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World Cup Primer – Part 4

Posted on June 16, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

As a public service, over the next few days this site will be providing some information about the nations and teams competing in this year’s FIFA World Cup. We hope you find it diverting and droll.

Group I

France

France’s national football team, known as Les Bleus, is one of the most successful football teams globally, having won 2 FIFA World Cups, two UEFA European Championships, and multiple other prestigious international titles. Its symbol is a Gallic rooster smoking a Gauloise. The team is training at Bentley College, and twice a day flights of escargots are being flown into Logan and Hanscom.

HC: Didier Deschamps

Captain: Kylian Mbappé

Nickname: Les Bleus (The Blues)

Team Motto: Les cimetières sont pleins d’hommes indispensables. (The cemeteries are full of indispensable men.)

Fun Fact: All their set-piece plays are named after cheese.

Senegal

The Senegal national football team is one of Africa’s most prominent teams, with notable achievements including a World Cup quarter-final in 2002 and their first Africa Cup of Nations title in 2021.

HC: Pape Thiaw

Captain: Kalidou Koulibaly

Nickname: Lions de la Téranga (Lions of Teranga)

Guilty pleasure: steamed broccoli

Iraq

Known for a resilient and technical disciplined playing style, the Iraq national football team has frequently been viewed as a symbol of national unity within Iraqi society. During periods of war, sanctions and political instability, matches involving the national team often carried social and cultural significance beyond sport itself. Iraq’s victory at the 2007 AFC Asian Cup is widely regarded as one of the most significant moments in the country’s sporting history.

HC: Graham Arnold

Captain: Jalal Hassan

Nickames: Usood al-Rafidayn (Lions of Mesopotamia)

Team Motto: “We are very happy Uday remains dead.”

Norway

Norway’s National Team, Proud historical legacy, modern squad of elite talents, high profile players, tactical guidance, and things of that nature.

HC: Ståle Solbakken

Captain: Martin Ødegaard

Scoring Threat: Erling Haaland

Nicknames: Gresshingstene (Grass Stallions) Røde, Hvite, Blå (Red, White and Blue) Landslaget (National Team) Drillos (?)

Strange letters: Ja

Team motto: “There is only one way, the Norway.”

Adorable Mascot: Pøkey, the Norway Narwhal

Group J

Argentina

The defending World Cup Champions. They know what from soccer.

HC: Lionel Scaloni

Captain: Lionel Messi

Nicknames: La Selección (The Selection) La Albiceleste (The White and Sky Blue) Los Gauchos Gigantes (The Giant Cowboys)

Fun Fact: Tries unsuccessfully every World Cup to turn any match against a British Isles squad into a ‘Winner Keeps the Falkland Islands’ competition.

Algeria

Algeria continues to be a formidable force in African and international football, blending experienced leaders like Riyad Mahrez with emerging talents to maintain competitive performances on the world stage. They are traditionally known for their attacking flair, balanced midfield, and quick wingers.

HC: Vladimir Petkovic

Captain: Rihad Mahrez

Nicknames: The Greens, The Fennecs (Desert Foxes), The Desert Warriors

Fun Fact. Algeria is the largest country in Africa. Go check. We will wait.

Austria

Austria approaches the 2026 World Cup with a combination of historical pride, tactical innovation, and the ambition to reestablish itself as a competitive force on the global stage. Recent friendly wins against Ghana, South Korea, and Tunisia demonstrate form and squad cohesion.

HC: Ralf Rangnick

Captain: David Alaba

Nickname(s): Das Team (The Team) Burschen (The Boys) Unsere Burschen (Our Boys)

Controversial Opinion: Thinks Rolf did nothing wrong in “The Sound of Music.”

Jordan

The Jordan national football team has steadily emerged as a competitive force in Middle Eastern and Asian football, combining historic milestones with recent international success, including their landmark qualification for the FIFA World Cup. But yes, they are just happy to be here. Their WC base camp will be the University of Partland, the one in Oregon.

HC: Jemal Sellami

Captain: Ihsan Haddad

Nicknames: Al-Nashama (The Chivalrous Ones)

Team rallying cry: Sayidati (M’lady!)

World Cup Primer – Part 3

Posted on June 14, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

As a public service, over the next few days this site will be providing some information about the nations and teams competing in this year’s FIFA World Cup. We hope you find it educational and enjoyable.

Group G

Belgium

Belgium enter the 2026 World Cup ranked among the world’s top 10, blending aging stars like Kevin De Bruyne and Romelu Lukaku with a rising new generation led by Jeremy Doku and Charles De Ketelaere. Their squad is deep in midfield and attack but carries real defensive and fitness concerns, making them a dangerous but unpredictable contender.

HC: Rudi Garcia

Captain: Yuri Tielemans

Team Nickname(s): The Red Devils, Chocolate Thunder, The Walloonatics

Egypt

Egypt is Africa’s oldest national football team and has won the Africa Cup of Nations a record seven times, The team has made three appearances in the World Cup and was the first-ever African and Middle Eastern team to make such an appearance. Egypt is aiming to secure their first-ever win at the tournament. The team is known for being robust defensively and relies on the attacking brilliance of Mohamed Salah and Omar Marmoush.

Player-Coach: Hossam Hassam

Captain: Mohamad Salah

Team Nickname: The Pharaohs, Sam Al-Sham

Guilty Pleasure: lean boneless chicken breasts grilled until they are as dry as the Sahara.

Iran

Iran enters the 2026 World Cup with one of its most experienced squads ever, led by coach Amir Ghalenoei and star striker Mehdi Taremi, aiming to finally reach the knockout stage for the first time.

HC: Amir Ghalenoei

Captain: Ehsan Hajsafi

Team Nickname: Team Melli (National Team)

Fun Fact: According to the Iranian Faytuks Network, under the peace deal, every goal scored by Iran will count as two, and they can have as many substitutions as the want.

New Zealand

New Zealand enters the 2026 FIFA World Cup as Oceania’s lone representative, (provided you don’t count their big neighbor across the Tasman Sea to the west) led by veteran striker Chris Wood and a balanced, experienced 26‑man squad. They face a challenging Group G but arrive with improved overseas depth, a clear tactical identity, and strong leadership.

HC: Darren Bazeley

Captain: Chris Wood

Team Nickname: The All Whites

Oceana at war with Eurasia: Nah

Group H

Spain

Spain is one of eight national teams to have been crowned world champions and has participated in a total of 16 out of 22 FIFA World Cups. They won the 2010 tournament and have qualified consistently since 1978. Spain enters the 2026 World Cup as one of the tournament’s strongest contenders, powered by a young, elite core led by Rodri, Pedri, and rising star Lamine Yamal. Their squad is deep, tactically flexible, and coming off major successes at EURO 2024 and the Olympics. Notably, for the first time, no Real Madrid players are included in the squadron.

HC: Luis de la Fuente

Captain: Rodri

Team Nickname: La Roja (The Red One)

Other single-named players: Gavi, Nuni, Gummo, Nuni II.

Cabo Verde (AKA Cape Verde)

On October 13 2025, Cape Verde qualified for the World Cup for the first time after a 3–0 home win against Eswatini, Doing so, Cape Verde became the second-smallest nation ever to reach the World Cup after Iceland did it in 2018.

HC: Bubista

Captain: Ryan Mendes

Team Nickname(s): Tubarões Azuis (Blue Sharks) Crioulos (Creoles) Os surfistas carecas grelhados (the bald, grilled surfers)

Saudi Arabia

Considered one of Asia’s most successful national teams, Saudi Arabia have won the AFC Asian Cup three times (1984, 1988 and 1996), reached a joint record six Asian Cup finals and have qualified for the FIFA World Cup on seven occasions since debuting at the 1994 tournament.

HC: Giorgios Donis

Captain: Salem Al-Dawsari

Reliable Forward: Pastaah Al-Dente

Team Nickname(s):al-‘Akhḍar, (The Green One) as-Suqūr Al-‘Arabiyyah, (Arabian Falcons) as-Suqūr al-Khoḍur, (The Green Falcons), al-Suqur allati lam tata’allam al-hubut (The Falcons that never Learned to Land)

Uraguay

Uraguay is considered one of the most successful national teams in international competitions and by FIFA as “football’s first global powerhouse.” The roster features 12 midfielders and only three forwards, prioritizing pressing, width, and vertical transitions over a traditional strike partnership.

HC: Marcelo Bielsa

Captain: José María Giménez

Team Nickname(s): La Celeste (The Sky Blue) Los Charrúas (The Chalupas)

World Cup titles: 1930 (hosts), 1950 (“Maracanazo”)

Favorite 1970’s one-hit wonder: Sniff ‘n’ the Tears, “Driver’s Seat”

World Cup Primer – Part 2

Posted on June 12, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

As a public service, over the next few days this site will be providing some information about the nations and teams competing in this year’s FIFA World Cup. We hope you find it edifying and enjoyable.

Group D

United States of America

The U.S. Men’s National Team (USMNT) is one of CONCACAF’s strongest programs, currently ranked inside FIFA’s top 20 and preparing for the 2026 World Cup on home soil. The team features a young, Europe‑based core led by Christian Pulisic, Weston McKennie, and Gio Reyna. In the first round of the very first World Cup in 1930 the United States beat Paraguay 3-0, or as real soccer fans would say “3-nil”. Tim Ream was a late second-half substitute in that victory.

HC: Mauricio Pochettino

Captain: Tim Ream

Team Nickname: USMNT (really?) The Stars and Stripes (never heard that one) The Yanks (yank the other one if you like any of these)

The Pochettino Alfredo at Mauricio’s: exquisite, with hints of thyme and tarragon.

Paraguay

After missing the 2014, 2018, and 2022 World Cups, Paraguay secured qualification for the 2026 tournament, ending a 16‑year absence, Coach Gustavo revitalized the team, losing only once in 12 qualifiers and instilling a high‑intensity, resilient style.

HC: Gustavo Alfano

Captain: Gustavo Gomez

Team Nickname: Los Guaranies (The Guaranies) [this is less than helpful]

Base Camp: San Jose State University, San Jose, California.

FUN FACT: Everyone on the Paraguay national football team is named ‘Gustavo’.

2010 WC Viral Fan Larissa Riquelme: Y

Australia

Australia’s teams wear yellow (officially called “gold”) and green because they are the country’s official national colors. Inspired directly by the native Golden Wattle plant, gold represents Australia’s mineral wealth, beaches, and harvests, while green symbolizes the eucalyptus forests and pastures. Soccer is the least popular sport in Australia ranking 9th, just behind crocodile wrestling and shark jumping.

Manager: Tony Popovic (the Spurs should call this guy)

Captain: Matthew Ryan

Team Nicknames: The Socceroos, The Wallabeebingbongs, The Barrier Reefers, Chet

Türkiye

The country formerly known as Turkey defeated Romania 1-0 in the final match of FIFA World Cup 2026 European qualifiers play-off round and proceeded to the World Cup for the 4th time in their history after a long wait of 24 years.

WARNING: Watching too much Türkiye may cause drowsiness. Use care when operating a car or heavy machinery.

HC: Vincenzo Montella

Captain: Hakan Çalhanoğlu

Star Midfielder: Ediund Al-Mahn

Team Nickname: Ay-Yıldızlılar (The Gobblers) Bizim Çocuklar (Our Boys)

Team Motto: “Once we were footstools, then stupid ground birds, now we are Türkiye.”

Group E

Germany

Germany is one of the most successful teams in FIFA World Cup history, winning four titles (one more than their number of Reichs) and reaching the podium 12 times, more than any other nation. Under Nagelsmann, Germany has become more defensively solid while maintaining quick transitional play. It’s never a bad idea to keep an eye on the Germans.

HC: Julian Nagelsmann

Captain: Joshua Kimmich

Team Nickname: DFB Team (DFB Team) Die Nationalelf (The National Eleven) DFB-Elf (DFB Eleven) Literal Germans (Literal Germans) Die Mannschaft (The Team)

Hasseling the Hoff: Nein

Curaçao

Curaçao qualified for the 2026 FIFA World Cup by finishing first in Group B of the CONCACAF Third Round, becoming: The smallest nation by population and area ever to qualify, and the first non‑sovereign American nation to reach a World Cup. I love that for them.

HC: Dick Advocaat (Qualifying) Fred Rutten (current)

Captain: Mark Cedilla

Team Nickname: Pantera Negra (The Blue Wave)

Purveyors of Barbacide-colored liqueur: Yes

Tanzanite jewelry: Also Yes

Ivory Coast (AKA Côte d’Ivoire)

Côte d’Ivoire is considered one of Africa’s elite teams, consistently producing top-tier talent. The team returned to the World Cup this year after a 12‑year absence, qualifying unbeaten.

Manager: Emerse Faé’

Captain: Franck Kessié

Kit colors: All Orange

Team Nickname: Les Éléphants (No translation available)

Favorite Paul McCartney/Stevie Wonder duet: “What’s That You’re Doing?”

Ecuador

Ecuador is a rising South American contender known for strong defensive structure, dynamic midfielders like Moisés Caicedo, and a growing generation of young talent. They enter the 2026 World Cup ranked 23rd in the world and aiming to reach the knockout stage for the first time since 2006.

HC: Sebastián Andrés Beccacece

Captain: Enner Valencia

Dynamic Midfielder: Moisés Caicedo

Team Nickname: La Tri (The Tri) La Tricolor (The Tricolours) La Selección (The Selection)

Favorite American Sitcom with a Schlub Husband and an Out of His League Attractive Wife: “Life According to Jim”

Group F

Netherlands

The Netherlands enter the 2026 World Cup as a defensively strong, possession‑driven side with a deep Premier League‑influenced squad and high expectations after an unbeaten qualifying run.

HC: Ronald Koeman

Captain: Virgil van Dijk

Team Nickname: Oranje, Clockwork Orange, Dutch Uncles, Dutch Courage, The Flying Dutchmen

Base Formation: 4‑3‑3 shifting into 4‑2‑3‑1 in possession.

Comical Dutch Boy haircuts: No

Japan

Japan enters the 2026 World Cup as one of the most in‑form and experienced teams in Asia, boasting a deep Europe‑based squad, strong qualifying results, and a clear ambition to finally break past the Round of 16. Their 2026 roster blends veteran leadership, peak‑age stars, and rising talents, despite missing injured winger Kaoru Mitoma.

HC: Hajime Moriyasu

Captain: Ko Itakura

Team Nickname(s): Samurai Blue, Great Space Dragon

Sumo Wrestler as netminder: No

Sweden

Sweden are back in the FIFA World Cup after a dramatic playoff run, making their 13th appearance and returning to the finals for the first time since 2018. They qualified via the UEFA European play-offs, defeating Ukraine 1-3 in the semi-finals and Poland 3-2 in the final.

HC: Graham Potter

Captain: Victor Lindelöf

Team Nickname: Blågult (The Blue and Yellow)

Style: Organized, technically sound, strong in set pieces, with emphasis on attacking transitions and defensive solidity.

Base Camp: Frisco, Texas

Viking themed team photo: Yes

Tunisia

Tunisia enter the 2026 World Cup with a refreshed squad, a new coach, and a defensively elite qualifying record that has raised expectations for a historic first knockout‑stage appearance. Their Group F—Sweden, Japan, Netherlands—is difficult, but Tunisia’s mix of experienced midfield anchors and emerging young talent gives them a clearer identity than in past tournaments.

HC: Sabri Lamouchi

Captain: Ellyes Skhiri

Team Nickname: The Eagles of Carthage, The Punic Warriors, The Dune Seers

Favorite Kardashian sister: Khloe

06/10/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 10, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Like *that* will keep Snake Plissken out.*

The MIAA is a terrorist organization, but I would have to imagine there aren’t many less sympathetic demographics than ‘freshly graduated Ipswich lax bros’.

Broads can’t visit Texas without appropriating the fashion. It’s fascinating.

I wish I cared about anything as much as Darren Rovell cares about the cost of NBA Finals tickets.

It might not be the Red Sox’s year.

Seems undignified to be a preeminent historian and then die in a Shaw’s Supermarket parking lot in East Providence.

Imagine being the guy that has to write the super serious PWHL tampering article.

Just admit it greenteamers, you’re jealous of how good the Knicks are in close games and Brunson’s ability to deliver in the clutch. I am.

If I’m Wembanyama, I’m making one call, with one question. The call is to Kareem Abdul Jabbar. The question is “can you teach me the sky hook?” It would be impossible to block.

There’s no way Cecil Fielder’s home run that he hit out of Tiger Stadium was less than 500 feet.

Feels warm out but that’s just what they want me to think.

Cakes are cooking for Jurgen Prochnow, Ken Singleton, Terry Luttrell, Dan Fouts, Rich Hall, Andrew Stevens, Timothy Van Patten, Kelley Deal, Kim Deal, Maxi Priest, Brent Sutter, Gina Gershon, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Gary Wallis, Jimmy Chamberlin, Elizabeth Hurley, Doug McKeon, Bill Burr, Jimmy Shea, Kate Snow, Jo-Jo Hailey, Pokey Reese, Freddy García, Nergal, Tara Lipinski, Anna Nordqvist, Kelly Vitz, and Jeff Teague.

I had a wild adventure in my dream last night. I was a part of a group of strangers trying to survive both an alien attack and a deep government conspiracy. Many of the people I was with died right in front of me. They weren’t real but I grieve for them just the same.

Hard to believe someone who’s Twitter handle is ‘DoubleVodkaDon’ needed a trip to rehab.

People clearly miss the experience of phone booths, even those who have no firsthand experience using them. What else explains having lengthy phone conversations while in a rest room stall?

Anunoby looks like a young Viola Davis.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The broadcasters don’t get the box?”

Foxboro Line Train 1747 (2:28 PM from South Station) is operating 5-10 minutes behind schedule between Islington and Foxboro.

Happy Junetenth, to all who celebrate.

I’m not sure who is going to win the Stanley Cup now!

President Nixon’s apology would’ve hit a lot harder if only he had rocked the backwards snapback.

Non-serrated steak knives. Makes no sense.

Next thing ya know, that guy in the Shaw’s pahking lawt is gonna run ovah Vickahs!

You have to pay $13 after tax for a Big Mac Meal to get one but the McDonalds World Cup collectors cups are sturdy and the art is nice.

From the “inside media” department: Including the Patriots’ robust social-media team, there were more than 70 credentials issued to cover Tuesday’s first day of mandatory minicamp.

Spitting in a wishing well
Blown to hell
Crash
On the last splash-

I know you, little libertine
I know you’re a real koo koo

(Hey now)

Want you
Koo koo
Cannonball
Want you
Koo koo
Cannonball.

I don’t get those watch parties. Oh you want all the inconveniences of attending the game without actually attending? Come on down!

Barstool employees take more time away than women in sports.

The reason they call Madison Square Garden the worlds most famous arena because that’s where Laurence Harvey shot Angela Lansbury.

Any foreign tourists here for the World Cup on the socials talking up Market Basket?

Honk if you remember New Coke.

Hearing whispers Giannis Antetokounmpo’s preferred landing spot is Miami, but he remains open to joining Boston.

I met Eric Fisher at the Franklin Park Zoo.

The ‘J’ is silent in ‘Jacas?’ Where’s the fun in that?

It’s also probably not a good sign when you have to prefix your women’s league with “professional” so that everyone knows it’s real.

How can you win the Triple Crown if you don’t run the second race? Sad.

RA has to live for another eight years before what’s being done to him can be elder abuse? Bad odds on that, kid.

Can somebody please get @RochieWBC his account back?

Best bet for the weekend: USMNT, winning, or perhaps eking out a draw.

*Are you ready? It’s okay if you aren’t.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. In the shade, in the shade.

*And happy birthday to American artist and retired actress Leelee Sobieski.*

06/03/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on June 3, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Dianna Russini died for this trade.

Lately I’ve really been enjoying when something horrific happens during a Red Sox game to switch over to Sirius and rewinding to hear the reaction of smiley Flemming.

If the Spurs win this TITAL expect to see that Kornet block replayed forever.

Did everyone remember to wish a Happy Pride Month to the fake bisexual sports media gals?

Roman Anthony was built using parts made by Fiat.

I’m just happy one of the teams sponsored by a middle eastern airline won the big footie match.

Lou Damn Merloni never shuts up about using challenges.

Tired: ‘5th round picks are worthless, YOU overvalue them’ Wired: ‘how can you throw in a 5th rounder? Desperate!’

Ok if it’s a meteor where the hell did it land?

Cakes are cooking for Jim Gentile, Ian Hunter, Billy Cunningham, Hale Irwin, John Dykstra, Suzi Quattro, Deniece Williams, Dan Hill, Ibrahim Hussain, Scott Valentine, Steve Lyons, Dorothee “Doro” Pesch, Kerry King, Nelson Liriano, Mike Gordon, Anderson Cooper, Samantha Sprackling, Carl Everett, John Hodgman, José Molina, Az-Zahir Hakim, Cris, Travis Hafner, Al Horford, Rafael Nadal, Lalaine, and beabadoobee.

I’d assume this isn’t supposed to be my takeaway but isn’t it odd how when confronted with his own mortality Chris Gasper puts down the thesaurus and writes like normal person? Anyhoo, don’t die from cancer, man.

Hulking black teenager who’s really into Dragon Ball Z is one of the foundational American archetypes.

Bob Cousy calls A.J. Brown, ‘Arthur.’ Probably.

In other Red Sox rehab news, Garrett Crochet “can now spend several minutes in the same room as a baseball without crying.”

All the experts said the Thunder was a dynasty after winning 1 championship last year.

The Onwenu restructure is roughly the 37th story in a row that was not broken by the local Patriots beat writers. But we’re absolutely supposed to take them and everything they say seriously though.

After that Game 7 performance, Chet Holmgren should probably drop the blaccent.

I liken the way Eagles fans consume professional sports to the way young girls play with dolls.

I met Dee Brown once after he won the dunk contest. I panicked and gave him a rhinestone Chicago Bulls hat to autograph. (It was 1993 and that was the style at the time)

Hey gang of bakers and bakerinas, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Remove me from the future.”

People who think it’s actually supposed to be consistently hot here in New England during the month of May are lunatics.

Did the announcer just say Balogun is good with his feet? I hope so, he’s playing soccer.

I don’t care what FIFA wants, I’m still calling the place up in Foxboro where the World Cup matches are gonna be played Schaefer Stadium.

Television man is crazy,
Saying we’re juvenile deliquent wrecks-
Oh, man, I need TV when I got T-Rex,
Oh, brother, you’ve guessed, I’m a dude, dad!

If you’re thinking about killing yourself because Claude Lemieux died, please do it. (Necessary Legal Disclaimer goes here)

Did the Browns trade Myles Garrett to further disenfranchise Shadeur? IJATQ

Bret Michaels doesn’t want the gig?

Green Line C & D Branch Update: Normal service has resumed on the D Branch between Riverside & Brookline Hills. Shuttle buses continue to replace service on the C Branch between Cleveland Circle & Coolidge Corner.

Goodwill famously only sells brand new clothes.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

Can I PLEASE get a break from Jelly Roll?

“Tony Farmer is an important man.” – Senator Arlen Specter, if he were still on this side of the grass.

She’d like to model, or maybe act, or start a magazine
Before she signs any big contracts, she better learn to read
But in her dreams she’s the queen of the fashion regime

You ask me do I love you, does the Pope live in the woods?
Quod Erat Demonstrandum, baby. (“Ooh, you speak french!”)

She’s an AIRHEAD.
Stungun and mace, Kharmann Ghia plates say “Lost in Space”
She’s an AIRHEAD.
Thousands in trust, cusp Aquarius – get serious.
She’s an AIRHEAD.
Tinted contacts don’t change the fact that black is black.
She’s an AIRHEAD.
And while I’m impressed with the size of that chest,
she’s not an intellectual giant…

Migratory grifters pretending they knew who Claude Lemieux or Ray Bourque was before last week? Not cool.

Speaking as someone who is from NYC, chopped cheese has been a fabric of the culture of NYC food BROADLY since the late 90s early 2000s What we NOT gonna do is pull some crazy revisionist history when it comes to chopped cheese.

The Red Sox hate Fenway Park. Which is unfortunate because I love Fenway Park.

Nespresso!

Honk if you remember saxophonist Homer ‘Boots’ Randolph.

First Peabs, now Peabo. You’ll be missed, Mr. Bryson.

I like the narrative immediately swinging to “you hafta get a WR1!” To “YOU overpaid!” It’s almost as if they just need grist for the disingenuous grist mill.

I couldn’t solve today’s SteveRdle.

It would be sooooo epic if Kendra stumbled upon a Namibian village where the inhabitants were wearing Jaguars’ 2017 Super Bowl shirts.

C+C Music Factory questionable for July 4 with an upper body injury.

I’m sure Raymond Berry died contented secure in the knowledge his leading the Patriots to their 1st Super Bowl appearance and a winning overall record as HC is sufficient to earn a place in the Patriots Hall of Fame…eventually.

Happy National Egg Day.

Are these Unobstructed View commercials supposed to be enticing me to watch it?

It’s low-key kinda disrespectful to take Cam Newton’s number.

What’s with these horrible uniforms I’m seeing? “CLE!” “The Lou?” WTF?

Dan Lifshatz must have been betting on D1 tennis.

Well, if Colorado or Montreal can’t compete for the right to hoist Lord Stanley’s Cup, at least the famously hockey-mad burgs of Raleigh, North Carolina and Las Vegas, Nevada qualified to play.

Peter King never claimed Greg Bedard was almost a baseball coach!

Best bet for the weekend: no rainouts at Yankee Stadium.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. All the young dudes.

*There’s something different about Lucy, what is it though?*
*Kicky bangs? No. A new eyeshadow? No, that’s not it, either.*
*Huh. I’m stumped.*

05/28/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 28, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Kevin, Bert Bell coined the term ‘sidepiece’.

Whenever a Montreal fan complains about the referees an angel loses its wings.

Do we really have to call a grown man “Wemby”?

Rich Hill was on one inning, and Lou Merloni had a whole pizza in front of him. Jim Rice is on the next inning and the pizza was gone.

It’s definitely been staying lighter out later this year, no?

Celtics Derrick White is the only Gaurd on the NBA All Defensive First Team.

My favorite part of THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU was seeing Cape Cod become a part of the galaxy far, far away. Not sure what planet or location it was but the topography definitely appears Cape-inspired.

Paderborn back up in the Bundesliga where they belong.

Every action shot of SGA is just him mugging like Michael Winslow in Police Academy.

A Red Sox-level tapout from the Cavs. Shameful.

Name news: The new Red Sox reliever is Tyron Guerrero, not Tayron Guerrero. There has been a clerical error throughout his career that’s now corrected.

You can tell I’m a huge US soccer fan by how much I hate all the players.

Why do I listen to the SiriusXM Beatles channel Top 100 Beatles songs each Memorial Day weekend when I know am only going to get angry?

Cakes are cooking for Carroll Baker, Hans Dulfer, Terry Crisp, Gladys Knight, Rudolph Giuliani, John Fogerty, John Wells, Roland Gift, Eugene Robinson, Beth Herr, Glen Rice, Kari Wuhrer, Kylie Minogue, Ekaterina Gordeeva, Marco Rubio, Pat Peake, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Alexa Davalos, Jhonny Peralta, Colbie Calliat, and Michael Oher.

Have more guys thrown out at home in one weekend. I would be so mad at the 3rd base coach if I knew who he was.

They really are going to ruin Nate Bargatze for me by making him do movies, aren’t they?

I came this close to buying a new OTAs hat today but then remembered it’s better to wait until they are over so I can get one on sale.

Revs had trouble handling the CLT. I can relate. Wait, what?

I wish the Red Sox would just cut ties with Clemens. Or else just retire his number. It’s like the world’s longest foreplay. Do it or don’t but stop making me watch you dry hump each other.

Poor Sidney just had one of the toughest JEOPARDY! outings these eyes have ever seen. Looked like stage fright + not getting the buzzer thing down.

I have 3 retarded dogs, all various sizes and all mutts. Non of them piss indoors, or are afraid of the rain. Al Kaprielian can suck my dick.

Kyle wants us to race on, man. Enjoy the race, it’s what he wants.

Pretty sure I just saw the newly-crowned D3 national lacrosse champs @TuftsJumbos crushing Chick-Fil-A at Reagan National.

This new Spidey/Nic Cage joint now has my attention.

I can’t watch an OKC/NY finals. I’ll be too tempted to root for the Knicks and that will (a) feel disgusting and (b) be a miserable experience because they’ll get their teeth kicked in.

Hey gang of boring autists, this week’s Phase that Pays is, “Ended up having to order a button online, doesn’t match exactly.”

Coruscant should be a candidate for “Star Wars planet or places Kennedy’s drink?”

Mortal Kombat II was fine, but man, if there’s anyone who was going to bring Johnny Cage to life in live action, they NAILED IT with Karl Urban. God, he was fantastic.

Another well-earned vacation for Kendra.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

I had a couple of check engine lights come on. But they went off after I tightened the gas cap and drove for 20 or so miles. All fix!

Did the batting cages at Kimballs. I think I now require a stint on the DL.

Between GHOST, ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER, and “Hacks”, Tony Goldwyn has played some of the scumbaggiest mofos MF in screen history.

Merloni is as bad as Scal on replays.

My latest great idea: If a hockey team pulls their goalie, the other team should be able to put a 2nd goalie on the ice.

Gorg morning Ging!

Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla has been named the 2025-26 NBA Coach of the Year, earning the Red Auerbach Trophy.

He got the voices speakin’ riddles
He got the eye as black as coal
He got a suitcase covered with rattlesnake hide
And he stands right in the road.

You got to hidey-hide
You got to jump up run away.
You got to hidey-hidey-hide
The old man is down the road.

Saw Zo at Twin River a week ago. Huge beer gut. 6’5” with sunglassses gave him away. Very good to fans who approached him. Next morning I heard the Awaken180 commercial.

West Ham – Millwall twice next year just like God wanted.

Attn Celtics fans: what the Knicks did in their Game 4 destruction of the Cavs was play classic Tom Heinsohn basketball. That was the greatest fast break clinic since the 70s Celtics, and that includes the 80s “Showtime” Lakers.

Honk if you remember Patrick Roy.

Sal would’ve loved the Spurs parading Coach Pop around like Lou Carnesecca.

Serious NFL business was conducted in the Ground Round!

All time highs are when you’re supposed to invest.

Yes Mut, Red Sox fans chanted ‘sell the team’ because Portnoy popularized the phrase on Barstool merch.

The only thing that’s gay about the UFC is the muscular oiled up dudes in tight shorts rolling around on the ground, rubbing their nutsacks all over each other.

Knicks are in the finals and Shukri is a hyperlocal New Yorker again.

Best bet for the weekend: high temperatures and higher drama at Roland Garros.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I ain’t no fortunate son.

*And happy birthday to actress Christa Miller.*

2026 Memorial Day Weekend Mixtape Playlist

Posted on May 21, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

(Dear The15net dot com Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is the now-traditional & highly-anticipated musical playlist for your Memorial Day enjoyment. Click HERE to download.)

(This one will be released on two disks over two days. For reasons.)

Disk One-

Hug Like an Eye-talian – The Bangholes

It’s Raining 0.34″ of Men – The Weather BHLs

Call Me (A Needy Douchebag) – Dondie

Midnight Trade to Georgia – Jaylen Brown and the Bricks

Give It Away – Celtics Series Lead

Oh Tazzi – SteveR Perry

Fly Out Courageous – Driveline N Cryin

Where Can Sal Be Now? – Men Chatting at Work

Botox Fox – Mick Gindaloon and His Dumb Polacks

Dirty Dianna (The Kid is Not My Son) Remix – Michael Vrabeson

Taking care of BIZNESS! – Shukri Wrights Overdrive

You Alright? – RA and The Painkillers

I Feel Like A (Random) Number – Dan Kelley and the Silver Bullet Points Band

Have You Ever Seen an Italian Person Before? – Civian Clearwater Revival

(Fake) Rehab – Joshy Poorhouse

Song From That Low Powered Spanish Station in Lawrence That Routinely Beat WEEI Afternoons in the Ratings Goes Here

Sal Is Dead (Miss Him, Miss Him) – Amphibious Spaniards

Fake Plastic Cheeks – Bradyohead

The Dark Side of Running Your Mouth – Pink Froyd

Lifshatz Saw This Coming (And So Did I) – Turkeypie Jefferson

Message/Chat ChatMessage – Masterful Gambit

Lopopolo? – The Vowels Spaghetti Project

The Guys Get Shertenlieb! – The Definition of Insanity (with Paul Anka)

Barstool Instant Merch – The Big Itchy Tags

Make The Proud Young Americans Proud Again – Ron Catamount Muskmelon

Disk Two:

Sunshine, Lollipops & Rainbows – Lansdowne Echo Chamber

Stay Hungry – Twisted Agar

Fake Home Chicago – Stray Katz

Turned Down for Jobs – Lil Andy

I Forgot to Remember to Forget – CoreyB

Bobby Dalbec is More Precious Than a Grapefruit – Shigeyoshi Wholesome Entertainment and Vending Concern Song Group

If I Had a Hammer (I’d Hold It in the Middle) – Peter, Paul & Portnoy

(Don’t Go Back to) Nashua Jersey Mike’s – N.H.H.H.S.

Two Tickets to Game 7 – SPEDdie No Money

HHFCGHIJNNXD UVCXCD – Ozzy Osborne

While Greg Bedard Gently Weeps – The Beetles

No Mas Tequila (Cuttin’ Out The Booze Mix) – Sammy Agar

Shitty Fingers – Doinko Boingo

Papa’s Got a Brand New Gluebag – Dave Brown

My Name Is Joe Murray – Wheezer

Visualization Of The Space Mind Gargamel Part XI: The Idea of Gobert – Dero Spedes

Get Outta Here Cloud – Bob Ryan

I Love Young Americans – David Bowen

Mozart Believes in Me – Kenny Leave Rogers

Hymn To the Fallen Minifans – John Williams feat. El Prez’ Own Marine Life Band

(Have a song suggestion? Or a compliment? Leave it in the comments!)

05/20/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 20, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

I wish Jaylen would shut up OR dribble.

Surprised Mickey Gasper hasn’t been questioned about the Gardner Museum heist.

Hey, everybody. Chill. Wemby ain’t Wilt and Wilt wasn’t Wemby. Very different players. But thanks to Wemby’s versatility you could pair them, and wouldn’t that be frightening?

Why wouldn’t they just keep using an opener for Bello? Because it was actually working?

Too little, too late on that goalie change. methinks.

James Harden should be left on the airport tarmac even though they aren’t flying anywhere.

Kyle Schwarber looks like he could be a Steiner brother.

When the NFL’s schedule release aligns with your colonoscopy prep, you write about both.

In terms of Boston movies, RA thinks he’s Affleck in The Town, but he’s actually Cliff Robertson at the beginning of Charly.

Annie Agar has almost zero white knights.

Way to let slip your husband had a no-show job with the Sox, second Mrs. Varitek.

Florio suggesting that Russini was pressured into fucking Vrabel the same day someone finds her thirst trap video is perfect. No notes.

Cakes are cooking for Sadaharu Oh, Tison Street, Cher, Craig Patrick, Steve George, Jane Wiedlin, Bronson Pinchot, Susan Cowsill, Tony Goldwyn, David Wells, Todd Stottlemyre, Mindy Cohn, Busta Rhymes, Matt Czuchry, Mike Flanagan, Jayson Werth, Rachel Platten, Sierra Boggess, Chris Froome, Enes Kanter Freedom, Harris Reed, Tara Davis-Woodhall, and Trinity Rodman.

Genuinely woke up and immediately smiled thinking about how I get to watch Wemby later. Like first thought of the entire day.

It’s 2026 and we are complaining about not getting Brusder Gratarol in the Betts deal?

Tony ‘Engagement’ Farmer. Boom. Roasted.

It’s not until you start listening to Bill Simmons with your young kids in the car that you realize how often he curses – including dropping f-bombs – on air. We were listening to his episode with Nick Wright, and I felt like I’d brought my kids to see Goodfellas.

Not a lot of babies being named Bob like there used to be.

Homemade mayonnaise?

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses are replacing service between Wonderland and Revere Beach due to an issue with the overhead wire at Wonderland. Please expect delays as shuttles are dispatched.

Scal discovered Cooper Flagg and Stephen Curry.

I love a last name that reminds me of how Superman was paralyzed.

In accordance with his will, Mark Fuhrman’s Nazi memorabilia will be bequeathed to Curt Schilling.

I wonder why the white guy with a racially ambiguous name and million+ followers that commentates on the NBA chooses not to use an actual picture of himself?

It’s just easier to function when it’s pleasant outside and not awful.

Dave Mlicki pitched the very first regular-season game between the Mets and Yankees in 1997, and he shut out the defending champions, spinning curveballs and striking out eight. Any list of great Subway Series performers starts with him.

Hey gang of professional word-users, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You can see all the water shining on the grass.”

Man, how about that footie match? Blimey!

Mickey Gasper looks like if you incorporated Mario into RBI baseball with a cheat code.

Honk if you remember Schlitz beer.

‘Sir Winston Tulips’ was Upton Bell’s Provincetown stage name for the summer of 1980.

Maybe the Red Sox should let Tolle close his own starts?

Seems I’ve got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I’ve got to leave before I start to scream
Won’t someone lock the door and turn the key

Feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling too good myself (on, no)
If I feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling that good myself, yeah (oh, no)

Apparently there are people who are so anti-vaccine that they aren’t getting their dogs their rabies shots!!! WTF is that?! Never read Cujo?!

Who forgot to say Spida?

According to Annie Agar, she lost weight because she stopped eating refined sugar. Her entire diet must have consisted of refined sugar.

Kendrick Perkins needs to explode like Mr. Creosote.

You guys are so upset about the Red Sox being the only Boston team left when you could just be watching the Giro d’italia and then the Tour de France and then the Vuelta and then the world championships and then oh my goodness what’s this is that cyclocross I see!?

That is blatant Free Jacks erasure.

That fella who won the PGA Championship looked a bit too dusky to be an Englishman to me. Must be the coal dust.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa has now played all nine positions in the big leagues.

Hailey Van Lith sounds like an indie band name.

Break up the Revs?

The Buffalo Sabres fans can go back to not having jobs now, I guess.

Best bet for the weekend: reports of record-breaking travel.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take these broken wings And learn to fly again Learn to live so free.

*RIP to careless chanteuse Claudine Longet. She’s with Spider Sabich again, possibly.*

05/13/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 13, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Patriots first pick Caleb Lomu..6’6” 313 pounds is an AVID golfer..

Just a reminder Bostonians, Mickey Gasper has a moustache, while Chris Gasper has a beard.

First the Peebs, now the Fleet are done with the ‘yoffs too?

I hate the Montréal Canadiens with a burning passion, but sacre merde it must be unbelievable to watch a playoff game in their ol’ barn.

Jarren Duran shouldn’t be on any social media at all. No forms of communication except telegraph.

Actually, you can eject Wemby from a playoff game for that.

Maybe Mike Vrabel will get a year off like Cora did. Steve Roenicke available?

WWE is in its WCW era.

Nothing like the drip drip drip of NFL schedule release week.

Way to heroically win one more playoff game than the Celtics did, Sixers.

Something you may not know: Greg Weissert is a clubhouse glue guy. A close friend of Crochet, Story, Duran and the group of bigger names on the roster. A key cog in the clubhouse culture.

Being serious I can’t wait for the Patriots schedule to drop. Going week by week and figuring out which games I’m attending is awesome.

Mitch Johnson looks like one of the ethnically ambiguous backup dancers from “Hamilton.”

Cakes are cooking for Roch Carrier, Harvey Keitel, Senta Berger, Armistead Maupin, “Blue” Lou Marini, Magic Dick Salwitz, Stevie Wonder, Paul Thompson, David Simon, Dennis Rodman, Chris Washburn, Darius Rucker, Parrish J. Smith, Tom Nalen, Josh Taves, Pusha T, Barry Zito, Mike Bibby, Sunny Leone, Lena Dunham, Robert Pattinson, Tyrann Mathieu, Willson Contreras, and Morgan Wallen.

Bob Ryan spending his golden years replying to everyone on twitter is a cautionary tale for the sports debate industrial complex.

Trevor Bauer just needs to get Josina Anderson in his camp.

Duran deleting his whole Instagram account and not just the offending Holley post signals to everyone that he’s having a mental crash out, and that’s his comfort zone. Can’t criticize me!

I hope the $12.5M cap hit next season for the Grizzlies Brandon Clarke gets removed. Right thing to do.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Everyone whines about nepotism with regard to Noah Eagle. Did he have certain advantages to get his foot in the door? Of course. That’s called life. But once you’re in the door, you need to be good to stay there. And he is excellent.

TwoTimes tried to warn us.

Hey gang of innkeepers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you got time to tweet, you’ve got time to be neat.”

Is Ken the new WALLDICK? I’m missing out on all the zoinks action.

Philly must have contracted the Mazulla Myth, it must spread by human contact.

Bobby Cox didn’t die like five years ago? Huh.

You can call it what you wanna
I call it messin’ with the kid.

You know you’re at a good brewery when the two TV’s are playing women’s soccer and rodeo.

It’s UFC, not EBT.

Musta got lost, musta got lost, musta got lost
Somewhere down the line
Musta got lost, musta got lost
Give away the day you were mine.

That scene in the Netflix documentary where Cora was preparing the other coaches to handle Duran’s feelingzzzz if he didn’t make the all star team was so embarrassing.

Vic Morrow got an autopsy, too.

Jersey Mike’s turkey and provolone is one of the best subs you’ll ever have.

LeBron must be hating all the ‘will he or won’t he retire’ attention.

When Tolle walks off the mound he looks like a local stumbling out of Triple O’s in 1983.

Matt McCarthy also gets his dental work done at Town Fair Tire.

Hilarious to me that Roman Anthony talked up Alex Bregman all offseason as a leader and someone he looked up to, and then the Sox promptly let him go. Mighta been nice to keep a guy like that!

Kara Lawson shoulda been the third contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy! All-Stars with Katie and Mina!

Sad hearing about Ochre from Vengeance of the Nerds. Reminds me of my college days.

Ladies, for your own safety, stop messing with the thermostat!

Best bet for the weekend: tree pollen.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I just called, to say, I love you.

*And happy birthday to actress and apparently also singer Debby Ryan.*

05/06/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 6, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The show that was terrible on WZLX isn’t better on a worse station? Huh.

I’m just saying it’s awfully suspicious that Spirit Airlines went under right before every other sports fan in Boston was ready to drive Jaylen to the airport.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are lucky like Whitey Bulger when it comes to the Draft lottery.

Sports is supposed to be enjoyable but often sports is not.

Where’s the second longest bar in Worcester?

Ted Johnson wearing glasses makes me laugh every time.

Cakes are cooking for Masanori Murakami, Bob Seger, Jimmie Dale Gilmour, Mary MacGregor, David Leestma, Lynn Whitfield, Tony Blair, Tom Bergeron, Tim Simpson, Kate Collins, Julianne Phillips, George Clooney, Roma Downey, Mark Bryan, Martin Brodeur, Brooke Bennett, Edyta Sliwinska, Jason Witten, Adrianne Palicki, Gabourey Sidibe, Chris Paul, Emily Armstrong, Goran Dragić, Meek Mill, Dominika Cibulková, Jose Altuve, Naomi Scott, and Angel Reese.

I didn’t see the exit interview, did Jaylen say something pseudointellectual and glib?

The divorced whore table at the Knights was particularly aggressive the other night. I was focused on the game.

Hey, at least we don’t have to deal with any more stupid streaming-only Celtics playoff games this year.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I love that for them.”

Red Sox with a modest win streak?

Congratulations Stefon Diggs on your courtroom victory. Also; plan on being bankrupt about 5 minutes after retiring.

Green Line C Branch: May 6-17

Shuttle Buses replace service between Cleveland Circle & Kenmore for maintenance. Shuttles will not service Saint Mary’s Street, Kent Street, or Brandon Hall. Riders at Cleveland Circle can use the D Branch at Reservoir.

Does anyone in the world buy the middle tier of gasoline between unleaded and premium? Who is it for?

John Sterling. In life all good things come to an end, Suzyn. Like his shoehorning a Bambino-esque nickname for every Yankee player. RIP.

I stopped following Amaka Ubaka on Facebook tonight.

Divisive denim trend Szn!

Imagine being forced to scrub the floors while Bart Simpson menacingly informs you that your thetans are out of whack.

Punching Austin Reeves should be mandatory.

CVS needs to cool it with the text messages. I’ll pick up my prescriptions when I damn well please.

Buy gayer grass seed.

The Met Gala? Three Gobbles.

I would have watched Jaylen review tape on Twitch but, you know, I don’t have a gaming chair.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered?
Started hummin’ a song from 1962
Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closin’ in…

Honk if you remember when Pinkberry was at the Prudential.

I heard Spurs-Timberwolves Game 2 can only be seen with a View-Master.

A power strip is what everything plugs into. Electricity.

Robert Edward Turner III. He’s why everyone grew up watching the Atlanta Braves on the SuperStation TBS. RIP.

I’m sure Kevin Durant won’t poison the next team he ends up with.

Best bet for the weekend: Cosplay Canadians in Buffalo outplay the genuine Canadiens.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Night Moves.