Author Archives: scartsy15

08/10/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Richard. Vershaun. Seymour. Hall. Of. Fame.

‘If you didn’t know better, you’d think the Jets sent Bill Belichick north to destroy the Patriots from within. On a day when they could have had impact players David Terrell or Koren Robinson or the second-best tackle in the draft in Kenyatta Walker, they took Georgia defensive tackle Richard Seymour, who had 1 sack last season in the pass-happy SEC and is too tall to play tackle at 6-6 and too slow to play defensive end. This genius move was followed by trading out of a spot where they could have gotten the last decent receiver in Robert Ferguson and settled for tackle Matt Light, who will not help any time soon unless last year’s draftees Adrian Klemm and Greg Robinson-Randle are busts.’

Looks like Britney Griner has a new 10 year-zero rubles deal with Russia.

Pleased to see the Revs scoring goals once again.

It’s a good thing Chris Sale is getting 145 million dollars from the Red Sox because he should not ever buy a lottery ticket.

DMT is produced naturally in your body. You can do breathing exercises to have it released.

Bergy. Krejci. Back. Now let’s get Middleton and Park signed and win some games!

Cakes are cooking for Tugboat (Fred Ottman), Rosanna Arquette, Jon Farriss, Riddick Bowe, Michael Bivins, Sal Fasano, and Kylie Jenner.

Who in 2022 is shocked to discover Pete Rose is still a sociopath?

790 The Score? It’s back.

Hearing whispers Serena Williams plans to join Coach Scar in retirement.

Eck and his lunatic patois to go bridge at end of season.

Hightown needs more extraneous lesbian sex scenes. That advance the plot.

Orange Line Update: It’s going to be chaos.

Paige Bueckers. Not owning. Limping. Get well soon, see you next year.

That’s right. CABOT cheese. From Vermont.

Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing is still looking for its first Cup Series win this season.

Is PBU this season’s EDGE?

Celebrities. Buying soy sauce? They’re just like us!

Jerry’s son is a Marine. Kevin.

What the hell are the Pats doing at training camp!? Oh, right.

Good for you, Joe Murray.

Russian prison tattoos > Normal WNBA player tattoos

‘The first time I wacked off was to Olivia Newton-John’ is not the tribute you think it is. RIP.

Hey gang of Jeeples, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No one has a bigger sugar high than the Chatham bros today ..”

Even in 1897 they hated bicyclists.

Schmoopy is married to George Stephanopoulos???

Diana Taurasi to miss remainder of WNBA regular season with a quad strain. May not be the Mercury’s year.

There are so many hot Asians in Atlantic City.

News Item: Paul Brown Stadium is now Harvey Pekar Stadium. Apparently.

Madawaska > Ayahuasca

The Packers tried out a large group of specialists plus a group of running backs: Dexter Williams, Kallen Ballage, Jaylen Samuels, Stevie Scott and Calvin Turner.

When the moon hung soft and low,
Catchin’ stardust in the light
You held me closer and closer
There was magic in the night

A sweet love song, a melody
That I still can recall
Two young hearts filled with dreams
To walk away with it all

Whoa, whoa tender years
Won’t you wash away my tears
How I wish you were here

Andy Hart can’t even get on a rollercoaster, and I’m supposed to trust his football analysis?

Honk if you remember The Book of Lists.

Even after yesterday’s thunderstorm, my poor lawn is still crunchy.

How are things in Glocca Morra?

LA traffic police needs to add the Strike Team to their division.

Tell us more about your gag reflex, Lucy.

A medallion of dust from the Gillette Stadium lighthouse is the second-dumbest thing I’ve ever received in the mail.

Bike lanes. Just not worth the risk.

Cool Hand Luke thinks that’s too many eggs.

Fun fact: This is first time Braves are in Boston as defending WS champs since October 7, 1915.

We’re still doing the Jac Collinsworth thing?

The Chatham Anglers is the name of Cape League squad, not the bros.

Be more fooled by hardo Dan Campbell.

As we emerge from this heat wave it’s nice to be reminded throwing snowballs is one of the few timeless things there is.

Kirk is running off another coworker!? What an upset!

Marshawn Lynch. He had to get home.

Best bet for the weekend: Howie Carr is armed and ready for civil war with his fucking cane.

Someone go and put one of these up by BC to symbolize the Red Sox chances of earning that last Wild Card spot now.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, BSMW posters Hacksaw, Bedford Dad, Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s gonna take you over A new sensation, (a new sensation).

And a happy Birthday to Angie Harmon as well.

08/03/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Eric and Kacie, in KC.

Red Sox were both buyers AND sellers at the trade deadline. Like being an importer/exporter.

I wish I was smart enough to discern the commonality between Mopey Tom Brady illicitly negotiating to leave New England and Mopey Tom Brady illicitly negotiating to leave Tampa Bay. 

Vin Scully. I feel like a part of my grandparents childhood died along with him. RIP.

Welcome to Boston Eric Hosmer, and welcome back Kacie. They’re probably not going to celebrate at Table.

Pray to Creator/God
Smudge/Light Incense and Candles
Feed the Sacred Alter dedicated to the Ancestors and Loved ones
Set intentions
Sit still
Meditate and Free your Mind
Invite other aligned Souls
Live out life beautifully and Manifest 
Help as many families as you can

I bet Tuukka is excited to finally do the sex now that he’s married.

Tell the wife to keep her head on a swivel and your kid to have faster reflexes, Seth.

Hashtag more names.

How are we as a society not making Aaron Judge pee into a cup every game?

Cakes are cooking for Martha Stewart, John Landis, Tim Mayotte, James Hetfield, Óscar Pereiro, Tom Brady, and Ryan Lochte.

So long Vazqy. We’ll see you later, when the Sox re-acquire you next season.

If you aren’t making Vin Scully’s death about yourself are you even nominally “in sports”?

Orange Line Update: To accelerate #BuildingABetterT efforts & address critical @FTA_DOT directives, the Orange Line will be fully diverted from 9pm on August 19 – September 18. Shuttle buses & the @MBTA_CR will be available for alternate service downtown & across the line.

Hey gang. This week’s Phrase that Pays is “a fundamental lack of understanding”

ENGLAND WON THE EUROS AND MY CAT WHO’S BEEN MISSING FOR NINE MONTHS WHO WE ALL THOUGHT WAS DEAD JUST CAME BACK. SHE JUST SAUNTERED IN AND WENT TO HER FOOD BOWL LIKE NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. WHAT A WEEKEND FOR ICONIC LADIES BRINGING IT HOME

I’ll say it. I miss having Marv’s warm body to kick around.

There will be verification of said names.

My father, Bert Bell, invented the meaningless death.

Reply more to the same tweet. You can’t.

The first rule of being a ‘media personality’ should be that you have one. That Shukes guy has nothing to offer. Blank as a fart.

Mother in law owes you 80 bucks you never hear from her. You borrow her crock pot for 2 days? Hoo child.

It’s Red….. Auerbach. HOUR-BACK.

Don’t Google ‘docking’.

My content will be different moving forward.

Is Joe Biden addicted to COVID-19?

I think your baseball-reference is different than mine.

Low rider don’t use no gas now
Low rider don’t drive too fast

Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip and see
Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip with me.

I wonder if the cricket hiding and chirping behind the break room refrigerator knows the cricket hiding and chirping behind the water heater in my basement.

The Yankees this year are so good, a few people are even starting to compare them to the 2018 Red Sox.

ALERT: The City of Boston has declared a heat emergency beginning beginning tomorrow, August 4 through Sunday, August 7. Cooling centers will be open at 16 Boston Centers for Youth & Families community centers through Sunday from 9AM to 5PM

Hold on, ‘spaz’, is considered an ‘ableist slur’ in England? That’s just retarded.

Brady asked to be released in the summer of 2018, then actively colluded with a division opponent the following year. Bill managing that loon for 20 years is the greatest accomplishment in sports history.

Vin Scully called 21 no-hitters. The NBA equivalent would be calling 5 60-point games.

Honk if you remember Sihugo Green.

Tiger Woods reportedly turned down a 700-800 million dollar offer to join the new controversial LIV Golf tour. I say good for him. He can still make that and more in the United States.

Wait, Shula died?!!!

If you think about it, what Deshaun Watson did was also kind of an ‘equipment violation’. What?

Twitter must employ a disproportionate number of only children. Someone with older siblings would know the obvious difference between brotherly tough love and ‘targeted abuse.’

Quote tweet the same tweet more. You can’t.

Between Breer’s idiotic ‘the Patriots used Tom Brady’s draft position as leverage’ take, and Zawahiri getting killed in his Kabul Airbnb by a Hellfire missile with the Ginsu attachments, it’s been a bad week for Al’s.

I also wake up before 6 am to read stories about 94 year-olds.

I would have lost money had the Commonweath of Massachusetts allowed me to bet on whether the state legislature would allow legalized sports betting this session.

Best bet for the weekend: Birthday boy Tom loses another lineman to injury. Oh no!

Vin Scully. At Fenway Park. Both one-of-a-kind.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Love is in the water. Love is in the air. Show me where to look. Tell me, will love be there? Will love be there?

And a happy birthday to well-known Canadian actress Evangeline Lilly.

Special All-Bill Russell Edition Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Bill Russell…the only important statistic…is the final score…R.I.P. to a champion.

I hope for his dear wife Jeannine’s sake Bill Russell finished signing those last 250 basketballs while she selflessly & thoughtfully curated his Twitter account.

It’s like my pops used to say, “Bill Russell loved playing with white cooz on and off the court.” What?

Dale would call him William. Felton. Russell. Bill didn’t know who Dale was.

Bill, as the Celtics player-coach, was the first Black head coach in North American professional sports.

Given the choice between winning or going home, Bill Russell always chose Win.

Russ supposedly lived in Mercer Island, Washington and there’s a lot of performative mourning going on there.

The Celtics loss to the Warriors in the Finals stings even a little more now that it was Bill Russell’s last time watching his old team.

Many people, maybe the best people said the Russell draft-day trade from St. Louis for Macauley and Hagen was one of the most important trades in the history of North American sports.

Bill liked dogs and disliked the media.

If you’re using Bill Russell’s death as a vehicle to increase your social media presence/influence, well, you really shouldn’t do that.

Bill’s listed height during his playing career was 6’10”, not like that liar Larry Bird.

I wonder if the late Nichelle Nichols had a dubious story of Russ telling her to please stay on Star Trek like her oft-told MLK Jr. tale.

Climbing up on Bill’s deathbed to point at local sports fans and call them racist for also rooting for Tom Brady is a bad look, Renee, you ghoulish Globie.

Russ understood the rationale behind the NBA pretending Wilt once scored 100 points in a game.

Bob Ryan’s watch has stopped.

Bill Russell died peacefully. Jeannine gave him a blanket and a pillow. He was well-treated. He hoped to see his old teammates soon.

Kinda sad Bill didn’t live long enough to see Brittany Griner get set free.

The poor Sullivan Tire guy is heartbroken over Russ.

Everyone forgets this, but Bill Russell was also a civil rights icon.

Bill won two high school championships, an Olympic Gold medal, two national titles in college, 11 NBA Championship rings, and oddly enough, a NY Yankees pocket watch.

How was Bill Russell like Dexter Manley? Back in the day neither could get into Reading! Bwahahahaha!

Bill was arguable one of the Top Ten Best Celtics players ever.

Fun Fact: Russ hosted Saturday Night Live in 1979, the same year that Harry Shearer, Don Novello, and Paul Shaffer joined the cast.

Bill Russell could be prickly. And cackle-y. But he earned the right to be both.

Russ was friends with Kobe, but we won’t hold that error in judgement against him right now.

Bill Russell finally Lost a Game Seven. The opponent was Time. Kevin.

Best bet for the weekend: Shukri trying to climb inside the casket.

The little honkies; they loved Russ, too.

The standard Sports Junk Drawer disclaimer goes here. A normal(?) Sports Junk Drawer will be published mid-week, as usual.

07/27/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Wait, what?

Red Sox lost to Toronto by a Peter King football score prediction!

What happens first? LeBron James retires or Avengers: Secret Wars (scheduled for November 7, 2025)?

Looking at Big Papi’s Cooperstown plaque: Was his Arias removed along with his gallbladder after the shooting?

Mac. He’s gonna own. You’ll see.

Don’t be such a tulip, Jaylen.

Tim Kurkjian? Not really in the Baseball Hall of Fame. Sorrey!

Doesn’t seem like Tom Brady’s Buccaneers had to break the bank to sign Julio Jones.

Wear longer shorts.

Congrats to Evan Lazar for his four years working at a fake company. Must be nice. I wouldn’t know anything about that kind of thing.

Cakes are cooking for Peggy Fleming, Yahoo Serous, Bill Engvall, Ed Orgeron, Juliana Hatfield, Triple H, and Jill Arrigton.

Don’t forget, these guys are human.

A couple days ago my phone’s autocorrect changed something common into “Peabs.” Less than ideal, or perhaps #Owning.

Orange Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed. For reals.

Hey gangers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is” ” Supreme Jort Hobbyist.”

Yes, America’s Favorite Gameday Operations team plays ‘Sweet Caroline’ regardless of the score.

We’ve just learned about the passing of Jim Rebhorn in 2014. RIP.

In Victorian slang, MUFFIN-WALLOPERS were old women who would meet up to gossip over tea and cakes.

You borrow a man’s boat, you tank up to replace the fuel you used. What are we doing here?

Come and be with me
Live my twisted dream
Pro devoted pledge
Time for primal concrete sledge

The man of a thousand retirements
Will always be the one to tell you when to quit
I won’t take stock in a withered man
I’m reaching into you, I’ll make you understand

One of the worst parts of going through a breakup is having to go into your phone and delete all of the photos & videos of you and your former partner.

Tony Dow getting the Pat Burns/Tanya Roberts treatment. Sad.

If Fantasy Football is AIDS, then Madden Scores are Monkeypox.

Listen. Here’s the thing; if you can’t spot the Waingro in the first half hour you’re at the meet-up planning the heist, then you are the Waingro.

Honk if you remember the Choco Taco.

Who tracks their precipitation measurements to the hundredth of an inch? Psychopaths, that’s who.

Q:  What do Terry Pendleton, George Bell, Zoilo Versalles and Thurman Munson have in common? A.  None of them has anything remotely like Hall of Fame credentials.

Free Britney (forgot her last name)

Fun Fact: The Rolling Stones released their album ‘Voodoo Lounge’ 28 years ago on July 11, 1994!

Bill Belichick said more nice things about Raekwon McMillan today than he said about Tom Brady in 20 years.

My pet coelacanth Died, and it got stuck in the toilet, Kevin.

The Tampa Bay Heardahims, everybody!

Best bet for the weekend: Upton Bell remaining alive.

James Robert Rebhorn (September 1, 1948 – March 21, 2014)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Management reserves the right to include additional items to this column, if needed.

And a happy birthday to country gothic chanteuse Bobbie Gentry.

07/20/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Fun Fact: the bicycle behind Shiri is to scale.

Hot enough for ya?

Well that was certainly the most x All-Star Game out of the last y years. Magical.

The company needs to grow or it becomes stagnic.

Did Chris Sale get bitten by Matt Clement?

LeBron is the same guy who was pretending to read ‘The Hunger Games’. Has no credibility.

Poor luckless Rory.

The Derek Jeter thing on ESPN, is that sponsored by Valtrex?

Have more boats.

Cakes are cooking for Larry Craig, Carlos Santana, Sandra Oh, Omar Epps, Gisele Bundchen, Julianne Hough, and Ben Simmons.

Josina is going to have to carry even more water now. Or some other fluid.

I thought the FOX Sports graphic during the Sox/Yankees series claiming ‘Jet fuel can’t melt this rivalry1’ was in poor taste.

I’m definitely in my late 40’s because I go shopping at 6 AM to avoid crowds. I’m presently in my living room/office eating fruit, practicing a TV show pitch & watching golf…

Tafka? What is that, Hungarian?

I hope Kirk doesn’t have his usual post-live show ‘negative thoughts’ forcing him to ‘have to take a step back’, like happens every time, always.

Lucy’s video Friday said yesterday was a “Cutter Day”. So she limits herself to certain days? Good for her!

I have four Letters to Cleo: C-U-N-T.

Lou Merloni’s hair is dyed so black, a Kardashian tried to fuck it.

I know that I’m getting older because sometimes now I confuse Terry Pendleton and Garry Templeton.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “God Bless.”

SIDEBAR: I created the #MediasRojasPorVida hashtag on Instagram. ME. I did that shit.

Can’t believe Heath is gone.

It’s interesting the Red Sox have basically eliminated high school pitchers from their draft classes the last few years. Since Paul Toboni took over as Director of Amateur Scouting in 2020, the only one they have selected is Elmer Rodriguez-Cruz in the 4th round last year.

Bergy? Krejci? Hello?

Blue Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Someone should write a scholarly monograph on Reduced Sugar Intake Leading to Acute Humorlessness.

Chris Berman offered to buy my wife a beer and take her home at a Red Sox game once when I ran to the restroom. True story.

If Boston is racist, why does it tolerate Shukri?

You use a fire distinguisher to determine whether it is a type A, B, or C conflagration. Then you commence to extinguishing the flames, dummy. We mock what we don’t understand.

Honk if you remember Hale Irwin.

The Iron Sheik is 80 years old and tweets stuff like “EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT, JABRONI!” and we’re supposed to believe it’s really him?

Michelle Wu is such a cutie.

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

You say “black”, I say “white”
You say “bark”, I say “bite”
You say “shark”, I say “Hey man,
Jaws was never my scene
And I don’t like Star Wars…

Patriots rookie OL Chasen Hines (sixth round, LSU) and Andrew Stueber (seventh round, Michigan) have been placed on the active/non-football injury list. This means they aren’t yet ready to practice. They can come off at any time. They didn’t practice this spring either.

You have to figure Charles Leclerc finishes top 3 in the upcoming Grand Prix de France.

X Games! Hell yeah! #Grindah

Keep reflexively looking at the new cable box to see what time it is, despite that not being a feature!

Willis. Haviland. Carrier.

It breaks my heart everyday that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife ruined his life and career.

‘Thanasis Antetokounmpo’ is Greek-Nigerian for ‘Jeremy Giambi’.

Hey, Memba the 1999 All Star Game at Fenway? Memba that?

Now everyone has to be on their bestest behavior at the TD Garden else LeBron is proven right.

Best bet for the weekend: no hard questions for Big Papi David Ortiz.

Don’t be worried; this was not the Wilbur Show. At all.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah!

Today would have been Natalie Wood’s birthday as well, if not for that (cough) tragic boating accident. (cough)

07/14/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Welcome to Boston Coach Montgomery!

“Stidham to Harry” is still real to me, damnit.

It’s a good thing the Red Sox aren’t trying to win the AL East, seeing as they have so much trouble beating the other teams that play in that division.

Of course I’ve heard of Pavel Zacha! He got Emerson to the Beanpot semi-finals a few semesters back!

And speaking of Boston colleges and universities, that AOC is one spicy breakfast taco, as it were.

Media Mike From Route One has diversified into NFT’s!

Women that play soccer are typically cuties.

Cakes are cooking for Jane Lynch, Reina Olea, Tanya Donelly, Robin Ventura, Tim Hudson, Adam Johnson, and Connor McGregor.

Why isn’t Keith Smith at the Summer League games? Has he been sent to Fat Camp?

Someone didn’t read the standard disclaimer.

DB DeJuan Neal out of Shepherd University, who has traveled a windy road from the XFL to the USFL, has now agreed to terms with the Washington Commanders.

My lawn all scorched and turning brown during this #FakeDrought? Psychosomatic.

News Item: Missing cat Rowdy found safe after weeks roaming Logan Airport.

The Bible helps when your fiancée is catching pipe.

Red Sox fans should desist with the “Yankees suck” chant. So far in this series, the only suckage has been from the Red Sox. Act like you’ve been there before, people.

Jangly guitars!

Harry’s foot was inbounds.

Hey gang of high school reunion goers, this week’s Phrase that Pays, narrowly edging out, “hope you’re having fun jerking off to someone way less hotter than me.” is, “The message the world news to hear.”

Can we stfu about Rhea Seehorn now?

Red Line Update: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to an earlier sick passenger.

Way to compete, Kyrgios.

Is there only one restaurant owner in the North End?

I went to a bunch of summer league games when they were in Boston in the early 2000s.

Honk if you remember the WHAM-O Water Wiggle.

Bobby Dalbec should participate in the Home Run Derby. 

Does every dog have a look that means “You are not properly taking care of my needs, Mr. Human”? Whether it is potty, need water, feeding time, bedtime, I get the same look.

Herschel Walker’s multiple personalities all have CTE.

I thought you were going to call each other Maverick and Goose and I wanted to fucking puke!

So Bertie Breer was on with Rotillo, and Ryen started their conversation with “hey, looks like you’re on vacation in New Bedford, huh?” Children of privilege trying to out-douche each other for half an hour.

Just a young gun with a quick fuse
I was uptight, wanna let loose
I was dreaming of bigger things and
Wanna leave my own life behind
Not a “Yes sir”, not a follower
Fit the box, fit the mold
Have a seat in the foyer, take a number
I was lightning before the thunder,

You know that one Yankee fan friend of yours who isn’t an asshole? What? No? Exactly.

Never name your boy Kriss.

Keal will be back playing for NE someday. Just you wait.

Queen size beds are for the poors.

When do the “The NBA is so much more fun when the Knicks are good!” takes start? (It isn’t and they won’t be)

In Great Britain, they call The British Open just, ‘The Open.’

Update: NYCFC has been given another penalty kick opportunity versus the Revs.

Best bet for the weekend: Cannoli at Mike’s Pastry, a hidden gem in Boston’s North End.

Seems reasonable.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Spitting in a wishing well. Blown to hell, crash; on the last splash.

And happy birthday to Bebe Buell, great and good friend to musicians everywhere and mother of Liv Tyler.

07/07/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Best of luck to Americans Danielle Collins and Desirae Krawczyk in the Women’s Double Semifinals at Wimbledon.

THE15 wish THEIS the best in his new city.

Have shakier camerawork, guy recording Chris Sale’s WooSox dugout hallway tantrum.

Hate to see the Celtics lose Juwan Morgan. I was hoping to see him grow his game and wear the appropriate colors on the Celtics bench next season.

The Phoenix Mercury are NOT having a good season…

The15 has deleted a tweet about Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest. The video was deleted because it did not meet editorial standards.

I’m hearing whispers the only thing holding up a trade bringing Durant to Boston is Brooklyn’s insistence on including Smart with Jaylen Brown and not Derrick White.

Hey Elle Duncan, now do #DWIdad

Free Bethany Grimer.

Dan Pastorini had more physical talent than anyone.

Cakes are cooking for Ringo Starr, Jessica Hahn, Jim Gaffigan, Cree Summer, Joe Sakic, Lisa Leslie, Carl Breeze, and Michelle Kwan.

Hansel Robles. So designated for assignment right now.

The next move will be the big one.

Revs with 25 points, same as Cincinnati and Orlando.

S*x is huge in a relationship. Don’t let that passion go away.

Great opportunity for RE/MAX to run some ‘Baker Mayfield is moving’ commercials. Tough break, Progressive.

Pretend to like lacrosse more.

‘Sportatorium’ is a terrific portmanteau. Stick tap.

Wrigley Field: weed-covered outfield wall. Fenway Park: Visionary Linda’s Rooftop Gardens. Advantage: Boston.

Shukri Wrights is gonna Brandt/Leland himself into apparently having a job in Boston radio.

Green Line Update: C and D Branch eastbound service is continuing to terminate at Kenmore. Riders can transfer there to a B Branch train for service towards North Station.

If there’s one thing Tom Brady hates besides strawberries, it’s being in the media spotlight.

The worst teams often have the best Summer League squads…

I’m proud to live in a country where a hot dog eating contest can upset a vapid, insufferable sportswriter. Congratulations, Joey Chestnut! Go fuck yourself, Peter King!

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that pays is, “Would love to some offer sheets this year.”

Day after 4th of July poop is amazing. Leave me alone.

Jake DeBrusk has rescinded his trade request. However, our Old Friend Lefty’s request for his trade still stands.

2004 Patriots Front Seven > Patriot Front

With you I never wonder
Will you be there for me?
With you I never wonder
You’re the right one for me.

Straight people taking up valuable and limited seats in Ptown bars is not OK.

Honda will voluntarily recall approximately 737,000 model-year 2018-2020 Accord and Accord Hybrid vehicles along with 2019-2020 Insight vehicles in the United States to update software in the Body Control Module (BCM). Due to a programming flaw, a certain combination of driver actions and vehicle conditions may disrupt communication between the BCM and other components, causing illumination of several warning lights and malfunction of one or more electronic components including the rear view camera display, turn signals and windshield wipers, some potentially increasing the risk of a crash. This condition may also result in noncompliance with certain federal motor vehicle safety standards. Honda has received no reports of crashes or injuries related to this issue.

Honk if you remember Suddenly Salad.

BROGDON

Chris Curtis’ extra skin weighs more than post-Covid Lucille Burdge.

The Browns play at the Panthers in Week 1.

Late afternoon naps are absolute GOLD! Seriously I needed that nap so much and glad I was able to take one, feeling refreshed!

If you walk from Copley Square down to the Boston Common into Government Center you’ve essentially followed a Duck Boat Tour route…

Bill James; not from Topeka. At all.

Congratulations to true American Joey Chestnut. Not to be confused with Joey Chestshitter.

‘Who said Mac Jones?’ – Bills Mafia, 24/7

Best bet for the weekend: Wins versus New York teams by the Revolution and the Red Sox.

I hope you all had a safe and happy Independence Day. Cellphone fireworks pictures FTW!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBSMW posters Lefty and Coma, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. This one he got a princely racket. That’s what I said now.

I don’t have a prediction. But would you mind a comment? In a country where Lucy Burdge goes to bed hungry, competitive eating is disgusting.

From The15 Vault – More Little-Known Beantown (and Foxborough) Sports Facts!

(Originally published August 16, 2019 )

Pre-order your copy today!

Patriots QB/QT Tom Brady was drafted in the sixth round of the 2000 NFL Draft, with pick number 199!

Raymond Jean Borque originally wore sweater #7 for the Boston Bruins, switching to #77 when the team retired Phil Esposito’s #7!

Stephen Neal was a champion wrestler before he played football!

Red Sox Great Ted Williams was a Marine aviator, missing several MLB seasons due to military service in World War II and Korea!

For many years, women were not permitted to compete in the Boston Marathon!

The Patriots first AFC Championship won against Miami in January 1986, but the rallying cry ‘Squish the Fish’ is zoologically incorrect! Dolphins are not fish; rather, they are aquatic mammals!

The Boston Celtics parquet floor is made out of red oak, whereas the other NBA arenas all use rock maple flooring!

The Boston Bruins are an Original Six member of the National Hockey League!

Well-travelled NFL quarterback Ryan “Fitzmagic” Fitzpatrick attended Harvard University!

The Boston Celtics have won a NBA record 17 Championships!

Don Baylor was hit by 267 pitches during his MLB career!

Sportswriters Bob Ryan and Peter Gammons started working for The Boston Globe newspaper on the same day!

Patriots offensive tackle Sebastian Vollmer was born in Germany and speaks German fluently!

Red Sox third baseman Bill Mueller singled home pinch runner Dave Roberts in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS!

Five Patriots fans were electrocuted after carrying a goal post removed from Sullivan Stadium after a playoff-clinching win versus Cincinnati in 1985!

The Beanpot is a collegiate ice hockey tournament among Northeastern University, Harvard University, Boston College, and Boston University!

Red Sox Great Roger Clemens named all his children with names starting with the letter ‘K’!

Bruins player Glen Wesley overshot an empty net in a 1990 playoff game against the Montreal Canadiens Edmonton Oilers!

Former Boston Herald writer John Tomase has never actually apologized for his untrue assertion that New England filmed the Rams walkthrough practice!

The Boston Red Sox were the last MLB team to integrate, when the late Pumpsie Green was brought in as a pinch runner in July of 1959!

Harvard once beat Yale in football, by a score of 29-29!

Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick’s favorite sport is not football, but lacrosse!

Red Sox Great Carl Yastrzemski played his entire 23 year career in Boston!

Legendary Celtics coach Arnold “Red” Auerbach once punched the owner of the St. Louis Hawks on the face!

The New England Patriots once suffered through a 1-15 season!

The basketball hoop rims at the TD Garden are exactly ten feet off the ground!

Harvard and Northeastern have never met in The Beanpot Final!

Follow Mr. Darden at @StdSportswriter on Twitter.

06/29/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

This guy and the gloves. Amirite?

Congratulations to the Stanley Cup Champion hockey team.

Maybe the problem isn’t the unvaccinated Red Sox players, but Canada’s onerous vaccine requirements.

Kyrie with the Pee Wee Herman, “I meant to do that”, opts back in with Nets.

My viewing was delayed until tonight because of some really good family time, but #Unrivaled might be the best @E60 I’ve ever seen. Absolutely riveting TV.

I have no idea what these three-initial NBA contractual terms mean.

I like the strategy of charging the dugout instead of the mound. That’s where the order to dot you came from, right?

Cakes are cooking for Mel Brooks, Gary Busey, Dan Dierdorf, María Conchita Alonso, Rosa Mota, George Hincapie, Andy O’Brien, Martin Truex Jr, and Camila Mendes.

Turtleboy is jerking off all over YouTube and he’s crying about a drag queen fisting somebody.

Anybody wanna talk about The Irishman?

Highly regarded NBA assistants never leave for promotions. Everyone forgets that.

UMass’s Own Cale Makar is the first player in NHL history to win the Hobey Baker, Calder trophy, Norris trophy, Conn Smythe, Gord Flooberman Award, and the Stanley Cup.

Pretty much nothing is almost certain.

It’s crazy that stopping to get a coffee when you’re already running late makes you even later.

I like that Wimbledon has a dress code.

Rockport Line Train 107 (10:35 am from North Station) is operating 10-15 minutes behind schedule between West Gloucester and Rockport.

Once a year, the Red Sox should have a “Jerry Remy Day” on which their announcers are required to refer to Nick Pivetta as Nick Pivetter and John Schreiber as John Schreibah.

Google Hangouts is shutting down in November. Its successor is Google Chat, which is not the same as GChat, which was also known as Google Talk. None of those are the same as Spaces, which is the new name for Rooms. I am not making any of this up.

At least there’s pretty lights
And though there’s little variations
It nullifies the night
From overkill.

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day

Fun Fact: New Testament-era Rome had running water. A Harvard-educated baseball editor broad should know that.

Is Noank said with one syllable, or two?

Hey gang, of cannonade enthusiasts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “invincible in peace, invisible in war.”

David Quinn would be a very Don Sweeney hire for HC.

After a rough start, Revs now right in the meaty part of the MLS standings bell curve.

Sources: The Washington Commanders Football Team and star WR Terry McLaurin have agreed to terms on a 3-year deal worth $23.3M per year new money. Another WR cashes in.

Honda will voluntarily recall 27,838 model-year 2020 Accord Hybrid, 2020 CR-V Hybrid and 2020-2021 Insight vehicles in the United States to update software in the Hybrid Power Control Unit (PCU). Under certain circumstances, the portion of the PCU that controls charging of the 12 volt accessory battery may malfunction, sending the PCU into a “fail safe” mode, preventing battery charging and activating warning displays for the driver. Since a charged 12 volt battery is required for proper vehicle function, this condition may cause a vehicle to stall while driving, potentially increasing the risk of a crash. Honda has received no reports of crashes or injuries related to this issue.

Tomorrow at trivia night at the local 99’s, first prize is a signed Cam Newton Pats jersey. Second prize? TWO signed Cam Newton Pats jerseys! Heyoooo!!

I did not see the Philadelphia Stars upsetting the New Jersey Generals in the USFL playoffs.

Honk if you remember Cold Pizza.

I’d like to get another dog someday, one I could fraudulently fundraise on Twitter for.

The ESPY Nomination are out! The ESPY Nomination are out!!

The Ben Rhodes currently third in the NASCAR Camping World Truck Series standings probably isn’t the former Obama speechwriter. Probably.

Happy for Charissa Thompson.

Okay, fine; Tanner Houck let his teammates down. Now do Britney Griner.

The iPhone turns 15, it finally gained a measure of success once it allowed for HTML5.

That layer of sand on the top of your feet at the beach has an SPF rating of 0.

Corral your own shopping cart. We live in a society.

Isn’t there a NATO-eque mutual aid pact between the 98.5 Twitter superfans in case of attack?

Good job, good effort, Springfield Thunderbirds.

Best bet for the long holiday weekend: Joseph. Christian. Chestnut.

Any blancmange’s competing at this year’s Wimbledon?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill Jamesand the members of #the15 were used in this column. He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich.

Also I’d be remiss if I didn’t wish a Happy Birthday to Nicole Scherzinger. Pussy. Cat. Doll.

06/23/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Be more jazzed about the return of the red jerseys and the Pat Patriot helmet, NE fans. You can’t!

Mark it down. Jayson Tatum gets his flowers this time next year.

The Boston Red Sox, third place now in the AL East standings, always first place in your heart.

Cumulus Media said that “790 The Score” is coming back and will feature 24-7 sports programming. I hope they rehire Scott Cordischi who hasn’t been caught with a hooker in like 22 years.

The WNAB is a fantastic league with breathtaking basketball.

News Item: Jamie Erdahl to replace Kay Adams on GMFB. #CONSONANTS

You gotta be fucking huge to not fit in a roller coaster.

Look more British 2022 U.S. Open Winner Matt Fitzpatrick. Cor blimey, ‘e can’t!

Cakes are cooking for Glenn Danzig, LaSalle Thompson, Colin Montgomerie, Joss Whedon, Mike Bartrum, Selma Blair, Jason Mraz, Matt Light, and Melissa Rauch.

Trent Dilfer is one step closer to being able to dance on all the graves of the 2000 Ravens.

Dudes who have earnest conversations with each other without busting balls is clown-level creepy.

Jeter Downs? Bust.

MBTA: On Monday, an out-of-service new Orange Line train experienced a battery failure. With safety as our top priority, all new Orange & Red Line trains will remain out of service while the we determine the root cause & take any corrective actions. We appreciate our riders’ understanding.

Hey gang of Boston basketball enjoyers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “that’s hardo nonsense.”

In twenty-three U.S. states1, American Honda will voluntarily recall more than 112,060 Honda Ridgeline vehicles from the 2006-2014 model years to inspect and, as necessary, repair a portion of the rear frame for free. In salt-belt states where de-icing agents are used to maintain the roadway, the de-icing agents, along with mud and dirt, could accumulate along the rear frame where the fuel tank is mounted. Over time, the accumulated de-icing agents/mud/dirt mixture could cause the frame mounting surface, where the fuel tank mounting bands are attached, to corrode and possibly separate from the frame. If this occurs, an unsecured fuel tank can become damaged from undercarriage impact, which can possibly result in fuel leakage. No fuel leaks, fires, crashes or injuries have been reported in relation to this issue.

Nothing can turn around a bad day quite like watching the White Sox play the Astros.

How can there still be a coin shortage?

What are the odds that Tony Siragusa and Tony Siracusa would die on the same day? RIP to both.

Kool thing let me play it with your radio
Move me, turn me on, baby-o
I’ll be your slave
Give you a shave
I don’t wanna, I don’t think so.

I don’t wanna, I don’t think so.

I had a great ‘Did the Warriors ride to Encore Boston on flatbed trucks?’ dig all ready to go. :sadonion:

Beryllium-16 was just turning its half-life around.

Former Bengals’ DT Larry Ogunjobi has signed a one-year deal with the Pittsburgh Steelers, per source. Ogunjobi now will have played for the Browns, Bengals and Steelers, leaving the Ravens as the lone Ogunjobi-less AFC North team.

Lucy is getting better at reading the betting app copy and not crying two minutes before recording.

Honk if you remember Internet Explorer.

Anybody remember the last time a baseball game was cancelled in the third inning because of allergies?

Fun Fact: Jayson Tatum is younger than Rafael Devers!

A bloodhound won Westminster? Okay.

I have no idea when I last watched SportsCenter.

Ryan Blaney and the No. 12 Team Penske Ford Mustang are only 25 points behind in the NASCAR Cup Standings.

Uh, do we have any more refrigerator magnets, Sandy?

It’s almost as though the PIPLing is unverifiable.

Springfield Thunderbirds have their work cut out for them down 2-1 versus the Chicago Wolves in the Calder Cup Final.

Sometimes ‘the haters’ have a point. Just sayin’.

Um, Brig Owens was never a member of the Washington Commanders. So stop saying he was.

Best bet for the weekend: Sumner Tunnel closures.

Well, we won’t be needing these this week.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill JamesBSMW poster Laszlo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And if you wanna find hell with me I can show you what it’s like.

Question: Who do you suppose Lucy’s favorite Mets player is? The15 Writer’s Room: “Pukey Wilson! Jason Isringhausewrecker! Rey Whoredonez!  Kneel&Bob Ojeda! Ho Vaughn! Jacob deGroomed! Flat Mahomes! Lenny Dysmorphia! Doug Missleadingtitz! Jesse OroscHo! Willie Maysleepwithyouforajob! Nookie Wilson! Wrong Darling! S.A. Dickey!!

1. Affected U.S. states and districts: Connecticut, Delaware, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia, Washington D.C., and Wisconsin.

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