Author Archives: scartsy15

12/07/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Battleship USS Arizona baseball team, circa 1925. Photo: University of Arizona Special Collections

Finding out today that another home-grown Boston Red Sox player wouldn’t re-sign with the team would be the worst thing to ever happen on December 7th.

Remember, Team USA is young. Keep telling yourself that.

If only Ben Volin had reason not to be so trusting about what to click on in his Twitter DM’s. Sad.

Now Bruce Cassidy can stop crying himself to sleep. Probably.

Xander? X-Man? Xan? Bogie? Big X? Xanderino?

Regarding PFF’s layoffs: I haven’t seen so many grinders go down at once since Joe Murray’s last visit to the North End.

Oh well, if Alabama’s losses were on the last play then they’re really undefeated.

That was Boston’s 8th straight win vs. Brooklyn? If it gets to 10 then Brooklyn has to give Gang Starr back…

Cakes are cooking for Johnny Bench, Susan Collins, Larry Bird, Peter Laviolette, C. Thomas Howell, Terrell Owens, Shiri Appleby, Sara Bareilles, and John Terry.

I’m hearing whispers that Eastern Standard will return in 2023.

I love how the music stations around here insist on covering sports.  If I wanted to hear the opinion of someone who doesn’t understand football I would turn on the sports radio station.

Maybe Jon Heyman thinks it’s funny to mock what an Arson Judge does just past the anniversary of that terrible Worcester fire, but I don’t find if very funny.

Patricia doesn’t know what he’s doing! Admit it! Admit it!

Please board Fitchburg Line Train 416 (1:09 pm from Littleton/Route 495) on the outbound platform (Track 1) at West Concord and Concord today.

Kenley? That’s a girl’s name.

Hey gang of final countdowners, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Splash the Zeros.”

Frank Martin seems legit.

A major change for the Bills: Coach Sean McDermott announces that Von Miller did have exploratory surgery yesterday and they ended up repairing his ACL. He’s out for the season.

Steps for a successful marriage: 1 – don’t fuck your black coworker.

Well, he gave her a dimestore watch
And a ring made from a spoon
Everyone is looking for someone to blame
But you share my bed, you share my name
Well, go ahead and call the cops
You don’t meet nice girls in coffee shops
She said baby, I still love you
Sometimes there’s nothin’ left to do

Oh you got to
Hold On, Hold On
Baby got to Hold On
Take my hand, I’m standing right here,
You got to Hold On.

Kenley Jansen and Xander Bogaerts grew up on neighboring islands (Curaçao and Aruba). Jansen speaks 5 languages, Bogaerts 4. They’re two of the only players in the league who speak Papiamento. Both represented the Netherlands in the 2017 WBC.

Is Florida State in Colorado? Like one of those Miami of Ohio situations?

Goodbye to Krystie Alley!

Penalty kicks. The great un-equalizer.

Just saw Drew Brees’ face. Lighting strikes are no joke! Wait, what?

A new Red Sox ownership group would tear out Linda’s rooftop gardens. We can’t let that happen.

Every time I hear ‘Yodny Cajuste’ I think he should be the Blue Jays 4th outfielder from 2002.

Value of Judge No. 62 home run ball being auctioned just went up. Being a lifetime Yankee makes it more valuable.

Honk if you remember when Shea was in the minors.

These World Cup wins has Portugal ready to party like its 1499!

Top Gun can’t be gay; Kelly McGillis is in it.

The Los Angeles/California/Anaheim Angels have now been a part of the American League for more than one-half of the league’s history. They are the only expansion franchise that can make that claim. There will not be another for at least 14 years.

The eventual fate of the Pearl Harbor raid participant cruiser IJN Tone could have been written by O Henry.

Wasabi Fenway Bowl fever grips Hub.

What exactly did Nia think the C’s could do about Ime? Say nothing?

Jimmy G thinks AD is always hurt but never injured.

I’m pretty sure if we had a De’vante Bausby I’d remember that.

MLB contracts are getting into crazy number of years! There: I said it.

Best bet for the weekend: Arizona sunshine disinfects the Patriots offensive woes.

A Happy Birthday to Australian actress Emily Browning.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Barrelling down the boulevard. You’re looking for the heart of Saturday night.

And Happy Birthday to Priscilla Barnes. But not Joann Witty.

11/30/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Christian Pulisic moving around fine on the pelvis that got contused during his game winning goal.

You think this Celtics team looks good now just wait until they hire Mark Jackson or Juwan Howard!

We are the Boston bruins And in TD Garden..good luck.

I hope genius Coach McVay is okay after that helmet-to-face collision. He may have forgotten some play sequences from a game he saw seven years ago!

The Red Sox are quite surprised their generous offer was not the winning bid for that player’s services!

A belated Happy thanksgiving to all. Even the couple losers I know, thankful for your stupidity.

Really though; what is a catch these days? I used to think ‘Brazilian Supermodel’, but now I’m not so sure.

Why aren’t you Hailing the Victors?

Cakes are cooking for Ridley Scott, Terrence Malick, David Mamet, June Chadwick, Bob Tewksbury, Bo Jackson, Ben Stiller, Aldair, Iván Rodríguez, Elisha Cuthbert, Chrissy Teigen, and Kaley Cuoco.

Ocean Water is not consumable for humans.

If you post an actual photo of you as your pfp because you think it gives you the high ground over Spiderman avis that’s your choice. But people are within their rights to post it back at you in an argument and say your wife looks like the guy from Smashmouth. It’s just the rules.

When Tom Cuddy was in fifth grade, the local YMCA took a bunch of children to tour WBZ radio in Boston.

If you clap sarcastically when the Patriots force a Buffalo punt, they will be shamed into playing better!

Hey there, gang of ratio enjoyers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Bro your name is Albert.”

The NFL had Bebe Rexha performing over in a corner of the Detroit Lions playing field? That’s not to be done.

Middleborough, Kingston & Greenbush Lines Diversion On the weekend of December 3-4, express buses will replace regular train service between South Station and Braintree. Passengers to/from Quincy Center or JFK/UMass will be accommodated by a bus making local Red Line stops.

It’s November. Good time for a March Madness-style bracket.

Stidhsy is winning at life.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Steelers RB Najee Harris, who was ruled out of Monday night’s game with an abdominal injury, did not suffer a major injury, sources say. His status this week is up in the air, and he’ll be reevaluated as the practice week goes on. But no significant injury is good news.

I hear Ray Bourque is intrigued by those giant hats.

So many exclamation points!!

When you hear the music you make a dip
Into someone else’s pocket then make a slip
Steal a car and go to Las Vegas, ooh, the gigolo pool
Hanging out by the state line, turning holy water into wine
Drinking it down, oh-oh-oh
Aw, I’m on a bus on a psychedelic trip
Reading murder books, tryin’ to stay hip
I’m thinkin’ of you, you’re out there so
Say your prayers.

What the fuck would Twellman know about the World Cup?

Syracuse. Detroit Mercy. Both 3-4, with losses to Bryant.

Best movie endings ever? Shawshank Redemption? and Casablanca? You be the judge. @wbznewsradio

If Wales had beat England with there being no current Prince of there they would have been allowed to leave.

Is Drake a Don?

Please keep sharing those graphics showing who you listened to the most this past year.

How do you not resist walking around to your Bronco fan buddies and randomly asking them, “Did you know that Russell Wilson has never received a single MVP vote?”

Honk if you remember Genoese statesman and admiral Andrea Doria.

Nick Wright looks like the bad guy in a Romanian soap opera.

The Bogaerts situation is reminiscent of what happened with Jon Lester, who rejected a $70m offer from the Red Sox and got $155m from the Cubs later in the same year.

George Lopez. Delivering the unfunny sitcom lines Americans won’t do!

Still tired. What’s the half-life of tryptophan?

Pro tip: it’s pronounced FEE-FAH.

I feel that Peter Gammons is a figure worthy of some permanent award.

Best bet for the weekend: A stunning World Cup upset.

Bourque looks like he shot and killed Halyna Hutchins while Chara looks like a llama who subscribed to the TB12 method.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesMitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW poster BrianInWA, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. We all came out to Montreux on the Lake Geneva shoreline.

And HBD to Dian Parkinson.

11/23/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

I give this column Three Gobbles. Happy Thanksgiving.

One thousand NHL points for the Bruins captain. Pretty neat.

Bubble Boy Buffalo Bills.

No Jaylen, those weren’t the Steppin’ Shukri’s outside of Barclays showing support for Kyrie.

Yes, but Wales cares about soccer.

John. Young. Brown. Junior. Former Celtics owner. One-time Governor of Kentucky. American. RIP.

Cakes are cooking for Dale Sveum, Brian Glynn, Jim Pyne, Vin Baker, Adam Eaton, Jonathan Papelbon, Nicklas Backstrom, Gabriel Landeskog, and Miley Cyrus.

Congratulations to the UMass Men’s Basketball Team for winning the Myrtle Beach Invitational.

Forest Inn Coney Dogs never disappoint.

Yes yes, of course you can bring your yams to Thanksgiving!

There are no famous NBA trainers, only infamous ones.

Update: Normal boarding has resumed for all Lowell Line trains at West Medford and Wedgemere.

Hey there, gang of World Cup enthusiasts/hooligans! This week’s Phrase that pays is, “Great kits out there on the pitch!”

Why would you root for the team playing against the college football powerhouse? No reason?

Today I feel Qatari. I feel Arab. I feel African. I feel gay. I feel disabled. I feel like a migrant worker. I feel charming. Oh so charming. It’s alarming how charming I feel.

Falcons TE Kyle Pitts’ season is done after an MRI confirmed he has a torn MCL, per league source. @RapSheet 1st.

Rita Moreno: Y

Karalis calling something ugly? He looks like a potato that got left in a hot car.

7 episodes into Andor now and they have not missed even one time. Let Susanna White direct an SW movie, please, Mr. Felloni.

Ames is returning. Can Zayre’s be far behind?

Grandpa, were he here, would tell you they would feed the yams to the pigs, they weren’t considered people food. But yours are fine!

I hear Mobile is the New Orleans of Alabama.

The cvnty Patriots tweet/Green Monster cover photo corollary is superseded only by the JetBlue Park cover photo. Both of which are dwarfed by four team logo profile pic. Which is obliterated by the Lakers/Patriots/Euro soccer team bio line.

Real business is done on paper.

A day or two ago, the story I must tell
I went out on the snow and on my back I fell
A gent was riding by in a one-horse open sleigh
He laughed as there I sprawling lie, but quickly drove away.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh.

I know NFL wide receivers like going for the one-hand catches, but if they can catch it with two, that still seems like a better plan.

Does Tomáš Nosek have a nickname?

‘NBA trainers’ are what the Brits call basketball sneakers.

I like to think that old friend Pats67’s new Buffalo pals found Nick Cafardo’s lost hat, and now worship it.

Following up: The Atlanta Falcons have placed Kyle Pitts on IR for a minimum of 4 games. Unfortunately, the below-mentioned tweet will still materialize as far as the injury concluding Pitts’ season, as previously mentioned per league source.

Josina Josaywhat?

Honk if you remember any of the 1971, 1987, or 1989 Thanksgiving Day snowstorms.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.

I wonder if tax fraud is part of former NBA official Ken Mauer’s religion too.

If Twitter’s going out, let’s do it right. My mom played Warren Devon at her funeral and if I had one, I’d do the same. (I won’t.)

Absolutely astonishing to me how many people still don’t get Marcus Semien.

These are your yams? Well what you have here are actually sweet potatoes. Which you added brown sugar and a honey glaze too. You brought diabetes to our Thanksgiving table.

Just skate your lane, National Hockey League.

Re: Sean Kugler & Mexico City, 700 years of culture dating back to Tenochtitlan, and all anyone thinks of is ‘donkey show.’

On the Sports Huddle, was a Four Gobbles rating a good thing, or a bad thing?

Best bet for the weekend: Black Friday Deals abounding.

Center and Captain David Andrews. A tough hombre.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesMitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Enjoy your Thanksgiving. And also: perhaps people hate you because you’re a smarmy anjerk, Greg Bedard.

And a happy birthday to English model, actress, and media personality Kelly Brook. Big bouncy personality.

11/16/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

To the Moon, Artemis, to the Moon!

‘Celtics Fans demand Tatum be named NBA MVP right now’ is the MVP of straw man bad faith arguments.

Nineteen Bruins skaters have scored at least one goal this season, with The Great Kid netting nine of ’em.

Here’s hoping the Red Sox can lure back some of their 2023 free agents.

Man, imagine if all that rain had stayed snow?

I thought Brazilians all knew capoeira? Why did Gisele even need a Jui-jitsu instructor? That’s on Tom.

Also, ‘Capoeira’ sounds like the title of a Winter Hill Gang underboss.

If the analytics people want to do something good work on convincing people that the prevent D up by one score is idiocy.

Cakes are cooking for Ebby Thust, David Leisure, Shigeru Miyamoto, Terry Labonte, Frank Bruno, Mina Garrison, Tim Scott, Lisa Bonet, Sedrick Shaw, Oksana Baiul, and Amar’e Stoudemire.

Real missed opportunity not having Riri Williams holding a Dunkin’ Donuts cup in her hand during her introduction. Be better, Feige.

Hold on a minute. MAGA Nicky had her feet amputated?

Jaylen Brown is going to be poor if he keeps dropping all these dimes all over the place.

I hope Tay-Tay saw my setlist suggestions.

News Item: Lil’Jordan Humphries released after team determined he was actually not Lil. At all.

El*n! Lolololol!

Providence Line Train 818 (11:15 am from Providence) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Providence and South Station. Fitchburg Line Train 409 (9:30 am from North Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Shirley and Wachusett. Haverhill Line Train 205 (9:40 am from North Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between North Wilmington and Haverhill due to train traffic.

Mercury Morris? Still alive. The Mercury division of Ford? Dead. Life is unfair.

Hey gang of interns! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘I’m pretty sure my first crush was the guy on the Brawny paper towels.”

‘I’m not tryin’ to make you, I don’t want to touch your skin,
I know all there is to know about you and all your sins.
Well, you ain’t too young or pretty and you sure as hell can’t sing,
Any time you want to sell your soul
I’ve got a toll-free number you can ring.’

‘Oh-eight-oh-oh-triple-six-oh, yeah
Oh-eight-oh-oh-triple-six-oh, yeah.’

If the Bills manage to back into the playoffs they could be a frisky little squad going on the road in the Wild Card round.

A ten dollar per day charge for making International calls? That doesn’t sound right.

Apple pie toast isn’t a thing.

Rams coach Sean McVay confirms that WR Cooper Kupp has a high ankle sprain and he will have tightrope surgery tomorrow. Headed to IR, he’s out at least four weeks.

Archaic!

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

In-laws visiting for the holidays gives you a great chance to catch up on all those CBS procedural shows you’ve been successfully avoiding.

Honk if you remember the SS Edmund Fitzgerald.

Pucks on net, Jack.

f. You could learn something about pageantry and showmanship from Munich, Anne Frank House.

I hope the performances from the other teams in the city will help pressure the Red Sox into actually spending some money this offseason.

How’s tis for English..

Yuppie coffee shops taste better when you don’t pay.

Wasn’t Arcand fired by WEEI? Great get, tho.

You don’t need to say “I’m a hokie but” before offering condolences to the UVA shooting.

Denny Walling should have played for the Red Sox.

If only a prominent NFL coach had been advocating for everything to be reviewable for the last decade plus or so.

Lotta good squads in the Big East Men’s Basketball.

Happy Anniversary, Entitled Weekend crew!

Best bet for the weekend: Rex Ryan yapping up a storm with them ridiculous fake choppers.

Overcast. Patriots. Practice.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesMitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW poster NorwoodZip, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Love spreads her arms (&) Waits there for the nails. I forgive you, boy. I will prevail.

And a Happy Birthday to Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin.

11/09/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

2022 World Series winning Houston Astros players hoist the MLB Commissioner’s Trophy, one of the most recognizable in all of sports. – Adam Jones

Congratulations Astros. They should lean into the ‘cheater’ black hat team persona. Maybe get Lance Armstrong to throw out the first pitch next season.

The throwback Bruins sweaters evoke feelings of nostalgia.

Philadelphia is going to be heartbroken again when they eventually learn they also lost the MLS Championship thing.

Give Mac access during the bye week to the 3rd down plays out of the Zappe playbook Bill!

Boston 1 Woston 0.

Aaron Carter is clearly retaliation for Takeoff.

That Miller signing was an own goal off your dick, Bruins.

Bills 0-2 in the tomato can AFCE division?

Cakes are cooking for Lou Ferrigno, Todd Gill, Bill Guerin, Chris Jericho, Susan Tedeschi, David Duval, Jimmy Hitchcock, Sisqó, and Adam Dunn.

Give me Matthew McConaughey press conferences all fucking day.

Can’t find a recipe (which tells me it’s a bad idea) – what happens if I mix up a negroni and put it in an ISI Siphon?

All the biggest media personalities walk home.

“The Colts signed Jeff Saturday to be their head coach? That’s bananas.” – Aaron Boone

Lanyards!

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man! I don’t know how I get away with it.

BROGDON should always be capitalized, in the way WARRIOR Ice Arena is.

Does Big Jim’s phone receive election information too?

Red Sox decline James Paxton’s option. He got paid $10 million to throw as many pitches as I did. Hot stove!!

Commuter Rail Fairmount Line Weekend Diversion – On the weekend of November 19th and 20th, buses will replace regular train service between Readville & South Station to allow for work on a switch replacement project.

No, baby, I said “terrible punt”.

Chaim Bloom said Oct. 6 that Xander Bogaerts is the Red Sox’s No. 1 priority. But the team also is preparing a Plan B in case he leaves.

Why is Dan Orlovsky wearing Sir Elton John’s glasses?

I want whoever came up with that awful Car Shield commercial with Ric Flair to go to jail.

You can tell it’s the Standard Time because it lasts almost half the year.

Pierre Nightmare! Sacre bleu!

Hey Space City gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Handle your liquor, stinkman.”

News Item: Russians to send convicted WNBA star Britney Griner to an undisclosed penal colony. I didn’t think Griner even likes penals?

I never had a damn thing, but what I had
I had to leave it behind
You’re the hardest thing
I ever tried to get off my mind
Always something greener on the other side of that hill
I was born a wrangler and a rounder
And I guess I always will.

Heard it in a love song
Heard it in a love song
Heard it in a love song
Can’t be wrong.

My mother went to the doctor today. She brought the doc a can of tuna from Spain with a little bow. If my mom gives you a can of tuna from Spain, she really likes you.

“I’m happy for Dusty Baker.” For why?

Say ‘quartile’ more.

Honk if you remember ‘Sing Along With Mitch’.

I think I might apply to be the Colts running backs coach or something, seems like they just glance at resumes, give you your key card and tell you where the cafeteria is.

The Worcester Railers are 9-0-0. The have the momentum of a, oh, you know.

Coogler did it again, didn’t he?!

Grow up. Tom Brady is not coming back to play for New England.

Pulled Pork Taco? #SignMeUp

Robert Francis “‘Beto” O’Rourke seems like he’d be easier to vote for than 90% of our options, but his career is going nowhere as long as he is working Texas. It’s like taking the fastest greyhound in the world and entering him in the Kentucky Derby. Greyhounds just don’t beat horses at that distance.

Zach Braff looks like he was dipped in wax.

I hope before his term as Governor is done, Charlie Baker gets in on the act and sends a planeload of Irish bartenders that overstayed their work visas to Colorado or somewhere.

Connecticut’s Own Joey Logano. Penske material, and now a two-time NASCAR Cup Series Champion.

Would the Colts bringing in Ime for an interview satisfy the Rooney Rule?

Peter McNab. Gone too soon. Rest in peace.

Best bet for the weekend: Germans depressed that Gisele will not be there for the Bucs/Seahawks game in Munich.

The only Mitch Miller we will tolerate. Barely.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW poster Laszlo Panaflex and Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Change your life, bro.

And a Bon Anniversaire to Canadian snowboarder Dominique Maltais.

11/02/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Hampsy helping pull a victory from the jaws of defeat against Pittsburgh in OT.

News Item: Red Sox graciously allow other AL squads to win Golden Glove Awards. Again.

This Bruins team is showing signs of being special, even more special than Charlie Jacobs’ most special mare.

If you are denigrating an in-Conference win at an opposing stadium, that’s on you, reader!

Short Story: The Nets see a mattress on the curb with INFESTED WITH BEDBUGS spray painted on it: “Hmm, what’s the catch?” And local (+ Sactown) area dummies, watching the Nets appraise the mattress: “Go outside and tell them that will cost them $100!’

‘Snowy Ramble’ is an anagram for Wosny Lambre.

Mull on that.

I hope World Series Game Seven won’t conflict with the Thanksgiving Day NFL games. First to the joke!

Bring more leftover Halloween candy into the office.

Cakes are cooking for Ken Rosewall, Dave Stockton, Stefanie Powers, Alan Jones, Jason Smith, Orlando Cabrera (allegedly), Roddy White, and Danny Cipriani.

I was hoping Nets assistant Schlomo Finklestein would be given a chance take over as interim HC for the fired Steve Nash.

Don’t blame me because you don’t understand what you said.

Change your life, bro.

Mattapan Trolley Update: Regular service is operating this morning.

A great god-nephew sounds like a real thing.

I hope the Red Sox weren’t hoping against hope that Chris Sale would opt out of receiving 55 million dollars.

Takeoff just wanted his flowers. And now he’ll get them. Sad.

An anagram for Wosny Lambre is ‘Womanly Serb.’

Hey gang of affiliated podbros, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The answer is literally in the pudding.”

Do you remember that day (that sunny day)
When you first came my way?
I said no one could take your place
And if you get hurt (if you get hurt)
By the little things I say
I can put that smile back on your face

Ooh, and it’s alright and it’s coming along
We gotta get right back to where we started from.

It has been a tumultuous time for the Colts offense, as they benched QB Matt Ryan and now fired OC Marcus Brady. They are 3-4-1 with a chance to hit a stride. A lot on coach Frank Reich’s plate now.

Can Dov Kleiman swing a monthly charge for his bluecheck?

To be fair, it’s not surprising an electrician doesn’t understand what ‘gaslighting’ is.

Sometimes flea flickers have such down bad energy.

Pro Tip: A perfectly delivered ‘well said’ is sure to spice up your marriage!

Hypocrisy is, after all, the homage vice pays to virtue.

Christian McCaffrey’s 49ers locker is in between George Kittle’s and Charvarius Ward’s and right across from Jimmy Garoppolo’s.

All the F bombs mixed in with the annoying lisps make them sound extra tough.

Don’t believe Mac Jones was actually sacked, sheeple! He was inviting Lawson into the backfield for a gay tryst and fell down! Look at the evidence!

‘Many Bowlers’ is an anagram for Wosny Lambre.

I’ve found one positive change on Twitter so far; I can now share beheading videos.

Yesterday I passed a tow truck and the poor driver was sobbing uncontrollably. I thought, “He’s headed for a breakdown.”

I keep wanting to call all the Michaela’s at work, ‘Michelle’, because that’s what they would have been named had they been born when I was.

Honk if you remember Tom Thacker.

Attention all philosophy professors: from now on, Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel is to be known as Georg WTF Hegel. You’re welcome.

Lot of experts on how to break windows with hammers out here.

I once told a parent who was upset that I didn’t plan on giving his kids any candy that I did not celebrate pagan rituals in my house. First thing out of his mouth, in front of his kids? “Fuck you.” I bet he voted for Trump.

Hampsy? If so; HAMPSY!!

Why all the yellow seats, John Henry?

Nothing like the ripe smell of porta potties to wake you up in the morning.

Yo ho, yo ho; a pirate’s life for me.

I’m sure Kyrie also knows this great documentary about how men are falsely accused of misbehavior by women all the time.

Wosny Lambre may be a bad person.

Best bet for the weekend: one last batch of Maggie Hassan ads, pro and con.

Portugal is actually smaller than Spain. From @TerribleMaps.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, BSMW poster Miserable Fellow, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Come on and lead me on. Come on and tease me all night long. Loving you, I know it’s right, I’ll always need you, I’ll never leave you.

And a happy birthday to Swedish Biathlete Hanna Öberg. Grattis på födelsedagen!

10/27/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

A Halloween pumpkin patch at night under a full moon with vampire bats in the night sky.

Everyone NE fan at the Monday Night Football must have felt like they wasted a night waiting for The Great Pumpkin instead of trick-or-treating.

Bruins have been skating their winning lane and aren’t yet at full strength.

Brian Cashman fears no reprisals!

Really, really need a home win this weekend UMass Football.

At least the Celtics can still go 81-1.

I’m hearing that Red Sox assistant GM Eddie Romero visited Rafael Devers in the Dominican Republic on his birthday so he could personally count the number of candles on the cake.

Cakes are cooking for John Cleese, Lee Greenwood, Patty Sheehan, Rick Carlisle, John Kasay, Vernon Lewis, Kristi Richards, Brady Quinn, and Lonzo Ball.

The Astros pitching staff has cornered the market on shitty hairstyles.

All Rockport Line Commuter Rail trains will terminate and originate at Salem until further notice due to a signal issue. The Beverly to Rockport shuttle bus will accommodate passengers to and from Salem station.

Keep the silver game pants, Pats. Lose the Bad Idea jeans, Bill.

Bert Breer tweeting about Jalen Hurts in an Astros hat is Peak Bert Breer. Well, it was until his follow-up tweet, I guess. Still stand by my point, though.

People are acting surprised that Eric Hosmer is blocking Padres fans on Twitter. To be honest I’m surprised more athletes don’t do it. Former Boston Bruins defenseman Dougie Hamilton blocked me and I didn’t even know he was on Twitter. Not sure what I did, but Dougie’s loss.

Kyle Lowry is fat enough to work for 98.5. JK, fatness aside, he is otherwise ineligible to work for the Sports Hub.

Ted Johnson has white knights? Huh.

So wait, I’m supposed to get different candy in case trick or treaters come by who claim to have peanut allergies? Nut allergies are made up, like, ‘fibromyalgia’, or ‘long COVID’, or ‘thyroid cancer.’

When the Patriots aren’t playing on Sunday, and the Bruins and Celtics both have the day off as well, Red Zone Channel is an extra great treat.

Children born in 1989, the year “Seinfeld” premiered, are now the same age as George Costanza on that show.

Ava Raine has that Alexa Ray Joel ‘looks like her dad’ thing going on. Unfortunately.

Hey gang of sensibly proportioned people, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So there are illegal midgets out there?”

Does anybody know how the story really goes
Or do we all just hum along
Sell your soul and sign an autograph

Big bang baby, it’s a crash, crash, crash
I wanna die, but I gotta laugh
Orange crush mama is a laugh, laugh, laugh
Spin me up, spin me, spin me out.

Apparently the cure for cancer is VIP tix to the Patriots and a Kraft, Bon Jovi meet and greet. Moonshot! Thank you Joe Biden!

James Gunn about to pump out some more HITS, we’re eating good!

Following an offseason in which they were severely limited in terms of cap flexibility and without a first-round pick, the Bears are now set to enter the 2023 offseason with picks to draft with and by far the most cap space in the NFL ($100M+). Plenty of resources to work with.

Love how they say its the mile high club. But it’s really 6 miles and change lol do your math. Regardless…. It’s awesome.

I was watching the Phillies/Astros 1980 NLCS game. Luzinski was a big Polack.

Pasta’s Good Kid-ness is enduring.

“I feel great”, I think those were Oscar Wilde’s last words.

The site could use a dedicated coffee mug salesman.

There are 29% more games in which a player scores exactly 1 run than games with 1 RBI. But 2 Runs Scored and 2 RBI are almost perfectly even, and there are 8 times as many games in which a batter drives in 4 runs than games in which he scores 4. 5 runs/RBI, 70 times as many.

Danielle Murr was back in radio?

You’re never out of the game if Stephen Curry is on your team.

I thought TIE Fighters couldn’t operate in planetary atmosphere. Is this something from the computer games that is no longer considered canon, or am I just misremembering?

Honk if you remember Banana Milk Duds.

So glad David Ortiz didn’t do what Tom Brady is doing. As sad as his retirement was, he went out on top.

Zappe gets the Glengarry Playbook.

Who knew Antonio Brown was a scorpion? Besides everybody.

Is Bet with Dicey worth a look every week? It is if you like winning money! BET!

Grant Williams is innocent!!

TMZ gave Jerry Lee Lewis the ol’ Pat Burns dead/not dead treatment?

World Series’ that involve teams that switched Leagues just hit different.

Watching the video of Harper’s homer back and … wow, that camera guy on the field while he rounds the bases is really intrusive. May be just me, maybe got great shots, but that’s history and injecting the cameras into it feels off to me.

Weird that there was no mention of Ben Volin in Chad Finn’s Boston Sunday Baseball Paper media column.

Congratulations to Elon on purchasing Twitter low after the company’s stock price tanked.

Best bet for the weekend: cocky Jets fans.

It’s Going to be Scary, Kevin.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do? I follow.

Sorry for the delay. (shrug) Happy PreFriday.

BdlG showing a scary amount of leg.

10/19/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Yes, Benjamin. Yes you are.

Bill Russell no doubt approved the Celtics beating Philadelphia in the opener.

Goal scoring so far doesn’t look to be a problem for the Bruins.

Is Bailey Zappe a system quarterback yet?

It’s time for Steve Perrault to embrace his true vocation: playing Uncle Fester in a dinner-theatre troupe.

Were Stidhsy and Kennedy invited to the wedding?

Cakes are cooking for John Lithgow, Lynn Dickey, Evander Holyfield, Brad Daugherty, Jon Favreau, Prakazrel Michel, and Louis Oosthuizen.

The newspaper helped promote MLB to kids as much as anything. We used to read box scores and league leaders for hours, plus the baseball cards. Kids don’t do any of that anymore.

Gregg Popovich, the unofficial sommelier of the NBA, has six players on his roster who cannot legally drink.

DC should only let Matt Reeves and James Gunn touch their properties. Put the adults in charge.

NESN blows. Sure, spend all your money on digital boards that at best distract and at worst don’t track correctly while not getting the audio to work.

Calm down Marty Mornhinweg.

Blue Line Update: The work scheduled for the rest of this week has been cancelled.

Cute, fun, made up story, Ben!

Adalberto Mondesi is 27 now. Does he still have a chance to be a good player, or is he out of time?

There’s no electrical plates in here!

Celtics interim head coach Joe Mazzula burns off nervous energy by chewing gum. Ime should have tried that.

Brady skipped two practices and a walkthrough this week and had the balls to yell at his linemen during the game?

Hampsy?

How does Netflix not have Snoop Dogg’s voice saying “so just chill ’til the Next Episode” when you hit ‘still watching?’

Tyquan Thornton should wear 3-inch thick wristbands.

Glad to see Bill Russell’s widow getting some airtime. She’s earned it.

If you have two Mike Florios you really don’t have any.

‘The 76’ers are letting the Celtics take open shots in game 1 of 82 in case they see them again 7 months from now in the playoffs’ is a wild theory, Sam Vecenie. Wild.

Meghan Markle thought she was going to use her international relations degree for the role of “Suitcase Girl”?

Take all the time off you need, Carlos. Get your house in order, Media Mike.

Nick Wright is what DJ Bean would look like to me if I took acid and drank one Miller Lite.

Zappe Fever is not even a real medical condition, big brain.

News Item: Toucher and Rich bringing show producer Mike Lockhart back, and paying his entire salary. In a related story, Adam Jones to send Christian Arcand a ‘tough break, pal’ note, as soon as he finds out where he lives.

Slade’s Bar Grill is a Boston institution for a variety of reason.

I wish I was the brakeman
On a hurtlin’ fevered train
Crashing headlong into the heartland
Like a cannon in the rain.

With the beating of the sleepers
And the burnin’ of the coal
Counting the towns flashing by
In a night that’s full of soul.

With light in my head
You in my arms.

Springfield Thunderbirds looking for their first win of the AHL season in Laval tonight.

I wish Joe Torre was still involved in baseball somehow.

Who knew a lingering side effect of Sochi Stray Dog Eye AIDS was increased levels of pomposity?

Honk if you remember actress Zoe McClellan. And if you see her, idk, contact law enforcement, I guess.

Major League Baseball is better when the Yankees are contending for a World Series every season. There; I said it.

There’s just something special about physical tickets, very cool.

Bill Russell loved Aloe Blacc. And VistaPrint.

Tired: Everyone in the building hates Mac. Wired: Every other member of the local sports media hates Volin.

Have to believe #1 Son Jonathan gave dear old dad the lovely gift of an iron-clad prenuptial agreement.

Did Jack Easterby’s wife look back at the Texans facility and turn into a pillar of salt?

A least your Sounders are the CONCACAF Champs, Seattle.

Welcome to mortgage-free Wester Mass, Mark Daniels. Springfield; It’s like a baby Providence.

No driving angry, Bubba Wallace.

Taylor Heinicke takes over for Carson Wentz for now for the Commanders. Can he get the ball more to Terry McLaurin?

Best bet for the weekend: Yankees match up well against their nemesis Houston Astros.

Bill Russell. A great winner. Honor his memory this season, Celtics.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster Lefty, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Avarice and greed are gonna drive you over the endless sea. They will leave you drifting in the shallows or drowning in the oceans of history.

And Happy Birthday to Swedish actress Rebecca Ferguson.

10/13/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Czech Mates Pasta and Krejci. Reunited, and it feels so good.

The October Hunter’s moon has been so bright you could read a newspaper by it. If people still read newspapers.

Alphas don’t lock their twitter accounts.

Mookie Betts has one more post season RBI in a Red Sox uniform than Ian Kinsler, caller.

Deucedly polite of the Red Sox to not extend their season further into October so as to give the Bruins and Celtics the local spotlight.

A GOOSE! On the FIELD! During a Playoff Game! Can you BELIEVE it!?

Krejci had 4 points in his return to the US while Bitsy Griener rots in a Russian jail over a CBD vape pen.

Cakes are cooking for Mike Barnicle, Jerry Trupiano, John Ford Coley, Pat Day, Doc Rivers, Jerry Rice, Kate Walsh, Nancy Kerrigan, Summer Sanders, Roger Lima, Paul Pierce, and Park Ji-min.

Baseball injuries are so absurd… And this isn’t me saying “baseball players are pussies.” But in no other sport do dudes get hurt carrying deer meat up a flight of stairs, or burning themselves by ironing a shirt…while wearing the shirt.

When do we expect/estimate this year’s World Series to end, does anybody know?

MBTA Update: If you worked here, you’d be on your train right now.

It’s a fucking Drake lyric!

The Sullivan Tire commercials make me miss home.

Former Panthers coach Matt Rhule had several opportunities last offseason for big-time college jobs, but he turned them down to stay in Carolina. Now, he’ll have his choice of coveted college jobs.

Garapollo saving everyone’s ass out west. Good for you kid

Extra Toasty Cheez-It’s are a top tier snack.

Why do you hate sporting teams honoring indigenous peoples as worthy warriors?

Before the term “bullshit” moved into mass circulation, the term most often used for that was “bunk”. I think “bunk” was derived from an earlier term, “bunkum”. I think that usage of the word “bunk” is rapidly becoming archaic. I don’t think you hear or read it much anymore.

I want heart rate on players so bad. Test it like they do with mic-ing players up.

Hey gang, the sense I get from inside the building is that this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “This, presumably, is to set up a lawsuit.”

There’s two fake Justin Ramos’s. The real one and the other one.

Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Christian Arcand. Not anymore you’re not! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Yesterday was David. Lee. Henderson Day. The David before the David.

South Shore is the king of pizza while North Shore is the king of roast beef in this state.

Have 30 Seconds To Mars and 5 Seconds of Summer ever appeared at the same music festival before?

I’ll never understand the incessant noise they play at Dodger Stadium. It’s just plain obnoxious.

These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all

The way we look to a distant constellation
That’s dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don’t cry baby, don’t cry
Don’t cry.

Wait until Kirk investigates the Iroquois death on Season Three of ‘The Case’!

Honk if you remember the Cambridge Aku-Aku.

The Padres uniforms look like what I imagine Guatemalan UPS drivers wear.

Krejci, what is that, Italian?

Have fun making pizzas again Patriots practice squad feel-good story guy.

So the Tampa Bay Lightning abuse LTIR and underage high school girls, allegedly?

We need more political ads where the candidate’s family definitely loves them.

I feel bad for Tommy Trombone, or whoever they guy was the Mets closer entrance song was done by.

Best bet for the weekend: Coach Bill not being up front about injuries, not like cool Coach Shanny.

The majestic greater white-fronted goose.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Mama don’t take my Kodachrome away.

The late Angela Lansbury (circa mid 1940s). She didn’t always look old.

10/05/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

And now, the expected NFL equal and opposite over-reaction.

Not that this should be our first concern, but was there any damage to the Red Sox’ spring training complex when Ian went through Ft. Myers?  Anybody know?

You can’t spell ‘Moral Victory’ without an L. Sorrey!

The success of Brady’s marriage was all Belichick. Good job letting that amêijoa talk you out of New England only to get divorced anyway, Tom.

Bruins will have some tough roster decisions to make.

Giants quarterbacks Daniel Jones (ankle) and Tyrod Taylor (concussion) are injured. With the next game in London, anyone they sign will need to have a passport.

Mmm, yes, quite impressive, the American League 162 game season home run record. Wow.

Cakes are cooking for Clive Barker, Imrah Khan, Careca, Michael Andretti, Mario Lemieux, Patrick Roy, Josie Bissett, Grant Hill, Kate Winslet, and Javier Villa.

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall all alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops.

Celtics are still a couple players short…of being able to roll out a starting 5 who have been involved with one of Kris Jenner’s daughters!

Sliders are really just flattened meatballs.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing better to do this morning, weirdo?”

The Baseball Paper would like to point out the Red Sox will still end the year winning at least 60 more games than the Patriots will.

Who gets custody of Youk?

But if you get rid of the abusive youth coaches you won’t have youth sports.

Black guys love wearing hats of teams they don’t root for.

The “What does Vegas know?” guy is my favorite kind of dummy.

You go and apologize right now to Aaron Rodgers and Peter King you impudent young man!

Red Line Update: A wet leaf is reported to be on the tracks. Expect delays.

my name more precious to be diamonds n Gold

Y y’all keep playing with my character

they tried to barry me forgot i was a

Seed

The fat, sweaty bald guy who sings the chorus on Gangsta’s Paradise is still with us though, right?

If Arthur Fonzarelli were a Milwaukee City Councilman, what would he say to indicate a vote in the negative? Nayyyy!!

Father wears his Sunday best
Mother’s tired she needs a rest
The kids are playing up downstairs
Sister’s sighing in her sleep
Brother’s got a date to keep
He can’t hang around.

Our house, in the middle of our street.

Commanders RB Brian Robinson has been designated to return to practice. An incredible recovery after being shot last month. He can play as early as this Sunday.

Honk if you remember Socks Seybold.

Good job, UConn football.

First the Queen of England, now the Queen of Country. RIP, Loretta Lynn.

Sanibel was one of the most places I’ve been.

The Patriots are bringing out epic uniforms to play… the frigging Lions. Yuck!

Don’t tell me my package has arrived at the shipping location when all that really happened is that a label was printed.

Someone needs to reassure Benny and Vivi that even if Gisele and Tom do divorce, it doesn’t mean they will be treated like Jack.

You really can’t beat the ‘3 leather belts for $15’ deal in the Better Living Center during The Eastern States Exposition.

Force ghost Dick Rehbein advises Bill on drafting quarterbacks.

Running after that tire was a bad move, NASCAR Camping World Truck Series pit crew guy.

This crazy dude at Boca Pavilion that wore knee high socks on his arms talked like Antonio Brown raps. No difference.

Did Brian Hoyer watch MacGruber on the flight back from Wisconsin?

Christian Bale. Underrated.

Best bet for the weekend: Maggie Hassan ads on all the Boston stations.

For poor miseducated Bertie Breer.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Step Beyond!!

And a happy birthday to WCVB’s Chief Meteorologist Cindy Fitzgibbon.
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