Author Archives: scartsy15

06/03/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Arthur. Juan. Brown.

Dianna Russini died for this trade.

Lately I’ve really been enjoying when something horrific happens during a Red Sox game to switch over to Sirius and rewinding to hear the reaction of smiley Flemming.

If the Spurs win this TITAL expect to see that Kornet block replayed forever.

Did everyone remember to wish a Happy Pride Month to the fake bisexual sports media gals?

Roman Anthony was built using parts made by Fiat.

I’m just happy one of the teams sponsored by a middle eastern airline won the big footie match.

Lou Damn Merloni never shuts up about using challenges.

Tired: ‘5th round picks are worthless, YOU overvalue them’ Wired: ‘how can you throw in a 5th rounder? Desperate!’

Ok if it’s a meteor where the hell did it land?

Cakes are cooking for Jim Gentile, Ian Hunter, Billy Cunningham, Hale Irwin, John Dykstra, Suzi Quattro, Deniece Williams, Dan Hill, Ibrahim Hussain, Scott Valentine, Steve Lyons, Dorothee “Doro” Pesch, Kerry King, Nelson Liriano, Mike Gordon, Anderson Cooper, Samantha Sprackling, Carl Everett, John Hodgman, José Molina, Az-Zahir Hakim, Cris, Travis Hafner, Al Horford, Rafael Nadal, Lalaine, and beabadoobee.

I’d assume this isn’t supposed to be my takeaway but isn’t it odd how when confronted with his own mortality Chris Gasper puts down the thesaurus and writes like normal person? Anyhoo, don’t die from cancer, man.

Hulking black teenager who’s really into Dragon Ball Z is one of the foundational American archetypes.

Bob Cousy calls A.J. Brown, ‘Arthur.’ Probably.

In other Red Sox rehab news, Garrett Crochet “can now spend several minutes in the same room as a baseball without crying.”

All the experts said the Thunder was a dynasty after winning 1 championship last year.

The Onwenu restructure is roughly the 37th story in a row that was not broken by the local Patriots beat writers. But we’re absolutely supposed to take them and everything they say seriously though.

After that Game 7 performance, Chet Holmgren should probably drop the blaccent.

I liken the way Eagles fans consume professional sports to the way young girls play with dolls.

I met Dee Brown once after he won the dunk contest. I panicked and gave him a rhinestone Chicago Bulls hat to autograph. (It was 1993 and that was the style at the time)

Hey gang of bakers and bakerinas, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Remove me from the future.”

People who think it’s actually supposed to be consistently hot here in New England during the month of May are lunatics.

Did the announcer just say Balogun is good with his feet? I hope so, he’s playing soccer.

I don’t care what FIFA wants, I’m still calling the place up in Foxboro where the World Cup matches are gonna be played Schaefer Stadium.

Television man is crazy,
Saying we’re juvenile deliquent wrecks-
Oh, man, I need TV when I got T-Rex,
Oh, brother, you’ve guessed, I’m a dude, dad!

If you’re thinking about killing yourself because Claude Lemieux died, please do it. (Necessary Legal Disclaimer goes here)

Did the Browns trade Myles Garrett to further disenfranchise Shadeur? IJATQ

Bret Michaels doesn’t want the gig?

Green Line C & D Branch Update: Normal service has resumed on the D Branch between Riverside & Brookline Hills. Shuttle buses continue to replace service on the C Branch between Cleveland Circle & Coolidge Corner.

Goodwill famously only sells brand new clothes.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

Can I PLEASE get a break from Jelly Roll?

“Tony Farmer is an important man.” – Senator Arlen Specter, if he were still on this side of the grass.

She’d like to model, or maybe act, or start a magazine
Before she signs any big contracts, she better learn to read
But in her dreams she’s the queen of the fashion regime

You ask me do I love you, does the Pope live in the woods?
Quod Erat Demonstrandum, baby. (“Ooh, you speak french!”)

She’s an AIRHEAD.
Stungun and mace, Kharmann Ghia plates say “Lost in Space”
She’s an AIRHEAD.
Thousands in trust, cusp Aquarius – get serious.
She’s an AIRHEAD.
Tinted contacts don’t change the fact that black is black.
She’s an AIRHEAD.
And while I’m impressed with the size of that chest,
she’s not an intellectual giant…

Migratory grifters pretending they knew who Claude Lemieux or Ray Bourque was before last week? Not cool.

Speaking as someone who is from NYC, chopped cheese has been a fabric of the culture of NYC food BROADLY since the late 90s early 2000s What we NOT gonna do is pull some crazy revisionist history when it comes to chopped cheese.

The Red Sox hate Fenway Park. Which is unfortunate because I love Fenway Park.

Nespresso!

Honk if you remember saxophonist Homer ‘Boots’ Randolph.

First Peabs, now Peabo. You’ll be missed, Mr. Bryson.

I like the narrative immediately swinging to “you hafta get a WR1!” To “YOU overpaid!” It’s almost as if they just need grist for the disingenuous grist mill.

I couldn’t solve today’s SteveRdle.

It would be sooooo epic if Kendra stumbled upon a Namibian village where the inhabitants were wearing Jaguars’ 2017 Super Bowl shirts.

C+C Music Factory questionable for July 4 with an upper body injury.

I’m sure Raymond Berry died contented secure in the knowledge his leading the Patriots to their 1st Super Bowl appearance and a winning overall record as HC is sufficient to earn a place in the Patriots Hall of Fame…eventually.

Happy National Egg Day.

Are these Unobstructed View commercials supposed to be enticing me to watch it?

It’s low-key kinda disrespectful to take Cam Newton’s number.

What’s with these horrible uniforms I’m seeing? “CLE!” “The Lou?” WTF?

Dan Lifshatz must have been betting on D1 tennis.

Well, if Colorado or Montreal can’t compete for the right to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup, at least the famously hockey-mad burgs of Raleigh, North Carolina and Las Vegas, Nevada qualified to play.

Peter King never claimed Greg Bedard was almost a baseball coach!

Best bet for the weekend: no rainouts at Yankee Stadium.

Fish? Squished.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. All the young dudes.

There’s something different about Lucy, what is it though?
Kicky bangs? No. A new eyeshadow? No, that’s not it, either.
Huh. I’m stumped.

05/28/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Hey Jaylen-

Kevin, Bert Bell coined the term ‘sidepiece’.

Whenever a Montreal fan complains about the referees an angel loses its wings.

Do we really have to call a grown man “Wemby”?

Rich Hill was on one inning, and Lou Merloni had a whole pizza in front of him. Jim Rice is on the next inning and the pizza was gone.

It’s definitely been staying lighter out later this year, no?

Celtics Derrick White is the only Gaurd on the NBA All Defensive First Team.

My favorite part of THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU was seeing Cape Cod become a part of the galaxy far, far away. Not sure what planet or location it was but the topography definitely appears Cape-inspired.

Paderborn back up in the Bundesliga where they belong.

Every action shot of SGA is just him mugging like Michael Winslow in Police Academy.

A Red Sox-level tapout from the Cavs. Shameful.

Name news: The new Red Sox reliever is Tyron Guerrero, not Tayron Guerrero. There has been a clerical error throughout his career that’s now corrected.

You can tell I’m a huge US soccer fan by how much I hate all the players.

Why do I listen to the SiriusXM Beatles channel Top 100 Beatles songs each Memorial Day weekend when I know am only going to get angry?

Cakes are cooking for Carroll Baker, Hans Dulfer, Terry Crisp, Gladys Knight, Rudolph Giuliani, John Fogerty, John Wells, Roland Gift, Eugene Robinson, Beth Herr, Glen Rice, Kari Wuhrer, Kylie Minogue, Ekaterina Gordeeva, Marco Rubio, Pat Peake, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Alexa Davalos, Jhonny Peralta, Colbie Calliat, and Michael Oher.

Have more guys thrown out at home in one weekend. I would be so mad at the 3rd base coach if I knew who he was.

They really are going to ruin Nate Bargatze for me by making him do movies, aren’t they?

I came this close to buying a new OTAs hat today but then remembered it’s better to wait until they are over so I can get one on sale.

Revs had trouble handling the CLT. I can relate. Wait, what?

I wish the Red Sox would just cut ties with Clemens. Or else just retire his number. It’s like the world’s longest foreplay. Do it or don’t but stop making me watch you dry hump each other.

Poor Sidney just had one of the toughest JEOPARDY! outings these eyes have ever seen. Looked like stage fright + not getting the buzzer thing down.

I have 3 retarded dogs, all various sizes and all mutts. Non of them piss indoors, or are afraid of the rain. Al Kaprielian can suck my dick.

Kyle wants us to race on, man. Enjoy the race, it’s what he wants.

Pretty sure I just saw the newly-crowned D3 national lacrosse champs @TuftsJumbos crushing Chick-Fil-A at Reagan National.

This new Spidey/Nic Cage joint now has my attention.

I can’t watch an OKC/NY finals. I’ll be too tempted to root for the Knicks and that will (a) feel disgusting and (b) be a miserable experience because they’ll get their teeth kicked in.

Hey gang of boring autists, this week’s Phase that Pays is, “Ended up having to order a button online, doesn’t match exactly.”

Coruscant should be a candidate for “Star Wars planet or places Kennedy’s drink?”

Mortal Kombat II was fine, but man, if there’s anyone who was going to bring Johnny Cage to life in live action, they NAILED IT with Karl Urban. God, he was fantastic.

Another well-earned vacation for Kendra.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

I had a couple of check engine lights come on. But they went off after I tightened the gas cap and drove for 20 or so miles. All fix!

Did the batting cages at Kimballs. I think I now require a stint on the DL.

Between GHOST, ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER, and “Hacks”, Tony Goldwyn has played some of the scumbaggiest mofos MF in screen history.

Merloni is as bad as Scal on replays.

My latest great idea: If a hockey team pulls their goalie, the other team should be able to put a 2nd goalie on the ice.

Gorg morning Ging!

Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla has been named the 2025-26 NBA Coach of the Year, earning the Red Auerbach Trophy.

He got the voices speakin’ riddles
He got the eye as black as coal
He got a suitcase covered with rattlesnake hide
And he stands right in the road.

You got to hidey-hide
You got to jump up run away.
You got to hidey-hidey-hide
The old man is down the road.

Saw Zo at Twin River a week ago. Huge beer gut. 6’5” with sunglassses gave him away. Very good to fans who approached him. Next morning I heard the Awaken180 commercial.

West Ham – Millwall twice next year just like God wanted.

Attn Celtics fans: what the Knicks did in their Game 4 destruction of the Cavs was play classic Tom Heinsohn basketball. That was the greatest fast break clinic since the 70s Celtics, and that includes the 80s “Showtime” Lakers.

Honk if you remember Patrick Roy.

Sal would’ve loved the Spurs parading Coach Pop around like Lou Carnesecca.

Serious NFL business was conducted in the Ground Round!

All time highs are when you’re supposed to invest.

Yes Mut, Red Sox fans chanted ‘sell the team’ because Portnoy popularized the phrase on Barstool merch.

The only thing that’s gay about the UFC is the muscular oiled up dudes in tight shorts rolling around on the ground, rubbing their nutsacks all over each other.

Knicks are in the finals and Shukri is a hyperlocal New Yorker again.

Best bet for the weekend: high temperatures and higher drama at Roland Garros.

no caption required

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I ain’t no fortunate son.

And happy birthday to actress Christa Miller.

2026 Memorial Day Weekend Mixtape Playlist

Posted on by Leave a comment

(Dear The15net dot com Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is the now-traditional & highly-anticipated musical playlist for your Memorial Day enjoyment. Click HERE to download.)

(This one will be released on two disks over two days. For reasons.)

Disk One-

Hug Like an Eye-talian – The Bangholes

It’s Raining 0.34″ of Men – The Weather BHLs

Call Me (A Needy Douchebag) – Dondie

Midnight Trade to Georgia – Jaylen Brown and the Bricks

Give It Away – Celtics Series Lead

Oh Tazzi – SteveR Perry

Fly Out Courageous – Driveline N Cryin

Where Can Sal Be Now? – Men Chatting at Work

Botox Fox – Mick Gindaloon and His Dumb Polacks

Dirty Dianna (The Kid is Not My Son) Remix – Michael Vrabeson

Taking care of BIZNESS! – Shukri Wrights Overdrive

You Alright? – RA and The Painkillers

I Feel Like A (Random) Number – Dan Kelley and the Silver Bullet Points Band

Have You Ever Seen an Italian Person Before? – Civian Clearwater Revival

(Fake) Rehab – Joshy Poorhouse

Song From That Low Powered Spanish Station in Lawrence That Routinely Beat WEEI Afternoons in the Ratings Goes Here

Sal Is Dead (Miss Him, Miss Him) – Amphibious Spaniards

Fake Plastic Cheeks – Bradyohead

The Dark Side of Running Your Mouth – Pink Froyd

Lifshatz Saw This Coming (And So Did I) – Turkeypie Jefferson

Message/Chat ChatMessage – Masterful Gambit

Lopopolo? – The Vowels Spaghetti Project

The Guys Get Shertenlieb! – The Definition of Insanity (with Paul Anka)

Barstool Instant Merch – The Big Itchy Tags

Make The Proud Young Americans Proud Again – Ron Catamount Muskmelon

Disk Two:

Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows – Lansdowne Echo Chamber

Stay Hungry – Twisted Agar

Fake Home Chicago – Stray Katz

Turned Down for Jobs – Lil Andy

I Forgot to Remember to Forget – CoreyB

Bobby Dalbec is More Precious Than a Grapefruit – Shigeyoshi Wholesome Entertainment and Vending Concern Song Group

If I Had a Hammer (I’d Hold It in the Middle) – Peter, Paul & Portnoy

(Don’t Go Back to) Nashua Jersey Mike’s – N.H.H.H.S.

Two Tickets to Game 7 – SPEDdie No Money

HHFCGHIJNNXD UVCXCD – Ozzy Osborne

While Greg Bedard Gently Weeps – The Beetles

No Mas Tequila (Cuttin’ Out The Booze Mix) – Sammy Agar

Shitty Fingers – Doinko Boingo

Papa’s Got a Brand New Gluebag – Dave Brown

My Name Is Joe Murray – Wheezer

Visualization Of The Space Mind Gargamel Part XI: The Idea of Gobert – Dero Spedes

Get Outta Here Cloud – Bob Ryan

I Love Young Americans – David Bowen

Mozart Believes in Me – Kenny Leave Rogers

Hymn To the Fallen Minifans – John Williams feat. El Prez’ Own Marine Life Band

(Have a song suggestion? Or a compliment? Leave it in the comments!)

05/20/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Patriots. Community. Day.

I wish Jaylen would shut up OR dribble.

Surprised Mickey Gasper hasn’t been questioned about the Gardner Museum heist.

Hey, everybody. Chill. Wemby ain’t Wilt and Wilt wasn’t Wemby. Very different players. But thanks to Wemby’s versatility you could pair them, and wouldn’t that be frightening?

Why wouldn’t they just keep using an opener for Bello? Because it was actually working?

Too little, too late on that goalie change. methinks.

James Harden should be left on the airport tarmac even though they aren’t flying anywhere.

Kyle Schwarber looks like he could be a Steiner brother.

When the NFL’s schedule release aligns with your colonoscopy prep, you write about both.

In terms of Boston movies, RA thinks he’s Affleck in The Town, but he’s actually Cliff Robertson at the beginning of Charly.

Annie Agar has almost zero white knights.

Way to let slip your husband had a no-show job with the Sox, second Mrs. Varitek.

Florio suggesting that Russini was pressured into fucking Vrabel the same day someone finds her thirst trap video is perfect. No notes.

Cakes are cooking for Sadaharu Oh, Tison Street, Cher, Craig Patrick, Steve George, Jane Wiedlin, Bronson Pinchot, Susan Cowsill, Tony Goldwyn, David Wells, Todd Stottlemyre, Mindy Cohn, Busta Rhymes, Matt Czuchry, Mike Flanagan, Jayson Werth, Rachel Platten, Sierra Boggess, Chris Froome, Enes Kanter Freedom, Harris Reed, Tara Davis-Woodhall, and Trinity Rodman.

Genuinely woke up and immediately smiled thinking about how I get to watch Wemby later. Like first thought of the entire day.

It’s 2026 and we are complaining about not getting Brusder Gratarol in the Betts deal?

Tony ‘Engagement’ Farmer. Boom. Roasted.

It’s not until you start listening to Bill Simmons with your young kids in the car that you realize how often he curses – including dropping f-bombs – on air. We were listening to his episode with Nick Wright, and I felt like I’d brought my kids to see Goodfellas.

Not a lot of babies being named Bob like there used to be.

Homemade mayonnaise?

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses are replacing service between Wonderland and Revere Beach due to an issue with the overhead wire at Wonderland. Please expect delays as shuttles are dispatched.

Scal discovered Cooper Flagg and Stephen Curry.

I love a last name that reminds me of how Superman was paralyzed.

In accordance with his will, Mark Fuhrman’s Nazi memorabilia will be bequeathed to Curt Schilling.

I wonder why the white guy with a racially ambiguous name and million+ followers that commentates on the NBA chooses not to use an actual picture of himself?

It’s just easier to function when it’s pleasant outside and not awful.

Dave Mlicki pitched the very first regular-season game between the Mets and Yankees in 1997, and he shut out the defending champions, spinning curveballs and striking out eight. Any list of great Subway Series performers starts with him.

Hey gang of professional word-users, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You can see all the water shining on the grass.”

Man, how about that footie match? Blimey!

Mickey Gasper looks like if you incorporated Mario into RBI baseball with a cheat code.

Honk if you remember Schlitz beer.

‘Sir Winston Tulips’ was Upton Bell’s Provincetown stage name for the summer of 1980.

Maybe the Red Sox should let Tolle close his own starts?

Seems I’ve got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I’ve got to leave before I start to scream
Won’t someone lock the door and turn the key

Feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling too good myself (on, no)
If I feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling that good myself, yeah (oh, no)

Apparently there are people who are so anti-vaccine that they aren’t getting their dogs their rabies shots!!! WTF is that?! Never read Cujo?!

Who forgot to say Spida?

According to Annie Agar, she lost weight because she stopped eating refined sugar. Her entire diet must have consisted of refined sugar.

Kendrick Perkins needs to explode like Mr. Creosote.

You guys are so upset about the Red Sox being the only Boston team left when you could just be watching the Giro d’italia and then the Tour de France and then the Vuelta and then the world championships and then oh my goodness what’s this is that cyclocross I see!?

That is blatant Free Jacks erasure.

That fella who won the PGA Championship looked a bit too dusky to be an Englishman to me. Must be the coal dust.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa has now played all nine positions in the big leagues.

Hailey Van Lith sounds like an indie band name.

Break up the Revs?

The Buffalo Sabres fans can go back to not having jobs now, I guess.

Best bet for the weekend: reports of record-breaking travel.

Just sayin’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take these broken wings And learn to fly again Learn to live so free.

RIP to careless chanteuse Claudine Longet. She’s with Spider Sabich again, possibly.

05/13/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Patriots first pick Caleb Lomu..6’6” 313 pounds is an AVID golfer..

Just a reminder Bostonians, Mickey Gasper has a moustache, while Chris Gasper has a beard.

First the Peebs, now the Fleet are done with the ‘yoffs too?

I hate the Montréal Canadiens with a burning passion, but sacre merde it must be unbelievable to watch a playoff game in their ol’ barn.

Jarren Duran shouldn’t be on any social media at all. No forms of communication except telegraph.

Actually, you can eject Wemby from a playoff game for that.

Maybe Mike Vrabel will get a year off like Cora did. Steve Roenicke available?

WWE is in its WCW era.

Nothing like the drip drip drip of NFL schedule release week.

Way to heroically win one more playoff game than the Celtics did, Sixers.

Something you may not know: Greg Weissert is a clubhouse glue guy. A close friend of Crochet, Story, Duran and the group of bigger names on the roster. A key cog in the clubhouse culture.

Being serious I can’t wait for the Patriots schedule to drop. Going week by week and figuring out which games I’m attending is awesome.

Mitch Johnson looks like one of the ethnically ambiguous backup dancers from “Hamilton.”

Cakes are cooking for Roch Carrier, Harvey Keitel, Senta Berger, Armistead Maupin, “Blue” Lou Marini, Magic Dick Salwitz, Stevie Wonder, Paul Thompson, David Simon, Dennis Rodman, Chris Washburn, Darius Rucker, Parrish J. Smith, Tom Nalen, Josh Taves, Pusha T, Barry Zito, Mike Bibby, Sunny Leone, Lena Dunham, Robert Pattinson, Tyrann Mathieu, Willson Contreras, and Morgan Wallen.

Bob Ryan spending his golden years replying to everyone on twitter is a cautionary tale for the sports debate industrial complex.

Trevor Bauer just needs to get Josina Anderson in his camp.

Duran deleting his whole Instagram account and not just the offending Holley post signals to everyone that he’s having a mental crash out, and that’s his comfort zone. Can’t criticize me!

I hope the $12.5M cap hit next season for the Grizzlies Brandon Clarke gets removed. Right thing to do.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Everyone whines about nepotism with regard to Noah Eagle. Did he have certain advantages to get his foot in the door? Of course. That’s called life. But once you’re in the door, you need to be good to stay there. And he is excellent.

TwoTimes tried to warn us.

Hey gang of innkeepers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you got time to tweet, you’ve got time to be neat.”

Is Ken the new WALLDICK? I’m missing out on all the zoinks action.

Philly must have contracted the Mazulla Myth, it must spread by human contact.

Bobby Cox didn’t die like five years ago? Huh.

You can call it what you wanna
I call it messin’ with the kid.

You know you’re at a good brewery when the two TV’s are playing women’s soccer and rodeo.

It’s UFC, not EBT.

Musta got lost, musta got lost, musta got lost
Somewhere down the line
Musta got lost, musta got lost
Give away the day you were mine.

That scene in the Netflix documentary where Cora was preparing the other coaches to handle Duran’s feelingzzzz if he didn’t make the all star team was so embarrassing.

Vic Morrow got an autopsy, too.

Jersey Mike’s turkey and provolone is one of the best subs you’ll ever have.

LeBron must be hating all the ‘will he or won’t he retire’ attention.

When Tolle walks off the mound he looks like a local stumbling out of Triple O’s in 1983.

Matt McCarthy also gets his dental work done at Town Fair Tire.

Hilarious to me that Roman Anthony talked up Alex Bregman all offseason as a leader and someone he looked up to, and then the Sox promptly let him go. Mighta been nice to keep a guy like that!

Kara Lawson shoulda been the third contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy! All-Stars with Katie and Mina!

Sad hearing about Ochre from Vengeance of the Nerds. Reminds me of my college days.

Ladies, for your own safety, stop messing with the thermostat!

Best bet for the weekend: tree pollen.

Thass right, sweatie.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I just called, to say, I love you.

And happy birthday to actress and apparently also singer Debby Ryan.

05/06/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Of course.

The show that was terrible on WZLX isn’t better on a worse station? Huh.

I’m just saying it’s awfully suspicious that Spirit Airlines went under right before every other sports fan in Boston was ready to drive Jaylen to the airport.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are lucky like Whitey Bulger when it comes to the Draft lottery.

Sports is supposed to be enjoyable but often sports is not.

Where’s the second longest bar in Worcester?

Ted Johnson wearing glasses makes me laugh every time.

Cakes are cooking for Masanori Murakami, Bob Seger, Jimmie Dale Gilmour, Mary MacGregor, David Leestma, Lynn Whitfield, Tony Blair, Tom Bergeron, Tim Simpson, Kate Collins, Julianne Phillips, George Clooney, Roma Downey, Mark Bryan, Martin Brodeur, Brooke Bennett, Edyta Sliwinska, Jason Witten, Adrianne Palicki, Gabourey Sidibe, Chris Paul, Emily Armstrong, Goran Dragić, Meek Mill, Dominika Cibulková, Jose Altuve, Naomi Scott, and Angel Reese.

I didn’t see the exit interview, did Jaylen say something pseudointellectual and glib?

The divorced whore table at the Knights was particularly aggressive the other night. I was focused on the game.

Hey, at least we don’t have to deal with any more stupid streaming-only Celtics playoff games this year.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I love that for them.”

Red Sox with a modest win streak?

Congratulations Stefon Diggs on your courtroom victory. Also; plan on being bankrupt about 5 minutes after retiring.

Green Line C Branch: May 6-17

Shuttle Buses replace service between Cleveland Circle & Kenmore for maintenance. Shuttles will not service Saint Mary’s Street, Kent Street, or Brandon Hall. Riders at Cleveland Circle can use the D Branch at Reservoir.

Does anyone in the world buy the middle tier of gasoline between unleaded and premium? Who is it for?

John Sterling. In life all good things come to an end, Suzyn. Like his shoehorning a Bambino-esque nickname for every Yankee player. RIP.

I stopped following Amaka Ubaka on Facebook tonight.

Divisive denim trend Szn!

Imagine being forced to scrub the floors while Bart Simpson menacingly informs you that your thetans are out of whack.

Punching Austin Reeves should be mandatory.

CVS needs to cool it with the text messages. I’ll pick up my prescriptions when I damn well please.

Buy gayer grass seed.

The Met Gala? Three Gobbles.

I would have watched Jaylen review tape on Twitch but, you know, I don’t have a gaming chair.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered?
Started hummin’ a song from 1962
Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closin’ in…

Honk if you remember when Pinkberry was at the Prudential.

I heard Spurs-Timberwolves Game 2 can only be seen with a View-Master.

A power strip is what everything plugs into. Electricity.

Robert Edward Turner III. He’s why everyone grew up watching the Atlanta Braves on the SuperStation TBS. RIP.

I’m sure Kevin Durant won’t poison the next team he ends up with.

Best bet for the weekend: Cosplay Canadians in Buffalo outplay the genuine Canadiens.

Soon.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Night Moves.

Of course Bianca is sad that the Bruins and Celtics playoffs are over, but she’s smiling her way through it.

04/29/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Not a lot going on in the local sports scene, eh gang? Heh heh heh.
(And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Dale has a new book available for preorder.)

Maybe the reason the Red Sox have been so bad that last few years is because Alex Cora loves his wife and family too much to cheat.

Mut breaking news about guys losing their shitty radio gigs is too much irony to handle.

Why do you hate barely comprehensible tie-in marketing campaigns?

Firing Alex Cora and his staff hours after a 17-1 win didn’t telegraph that the move was planned before the weekend. At all.

Robert Kraft has never thought of addressing a problem in a non-billionaire way.

It’s ok to not be ok with a player who sucks.

Wel, the good news is that the Celtics can only lose one more home playoff game this round. That’s also the bad news.

Bostonians haven’t been fucked over by an Italian like this since Charles Ponzi.

Bad night saved from being worse night by Good Kid.

Cakes are cooking for Willie Nelson, Luis Aparicio, Klaus Voormann, Vini Poncia, Duane Allen, Richard Kline, Johnny Miller, Reb Brown, Rick Burleson, Nora Dunn, Jerry Seinfeld, Kate Mulgrew, Daniel Day-Lewis, Mark Kendall, Eve Plumb, Michelle Pfieffer, Roger Eno, Phil King, Mike Babcock, Master P, Browning Nagle, Carnie Wilson, Andre Agassi, China Forbes, Uma Thurman, Mike Hogan, Rafael Betancourt, God Shammgod, David Lee, and Justin Thomas.

Missing Day 3 of the draft is total performative bullshit to satiate the fishwives. There’s no real reason “counseling” has to happen this weekend. The Kraft’s get to position themselves as champions of family. Bill would never.

I’m sure Dianna’s colleagues in the media had no idea this was happening.

Red Line Reminder: Sat, May 2 – Mon, May 4 Shuttle buses replace service between Broadway & Quincy Center for signal work. Ashmont trains will operate from JFK/UMass. Commuter rail will be fare-free between South Station & Braintree.

So they’re not keeping Varitek on as “Special Assistant for Calling Four No-Hitters”, or whatever?

Hey gang of cutsies! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Who gets sensi over warmies??”

Did WEEI err in canning Fitzy and Hart during such an exciting news week? (short pause) No.

Vrabes may be saved only by Kraft wanting to avoid the optics of a franchise in turmoil having their 4th head coach in as many years.

Remember when Simmons said fuck in an HBO commercial that one time? He was so proud of himself.

I’ll try to be polite. You are waaaay out of your league, and I suggest you cease embarrassing yourself in public by flouting your basketball ignorance.

Say, will Bendetson receive a retroactive Pulitzer Prize? Ryder could hand deliver it.

Sh!t Unfunny Fired WEEI Guys Say:
‘What do you mean Sarge has my old job at Gillette Stadium?’
‘Do you think there are any ‘Teddy Twenties’ left anywhere?’
‘No, they didn’t forget to add the Providence numbers to the overall ratings.’

Imagine the size of the blue pin that Vrabel is gonna have to wear next year. Fucking thing’s gonna be bigger than a frisbee.

Ted and the Retreads? That should be the show title.

Really impressive that Henry could seize the Mr. Burns energy so decisively from Jacobs.

Well what was Vrabes supposed to do when Dianna showed up and started rubbing her big fakies up against him? Say no? And possibly hurt her feelings?!

Kelly Oubre ever figure out who hit him in the crosswalk?

I mean this with the straightest face I can say it with, but it feels like the days of the “NFL insider” are dying. Major W for local reporters.

Nick Nurse trying too hard to be Drew Carey.

Hopefully they’re counseling Vrabel on how to find hotter chicks.

You can do a lot worse for lunch than Roma tomatoes, cucumbers, avocado and a vinaigrette of your choice.

Crazy
I’m crazy for feelin’ so lonely
I’m crazy
Crazy for feelin’ so blue
I knew
You’d love me as long as you wanted
And then someday
You’d leave me for somebody new
Worry
Why do I let myself worry
Wonderin’
What in the world did i do
I’m crazy
For thinkin’ that my love would hold you
I’m crazy for tryin’, and crazy for cryin’
And I’m crazy for lovin’ you.

Imagine the most stressful part of your day was the dream you had the night before?

The other station’s afternoon drive actively roots against the local teams and trolls their audience, yet WEEI still can’t manage to put a replacement level show against it to compete with. The incompetence is impressive.

Christina Erne’s huge dress distracted me from her lies about the lack of rain this spring.

Honk if you remember Roger Clemens striking out 20 Seattle Mariners on this day in 1986.

Broads don’t want solutions, they want sympathy.

Millennial basketball “experts” need to know some good basketball was played in the 20th century.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Chris Simms.

Russini loses her job while Peter Schrager proudly wears knee pads over his dress sackss to orally service any member of the McVay coaching tree.

If the Red Sox win the World Series does Alex Cora get a ring?

NBA ROY Cooper Flagg.

That Spotify playlist could have used some Muskmelon.

The sports news from the last two weeks made me sad all over again that we lost Larry Johnson. Think of the incomprehensible cartoons!

Best bet for the weekend: No game seven in the Playoffs, but a forced game seven in the Playoff.

Swan Boats are finally open for the season. But do they presage Duck Boats?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Mammas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys.

And happy birthday to Aussie actress Katherine Langford.

Yet Even More Little-Known Beantown (and Foxborough) Sports Facts!

Posted on by Leave a comment

Note: Patrick Scartelli has taken this week off from Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer. In his place is a submission from good friend of The15net dot com, sportswriter Mr. Stanislas Tecumseh Darden, Jr., with an excerpt from his book, ‘406 Little-Known Beantown (& Foxborough) Sports Facts!’

The then-New England Whalers won their first and only World Hockey Association Avco World Trophy at the Boston Garden in 1973!

Pick #199 in the 2000 NFL Draft was a compensatory pick granted to New England after punter Tom Tupa signed with the New York Jets! New England used that pick to draft Michigan QB Tom Brady!

From 1997 to 2007, giant Coke Bottles were attached to a left field light tower for advertising purposes at Fenway Park!

Boston Globe writer Jerry Nason in 1936 coined the term, ‘Heartbreak Hill’ for that stretch of the Newton Hills of the Boston Marathon!

The Boston Celtics and the Boston Red Sox both won their last championships at home!

Boston Garden’s first sporting event was on November 17, 1928, a boxing card headlined by Boston Native “Honey Boy” Dick Finnegan’s defeat of Andre Routis!

The New England Revolution was the last franchise in Major League Soccer to adopt a new logo!

No one knows what happened to the Isobel Cup!

In December of 1995 five fans were electrocuted when a goalpost removed from Foxboro Stadium by jubilant fans came in contact with power lines!

The George R. White Memorial Stadium would be a great potential site for a women’s soccer league team to play!

For several years, Red Sox slugger David Ortiz had no idea what teammate Dustin Pedroia’s first name was!

The Bruins’ Stanley Cup finals appearances in 1988 and 1990 were both disrupted by power outages!

The late Pro Football Hall of Fame inductee Art Donovan played his college football with the Boston College Eagles!

In 1939, a financial dispute between Ice Follies figure skater Sonje Henie and her managers led Boston Garden General Manager Walter Brown and eight other arena managers to found the Ice Capades!

At Fenway Park, there is a big concourse called The Big Concourse!

The New England Free Jacks are defending three-time Major League Rugby Champions!

Fenway Park’s first night game took place on June 13, 1947, when the Boston Red Sox played under the new lights for the first time!

The Beanpot is neither a bean nor a pot, but rather, it is a college hockey tournament between four Boston-area colleges & universities!

The Boston Braves played at Braves Park, (which is now Nickerson Field) from 1915 until 1952!

Three generations of McNeeley’s (Thomas Senior, Tom, and ‘Hurricane’ Peter) boxed professionally at Boston Garden!

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology athletics mascot is a beaver named Tim, which is MIT backwards!

The TD Garden has never hosted an NBA All Star Game! The last one in Boston was played in 1964!

Fenway Franks are made by Everett-based Kayem Foods Inc.!

Joan Benoit won the Woman’s Division of the Boston Marathon in 1979 and 1983, setting a record that would last for 11 years!

Star Cambridge Rindge and Latin hooper Patrick Ewing shocked Beantowners by signing a letter of intent to play for Georgetown instead of a local school!

Fenway Park is the oldest stadium in Major League Baseball!

04/15/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
They were both in town on business! The NFL Combine! Nothing to see here!

News Item: Dianna Russini resigns. But don’t worry, I’m sure she will land on her knees.

Another 100-point season for the Good Kid?

Media people beat their chests all the time about their importance and their standards, but not so fun actually having to be held to them.

Friends drive two hours to hold hands. Let’s move on.

So were fans telling Jarren Duran to kill himself a few years ago when he was regularly freaking out at them well before the very believable suicide story was even aired?

It’s another victory for Belichick and total disdain for all media.

Getting fired the same month you found out you were elected to the hall of fame as a coach is the most Doc Rivers thing ever.

Dickie V is more cancer than man at this point.

Damar Hamlin’s clone should have put the green jacket on Rory.

Cakes are coking for Marty Wilde, Dave Edmunds, Ted Sizemore, DeDe Lind, Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, Emma Thompson, Kevin Lowe, Thomas F. Wilson, Lynne Austin, Kevin Stevens, Linda Perry, Samantha Fox, Dara Torres, Ed O’Brien, Stacey Williams, Phillippi Sparks, Andy Daly, Vickie Johnson, Sergei Krivokrasov, Chris Stapleton, Patrick Carney, Seth Rogen, Margo Price, Antonio Cromartie, Emma Watson, Maisie Williams, Sexyy Red, and Jordon Chiles.

Vrabel will now have to interlock fingers with Karen Guregian the next time he sees her.

Your nickname including ‘Big’ when you work for Barstool doesn’t seem to be a useful differentiator.

Bruins fandom is just ruined by a bunch of fucking losers who think it’s a damn TV show. They’d rather watch Behind the B than pay attention to the actual fucking game.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We’re in the WNBA free agent blender, folks.”

Imagine being those editors at The Athletic tasked with the investigation? For the first time ever, you actually want to see some cvnty broad from work’s group photos from vacation with her girlfriends.

Imagine how good Garza would be if he had Scheierman’s haircut

Shameless mumbling company man Lou is wildly overestimating the reservoir of goodwill he built up being Nomar’s butler.

Knicks play a very entitled game for a team that has won jack shit. and Towns is 7’2″ 325 lbs and also somehow the softest player in the league.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

Blue Line: Delays of about 15 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

So there’s now an opening at Barstool for a 500 pound fake gambling expert? we know one who needs a gig!

Russini has burn victim lips.

The WNBA super max being $1.4 million is objectively hilarious. I remember when McHale wanted a million dollars and on the top of the Globe Sunday sports page Larry Johnson drew a picture of him as a pig eating a trough full of money.

Whether its to Nairobi or Nineveh or Nashua, the yen to travel exists in all of us.

Forsberg now has a mullet?

It’s really sad, but this whole unseemly affair makes me skeptical of the true motives of the women in thigh-high boots who interview the tall athletes on TV. I think I’m gonna have to call out of work to regroup here.

Jeff Passan’s face is unsettling. He looks like if Cillian Murphy got stung by bees.

Anyone ever heard of Whitey Ford?

There are Jawas who have less bot engagement than Bob Ryan.

Bobby Manning talks like he mainlines Thorazine.

I keep seeing these brutally embarrassing Russini clips and one question comes to mind: did she ever actually report anything?

Bring back the blue Red Sox road alternates.

Buckle up, the playoffs means it’s peak performative szn.

It’s so seamless switching between the Amazon Prime app and the NESN 360 app!

When I’m sitting on the basement toilet, why does my wife always have to come downstairs and “do something” — every single time?

This Vrabel story unfortunately overshadowed the Red Sox’ first series win of the season.

If you didn’t like Justin Bieber’s Coachella set, just say you simply don’t get it. It was an intimate masterpiece that could only work for 1% of musicians (if that). Bravo, Justin Bieber and welcome back Kidrauhl.

I haven’t seen an Italian get cooked like this since Sacco & Vanzetti.

Will Smith thinks Dianna’s husband is too deeply into the cuckold lifestyle.

Cancer is clearly mad at Dick Vitale for all that fundraising.

the omnipresent Rich Hill going to end up in the Red Sox bullpen in late August.

Airports reveal character. And it’s always someone in an Eagles shirt.

And so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what’s in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so, I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs, “What’s going on?”

And I say, hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
I said, “Hey, a-what’s going on?”
And I say, hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
I said, “Hey, a-what’s going on?”

Poor Di Russini loses her job while Peter Schrager proudly wears knee pads over his dress pants to orally service any member of the McVay coaching tree.

Honk if you remember Post Offices being open until midnight on Tax Deadline Day.

If my daughter tells me she wants to “work in sports,” I’m trebucheting her to a convent.

BJBSJ getting Kacsmar canceled saved him from going down with the Football Outsiders ship eleven years later! You’re welcome.

Can’t wait to see the team chemistry when Fudd and Bueckers break up.

I always keep my bottle of Frank’s Red Hot next to the DayQuil.

Bruins 7th Player Award-Minten is fine, I guess, but how is it not Aspirot?

I don’t think you can canoodle innocently.

Shams Charania is fucking Cathy Engelbert. Everybody know it and nobody says anything about it.

I aspire to have the job security of Aaron Boone and Alex Cora.

Best bet for the weekend: Marathon prep.

Less than ideal.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, @PatriotsDaily, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Standard deduction.

This is Ashley Nicole Moss, she has a journalism degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude … so what are we talking about?

04/08/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Probably nothing.

Best friends hold hands all the time. What’s the problem?

You can’t win them every year, UConn. That goes for the men as well as the women.

Red Sox are AIDSier than that lesion on Cora’s face.

This year’s Celtics broad cast was better than the one last year, I guess.

I assure you, there are still white people at Fenway.

Geekie off the schnied. The rest of the Black & Gold? eh.

I think the powers that be have drastically overestimated people’s desire for more Kelce family content.

First they say Bill is too hostile to the media. Now this. Make up your mind, people.

Cakes are coking for Stuart Pankin, Tim Thomerson, Steve Howe, Jim Lampley, Mel Schacher, Adam Woods, Barbara Kingsolver, Kane Hodder, Fred Smerlas, John Schneider, Izzy Stradlin, Julian Lennon, Terry Porter, Lisa Guerrero, Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Alex Gonzalez, Emma Caulfield, Jeremy Guthrie, Taylor Kitsch, Gennady Golovkin, Ezra Koenig, Félix Hernández, Matthew Healy, CeeDee Lamb, and Isaac Hempstead Wright.

Yeah, let’s get NFL-like catch rules for baseball. That’ll go great. ‘You have to make a baseball move after you catch it.’

Courtney Love looks absolutely nothing like Courtney Love.

It was a magnanimous gesture for Geno to offer that insincere apology.

Anthony Lopopolo is JK Rowling character levels of hilarious. Why not just name him ‘Vowels Spaghettini?’

Hey gang of reply guys, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I was disappointed that you were joking, then I clicked the probable spam and was disappointed you were telling the truth.”

Will Flemming should be shot into the sun for promising me smiles.

Lakers fans complaining about Luka and Reaves being injured, try dealing with consecutive first round picks DYING and get back to me.

Maybe Mike Vrabel is just an affectionate greeter?

LMAO at Barkley pretending he pays attention to women’s basketball.

Bodhisattva, would you take me by the hand?

Word of advice, if you have bipolar or another mental illness, don’t jack up your credit cards when in a mania or in a depression…use cash! Interest is a nasty mofo.

Drew Carter is morphing into Chris Forsberg.

Remember, weakness is just pain leaving the body.

The Section 10 podcast has been dropped by more platforms than Katie Nolan.

Don’t worry, guys, I’m sure Mike Reiss will hold Coach Vrabes accountable.

“Portuguese pulled pork” is what Sal calls a handjob.

The Michigan guys look taller because their numbers are so small and set high.

Flavor Flav passing Snoop as our most Reddit-coded rapper.

Dianna’s not perverted; she’s just Italian.

I will remember you
Your silhouette will charge the view
Of distant atmosphere
Call it morning driving through the sound
And even in the valley.

In and around the lake
Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there
One mile over we’ll be there and we’ll see you
Ten true summers we’ll be there and laughing, too
24 before my love you’ll see I’ll be there with you.

I look forward to Chuck Klosterman’s next book where he writes about “How the Challenger Explosion Explains the ABS Era.”

Your insole size is the same as your shoe size.

Sir Paul McCartney doesn’t get enough credit for the “Spies Like Us’ song.

Puka is going to Nazi rehab?

Honk if you remember David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Triston. Not #owning.

Vrabes will now have to interlock fingers with Karen Guregian the next time he sees her. All fix!

Whether it’s a hotel in Chicago on the Artemis II spacecraft, breaking the toilet will make you feel like a numrod.

Blink and you missed it, but Don Orsillo was back in town during the series against the Padres!

Jerry Thornton is really scared he’s going to join his brothers in hell.

CVS not immediately offering the Easter candy at 50% off is a breach of the unwrittens.

A little hand-holding is all Peter King ever really wanted.

Congratulations, Steve Burton.

Cooper Flagg is just unbelievable.

Best bet for the weekend: it coming down to the final hole on the last day at Augusta National.

Deleted. But the foreverality of the interwebs and things like that.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friends Hacksaw and Miserable Fellow, @PatriotsDaily, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Perfect for entertaining, or just snacking.

And happy birthday to actress Kirsten Storms.

« Older Entries