The 15

(Again done by the redoubtable Patrick from Andover del Norte:)

Welcome to the Sour Sixteen preview! The two higher seeds in Region C should easily advance to the Hateful Eight(TM pending). After his suspension Mazz locked his twitter account, and then after Chris Curtis’s suspension Mazz deleted his twitter account! (Update: Tone’s account is back, but still locked. Like Felgie’s car should have been.) He’s obviously living in fear of winning this tournament. Things are so bad now that you have to buy a Cameo if you’d like to hear Tony’s “Amos ‘n’ Andy” impression. In other news, did you know that an autographed photo of Bert Breer is available for $25 on Ebay? Imagine how much that could be worth in a week! (Disclaimer: the capital value of Bertie’s autograph can fluctuate and the price can go down as well as up and is not guaranteed).

Kid Gas should trounce the Far Side Kid to open Region V action. Things get a little more interesting from there on out. You may think it’s odd that Boston’s paper of record employs a sports media ombudsman who lives outside the Boston DMA, but if the weather is perfectly clear, and the moon is full, Chad can more often than not pick up the Boston stations on his Nana’s Philco radio in Downeast Maine. You may have missed it on Friday when Chad postulated on Nip-gate: “I’m not calling for a firing here, but the apparent going rate at the station of a one-week hiatus for making a racist or sexist comment is rather low. It’s not like the show, which oscillates between a chore and a bore on most days, would suffer without his overbearing presence.” Chad had no such reservations, or comments, when his good friend Tomy Masserotti was suspended earlier this month for making racist comments. Obviously Mazz’s overbearing presence is key in the chore vs bore calculation, which is why his one-week suspension was deemed to be sufficient punishment. It’s also understandable for Chad to come down harder on a nobody like Curtis because, unlike those two random African-American gentlemen that Mazz slurred, Mina Kimes was nice enough to “like” one of Chad’s tweets. Finn sucks. However Large Gynamsium Murray is a bald-denying asshole, which makes this match-up too close to call.

Region N is “interesting!”, to quote its moronic #1 seed. Ben Volin may feel entitled to a 10-point advantage, or at least choice of uniforms, since he is the #1 seed in the region, but that won’t be necessary for him to easily dispatch Greg Bedard’s lapdog Nick Cattles. The other match-up is a battle of the ages. Dan Shaughnessy is far removed from relevancy, and from his 2011 Father of the Year award. Christian Arcand is desperately clinging to Adam Jones’ coattails, having been fired from 98.5 and soon to be fired from WEEI. More shockingly, Arcand is also apparently trying to appropriate Gabby Starr’s (#14 in Region T) culture – do a “Christian (from: @gfstarr1)” Twitter search for more enlightenment. Shank is a dinosaur, but Arcand is the voice of a new generation. YOUR generation. Vote accordingly.

Does anyone know what the hell is going on in Region T? The two plucky underdogs have been the story of this year’s tournament. Can Nick “Fitzy” Stevens continue drive the snakes out of the region and take down Michael Felger? Can Gabby Starr pass over Ted “the veg” Johnson? Do you believe in miracles of Old Testament proportions? Yes! No? You make the call. Remember, for a limited time, the the15netdotcomsportsbook is offering $200 in site credits for every $5 wagered on the March Sadness tournament! Time is running out, so Register Now!

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Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

We now will take who remains and cut them in half. No, not literally. Regions C and T lead off. Polls will remain open for 24 hours, until 10:30 AM EDT Tuesday, March 28th.

It’s time for the uninterestingly named Round of 32! We will keep all the matches in-region, rather than jump around as in the opening rounds. Two today, two tomorrow. Today concerns Regions N and V. Why? Because we are clearly ‘NVious’ of all these wonderful media personalities, right? Hahahahahahaha!! Polls will remain open until 10 AM EDT tomorrow, Tuesday March 21st. Choose carefully.

Sent to us unbidden from Patrick in Andover del Norte:

Unlike the frauds at the NCAA tournament, the Big Sads selection committee knows a #1 seed when they see/hear one. Massarotti, Gasper, Volin and Felger are expected to glide o’er all, and through all, and easily advance to the Sour Sixteen. The rest of the match-ups have varying levels of intrigue.

Region C.. Dan Lifshatz (4) vs Lou Merloni (9) – It will be interesting to see if Merloni pull another rabbit out of his hat. He might put up a struggle, but Dan Lifshatz should swallow him whole. No shaking, no tenderizing, down Lou goes. Albert Breer (3) vs Andy Hart (6) – Andy Hart will be punching up at Albert Breer, however Bertie will be up to his old tricks and will piss all over Andy’s parade. Tom E Curran (2) vs Jim E Stewart (7) – Hey, did you hear about the dead cat on Mars? Curiosity killed it! Meanwhile back here on Earth, Curran should do us all a favor and kill J-Stew. Maybe not literally, but maybe, possibly.

Region V… Marc Bertrand (4) vs Brian Barrett (12) – If a hot take falls in the forest, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Barrett has awful opinions but, thankfully nobody is listening. He doesn’t have enough gravitas to counter Bertrand’s gravitational pull. Chad Finn (3) vs Mike Giardi (6) – Chad Finn is the biggest enabler in New England, next to my wife. You see, I’m an alcoholic and she said that if I keep drinking, she’ll leave me. Jim Murray (2) vs Jerry Thornton (10) – The clocks strikes 12 for Cinderfella. All Jerry does is hope Bill Belichick still knows what he’s doing, while Big Jim hopes you outlive your children. Jerry may not break double digits.

Region N… Andrew Calahan (5) vs Nick Cattles (13)- If this match-up was happening during football season Callahan may win easily, but in the off-season he goes back to his job guarding bridges. Out of sight out of mind. A vote for Cattles is an in absentia vote for last year’s champion Greg Bedard. Alex Reimer (6) vs Christian Arcand (14) – Does Reimer get creepy “Single White Female” vibes whenever he bumps into DJ Bean? Dan Shaugnessy (2) vs Rich Keefe (7) – Shank is irrelevant. He doesn’t have a regular TV/radio outlet, and the Globe is nice enough to keep his writing locked behind a paywall. Keefe is battling Arcand to see which one of them can be the first person fired from both radio stations. Will they square off in the next round? That’s for YOU to decide.

Region T… Scott Zolak (5) vs Fitzy (13) – Zolak is going to give Fitzy a wet willy and then stuff him in a locker. Kevin F. Paul Dupont (6) vs Gabby Starr Reporter (14) – Gabby is our version of Princeton, which is ironic because Princeton is one of the few Ivy League universities that she doesn’t claim to have attended. Ted Johnson (2) vs Meg Ottolini (10) – Ted Johnson’s synaptic gaps have gotten so wide that Meg will slip right through them and into the Sour Sixteen.

(Round Two will start today at 10 AM EDT. Wicked soon!)

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

The March Sadness Second Round will take place Monday, March 20 and Tuesday, March 21. Enjoy watching collegiate and professional sports in the meanwhile.