Author Archives: scartsy15

11/17/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Charles Daniel ‘Chuck’ Cunningham, point guard, Jefferson HS (Milwaulkee, WI), Perdue University, NBA Detriot Pistons, Syracuse Nationals, Philadelphia 76ers. RIP.

The Patriots are 6-4. They are on a 4-game winning streak. Are in control of their playoff destiny. Watching the last seven games should be fun.

News Item: Fenway Sports Group in negotiations to buy the NHL Pittsburgh Penguins franchise.

E-Rod didn’t tip anyone off he was going to sign with Detroit?

Boston Globe Spotlight Team: Is Pastrnak Really a Good Kid? A Five-Part Investigation.

Zolak guessing the target pre-snap and being consistently wrong sure is fun.

Coach Udoka should call the ‘score more baskets during regulation’ play on the regular.

A one-all draw in a CONCACAF qualifier away against Jamaica? Worth a point.

Even Kyle Rittenhouse thinks Brian Burns is being a pussy about this.

idk who still needs to hear this but gaining wait is not a negative thing to be avoided at all costs

Cakes are cooking for Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Sean Miller, Eli Marrero, Lord Infamous, Katie Feenstra, and Nani.

Limo Wristlets!

Bruins need more goal scoring Charlies. Or not. Unsure as to the supply.

Make a note The real Irish call it Derry.

Jamie Collins (Senior) made one great play and then went on IR? That seems right.

Salutations, chums! This half-fortnight’s Precept that Renumerates is, “Well that’s a convenient line of logic and intellectual counter measure.”

Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When the waves turn the minutes to hours?
The searchers all say they’d have made Whitefish Bay
If they’d put fifteen more miles behind her.
They might have split up or they might have capsized
They may have broke deep and took water.
And all that remains is the faces and the names
Of the wives and the sons and the daughters

The Queen of England is 95 years young, I believe. I want to know what’s her secret to her long life. Is it all the tea?

I think T-Swift enters into doomed relationships just for the songwriting material.

Slice seed the last week of March. It will be mint by Mother’s Day. Black Beauty Ultra and 16-26-10 starter fertilizer.

Peter King: “The NFL triples down on the most insane officiating decision in memory. I wish Cassius Marsh could fight this one to the Supreme Court.” This officiating upsets Pete, but not the beta testing of new catch rules and a missed illegal formation during SB LII. Pumpkin headed moron with a hint of citrus.

Hearing that Julio Lugo died made me think he was already dead, but that was José Lima I was initially thinking of. RIP to both.

Red Line Braintree Branch: Delays of up to 15 minutes southbound due to a train with an earlier mechanical problem.

A: Buckley, Compton, Cox, Edwards, Huard, Izzo, Patten, Phifer, Pleasant, Smith, Vrabel.

I used to like Al Michaels in his prime. Dude is flirting with 80 and he sounds like the gopher from Winnie-the-Pooh. Time to go.

Gasper back at the Globe. Nep Castiglione fought off another challenger.

Now Najee Harris will think the Super Bowl can end in a tie.

(Dylan-esque harmonica solo)

Theo thought I overpaid for packaging costs for the first batch of coffee mugs.

I object to Catfish Hunter being listed in sources as “Jim”. Baseball players should be listed by the name by which there were known IN BASEBALL. Home Run Baker’s family called him Frank, and Red Ruffing’s family called him Charles or Charlie. But we don’t list them that way.

Honk if you remember Coffee Time Syrup endorsed by Jimmy Piersall.

Zo, on Meyers’ touchdown: “if there’s anyone who deserves a touchdown more than this guy…it’s him.” Yogi Berra nods.

Teddy had a Latin temper too, Julio.

In a surprise, the Jets are planning to start Joe Flacco vs Miami, source tells ESPN. Zach Wilson still not 100%. Flacco’s experience likely a big factor in the decision, facing blitz-heavy D.

Aw man; not Heath Freeman, too!

Just realized why my wife likes it when I go to Patriots games. She gets peace and quiet for two days: the day of the game and the day after as I rest my voice.

‘Roni bar pie ‘za; who says no?

This ‘Drew Bledsoe – great teammate’ revisionist history cannot be allowed to go unchallenged. And won’t.

Best bet for the weekend: LeBron returns to action against the Celtics.

Boyd. Good boy, does a lot of things well, great camera presence.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW users The Gimp, Kingasaurus, NASCL, and #the15 were used in this column. The morning after blues from my head down to my shoes.

It is also Sophie Marceau’s birthday.
Bon anniversaire!

11/10/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Top Rated by US News and World Reports.

Is Barstool Sportsbook offering an O/U on when Portnoy gets indicted for something?

A bad week last week for Astros.

That’s a right spiffy new logo you got, Revolution.

‘Mac Jones’s favorite Entitled Town co-host is Dave Brown.’ – Adam Archuleta

NE isn’t winning the OBJ Sweepstakes because of YOU.

With the $2.10 you won betting a dollar Kirk would wind up in the laughing acadamy again over this, you would still need 30 cents to ride the commuter rail for one fare zone.

Henry Ruggs thought the Atlanta Braves parade bus was travelling too fast.

Despite how you feel about the virus, vaccine, any of it, Joe Rohan is one of the most informed people on this rock.

Pasta is a good kid assisting on goals and such.

Cakes are cooking for Keith Lockhart, Kenny Rogers, Vanessa Angel, Lissa Maria Sneck, Ed Ward, and Warren G.

You want me for feel bad for Brian Burns and Cassius Marsh? In the same week?

Frank Gore is a boxer now. His first fight was just announced, against former NBA star Deron Williams.

The Celtics haven’t won a home game yet? I hope that changes tonight.

Why is Vikings fan Mike Florio so worked up over the NFL going easy on Aaron Rodgers? Oh, now I hear it.

Spulpits are gonna Spulpit. SMDH.

Hey Gang, this week’s Phrase that pays is “They’re gonna get the big sads and you’re fucked.”

Mixing cabbage and collard greens together is powerful.

In a 60-game stretch in 1969, Rico Petrocelli his .335 with 21 homers, and more than twice as many walks as strikeouts, 1.204 OPS. In a 60-game stretch beginning later in the season, carrying into 1970, he hit .229 with an OPS of .677.

I forgot to mention. . .twice as many strikeouts as walks in the second 60-game streak.

RIP, Peter Scolari! According to Adam Archuleta, you were America’s favorite Bosom Buddy.

Fought back against offseason depression today and took a shower.

They say the heart of rock and roll is still beating
And from what I’ve seen I believe ’em
Now the old boy may be barely breathing
But the heart of rock and roll
Heart of rock and roll is still beating.

Aaron Rodgers fined $14,650? That’s like half the amount of an equipment violation fine! Unbelevable.

Green Line Update: Shuttle buses will replace B Branch service between Kenmore and Babcock St, today and tomorrow, Nov 10 – 11, beginning at 8:45 PM through the end of service.

Tuukka spotted at WARRIOR Ice Arena?

Travis Scott crushes it live!

LL Bean? Get out your credit card or a whole wad of cash for that stuff!

Bigt decisions ahead for the UMass football program.

Adam Archuleta says that America’s favorite Halloween candy are NECCO Wafers.

Honk if you remember Major Mudd.

What’s the name of that singer from the Ting Ting’s again?

I hope Schwarbsy comes back.

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots playing their injury information cards close to the vest.

I.B.B.Y.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and #the15 were used in this column. Elvis has left the building.

Tea with BdlG!

11/03/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Gerald. Peter. Remy. 1952-2021

Well, if you can’t win the World Series, I guess it’s okay if the team that used to play in your city defeats the team that knocked you out of the playoffs. Congratulations to the once-Boston Braves.

Nep Castiglione got the scoop on the RemDawg getting called out at third, as it were. Go figure.

Can you surf in a Fremen stillsuit?

Cam Newton led the Patriots to .500 with a win in LA versus the Chargers too, caller.

Fenway Park golf cart > Nursing Home Cat.

Aaron Rodgers didn’t get the discount double jab?

Marcus Smart who is shooting 29% from the field should shut his fucking clam.

Cakes are cooking for Dwight Evans, Dennis Miller, Karch Kiraly, Kym Hampton, and Tariq Abdul Wahad.

Okay, I’ll say it. I miss ‘Treat Yourself.’

I talked to a scout the other day- he was intrigued by Greg Dickerson’s fast twitch muscles.

Henry Ruggs III had to get home.

If Brady were still in New England we’d know that he is also unvaccinated.

Wait: Jerry, Jared, Jenna, & Jordan Remy? They’re like the Kardashians with all the K’s, but even shittier people.

Weymouth’s Own Charlie Coyle is like Tito Jackson! Or something.

Red eye flights. Yeah right,as if! LOL

Fremen ride their sandworms single-file, to conceal their numbers.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Make sure none of your buddies put a fake dick in your bag.”

Jerry can’t snap his fingers at waitresses anymore. Sad.

I want to cheer for Bolden!

Lots of buzz on the street about that Ed Lasso TV show. Is it on USA?

Sunday was be the first time this season Brandon King did not earn a NLTBE active roster bonus. His cap number will not change this week.

‘RIP Manny Remy’ – John Kerry

I still feel like MLB should let the pitchers who want to hit continue to do so.

Buy cows. Bitcoin cows!

Fremen think NBA players wear too much neoprene.

Green Line D Branch: Delays of up to 15 minutes westbound due to a train with a mechanical problem at Newton Centre.

New England Revolution playoff packages are now available.

He said “I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup
And spit out better words than you”
But you didn’t
Man, you’re kidding yourself if you think
The world revolves around you
You know you got lots to give
And so many options
I’m real sorry
‘Bout whatever happened to you.

I believe the clinical term is “high functioning”.

Seven cancer battles. Seven career home runs. Only in baseball.

Packers QB Aaron Rodgers was quoted as saying he’s been “immunized.” By the letter of the law in the NFL, that does not equal vaccinated.

Honk if you remember American Express Travelers Cheques.

As one computer said, if you’re on the train, and they say Portal Bridge, you know you better make other plans..

Lemme tell you kids, back in my day, the fun sized candy bars were the size of gorilla fingers!

Former Raiders WR Henry Ruggs III is a must sit-in all formats.

Congratulations to Michelle Wie on being the first elected female Mayor of Beantown.

Best bet for the weekend: forgetting to fall back one hour.

Smoking two packs a day. Jared Remy. ‘Name 2 known killers.’
Check out these boobs. And Jenny! HeyOHHH!!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, and #the15 were used in this column. Here comes the pizza!!

10/27/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Less than ideal.

Has the national mourning period over Joe Buck’s busy season started before this week or is it just during the World Series?

Thanks for having the troll on your podcast, Mister Wall Defender. For the watch…

Bob Neumeier is gone. And there’s a lot wrong with that.

Is it possible this Celtics roster is better built to play under Brad, and Brad’s roster last year was better built to play under Ime?

The Supporters Shield sounds like something you wear while recovering from a hernia operation. Congrats, Revs. I guess.

Sox ousted from the ALCS, and then comes a frost warning followed a bomb cyclone nor’easter. Nature knows that the summer game is done in New England.

Cakes are cooking for Manu Katché, Rick Carlisle, Mary T. Meagher, Mike Ricci, and Sergei Samsonov.

Headlights? You intend to operate my Dymaxion Vehicularaxeron after sunclipse?

A minimum of two World Series games is probably more lucrative for Atlanta than an All-Star Game. Suck it, Manfred.

The Over the Air Antenna decides Mr. Scartelli
I just follow the signal

Pasta is still a goal-scoring Good Kid.

Best player in the Ocean State. Benny Hurd. Remember the name.

Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin swiftly rejects any speculation he’d be a candidate for the USC job. “Never say next, but never.”

News Item: Eversource is prepared for the storm.

The Tom Brady 600th touchdown football guy should have held out for all the other stuff plus a white pool cover.

Cuck Modi. That’s it; that’s the post.

Betting on sports and refrigerator runs can be risky!

MBTA Commuter Rail Update: While conditions are easing across the system, significant impacts continue as a result of damaging winds, rain, & flooding. Our crews are working to resolve issues across the network but ongoing delays are occurring due to severe equipment damage, signal issues, & down trees.

Black Twitter has a problem with John Stockton? Weird!

Timothée Chalamet needs a sandwich. A panini. Or a paninée, maybe.

Big bang baby, it’s a crash, crash, crash
I wanna cry, but I gotta laugh
Orange crush mama is a laugh, laugh, laugh
Nothing’s for free, nothing’s for free.

Not big on continental breakfast items in general but a properly done salt bagel with the accoutrements and a flat white is a good change of pace.

The Joe Kelly Fuck Club has a posse.

I’ve never been a fan of wearing a snap back hat backwards. Fitted hats only.

SLAM CENTRAL SANDWICH STATION

The wins are the best because then I can listen to the Talking Radio Men dismissively denigrate them!

Charlie Morton is no Gregory Campbell.

Energy is never lost. Only transferred from one form to another. See you back on March 31. – Red Sox

Honk if you remember Rusty Jones.

No, Neumie didn’t die from complications from laminitis, why would you even think that?

I thought ‘Flat’ White was a dead ball era hurler.

Word on the street is money can be exchanged for goods or services.

“Try hard, hanger-on” > “recruited walk-on”

Best bet for the weekend: people still calling the team the San Diego Chargers.

Prove you aren’t a robot.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, @basementscout and #the15 were used in this column.

Cindy Fitzgibbon says, what are you gonna do? Stay dry, stay safe.
Bonus Seattle Weather snapshot!

10/20/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

The man you came to see.

Commissioner Goodell isn’t as unaccountable as an ordinary MLB umpire is.

A tie is as good as a draw, Revs.

Did the NHL schedule makers think the Ringling Brothers Circus was in town?

Thankfully it’s still baseball season, so these football losses doesn’t count yet. Whew!

For all you fans of the orange leather, as we embark on another NBA season, be sure to throw “Cattles On Causeway” a twitter follow. @CausewayPodcast

You can’t complain about about the refs when Mac Jones only goes two-point-two innings!

The on the PUP thus ineliglble to play malingering malcontent cornerback would have saved the game, caller.

Can they finally arrest Pete Rose now for killing Ray Fosse?

We’re hearing a certain pizza heir is single!

Cakes are cooking for Dave Krieg, Razor Ramon, Billy Zabka, Chantel Tremitiere, John Krasinski, and Candice Swanepoel.

A Touch & Rich syndication deal? Zoinks!

I for one can’t believe Hank Steinbrenner is just sitting there and letting this happen to his team!

Here for the trade convention?

Essentially: Baker Mayfield still has a chance to play the following week. But Sunday to Thursday was just too fast. Now he’ll focus on rehab and tightening up the shoulder.

Jerry Thornton still cares more than YOU.

Hey NBC Sports Boston, as the great Bob Ryan once said, what’s the fascination with Chris Forsberg?

Green Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace B Branch service between Kenmore and Babcock St, Mon – Thurs, beginning at 8:45 PM through the end of service. Also: Shuttle buses replace D Branch service between Brookline Village and Riverside, Mon – Thurs, beginning at 8:45 PM through the end of service. More: http://MBTA.com/alerts/subway

No. Just no.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Sure it was a bad call BUT…”

UConn football with the dub!

Well, you can make a big impression or go through life unseen
You might wind up restricted and over seventeen
It’s so hard to be careful, so easy to be led
Somewhere beyond the pavement, you’ll find the living dead

We’re all behind you, Anita. So to speak.

Media superstardom still somehow eludes Owen Pence.

Puppet Show
and
Chicago Sky Victory Parade

Tampa Lightning placed Nikita Kucherov on Long Term Injured Reserve today. The move gives Tampa Bay an additional $9,500,000 in their LTI Salary Relief pool.

What are the Boston Mayoral candidates stances on dog racing?

Do you think imposter syndrome (fake dynasty variant) contributed to Lane Johnson’s depression?

No one chuckles like Gene Hackman.

Please do not explain a baseball game to me that I literally just watched live at Fenway!

Ben Volin’s ‘Lets go Barves’ has the cadence of an inside joke. Sorrey!

Honk if you remember when Dan Shaughnessy was still selling ‘The Curse of Babe Ruth’ books.

This upcoming week, I’ll be investing in @iluvtacos0822‘s OnlyFans.

I may have my facts wrong, but I don’t think the Red Sox have lost an ALCS since the time the ‘chicken & waffles’ scandal led to John Farrell resigning back in 2015.

Frank Caliendo? He’s no Rich Little.

All pretend business owners should rent office space for a month. Think of the selfie opportunities!

Nothing says “sports gambling” like Patton Oswalt.

Maybe don’t be a junkie?

See, it’s funny because he’s not from Waltham but Carrabis is pretending he is. Buy a $35 T-shirt.

Cam is now vaccinated. Good job. Good effort.

Can you believe how out of touch college football twitter is? Going crazy about some no-defense game between two random teams, Texas and Oklahoma, while ignoring the tense Harvard-Cornell game, where Harvard’s undefeated season is on the line.

This postseason really has been an Earl Weaver wet dream.

Best Bet for the weekend: bringing two sweaters to The Head of the Charles Regatta; one to wear, and another to tie loosely around your neck.

“Podokesaurus to become Official State Dinosaur of Massachusetts? Roar! Ryanasaurus Bob should be official dinosaur! Outrage! Podunkasaurus not see Bill Russell play! ROAR!!”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, Bill Kristol, BSMW poster Irregular Brian and #the15 were used in this column. Better not forget it on your shopping list –
You can stop and buy one, it’s The Wilbury Twist.

Actress Autumn Reeser. Happy Autumn, everybody!

Fall Event Avoidance Generator

Uh uh. Nah. Nope.


Here’s a helpful stupid bullshit generator. If you hear a phrase that could be generated by this, you want nothing to do with it:

Generic sentence structure:
“You know what would be fun? A B !”
“We never go to A B anymore”
“You never want to see the A  B anymore”
“Everyone is saying (the) A  B is fun”

The boy gets it. No fun.

Column A:
pumpkin
apple
foliage
farm
corn
paint
country
cider
leaf
Salem
ghost
hay
craft
harvest
waterfront
art(s)
linen

Column B:
picking
watch
night
brunch
harvest
fair
decorating
fest(ival)
party
trail
tour
picnic
community event
ride
celebration
exhibition
stroll
maze
train
auction
5K

This will decidedly NOT be fun. At all.

“Everyone is saying the Foliage Trail is fun!”
“You know what would be fun? Farm night!”
“We never go to the Cider Stroll anymore.”

Still no.

Yes “harvest” is in both columns; you especially want to avoid anything with “Harvest”.

This generator can be a force for good if you change the generic sentences:

“Isn’t this when you and your {relation} go(es) to the A B ?”

Relation:
Mother
Aunt
Friends

“Isn’t this when you and your mom go to the Harvest Festival?”

Mother and daughter together in park on a bright fall day, having fun and hugging, autumn leaves in the background

Submitted as a public service by The15. Originally published on the BSMW Message Board September 29, 2014, by ‘Marty Nopointe’.

Foliage Train! Weeeeee!

10/13/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Look who’s out in public again after 20 months!

(Publishing note: there was a Monday holiday, but the woke counter-holiday cancels that out. Usual schedule prevails. )

The NE Revolution is clearly quitely inspiring the other local squadrons. And maybe some Marathon participants, too.

It’s like his father who is the district attorney said: You can’t script October.

New England Patriots with the same record as the sure-to-go-undefeated Kansas City Chiefs. Season back on.

Kevin Kiermaier only likes white rappers.

And that, is why you always DESTROY your cellphone rather than turn it over to the League.

Good job, UMass. Good effort, UConn.

Baseball writers: enforce the unwritten rules, but don’t follow the written rules.

Kyrie. MAGA folk hero. And still not our problem anymore.

Cakes are cooking for Jerry Trupiano, Kate Walsh, Summer Sanders, Ed Ellis, Paul Pierce, and Jimin.

I bet Dean Wormer knows how many people cared that Dan Shaughnessy’s streak of covering Red Sox playoff games in person ended last week.

I guess Coach Flores didn’t have institutional knowledge about Tom Brady. Sad.

Hazel Mae? Yes, yes she may. She may indeed.

If the SF Giants didn’t want insensitive jokes about their GM’s name then they shouldn’t have hired a terrorist. What?

Smoltz is no Glavine.

Hey there Gang participating in a coordinated effort to pump the tires of a rookie QB who has been good in five games and start fitting him for a red jacket or is it a gold one? This week’s Phrase that Pays is “an incurable case of bobo-ism.”

Frank Caliendo; meet Vaughn Meader.

Courtney Vandersloot. What are you gonna do? Tough series loss, Connecticut Sun.

Saddest Marathon Day ever.

I wish I could bet on the Glazers never having had a black friend. Thanks a lot, Senate President Karen E. Spilka!

Chaim. Owning. Or perhaps leasing at a very favorable rate.

Orange Line Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

John Cusack! A different Barstool Dave!! Craig Calaterra!!!

Mina Kimes cares more than you do.

“Intellectually, we baseball media types are a breed apart.” “What the fuck is a ground rule double?” Same people.

Congrats on the Training Camp sex, Stihdsy.

Well, we were just another band out of Boston
On the road and tryin’ to make ends meet
Playin’ all the bars, sleepin’ in our cars
And we practiced right on out in the street
No, we didn’t have much money
We barely made enough to survive
But when we got up on stage and got ready to play, people came alive

Rock and roll band, everybody’s waitin’
Gettin’ crazy, anticipatin’
Love, and music, play, play, play, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Dancin’ in the streets of Hyannis
We were getting pretty good at the game
People stood in line and didn’t seem to mind
You know everybody knew our name
Livin’ on rock and roll music
Never worried ’bout the things we were missin’
When we got up on stage and got ready to play, everybody’d listen

Rock and roll band, everybody’s waitin’
Gettin’ crazy, anticipatin’
Love, and music, play, play, play, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Playin’ for week in Rhode Island
A man came to the stage one night
He smoked a big cigar
Drove a Cadillac car and said
“Boys, I think this band’s outtasight
Sign a record company contract!
You know I’ve got great expectations!
When I hear you on the car radio
You’re gonna be a sensation!”

Rock and roll band, everybody’s waitin’
Gettin’ crazy, anticipatin’
Love, and music, play, play, play, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

It was recently pointed out that we lost both Fred Travalena and Danny Gans in the same year, 2009.

Maybe the four backup O linemen should be the starters?

Fun Fact: Incredibly, Back to the Future 2 correctly predicted the Vegas Golden Knights would defeat the Seattle Kraken 4-3!

Ain’t no beaches in Brockton.

Shawn Crable’s Dream Journal > Mac Jones’s Improvement Journal.

The Rays champagne order can join the 1969 Lakers balloons now, I guess.

Glad that Lori Loughlin is returing to TV as Abigail Stanton.

Veteran CB Corn Elder was signed to Washington Football team active roster off the #Panthers practice squad, per agent @agentbutler1 of @agency1amg.

Honk if you remember Walt Hriniak.

Gruden wasn’t and isn’t wrong about Goodell.

News Item: Springfield Thunderbirds return to the ice at the MassMutual Center Saturday.

So it’s Houston as the ALCS opponent then? Lousy cheaters.

Scott Zolak is demonstrably terrible at his job as a color commentator.

Jim Kaat. 40 acres and a jadrool.

Mention TurtleCunt, Kirkie you coward!

This Mac Jones credit cake tastes terrible. And such small portions!

That YouTube home run ball poacher weirdo is going to beaten up real bad someday.

The only Ray I ever found likeable was Ray Goulding.

Did YOU Respect the Art today?

Best bet for the weekend: It’s called Bruins.

Wait, what?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, Those who wish to remain anonymous and #the15 were used in this column. Cool the Engines. Cool the Engines Down.

HBD BdlG!

10/06/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

All this will be lost. Like tears in rain.

Can one claim a moral victory from a loss that meant Coach Bill can’t call himself the Owl any longer?

But, but the evening lottery number was 1-9-7-8! Poor, irrelevant Dan.

Go look up Floyd Giebel and get back to me.

Dondero, who nobody normally reacts to, opining about the art of entertaining, is fucking entertaining. A paradox.

It’s almost like Gilmore was malingering. Aloha, Stephon.

It’s also preseason for those crying about preseason NHL officials.

Get (h)er, Urb!

Cakes are cooking for Elisabeth Shue, J.J. Stokes, Rebecca Lobo, Richard Seymour, Daniel Brière, and Addison Rae.

Johnny Lawrence is going to be good once he gets rid of the hardo High School head coach.

JD Martinez sprained his ankle tripping over a base? Only in baseball.

Bubba Wallace winning at Talladega was even more impressive considering he was pulled over three times by the police during the race.

Please bring Bucky Dent to every game against the Red Sox, NYY.

Produce jockeys are now trying to denigrate Super Bowl rings and Hall of Fame gameplans. Technology was a mistake. All of it.

Is there minor league professional lacrosse?

Hitting range balls before a charity scramble is a clown move.

It’s always funny to me when the pregame show has to hype up NFL games for two hours and then has to be throw in the “stay tuned to ESPN for some great WNBA action!”

Schefty breaking out the MAN WALKS ON MOON headline font for the SHOCKING release of Gilmore. FFS.

Ha! You call that a turnip?

Good luck to the talented and delightful Katie Nolan on her next project which I will never watch or listen to.

Imagine paying for a $28 shirt in 4 monthly payments.

The 15: sex positive.

Hey gang of enjourtainerulists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Respect the art.”

Who knew paying Steve Buckley to watch Leo Durocher on The Munsters wasn’t a viable business model?

I drink a lot
I get naked a lot
I like man coverage for my Defense
I keep it simple and I let the Players Play

That halftime show is going to cure racism. You watch.

Blue Line Update: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to an earlier signal problem at Orient Heights.

Rehab worked fine for me, but I didn’t spend the whole time arguing with everyone there about the illuminati.

Kyrie. Not our problem.

Marisa Ingemi only got another beat writing job because the league expanded, caller.

Arcand looks like the 3rd runner up in a Jason Segel lookalike contest.

Oh remember my darling
When spring is in the air.
And the bald headed birds
Are whisp’ring ev’rywhere.
You can see them walking
Southward in their dirty underwear.
That’s Tennessee Bird walk.

Gotta win this one, Connecticut Sun.

What’s this about Pandora Peaks being back in the news?

Panthers GM Scott Fitterer has already made 8 trades in his first year on the job: Traded away: QB Teddy Bridgewater, OT Greg Little, LB Denzel Perryman, Traded for: QB Sam Darnold, CB Stephon Gilmore, CB CJ Henderson, DE Darryl Green, K Ryan Santoso. Wheeling and dealing.

Somebody primary challenge Spilka. Please. I wanna bet on sports in the Commonwealth!

Fandom = delusion. That’s why I don’t consider myself a fan. I’m simply an educated observer who prefers one particular outcome over the other. If you’re not hating the teams you root for 90% of the time, you’re doing it wrong.

Honk if you remember Garber’s Gorillas.

Really though; doinking the upright should be worth 4 points.

Now which one is Vanessa Carlton and which one is Michelle Branch?

I don’t think that crowd was chanting ‘Let’s go, Brandon!”

The Ringer has recorded TWO separate podcasts in which some white dudes gather to rewatch The Depahded, yet not a single iota of WNBA content in sight … at least be original in your brazen disrespect!

This has to be one of the greatest Red Sox teams of the Covid Era.

The joke’s on the Athletic; Buckley purchased an entire bolt of vintage uniform flannel at the linen auction!

Where was the Fake Spike King with the Gilmore scoop?

Best bet for the weekend: Sale. Owning.

Revs rout Montreal Impact, 4-1.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW poster Hacksaw and #the15 were used in this column

I love base ball.
Happy for Britney. The toplessness represents freedom!

09/29/2021 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

We can’t believe it either.

The Red Sox are giving the thumbs-up from the hospital bed.

Kyrie is anti-vax AND going to use it as an excuse to skip games? I’d say he’s playing 3D chess but I don’t think he believes in that level of geometry.

Alex Guerrero can’t get cuffed and frog-marched soon enough.

I think the Bruins have a netminder that can steal you a game. Finally.

Hi Weather Girl! Panties or bra? LOL

I think Dean Wormer knows how many times previous Belichick has been likened to an owl.

Kirk! Aiden! Talk about Aiden, Kirk you coward!

Cakes are cooking for Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay, Hersey Hawkins, Erika Eleniak, and Jake Westbrook.

When it comes to frozen Walmart pizza, the name I think of is “Dave Portnoy”

When it comes to deciding which is worse, I used to think it was nostalgia bias, but as of late I have come around to believing what’s actually worse is recency bias.

Have more gimmicky singing shows, Fox.

Jamie Collins? No Interest.

Keep up the non-losing streak, New England Revolution!

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “multiple un-named sources.”

There are zero normal women in law enforcement.

Blue Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Now it’s apple picking weather.

If there are any Hollywood guys reading. . .the athlete that you could make a GREAT movie about would be Big Bill Tilden. I promise you: there is no other story like that one anywhere else in sports.

Maybe if Belichick was a Dr. Robert Leonard client he’d get some positive press.

Why don’t they build the whole plane out of effort?

Jerry was a race car driver
He drove so god-damned fast.
Never did win no checkered flag
But he never did come in last.

Jets WR Jeff Smith, not at practice today, was in a car crash heading to the facility this morning, source said. He will be on the injury report today with details of what he’s dealing with.

That Blair! Amirite?

That was a pretty ugly half of football. Looked like two teams and offenses that kinda miss the HOF franchise QBs they used to have. #NotYourDadsPatriotsvs.Saints

Honk if you remember the Mercury division of the Ford Motor Company.

Emmy Award-winning Katie Nolan is a free agent.

Daughtry is a super underrated band. I’ve probably said it before- but I’ll say it again.

CBS has three FBI shows?

Maybe people act like a jerk to Bob Kraft because they know they can get away with it.

Best bet for the weekend: MLB Playoff Wild Card reshuffling.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Coma and #the15 were used in this column. Captain Pierce was a fireman. Richmond engine #3

You have our permission to boo this man Sunday.
It is also Halsey’s birthday today. HBD, H.

Happy Mo Lewis Day!

(From The15 Archives, originally published on this date in 2019.)

Not all heroes wear capes.

The Day Drew Almost Died

(Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s “American Pie.”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember how that QB used to make me smile.
And I thought if he had the chance,
That he could make Krafty Bob dance,
And maybe we’d be happy for a while.

But Parcells leaving made me shiver,
And Pete Carroll could not deliver.
Good news on the doorsteps;
Tom Brady would soon get more reps.

I can’t remember if I cheered,
When I read that his artery was sheared,
But I sure know that Coach Bill lied,
The day Drew almost died.

So bye bye cerebral statue guy.
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Does Drew even read his Book of Plays?
Then why’d he just pass it to the Tampa Bays,
If the Coach didn’t tell him so?
You don’t believe in gaining yards,
You can’t be saved by Parcells and Cafar…do.
And can you teach me how to move real slow?

Well, I know the media’s in love with him,
‘cause I saw one slurpin’ on his Jim,
He got down on his knees,
Man, I dig that dig-nity.

I was a lonely Globie in Foxboro,
With a speed-dial line to Tom Donohoe.
But I knew I had nowhere left to go,
The day Drew almost died.

I started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Now for five years we been on our own,
Zeffross Moss grows fat, and we’ve had Michael Stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the Statue took a nut crushing sack,
With skills he borrowed from Mike Tomczak,
And footwork that made him look, like a tree.

Oh, and while the Statue was on the turf,
Tommy led the Patriots rebirth.
The Drew era was adjourned,
No more picks would be returned,
And while Borges ripped the coach for Starks,
The QB moved to Orchard Park,
And we raised banners in the dark,
The day Bledsoe almost died…

We were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Tall, strong slinger with a broken finger,
Passes not complete but they sure were zingers.
Six and two but falling fast.
Drew often ended up on the grass,
Whenever he tried for a forward pass.
With the jokes in the press box giving Coach such sass.

Now Mo Lewis’ hit was sweet perfume,
As the stench of Bledsoe’s failures loomed,
We all got up to dance,
As the new guy got a chance.
Oh, as Brady played with nerves of steel,
The Statue’s limits were soon revealed.
Six Banners now hang above the field,
Where Drew, he nearly died.

We started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

And there we were down in Foxboro,
A QB lookin’ oh so slow,
With another I-N-Teeeeeee.
Drew be nimble, Drew be sacked,
Mo nearly broke poor Drew’s back,
But he played with dignity-y-y.

Oh, and as I watched him dive off the stage,
Tameeka’s disks cost 1.2 mil to assuage.
Max Lane could not repel,
Made Reggie White fast as a gazelle.
And as the blames piled high into the night,
Couldn’t be Drew, he was alright,
I saw Borges laughing with delight,
The day Drew almost died.

He was singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

I met a man who sang the blues,
And I asked him for some happy news,
But he just smiled and turned away.
I looked up that great box score,
Of the Minnesota game some years before,
But even then some said that Bledsoe couldn’t play.

And ar the Globe: the writers screamed,
Nutscrubbers cried, and Ron Borges schemed.
But not a word was spoken;
The AP feed was broken.
And the three men I admire true;
The Tuna, Don King and Cerebral Drew,
They caught the last train for Montana, too.
The day the Drew almost died.

And they were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

They were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Copyright 2007 BSMW. Lyrics by Kevin, InThisTown, BOSsportsfan34, Smilin’ Joe Hesketh, Miserable Fellow, Marty Nopointe, Joe Dokes, UncleGizmo, and Ironhead.

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