02/18/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Protect Ali and Amy!

Half the cast from Varsity Blues is dead. If I’m Scott Caan, I’m staying in the crosswalks for a while.

I would like women’s hockey a lot more if these gals smiled every once in a while.

Jayson Tatum’s return to the Celtics feels like the lead-up to Spider-Man: No Way Home. Like how Sony couldn’t officially confirm Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield were coming back, but everyone pretty much knew they were.

Just a reminder that Whitey Bulger did not go to Game 7 of the 2011 Stanley Cup Final in Vancouver.

Roman Anthony put on about 15 lbs of muscle and you can see it. To quote one of the great movies of all time “Babies all growns up”. And he’s only 21.

Why was it called the Breakfast Club when they were there all day?

News Item: Sources confirm Phillips Andover has named Ernie Adams their interim Head Coach. And if I were as prepared as Ernie I would have a witty remark ready to go.

‘Portuguese roll’ sounds like an insult.

Cakes are cooking for Yoko Ono, Jean M. Auel, Manny Mota, Judy Rankin, Dennis De Young, Juice Newton, Derek Pellicci, John Travolta, Raymond Rougeau, Vanna White, Andy Moog, Greta Scacchi, Julie Strain, Simon Fletcher, Kevin Tapani, Matt Dillon, Dr. Dre, Molly Ringwald,

Some of you don’t follow the coaching career of the Seattle Seahawks passing game coordinator and it shows!

Let’s see if this guy’s bit goes somewhere.

Man, the latest ep of “The Pitt” was incredible. Maybe the most emotional one so far. Very powerful ending.

The guy whose brand is wearing camouflage cargo shorts everywhere will fix the issues of an apparel company for sure.

I appreciate the extra effort, but I’m good with just throwing it on the burger with some lettuce and salt and getting right after it.!!

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Don’t let the Nazi tattoo fool ya, turns out this guy is a real prick.”

For any news outlet trying to reach me by phone – the number you’re calling is my dad’s. He’s 70 and very confused.
Email can be found on my link in bio.

Any known anti-commie coffee based in NH?

RIP Elroy Face. 18-1, 2.70 out of the bullpen for the Pirates in 1959. Honest to God. Three saves for victorious Pirates in ‘60 Series. Not bad for a 5-8 guy.

Knicks are elite at winning things that don’t actually matter.

You can throw out the records when Miami (Ohio) and UMass get together.

Tried to amend my carnivorous habit
Made it nearly 70 days
Losing weight without speed, eating sunflower seeds
Drinking lots of carrot juice and soaking up rays

But at night I’d have these wonderful dreams
Some kind of sensuous treat
Not zucchini fettucini or bulgur wheat
But a big warm bun and a huge hunk of meat

Cheeseburger in paradise
Not too particular, not too precise
Heaven on Earth with an onion slice
I’m just a cheeseburger in paradise.

I’m beginning to think the Football HoF voters really didn’t care if L.C. Greenwood made it in this year or not.

Honk if you remember the Olympics Triplecast.

If the transgender Nazi can’t hold it together, what hope do the rest of us have?

You can’t tell me that Bad Bunny has sold more units worldwide than Slim Whitman or Boxcar Willie.

I’m not about to end up the main character on gymnastics Facebook.

Ernie will exploit a loophole in the eligibility requirements at the Prep level and stock his roster with 28-year-old hardened ex-cons.

The German bobsledders should get to wear those, you know, Prussian spiked helmets. What are they called?

Pro tip: if you’re fasting today, you can drink your bread, like the monks would.

Best bet for the weekend: North America being being well representeted in the Mens & Womens Hockey Finals.

Soon.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

And happy birthday to model/singer/actress/producer Cybill Shepherd.

02/11/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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After the flyover, the situation deteriorated.

A Super Bowl loss that doesn’t involve Mike Ditka, Buddy Ryan, Fridge Perry, the Foxboro Stadium WATS line, good ole Brett Favre, Desmond Howard, any and all New York Football Giants, or Beta testing legal formation, possession and scoring rules? I’m okay with that.

Lindsey Vonn thinks Will Campbell shouldn’t have been out there if he was less than 100%.

Scal found Cooper Flagg in an abandoned potato field in Aroostook County.

How far along has cloning technology come and if far enough can Dante Scarnecchia donate some DNA?

If Drake Maye and New England’s offense looked like that all season, maybe Sam Monson would have voted him MVP.

It’s the Olympics for Mediviac flight helicopter crews, too. Probably.

Tatum cleared to practice? How exciting!

Bad Bunny is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

Adam Vinatieri getting into Canton is well deserved. There: I said it.

So when pitchers and catchers report, is there a set location at the Spring Training facilities, or does it vary team-to-team?

Curling is just less greasy bocce.

Cakes are cooking for Tina Louise, Lynn Goldsmith, Vangelis Kordompoulis, Jeb Bush, David Uosikkinen, Richard Mastracchio, Becky LeBeau, Carey Lowell, Sheryl Crow, Ken Shamrock, Sarah Palin, Mo Willems, Jennifer Aniston, Damian Lewis, Alex Jones, Jaroslav Špaček, Andy Lally, Brice Beckham, Peter Hayes, Brandy Norwood, Matthew Lawrence, Natasha Bobo, Kelly Rowland, Natalie Dormer, Aubrey O’Day, Mike Richards, Beat Feuz, Laurent Duvernay-Tardif, Rosé, and Khaled.

Czechia is the Czech Republic’s snappy nickname, like calling Tom Caron ‘TC.’

Blue Line Update: Delays of about 30 minutes while personnel address a track problem at Suffolk Downs. Riders can use Rt SL3 bus for alternate service between Airport and South Station.

Never could understand the lack of personal hygiene among the Fourth Estate.

I just watched Ron Harper Jr thoroughly out play Kevin Durant. They might have to ban Brad Stevens, man.

Charlie Puth? what is that, Comanche Indian?

Kraft setting up a war room at Gillette to track antisemitism is hilarious. Meanwhile the team is forced to choke down powdered eggs in the cafeteria.

Hey gang of AP stringers! this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Your new name is Irridium Shafafa.”

Bad Bunny’s Halftime performance? I loved it. it was much better than ‘Cats.’ I’m going to see it again and again.

Jamie Jaquez looks like an extra in Black Sails.

The irony of a guy named Walker winning Super Bowl MVP – because he’s good at running.

Boston College’s decade-long regional Beanpot drought nightmare is finally over.

If you’re a woman who’s never taken a self-defense class, now would be a good time to start.

Mike Reiss Mailbag – “That’s a very thoughtful question BigDogSaladTosser69.”

The Maine Red Claws changing their name to the Maine Celtics is like reverse of all the minor league baseball teams that went from being the ‘Podunk (MLB affiliate name)’, to, say, The ‘Cobalt City Electric Armadillos,’

Hey Peacock, can you get us Olympic feeds without announcers? This curling pair knows less about curling than a stray dog knows about The Kuiper Belt.

I’m nails
I’m a knife
I’m a preacher with a gun
I’m a one man lie
I’m a king
I’m a ruse
I’m born again with no life to lose

Cause it don’t mean all that much, does it?
But we never really had a choice
No, it don’t mean all that much to us
But we never really had a choice
We’re conscience killers
Don’t want no conscience at all.

I asked a normie what they thought about lobster-adjacent AI programs that soon will be frame mogging and jestergooning at greater than moid levels and they had no idea what I was talking about. I thought I would cry.

Green Day gets better with time. Great set.

I hope Drake Maye at least gets the benefit of the bargain that comes with the Kendall Jenner curse. If you know what I mean.

Honk if you remember Toots Shor.

The last Monday game Kansas basketball lost in their own building came on Feb. 5, 2001: 79-77 against Iowa State.

I really should have eaten an early lunch today when I had the chance.

Guyanese sounds like some men’s rights thing.

A: Benny the Ball, Choo-Choo, Brain, Spook, and Fancy-Fancy.

Finally saw Sinners and really liked it. I made a conscious effort to not learn anything about it beforehand. It was nice having no expectations.

Woodward, Bernstein, Farinella.

Tom Brady doesn’t have a dog in the fight for the Super Bowl but he does have a dog in a cloning facility which is objectively way worse.

The Globe is bringing everyone back they sent to Santa Clara? Why?

My suggestion for the Super Bowl halftime next year: Oasis. They’re the biggest band in the world again, and they’re perfect for it. Liam Gallagher would be a bit of a wild card, but oh well.

Any other ex-Celtics that can’t play more than 15 minutes a week available? Asking for a friend.

Mike Tirico went from covering a sporting event, to then covering a sporting event. He didn’t cure polio.

Pspspsps. PSPSPSPS!

Best bet for the weekend: Olympics, or Spring Training batting practice. Pick em.

Cooz bobblehead night at the TD Garden. (Plumber and accountant bobbleheads sold separately.)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Dakota Randall, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I beat the Devil’s tattoo.

I sincerely hope the Puccini, Verdi, and Rossini big head guys will be foot racing each other between halves at Serie A matches in the near-future.

TO’s & Threes – Celtics Column 02/09/26

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By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

Heading into the trade deadline, the Celtics rode the high of an unexpected 34-18 record that currently has them sitting as the No. 2 seed in the East, a half-game ahead of the favorites to come out of the conference, the New York Knicks. What was anticipated to be a lean season, heavily reliant on established stars, turned into an egalitarian effort where perennial no-names became big contributors. Neemias Queta evolved from fourth-string center to starter-level rim protector, while young players like Hugo Gonzalez and Baylor Scheierman turned in elite individual net ratings—Gonzalez at +17.7 and Scheierman at +10.7. The Celtics enjoy a luxury few expected them to have.

Had the Celtics not modestly hit on their late-round draft picks, perhaps they don’t trade Anfernee Simons for Nikola Vučević. Simons played a position of no real need; in fact, it could be argued he was redundant even if his impact was positive. Vučević filled a void, as Boston was thin at the big positions beyond Queta. Luka Garza is slow and can’t really defend. Chris Boucher never earned consistent time on the floor. Xavier Tillman never recovered physically from his injury.

Do not be frightened because it looks like Cam Newton typed his last name.

Vučević is not a flawless player and is quite frankly divisive. He’s never played for a team with real expectations or any semblance of a winning culture. He meandered through the post-Dwight Howard Orlando Magic era for most of his career, then became part of one of the worst trades of this decade when he was shipped to the perennial play-in franchise, the Chicago Bulls.

Like Simons, Vučević’s reputation is that his offensive numbers are empty calories—a product of bad systems—and that he’s a defensive black hole. For what it’s worth, the Celtics have managed to cobble together a top-10 defense this year despite playing players we’d define as bad defenders, and Vučević doesn’t appear any worse than those already incorporated into the rotation. Joe Mazzulla has shown an adeptness at hiding players’ issues and not over-relying on them when he doesn’t have to.

Vučević’s debut against Miami saw him matched up against elite defensive big Bam Adebayo. It was clear early on that he had his hands full as the Celtics fell into a 22-point hole before mounting a 98-96 comeback victory. Part of that surge came from Vučević dragging Adebayo out of the paint, hitting cutters to the basket, contesting rebounds, and converting on second-chance points. It’s not an elixir that renders bigs like Adebayo non-issues, but it gives Boston a fighting chance when Queta is on the bench.

Vučević notched a double-double in his Celtics debut: 11 points (4-8 FG), 12 rebounds (6 offensive), and 4 assists in 28 minutes off the bench. Prior to the game, he expressed a willingness to convert his role from starter to bench player to accommodate the team:


Even if Vučević doesn’t have the ideal traits for a big man on a championship contender, his attitude fits the mold perfectly—and that in itself is a huge win.

This trade is low-risk, high-reward for Boston. Simons was nice but wasn’t a long-term option and was likely to command a salary too rich for Boston’s blood. Vučević, if things go smoothly, could remain in Boston at a modest price and serve as a reliable backup big when Tatum returns to full strength next season. The trade also contributed to lessening Boston’s tax bill. Currently, they reside in the repeater tax, but by avoiding the luxury tax this season and next, they’ll become standard taxpayers. This opens a runway from 2027-28 to 2029-30 to spend more liberally.

Back in June, the Celtics’ projected salary and luxury tax bill was $540 million. Today it’s at $186.5 million, and they are only two games worse than they were last year. The Celtics cut costs when they had no choice given the unique situation they found themselves in, and they remain contenders to come out of the conference. And now they have added a big man who can potentially help them do that.

Vinny Jace appears on the Beyond Entitled podcast. He does not live in the Balkans.

Football Cat’s Super Bowl LX Pick

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The Patriots are back in the Super Bowl for the 12th time in the past 41years. For all you non-math majors out there, that equates to 29.3% of the time. Not bad for a franchise that used to play in a Zayre’s parking lot back in the AFL days.

No metal bleachers

The Patriots have now been to 4 more Super Bowls than any other team, with an overall record of 6-5 heading into Sunday’s game. If they win, they will break a tie with the Steelers for the most wins in Super Bowl history. If they lose, they will break a tie with the Broncos for most losses in Super Bowl history. So win or lose they are guaranteed to make history. We here at Football Cat World Headquarters just hope everyone has fun!

Nothing is more fun than winning!


Speaking of fun, here is a fun fact: Sam Darnold is 0-4 against the Patriots in his career, three losses with the Jets and one with the Panthers. He has thrown 1 touchdown and 9 interceptions, with a combined passer rating of 41.2. The Patriots are the monkey in Sam Darnold’s wrench.

Are YOU really going to lose to Sam Darnold?


And as we head into the long off season, remember Tom Brady may hate you but Football Cat loves you. See you in September.

Sunday Dinner Time
Seahawks (-4.5) at Patriots
Fake Seabids can’t exorcise these ghosts. Drake Maye IS!

You go girl!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

02/04/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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This hat does not come with a free bowl of soup.

I hope when BB does get in he sends Jordon to accept for him like Sacheen Littlefeather.

Stadium Series Bag Job.

No one likes a salary dump more than the Boston Red Sox.

The Cool Kids table once more eludes Mister Kraft.

Mike Conley Jr. would fill the ‘defensive guard with a white wife’ spot on the C’s roster.

Gronk really white-knuckles his ad reads with Edelman, doesn’t he?

Vučević brings a lot of Montenegrin delicacies like priganice and palacinke. Culinarily speaking it really opens up the dessert spacing.

After 35 years of eligibility, it’s finally Ken Anderson’s turn!

Cakes are cooking for Gary Conway, John Schuck, John Steel, Florence LaRue, Johnny Gamble, Dan Quayle,Jeannie Wilson, Alice Cooper, Michael Beck, James Dunn, Robert Jan Stips, Patrick Bergin, Jerry Shirley, Lisa Eichhorn, Kitarō, Lawrence Taylor, Denis Savard, Clint Black, Dan Plesac, Kevin Wasserman, Brandy Ledford, Joe Sacco, Gabrielle Anwar, Rob Corddry, Oscar De La Hoya, Natalie Imbruglia, Cam’ron, Gavin DeGraw, Kimberly Wyatt, Carly Patterson, and Charlie Barnett.

I prefer my jerseys the way Bob Kraft likes his handjobs – cheap and from Asia.

Dave Portnoy runs like he tore both groin muscles. WTF.

NBA season doesn’t technically start until Dennis Schroder gets traded.

Lindsay Vonn must have been a hockey player in a past life.

Gosling always gets lumped in with Reynolds because of the first name. But Gosling is 100 times the actor that Reynolds is. Obviously chicks and gay men like him but he can actually act.

No news story involving an au pair has ever ended well.

Blue Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires on the main line. Trains may stand by at stations.

Sean McDonough loves to talk about anything other than what’s going on the ice at that time.

Veronica’s Dad > Steve Burton’s daughter

News Item: Jeffrey Epstein scouted women for New York Giants co-owner Steve Tisch. Turns out the girls couldn’t play football so they then panicked and drafted Evan Neal.

Things that only happen flying out of Providence: Seeing your car in the long-term parking lot from the plane.

Hey gang of middle school sweethearts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I like Ann Michael. Kinda cute and she’s not a psychotic Brazilian.”

Max Shulga has a monk haircut.

I predict that Bad Bunny will be the Star of the Super Bowl. It will be the ICING on The Cake.

Was kinda hoping the Cs would start all the white guys for the inaugural Pioneers Classic. For the Lol’s!

What’s less believable? That Robin Leach killed somebody in front of a bunch of witnesses, or that someone actually enjoyed a Bill Speros column?

Goalie fights are fun, but also gay.

You know it’s healthy when you describe the flavor by color and not an actual flavor.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

Mike Conley Jr. looks like he was designed in a lab for the sole purpose of being called ‘Unc’ by other black people.

McKone’s hair on Terri Schiavo-style life support.

How does one go about watching more overtime hockey than most people? Sounds like a Zamboni driver’s lament.

Oh, mother, tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun.

Well, I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train
I’m goin’ back to New Orleans
To wear that ball and chain.

Even for a radio guy, Jon Wallach is shockingly untalented.

Could a senile old man list the rosters of the 1954 and 1955 Fort Wayne Pistons? I think not!

Honk if you remember the original Floramo’s.

Imagine the poor Ukrainian sex-trafficking victim who had to listen to Kraft slur on about his RKK Air Force 1s.

These “in sports” people never fail to see the hypocrisy of them smirking and snarking their way through Black Monday (and mixed Thursday) and then crying about the Washington Post closing down its Sports Page.

Jordon Hudson has been 24 years old longer than Melanie Wilkes was pregnant with Beau in Gone With the Wind.

One confusing thing is that Super Bowl LX is pronounced the same as Super Bowl LIX.

No nights off in the Big East except for most of them.

Best bet for the weekend: Hype, hype, and then, even more hype.

Beanpot fever grips Hub.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Brother John Irons, Joe Giza, Old Friends Directional Brian and Moe’s Tavern and the members of #the15 were used in this column. No more Mister Nice Guy.

Bianca is wearing her road whites too.

01/28/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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And now you hand the trophy to Jonathan, that’s what you do with it.

Well, at least the NFL Network won’t be airing irrefutable evidence of Bill’s first-ballot career over the next ten days. Wait…

it’s clear there’s a QB controversy in Denver. How can they keep a superstar like Jarrett Stidham on the bench???

When they say that Diggs has had four kids this year, do they mean in the last 28 days?

Was the Pro Football Hall of Fame going to have Dylan Mulvaney announce the 2026 inductees? What a self-own.

Wow. Terry Pegula throwing McDermott directly under the Zubaz-themed bus and driving over multiple times. He says “the coaching staff” wanted Keon Coleman and Brandon Beane was just “being a team player.” Woah.

Vance Joseph looks like he manages a McDowell’s.

Imagine how good Joe Mazulla’s coaching record would be if he knew to call a timeout every time the opposing team goes on a 4-0 run.

Not taking the points with your backup QB and your defense playing great is spitting in the face of the Football Gods!

Ryan Leaf seems to hate a lot of the right people.

Even after a long bus ride back to Boston, Pasta is a good kid and Geekie is a scoring machine.

I don’t feel bad about making dated references to 90’s Seinfeld now that people are quoting The Warriors from 1979.

Cakes are cooking for Bill White, Alan Alda, John M. Fabian, Paul Henderson, Rick Allen, Jeanne Shaheen, Gregg Popovich, Barbi Benton, David Carl Hilmers, William “Billy Bass” Nelson Jr, Dan Higgins, Peter Schilling, Nick Price, Dave Sharp, Sam Phillips, DJ Muggs, Rakim, Sarah McLachlan, Jermaine Dye, Magglio Ordóñez, Tony Delk, Jarrod Montague, Mark Madsen, Rick Ross, Joey Fatone, Takuma Sato, Nick Carter, Elijah Wood, Andre Iguodala, Katie Nolan, and Whitney Peak.

Doesn’t happen often but the Bruins and the Celtics don’t often play on the same night BUT they do tonight.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson.

Speaking of The Warriors, Lou Merloni would have made the perfect Baseball Fury.

Red Line Update: Regular service between JFK/UMass and Ashmont has resumed. Trains continue to experience residual delays of about 20 minutes.

Is there really a Perkins School for the Blind hockey squad?

Happy for the biggest Patriots fan I know, the Big Cat.

Hey gang of Emerald Isle autists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No one expects the Irish Inquisition!”

I love that fat shaming commercial, reminds me of being at a Minifan live show.

We’re on the brink of the verge of the Beanpot Tournament.

Bill needs to finally accept that medal of freedom to put the universe back in balance.

There’s just not enough college basketball on tv nowadays.

They’re going to ask all the committee voters how they voted and it’s going to total up to 55 ‘yes’ votes for Bill.

‘These people are the same species.‘
‘Looks like a still from The Jenny Jones Show. “Help! My Boyfriend Keeps Eating the Couch!”‘
‘Sexual Dimorphism Has Entered the Chat.‘

‘Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth’ – I had to look up the lyrics for Subdivisions, and I always heard ‘to smooth’ as ‘disprove’. This has been The Sports Junk Drawer’s Mondegreen Minute.

These names are annoyingly close. Mike MacDonald, Mike McCarthy, Mike McDaniel, Josh McDaniels.

Barmore hit Stidhsy like he messed with the thermostat.

Anyone catch the newest episode of “Stugotz & Company LIVE”? Yeah, me neither.

I’m going to let it slide because it’s his first one, but Coach Vrabes has to remember to immediately hand off the Lamar Hunt Trophy to Jonathan like it’s covered in broken glass and AIDS.

‘Belichick doesn’t deserve credit for drafting Christian Gonzalez’ people deserve a special place in Hell.

You think Planet Fitness was ever close to going with Fitness Planet? Or was Planet Fitness always the move?

Hell of a win by Seattle and congratulations to Sam Darnell.

The Little Debbie’s Valentine’s Day heart snack cakes are good, but nowhere near as good as the Christmas Tree snack cakes.

And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.

Are we really acting like Jerod Mayo wouldn’t have this team in the exact same spot? Pats cut bait too soon.

All blizzards are snowstorms, but not all snowstorms are blizzards.

Out of the 7 NFC teams that made the playoffs, only the 49ers wouldn’t have been a Super Bowl rematch for the Patriots.

You let us get Snoopy’d, Rifkin!!

Every time I learn something new about Brazil, I feel that it’s just India with fatter ass-ed women.

News Item: Josh Allen will have significant say on the next coach of the Buffalo Bills. What if he said Sean McDermott?

Imagine getting angry about lobsters.

What is missing during this blizzard is Dan Rather strapped to a tree & the immortal Shelby Scott reporting knee deep in snow and howling wind.

Fist bumping Kraft must feel like dapping up the Cryptkeeper.

“Da’Jury Foreman” is a great defensive tackle name.

Apple watch fitness app needs snow shoveling category.

Honk if you remember 1971 NFL Draft first overall pick Jim Plunkett.

While appreciated, I don’t think Jonas Gray needed to have an official statement citing his departure from the team.

Mike McCarthy has corrupt Mayor physiognomy.

The Supreme Court thinks it’s weird the NFL Hall of Fame voters have lifetime appointments.

UConn may still also be a basketball school.

I would very much like to have seen Mayor Menino take a whack at saying ‘Jaxon Smith-Njigba.’

I think that fat shaming commercial was paid for by the LA Rams kicking unit.

So if Spygate and Deflategate were big problems for Belichick with the Pro Football Hall of Fame voters, will Tom Brady not make it in on the first ballot either?

Best bet for the weekend: more unasked-for trailers for Super Bowl commercials.

Stick tap, Joey Beefs. @joeybeefs

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We all we got. We all we need.

And happy birthday to actress Ariel Winter.

Football Cat’s Conference Picks 2026

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Storms brewiin’

Not only do we have an AFC Championship game to look forward to on Sunday, but we also have the storm of the century bearing down on our beloved six state region, yes even Rhode Island. How much snow will YOU get? Well, that depends on many factors: how close to the benchmark the storm is, where does any banding set up, what is the QPF and how much love you have in your heart.

My heart isn’t in it

And before you rush out to the stores to stock up on bread and milk, remember these wise words:
“Look, I’m not saying I could do it better than them. I’m just saying they’re wrong a lot. That’s a fact. They’re wrong a lot. We all make mistakes. I’m not being critical of them, I’m just saying I don’t think you can go based on that. My experience of going with the forecast in this area two days before the game, I mean I’d bet a lot that they’re wrong, just based on history because they’re almost always wrong. An hour before the game, maybe. You might have something to work with there. I think if you start game planning for what the weather is going to be and you game plan wrong, you’ve wasted a lot of time.” – Bill Belichick, October 31, 2014

14 day forecast?!?!?!

Sunday Early Dinner Time
Patriots (-4.5) at Broncos
Patriots bust Broncos

He’s comfortable at altitude

Sunday Late Dinner Time
Rams at Seahawks (-2.5)
Horny Sheep spook Darnold

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

01/21/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Boutte. Comes up big.

Lotta sports. Good thing I have 3 TVs.

Patriots win Sunday the ‘who people are rooting for in Super Bowl LX’ graphic is going to look like the 1972 presidential electoral map.

One minute your quarterback is spiking the ball backwards at midfield for no reason, the next minute you’re fired.

But I hear McDermott’s interviewing to be the number 2 guy at Al-Qaeda.

Khyiris Tonga joins the NFL “All Island” team along with James Cook, Xavier Rhodes, Howie Long, Matt Cassel, Taiwan Jones, and Jeff Ireland.

Fenway Park is officially the ‘Ranger Zone.’

I have to wonder that if the Patriots had to play Josh Dobbs this weekend if all the Boston mediots would tell Denver hosts how surprisingly good he is.

Being the new fattest guy at Barstool is like being the world’s oldest person.

Sure, Cardi B has sleep paralysis demon physiognomy, but she probably has a lovely singing voice.

When there’s something worth celebrating, Dondero is a breath of fresh air on the postgame show. At least he’s happy.

Cakes are cooking for Jack Nicklaus, Placido Domingo, Chris Britton, Jill Eikenberry, Billy Ocean, Marty Walsh, Mike Krukow, Jeff Koons, Peter Fleming, Bob Brill, Robby Benson, Detlef Schrempf, Hakeen Olajuwan, Charlotte Ross, Cat Power, Shelley Looney, Emma Bunton, Jerry Trainor, David F. Sandberg, and Luke Grimes.

If the Patriots lost Maye on a designed roll out that meant nothing I would drive McDaniels to T.F. Green myself.

Tuesday’s Wordle, yaaaaa…!!!

Here’s the thing: the sports media, they all hate their jobs. Which is why it’s so funny that they resort to “you hate me because I have your dream job” when they get criticized.

The Dedham Grant was known for its rich assortment of prized hardwoods.

The local TV news person can’t have a sports rooting interest? I’m surprised KPD would lump that riff-raff in with real journalism!

Jet fuel can’t melt pass interference.

I’ve yet to find a non-terrible person making ‘the Dodgers are not ruining baseball’ argument.

I’m convinced Sean Payton would call a pass play in victory formation.

Hey gang of opera lovers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is,”Fran Rogers gets tons of pelt.”

Fun fact: the heaters in Hondas are most efficient when set to blow hot medium.

Buffalo didn’t Stand Up for Sean McDermott.

Please remember, they’re not ‘sports betting whores’, they’re ‘clamdicappers’.

Blue Line Update: Delays of about 15 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations

I never understand throwing the jacket on the QB for 10 seconds during a stoppage in play. Doesn’t it make him want to stay under there?

Indiana was recruiting my older brother wayyyy back in the mid 2000s before they were the football program we see before us today. For that reason alone I’ve always hoped they’d find success. What an amazing story.

Harrison Meavis is an all-time terrible name.

I want Maria Taylor to toss me around with her gigantic hands.

Does Sports Illustrated know that Karalis is a real person? Because they don’t hire many of those.

Well, the brother of Carson Palmer thinks Stidham is good so that settles it: game on.

How do you have an entire organization whose mission is to combat Jewish stereotypes and then publicly bitch about paying out 0.1 % of your net worth?

I’m always team whatever TV drug is advertised. Doubly so when it affects my genitals.

Already annoyed with all the Conformity Gate BS that’s gonna come out of this SNL Episode.

You think Dart Adams ever messed around and made a Willie Bennett NBA Live player?

I just realized that candles with 2 wicks are just a scam by Big Candle to make your candles burn more quickly so you need to buy more candles.

What does Mina Kimes got to do to get a head coaching or GM interview?

Girl you’re gettin’ that look in your eyes
And it’s startin’ to worry me
I ain’t ready for no family ties
Nobody’s gonna hurry me

Just keep it friendly girl
’cause I don’t wanna leave
Don’t start clingin’ to me girl
‘Cause I can’t breathe

Baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me
Baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me
’cause I’ll just use you then I’ll set you free
Baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me.

Using ‘The Ville’, for Louisville sounds like ‘Beantown’ or ‘Frisco’ in that nobody from there refers to it as such.

Here’s hoping the new Commanders stadium gets called the ‘RFK Jr.’

There’s never been a poor person named Tad.

I bet Rich Little does a great Frank Caliendo impression.

As an early adopter of AI, let me say this: It is far less advanced and sophisticated than normies perceive. You’re basically talking to the world’s most advanced screwdriver. Practical when you need to drive a screw. But you wouldn’t ask a screwdriver for life advice.

Honk if you remember John McEnroe getting expelled from the Australian Open.

Any college basketball games being fixed today?

Jarrett Stidham’s Arapaho name is ‘Wears Two Wristwatches’.

Think they’ll be some bad blood when the Habs visit the ol’ barn this weekend, Brick?

Nice to win the Jack Easterby Bowl.

Them Bosa brothers are about to apply for ICE TONIGHT.

Kendra is Temu Charlotte Wilder.

When did we start calling curveballs “sweepers”?

Best bet for the weekend: Flawless officiating in both Conference Championship games.

The upcoming Tubi remake of ‘Clue’ looks amazing.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Wild thing, I think I love you. But I wanna know for sure. So come on, hold me tight. I love you.

And happy birthday to Wareham, Massachusetts’ Own Geena Davis.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round Picks

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It’s been a fun week basking in the glory of the first Patriots playoff win since Super Bowl LIII, but now it’s time to focus on the next opponent, the Houston Texans. What better way to break it all down, than a Dan Shaughnessy style look at how each team’s respective home town matches up with the other.

A football cat


Houston has the Johnson Space Center.
Foxborough has the Gillette Stadium Lighthouse.
Advantage: Patriots

The landlocked lighthouse is much more impressive

Well there you have it, bet your kid’s college tuition on the home team and thank us later

Saturday Dinner Time
Bills at Broncos (-1.5)
Buffalo sauces Nix

Buffalo are right at home in Denver

Saturday Prowl Time
49ers at Seahawks (-7)
Fake Seabirds rain on Purrrdy’s parade

Someone left the cat out in the rain

Sunday Early Dinner Time
Texans at Patriots (-3)
As that great Patriot, Patrick Star once opined: “The stars at night are dull and dim whenever they have to be over dumb old stupid Texas! “

SpongeBob had it fisrt

Sunday Late Dinner Time
Rams (-3.5) at Bears
Horny sheep bang da’ Bears

This is why all Bears fans support two teams

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

01/14/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Hunt Hen!

Look, the Bregman deal was for what, five years? But those Fenway Fest memories will last a lifetime. Maybe you all should consider that.

Glad the 49ers won. I had Eagles fatigue. I was Fatigled.

And all these people like Bert Breer are liars. How can you possibly watch a sport without rooting for someone?

Pastrnak ties a franchise record with six assists, moves from 14th to 7th in the league in scoring, and isn’t even the first star of the game.

D’Ernest Gets Released. Is this on BET or Tubi?

My biggest regret is I never got to hear Shukri Wrights or Mensa Matt Wilson pronounce ‘Borregales’.

No Longer a Coach Drip knows it’s cold in Cleveland, right?

I guess this Linus Ullmark thing proves that not all hockey players are gay now.

It’s just poor planning that Jack and Jackie Harbaugh didn’t have enough kids to fill all these coaching vacancies. Phil Rivers would never.

Cakes are cooking for Don Garlits, Clarence Carter, Faye Dunaway, Holland Taylor, Ronald Hunter, Shannon Lucid, Graham Marsh, Marjoe Gortner, Nina Totenberg, T Bone Burnett, Christine Belford, Lawrence Kasdan, Mark Egan, Maureen Dowd, Jim Duggan, Chas Smash, Geoff Tate, Mike Tramp, Patricia Morrison, Steven Soderbergh, Mark Addy, Shepard Smith, Daniel J. Schneider, Kerri Green, Terry Wooden, Zakk Wylde, LL Cool J, Dave Grohl, Jason Bateman, Angela Lindvall, Byron Leftwich, Cory Gibbs, Caleb Followill, Grant Gustin, and Molly Tuttle.

It just now dawned on me that both Los Angeles football teams are named after Dodge vehicles.

Scalabrine looks like a white Klump.

Poor Kendra misses out on up to 4 weeks of tweeting about traveling for performative fandom.

I’ve been told that Season 2 of Landman sucks. I read that criticism, continued watching, then Sam fuckin’ Elliott suddenly appeared. Are you people insane?

That it’s Bregman is immaterial. It’s that they traded Devers to free up more money, lost out on Alonso, and then couldn’t even retain the guy they said they were going to retain. Fuck them. And people think they’re gonna sign Bichette?

Oregon kept calling time out like they’d have enough time for a double score after the Hoosiers went up by 28.

So the guy who can’t figure out the velcro on his wristband hasn’t won a playoff game you say?

Hey gang of quiet heroes, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: “I would say that was one of the one or two hardest decisions… It was very expensive… It’s the worst financial implication since we’ve owned the team. But I’m a fan first… That’s on me.”

With a Patriots win, what does Los Angeles Mayor Bass have to send to Mayor Wu?

I thought I was having an acid flashback hearing ‘Oronde Gadsden’.

Percale over sateen.

Gonna tell my boss that I need a month off while I eagerly follow Mr. Wonderful from Shark Tank’s Oscar campaign for Marty Supreme. “Could be his year!”

Red Line Ashmont branch: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a disabled train at JFK/UMass. Trains may stand by at stations.

The Bruins knew that the Rangers were so bad on home ice this season that they made them wear their home blue jerseys to get a Rangers home ice performance. Chess not checkers.

Terrell Williams’ prostate is the MVP of the 2025 Patriots.

When you get outbid every time it’s obviously a YOU problem.

What they never tell you about the portrait of John Henry smoking his cigar by the fire is the aftermath: he fell asleep because he’s old, the cigar fell out of his mouth, and burned up all his money [which was held in loose bags of cash] and now he can’t afford Devers OR Bregman.

My aunt got me Lee Iacocca’s autobiography when I turned 14.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman.

I was thinking today felt like Opening Day at Fenway weather but then thought more and said they’d be lucky to have this weather for the home opener.

Jim Harbaugh always looks like something inexplicable happened.

The first day of talking radio man training they tell you not to take a position in front of a vehicle.

Tony Dungy dressed like Rosa Parks waiting for the bus.

Jaylen continually trying to get a highlight off on Wemby wasn’t thuddingly obvious and counterproductive.

Fernando Mendoza says ‘collaborative’ more than Herb Chambers’ Head Felon.

Who the fuck is Wet Leg, and why did “catch these fists” just grab me by the balls?

LA Rams could have the fattest 2 kickers in NFL history.

Kate Hudson, who has come out of nowhere to give an astonishing performance in Song Sung Blue, has been nominated for a SAG award. This means she really has a chance for an Oscar nomination, which would be deserved, as would a win.

Tell her you care each time you speak
Make it her birthday each day of the week
Bring her nice things, sugar and spice things
Roses and lollipops and lollipops and roses.

One day she’ll smile, next day she’ll cry
Minute to minute you’ll never know why
Coax her, pet her, better yet, get her
Roses and lollipops and lollipops and roses.

Why does every lady at every donut shop call me honey? That’s a little too intimate for a routine blueberry muffin purchase.

‘Sarge’ moonlights at Shea Concrete, by chewing rocks into aggregate.

What does rescind mean anyway?

Honk if you remember what denomination McDonald’s gift certificates came in.

Football & Golden Globes = major Twitter day.

The only thing I like more than replays and MVP debates is tush push arguments.

Since when did “New England” mean only Boston? Would be nice to see a lighthouse in Maine or a covered bridge in Vermont.

Alex Karaban has won 2 national titles but had never beaten Seton Hall in Newark before this week.

Does Mike McDaniel have to be interviewed twice to satisfy the Rooney Rule?

True to his word, Paul Finebaum’s going back to the old country – Ireland.

Do NFL teams get credit for extra points if their quarterback slightly looks away from his intended target as he is releasing the ball on a touchdown throw?

Best bet for this weekend: Texans leave the lettermen jackets in Houston.

“Stand up, Miss Jean Louise…Liam Coen’s passing.”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. El Dorado, woo-hoo-hoo!

And happy birthday to British model, singer, and songwriter Karen Elson,
By Paul Hudson from United Kingdom – Karen Elson at Rough Trade, CC BY 2.0,
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