Author Archives: scartsy15

01/19/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Ducklings love Willie O’Ree. And they’re not even Canada Geese!

Thanks a lot, Patriots defense for ruining Mac’s shot to become the first rookie to win a Soupey.

The Red Sox will start selling single-game tickets Friday despite the ongoing MLB lockout threatening the beginning of the regular season.

Willie. Eldon. O’Ree.

In the market for an XL Carmelo Anthony Syracuse jersey if anyone can help. I had one lined up but it got sold.

If they don’t like Bill’s peaches they should stop shaking his coaching tree.

Celtics trade for Bol Bol and PJ Dozier, sending Juancho Hernangomez in a salary dump/luxury tax avoision relocation to San Antonio. Bol Bol?

DJ Bean is afraid to debate @FromPeabody, fact not opinion.

I guess BHS’s Coach Fonzi lost his cool? Sorry. I’ll see myself out.

Cakes are cooking for Dolly Parton, Katey Sagal, Chris Sabo, Luc Longley, Frank Caliendo, and Annie Miller.

Did Roethlisberger get more of a Dan Marino sendoff, or a Joe Montana sendoff?

The best jokes always have the longest explanations.

The question isn’t ‘does Darren Rovell collect murderabilia?’ The question is whether he has a disturbingly large collection of it.

Missed this yesterday, but an absolute gem from Andy Reid when asked if winning a Super Bowl makes him hungrier to win another. “Well if you like chocolate cake and you eat a piece, then you have one dangling in front of your face, you’re probably gonna want to eat that too.”

Cornish game hen prices? Oddly inflation resistant!

It doesn’t bother me when casual fans who happen to watch MCU films have no idea who the Eternals are or the significance of the Celestials to the Marvel Universe or who Dane Whitman is or about the curse of the Ebony Blade even though I’ve been reading about them since 1978…

So there’s an Angry Bruins Reactions Guy, apparently? The things you learn.

First time in a limousine, “doctor?”

Red Line Update: The work scheduled for this weekend, Jan 22 – 23, has been cancelled due to the weather.

It’s been twenty years since Walt Coleman just made up the Tuck Rule on the spot to save the Patriots and they all got away with it. Where does the time go?

Have more dried-out tubes of super glue. You can’t!

Everyone forgets this, but Patriots center David Andrews had a famous uncle: Evel Knievel.

Hey gang! (nervous cackle!) This week’s Phrase that pays is, “It is time for us to do what we have been doing. And that time is every day.”

How the genuine fuck do people ostensibly ‘in sports’ not know it’s the ‘Carson Palmer Rule?’

Another Mikey took a knife while arguing in traffic.
Flipper died a natural death, he caught a nasty virus.
Then there was the ever-present football player-rapist.
They were all in love with dyin’, they were doin’ it in Texas.

Paulie caught a bullet, but it only hit his leg.
Well, it should have been a better shot, and got him in the head.
They were all in love with dyin’, they were drinkin’ from a fountain.
That was pourin’ like an avalanche comin’ down the mountain.

Honk if you remember Lotus 1-2-3. Only took a half dozen floppy disks to install it.

Have ya Hurd about Buddy?

DJ Bean love constructing strawmen that he can argue against and then suck off afterwards.

How ’bout them Cowboys?

Arguing with people who don’t understand research is like swimming in a bathtub.

Finally caught up on Peacemaker and it’s absolutely wild, just like I wanted it to be. I’ve been saying it for a while, but Cena has some serious acting chops, man.

My weight loss secret? Lightly broasted chicken.

Nice job Australia. Good luck getting me to watch your Tournament now!

I have that same Carhartt watch cap!

Jackson Mahomes is lucky Ben didn’t corner him in a bathroom.

Only one of us eats fish on Christmas, weirdo.

Belated congratulations to Tom Werner for finding his tabula rasa in Jennifer Ashton.

Best bet for the weekend: constant reminders that Tom Brady is older than all the remaining NFC head coaches he could face in the playoffs!

Weep, you weeping weepers.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Beaker, and the unblocked members of #the15 were used in this column. Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies, you never know just how you look through other people’s eyes.

And a happy birthday to actress Drea de Matteo as well.

01/12/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

I think that I shall never see, a more disappointing Coaching Tree.

You’re limping into the playoffs! You are! You are!

Jon Lester should have been a Red Sock for life. There: I said it.

With friends like Antonio Brown, right?

To be fair to Nic Dowd, Marchand’s face is mostly nose.

The last time I try to contribute to the morning email chain outside my lane. Totally my fault. I do a million things on Tuesday mornings, came up on my Twitter feed, passed it along. I ran a lap.

Maybe don’t break up the Celtics roster?

Tony Dungy and Jeff Fisher could have colluded their way to a tie game, caller!

First NBC 80’s sitcom star Betty White, then ABC 80’s sitcom star Bob Saget. All I can say is be careful, CBS’s Kate &/or Allie!

Cakes are cooking for Kirstie Alley, Rockne S. O’Bannon, Jeff Bezos, Raekwon, Scott Burrell, Melanie Chisholm, and Dontrelle Willis.

Wait, maybe Peter Scolari from Newhart was the one death from a CBS 80’s sitcom, Maybe a FOX sitcom star is next in line?

Bruins gelling offensively just in time to get veteran netminder Tuukka back? Giddyup!

Thank God for raisins.

It’s been said before but Ian Rapoport always including 2 seconds of Kay Adams at the start of these clips he retweets is genius. Otherwise I’d keep scrolling.

You know who are underappreciated in our modern society? Eversource Energy executives, that’s who.

The #Bucs designated three players currently on injured reserve to return to practice: LB Lavonte David and RBs Leonard Fournette and Giovani Bernard.

The simps will pay for the overnight.

The Little Debbie double decker Oatmeal Creme Pie is inferior to the original version.

Hey Gang of Hyperlocal Beaneaters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The topic has been lightly broached over the years.”

Everyone forgets this, but Patriots center David Andrews had a famous great-uncle: Alex Karras.

Is Kool Moe Dee saying that Lauryn Hill is the Mina Kimes of rappers?

Blue Line Update: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance vehicle being moved into the yard. It’s clear at this time.

The Sox Pax are sold out? People still think baseball will start on-time, even with the lockout.

Personally, I like having fewer head coaches on opposing teams with institutional knowledge about Bill Belichick. Seems good.

1/8/54 (Elvis’ 19th birthday). Villanova’s Bob Schaefer’s 46 vs Baldwin-Wallace breaks Palestra scoring record of 45 held by teammate Larry Hennessy. How do I know? Bobert Ryan was there.

Oh good. A Bishop Hendricken alum won a National Championship. Yay.

You could do a great sitcom, Babe and Lou, setting up the Wild and Crazy guy against the Solid Citizen. Show them interacting with other 1920s superstars, Charlie Chaplin, Big Bill Tilden, Ty Cobb, Jack Benny, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Mary Pickford, Charles Lindbergh. Could be fun.

Ok. Thanks.

What’s the point of being the #1 ranked tennis player in the world if that doesn’t afford you special treatment?

It’s almost like there’s no correlation between being having a thousand yard rusher or reciever or having players win an entirely subjective Player of the Week award, and being a playoff team.

Hanging out, down the street.
The same old thing we did last week.
Not a thing to do, but talk to you.

There wasn’t one person wondering if Sam Jones III was Sam Jones’ grandson.

Notice me again, Jeff Kent!

A big thank you to Bradybrand.com for setting the market price for sweatshirts. The15 merch store will follow their lead!

Honk if you remember the Sav-Mor Discount Liquors sign.

Life hack: repurpose the resealable bags underwear is packaged in to store your breakfast cereal! No more stale Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chocolate Churros!

Steve Belichick’s dream job is to coach the Giants.

Weirdest part of that Beach Boys episode was that they not only had the time to meet with this random family hours before a concert, but that they also did it in San Francisco when their concert was clearly held at Dodger Stadium.

Maybe Bill’s Coaching Tree is a Baobab.

Play the honkies, Ime!

Whoever is reading this to Ganger tell him to get well soon.

Best bet for the weekend: media giving the fans an Adrian Balboa pep talk about NE’s chances in frigid Buffalo.

Fenway Park looks beautiful today.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the remaining members of #the15 were used in this column. The15 is a family.

Heidi Klum. Heilige Kuh!

01/05/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Big B, Big Goal, Good Kid.

Drive slow, drive safe. Bad road condtions out there in this town, right now.

I hope someone told Kristian Wilkerson the Jonas Gray story.

Dan Reeves got Harry Reid-ed.

A friend of mine who’s been in the industry a long time once warned me that Rob Manfred keeps a list of people/sites that criticize him and that it would be better for my career aspirations not to get on it. But if Ken Rosenthal isn’t safe, no one is.

Carl Davis has already played enough snaps this season to earn his NLTBE 20% playing time incentive. It is worth $25K.

Pasta. Once agan a goal scorer, always a Good Kid.

Re: Antonio Brown, I though only Bill Belichick cut players just before they reached invectives.

Cakes are cooking for Robert Divall, Clancy Brown, Vinnie Jones, Franck Montagny, January Jones, and Ronnie O’Brien.

There’s an All Madden documentary available on NetFilms. Check it out.

For Pete’s sake Ma, if eating that many cashews makes you sick, don’t eat that many cashews.

Even with his great play, making Bill smile is by far the most impressive thing Mac has done this year.

I think #the15 has found their eugooglizer in Anita.

Thanks for American International College for coming through and scheduling URI in basketball at the last minute.

Why can’t I find any store-brand duplex sandwich cookies?

I bet Chandler Jones left the Twitter DM group chat right before he unfollowed Kyler Murray.

Blue Line: Delays of up to 20 minutes due to a power problem between Aquarium and Bowdoin. Trains may be be asked to stand by or be crossed back for service.

Mina should and could be working high up in an NFL Front Office. Haters don’t realize how good she is.

I’m from Boston. We don’t have strong accents. You can’t get on me about my accent.

You could pair Marc Bertrand with Paul Perillo and miss nothing.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester trains on the inbound platform (track 5) at Back Bay and Lansdowne today.

Darryl Stingley. Google him. You will understand why I have it.

News Item: The Washington Football Team is getting a new name on February 2nd.

Becky Hammon leaving the NBA to return to the league she played in, for a WNBA record head coaching deal-only proves the power and potential of the league itself- and it’s one of the most badass and empowering moves I’ve ever seen.

I don’t even like Big Ben and I’m crying. what the fuck is happening to me.

Muffet vs. Geno? Team Muffet.

You would have to be a real Tonestradamus to predict that Antonio Brown would pull a nutty.

UMass’s Own Cale Makar.

It’s shocking the players aren’t siding with the commissioner in the middle of a lockout.

Honk if you rembember The Yum Yum Shop bakery chain.

Now go out and get yourself some big black frames.
With the glass so dark they won’t even know your name.
And the choice is up to you ’cause they come in two classes;
Generic aviators or cheap sunglasses.
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!

I’m not saying Mina sent the email. But I’m also not not saying that.

There’s just one week left in the regular season and Derrick Henry – who has been out since Halloween – is still 6th in the NFL in rushing yards.

Having a kid to save the marriage always works out.

Man, some of those college football Bowl Games! Amirite?

Rest in peace, Jim Corsi.

The latest Spider-Man movie was pretty good; I just wish they would explain how he acquired those amazing powers.

Happy Anniversary to the Pat Sullivan/Matt Millen fracas.

Best bet for the weekend: N’Keal Harry redemption tour kicks off in Miami.

What is happening here? This can’t be safe for lefty batters to hit this time of day. Shouldn’t Barbaro be running around in the outfield?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW poster Rickkyboy and the remaining members of #the15 were used in this column

Christmas isn’t over until BdlG says it’s over.

12/29/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Coach. Broadcaster. Large, Loud Person. Electronics Artist. Bus Rider. RIP. 

John Madden. He’s with the turduckens now.

Poor JB man. Losing half a tooth on Christmas is some shit.

Harry Reid done got Farrah Fawcett-ed.

Do Barstool employees have an explicit mandate that you must suck Portnoy’s dick 24/7, or is it like some sort of stolen valor persecution complex?

The food court is the best part of the mall.

Have the Buffalo Sabres won games at the TD Garden in back-to-back seasons? Because that means something.

Pattinson is guaranteed to be in my Batman top 3. He’s gonna crush this role, these trailers are only fueling my hype even more.

Im so old I can remember way back when everybody used to whine about there being too many bowl games.

Cakes are cooking for Ted Danson, Sean Payton, Margot Thien, Theo Epstein, and Alison Brie.

I dug the first episde of #BookofBobaFett as I think most hardcore Star Wars fans will. The return to Tattooine and so many familiar creatures and settings always put a smile on my face. Feels like a slow build of the story & characters and I can appreciate that.

To be fair, one set of heavily redacted court documents looks very much like another set of heavily redacted court documents.

John Madden was the one man on TV when I came of age in the 2000s that made me feel included in learning about and loving football. Not sure exactly what it was, but it never felt like he was talking past or above anyone who wanted to enjoy the game with him. What a loss.

Blue Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

The #Vikings have officially placed WR Adam Thielen on Injured Reserve.

If Upton says they’re overrated, then they’re overrated.

News Item: Another Jersey Mike’s is on its way to the northern suburbs.

We’re living in Benny Hurd’s world.

I can’t believe you
You bend your words like Uri Geller’s spoons.
Not quite safe here
When every judgement seems to smack of doom.

Are you ok? I’m just fine
You take Nanci, for me Loretta’s fine.

Judon has the COVID? Another similarity between us!

It’s not well known, but Coach Madden took such a propriatary interest in his eponymous video game that for years he would debug the code for it.

Be weirder, Darren Rovell. You can’t!

Honk if you remember the International Inn of Hyannis.

Boston Globe taking a break from Mindy Kaling news to dig deep with a profile of Annie ‘the Bank Teller’ Finucane.

Please keep showing me your favorite Madden plays.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t say farewell to those we also lost in 2021: OTF ARoy, Big Wan, 12 o’ Clock, Murdock, Edai, Gonzoe, KTS Dre, Indian Red Boy, Mike Darole, BCR Meezle, 18Veno, Chucky Trill, Flatline Nizzy, OG YD, DThang, Hotboy Ju, Boog the Bandit, Slim400, Young Dolph, and Drakeo the Ruler.

Josh Allen’s outburst just made me think of that bowling guy and his ‘Who do you think you are? I am!‘ freakout.

Best bet for the weekend: No tweeting after midnight on New Year’s Eve.

Just a couple of working stiffs, caller.

(Standard disclaimer goes here.)

Also, Happy Birthday to actress Jane Levy.

12/22/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

No one on the ice. At all.

Red Sox Winter Weekend cancelled by the MLB lockout before it could be cancelled by the COVID like last year.

Michael Gee; vindicated? Time will tell.

You’re right. What do I know about sports fandom? It’s not like I literally just wrote a book about it or anything. Oh, wait, I did.

I’m not sure the NHL players are Olympics-bound.

Hunter Henry and his wife Parker had their first child last week on the Patriots’ bye week. This week he catches a touchdown pass. Sports.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but eggnog is delicious.

Embiid was obviously incensed by Jackie Mac’s impression of him on California Bill Simmons’ podcast.

That college football Bowl Game has a funny name!

Cakes are cooking for Dick Barry. Steve Carlton, Steve Garvey, Jan Stephenson, Susan Powter, Luther Campbell, and Mike Sullivan.

Tiger golfing again is great to see.

Working in sports is always hectic but a day like today where news is cycling through every five minutes is especially tough on social teams and content creators. But 99% of those who work in sports for a living wouldn’t change that for the world. Proud to be apart of that 99%.

Get well soon Paige Bueckerers, or whoever.

This Omicron variant best not derail the AHL into January!

I don’t know if it’s been said, but that Mac Jones; it’s like he was made in a lab!

The Celtics traded Joe Johnson on February 20th, 2002. They are bringing him back 7,245 days later. That HAS to be an all-time sports record.

Since Bill is now apologizing for stuff, how about that Trump letter and Bon Jovi, and Mike Lombardi?

Worcester Line Train 514 (11:00 am from Worcester) is operating 10-20 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station due to train traffic.

Hot tip: Route 1 has plenty of stores to help you finish Christmas shopping.

I just want to debate yards allowed versus points scored, not cases versus hospitalizations. Is that so wrong?

The Regular Chick craze out of Hollywood needs to pass.

Honk if you remember Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it: and Scrooge’s name was good upon ’Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Not Drakeo too??

We need Bruins hockey back. People are screaming at me over a superhero movie. Oh man.

Any time I need to know what Shaq Mason’s prorated training camp bonus is, @patscap is my guy.

The car selling company “Carvana” is ripping off “Nirvana” with their name. No one will convince me otherwise.

Hey stupid, it’s the ‘Carson Palmer’ Rule.

Is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation better than the original?

Always impressed Derek Carr’s mascara never runs.

So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

Most painful thing in the world is the post office #sportscards

UMass needed OT to get past Fairfield U?

Cam’s fleeting success with his return to Carolina was a dead Panther bounce, apparently.

Vincent D’Onofrio just doesn’t miss, no matter what role he’s playing.

Barstool Sports basically killed the Herald’s Inside Track, so it’s only like 99% awful.

Look for our review of Spriderman: No Way Home early next year. Free preview – Loved It!

Best bet for the Weekend: Hats and T-shirts.

Liz Monty. OOTG’s

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Santa’s List, and #the15 were used in this columnMerry Christmas to all.

Sylvie Vartan. Knows what from making merry.

12/15/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Rest in Power, DT.

Demaryius Thomas dying was like if Princess Diana, Paul Walker, and Barbaro had all been on the Challenger, but sadder.

Your MLS MVP is Carles Gil of the NE Revolution.

Don’t worry, the inevitable move back to Boston is just delayed. Just wait for a couple more Olympic cycles and they’ll turn Gillette back to a harness track. Or a velodrome.

Not reading Dakota Randall makes one yearn for the days of not reading Doug Kyed.

What a great incompletion. I saw God.

Dale Arnold wrote a Shawn Thornton book? Is that necessary?

Congratulations to the Winnepeg Grey Bombers for winning the CFL Blue Cup back-to-back.

Nice having Jaylen back.

Cakes are cooking for Joe Jordan, Alex Cox, Helen Slater, Mo Vaughn, Rodney Harrison, and Catherine Fox.

Old school barber in Hudson does the straight razor w the mercurochrome after.
Step outside after and the cool air hits like a Newport Slush

Coach Arians is built like a condom full of clams.

Which one was Van Johnson and which one was Van Heflin again?

Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes is the GOAT.

If when you have two quarterbacks, you have no quarterbacks, what does having three hockey netminders mean?

“Try to be a nice person and fix your face” is classic Timmy.

The outpouring of grief over Demaryius Thomas reminds Upton Bell of when Valentino died.

Official ribbon cutting for the @MBTA_CR’s new Chelsea Station with General Manager @spoftak, @MassDOT Secretary Tesler, and @ChelseaGov_MA leaders.

I discovered a bonus beer in the fridge. Praise the Lord.

Old folks sure do love the day-old baked goods rack at the supermarket.

Mac Jones enjoys all Christmas entertainment equally.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Chris Simms. (Lenghty pause) “Go away, Chris Simms; you’re an asshole.”

Does Kate McKinnon have a bad back? Why does she walk like Groucho Marx?

Any foreign power who wants to provoke the United States should first watch Army-Navy. There’s millions more where these badasses come from. So stand down, Vladimir!

Hey Gang of Fantasy Football Inexperts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “where can I read your analysis on the AFC?”

Do Sir Paul and Ringo do a ’72 Dolphins champagne toast every time a member of the Monkees dies? RIP Mike Nesmith.

Jets special teams ace Justin Hardee got placed on the Covid-19 list.

Breer started the previous week suggesting football assuages the grief of a dead child and from there somehow went downhill.

Stop testing Asymmetric people!!

Listen to Entitled Town. Now endorsed by Sherwood Schwartz‘s daughter!

JV junior high basketball with no running clock is terrorism.

Some people were forced to grieve over Demaryius Thomas in airports.

Who told you I like peppermint bark candy? Because they are liars. Me? huh. Well, my greater point stands.

Keep your head on a swivel, Identical Best Friend Sixto! Just sayin’.

Scatter to West Right Tight – F Left 372 Y Stick Z Spot

Mai Tais > Hot Cocoa Bar

McDermott’s game plans are a Tampa 4 but a Buffalo 10.

Take the last train to Clarksville
Now I must hang up the phone
I can’t hear you in this
Noisy railroad station, all alone

I’m feelin’ low
Oh, no, no, no
Oh, no, no, no
And I don’t know
If I’m ever coming home

Jimmy Wynn is one of the most underrated players in baseball history. That is all.

Gregg Doyel. Who’s next? Bart Hubbach?

Honk if you remember Service Merchandise.

A Fagot in the Navy? You don’t say.

So what, people are taking Kitty Kelley at her scurrilous word?

Minihane almost talked about Turtleboy yesterday!

I hope someone’s favorite Boston sports ‘duende moment’ was Carl Everett permanently styling Dan Shaughnessy as the ‘Curly Haired Boyfriend.’

Bobby Okereke? Is that like a Brian Orakpo?

Lenny Megliola: still alive.

Now where am I to go for a slow reveal of Carmine Tazzi informational tidbits?

Happy Cupcake Day, tulip.

NBA counting stats! They’re Fannnntastic!

Best bet for the weekend: hayshakers with the big sads because the Patriots are back.

We feel the same way, Ray.
Future Boston Stadium for Patriots?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster UncleGizmo and #the15 were used in this column. Cheer up, sleepy Jean.

Stripey BdlG.

12/08/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

If you know, you know.

Bill Belichick out-coached Sean McDermott on national TV by running a 6 OL, triple-option offense a la Navy Midshipmen football. Absolutely brilliant.

Ohhh, a diplomatic boycott. That’ll teach them.

Some days you give up 137. Some days you score 145. And still other days you bench your starters. Only in basketball.

Portnoy thinks Bert’s obsession with 19-year-olds is weird.

Kirk is back. For now.

The only thing worse than a baseball writer is 400 baseball writers acting as self-appointed gatekeepers.

Gene Steratore always sounds like they’re calling him in the middle of a collection.

Obviously my intentions were good.

Cakes are cooking for Kevin Harvick, Elsa Benítez, Brandt Snedeker, Neel Jani, and AnnaSophia Robb.

Buffalo is a city full of SteveR’s.

I don’t even like rollercoasters-you’d never catch me in space.

No you guys; Mina only wants the good kind of attention.

“I’m eating El Prez frozen pizza and washing it down with a Pink Whitney! I’m cool!’

They keep telling us Harry Bailey is a great football player, but then I look at that uniform George is forced to wear and I’m definitely thinking Harry is pulling a Cousy and is playing against future insurance salesmen and accountants.

Green Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace D Branch service between Fenway and Riverside, Mon – Thurs, beginning at 8:45 PM through the end of service.

St. Joseph probably has to assign extra AS2’s to the Bedford Falls bridge after every Bills loss to the Patriots.

Did the assassin confuse Medina Spirit and Reality Winner?

Hey Gang of enviroscolds! This Week’s Phrase that Pays is “It speaks to the huge exoticism bias & racism in nature doc series that when the narrator discusses the extinction of animals due to habitat encroachment, the US and UK aren’t discussed. I love Attenborough’s documentaries, but this is a thing he’s particulars guilty of doing.”

“Yelling at someone makes their addiction melt away.” — Dr. SteveR

Do they sell Christmas trees at the Fenway Park rooftop gardens?

They fucked up my chimichanga. It’s not right, Greg.

I don’t know no shame
I feel no pain
I can’t see the flame
But I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do know Man-din-ka
I do

NWH soundtrack is the final nail in the coffin for the 1% of people who are still in denial about Maguire/Garfield returning.

GALLUP COOP AND CEEDEE together at once

Is ‘cheugy’ an example of someone actually making fetch happen?

Bob Dole wouldn’t mind the fun people are having at Bob Dole’s expense if Bob Dole weren’t dead.

How about that URI vs Providence hoops game?

“Sure, my daughter is dead but thank god for Dan Campbell.” – How Bert Breer thinks people think.

They let criminals sell used cars?

You can say all you want about Marcus Semien, but I still say he is no Rougned Odor.

Ask Coach Kangol why the snake oil salesman is handling team vax cards, sports media.

Honk if you remember Pier 1 Imports.

The Lions also play their best football after Thanksgiving, honks.

Close the door, Eustace.

Can Phil Perry be primaried?

Yeah lemme go on a cruise ship during a Pandemic. That sounds like a great idea. Notttt.

Best bet for the weekend: Sportshuman of the Year 2021 Tommy Statpadder taking the Bills to the woodshed.

Thank you, Carl.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Kingasaurus and #the15 were used in this columnI can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant.

Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin. Kyllä.

12/02/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Sorry folks, League’s locked out. The Wally out front should have told you.

The MLS Cup isn’t a double-elimination tourney? Less than ideal.

The day after Thanksgiving turkey gumbo is a lot of work but so worth it

Martha’s Vineyard basketball, the Rucker Park of Massachusetts island communities.

Is it ironic that Pat Burns was cremated?

I only answer to Fred the Baker and the higher ups at Dunkins.

Cakes are cooking for O.J. McDuffie, Rachel McQuillan, Monica Seles, Jan Ullrich, Aaron Rodgers, and Gary Sánchez.

Actually the BBWAA is trash, and the IBWAA is made up.

Pinot Grigio and regret make the world go round.

Pretty convinced the Fitbit sleep score is a random number generator.

Beef Barn
Tasty and Affordable

YES!!!! The 2021 Retrosheet Data has been posted!! This should be a National Holiday: RETROSHEET DAY!

Oh, the band in the documentary who broke up months later were sick of each other? Thanks, Corky.

“Greek Stuffing” is how Haggerty’s wife gets him dressed in his little suits.

Hey, Gang of stat humpers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “I prefer to vote for someone who is good on 4th downs.”

Omicron Beam > Omicron variant

Timely block, Rob Williams. Related, I can’t tell the difference between the Ninth and Tenth Doctors.

The best phrenologist is still a quack.

News Item: ‘Just because Cam Newton is on your roster it doesn’t mean you’re just going to win,’ says Cam Newton

Oh man, I missed Dame Time again.

Blue Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Another promise, another scene
Another packaged lie to keep us trapped in greed
And all the green belts wrapped around our minds
And endless red tape to keep the truth confined
(So come on)

Has anyone made a ‘Brian Kelly giving Notre Dame the Irish Goodbye’ joke yet? Everyone? Oh.

Nothing gets the teenagers wetter than “I know Mike Wallace”.

The calendar flips to December and I’ve already started watching old Masters Highlights. I can smell the Azaleas, Dogwoods, and Magnolias already. 123 days but who’s counting?

Marchand did nothing wrong!

Each morning I wake and check to see if I have a pulse. When I do I know it’s gonna be a good day…

AIDS Feet > COVID Toe.

I take no pleasure in reporting that Ted Sarandis won.

Milton Massachusetts. Home to the Blue Hills. and also Rich Hill. Welcome home.

I’m not your fucking “cupcake.”

You mean cosplaying as a beat writer doesn’t put you on par with Mookie Betts financially?

Honk if you remember the Almost Home line of cookies.

Oh sure, when the dog snores she’s cute.

I’m starting to think this Keith Olbermann character is a bit of an unstable prick.

Run-preventer JBJ is back? I am cool with that.

Oh gee was, the camera on accidentally catching me in a moment of vulnerability?

Best bet for the weekend: Kohl’s Cash getting earned.

Owning. Mai Tai Thirty.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW, and #the15 were used in this column. They will not control us. We will be victorious.

It is also Britney’s birthday. Have a happy one, free of conservatorship.

From the 15 Vault – 11/27 (2019) Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

SKWANTOE!!! DEAD FISH PLANT WIT CORN SEEDES??? WHAT IS THE REASONING!?!?!?!?

Huit contre un? Sacre moo!

So, did the NFL tell the Cowboys that they shouldn’t have called the tripping, or, that they weren’t penalties? Because those are two different things.

Dame Fashion says denim suits come back into vogue in 2020.

Woo Sox. Woo Sox? Woo Sox.

Someone should ask Coach Bill if it’s always smart to have recency bias in the NFL.

I wonder why Upton Bell doesn’t correct his friend Bootleg Barnicle when the latter mentions recently shopping at long-closed retail establishments. Isn’t he concerned about his chum’s mental acuity?

Kyrie. No profiles in courage there.

The ‘this is what happens if you try to deep fry a frozen turkey’ warning videos are better than the ‘dangers of fireworks’ warning videos.

Cakes are cooking for Manolo Blahnik, William Fichtner, and Adam Archuleta.

No shame in losing your first game so far to last year’s champs, UMass.

Maybe Patrick Mahomes should announce he now fully identifies as a Fraggle to earn back some of the attention Lamar Jackson pilfered from him.

I wonder if they listen to Alice’s Restaurant on Thanksgiving at Gerry’s.

B’s sign Coyle & Wagner to multi-year extensions? Why not?

I liked things better when nostalgia wasn’t as prevalent.

The Woo Sox are so going to have a Ric Flair Night, aren’t they?

Excited to see how the Patriots play in decent weather with Wynn and a reconstituted receiving corps.

Plymouth Rock is underwhelming. There, I said it.

This is probably the last Thanksgiving you can show up with a carton of menthols in a single use plastic bag as your hostess gift.

Well played, Stephen F. Austin.

Beagles really can’t be trained to expertly butter toast, no matter what that Charlie Brown special implied.

Del, what are you doing here? You said you were going home, what are you doing here?

Get well soon Kemba…, wait, he’s playing? Good. Never mind.

Honk if you remember Costello.

Running backs are fun, they are not fungible.

To be fair, I think that Samurai Johnson guy learned to speak English by watching Don Rickles YouTube clips.

Can’t handle the heat, cupcake?

So are the people who put up the hand-lettered flyers looking to buy diabetic test strips the same people who buy houses?

Best bet for the weekend: turkey tetrazzini.

From the 15 Vault – Guest Column – Spoiler Alert!

( Originally published November 25th, 2020 at BJBSJournal.com )

Note- Mr. Scartelli has the day off. Please enjoy this submission assembled by his co-workers at Spoiler Alert!, an aftermarket spoiler sales and installation shop in Plainville.

Warning: Spoilers to Follow.

Spoiler Alert: it’s a Prius gamely chugging uphill that’s causing the five mile long slowdown on the Pike.

Spoiler Alert: Boston is in no danger of once again becoming a college football town.

Spoiler Alert: you’re not important enough to receive one of the first doses of the CoVid-19 vaccine.

Spoiler Alert: good seats will still be available at America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.

Spoiler Alert: 50,000,000 Elvis fans CAN be wrong.

Spoiler Alert. it’s not the tryptophan in the turkey that made you pass out on the couch.

Spoiler Alert: Asian women do not have an extra muscle.

Spoiler Alert: you aren’t going to ever use the ‘fax’ feature on your home printer.

Spoiler Alert: no one has hit a 565 foot home run. Ever.

Spoiler Alert: the late Albert DeSalvo may not be responsible for the so-called Boston Strangler slayings.

Spoiler Alert: Brie Larson has a flat ass.

Spoiler Alert: it’s possible to go south on 93 and north on 128 at the same time!

Spoiler Alert: there never was a Loyko Investigation.

Spoiler Alert: Russ isn’t running his socials.

Spoiler Alert: ‘painter of light’ Thomas Kinkaide? A bit of a hack.

Spoiler Alert: the first thanksgiving took place in 1621 and was not a traditional feast of thanks but merely a celebration of a bountiful harvest.

Spoiler Alert: Elle Duncan? Not white!

Spoiler Alert. ‘Corinthian leather’ is not actually a thing.

Spoiler Alert: Pat Burns? Still dead.

Spoiler Alert: yes, AAPL has devised a way to remote drain the battery on your old iPhone in tandem with the release of a new iPhone model.

Spoiler Alert: Sixto looks nothing like Big Papi.

Spoiler Alert: the broad hosting the true crime podcast is in love with the suspect.

Spoiler Alert: Jim Nantz is not your friend.

Spoiler Alert: the Automile in Norwood is actually almost three miles in length.

Spoiler Alert: North American Sports Commissioners are not required to be from New York City!

Spoiler Alert: Len Bias may have sampled cocaine prior to June of 1986.

Spoiler Alert: Mary Ann’s sucked.

Spoiler Alert: Paul Revere did not act alone: he was actually one of several riders on April 18, 1775.

Spoiler Alert: of course that stripper likes you; you just gave her $300.

Spoiler Alert: Bridget pulled the goalie, as it were.

Spoiler Alert: it’s a sled.

Spoiler Alert: A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving won a makeup call Emmy.

Spoiler Alert: Chuck Stuart had help getting off that bridge.

Spoiler Alert: the song title is ‘Your Love’.

Spoiler Alert: the Plymouth Rock you see today is like George Washington’s tomahawk.

Spoiler Alert: BJBSJ – Always First.

“Look at that” – Scott Zolak, when on the radio.

Be sure to stop by Spoiler Alert! off Industrial Avenue in Plainville for all your aftermarket spoiler needs.

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