03/15/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

WAKE UP, Bill! People are panicking!

“Stay off the roads” they say as they’re driving around showing you how bad the roads are.

Jakobi lateraled away a few million from his bag.

KG wants to know if Marcus Smart’s cereal also tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.

It’s not MY dead money. Aloha, Jonnu.

Is UConn poised for a March Madness run?

So we give them a bunch of Oscars so they will stop sending us novel coronaviruses, is that it?

There is no such thing as a post June 1 trade.

Craig Teed was just scouting prospects.

Boeheim. And Ewing. Makes you think.

You haven’t heard much about the Ides of May, July, or October for the better part of the past 425 years.

Cakes are cooking for Mark McGrath, Sabrina Salerno, Louis Riddick, Mike Tomlin, Eva Longoria, will.i.am, Kevin Youklis, Daryl Murphy, Tom Chilton, and Tatiana Shmailyuk.

Do YOU ever sit back and contemplate the life jackpot that Taylor Swift hit? Those looks AND that voice in one person. The odds of that genetic combination seem borderline impossible.

I like Marquette’s coach, he speaks well and I’d feel safe around him.

The 1950’s were the height of human athleticism.

That Steven Adams AT&T commercial has big ‘Brian Orakpo, All-Pro Linebacker’ energy.

Service Update: Riders should plan for additional travel time & longer headways on the Red, Orange, Blue, Green & Mattapan Lines this week as T engineers continue to perform repair validations & speed verifications following a DPU site visit last week.

There’s heart attack snow in the heart attack driveway.

Mindy Kaling, she’s from Boston. Home of Harvard University. I’m pretty sure Mindy knows what a trust fund kid is and I’m pretty sure she isn’t one herself.

DePaul and Xavier aren’t original Big East teams?

Short Round was also the kid in The Goonies? Did not know that.

Nicaragua is having a tough World Baseball Classic. Lordy!

Hey gang of disavowed Carmine Hose podcasters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I could see you being like a sneaky 17.”

Has Josina Anderson ever talked to a honkie NFL player?

Taxing un-realized capital gains is the government’s version of claiming you slept with every woman who wouldn’t go have coffee with you.

Well my wave length gets a little longer,
Every time I wave goodbye,
Sentimental break down,
You know I break down and lie,
Where I’m not supposed to lie my head,
Always seems my softest pillow.

A: Merle Oberon.

Stop using Japanese release dates for video game consoles…

Bob Melvin Saturday Jay Groome–acquired by the Padres for Eric Hosmer last season–may open the season im the majors as a lomng reliever.

Salma Hayek has got to be the hottest 70-year old of all time.

Every time I see a clip for the Barstool Man Cave Gambling Cave thing, I get depressed.

Honk if you remember Pi being irrational.

News Item: Diamond Sports Group, which operates Bally Sports regional networks, has filed for bankruptcy.

YOU drove The Player to a tax haven. You did!

We finally got a History of the World Part 2, but not holding my breath for Rock & Roll Part 3.

Nothing like a tournament at New England Center in Marlborough to put a cap on the Hockey season.

Is every Boston-adjacent celebrity endorsing one of the sportsbooks or is it just my imagination?

Corpus Christi is not an island.

Get well soon, Mr. Springsteen. All the sportswriters, and I mean all of them, are hoping and/or praying for your speedy recovery.

Big battle brewing between Blackburn and Shukri to be Bean’s 6 AM Saturday Revs co-host.

Best bet for the weekend: Not Rutgers. Sorrey!

You were warned to stay off the roads.

Know this: Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, as well as Peter Gammons,  Bill James, BSMW posters Feejis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column, All the things that I used to say, All the words that got in the way, All the things that I used to know have gone out the window. 

And Happy Birthday to actress Eva Amurri, whom I think somewhat resembles her mother, Susan Sarandon.

2023 Tournament Round One, Day Three – Update

First Round is now complete.

Here’s the last bunch of first round matchups, slobberknockers all. Polls to remain open until 10 AM EDT Tomorrow March 14th.

If you have been enjoying this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the one previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating out local sports media, or Reporter Vernon’s various exploits, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug maybe? Up to you.

For Immediate Release

“We are aware of the allegations circulating on social media about a man under Vernon Dozier’s employ being dropped off in front of Addison Gilbert Hospital, unconscious, at 3am this morning.

We will not make any further comment on these events until the facts have been established by the proper authorities. However, The 15 does not condone criminal activity of any kind, and will be fully cooperative in any way we can.

Mr. Dozier is employed on a freelance level. That relationship will be reviewed at the appropriate time, pending results of the investigation. Until then, he will be presumed innocent, and continue his duties unencumbered.”

— Steve Bosell, Managing Editor, The 15

2023 March Sadness Region ‘T’ Opening Round Predictions

The Region that soothes your T-Zone.

Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:

I just noticed that voting has started in region T.

Where is it written that the Region T preview has to come out before voting starts?

Mike Felger (1) vs Dan Greenberg (16) Take your time here, no need to leave your keys in a running car to vote on this one. Felger wins in a walk.

Mark Daniels (8) vs Joe Haggerty (9) *** voting underway *** Pork Joe has a harder battle buttoning his shirt every morning. Haggerty (as expected) is cruising to round 2.

Scott Zolak (5) vs Steve Buckley (12) Zolak has ruined more Patriots moments than Eli Manning. Look at this prediction.

Phil Perry (4) vs “Fitzy” (13) Unless the Ancient Order of Hibernians finally wakes up and jails Nicholas Stevens for cultural appropriation, expect “Fitzy” to kickoff a run of upsets.

Kevin Paul Dupont (6) vs Michael F. Hurley (11) The winner gets to keep the losers middle name/initial. Take what’s yours Michael F. Paul Hurley!

Andy Gresh (3) vs Gabby Starr (14) *** voting underway *** Who am I to argue with the voting public. A Starr is born!

Rich Shertenlieb (7) vs Meghan Ottolini (10) In less than two years MegO has destroyed the radio careers of Glenn Ordway, Lou Merloni, and Christian Fauria. Give Meg her flowers and she might repay YOU by taking out Jones and Arcand too. Keep up the good work Meg!

Ted Johnson (2) vs Jared Weiss (15) Ted Johnson walks into a bar and gets another CTE. The upsets stop here, Early Man advances.

“Who are you calling a hominid?”

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

2023 Tournament Day Two!

Five matches decided, five more in the home stretch, so let’s go to the next 10 contests in Round One! Polls open until 4 PM EST (1 PM PST) on Saturday, March 11th.

If you have been enjoying this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the one previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating out local sports media, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug maybe? Up to you.

March Mediot Sadness – Region ‘V’ Preview:   An Abundance of Suck

2023 March Sadness features an embarrassment of worthy candidates looking to take the lead in the never-ending race to the bottom.   In a packed field, Region V is more loaded than Sean McDonough attempting to make Florian Hall a Drive-Thru.   Here’s an armchair analysis of the best region of the worst candidates:

(1) Chris Gasper v. (16) Dakota Randall:   Young Shank is elite effete in triplicate:   A failure on TV, radio, and in print.   The ultimate bad faith pundit with a schtick as predictable as Bonesy Jonezy’s.  Dak Randall covers the Patriots for NESN, the Val-Pak of journalistic entities.  This one is over before it starts.  My vote:  Kid Gaslight

(8) Rob Bradford v. (9) Brian Scalabrine:  Bradford is Boring; the Diet Coke of Mediots.  How does Bradford move the needle unless spittle from his mushmouth does?  Scalabrine The Color Analyst makes one wonder why  an announcer-specific mute button doesn’t exist.  (There’s a thousand dollar idea!)   At the end of the day, Scal or Mushmouth ends up being cannon fodder for Young Shank.   This matchup is more irrelevant than WEEI.  My vote:  Scalabrine And A Mute App

(5) Adam Jones v. (12) Brian Barrett:  On the surface, this one looks easy.  Is it though?   Discount Felger has less range than Marc Bertrand at shortstop (relax, Theo!) and his takes on Boston sports are more predictable than Gerry Callahan’s views on race and politics.   Leaving ratings behemoth 985 The SportsKlan for WEEI with Meg0 and Arrrrrrrrcand demonstrate worse decision making than Drew Bozo.   Bonezy’s show caters to those who don’t like sports and loathe themselves inside and out – I hope you know that.  These individuals should be given a cookie – briefly pitied, then ignored.  As (Not That) Bono once said: Thank God It’s Them Instead Of You.

Barrett’s ascent to the Boston gig at The Ringer is mind-blowing.  He’s a failed WEEI weekend guy once behind Andy fucking Hart on the depth chart (poor, poor Dumbo) that Simmons pulled out of obscurity and into obscurity.   Barrett’s a shoe-pissing, Excel using, self-important ninny that is the polar opposite of the self-loathing Jones:   He genuinely believes he’s smarter than Bill Belichick, Joe Mazzulla, Don Sweeney, and Alex Cora.   He’s not good at his own job, never mind theirs.  Jones is pathetic shtick; he’s Kenny Banya – a terrible comic who once had a great lead-in.  Barrett’s got a voice only a dog-whistle could love (not that dog whistle, Tony Mazz) with an inflated sense of his worth.  Constantly using small sample size statistical “evidence” to shit on the teams he is supposedly pulling for is a particularly joyless approach to covering sports.  A vote for Barrett is a vote by proxy for California Bill.   Think on that. My vote:  Stay Off The Pike – Barrett

(4) Marc Bertrand v. (13) Duke Castiglione:  Like Michael Scott, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a “Can You Believe It?” Joe Castig joke.  My vote:  Bertrand

(6) Mike Giardi v. 11 Jermaine Wiggins:   Giardi’s an under the radar sneaky blow-dried cvnt, a local mediot on a national outlet with less clout and influence than Albert Breer.   Wiggins’ assualt on eardrums makes me wish Rod Rutledge had better hands.  My vote:  Giardi

(3) Charred Finn v. (14) John Karalis:  Finn might be the most revolting of all candidates and a good value pick to win Mediot Madness.  He’s a spineless, cucked apologist for the worst of Boston media – he’s not a critic.  He waited over a week after Tony Massarotti’s racist joke to opine because – according to Charred – the interwebs haven’t yet reached mid-coast Maine.   His 2 paragraph Mazz rebuke/foot massage/apology on a Saturday eight days later was Finn taking the journalistic fetal position.

John Karalis works for Greg Bedard and may be eligible for a seat next to Mel Torme.  My vote:  Charred Finn

(7) Jerry Thornton v. (10) Gary Washburn:  Washburn is someone to keep an eye on:   Joe Mazzulla’s open contempt for his shit-stirring, low IQ questions suggests much higher seeding in future tourneys.   As for Thornton, what’s more rare:   A Boston mediot/shoe-pisser who likes the team he writes about; a Barstool employee over the age of 50; or a person of color allowed on the Felger and Mazz show?   Sorry, Jerry:  despite campaigning for votes, I’m going for the lower downside.  My vote:  Washburn

(2) Jim Murray v. (15) John Zannis:  With a bio like this, John Zannis may be seeded waaaay too low.  And he put the Boston Sports Journal in his LinkedIn bio!  HE PUT THE BOSTON SPORTS JOURNAL IN HIS BIO.  If his LinkedIn avatar is any indication, he also makes fart noises with his mouth.

According to his LinkedIn page: 

“Big Gym” Murray apologized for Tony Massarotti’s racist joke because Big Gym didn’t think it was racist enough.   He wants the children of callers who disagree with him dead.  While many claim they’re playing a role on the air – cosplaying a contrarian, trolling with a take, acting like an asshole for the click or a listen – Big Jim isn’t playing a role.  He’s an irredeemable piece of garbage who wants others to be miserable as he is.  Murray is the worst person on a show with the worst people in Boston media. He deserves your vote and a deep tourney run. 

Murray wants to be Felger for the notoriety. Murray wants to be Massarotti for the paycheck. Murray wants to be Catfucker Jimmy Stewart for the hairline and the pussy. Murray doesn’t need to be disgraced and humiliated by “winning” Mediot Madness. Being Jim Murray already accomplished that.  My vote:  Murray

And that’s just one guy’s opinion.

The 2023 Big Sads Region ‘N’ Preview

Ben Volin (1) versus Chris Curtis (2) It has been a true banner year of idiocy for The Globe’s Senior NFL Writer.  He (probably) has control of his twitter back and (probably) doesn’t have real sources so anything less than a complete blowout versus the slug from the morning show will be a shocker.

Karen Guregian (8) versus Mark Dondero (9) Look for the perennial up-and-comer and friend of the program, Dondy, to pull the mild upset over the reliable Guregian on the strength of his Tatum Clutch Gene Takes he’s been working on in the lab.

Andrew Callahan (5) versus Joe Murray (12) The real life “Crying Wojak” Meme guy should win his first round match up with the other half(ton) of the Bankroll Boys running away (in lieu of rascal’ing away).

Trenni Kusnierek (4) versus Nick Cattles (13) The Sacramento Kid is poised to pull the upset on the perpetually offended Trenni by throwing his lot in with previous winner Greg Bedard.  Is Bedard looking at a repeat by proxy?

Alex Reimer (6) versus Evan Lazar (11) No amount of Yankee concepts or allied word salads is going to knock off the media columnist, or whatever the Pissant is doing now.  He’s established a pedigree of sadness that will make round 1 a formality.

Fred Toucher (3) versus Christian Arcand (14) Fred has lost his mind as many times as the Reverend has lost his job.  Hitching his wagon to JV Felger doesn’t help Arcand overcome the sheer power of the Morning Zoo.

Rich Keefe (7) versus Peter Abraham (10) Eventually EEI will find the right timeslot to leverage Keefe’s talents.  Until then expect him to squeak by the Red Sox beat version of the Charlie Brown rain cloud.

Dan Shaughnessy (2) versus Ron Borger (15) This is the emeritus matchup for the tourney.  Years and years of misery and sadness and plagiarism from Ron essentially relegated to a footnote.  No idea what fly-by-night outfit employs him at this point so expect Shank to win in a cake-walk.  Reality for Dan is that anything less than the title this year is a disappointment.

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