Author Archives: scartsy15

08/05/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Sox? Sox!

Jarren Duran hasn’t been this surprised since the gun didn’t go off. What?

New Englanders wait all winter for warm weather just for people to start acting like it’s October in August #lol

You should be publicly flogged for posting Madden ratings.

Imagine committing fraud for Daniel Theis.

Oh to buy a legit Red Sox shirt with my own last name on it.

I bet Romo got pulled over for having that haircut. That’s enough probable cause.

Sure it’s late here after a west coast game, but Rich Hill should have lower energy on the postgame show.

Few if any executives have had a more expansive impact on a sports organization’s business-side success over the past two decades than Tom Garfinkel.

Cakes are cooking for John McCartan, Jo Collins, Bernie Carbo, Eddie “Fingers” Ojeda, Maureen McCormick, Pat Smear, Otis Thorpe, Patrick Ewing, Mark Strong, Adam Yauch, Jeff Coffin, James Gunn, John Olerud, John Wasdin, Eric Hinske, Carl Crawford, LoLo Jones, Paula Creamer, Patrick Reed, and Anthony Edwards.

Why does everyone making “content” (Sideshow Bob groan) use that tiny little microphone you can only hold with two fingers?

The 8K Calorie Challenge, or as Tazzi’s wife calls it, breakfast. HeyOOOOO!

Is this even fun for Dodgers fans? Like yeah, you get all the best players and you’re going to win the World Series, but can that replicate the joy of watching Caleb Durbin lay down a perfect bunt, or Andruw Monasterio line a double to the gap?

Hey gang of gamers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Spent a long time on myrrh”.

Good thing I have plus-plus barrel control.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a signal problem near Harvard. Trains may stand by at stations.

Regarding Roman Anthony: Call me when he has more swings than swigs.

The Invite is a pants-pissingly hilarious movie and funniest of year so far. Seth Rogen and Olivia Wilde pull off hilarious Laurel & Hardy routine as miserable married couple hosting their horny, chill neighbors (Penelope Cruz and Ed Norton) for dinner and hilarity ensues. Wilde is the revelation here though, giving a comedic performance for the ages. Expect some noms.

Dondero really wants you guys to know he played baseball in college.

“I work seven days a week!” like she’s punching the clock at the Pontiac plant and not part-time at whatever the fuck Action Network HQ is.

Soon, Wally will be wearing a Ceddanne Rafaela mask.

My goal in life right now is to cut off the sound of the Toyota singing cowboy commercial before he gets to the second “big.” Most annoying commercial of the year.

Corruption? In Rhode Island? Seems farfetched.

I never had Sweetgreen in my life. It looks like one of those places that puts processed chicken in your salad and tells you you’re eating healthy.

The Patriots are at their best when they have a cannon-armed black QB who has no chance of actually playing.

The Skyhawks is a great name.

Wait, did Merloni do a Pedro imitation using an Asian voice?

Surprised they re-signed Pochettino when guys like Twellman have all the answers.

Tarik Skubal is still white.

Anyone needs me, I’m going to Cumbys to get some toad venom.

So Kyle Shanahan got hit in the face with airbags? Same thing happened to Coach Vrabes and Dianna!

Ohtani lost 45K betting that the Sox would throw at him. Sad.

No matter where I am, every time I see a traffic cone now, I smile thinking of the Scottish invasion of Boston during the World Cup.

I can’t stand it, I know you planned it
I’m gonna set it straight, this Watergate
Lord, I can’t stand rockin’ when I’m in this place
Because I feel disgrace because you’re all in my face
But make no mistakes and switch up my channel
I’m Buddy Rich when I fly off the handle
What could it be? It’s a mirage
You’re scheming on a thing, that’s sabotage.

Please don’t respond to me and tell me to “relax” or “calm down” I’ll block your ass so fast. The audacity of people on this app (men)

News Item: Boston College fired longtime MBB broadcasters because new coach Luke Murray didn’t want anyone tied to old staff. OK, but can he get Meterparel fired too?

The last 2 players to wear number 11 for the Red Sox were traded to the Giants.

My dad heard “Big Pussy died” and immediately called my wife to ask how I killed myself. Very hurtful. RIP.

Bye, Narv.

The 4th Earl of Sandwich didn’t become so degenerate a gambler that he wouldn’t leave the card table to eat supper just to have his name misstated.

Best bet for the weekend: Revs over Dynamo.

“Down by way of the G & T!”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Fearless Farinella, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Intergalactic.

And a joyeux anniversaire to French-American actress and author Stéphanie Szostak.

07/29/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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You wouldn’t ask a hard question to a coach holding a puppy, would you?

I would suggest that Portnoy not take retards with him to Celebrity Family Feud, but I honestly don’t know who the non-retarded Barstool employees are.

How do you have x-rays negative and a broken wrist?

I love a good Facebook page.

Dr. Blumberg is neglecting her wifely duties; keeping Robert’s pathological need to be in front of a camera in check.

If you get into an online argument about badminton, do they say “you don’t know cock”?

It’s over for Mr. Lombardi.

Lot of bad tattoos at the beach right now.

LeBron is not a Wolf.

Hi not being a jerk but please don’t use “kiddos.” Kids or campers works. Thx

Cakes are coking for Charles Schwab, Roz Kelly, Michelle Angelo, Neal Doughty, Leslie Easterbrook, Geddy Lee, Ken Burns, Patti Scialfa, Scott Steiner, Martina McBride, Mike Williams, Wil Wheaton, Wanyá Morris, Josh Radnor, Allison Mack, Ashley McBryde, Chad Billingsley, and Dak Prescott.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays (enough to be constantly on vacation) is, “Maybe the crew at Dave & Busters are still trying to fish out those skee balls.”

311 is very polarizing.

You get tired much earlier in the night after a fun day at the beach.

The WNBA is going to fuck up the free lunch after the one-car funeral procession for their league.

I don’t want to say I called the Mead injury right away but that’s exactly how it unfolded, like an old AAA map of New England in your glove compartment.

Imagine sharing a screen with Chris Curtis and being, by far, the uglier person.

Cumberland College thought Team Barstool got their asses kicked.

I like that Dan Kelley strays into slightly edgier content than Dan Kelley Sports.

A seagull pooped on my mom’s head at the beach. Thankfully she was wearing my old Hartford Whalers hat that i never wore because it was the wrong hat style. Still sucked having to throw away a Whalers hat at a CT Beach.

Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality
Beyond the gilded cage

Cast in this unlikely role,
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact.

Curtis Mead got injured before some not-as-clever-as-they-think social media person tried to get him to attempt pronunciations of Massachusetts towns in his Aussie accent.

We also monitor your Facebook, too, dummy.

I love the phrase “prospect hugging,” Every player in baseball was a prospect at some point in time. They were all hugged.

Curtain bangs are out. Cloud bangs are in.

That Romo bodycam footage was underwhelming – you’ll all probably pass ten drivers before noon tomorrow drunker than he was.

How can you not love a guy who spreads sawdust during the day, and hot takes at night?

Watch the Backlund cage match vs Snuka from MSG….listen to that crowd.

Red Line Update: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a switch problem at JFK/UMass. Trains may stand by at stations.

Honk if you remember “Captain” Lou Albano.

Fun fact: I’ve never had an Uncrustable. Not opposed, just hasn’t happened.

Will Mead be back before Roman?

Wilt Chamberlain played one season for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Belichick chooses friends like an aspy automaton.

Obviously not the main point of the news this week but Tony Romo pretty lucky at 46 to have his grandparents still alive.

No, I think we should debate Jordan and LeBron again.

Down undah, a limp wrist is an advantage kehd.

Ryan Whitney someday donating his brain to BU for study will have a nice symmetry to it.

Best bet for the weekend: loud and pointless ‘WR1’ arguments.

Zero. Point. Zero.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We are the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx.

Dutch tilt Bianca. Like a Batman TV show villainess. She can tie me up anytime. What?

07/22/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Sox. Streaking.

How ‘bout them friggin’ Sox?!?

Karen Read has more shots before breakfast than Argentina did. Even after extra time!

Jayson Tatum dressed for the ESPY’s like a Puerto Rican who operates a mall kiosk.

If soccer is the sport of the future, then how come the FIFA World Cup didn’t have Dippin Dots, the ice cream of the future as a sponsor?

Never saw the Reading IMAX this jam-packed or with a line this long. So goddamn fired-up. THE ODYSSEY

Guys a couple rows behind me after sitting for 3.5 hours: “Dude, I feel like I was in that horse!”

Was Jaylen Brown pissing off the Red Sox too?

It’s amazing how much calories you can burn easily walking here.
Like, walking in Boston brings great joy but man it’s good to forget about how many steps you take in the process.

Gifted means autistic. Not “gave something as a gift”.

It is pretty funny that of all the shit Jarren Duran has done, being mean to a fat neckbeard should rank like 15th but it has people up in arms.

There may be a correlation between the ESPN employees no one feels bad that they got fired and them being unrepentant dickheads. Developing…

Cakes are cooking for George Clinton, Sparky Lyle, Danny Glover, Paul Schrader, Albert Brooks, Don Henley, S. E. Hinton, Alan Menken, Willem Defoe, Keith Sweat, Emily Saliers, Joanna Going, David Spade, Don Van Natta, Jr., John Leguizamo, Will Calhoun, Patrick Labyorteaux, Shawn Michaels, Tim Brown, Pat Badger, Rhys Ifans, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Sweeney, Rufus Wainwright, Franka Potente, A. J. Cook, Ezekiel Elliott, Jonathan Owens, Field Cate, and Federico Valverde.

Hearing Lou Merloni so happy kinda sucks.

I will say, pretty rare to see a fat sack of shit grifting better than the broads. Have to give Babz credit.

Why is this Laura Rutledge’s problem?

That Wally head should start a podcast with Kendra, it’s had so many Red Sox players in over the weekend!

Barstool is just a jobs program for fat retards.

Of course, I meant to proclaim Gordie Howe, not Gordie Hall. Blame auto-correct.

Orange Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a signal problem at Community College.

Everyone at Odysseus’ house was basically like when Kramer was always posting up in Jerry’s apartment.

Karl Ravech is good, just not necessary.

Hey gang of unfinished products, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “His journey is inspiring and vague.”

Upton was using the Wonderlic Test before Tom Landry got credit for being the first team to use the Wonderlic, Kevin.

Is getting pantsed worse than getting stuffed in a locker? I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.

Gel Infused Memory Foam!

Luke Skywalker recovered faster from his hand injury than Roman Anthony has.

Permanent Daylight Saving Time? Well, at least Shiri Spear will be unaffected. She always has her headlights on.

Driveline is basically, “I’d simply just throw and swing harder” in a pay for access form.

Unstoppable Red Sox should play the winner of Spain/ Argentina next .. so Spain.

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I’m driving by your house
Though I know you’re not home

But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin’ in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone.

Manny walks into the ER with another cat in his ass and greeted like Norm walking into Cheers.

I always thought Under the Bridge by the RHCP’s was about Hartford.

Orsillo is a massive lush, like even bigger than Roman Anthony.

News Item: The I-290 bridge at the bottom of College Hill in Worcester has officially been named “Bob Cousy Pass.”

A: Dr. Teeth was in rehab and thus couldn’t be there.

Mintzy looks like a Galapagos island tortoise, but less majestic.

Honk if you remember Woodstock ’99.

The chances are quite high the in-sports employee of Real Salt Lake that committed the terrible sin of not naming JJ Watt’s wife Kealia Ohai Watt in a tweet was a broad.

These Slovenian refs have always protected Spain.

I used to make my mom rent the Morgan Magic VHS at the grocery store every couple of weeks. I sound like an 80-year-old fruit.

My friend once won tickets to an Ernie and the Automatics concert at a raffle. He didn’t go.

Did Claude Lemieux’s old lady get two minutes for instigating?

Royals RF Jac Caglianone has me thinking two sports media nepo hires were somehow combined.

As the saying goes, just when you think you have enough Swedish electricians in July, you don’t have enough.

Tommy, babe, knock it off. In wrestling years, you’re dead.

Shakira didn’t even have to be asked to participate in that halftime thingie. She just showed up.

best bet for the weekend: the annual Running of the Jorts at Gillette Stadium.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. All she wants to do is dance.

And happy birthday to singer & actress Selena Gomez.

World Cup 2030 Announcement

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

the15net.com Hires Warren Dull
as World Cup Correspondent

Boston, MA – 07/16/2026 – the15net.com, the independent Boston sports news collaborative dedicated to sharp analysis and cutting through the noise on local teams, is proud to announce the hiring of @Warren_Dull (Pierre Nightmare) as its new 2030 FIFA World Cup correspondent.

In this role, Warren Dull will provide on-the-ground insights, match coverage, tactical breakdowns, player profiles, and fan perspectives from the world’s biggest soccer tournament. His reporting will bring a fresh, no-holds-barred voice to the15net.com’s growing audience of passionate sports fans. “We’re excited to expand our coverage beyond the core Boston teams and into global soccer with someone who brings a unique edge and perspective,” said Steve Bosell, Managing Editor of The15Net dot com,. “Warren Dull ’s voice aligns perfectly with The15’s mission to deliver honest, entertaining, and hype-free sports content. World Cup season is heating up, and we can’t wait for fans to see what he delivers.”

Mr. Dull added: “I’m thrilled to join the team at 15net.com and bring World Cup coverage to Boston sports fans who appreciate straight talk and deep dives. Whether it’s the drama on the pitch or the stories behind the teams, I’ll be there in 2030 to cut through the noise—just like The15 does every day with the Pats, Sox, Celtics, Bruins, and Free Jacks. Hashtag LOL.” Coverage is expected to ramp up in the lead-up to and throughout the tournament, with articles, analysis, and updates appearing regularly on the15net.com.

— Steve Bosell

Managing Editor, The 15 Net

Steve Bosell has been Managing Editor of The 15 Net since fall 2012. He resides in Lynn, MA with his wife and three children.

About the15net.com
The15 are a news-gathering local collaborative of concerned citizens designed to combat hottakes, specifically as it pertains to Boston sports. Focused on the Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins, and beyond, 15net.com delivers thoughtful analysis, columns, and commentary from writers who live and breathe New England sports.


07/15/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Boston Stadium and its natural grass is gone.

America’s Hat is on fire. Disapprove.

I still haven’t heard Paul George say a single word. For that reason alone, the Celtics won the trade.

Maybe Fenway Park will get the All-Star Game again in 2099.

Bomani Jones still has a podcast? Good for him!

Got home to all the doors and windows open while it’s 86 out.

Sam Neill. OOTG’s. Gone too soon. Maybe they can clone him, from bits of his DNA?

Need Caleb Durbin to hit a grand slam at some point so I can use “Durbie fully loaded” for a headline.

I like to think there is a chestnut eating contest somewhere in the world and Joey Hot Dog is the champion.

Carrabis looks like how Japanese people draw Americans in hentai porn.

I hate that I have to share a world with people who find Pat McAfee entertaining and informative.

Cakes are coking for Linda Ronstadt, Artemis Pyle, Trevor Horn, Jesse Ventura, Jeff Carlisi, John Stallworth, Terry O’Quinn, Alicia Bridges, Joe Satriani, Kim Alexis, Willie Aames, Forest Whitaker, Lolita Davidovich, Brigitte Nielsen, Kirt Manwaring, Adam Savage, Carnell Lake, Scott Foley, Brian Austin Green, John Dolmayan, Diane Kruger, Gabriel Iglesias, Damian Lillardm and Masataka Yoshida.

Good for the Rockies. Finally nailing a draft.

Sorry Norway, but cables & catwalks rules apply to all Florida stadia.

No one celebrates entry level jobs like the sports industry. But congrats to Michael Hurley, I guess!

Punches landed in Vegas: Bam Adebayo: 1, Conor McGregor: 0

Worcester Line Train 533 (10:50 AM from South Station) is operating 10-20 minutes behind schedule between Boston Landing and Worcester due to necessary track work and a switch issue.

Le Braquet is bousted…..well not mine…..!!!!

‘You’re the co-pilot? Wow, you’re pretty enough to have been a stewardess!’ as a pick-up line may not get you cleared for landing, Iceman.

Try to imagine being upset about the 3rd summer league game.

Hair is only useful under age 30.

A fantasy football draft in early July is fucking insane.

Hey gang of right-swipers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Oh, you tryna get bumpy, my Nilla?’

Al’s Seafood in North Hampton kinda owns.

Do you ever lay in bed at night and think about just how good Rajon Rondo was.

Lindey Graham only died to fuck all the people on Kalshi who bet on McConnell being the next dead senator. RIP.

Adam here’s a non sports question or debate I would love a discussion of is what’s the worse kind of in law to deal with ..a gossiper? Or a complainer all the time?

Taylor Mathis looks like she’d have a hotter voice.

We’re doing “reach” in the baseball draft now?

Ain’t no change in the weather
Ain’t no changes in me
Well, there ain’t no change in the weather
Ain’t no changes in me
And I ain’t hiding from nobody
Nobody’s hiding from me
Oh, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

9.5 hours of sleep + 60 eggs hard boiled = gear for the 47 year old man.

Imagine not wanting to pump a baby into Laura Dern?

They should make the whole of extra time out of corner kicks only.

Tootle your signal device if you shop at a foodstore.

It doesn’t matter if you believe in the Red Sox. All that matters is that the Red Sox believe in the Red Sox.

Thrilled to find out ̶R̶e̶a̶d̶ Rear Admiral is a fellow fan of physical media. Back in the day RA was going to color the outside edge of the CDs with a green felt tip, but all he could find was one of those giant Marks-A-Lot pens and he ended up spending the afternoon huffing that.

You suppose Platner’s oyster farm is set up like a concentration camp?

The LPGA ladies are fun to watch if you’re a golf purist. Just insane ball striking. And a few of them rise to ‘sweaty tennis broad’ level.

And yet his profile pic is of a black man…

The Revs should have their own hall of fame.

Kendra looks like Thomas the Tank Engine, but with rosacea.

I wonder if Nick Wright was wearing a Lindsey Graham jersey the other night.

All the best sex apps names evoke VD symptoms.

In their inaugural season, the @VermontGreenFC women’s team is going to the national championship.

Oh man, Chris Simms put Brady 9th on his all-time QB list.

Imagine if Wemby played goalie.

Best bet for the weekend: a Red Sox second-half stumble out of the gate.

That big Viking fella, he gets America.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Call me the breeze.

And happy birthday to German actress/former model Diane Kruger.

07/08/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Wheeeeee!!!

2-0, the most dangerous lead in sports.

A lotta Celtics fans getting the big sads now that they’ve learned Jayson and Jaylen aren’t best fwiends.

Ronaldo is the only Portuguese guy I’ve ever seen with two eyebrows.

Getting screamed at in Arabic has to be frightening.

Look, that was a disappointing game, but the memories of the USA Soccer snapback I bought will last three, maybe four more days.

Keith Smith is underappreciated until you trade for Paul George and need some explanations.

Belgium has more planet players.

Cakes are coking for Janice Pennington, Jeffrey Tambor, Kim Darby, Raffi Cavoukian, Wolfgang Puck, Anjelica Houston, Jack Lambert, Kevin Bacon, Joan Osborne, Bob Ctvrtlik, Billy Crudup, Michael Weatherly, Beck, Staci Wilson, Wang Zhizhi, Sophia Bush, Jamie Cook, David Corenswet, Jaden Smith, and Maya Hawke.

The fattest most pungent smelling people are always the most opinionated.

I just can’t get out of my head that if only MLS had promotion and relegation Freese wouldn’t have fucked up that third goal.

Why didn’t Brad navigate the Celtics out of the worst CBA in sports in one fell swoop? Felgy coulda done it.

Pochettino looks like he wants to show me how clogged my car’s cabin air filter is.

I don’t know why I think it’s funny that Vrabel took his wife to Taylor Swift’s wedding, but I do.

Airport meals are a killer.

Green Line D Branch: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a disabled train near Brookline Village. Trains may stand by at stations.

Ironhead has broken containment.

So California Bill has his endoscopy? Let me guess: no polyps, but lots of solipsism.

Hey gang of hyperboleists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “There was the Babe Ruth trade out of Boston and then this is probably next.”

Is Carli Lloyd pregnant or is this a Christina Erne situation?

Bring back the Shaw’s Pro Summer League.

A Roger Goodell flunkie is furiously taking notes on the FIFA appeals process.

As my grandpappy used to say, the poor always find time to fuck and paint mini furniture.

Wait, Jaylen Brown and A.J. Brown are cousins?

If I was playing against Messi I would make sure we talked about how someone should mark him.

Buying off deadbeats and grifters with a lifetime meet and greet fast pass is the easiest move Rubin ever made.

Who do you think you’re calling a ‘deranged little clique?’

I somehow don’t believe Thierry Henry actually cares about growing the game in the United States.

@fartpants86 I just reported you to twitter ..

What question did Dondero ask at the presser? Oh, right. Right right right.

Pick yourself up off the side of the road
With your elevator bones and your whip-flash tones
Members only hypnotizers
Move through the room like ambulance drivers

Shine your shoes with your microphone blues
Hirsutes with your parachute fruits
Passing the dutchie from coast to coast
Like my man Gary Wilson (I rock the most)

Where it’s at
I got two turntables and a microphone.
Where it’s at
I got two turntables and a microphone.

I guess we can talk about that paint on Jaylen’s head now.

If you’re going to invent your own hall of fame might as well make the path to induction arbitrary and capricious.

Brad twice basically saying “what the fuck are you talking about?” to Shaughnessy was pretty great.

Nothing good begins “divorce response”.

Imagine how good Pulisic will be in 2030 when he’s healthy!

Honk if you remember the MetLife blimp.

The Nantucket police got any, you know, promising, uh, leads on the missing Breer bikes?

Quite frankly, this whole FIFA ordeal reeks of private equity.

Oh, you’re looking to grow the game? Good luck. We’re putting the ugliest American we got on this story: Ben Volin.

Payton Tolle is the first Red Sox pitcher since Dennis Eckersley (1978) to make at least 4 starts of 6.0+ innings and 0 ER in a single season prior to turning 24.

What do people expect Brad to do, sit there and say “Yeah, we don’t think Jaylen is that good”? For years, we heard sports radio wetbrains saying that Brown and Tatum couldn’t play together. Now that Brad finally agrees, he’s the bad guy?

It’s amazing how Bill Simmons always has an object lesson from his own life to poorly analogize with a current sports situation.

Gonna have to bill my idiot New Hampshire relatives 35 cents for the returnable cans and bottles the threw into the regular trash on the 4th of July.

Best bet for the weekend: ships that are tall.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, PatriotsDaily, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

Now you’re back to Now u’re back to Brown. Please continue speaking so I don’t have to remind everybody how dumb you are.Brown.N you’re back to Brown. Please continue speakin you’re back to Brown. Please continue speakNow you’re back to Brown. Please continue speaki

07/01/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Take it easy. No need for fisticuffs.

Is anyone in here actually turning off their radios??

Contreras is a compelling character – fiery hotheaded Latin with a grudge against shifting tectonic plates. His partner is his polar opposite – Yoshida is icy cool and inscrutable. The tsunamis and violent earth movements are but a falling cherry blossom in the stream of this life.

Fun fact: The attempts in a World Cup shootout are not “penalty kicks” because they don’t penalize anything — they just use that procedure. They’re “kicks from the penalty mark.” (See law 10.3.)

Jaylen Brown is clearly not the 7th best player on his team by any reasonable metric, but using analytics to troll him into a meltdown? Very funny.

Weathermen saying it’s going to be hot this week but I’m staying woke.

They should play “Sweet Caroline” at the second half hydration break to make sportswriters around the world get unnecessarily angry.

I love how in 2026 there are people who still look to Ordway for info on how the NBA works.

Is “brash” a synonym for “brainless moron”? #lol

There’s no truth to the rumor that Early strained his elbow trying to pick up Roman Anthony’s bar tab.

However this LeBron James situation plays out, it’s going to be fascinating. Could be a lot of CBA/trade/cap stuff at play here. Should be fun to put together!

Cakes are coking for Sam Rutigliano, Jamie Farr, Twyla Tharpe, Doug Carpenter, Geneviève Bujold, Debbie Harry, Mama Scartelli, Fred Schneider, Dan Aykroyd, Steve Shutt, Mike Haynes, Alan Ruck, Brian Sabean, Lorna Patterson, Grant Daulton, Hannu Kamppuri, Nancy Lieberman, Evelyn “Champagne” King, Carl Lewis, Roddy Bottum, Carl Fogarty, Patrick McEnroe, Pamela Anderson, Julianne Nicholson, Missy Elliott, Jarome Iginla, Liv Tyler, Nelson Cruz, Charlie Blackmon, Michael Wacha, and Tate McRae.

Do we like the J.J. Peterka deal? Let us know in the comments.

Hey gang of snack food addicts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Hey fat Grimace, get your dick out of the zebra cakes.”

Dianna Russini was making 800K a year? She brought home the bacon and the hog.

Sucks when you’re already uncomfortable on camera as it is and someone makes a dick comment on your appearance. And I’ve even been working on it lately because I don’t want to die of liver failure at 42. But hey internet a-holes don’t care. Oh well.

Carrabis spends more time driving by Cora’s house than working on his legs.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

You can never have toumani camaras.

How are the midgets in Nova Scotia? I feel they’re probably more midgety with the exchange rate.

Head Dummy gonna Head Dummy.

Can’t tap your helmet? Can’t throw your helmet at people? This sport has gotten soft!

Has anybody thought how much this elevates Trick’s wins over Sami? You can slide him into the main event anytime now with clear logic. Give a guy his flowers and help establish another talent. Good business.

Jaylen will go full Kyrie if someone says he’s the seventh smartest player on the team.

In honor of Italian-American Night, all the women will be absolutely smoking hot for the first five innings, and then they’ll turn into their fat mothers for the last four.

It’s so nice not to be followed around by cops anymore.

Nick Cattles doing a million trade proposals after being aggregated once is a tremendous look into his vapid empty head.

Maybe don’t open mouth kiss all the other gym dudes?

I don’t like certain elements of Socialism but I do know that Mayor Zoran Mandani Is already a national figure .

The rivalry lasts 9 innings. Being decent people lasts a lot longer.

Mbappe is probably going to with that SuperToe Award.

Massachusetts hasn’t had this bad a week for Hooters since back when Linda H. had her implants removed.

John Zannis is unequivocally the biggest retard in Celtics media and that says so much because he’s talking next to Bobby Manning.

Side loading is how Asians get pregnant.

People used to call sports radio wanting to make Clemens and Pedro closers. Let’s just take Cy Young winners pitching 200 plus innings a season and have them throw 60 innings instead. Dear departed EGA was a big proponent of converting Clemens to a closer. It all goes back to Dave Righetti. Anyone who throws a lot of strike outs should automatically become the closer, kid!

My favorite part of free agency so far was windy dropping “What if Jaylen Brown goes to the Cavs and LeBron James joins him there?” as the ESPN show went to commercial. The way he dropped that and strutted back to the desk like a boss was amazing.

I love seeing fat guys respect each other.

An MLB work stoppage might give Roman Anthony enough time to get healthy.

Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone
Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone

It’s good to hear your voice, you know it’s been so long
If I don’t get your calls then everything goes wrong
I want to tell you something you’ve known all along

Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone.

Freddy was the spiritual grandson of Max von Sydow’s ‘Good Nazi’ character in Victory. I hope you nabobs of negativity are proud of yourselves.

Why do you need to understand a community to make a Red Sox hat?

Don’t invite Jaylen to a conciliatory dinner at Toscano’s, send him to Table by himself and tell him to fuck off.

Honk if you remember Milly Alcock..

Can’t wait to see if Willson Contreras gets ejected for the 3rd straight game today.

New music on the radio is in desperate need of more saxophone.

Ivan Ivan? Really?

I guess ‘Annoying Pizza-Loving Midget Jew’ was deemed too clunky a title for Portnoy’s book.

Don’t forget to thank an armed service member this weekend.

Red Sox are in last place at the end of June with the worst record they’ve had in decades, and it’s still a Baseball Town.

Germany lost to a line on the map?

Best bet for the weekend: everyone comes back from the 4th with the same number of fingers they started with. Happy 250th, United States of America.

Bianca is ready for summer. Are you?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Matt Vautour, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The tide is high but I’m holding on.

And happy Birthday to French actress Léa Seydoux.

06/24/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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(Involuntary shudder)

Is Thanasis still available?

For an alleged good athlete Jarren Duran’s the worst outfielder I’ve ever seen.

Was Superfoot at the Eddie Andelman memorial service?

Fox can’t handle a rain delay, meanwhile my good friends at Telemundo have the hot studio señorita chatting it up. Bueno.

Jaylen, Hugo, Scheierman and 3 1sts? What else did they want? The Jordan Marsh blueberry muffin recipe? Reggie Lewis’ headstone?

That US goal-scorer, Alex Freeman, is the son of former Packers WR Antonio Freeman.

I’m not sure why everyone is looking over the option that maybe Milwaukee just doesn’t think Brown is that good and not worth how fucking annoying he’d be after a trade like that.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I think the Red Sox should have tried a bit harder to keep Kyle Schwarber.

If the Scots can get Massachusetts to re-legalize happy hour I’m buying a kilt.

Fun Fact: the 2026 NBA #1 Draft Pick AJ Dybantsa is from Brockton.

Cakes are cooking for Lowell Cross, Vittorio Storaro, Arthur Brown, Michele Lee, Colin Blunstone, Mick Fleetwood, Peter Weller, Patrick Moraz, Nancy Allen, Joe Penny, Juli Inkster, Bernie Nicholls, Curt Smith, Gary Suter, Uwe Krupp, Jeff Cease, Sherry Stringfield, Richard Kruspe, Karen Stupples, Mindy Kaling, Minka Kelly, Laura Donnelly, JJ Redick, Candice Patton, Phil Hughes, Solange Knowles, Lionel Messi, Erin Moriarty, 

Tyler Herro was the epitome of Heat Culture. Played hard, showed nothing but loyalty to the team. Very sad to see Miami do him dirty like this.

Are we sure that Haaland isn’t the descendant of a Targaryen?

Hey gang of obsessive ‘scapers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Green leaves always burn the best.”

Cameron has a chance to be the best Boozer in the NBA since Vin Baker.

I know nobody cares, but there has to be another piece in that Sabres-Blackhawks deal. Someone in Chicago should be fired.

Buying Springsteen on vinyl unlocks a secret old white dude handshake I think.

Red Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at JFK/UMass. Trains may stand by at stations.

I’m still annoyed about Brendan Fraser’s performance in Pressure.

If you’re eating Spaghetti-O’s in your car, your life may not be going that well to begin with.

Does Brad have to trash a hotel room now?

I don’t get the Czechia thing. We don’t call Japan Nippon.

Could you imagine if Woj came out of retirement and broke the Giannis news?

The USMNT, are they getting too much rest, Tone?

Talking to a couple bar friends. Tonight was a record-breaker for both joints. #TartanArmy

I can’t help about the shape I’m in
I can’t sing, I ain’t pretty and my legs are thin
But don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to
Oh well

Now, when I talked to God I knew he’d understand
He said, “Stick by my side and I’ll be your guiding hand
But don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to
Oh well

The Heat lucked into LeBron conspiring with Wade and Bosh and have basically assumed every star player should go there for free ever since. Then Butler backed up that belief. They got him for Josh fucking Richardson and the deplorable Hassan Whiteside. And I think they tamper their asses off, too.

For a lightskin black guy Jayson Tatum has the most Italian torso I’ve ever seen.

Maybe Comcast shouldn’t have laid off all those employees in NH?

I need a hydration break.

Eddie’s memorial service must have been well attended, what with all the former co-workers that wanted to make sure he was dead.

If Jimmy Haslem is involved in a sports transaction, I’m confident the other side comes out on top.

I like Norway’s jerseys.

Honk if you remember “Morgan Magic.”

Carli Lloyd is kinda Russini-ish. Is she hot or not? Maybe?

RIP, Duke of Dorchester Pete Doherty.

If you took away every player who actually won a title, Jimmy Butler is the greatest winner in NBA history.

Haiti needs a busier flag. And pretty much that’s all.

Quick WNBA tangent: the usual suspects rushed to Twitter Sunday night, upset that Lynx coach Cheryl Reeve said she wished they could have won that night’s game “for the gays” (it was Pride Night). Yeah Cheryl, stop making the WNBA so gay!

I can’t imagine calling an adult male ‘Scooter’.

Hockey Hall of Fame came calling for Patrice Bergeron. Justly so.

Oh no; now Jaylen’s gonna be moody.

Imagine how good Messi would be if he played in a real league.

Best bet for the weekend: that team is Ghana do it!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, PatriotsDaily, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Bare trees, grey light.

And happy birthday to Czech fashion model, tv host and philanthropist Petra Němcová.

The15 Writers’ Room- “Arrayify tituli librorum, khid!”

Harry Potter and the Podcaster’s Stoned

Harry Potter and the Secrets of the Medicine Cabinet

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alprazolam

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fireball

Harry Potter and the Order of the Percocet

Harry Potter and the Half-Drunk Mick

Harry Potter and the Deathly Jumpshot

World Cup Primer – Part 5

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As a public service, over the past few days this site has been providing some information about the nations and teams competing in this year’s FIFA World Cup. We now come to the final installment. We hope you find it useful.

Group K

Colombia

The national team has been a symbol of nationalism, pride and passion for many Colombians worldwide. Colombia is known for having a passionate fan base, and the team’s dances during goal celebrations are also well-known. In a 1962 match vs the Soviet Union midfielder Marcos Coll scored the only direct corner goal in FIFA World Cup history. Colombia is also known for producing stimulants, record clubs and passion.

HC: Néstor Lorenzo

Captain: James Rodriguez

Nicknames: La Tricolor (The Tricolour) La Sele (The Sele) Los Cafeteros (The Lunchladies)

Team Motto: “No, no he conocido a Juan Valdez” (No, I have not met Juan Valdez)

DR Congo (AKA Democratic Republic of the Congo)

DR Congo returns to the FIFA World Cup after a 52-year absence and a name change. They beat Jamaica 1-0 after extra time in the Inter-Confederation Play-offs to make it to the 2026 World Cup. This came after they finished second by two points to Senegal in Group B of CAF Qualification and sensationally beating Cameroon and Nigeria in the CAF Second Round.

HC: Sébastien Desabre (The Florist)

Captain: Chancel Mbemba

Nicknames: Léopards (Leopards) Guerriers de l’Équateur (Warriors of the Equator) La Céleste (The Skyblue)

Superfan who dresses like slain PM Patrice Lumumba and stands statue-still all game: Yes

DR Congo is also the name of a generic Mr. Pibb sold in Arkansas and Missouri.

Portugal

Since 2000s, Portugal started an uninterrupted streak of qualification for every European Championship and World Cup finals, including a runners-up finish at Euro 2004 on home soil. They experienced much of their success in the late 2010s to mid 2020s, during the captaincy of Ballon d’Or* winner Cristiano Ronaldo, where they won their first-ever major trophy Euro 2016.

HC: Roberto Martinez

Captain: Cristiano Ronaldo

Nicknames: Seleção das Quinas (Team of the Quincunxes) Lusos (Lusitanians) Espanhóis anfíbios (Amphibious Spaniards)

Fun Fact: They speak Brazilian in Portugal.

(*Literally: ‘Bobby Orr’s Balloon’)

Uzbekistan

Uzbekistan qualified for the FIFA World Cup for the first time, becoming the first Central Asian country and the third post-Soviet state after Russia and Ukraine to qualify for the finals. Their playing style is boisterous yet structured, with an oaky finish.

HC: Fabio Cannavaro

Captain: Eldor Shomurodov

Nicknames: White Wolves, Turanians

Favorite post 2000 American Cable TV Drama Program: “The Shield”

Group L

England

The England men’s national football team is the joint-oldest in the world; it was formed at the same time as Scotland’s. England hosted and won the 1966 World Cup. They were the first European nation to secure qualification for the 2026 FIFA World Cup after winning all six of their qualification matches. This iteration of Team England contains a blend of experienced tournament veterans and emerging talent.

HC: Thomas Tuchel (A German in charge of something English? Strange!)

Captain: Harry Kane

Nicknames: The Three Lions, The Lovely Lads

Ghana

The Ghana national football team is one of Africa’s most successful teams with a rich history in continental and international football. In the 2010 FIFA World Cup Ghana played the United States, winning 2–1 in extra time to become only the third African nation to reach the World Cup quarter-finals, before losing to Uruguay in a penalty shootout.

HC: Carlos Queiroz

Captain: Jordan Ayew

Nicknames: Black Stars

Team Rallying Cry: “We’re Ghana Win This Football Match!” [citation needed]

Grapes in chicken salad: No

Panama

While soccer has historically been less popular than baseball or basketball in Panama, the national team’s achievements have increasingly boosted interest in the sport. A three-time runner-up in the CONCACAF Gold Cup, Panama has qualified for the FIFA World Cup twice, in 2018 they scored their first goal against England. The Panama national football team has established itself as a competitive side in Central America, growing in prominence through World Cup appearances and strong performances in regional competitions, and continues to develop as a representative of Panamanian football on the global stage.

HC: Thomas Christiansen

Captain: Yoel Bárcenas

Nicknames: Los Canaleros (The Canal Men) La Marea Roja (The Red Tide) Hombres fuertes (Strongmen)

Favorite Van Halen song: Ice Cream Man

Croatia

Upon its admission into FIFA in 1994 ranked 125th, they ascended to third place with their debut 1998 World Cup campaign. This marked the fastest, most volatile ascension in FIFA ranking history, making them the youngest team to ever reach a Top 10 place in the World Rankings Croatia is the second-smallest country by population (after Uruguay) and land mass (after the Netherlands) to reach a World Cup Final At the World Cup, Croatia holds records for most penalty shoot-out played (4) and won (4) and most penalties saved in a shoot-out (3), among other team records. This is where the saying, ‘Croatians love a shootout’ probably originates.

HC: Zlatko Dalić

Captain: Luka Modrić

Nicknames: Vatreni (Blazers) Kockasti (Checkered Ones)

Team Motto: “dama, ne šah” (Checkers, not chess)

Here are some past Word Cup Mascots to haunt your dreams.

06/17/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Those cheeky Glaswegians.

Eddie Andelman lived to 89 years old on a hot dog and Kowloon diet. Sometimes I’m wondering if this whole fruit and vegetables thing is a ruse.

Is there a Tartan Army? I hadn’t heard.

My sources are saying the primary holdup on the Giannis deal is finding a House of Pizza on the North Shore for his brothers to work at.

Rob Lowe doesn’t have a “FIFA” hat?

Jerry Remy would pronounce it, ‘feefer.’ “You seen any of these Feefer World Cup matches Don?” ‘I have; lot of excitement about them. Will you be watching any of the games?’ “No.”

Tired: “There’s no cheering in the press box!” Wired: “I’m gonna bet $5 on the home team and call the Vegas goalie a rapist.”

The Patriots should keep Erling Haaland in Foxboro and convert him to wide receiver.

Holding a public event in Boston for Bourque and the Cup was such a Loserville mentality thing to do. Same goes for retiring Bruce Armstrong’s number.

The Red Sox envision a big role for Romy Gonzalez.

Cakes are cooking for Peter Lupus, Judy Kimball, Bobby Bell, Chuck Rainey, Barry Manilow, Dave Concepción, Joe Piscopo, Mark Linn-Baker, Bobby Farrelly, Thomas Haden Church, Greg Kinnear, Dan Jansen, Dermontti Dawson, Jason Patric, Ron “Popeye” Jones, Rikrok, Venus Williams, Jodie Whittaker, Kendrick Lamar, and Monica Barbaro.

This Bruins fan is rooting for Bussi and grateful he got this chance to shine!

The ‘no bad ideas’ brainstorming session that led to ‘the cigars were fake’ explanation up in Ipswich must have been hilarious.

We almost had a repeat of the opening game of the 1930 World Cup! That was cool. Eat a dick, Paraguay!

Baseball writers age worse than wrestlers and rappers.

News Item: Jaylen Brown applies for Kai Cenat’s Streamer University. Huh?

Double consonants are always tricky in Wordle.

The only people who think Maradona is better than Messi are boomers and drug addicts.

It’s good to have goals.

Hey gang of Counsels General, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “They all go to work in the same big gray van, like Kowloon employees.”

Kraft suing the town of Foxborough is a fitting tribute to the Rabbi of litigation Eddie Andelman.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

How is Roman supposed to rehab if there’s an ignition interlock device on the door to the batting cages? Allegedly.

If you don’t remember the Alamo, you will certainly remember that fold by the Spurs. Holy ….

It’s okay to admit we’re in a drought, caller!

I love the idea of walking into a bar and asking the bartender for a “fresh pair of Timbs.”

Keeping bars open extra late for the World Cup is nice and all but how about doing it for the grocery stores too I need to get my shopping done.

OFFICE ROMANCE is a funny, witty rom-com with J-Lo and screenwriter Brett Goldstein (Roy Kent from Ted Lasso). Great chemistry in ‘stuffy Brit works for sexy Girl Boss’ set-up. Betty Gilpin is terrific per usual. Hilarious Public Enemy joke just before a funny, KNOCKED UP-inspired scene.

NBA money is crazy. The only thing better than NBA money is daycare money.

The Giants are open to trade offers for Rafael Devers, Willy Adames, Matt Chapman and other players.

Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave without taking
But I sent you away, oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh, Mandy.

Getting nervous about the Australia game Friday because we don’t have promotion and relegation.

Aldon Smith was definitely not turning his life around. RIP.

When do our Scotland visitors discover Kowloon?

Matignon would light up on the bench when they clinched the State Championship in Hockey. Better Times.

Greenie looks like the guy in the Men’s Wearhouse commercials.

It can’t be overstated just how much life the Scots have injected into Boston the last few days. The city hasn’t been buzzing like this since pre-Covid. Love to see it.

Smart move by ESPN to have Ernie doing the post game celebration.

A lot of the women in sports seem to think the VGK goalie fella chose trial by combat and now that his team lost he’s definitely a rapist.

Outdoor watch parties? It might be my general distaste for almost everyone but why the fuck does everyone want to deal with every inconvenience of going to the game without the literal one thing that makes it worth it? Hell yeah, let me stand on the pavement in 90-degree weather surrounded by slovenly, sweaty drunks.

Honk if you remember Larissa Riquelme.

Congrats to Scuz, “Fat Tits,” and all the other huge Knicks fans at Barstool.

The neighbors rice always smells better.

Donovan hid in MLS. At least Dempsey played against real players in the Prem and not plumbers on Real Salt Lake.

You can get the flavor of something without swallowing it. A nonissue. Next.

I got Wordle in 3 today and I didn’t even have to start with a slur.

Best bet for the weekend: it’s anyone’s game in the Germany/Ivory Coast match.

Yeesh.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column

Happy birthday as well to tennis player Elena Rybakina.

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