Author Archives: scartsy15

05/25/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Soldiers and Sailors Monument, Upton, MA

Upton Bell still Call the holiday Decoration Day. Admiral Dewey Once gave Bert Bell a Commendation For bravery. Bert Bell is Upton’s father.

Last longer, Johnny Depp trial!

Jason Tatum is First Team All-NBA for no other reason than there can’t be 2 players from the same position on the All-NBA team.

Don’t look now, but your Big Swingin’ Red Sox have crept within only ten games out of first place!

Daniel Theis looks like he’s from Malden.

Cakes are cooking for Mike Myers, Stefka Kostadinova, Bill Haselman, Ruthie Bolton, Natalie Schneyder, Cillian Murphy, Brian Urlacher, and Aly Raisman.

Uodate: Emergency cake cooking for The Great Kid David Pastrňák as well.

Blue horseshoe loves crypto.

Get well soon, torn ACL Connecticut Sun lady.

If you had picked legendary baseball writer Roger Angell in the 2022 Death Pool, it would have penalized you a point when he died at the age of 101. Why would you have done that?

The Heat gamin’ the system??

I’m genuinely excited to buy brand new cologne today. Like no kidding I can’t wait. I’m a grown man excited to just being able to buy myself cologne and smell even better. I’m just weird, I don’t know, but I’m pumped.

Pro Tip: You can add periods to your Gmail address for cosmetic spacing purposes. You’ll still receive the emails as normal.

Yes, yes, Early Voting- Epicenter-Creative Minister was the W/P/S at the Preakness Stakes. But why is it called that?

News Item: Subway’s sweet onion sauce has been discontinued.

Hey gang that is part of an organized team, this week’s Phrase that pays is “Months. Away.”

Got a flyer in the mail for a new restaurant advertising a Sunday ‘Bottomless Brunch.’ That sounds exclusionary at best, and a hate crime at worst.

American Honda will voluntarily recall 4,346 Honda Accord (2021), CR-V (2021-2022), Insight (2022) and Ridgeline (2021) vehicles in the United States to replace the rear center seat belt assembly, for free. Certain incorrectly manufactured rear center seat belt assemblies may not allow activation of the automatic locking retractor function required to install certain child safety seats, potentially increasing the risk of injury to occupants in a crash. Honda has not received any report of injury related to this issue, which was discovered during quality inspections at a Honda factory.

You got this, Steven Tyler.

I remember – date and time
September 22nd Sunday twenty-five after nine
In the doorway
With your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces.

I know! I’ll use a picture of Rick and/or Morty to illustrate my excellent point! Look at me; I’m hashtagging!

A. Route One is 2369 miles in length.

Orange Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to police activity at Wellington. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

I’m hearing that koala medicine treats monkeypox.

Pittsburgh native and #Eagles VP of Player Personnel Andy Wiedl is slated to be named #Steelers’ new assistant GM, multiple sources around the league tell me. That means signs point to longtime Steelers exec Omar Khan emerging as winner of the search to replace Kevin Colbert.

A gut check match is on tap for the Revs versus Philadelphia Union, who sit atop Conference East.

Honk if you remember Razcal Soda.

“The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.” — Joseph Conrad

Please consider contributing to Chad Finn’s ‘Donruss to Donbas’ charitable endeavor.

I am also questionable for Game 5.

Move over, Dick Clark—Big Jim Murray is America’s oldest, fattest, most miserable teenager.

All my apes are gone babe.

Best bet for the weekend: the Indianapolis Motor Speedway once again at full capacity. Vroomy-vroom-vroom!

Everyone on this First Team spells their name funny.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Please Celebrate Responsibly.

And Happy Birthday to Molly Sims, pictured here well before the SI Swimsuit Issue lost the plot completely.

05/18/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Don’t feel bad if you had no idea this season’s Celtics team was this good. After all, you had to depend the local media to keep you informed as to that.

Say hello to your fourth place Boston Red Sox! Suck it, Baltimore!

The Bruins were a nice story for the first two weeks in May, but now it’s time for the Celtics in the NBA Playoffs, I think that’s how you have to look at it.

Gino Cappelletti. OOTG’s. He will be missed.

Chris Paul just wins everywhere he goes except Wake Forest and New Orleans and Los Angeles and Houston and Oklahoma City and Phoenix.


‘You only think Grant Williams is good because he had a career-defining Game Seven performance’, isn’t the killshot you think it is, stupid.

Cakes are cooking for Reggie Jackson, Rick Wakeman, Rodger Davis, Jeana Yeager, Yun Fat Chow, Jari Kurri, Yannick Noah, Ingo Schwichtenberg, and Martika.

Betting is such a scam. You lose money if you don’t get it right.

Maybe the Patriots beat writers can convince a Make-A-Wish kid they really don’t want to meet The Rock, they want to know the exact responsibilities of each NE Assistant and positional coach.

How many points did Giannis and Fredo Antetokounmpo combine for in Game Seven?


i get it, nba and nhl playoffs etc….but i can’t recommend much higher than the height of the softball postseason, which we are rapidly approaching

Blue Line Update: Regularly scheduled train service has resumed between Airport and Bowdoin. There will be temporary speed restrictions in place between Airport and Maverick to allow the track and ballast to properly settle.

Did Al Horford get Ken Mattingly-ed?

The 15 have a tight 45 minute set prepared for any and all Tom Brady Roasts. DM’s are open.

Attention media, slow your roll with gaffer taping a gold watch into Patrice Bergeron’s hand and shoving him onto the nearest ice floe.

A tie is better than a loss, Revs. And it’s worth a point, just like a draw!

I would urge you all to be as tolerant as you can be of baseball’s new rules. The game has some issues. They’re trying to work on it. Give them a little space.

Malicious compliance! Fie!

Hey gang of libertines, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No I was angling for it and the other chick was like come back to our room and drink and I’m like ‘let me get my wife’, but the shuttle had left so we missed it and I was annoyed and it was all downhill from there.”

I remember when Pasta was a Good Kid. What am I saying, he’s still a Good Kid!

American Honda will voluntarily recall approximately 725,000 Passport (2019), Pilot (2016-2019) and Ridgeline (2017-2020) vehicles in the United States to reinforce each vehicle’s hood striker area and inspect the hood for potential related damage. If related damage is found outside of the hood striker area, that hood will be replaced for free. No related crashes or injuries have been reported in relation to this issue.

I am laughing out in the loud.

The Titans and first round WR Treylon Burks have agreed to terms on his 4-year, $14,369,590 fully guaranteed contract with a fifth-year team option. Rookie contracts coming together quickly.

Tom Cruise is a very polarizing individual these days.

News Item: Alex Cora is reportedly pleased with encouraging updates that Chris Sale ‘recognizes what a baseball is almost six time out of ten’ during workouts.

It’s a wonderful time to be here
It’s nice to be alive
Wonderful people everywhere
The way they comb their hair
Makes me want to say
It’s a wonderful place
It’s a wonderful place
It’s a wonderful place
For you
For you
For you

I guess we really aren’t getting that Remo Williams sequel now. RIP, Fred Ward.

What an odd hat to be wearing in this weather.

Honk if you remember Mount St. Helens.

A positive from the Bruins first round exit; I can go back to forgetting that Billy Jaffe exists.

A: Charlie Burdge.

JUST IN: U.S. Soccer has reached a deal to pay the men’s and women’s national teams equally, eliminating a contentious pay gap that saw female players earning less.

Break up the Birmingham Stallions!

Ime became a good coach the minute he figured out when to call time outs.

Nothing quite like the atmosphere of driving to the south shore to play soccer on a turf field in an industrial park.

School principals just sit around all day.

Boras: X gon have to wait until the season is complete to discuss any contract extension.

Best bet for the weekend: Tulsa golf.

Gil. Gino. Enough said.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. A real romantic place.

We may have used this pic before in the BJBSJ days.

05/12/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Don’t cry, Beantown losers. You’re still winners by association.

Well that game turned from a laugher into a real kick to the yarbles, didn’t it?

Gonna need the Garden crowd to will the Bruins to a victory.

Jeff Howe should let people know he beat cancer.

Getting real 1966 season vibes from this Red Sox squad.

NFL SZN Schedule leak SZN.

I missed having Gabby Williams in the W so damn much.

If the Mets have a NESN equivalent, and they do, expect the, Cinco de Mayo Milagro to be in heavy rotation.

Cakes are cooking for Lou Whittaker, Ving Rhames, Thomas Dooley, Cara Coughenour, Tony Hawk, Jim Furyk, and Samantha Mathis.

Bob Lanier was a true gentleman. A nicer man than he was a player — and he was a hell of a player.

Terrible called strike three. A McDonald’s kiosk wouldn’t have missed that.

The #Bills are hiring #Texans assistant director of player personnel Matt Bazirgan for the role of Senior Personnel Executive in Brandon Beane’s front office. Some expertise and experience after the loss of Joe Schoen to the #Giants.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “A day late and a dollar short.”

My doggy is awfully sweet, but sometimes I would like to be able to put on my shoes without a dog standing 8 inches in front of me saying “Let’s go let’s go let’s go. What’s taking you so long?”

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses will continue to replace train service between Airport & Government Center through Tuesday, May 17. Special ferry service continues between Lewis Mall (near Maverick) and Long Wharf North (near Aquarium)

Man, that Barstool thing that happened, with those Barstool people; crazy, isn’t it?

Congratulations on your very first Calder Cup playoff game win, Springfield Thunderbirds.

All we ask is that NBA officials treat Giannis the way NFL officials did Gronk during his Patriots tenure.

Bob DeFelice has retired after 54 seasons and 1,868 games as Bentley’s head coach. He has been the only head coach since the inception of the baseball program in 1969.

Pro Tip: The wedding reception you are going to that is being held on a farm in a ‘historic barn’ means no air conditioning.

American Honda Motor Co., Inc. (Honda) is recalling certain 2020 model year Accord Hybrid, 2020 model year CR-V Hybrid, and 2020-2021 model year Insight vehicles. The DC-DC converter on certain power converter units (PCUs) contain transistors with a high concentration of dopant injections. The increased doping, along with cold ambient temperatures, could amplify the voltage output and shut down the DC-DC converter due to overvoltage, which prevents the 12-volt battery from recharging.

“I’m going to go out tonight and pay for a Strange box” does not mean what it sounds like.

Always said you were a youth quaker, Edie
A stormy little world shaker
Warhol’s darling queen, Edie
An angel with a broken wing

The dogs lay at your feet, Edie
Oh, we caressed your cheek
Oh, stars wrapped in your hair
A life without a care
But you’re not there.

Van Gundy is already shocked about that Game 6 foul call on Giannis!

Forget Apple TV, Red Sox games should be on CNN+!

Grilled bison? #SignMeUp

Sad to see Brady have to settle for a media job after getting his ownership plans ruined by Bill and his missent text message.

Honk if you remember TCR -Total Control Racing.

Never make fun of someone for mispronouncing a word. That just means they read it somewhere first. Instead, make fun of them for being a book-reading nerd.

Is Ja Morant the new Ewing Theory exemplar?

Can’t wait for the scene in Season 9 of Winning Time when Magic learns he contracted HIV from a toilet seat and the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music plays.

For his next book, I hope Bob Ryan writes a speculative fiction one about what the NBA scores would be if the 3-point shot gimmick had never been introduced.

Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Stihdsy.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Mine is room temperature lemon-lime seltzer!

Best bet for the weekend: important Game Sevens.

What could have been. Sorry that Hatrack McBouncepass conned everyone into thinking he was still competent and stole your job.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Fire woman, you’re to blame.

Alex Kraemer did nothing wrong! Bruins could benefit by her presence in Carolina. What?

05/04/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Yupppppp. Yoto yoto.

May the Fourth of May Be With You!

So have the Celtics regained home court advantage?

Don’t be ascared of the fake Whalers, Bruins!

Bill Belichick: Eight Rings. Chris Curtis: Ninth Place. Scoreboard, dummy.

Now would be a good time to flip the switch and turn the season around, Red Sox.

Andrew Callahan looks like that ‘SoyJak’ meme guy got his wish from the Blue Fairy to become a real boy.

Cakes are cooking for Randy Travis, Martyn Moxon, Dawn Staley, Gregg Alexander, Gretchen Ulion, Heather Kozar, and Andrew Raycroft.

You couldn’t pay me to hug Roger goddell

Can you feel me? Like I feel you? Can our hearts still beat together?

I’m not a TV doc when it comes to diagnosing injuries, but that fella who went after Dave Chappelle has got to be listed as doubtful for tomorrow.

Wayne Newton looked almost as bad as Courtney Fallon.

I don’t know about Dondero, but Mittens Volin looked like he was swinging a driver built for Zee Chara.

“For every 100 ‘likes’ we will make Volin’s golf club longer.”

If you’ve lost Sheil Kapadia, you’re toast.

Matt Chatham would never eat a cow. Beef comes from steers, stupid.

Hey gang of Northeast Seaboard metropolitan sports fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “That’s stolen valor.”

Mattapan Trolley Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Hey, Elon! Still waiting for that Twitter loyalty reward … a shiny new Tesla. You know you want to give me one.

The Seahawks and Bucs will play in Munich, Germany in Week 10 of the NFL regular season.

Is MegO wearing her hair in Princess Leia buns for her first day at WEEI?

Kenny Pickett is going to the can go home again.

Oh, for the days of 7-8-9 hitter Butch Hobson driving in 112 runs. You don’t believe me? Look it up.

Last night I dug your picture out from my old dresser drawer
I set it on the table and I talked to it ’til four
I read some old love letters right up ’til the break of dawn
Yeah I’ve been sittin’ alone diggin’ up bones

Then I went through the jewelery and I found our wedding rings
I put mine on my finger and I gave yours a fling
Across this lonely bedroom of our recent broken home
Yeah tonight I’m sittin’ alone diggin’ up bones

Of course Nantucket votes to allow topless beaches only after Linda downsized her frontyard.

How can there be a wrong kind of speed in an athlete?

Man, that one guy at work…he is weird, like a platypus.

Real hyperlocal fans don’t need to delete tweets that provide compelling evidence of being an actual fan of other franchises. Just sayin’.

Honk if you remember the Old Man of The Mountain.

Titus Welliver. Red Sox fan. OOTG’s.

I think there may have been some funny business going on between that lady corrections officer and the escaped prisoner.

Fish paralyzer > Beaver tranquilizer.

I am assuming that the Trevor Bauer 324 game suspension starts counting from the point he was suspended last summer, right? Anybody know for sure?

Enjoy retirement, Rutgers Hoops Coach C. Viv Stringer.

Hey bro, remember how good Tiger’s chest looked during The Masters? How does yours stack up? By the way, DK has a great chest.

Best bet for the weekend: a fast horse winning The Derby.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Bobert Ryan, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. If you wonder how long I’ll be faithful I’ll be happy to tell you again I’m gonna love you forever and ever Forever and ever, amen.

Blake Lively’s Met Gala afterparty dress. Also striking. She was memorable in The Town.

04/27/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

A numbered Motif, in scenic Rockport. It is not Vernon’s house.

Nice job Celtics. But a sweep-clinching 4 point win is still only 25% as dramatic as winning by 1 point.

People should be more accepting of Tanner Houck’s personal decision.

My Mock Draft? Already ruined!

Bruins look playoff-ready. Which is good, considering how close we are to said playoffs.

That Happas guy is clearly a cosmeticist, and not a geneticist.

That was quite the standing ovation for a dead Guy up in Montreal. Attendez, quoi?

Gabby probably types the letter ‘A’, and then autocorrect fills in the “s a sportswriter and editor” for her.

Just being honest, I am jealous that Boston doesn’t have a WNBA or USFL team. I am also disappointed that the Boston Cannons and MLL no longer exist. I only have the sports bandwidth to follow leagues when I’m invested in a team, which means having a local team.

Cakes are cooking for Kate Pierson, Doug Sheehan, Ari Vatanen, George Gervin, Arielle Dombasle, James LeGros, Bridgette Gordon, Jason Whitlock, and Maura West.

So did Jerry Remy die, or Don Orsillo? I’m confused.

Hey gang of Basementonians, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Don’t eat tomatoes. Prick!”

No Lowell Spinners this year? Again?

You can criticize Leah Hextall without bringing her gender into it.

Man, I miss The Four’s.

Is Kenny Anderson sending his jersey from one FedExOffice location to another?

I wonder if that girl from the Cake song now regrets changing her name from Kitty to Karen.

Alex Kraemer did nothing wrong!

The real Yankee Letter is written in invisible ink on the back of the fake Yankee Letter. Pass it on.

Rhea Seehorn.

Worcester Line Train 512 (10:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station due to train traffic.

Paris Hilton’s behavior at Coachella has everyone saying the same thing.

Andover is in Essex County? Since when? DARREN!!

The Bucs are picking up LB Devin White’s 5th year option, per source.

What’s Amber Heard’s Venmo? Asking for a friend.

In my new version of Winning Time, I’m having Jeanie fuck Red instead of Phil.

Don’t tread on an ant, he’s done nothing to you
There might come a day when he’s treading on you
Don’t tread on an ant, you’ll end up black and blue
You cut off his head, legs come looking for you

So unplug the jukebox
And do us all a favor, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, that music’s lost its taste
So try another flavor

Can it really be twenty years since Derek Lowe’s no-hitter at Fenway?

Honk if you remember the Bird/Russell/Cousy/Havlicek/Pierce/Garnett Celtics team.

They better never close down the Charlestown 99.

So do we get the clearly fake Eddie Andelman Twitter account back, Elon?


If you ask me, the marshmallow Peeps are better when they are a bit stale.

What really happened at Shedd Park on July 4 1992?

My favorite Tom Brady multipart documentary? The next one.

The Red Sox batting approach this year is to swing at everything and hope you connect. I don’t know, maybe it will work. Never has before.

I saw that Bob Denver died again. Could ivermectin have saved him?

Any information coming out over the next 24 hours is because somebody WANTS it to come out.

Best bet for the weekend: Alex Cora’s steady hand righting the Local 9, OR Multiple draft busts for Bill. (To be read as a William Conrad Rocky & Bullwinkle cliffhanger narration.)

“I want my profile pic to say ‘the thinking man’s Charles Robinson, but with a 1966 Batman guest villain undertone.’ Can you do that?”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, The Entitled Town Group Chat, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? Your subtle innuendos follow; There must be somethin’ inside.

No sidelines in baseball. Foul lines. But the sideline reporters are fair, not foul.

04/20/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Yes, you can play better defense than someone who has a bigger contract, you dummies.

What’s all this I’m hearing about a War on THE15?

Hope you bet on a Kenyan winning.

Run the ‘score more goals than the opposing squadron’ play, Revs.

People who don’t think Smart was DPOY-worthy also think Mac Jones has hit his ceiling, and for the same reason.

Is Chebet like Smith?

Get well soon Bruins players.

Is Jamos deploy in Donbas fight denazify Ukraine, same as trade Hayward. No time watch games, but biggest Celtics East Euro moment since 1988 Royal Cheese preseason tournament, John Most no pronounce Dražen Petrović vroom vroom weeee crash Hahaa I boil boot make soup. Is Jamos.

Cakes are cooking for John Carney, Raymond van Barneveld, Grant Smith, Carmen Elektra, Lenka Němečková, and Lisa Ervin.

Hey Big Starr, can you tell me where do they serve meat sandwiches at Fenway Park?

I miss having the box scores in the newspapers. Has any pitcher won two games yet? See, if all the box scores were in the paper, I would know that. But when you have to look up box scores on the internet, you miss some stuff.

Sorry Charlie Day was scheduled for April 6th, but was celebrated locally on April 19th.

Effective immediately, wearing a mask on the T is now optional except for on The RIDE. The MBTA continues to follow @CDCgov guidelines in encouraging people to wear face masks on public transit. Please respect your fellow passengers’ decisions.

Iowa St LB Jake Hummel is visiting the #Bears today after visiting the #Vikings last week. He’s been busy with meetings & workouts since a Pro Day where his 4.50 forty would have ranked 4th among LBs, his 6.85 3-cone would have ranked 1st, and his 4.28 20-yd shuttle ranked 2nd.

Catching up on news I missed during my depressive episode and I’ve learned that Liz Sheridan died. She’s best known as Jerry’s mom on “Seinfeld” but I will always remember her as the delightfully-named Mrs. Ochmonek on “ALF.” R.I.P.

Zebra Cakes for breakfast…#Owning

I refuse to believe @katienolan is a poor broadcaster, doesn’t know baseball, etc. She does. I’m *convinced* some Apple TV bigwigs told her in private like “our producers/male viewers cannot handle a hyper competent, young, attractive, hilarious woman in MLB media so tank this”.

O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap! O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap!

Not trying to be mean, but it feels like MLB umpires should need to be able to pass some sort of physical fitness test.

Hey gang of amateur particle physicists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Find proton both sides vibe.”

Fenway Park has announced expanded Vegetarian options this season, with peanuts now available at the following locations: Home Plate Deck – Fifth Floor – Big Concourse – Home Plate Concourse – Coca Cola Deck – 3rd Base Concourse – Twins ’47 Third Base Deck – Pavilion Level – 1st Base Concourse – Jersey Street – Right Field Roof Deck

Oh yes, I would be remiss if I did not congratulate Peres Jepchirchir on her Boston Marathon win.

UBurger is down to one location on the edge of downtown Andover near Phillips Acadamy. The burger boom has gone bust.

Kate Beckinsale Posted A Sexy Snap Wearing Fishnets, And I Can’t Stop Staring At Her Sculpted Legs

I’m much wiser now
A lifetime of memories run through my head
They taught me how
For better or worse
Alive or dead
I realize there’s no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track

Losing the mask mandate was a good start, but now howabout taking down the extra protective netting past the dugouts at Fenway?

Charge more for hoops tix, UConn.

Honk if you remember emergency call boxes on highways.

Add April Graupel (Jerimoth Hill Community College – Track Team) to my great sports names file.

I can probably name more DPOY’s than PMOY’s.

Pro Tip: the voluntary workouts are actually kinda mandatory, N’Keal.

All you biologists sure told Catherine Varitek! LOL. ROTFL.

A Patriots Hall of Fame red jacket probably coordinates well with Vince Wilfork’s jort bib overalls. Probably.

BetQL wants to pay Lucy more, but worries that she will spend the money on food.

Shouldn’t have fucked with The Logo, McKay.

Say hello to your AL East leading Boston Red Sox.

Moist nut butters!

Best bet for the weekend: good seats being available at The Trop.

The swan boats? Guess what? They’re back. Can spring weather be far behind?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. (Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)

And HBD to Miranda Kerr, who apparently has a Fall birthday in her native Australia.

04/14/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Is Opening Day at Fenway just around the corner? It truly is.

’81-81 here we come’ is still in play.

So, basically Schefty’s initial tweet said “Haskins was hit by a dump truck that might as well have been hauling his wasted career in the back.”

Nets fans want Boston, eh? Be careful what you wish for.

If Steve Pagliuca buys Chelsea, then two Boston sports teams will share ownership with two Prem League clubs. ‘New England’, indeed.

Hasta la bye-bye, Jerry York. Stick tap.

Why don’t they make the whole season out of tournaments?

Cakes are cooking for Shari Redstone, Meg Mallon, Mike Trombley, Anthony Michael Hall, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Rebecca DiPietro.

Schefter added ‘tragic’ onto his latest update in case nobody considered a 25 year old getting killed by a car a tragedy. I’ve seen dozens of tweets saying that 25 is too young to die. I didn’t know that.

Everyone’s Clayton Kershaw hot take is wrong, even those that directly contradict the others.

Are the Celtics playing to win a sign that Williams will be back sooner than expected, or that Jaylen really isn’t vaxxed?

Scottie Schleffler did not ‘come out of nowhere’, you dummies.

There’s no difference between a fracture and a break.

I have no idea if we got participation trophies as a kid because I always won.


Hey gang of pretend overtime enthusiasts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Crazy with all this talk about contact sports. I played Hockey at a Catholic school that still today is one of premier”

Get your house in order, TalkShoe.

Kyrie Irving Pretending to Fast Game > Michael Jordan Flu Game.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester Line trains on the inbound platform (Track 2) at Westborough and Grafton until further notice today.

Tiger Woods’ caddie, Joe LaCava of Newtown, CT, is apparently a big Giants fan.

I have a belly button.

Well, I heard the Ukranians were actually targeting the Moskva’s identical sister ship, the Sixto.

Speaking of the NBA and vaccines, Dr. Jonas Salk’s polio vaccine had been in use for 30 years back when the Knicks last won anything.

God, did you hear about the late Gilbert Gottfried’s Aladdin co-star Robin Williams?

At least nobody can ever say Nick Wright’s hair isn’t lifelike.

F1 Fun Fact: the safety car has only been deployed once in the last eight years, during the Hungarian Grand Prix.

Would’ve been a bigger tragedy had Haskins performed up to expectations; then we’d have to consider impacts to keeper leagues. What?

You know your former newspaper is desperate for ad revenue when a giant ad for Astroglide personal lubricant shows up on its Internet home page. That’s a slippery slope they’re going down.

But then one night in the lobby, yea, of the Commodore Hotel
I chanced to meet a bartender who said he knew her well
And as he handed me a drink he began to hum a song
And all the boys there, at the bar, began to sing along

If you’ll be my Dixie chicken I’ll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together down in Dixieland
Down in Dixieland, down in Dixieland

It’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools or wardrobe provider.

Fenway Park is now cashless? How so? Because every time I would go to a Red Sox game, I’d always leave having no cash left!! BWAHAHAHA!!! But seriously Craig, a ‘reverse ATM’ sounds dirty.

Honk if you remember the ARA General Belgrano.

Never should have placed that futures bet that a Belarusian runner would win the Marathon.

Welcome to the team, Vernon Dozier.

An interesting one: the Colts hosted CB Stephon Gilmore on a visit today.

I had no idea Greg Hill was also a firefighter!

If it’s an actual person on base, it’s not a ghost runner, stupid.

Doug Edert and Bryant College? A perfect match! PTT!

Best bet for the weekend: delicious and peaceful Easter dinners.

She plays bass guitar? What can’t Megan Rapinoe do?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW user Lefty, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Yes, this is a day late. What are you gonna do about it. Weep.

Mrs. Justin Verlander wishes you a Happy Easter. It always comes back to baseball, Danny.

04/06/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Why yes, he is quite pleased with himself.

March Sadness champ Greg Bedard wasted no time preparing his title defense, which is weird because he can no longer compete.

No one tell me who won the basketball championship! I taped it to watch later!

JK; I know the 1957 title game loss was avenged! Right Bob?

Perhaps we’re letting our hatred of Massarotti cloud our judgment that he sucks.

Warren Sharp’s real name? Touty McToutface.

YOU thought the Celtics were going to coast to the ECF before Rob got hurt! You did! You did!

Get well soon, Hampsy.

Cakes are cooking for Black Francis, Gerald Diduck, Paul Rudd, Tim Hasselbeck, Myleene Klass, Diora Baird, James Wade, and Peyton List.

Celtics need to somehow figure out how to do the player honors/number retirement ceremonies when they play on the road.

Cautiously optimistic about Team USA’s chances playing out of Group B.

I hope Tiger Woods is cutting his Ambiens in half. It would suck to win The Masters and have no memory of it.

They took the plexiglass down at the front counter of the package store last week. The pandemic is over.

Hey gang possibly consisting of an odd number of people, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Who have the ok to the weekend thing?”

Mattapan Trolley: Shuttle buses replace trolley service the weekend of April 30 – May 1, from start to end of service.

SwingJuice sells hospital gowns?

Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never read too much in spring training stats, good or bad. But Bobby Dalbec has had a good spring. Letting the ball get deep, good swings, letting his power play. Good balance, etc. Looks very hitterish.

There are evidently two Queensryches now.  The one that’s awesome, and the one everyone thinks sucks. And if you have two Queenryches, you have none.

I want Solomon Hughes to make a Tim Duncan movie after seeing him in Winning Time. They could call it “The Most Boring Movie Ever.”

Like Lucy, that Greg Hill Show poll question had Curtis’s grubby fingerprints all over it.

Jeff Howe’s successful battle with cancer was shorter than some people’s entire careers in the mulching business.

Be less consistent as to which jacket pocket you put your car keys in…you can’t!

Cameron Smith? Does he look good in green? Could be.

To be fair, Gerry Callahan had no idea his coffee beans sold for $14.88. That’s because he figured the price in Reichsmarks.

Add boys lacrosse players Caden Padelford & Devin Lampron from Waconah Regional HS (Dalton, MA) to my list of great sports names.

Could be holding you tonight
Could quit doing wrong, start doin’ right
You don’t care about what I think
I think I’ll just stay here and drink.

Hey, puttin’ you down, don’t square no deal
Least you know the way I feel
Take all the money in the bank
I think I’ll just stay here and drink.

Dan Orlofsky first and foremost should be concerned about being a Maynard G. Krebs lookalike.

Honk if you remember the Ice Capades.

Can Doctor Strange diagnose sports injuries on TV from his Bleeker Street sofa?


Fun Fact: the phrase “clappin’ them cheeks” was coined by Bert Bell.

This is where my ‘Duke lost, Lakers eliminated, watch out Yankees fans’ joke would go if I didn’t see Mike Coley or whoever from Barstool make one first. Whew! That was close!

No cute little cake cooking for Lou Merloni? Sniff. I’m making a mockery of his birthday!

The Patriots converted $2.85M of DE Deatrich Wise’s base salary into a signing bonus, creating $1.9M in salary cap space per source. A move made to accommodate the trade of WR Devante Parker.

The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry will have to wait a day to be renewed.

Best bet for the Weekend: azaleas and Jim Nantz wildly overestimating how many of us consider him to be our friend.


Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, The Entitled Town Group Chat, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Listen close and you can hear that loud jukebox playin’ in my ear.

“Miss Spirinac is ready for The Masters.
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