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09/16/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 16, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

A lot of you are gonna crawl back into the woodwork when Drake bounces back. Bookmarks and screenshots last forever, though.

I learned from the sideline reporter last Friday night that BC is 4 miles away from Brigham Young Hospital.

Sue O’Connell is like Keith Olbermann if he were a man.

Don’t ask me why Ben Shelton has never won a Grand Slam tournament. How are seven guys in the world better than this guy?

Okay so apparently Chris Smith is the coolest reporter in Boston so that’s good to know.

Melbin?

Here’s the thing: starting a podcast, is the new, ‘pivot, to video!’

Butch from the Cape would be very disappointed.

I can’t belive Bob would genocide Mackerelmore like that.

Cakes are cooking for Joe Butler, Bernie Calvert, Dennis Conner, Kenney Jones, Ron Blair, Rosemary Casals, Ed Begley Jr, Susan Ruttan, David Bellamy, Henry Louis Gates Jr., Loyd Grossman, Mickey Rourke, Lenny Clarke, Robin Yount, David Copperfield, Jennifer Tilly, Orel Hershiser, Tim Raines, Mickey Tettleton, Bilinda Butcher, Mark Parent, Richard Marx, Bernie Parmalee, Marc Anthony, Chester McGlockton, Amy Pohler, Shawntel Smith, Dan Dickau, Fan Bingbing, Madeline Zima, Nick Jonas, Bryson DeChambeau, Metro Boomin, and Aaron Gordon.

Coach Vrabes, your behavior disappointed Katie Nolan.

Have an image in my head of Jeff Howe being pissed off that the Angel of Death has once again passed by him to flirt with another member of his social circle.

Edge of Tomorrow with Tom Cruise is an EXTREMELY underrated movie.

That Clay Matthews chin pic is more believable than Glenn’s.

Spero Dedes and Adam Archuleta will be on the week 3 CBS call for Patriots-Jaguars the network announced. A team one week to E team the next.

Need Pablo Torre to do an episode on Kendra’s income streams.

A football pre-game show with Pat McAfee AND Jason Kelce?!!!! Is it Christmas already??

Hey gang of karma chameleons, this week’s Phrase that pays is, “Trans Sisters. We are getting scolded by LITERAL BOY GEORGE for being trainwreck Jew haters. Gay dad is disappointed in us. We’ve gotta get our shit together.”

Wait, the placekicker for Green Bay is named ‘Trey Smack?’

Was hoping to hear Mike Conley say he’s wearing #45 with the Celtics because he was a huge Andrew DeClercq fan.

If my ND shirt doesn’t come in soon Babz is gonna hear about it.

Lots of celebrities talk a big game. Few back it up with actions like Mr. Steve Buscemi.

The Red Sox have mastered the art of the Matrix slide.

This is no social crisis
This is you havin’ fun
No crisis
Gettin’ burned by the sun
This is true-

This is no social crisis,

Just another tricky day for you.

Krafty Bob fucked Ed Shreehan like the hand of a 60-year old Vietnamese masseuse.

Just saw The Odyssey and had an out of body experience when Sean Avery popped up lmao

Boy, did Green Bay take a massive shit in their pants.

Taylor Swift doing a song/soundtrack for the next Tom Cruise movie? Co-starting in it? No way that’s random. For the record – I’m in favor of any of that.

Bert Bell invented “the Streisand Effect.”

Green Line C Branch Update: The delay has cleared.

Of course Mutnansky is Team Will Flemming.

Hot take: Rutgers might not be very good this year.

I’m hearing that the lingering effects of long Covid means that Ted Sarandis is unable to be a guest on Big O’s podcast for the foreseeable future. Heartbreaking.

Fake ASL interpreter is my absolute dream job.

Honk if you remember where to get a score card at Pine Oaks Golf Course.

Surely the fans who complain about the Patriots OC every year regardless of who it is are right this time.

Great news everybody, Curtis Mead is “definitely touching a bat”.

Now is the spy bunker actually in Gillette Stadium proper, or, like, in the closed Game Stop location in Jonathan City?

Remember: laughter is a involuntary response.

The best part of an Ohio State loss is Bertie Breer’s insincere congratulations to the other team.

Best bet for the weekend: Fluff.

The15 Writers’ Room- ‘The Big O has transformed into CGI Errol Flynn’ ‘Clean cut Kurt Sutter’ ‘He looks like he’s starring in a reboot of Shane’ “looks like he’s been the star of Days of Our Lives for the past 30 years.’ ‘Kinda looks like The $15 Dollar Man’
*‘Like someone photoshopped Tom Selleck into his face’ ‘Looks like Leonardo DiCaprio would if he dated someone over 25’*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, Old Friend Humphrey, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s all too beautiful.

*And happy birthday to model/actress Alexis Bledel.*

09/10/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 10, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Drew Lock outduels Brain Lock.

Well, at least Revolution salvaged a win for the region tonight!

Is Ed Hand Hogdale’s conservator?

Imagine the first thing you think of after the Gonzalez signing is Dave Brown?

Doug Eddings didn’t like the tilt of Western Michigan’s helmets and gave Michigan another play.

We’re all poorer for not hearing Jerry Remy say “Mickey Gaspah.”

I guess Pablo found out…

It’s nice that they have a football game to support this Microsoft Tablet promotion.

Who could have forseen the Michael Lombardi implosion coming?

Cakes are coking for Artie Tripp, Danny Hutton, José Feliciano, Larry Nelson, Barriemore Barlow, Bill O’Reilly, Don Muraco, Don Powell, Joe Perry, Gary Danielson, Amy Irving, Pat Mastelotto, Johnny Hickman, Carol Decker, Chris Coloumbus, Colin Firth, Randy Johnson, Joe Nieuwendyk, Robin Goodridge, Big Daddy Kane, Guy Ritchie, Ben Wallace, Ryan Phillippe, Timothy Goebel, Misty Copeland, Joey Votto, Matthew Followill, Ashley Monroe, Coco Rocha, Jordan Staal, and Brooke Henderson.

Nancy Grace is a great American.

If it’s not a Super Bowl, it’s not a Super Bowl rematch.

Nick Wright is what Gorilla Monsoon once famously said..the fountain of misinformation.

Ms. Rachel can hoop, Oh HELL YEAH!

Hey gang that’s got spirit, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “They all have great jobs they just sling cvnt for the love of the game.”

I hope El Prez doesn’t have to shutter the Chicago Office as a cost cutting measure after the Rutgers bet debacle.

Fun Australia Fact: All the koalas have chlamydia.

Sorry, but I ain’t getting in a driverless automobile of any kind. I don’t trust it.

Jason Kelce’s TV is mounted too high.

Maybe they should call her ‘Ben Shelton’s girlfriend’ instead of ‘Dennis Rodman’s daughter.’ Would that be better, ladies?

Map out your route during the Orange Line diversion between Forest Hills and Back Bay. On September 10-14, use alternate transit: Free shuttle buses, free Commuter Rail trains between Forest Hills, Ruggles, Back Bay, and South Station.

That Van Natta article about no wrongdoing being found seems to have been really accurate.

Patriots will rebound when they’re back home, with the welcoming lighthouse and the blank wall where the Jerod Mayo mural used to be.

A 20 piece McNugget is $7 right now.

If baseball wasn’t at minimum, occasionally boring the Savannah Bananas wouldn’t be a thing.

The puffy helmet looks extra gay when you suck.

Buddy, what’s up with those bobo batteries? No wonder why they’re all dead as Dillinger. When it comes to batteries, you gotta go Duracell, or Energizer. Only two options.

Just a reminder that UNC plays East Tennessee State on Saturday afternoon, in case you’re looking for some REAL football.

Imagine watching Nancy Grace on TV in 2026?

Clips could have gotten away with the whole thing if Kawhi just took a picture next to a tree.

The Farmer’s Dog has been named the NFL’s first official Pet Food Partner. The multi-year partnership kicks off with a campaign starring Giants RB Cam Skattebo and his senior rescue dog, Duke.

That wasn’t very abercrombie of Drake Maye.

Eddie Andelman would have loved this 7’3” Chinese chick. She’s the basketball equivalent of a sumo hockey goalie.

Flailing Flemming finally forces Finn fingerwag.

As a running back would you rather be a bell cow or a work horse?

Go. Go U. Go UMass. Go UMass!

Excited to watch Frusen Glädjé prove he deserves the 50-million-dollar contract extension.

My day literally consists of editing my Patriots hype video, continuing my “Patriots as Comic Book Characters” blog, pretending to check my work email, repeat.

They send you to rehab to get cured off of the edibles?

I don’t think I’ve ever seen fog like this before…

Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What’s all these crazy questions
You’re askin’ me?
This is the craziest party
That could ever be
Don’t turn on the lights
‘Cause I don’t wanna see

Mama told me not to come, oh Lord
Mama told me not to come
She said, “That ain’t the way to have fun, No.”

A plastic container of spices loses 17% of its flavor when it crosses state lines.

‘Pallet fort’ in French is ‘fort de palette.’

Fantastic. Wish you the best. You will have a suit on your door when AI opens up your info. We will have fun then!

Cover screws have torque specs?

We lost Danny Gans way too soon. Incredible talent.

Mut put out a video that he thought a horse Portnoy owns had a great shot of winning its race at Saratoga and the nag came in eighth place. Incredible.

Another big goal for Capi!

I thought the whole point of having chicks on the college recruiting staff was so they’d have sex with the recruits?

Honk if you remember Carling Black Label.

Luckily Brown’s not injury prone and hasn’t had high ankle sprains last all season long before in Tennessee or anything.

Dawn Light makes the all-Synonym Team.

The NBA Cup winner should get the forfeited Clippers picks.

What does Jerry Thornton do for Barstool now anyways? Is he their correspondent to the Vatican?

You go out there and show that hyboid cancer who’s boss Marc Bertrand!

Walpole Joe Morgan. Lunchpail guy and manager of these nine. Magic. He will be dearly missed.

Best bet for the weekend: Eagles over Scarlet Knights out to Chestnut Hill.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, Marlee Wierda, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Shalise Manza Young. Shalise Manza Young. Shalise Manza Young, went to the baño; what have they done?

The 2026 Labor Day Weekend Playlist

Posted on September 3, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

(Dear The15net dot com Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is the musical playlist for your Labor Day weekend enjoyment. In the car, at the beach, by the lake, or just at home. Assorted Songs of Work and Toil, Songs of Celebration & Songs of Summer’s Departing. Click HERE to download.)

You Can’t Sideload Happiness – 4 Tabs Tiled

Pineapple Upside Down Cake – Muddle of Pudd

Catfishing Toes – MegO Rapscallian

Seersucker Sal (Done Got Killed by His Gal) – Turkeypie Jefferson

Feels – Fat Human Coinstar

It’s Raining Lies – The Drought Doubters

A Shitbird’s Lament – Pat McAfee

You Can Leave Your Tarp On – Joe Cocker

Love – Jaren Dolers

Who Won? We WON – Clamcastic Fantastic

Fictitious Fish – Jethro Trull (with Fictional Friction)

Crazy Baker Lady (gluten free mix)- Deadmau5

Someone’s in Sedona with Dianna – Mick Gindaloon & His Dumb Polacks

My Ever Changing Moods – Marion Council

Strange Fruit – Upton Bellie Holiday

Blitz, JC, The Barber, & Johnny V – They Might Be Giants

Unfunny Man – Emerson Lotzia & Palmer

Where Have All the Traffic Cones Gone? – MassDOT Highway Division Special Projects Chorus

My Best Friend Dan Lifshatz – Known Cunt

3 to 5 – Joshy Parton

Heading for a Fall – The Michael Hollies

Take Em Out (Miss Porter’s Mix) – Franz Onlyfans

Slur – Tears for Rears

Makin’ Mercury Grand Marquises – Ron Catamount Muskmelon

(Don’t Go Back to) Nashua – J.R.M.

Where Did I Say I Was A Fortunate Son? – Steve Steve R

Pictures Of Butchie – The Murphs

Data Center Outage Blues – Norton Adams & The State Collegians (Live)

Paprika Caravan – Martin Denny

Big Jeff From Work – Wamesit Lanes Men’s Glee Club

Union Sundowning – Bob Ryan

Birth, School, ???, Death – Gillfathers

Something’s Fishy – The Aggrieved White Clam Exercise Band

Drivelinin’ – Robert Parker

Have a Job Do a Job Work a Job Give a Job – The Middsy 5

Uncrustable in Paradise – Marvelous Mike

Take This Job and Rat Shovel It – Brawny Paycheck

That’s What I Want – Lil Nas BHL

Amor y Control – Ruben Blades

No Work and All Play – Living in a Van Marion

Don’t Talk to Me About Work (Unless it’s During a Strike) – Lou Merloni

You’re Next – Happy Warriors Cancellation Brigade

Vacation – We All Wish Kendra Would Go-Go

We’re Going to Be Friends – Marvelous Mike and the Fudge Stripes

Free Fallin’ – Michael Holley, Michael Holley!

Love Photo No. 9 (in the grid) – Dan Kelley Sports

The Hot Dog Rollers Won’t Fix Themselves – First Aid Kit (feat. Yngwie Malmsteen)

Pictures of Sal – The Milk Carton Kids

Main Theme to ‘The Fat Guy & The AI P.I.’ -The CBS Procedural Orchestra

Unsafety Dance – Men Without Shame

(Have a song suggestion? Or a compliment? Leave it in the comments! Or just reply on Twitter, I guess.)

09/02/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 2, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Eh. Scheduled loss.

Mainstream CFB writers being introduced to a BB team winning a rock fight is delightful. And 15-10 is like a perfect Belichick win. Pisses off exactly all the right people.

All these trust fund kids circle jerking over how little they made in their useless media jobs isn’t at all triggering.

They weren’t booing Páez, they were still cheering on Woo!

In the back of my mind I thought the Pro Bowl had been eliminated years ago.

Dolly held the exact same social and political views as me!

I’m not going to be used as a pawn as the two sides piss at each other. If a deal isn’t done by September 9th, then I’ll be livid.

Derek Jeter did not “dive into the stands” to catch a ball. He made a nice running catch in the playing field, and his momentum carried him into the stands. Nice play, but not heroic.

I don’t even know what Good Good is other than redundant.

Note to broadcasters especially in MLB. Please call players by their last names and not their first. Its Rafaela not Cedanne. The trend started years ago and it isn’t a good one.

Since Boston doesn’t have a WNBA team yet, I’ve adopted Golden State as my team strictly because of Veronica Burton. The Valkyries won their third straight last night, and @Veronicaab22 had 13 assists and 0 turnovers. She has 29 assists and 1 turnover during the win streak.

Apropos of nothing, I hope Corey Kiner gets a locker in the corner of the locker room, so we can all call it Kiner’s Korner. #iykyk

Cakes are cooking for Peter Ueberroth, Mary Jo Catlett, Harry Northup, Rosalind Ashford, Nate Archibald, Terry Bradshaw, Rosanna DeSoto, Mark Harmon, Jimmy Connors, Linda Purl, Mario Tremblay, Steve Porcaro, Eric Dickerson, John S. Hall, Jeff Russell, Keanu Reeves, Lenox Lewis, Cynthia Watros, Rich Aurilia, Jason Hammel, Rachael Gunn, and Brandon Ingram.

No one ever talks about how heavily accordion is featured in Mexican music.

The people who hate seeing Kirk Herbstreit’s dog on TV are the same people who drive 5 mph under the speed limit in the left lane. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Hey, didja all hear about this guy who pretended to be a 49ers player? Haven’t seen many people talking about it. Crazy stuff, huh?

Red Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to an earlier signal problem at Harvard.

I’m sorry but being a WAG is not being a woman in sports.

Omg seriously what is in Mickey’s crotch?

If I wanted to watch sweaty men dance in tight attire, I’d attend a Chippendales show rather than a Savannah Bananas game.

Dad is never using Venmo. You cannot make him.

Yesterday was “rentree” in France, a massive day. ALL of the schools are back in session Mayors and principals were interviewed on television.

Team Gaga btw. Madonna can kick rocks.

The Red Sox fill-in play-by-play guy on radio tonight sounds like Pablo Torre after 1.5 martinis, and I can’t shake it. But excited for the Clippers dirt he’ll have for the 7th inning stretch.

Where does one even acquire an Anduril hat?

The play made by Monasterio is ruled a catch against any other team. fact, not opinion.

Lucy go for a walk or something in Boston we boo if you stink up the joint you don’t like it move to Mars.

Can Elon ban all Barstool-related content? Every video I see is like “Oh man, Scuzzy and Grunch were going at it in the Chicago office today. Apparently one of them hooked up with Kacey Jugzzz at Dave & Buster’s last night? Super crazy. I’m glad Fat Tits Snapback Guy was recording.”

Hey gang of finger lickers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Black buns and mashed potatoes sounds like something I’m not going to image search.”

I hope Jedixson Páez pitches on Section 10 Night.

Feels like I can’t make fun of the Clancy women anymore when there’s a large chunk of dudes convinced Sandusky is innocent.

Well, I hope MLB brings back protesting a game after the lockout season!

Thinking of that fat fucking cvnt Lifshatz calling people retards as his neck fat jiggles from typing is hilarious.

GTA 6 players will need to learn how to maintain a relationship, according to IGN. Don’t you play video games so you don’t have to go shopping with your wife?

I love the Mickey Gasper story as much as the next guy, but I draw the line at “Hey Mickey you’re so fine”

Greg you couldn’t be more wrong about this sub shop take you have in the oven and the Italian subs and all that nonsense.

I’ve found a home with writing haikus. The requirements are oddly helpful.

Bright eyes full of dreams,
Laughter ringing through the air,
Shining proud and free.

Lol you ever looked into toilet paper? If you aren’t using bamboo by now….yikes.

I bet Mike Mussina knows what day this is. I sure do.

Love her, but Heidi Watney should uncinch the screws holding her face back a couple of turns.

A Bill hasn’t defeated Dykes like that since DOMA back in ‘96.

You can tell someone is a football expert when they list a team’s schedule by the quarterbacks they’re going to play.

What time do they lock the Coliseum they got there in Rome for the night?

After a few hours of searching the house (detachable penis)
And calling everyone I could think of
I was starting to get very depressed (detachable penis)
So I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast

Then as I walked down Second Avenue
Towards St. Mark’s place where (detachable penis)
All those people sell used books and other junk on the street
I saw my penis lying on a blanket (detachable penis)
Next to a broken toaster oven
Some guy was selling it (detachable penis)
I had to buy it off him, he wanted 22 bucks (detachable penis)
But I talked him down to $17.

People sure do demand a lot of decorum from a sport where it’s commonplace to gnaw on a wad of tobacco.

What a needy prick Giardi is. Really.

What if Good Good Golf re-shoots the ad but it’s RA getting shoved to the ground?

Rule 5 is usually a synonym for a bum.

Pro Tip: Ham sandwiches get indicted, not North Shore three-way beefs.

Honk if you remember The Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon.

I know more about cards than 99.9% of people who own cards. I’ve covered cards for 26 years.

Lomu…..Latu…..Latu….Lomu.

Doesn’t every single gambling ad read on The Ringer end with “must be 21 and present”?

Turn off your radios numrods.

Jamai Webster still occasionally starts a question that he has no idea how to finish.

It’s my favorite time of year. BC could go undefeated!

Best bet for the weekend: buying 7 dozen eggs and 4 gallons of milk.

Take their picks! All of them!!
(N.B. Kansas City won this Week 14, 2019 game 23-16, with Butker 3-3 on field goals, 2-2 on extra points.)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, BSMW Old Friend Humphrey, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We’re dancing in the streets.

And Happy Birthday to Mexican actress Salma Hayek.

Welcome Back Students!

Posted on September 1, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Welcome back to all the college and university students! And a particular welcome to our new squad of student interns here at The15, both in the Greater Boston area and elsewhere:

Emily Barncoat – ’29 Northeastern University

Fern Beckfick – ’29 Emmanuel College

Treydon Bouchet – ’29 University of Massachusetts – Lowell

Waylen Champlain – ’29 College of the Holy Cross

Zorba Fitzmurphy -’28 Boston University

Armando Glurge – ’29 Suffolk University

Willard Kelley – ’28 Bunker Hill Community College

Anastasia Krill – ’29 Boston College

Donnie Lonergan – ’28 Assumption University

Stefon Machafo – ’29 Emerson College

George Rao – ’29 Boston College

Ryan Sorghum – ’29 University of Massachusetts – Boston

Saoirse Vespa – ’29 Merrimack College

Turcotinga Willoughby – ’29 Boston University

Hannah Zuik – ’28 Framingham State University

We hope to learn as much from you, as you do from us. Remember: Knowledge Is Good.

*(Appearance of actual interns may vary.)*

2026

08/26/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 25, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Being really into baseball feels closer to being into trains or military history than it does following other sports. That’s not a judgement but an observation.

I think I’d rather be found in the actual ‘Palestine’ instead of a trailer park in East Palestine, Ohio.

Rear Admiral is like an alien from Men in Black trying to blend into society as a real person.

The Saugus Rocket with a worse takeoff than the Space Shuttle Challenger.

You would assume an MLB team owner would be more Hanukkah Steinberg than Kwanza Jones.

I’m sorry to say this because she seems like a lovely person but Mary Steenburgen’s voice goes right through me.

Roman is almost Nomar spelled backwards.

The local media was visibly disappointed there were no fights during the Pats/Eagles joint practice.

Sam Malone’s character was inspired by B’s Derek Sanderson – a charismatic athlete who hung around Boston bars in the ’70s and developed a drinking problem which derailed his career.

The only way Jerry Thornton could love Sophie Cunningham more is if she seduced a 14-year old boy.

Barn coat sales must spike every two years right before they start filming political ads.

Boutte had a lot of big catches. Big Boutte.

Cakes are cooking for Moe Tucker, Valerie Simpson, Bob Cowsill, Billy Rush, John Kinsella, Branford Marsalis, Ola Ray, Chris Burke, Dan Vickrey, Shirley Manson, Myron Guyton, Adrian Young, Drew Hester, Elaine Irwin, Melissa Mccarthy, Tyler Connolly, Carey Tally, Patrick Kennedy, Jamal Lewis, Chris Pine, Macaulay Culkin, Birdie Kim, John Mulaney, David Price, Wayne Simmonds, James Harden, and Keke Palmer.

If I was a billionaire NFL Owner, you’d never have to worry about me being in the news for soliciting prostitutes or going to a rub and tug. I’d be too busy just loving life owning an NFL team and wanting to win Super Bowls. Just saying lol

Lay off the naturals lady.

Have you seen any crazy hummus dip patterns lately?

Random but I love that theres just been a group of birds hanging out in left field all day. Eli White might be a Disney Princess in disguise.

Blue Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Not to be misogynistic but women are idiots.

We live in a world where I have to see Tyler Milliken half naked. I’ve see that fat bitches tits more times in 6 months than Ive seen my wifes.. in fairness to Tyler, he looks like he’d understand what a love tap to the eye means after dinner.

Little League World Series dads in the stands wearing arm sleeves is why they hate us.

Eli White is Jewish Dave Roberts.

If Klay Thompson in 2000 2627 is part of your big 3, then your 3 is not big at all.

The Red Sox have gone from 14 games under .500 to 14 games over .500 in 62 days, the second-shortest such turnaround in MLB history (Elias Sports Bureau). The Red Sox are also the first team in MLB history to get to extra innings by way of two Mickey Gasper solo homers and a fastball hitting an umpire squarely in the face (Hurley Sports Bureau).

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson.

Hey gang, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “What a strange reply. But yeah, you do you too.”

Cedanne cannot be trusted to challenge pitches.

Why didn’t Michael Holley think of that move when he was stuck co-hosting with Mike Salk?

It would really stick it to the patriarchy if Sara Civ were to dump them out.

An MBTA Orange Line shuttle bus that was supposed to take passengers to North Station accidentally drove them to Stoneham instead Thursday morning. The driver is no longer working the shuttle service. It happened on Day 1 of the 11-day Orange Line shutdown.

News Item: WNBA team reveals new queer turtle mascot to taunt Indiana Fever star Sophie Cunningham. Okay.

Paul Perillo is actually starting to look like the animated Bob’s Discount Furniture guy.

I got a ton of respect for Marcus Freeman. A Jim Tressel Buckeye if there ever was one.

Mario Hilario blowing Liberace isn’t as gay as the Sox outfield gayball celebration dance. Which is gay.

They left poor Lucy alone with Matt McCarthy on Boston Has Entered the Chat.

Want to hear something funny? I just dreamed I saw Mickey Gasper it a 414-foot homer to dead center!

A fan in a Luka Dončić jersey threw a green object on the court while the Sparks and Dream were lined up at the free-throw line. The object was covered up with a towel and the fan was chased onto the concourse by security.

Islands in the stream
That is what we are
No one in-between
How can we be wrong?
Sail away with me
To another world
And we rely on each other, ah-ha
From one lover to another, ah-ha

Gresh keeps hot sauce in his purse? Who does he think he is, Hillary Clinton?

Honk if you remember living in a world where Mr. Don LaFontaine did the movie trailer voiceovers.

Fun fact: Dolly Parton wrote the songs ‘Jolene’ and ‘I Will Always Love You’ on the same day. But do you know who she wrote that second song about? You guessed it: Frank Stallone.

Middlebrooks having to gently contradict Flemming about 500 times a night is great radio.

Steve Buckley spends the year between the Oldtime Baseball Games sniffing the game-worn flannel uniforms.

A Cameo pep talk from someone who randomly cries over nothing? Where do I send my money?

Patriots did Celtics fans a solid by bringing a new Jaylen to town.

“Cash Considerations” would kinda be a perfect name for a Brian Cashman podcast.

Looking forward to the Celtics-76ers joint practices.

Kenni dresses like Sally O’Malley.

I am ready to go full Mensa Matt when they just hand Story his job back..pal.

The one damn time all the 350+ lb guys at Barstool HQ could be put to good use and not one of them to be found.

Best bet for the weekend: The Storrowings before ‘Allston Christmas.’

*(In reality, the Oldtime Game uniforms are returned to storage by Royal White Laundry of Somerville.)*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Michael NMI Hurley, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I hope life treats you kind.

*Dolly Parton was a national treasure. She will be missed. RIP, nice lady.*

08/19/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 19, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Everyone will want to be in the Pat McAfee business.*

You’d think after the Patriots played their first preseason game of the season WEEI would have their resident football expert, Ted Johnson, on to break down the game, but he must be overtired from late night tweeting and that’s why he isn’t on?

Holley passing out looks like when Urkel finally sees Laura Winslow in a bathing suit.

Can’t load the dishwasher? Murdered a cop OR your children? Well, don’t worry, ladies, we’re not allowed to hold you accountable for anything!

The Kraft Productions logo still has a pink tie, but hipster RKK now goes with an open collar!

Boy Tom Verducci has the IQ of a doorknob.

Is it a rule that everybody on the Toucher & Hardy show has to wear a hat?

Lou damn Merloni just said that soft schedule talk is overplayed. Just for the baseball team, I assume.

Butch Huskey was one of our great names. RIP.

Hey gang of weather dudes! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Lol. There isn’t a map out there you won’t dispute.”

Dart Adams invented the run-on sentence.

Cakes are cooking for Bill Cleary, Renée Richards, Story Musgrave, Diana Muldaur, Jill St John, Jack Canfield, Ian Gillan, Bill Clinton, Gerald McRaney, Tipper Gore, Toshio Suzuki, John Deacon, Jonathan Frakes, Ned Yost, Peter Gallagher, Darryl Sutter, Ivan Neville, Ricky Pierce, Morten Andersen, Ron Darling, Valerie Kaprisky, Joey Tempest, John Stamos, Kevin Dillon, Kyra Sedgwick, Lee Ann Womack, Tabitha Soren, Mary Joe Fernandez, Michael Todd, J. J. Hardy, Christina Perri, Patrick Chung, Kirk Cousins, and Marcello Hernández.

That’s the funniest part of the Michael Holley video. Florio doesn’t care about Michael at all, he’s just upset the segment got fucked up.

The Pat MacAfee album is giving off ‘Matt and Ben wrote the Good Will Hunting script all by themselves’ vibes.

Aug 18, 1967. Tony C’s Cooperstown journey was de-railed. The Fenway silence as he lay at home plate was deafening.

The only time I was “dehydrated” I drove in to a MBTA pole.

How is it possible that Lindsay Clancy is more sane than most of the women supporting her?

Monasterio is a better Rusney Castillo.

Blue Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

There’s never been a positive news headline involving a quarry.

Sonny Gray is just a ball player.

I picture the McCourtys looking at each other during the game like, “should there be all this dead air?”

Glenn ‘Doc’ Rivers, now enshrined in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame.

Tommy John needing Tommy John surgery, the odds on that must have been astronomical. RIP.

I’ve heard that all the best radio personalities fight for the 9-11 Saturday morning shift. Almost as sought after as DJ Bean’s 6-7 AM Soccer show.

Lucy I like you but slow your role please.

It seemed like the Chiclets guys were letting RA dip his toe back in the brackish pod waters and he predictably goes and has 17 nips on a Monday. Many such cases.

Watching Tom Caron walk around the park peddling 50/50 tickets is not good television.

Gotta give credit to Sir Mix-A-Lot, he wrote hit songs that gave love to both big butts and big boobs!

Dr. Frasier Crane is a Hank McCoy variant.

What did Hayden Panettiere know about the Red Sox hacking Pitch Comm? Taken from us too soon.

Providence isn’t sending their best to wheel of fortune.

Are we still pretending Annie Agar is funny? Or can we stop? Tits don’t make you funny. Please be better.

Fun fact: Mama Scartelli, with her atrocious Boston accent, pronounces drawer as ‘draw’.

I had no specific animus towards that Conley guy, so RIP to him. But imagine being remembered as the curator of dongs.

Orange Line Reminder: August 20-30 Service will be suspended between Oak Grove and Back Bay for infrastructure upgrades. Use shuttle buses between Oak Grove and North Station. Use the Green Line between North Station and Copley/Back Bay. Commuter Rail alternatives are available.

That twisted fruit Jake 100% got his dog stuck down by Boston Harbor on purpose and called the news himself for attention. He then made sure to call into the Sports Hub to talk about it, too.

Aubrey Huff trying to play in the women’s baseball league yet?

Honk if you remember the Little Black Sambo Merry-Go-Round at Story Land.

One of the McCourty’s was pretty good doing color on Westwood One during the playoffs. I’m not sure which one because they all sound alike.

Nobody gonna take my car, I’m gonna race it to the ground
Nobody gonna beat my car, it’s gonna break the speed of sound
Ooh it’s a killing machine it’s got everything
Like a driving power big fat tyres everything

I love it and I need it I bleed it
Yeah it’s a wild hurricane
Alright hold tight
I’m a highway star…

Drizzilicious sounds like a fake gay rapper on The Boondocks.

I bet Rich Keefe cried. Again.

Michael Holley looks like RuPaul when the AIDS test came back.

Euthanizing those who genuinely enjoy Pat McAfee seems like the moderate position.

I love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next guy, but when did every bored housewife turn into Art Bell?

Turgeman is Israeli for Vrioni.

Eagles’ fourth quarterback is Cole Payton which sounds like what ChatGPT would answer if you asked it to create a name for a generic backup QB.

I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of white women watching murder trials until we can figure out what’s going on.

Pablo Sandoval was a Jimmy Fund captain? At least they got something out of him.

I look forward to Vrabel’s human shields becoming more outlandish as the season goes on. He’ll be juggling ALS patients while blindfolded by the end of the year.

Red Sox 2-0 on TV38 this season.

It’s odd that longtime Clippers season ticket holder Bill Simmons wants that story to go away.

Best bet for the weekend: Gonzo gets the bag!

“Bway-nos tahr-days, amigos! We all know how important the Jimmy Fund is, Don. Those kids need our help. But I got an even better idear: helpin’ my beauterful son Jared get outta prison. Look, he made a mistake, but the young lady there shouldn’t auhter have made him angry. It’s time to put aside the annermosity and bring my son home. BE SURE TO TEXT #FREEJARED TO THE NUMBAH ON YOUR SCREEN BELOW.”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Matt Vautour, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I got all the trouble I’m ever gonna need. And I just don’t want no more.

08/12/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 12, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Jarren Duran Is Not Bussin.

Did the Globe Pitchbot write Adam Vinatieri’s speech?

I have bad news for my NFL media friends ahead of the 2026 season. The NFLGSIS login process has changed significantly.

You wouldn’t know my bookie, he’s from Montevideo.

Jonathan Papelbon makes Jim Rice feel like one of the great orators of his generation.

Hunter Henry has been a great Patriot. Extremely underrated.

Everytime someone talks about BTS I think about beating the spread.

The amount of reinforcements the WooSox are going to get for their playoff push is kind of crazy.

Calling an Italian “two chains” instead of “cutlets” seems more problematic, not less.

Before anyone asks me why I said “bar” (for a boy) rather than “bat” (for a girl), girls can have their bat mitzvah at age 12 or 13, but boys can only be bar mitzvah’d at 13.

Was the Citgo sign holding the Sox back?!

Cakes are cooking for George Hamilton, Jennifer Warren, Sam Rosen, Mark Knopfler, Jim Beaver, Bryan Bassett, Pat Metheny, Bruce Greenwood, Lynette Woodard, Sir Mix A Lot [Anthony Ray], Peter Krause, Andrew Glover, Pete Sampras, Yvette Nicole Brown, Rebecca Gayheart, Grey DeLisle, Casey Affleck, Regan Upshaw, Dominique Swain, Maggie Lawson, Tyson Fury, Khris Middleton, Lakeith Stanfield, and Dixie D’Amelio.

(No cake for you, Antione Walker, and the same goes for Willie Horton and Richard Reid.)

Anyone ever on the South Coast wanting a good place to eat. Profile Tavern in Freetown always delivers.

Mirthful Mego-O, we call her.

There are definitely people who don’t know what words mean, but are there people who don’t know what words means…

I don’t deserve Tubi.

About to order my Caleb Durbin city connect. Hopefully it arrives with the dirt already on it.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Why are you like this?”

Need a throwback football game where all the players have to wear giant pads.

Memo to people trying to mock a Boston accent: There is no R in Boston so, no, we don’t say “Bahston.”

Started this INSANE-O docu-series on HBO, “Monsters of God” about exotic reptile owners/sellers. Shit my pants twice before the credits even started.

If I were a billionaire with limitless resources I would hire someone from MIT to dump every pitch every pitcher in baseball has ever thrown into a multimodal LLM and train it to predict pitches for each pitcher in real time and then I’d have a first base coach wearing a device that signals the pitch that’s coming and communicate that to the batter somehow. But surely no one would EVER do that. I mean, I could do it with Codex for 200 bucks. But surely a person who has amassed unimaginable wealth would never do something like that.

Red Sox might be in trouble tonight because it looks like my mother is playing second base.

Green Line: August 8 – 16 No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Cleveland Circle (C), Kenmore (D), & Heath St (E). Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay & North Station

“Keep you off the cover of USA Today” has real ‘you want to be in The Eye Column?’ energy.

Am I the only guy that doesn’t think of Jonah Hill as the fat guy from Superbad?
He’s the fat guy from Moneyball.

I don’t think telling an aspy retard how emotions work will do any good.

You check out guitar George, he knows all the chords
Mind, it’s strictly rhythm, he doesn’t want to make it cry or sing
They said an old guitar is all he can afford
When he gets up under the lights to play his thing.
And Harry doesn’t mind if he doesn’t make the scene;
He’s got a daytime job, he’s doing alright
He can play the honky-tonk like anything
Savin’ it up for Friday night
With the Sultans
We’re the Sultans of Swing.

Sorry, Uncle Jack, I don’t think the regional supermarket guy who’s in a blood feud with his sisters can hang with the gang from Symphony Tech.

Upon further review I actually think Adam Vinatieri’s Hall of Fame speech was a little weird.

Here’s a trick to eating white rice. Put hot sauce or buffalo sauce on it. Tastes delicious.

Honk if you remember Darryl Stingley.

If Gary Washburn was in the Yakuza, he’d have to cut off one of his fingers.

After that diving catch the other night I thought the Sox might IL Wong to kick the can down the road. Guess not.

News Item: Patriots release OT Caedan Wallace. Can’t believe an Optum focus group failed us like this.

Peyton Tolle has the exuberance of your 9-year-old cousin and the mustache of your 52-year-old uncle.

Don Nelson. Grear player, better coach. RIP.

Best bet for the weekend: Gillette Stadium gets new turf. Again.

*Yes, I have been saving these jokes from the Tom Brady roast, how could you tell?*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Matt Vautour, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We do the walk, do the walk of life.

And happy birthday to model, actress and LGBT activist Cara Delevigne.

08/05/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on August 5, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Jarren Duran hasn’t been this surprised since the gun didn’t go off. What?

New Englanders wait all winter for warm weather just for people to start acting like it’s October in August #lol

You should be publicly flogged for posting Madden ratings.

Imagine committing fraud for Daniel Theis.

Oh to buy a legit Red Sox shirt with my own last name on it.

I bet Romo got pulled over for having that haircut. That’s enough probable cause.

Sure it’s late here after a west coast game, but Rich Hill should have lower energy on the postgame show.

Few if any executives have had a more expansive impact on a sports organization’s business-side success over the past two decades than Tom Garfinkel.

Cakes are cooking for John McCartan, Jo Collins, Bernie Carbo, Eddie “Fingers” Ojeda, Maureen McCormick, Pat Smear, Otis Thorpe, Patrick Ewing, Mark Strong, Adam Yauch, Jeff Coffin, James Gunn, John Olerud, John Wasdin, Eric Hinske, Carl Crawford, LoLo Jones, Paula Creamer, Patrick Reed, and Anthony Edwards.

Why does everyone making “content” (Sideshow Bob groan) use that tiny little microphone you can only hold with two fingers?

The 8K Calorie Challenge, or as Tazzi’s wife calls it, breakfast. HeyOOOOO!

Is this even fun for Dodgers fans? Like yeah, you get all the best players and you’re going to win the World Series, but can that replicate the joy of watching Caleb Durbin lay down a perfect bunt, or Andruw Monasterio line a double to the gap?

Hey gang of gamers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Spent a long time on myrrh”.

Good thing I have plus-plus barrel control.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a signal problem near Harvard. Trains may stand by at stations.

Regarding Roman Anthony: Call me when he has more swings than swigs.

The Invite is a pants-pissingly hilarious movie and funniest of year so far. Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde pull off hilarious Laurel & Hardy routine as miserable married couple hosting their horny, chill neighbors (Penelope Cruz and Ed Norton) for dinner and hilarity ensues. Wilde is the revelation here though, giving a comedic performance for the ages. Expect some noms.

Dondero really wants you guys to know he played baseball in college.

“I work seven days a week!” like she’s punching the clock at the Pontiac plant and not part-time at whatever the fuck Action Network HQ is.

Soon, Wally will be wearing a Ceddanne Rafaela mask.

My goal in life right now is to cut off the sound of the Toyota singing cowboy commercial before he gets to the second “big.” Most annoying commercial of the year.

Corruption? In Rhode Island? Seems farfetched.

I never had Sweetgreen in my life. It looks like one of those places that puts processed chicken in your salad and tells you you’re eating healthy.

The Patriots are at their best when they have a cannon-armed black QB who has no chance of actually playing.

The Skyhawks is a great name.

Wait, did Merloni do a Pedro imitation using an Asian voice?

Surprised they re-signed Pochettino when guys like Twellman have all the answers.

Tarik Skubal is still white.

Anyone needs me, I’m going to Cumbys to get some toad venom.

So Kyle Shanahan got hit in the face with airbags? Same thing happened to Coach Vrabes and Dianna!

Ohtani lost 45K betting that the Sox would throw at him. Sad.

No matter where I am, every time I see a traffic cone now, I smile thinking of the Scottish invasion of Boston during the World Cup.

I can’t stand it, I know you planned it
I’m gonna set it straight, this Watergate
Lord, I can’t stand rockin’ when I’m in this place
Because I feel disgrace because you’re all in my face
But make no mistakes and switch up my channel
I’m Buddy Rich when I fly off the handle
What could it be? It’s a mirage
You’re scheming on a thing, that’s sabotage.

Please don’t respond to me and tell me to “relax” or “calm down” I’ll block your ass so fast. The audacity of people on this app (men)

News Item: Boston College fired longtime MBB broadcasters because new coach Luke Murray didn’t want anyone tied to old staff. OK, but can he get Meterparel fired too?

The last 2 players to wear number 11 for the Red Sox were traded to the Giants.

My dad heard “Big Pussy died” and immediately called my wife to ask how I killed myself. Very hurtful. RIP.

Bye, Narv.

The 4th Earl of Sandwich didn’t become so degenerate a gambler that he wouldn’t leave the card table to eat supper just to have his name misstated.

Best bet for the weekend: Revs over Dynamo.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Fearless Farinella, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Intergalactic.

*And a joyeux anniversaire to French-American actress and author Stéphanie Szostak.*

07/29/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on July 29, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*You wouldn’t ask a hard question to a coach holding a puppy, would you?*

I would suggest that Portnoy not take retards with him to Celebrity Family Feud, but I honestly don’t know who the non-retarded Barstool employees are.

How do you have x-rays negative and a broken wrist?

I love a good Facebook page.

Dr. Blumberg is neglecting her wifely duties; keeping Robert’s pathological need to be in front of a camera in check.

If you get into an online argument about badminton, do they say “you don’t know cock”?

It’s over for Mr. Lombardi.

Lot of bad tattoos at the beach right now.

LeBron is not a Wolf.

Hi not being a jerk but please don’t use “kiddos.” Kids or campers works. Thx

Cakes are coking for Charles Schwab, Roz Kelly, Michelle Angelo, Neal Doughty, Leslie Easterbrook, Geddy Lee, Ken Burns, Patti Scialfa, Scott Steiner, Martina McBride, Mike Williams, Wil Wheaton, Wanyá Morris, Josh Radnor, Allison Mack, Ashley McBryde, Chad Billingsley, and Dak Prescott.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays (enough to be constantly on vacation) is, “Maybe the crew at Dave & Busters are still trying to fish out those skee balls.”

311 is very polarizing.

You get tired much earlier in the night after a fun day at the beach.

The WNBA is going to fuck up the free lunch after the one-car funeral procession for their league.

I don’t want to say I called the Mead injury right away but that’s exactly how it unfolded, like an old AAA map of New England in your glove compartment.

Imagine sharing a screen with Chris Curtis and being, by far, the uglier person.

Cumberland College thought Team Barstool got their asses kicked.

I like that Dan Kelley strays into slightly edgier content than Dan Kelley Sports.

A seagull pooped on my mom’s head at the beach. Thankfully she was wearing my old Hartford Whalers hat that i never wore because it was the wrong hat style. Still sucked having to throw away a Whalers hat at a CT Beach.

Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality
Beyond the gilded cage

Cast in this unlikely role,
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact.

Curtis Mead got injured before some not-as-clever-as-they-think social media person tried to get him to attempt pronunciations of Massachusetts towns in his Aussie accent.

We also monitor your Facebook, too, dummy.

I love the phrase “prospect hugging,” Every player in baseball was a prospect at some point in time. They were all hugged.

Curtain bangs are out. Cloud bangs are in.

That Romo bodycam footage was underwhelming – you’ll all probably pass ten drivers before noon tomorrow drunker than he was.

How can you not love a guy who spreads sawdust during the day, and hot takes at night?

Watch the Backlund cage match vs Snuka from MSG….listen to that crowd.

Red Line Update: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a switch problem at JFK/UMass. Trains may stand by at stations.

Honk if you remember “Captain” Lou Albano.

Fun fact: I’ve never had an Uncrustable. Not opposed, just hasn’t happened.

Will Mead be back before Roman?

Wilt Chamberlain played one season for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Belichick chooses friends like an aspy automaton.

Obviously not the main point of the news this week but Tony Romo pretty lucky at 46 to have his grandparents still alive.

No, I think we should debate Jordan and LeBron again.

Down undah, a limp wrist is an advantage kehd.

Ryan Whitney someday donating his brain to BU for study will have a nice symmetry to it.

Best bet for the weekend: loud and pointless ‘WR1’ arguments.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We are the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx.