Category Archives: The Sports Junk Drawer

05/12/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Don’t cry, Beantown losers. You’re still winners by association.

Well that game turned from a laugher into a real kick to the yarbles, didn’t it?

Gonna need the Garden crowd to will the Bruins to a victory.

Jeff Howe should let people know he beat cancer.

Getting real 1966 season vibes from this Red Sox squad.

NFL SZN Schedule leak SZN.

I missed having Gabby Williams in the W so damn much.

If the Mets have a NESN equivalent, and they do, expect the, Cinco de Mayo Milagro to be in heavy rotation.

Cakes are cooking for Lou Whittaker, Ving Rhames, Thomas Dooley, Cara Coughenour, Tony Hawk, Jim Furyk, and Samantha Mathis.

Bob Lanier was a true gentleman. A nicer man than he was a player — and he was a hell of a player.

Terrible called strike three. A McDonald’s kiosk wouldn’t have missed that.

The #Bills are hiring #Texans assistant director of player personnel Matt Bazirgan for the role of Senior Personnel Executive in Brandon Beane’s front office. Some expertise and experience after the loss of Joe Schoen to the #Giants.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “A day late and a dollar short.”

My doggy is awfully sweet, but sometimes I would like to be able to put on my shoes without a dog standing 8 inches in front of me saying “Let’s go let’s go let’s go. What’s taking you so long?”

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses will continue to replace train service between Airport & Government Center through Tuesday, May 17. Special ferry service continues between Lewis Mall (near Maverick) and Long Wharf North (near Aquarium)

Man, that Barstool thing that happened, with those Barstool people; crazy, isn’t it?

Congratulations on your very first Calder Cup playoff game win, Springfield Thunderbirds.

All we ask is that NBA officials treat Giannis the way NFL officials did Gronk during his Patriots tenure.

Bob DeFelice has retired after 54 seasons and 1,868 games as Bentley’s head coach. He has been the only head coach since the inception of the baseball program in 1969.

Pro Tip: The wedding reception you are going to that is being held on a farm in a ‘historic barn’ means no air conditioning.

American Honda Motor Co., Inc. (Honda) is recalling certain 2020 model year Accord Hybrid, 2020 model year CR-V Hybrid, and 2020-2021 model year Insight vehicles. The DC-DC converter on certain power converter units (PCUs) contain transistors with a high concentration of dopant injections. The increased doping, along with cold ambient temperatures, could amplify the voltage output and shut down the DC-DC converter due to overvoltage, which prevents the 12-volt battery from recharging.

“I’m going to go out tonight and pay for a Strange box” does not mean what it sounds like.

Always said you were a youth quaker, Edie
A stormy little world shaker
Warhol’s darling queen, Edie
An angel with a broken wing

The dogs lay at your feet, Edie
Oh, we caressed your cheek
Oh, stars wrapped in your hair
A life without a care
But you’re not there.

Van Gundy is already shocked about that Game 6 foul call on Giannis!

Forget Apple TV, Red Sox games should be on CNN+!

Grilled bison? #SignMeUp

Sad to see Brady have to settle for a media job after getting his ownership plans ruined by Bill and his missent text message.

Honk if you remember TCR -Total Control Racing.

Never make fun of someone for mispronouncing a word. That just means they read it somewhere first. Instead, make fun of them for being a book-reading nerd.

Is Ja Morant the new Ewing Theory exemplar?

Can’t wait for the scene in Season 9 of Winning Time when Magic learns he contracted HIV from a toilet seat and the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music plays.

For his next book, I hope Bob Ryan writes a speculative fiction one about what the NBA scores would be if the 3-point shot gimmick had never been introduced.

Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Stihdsy.

What’s your guilty pleasure? Mine is room temperature lemon-lime seltzer!

Best bet for the weekend: important Game Sevens.

What could have been. Sorry that Hatrack McBouncepass conned everyone into thinking he was still competent and stole your job.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Fire woman, you’re to blame.

Alex Kraemer did nothing wrong! Bruins could benefit by her presence in Carolina. What?

05/04/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Yupppppp. Yoto yoto.

May the Fourth of May Be With You!

So have the Celtics regained home court advantage?

Don’t be ascared of the fake Whalers, Bruins!

Bill Belichick: Eight Rings. Chris Curtis: Ninth Place. Scoreboard, dummy.

Now would be a good time to flip the switch and turn the season around, Red Sox.

Andrew Callahan looks like that ‘SoyJak’ meme guy got his wish from the Blue Fairy to become a real boy.

Cakes are cooking for Randy Travis, Martyn Moxon, Dawn Staley, Gregg Alexander, Gretchen Ulion, Heather Kozar, and Andrew Raycroft.

You couldn’t pay me to hug Roger goddell

Can you feel me? Like I feel you? Can our hearts still beat together?

I’m not a TV doc when it comes to diagnosing injuries, but that fella who went after Dave Chappelle has got to be listed as doubtful for tomorrow.

Wayne Newton looked almost as bad as Courtney Fallon.

I don’t know about Dondero, but Mittens Volin looked like he was swinging a driver built for Zee Chara.

“For every 100 ‘likes’ we will make Volin’s golf club longer.”

If you’ve lost Sheil Kapadia, you’re toast.

Matt Chatham would never eat a cow. Beef comes from steers, stupid.

Hey gang of Northeast Seaboard metropolitan sports fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “That’s stolen valor.”

Mattapan Trolley Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Hey, Elon! Still waiting for that Twitter loyalty reward … a shiny new Tesla. You know you want to give me one.

The Seahawks and Bucs will play in Munich, Germany in Week 10 of the NFL regular season.

Is MegO wearing her hair in Princess Leia buns for her first day at WEEI?

Kenny Pickett is going to the Steelers..you can go home again.

Oh, for the days of 7-8-9 hitter Butch Hobson driving in 112 runs. You don’t believe me? Look it up.

Last night I dug your picture out from my old dresser drawer
I set it on the table and I talked to it ’til four
I read some old love letters right up ’til the break of dawn
Yeah I’ve been sittin’ alone diggin’ up bones

Then I went through the jewelery and I found our wedding rings
I put mine on my finger and I gave yours a fling
Across this lonely bedroom of our recent broken home
Yeah tonight I’m sittin’ alone diggin’ up bones

Of course Nantucket votes to allow topless beaches only after Linda downsized her frontyard.

How can there be a wrong kind of speed in an athlete?

Man, that one guy at work…he is weird, like a platypus.

Real hyperlocal fans don’t need to delete tweets that provide compelling evidence of being an actual fan of other franchises. Just sayin’.

Honk if you remember the Old Man of The Mountain.

Titus Welliver. Red Sox fan. OOTG’s.

I think there may have been some funny business going on between that lady corrections officer and the escaped prisoner.

Fish paralyzer > Beaver tranquilizer.

I am assuming that the Trevor Bauer 324 game suspension starts counting from the point he was suspended last summer, right? Anybody know for sure?

Enjoy retirement, Rutgers Hoops Coach C. Viv Stringer.

Hey bro, remember how good Tiger’s chest looked during The Masters? How does yours stack up? By the way, DK has a great chest.

Best bet for the weekend: a fast horse winning The Derby.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Bobert Ryan, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. If you wonder how long I’ll be faithful I’ll be happy to tell you again I’m gonna love you forever and ever Forever and ever, amen.

Blake Lively’s Met Gala afterparty dress. Also striking. She was memorable in The Town.

04/27/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

A numbered Motif, in scenic Rockport. It is not Vernon’s house.

Nice job Celtics. But a sweep-clinching 4 point win is still only 25% as dramatic as winning by 1 point.

People should be more accepting of Tanner Houck’s personal decision.

My Mock Draft? Already ruined!

Bruins look playoff-ready. Which is good, considering how close we are to said playoffs.

That Happas guy is clearly a cosmeticist, and not a geneticist.

That was quite the standing ovation for a dead Guy up in Montreal. Attendez, quoi?

Gabby probably types the letter ‘A’, and then autocorrect fills in the “s a sportswriter and editor” for her.

Just being honest, I am jealous that Boston doesn’t have a WNBA or USFL team. I am also disappointed that the Boston Cannons and MLL no longer exist. I only have the sports bandwidth to follow leagues when I’m invested in a team, which means having a local team.

Cakes are cooking for Kate Pierson, Doug Sheehan, Ari Vatanen, George Gervin, Arielle Dombasle, James LeGros, Bridgette Gordon, Jason Whitlock, and Maura West.

So did Jerry Remy die, or Don Orsillo? I’m confused.

Hey gang of Basementonians, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Don’t eat tomatoes. Prick!”

No Lowell Spinners this year? Again?

You can criticize Leah Hextall without bringing her gender into it.

Man, I miss The Four’s.

Is Kenny Anderson sending his jersey from one FedExOffice location to another?

I wonder if that girl from the Cake song now regrets changing her name from Kitty to Karen.

Alex Kraemer did nothing wrong!

The real Yankee Letter is written in invisible ink on the back of the fake Yankee Letter. Pass it on.

Rhea Seehorn.

Worcester Line Train 512 (10:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station due to train traffic.

Paris Hilton’s behavior at Coachella has everyone saying the same thing.

Andover is in Essex County? Since when? DARREN!!

The Bucs are picking up LB Devin White’s 5th year option, per source.

What’s Amber Heard’s Venmo? Asking for a friend.

In my new version of Winning Time, I’m having Jeanie fuck Red instead of Phil.

Don’t tread on an ant, he’s done nothing to you
There might come a day when he’s treading on you
Don’t tread on an ant, you’ll end up black and blue
You cut off his head, legs come looking for you

So unplug the jukebox
And do us all a favor, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, that music’s lost its taste
So try another flavor
Antmusic
Antmusic
Antmusic
Antmusic

Can it really be twenty years since Derek Lowe’s no-hitter at Fenway?

Honk if you remember the Bird/Russell/Cousy/Havlicek/Pierce/Garnett Celtics team.

They better never close down the Charlestown 99.

So do we get the clearly fake Eddie Andelman Twitter account back, Elon?

Cormorants!

If you ask me, the marshmallow Peeps are better when they are a bit stale.

What really happened at Shedd Park on July 4 1992?

My favorite Tom Brady multipart documentary? The next one.

The Red Sox batting approach this year is to swing at everything and hope you connect. I don’t know, maybe it will work. Never has before.

I saw that Bob Denver died again. Could ivermectin have saved him?

Any information coming out over the next 24 hours is because somebody WANTS it to come out.

Best bet for the weekend: Alex Cora’s steady hand righting the Local 9, OR Multiple draft busts for Bill. (To be read as a William Conrad Rocky & Bullwinkle cliffhanger narration.)

“I want my profile pic to say ‘the thinking man’s Charles Robinson, but with a 1966 Batman guest villain undertone.’ Can you do that?”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, The Entitled Town Group Chat, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? Your subtle innuendos follow; There must be somethin’ inside.

No sidelines in baseball. Foul lines. But the sideline reporters are fair, not foul.

04/20/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Yes, you can play better defense than someone who has a bigger contract, you dummies.

What’s all this I’m hearing about a War on THE15?

Hope you bet on a Kenyan winning.

Run the ‘score more goals than the opposing squadron’ play, Revs.

People who don’t think Smart was DPOY-worthy also think Mac Jones has hit his ceiling, and for the same reason.

Is Chebet like Smith?

Get well soon Bruins players.

Is Jamos deploy in Donbas fight denazify Ukraine, same as trade Hayward. No time watch games, but biggest Celtics East Euro moment since 1988 Royal Cheese preseason tournament, John Most no pronounce Dražen Petrović vroom vroom weeee crash Hahaa I boil boot make soup. Is Jamos.

Cakes are cooking for John Carney, Raymond van Barneveld, Grant Smith, Carmen Elektra, Lenka Němečková, and Lisa Ervin.

Hey Big Starr, can you tell me where do they serve meat sandwiches at Fenway Park?

I miss having the box scores in the newspapers. Has any pitcher won two games yet? See, if all the box scores were in the paper, I would know that. But when you have to look up box scores on the internet, you miss some stuff.

Sorry Charlie Day was scheduled for April 6th, but was celebrated locally on April 19th.

Effective immediately, wearing a mask on the T is now optional except for on The RIDE. The MBTA continues to follow @CDCgov guidelines in encouraging people to wear face masks on public transit. Please respect your fellow passengers’ decisions.

Iowa St LB Jake Hummel is visiting the #Bears today after visiting the #Vikings last week. He’s been busy with meetings & workouts since a Pro Day where his 4.50 forty would have ranked 4th among LBs, his 6.85 3-cone would have ranked 1st, and his 4.28 20-yd shuttle ranked 2nd.

Catching up on news I missed during my depressive episode and I’ve learned that Liz Sheridan died. She’s best known as Jerry’s mom on “Seinfeld” but I will always remember her as the delightfully-named Mrs. Ochmonek on “ALF.” R.I.P.

Zebra Cakes for breakfast…#Owning

I refuse to believe @katienolan is a poor broadcaster, doesn’t know baseball, etc. She does. I’m *convinced* some Apple TV bigwigs told her in private like “our producers/male viewers cannot handle a hyper competent, young, attractive, hilarious woman in MLB media so tank this”.

O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap! O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap!

Not trying to be mean, but it feels like MLB umpires should need to be able to pass some sort of physical fitness test.

Hey gang of amateur particle physicists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Find proton both sides vibe.”

Fenway Park has announced expanded Vegetarian options this season, with peanuts now available at the following locations: Home Plate Deck – Fifth Floor – Big Concourse – Home Plate Concourse – Coca Cola Deck – 3rd Base Concourse – Twins ’47 Third Base Deck – Pavilion Level – 1st Base Concourse – Jersey Street – Right Field Roof Deck

Oh yes, I would be remiss if I did not congratulate Peres Jepchirchir on her Boston Marathon win.

UBurger is down to one location on the edge of downtown Andover near Phillips Acadamy. The burger boom has gone bust.

Kate Beckinsale Posted A Sexy Snap Wearing Fishnets, And I Can’t Stop Staring At Her Sculpted Legs

I’m much wiser now
A lifetime of memories run through my head
They taught me how
For better or worse
Alive or dead
I realize there’s no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track

Losing the mask mandate was a good start, but now howabout taking down the extra protective netting past the dugouts at Fenway?

Charge more for hoops tix, UConn.

Honk if you remember emergency call boxes on highways.

Add April Graupel (Jerimoth Hill Community College – Track Team) to my great sports names file.

I can probably name more DPOY’s than PMOY’s.

Pro Tip: the voluntary workouts are actually kinda mandatory, N’Keal.

All you biologists sure told Catherine Varitek! LOL. ROTFL.

A Patriots Hall of Fame red jacket probably coordinates well with Vince Wilfork’s jort bib overalls. Probably.

BetQL wants to pay Lucy more, but worries that she will spend the money on food.

Shouldn’t have fucked with The Logo, McKay.

Say hello to your AL East leading Boston Red Sox.

Moist nut butters!

Best bet for the weekend: good seats being available at The Trop.

The swan boats? Guess what? They’re back. Can spring weather be far behind?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. (Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)

And HBD to Miranda Kerr, who apparently has a Fall birthday in her native Australia.

04/14/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Is Opening Day at Fenway just around the corner? It truly is.

’81-81 here we come’ is still in play.

So, basically Schefty’s initial tweet said “Haskins was hit by a dump truck that might as well have been hauling his wasted career in the back.”

Nets fans want Boston, eh? Be careful what you wish for.

If Steve Pagliuca buys Chelsea, then two Boston sports teams will share ownership with two Prem League clubs. ‘New England’, indeed.

Hasta la bye-bye, Jerry York. Stick tap.

Why don’t they make the whole season out of tournaments?

Cakes are cooking for Shari Redstone, Meg Mallon, Mike Trombley, Anthony Michael Hall, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Rebecca DiPietro.

Schefter added ‘tragic’ onto his latest update in case nobody considered a 25 year old getting killed by a car a tragedy. I’ve seen dozens of tweets saying that 25 is too young to die. I didn’t know that.

Everyone’s Clayton Kershaw hot take is wrong, even those that directly contradict the others.

Are the Celtics playing to win a sign that Williams will be back sooner than expected, or that Jaylen really isn’t vaxxed?

Scottie Schleffler did not ‘come out of nowhere’, you dummies.

There’s no difference between a fracture and a break.

I have no idea if we got participation trophies as a kid because I always won.

Drinks?

Hey gang of pretend overtime enthusiasts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Crazy with all this talk about contact sports. I played Hockey at a Catholic school that still today is one of premier”

Get your house in order, TalkShoe.

Kyrie Irving Pretending to Fast Game > Michael Jordan Flu Game.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester Line trains on the inbound platform (Track 2) at Westborough and Grafton until further notice today.

Tiger Woods’ caddie, Joe LaCava of Newtown, CT, is apparently a big Giants fan.

I have a belly button.

Well, I heard the Ukranians were actually targeting the Moskva’s identical sister ship, the Sixto.

Speaking of the NBA and vaccines, Dr. Jonas Salk’s polio vaccine had been in use for 30 years back when the Knicks last won anything.

God, did you hear about the late Gilbert Gottfried’s Aladdin co-star Robin Williams?

At least nobody can ever say Nick Wright’s hair isn’t lifelike.

F1 Fun Fact: the safety car has only been deployed once in the last eight years, during the Hungarian Grand Prix.

Would’ve been a bigger tragedy had Haskins performed up to expectations; then we’d have to consider impacts to keeper leagues. What?

You know your former newspaper is desperate for ad revenue when a giant ad for Astroglide personal lubricant shows up on its Internet home page. That’s a slippery slope they’re going down.

But then one night in the lobby, yea, of the Commodore Hotel
I chanced to meet a bartender who said he knew her well
And as he handed me a drink he began to hum a song
And all the boys there, at the bar, began to sing along

If you’ll be my Dixie chicken I’ll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together down in Dixieland
Down in Dixieland, down in Dixieland

It’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools or wardrobe provider.

Fenway Park is now cashless? How so? Because every time I would go to a Red Sox game, I’d always leave having no cash left!! BWAHAHAHA!!! But seriously Craig, a ‘reverse ATM’ sounds dirty.

Honk if you remember the ARA General Belgrano.

Never should have placed that futures bet that a Belarusian runner would win the Marathon.

Welcome to the team, Vernon Dozier.

An interesting one: the Colts hosted CB Stephon Gilmore on a visit today.

I had no idea Greg Hill was also a firefighter!

If it’s an actual person on base, it’s not a ghost runner, stupid.

Doug Edert and Bryant College? A perfect match! PTT!

Best bet for the weekend: delicious and peaceful Easter dinners.

She plays bass guitar? What can’t Megan Rapinoe do?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW user Lefty, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Yes, this is a day late. What are you gonna do about it. Weep.

Mrs. Justin Verlander wishes you a Happy Easter. It always comes back to baseball, Danny.

04/06/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Why yes, he is quite pleased with himself.

March Sadness champ Greg Bedard wasted no time preparing his title defense, which is weird because he can no longer compete.

No one tell me who won the basketball championship! I taped it to watch later!

JK; I know the 1957 title game loss was avenged! Right Bob?

Perhaps we’re letting our hatred of Massarotti cloud our judgment that he sucks.

Warren Sharp’s real name? Touty McToutface.

YOU thought the Celtics were going to coast to the ECF before Rob got hurt! You did! You did!

Get well soon, Hampsy.

Cakes are cooking for Black Francis, Gerald Diduck, Paul Rudd, Tim Hasselbeck, Myleene Klass, Diora Baird, James Wade, and Peyton List.

Celtics need to somehow figure out how to do the player honors/number retirement ceremonies when they play on the road.

Cautiously optimistic about Team USA’s chances playing out of Group B.

I hope Tiger Woods is cutting his Ambiens in half. It would suck to win The Masters and have no memory of it.

They took the plexiglass down at the front counter of the package store last week. The pandemic is over.

Hey gang possibly consisting of an odd number of people, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Who have the ok to the weekend thing?”

Mattapan Trolley: Shuttle buses replace trolley service the weekend of April 30 – May 1, from start to end of service.

SwingJuice sells hospital gowns?

Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never read too much in spring training stats, good or bad. But Bobby Dalbec has had a good spring. Letting the ball get deep, good swings, letting his power play. Good balance, etc. Looks very hitterish.

There are evidently two Queensryches now.  The one that’s awesome, and the one everyone thinks sucks. And if you have two Queenryches, you have none.

I want Solomon Hughes to make a Tim Duncan movie after seeing him in Winning Time. They could call it “The Most Boring Movie Ever.”

Like Lucy, that Greg Hill Show poll question had Curtis’s grubby fingerprints all over it.

Jeff Howe’s successful battle with cancer was shorter than some people’s entire careers in the mulching business.

Be less consistent as to which jacket pocket you put your car keys in…you can’t!

Cameron Smith? Does he look good in green? Could be.

To be fair, Gerry Callahan had no idea his coffee beans sold for $14.88. That’s because he figured the price in Reichsmarks.

Add boys lacrosse players Caden Padelford & Devin Lampron from Waconah Regional HS (Dalton, MA) to my list of great sports names.

Could be holding you tonight
Could quit doing wrong, start doin’ right
You don’t care about what I think
I think I’ll just stay here and drink.

Hey, puttin’ you down, don’t square no deal
Least you know the way I feel
Take all the money in the bank
I think I’ll just stay here and drink.

Dan Orlofsky first and foremost should be concerned about being a Maynard G. Krebs lookalike.

Honk if you remember the Ice Capades.

Can Doctor Strange diagnose sports injuries on TV from his Bleeker Street sofa?

Rochie…Yeaaaaaaaaa…!!!!!

Fun Fact: the phrase “clappin’ them cheeks” was coined by Bert Bell.

This is where my ‘Duke lost, Lakers eliminated, watch out Yankees fans’ joke would go if I didn’t see Mike Coley or whoever from Barstool make one first. Whew! That was close!

No cute little cake cooking for Lou Merloni? Sniff. I’m making a mockery of his birthday!

The Patriots converted $2.85M of DE Deatrich Wise’s base salary into a signing bonus, creating $1.9M in salary cap space per source. A move made to accommodate the trade of WR Devante Parker.

The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry will have to wait a day to be renewed.

Best bet for the Weekend: azaleas and Jim Nantz wildly overestimating how many of us consider him to be our friend.

Soon.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, The Entitled Town Group Chat, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Listen close and you can hear that loud jukebox playin’ in my ear.

“Miss Spirinac is ready for The Masters.

03/30/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Boston Pride. Yes indeed.

Meniscus Tear Twitter is the worst.

Consecutive Isobel Cup wins? Titletown is back, Baby!!

Every time Bob Kraft speaks when there’s no confetti on the ground, I like him less.

A Michigan/Denver and Minnesota/Minnesota State Frozen Four in Boston? Why all the yellow seats, Dale?

Outcome Based Rules Change SZN.

Pro Tip: Maybe don’t go with the 3-year BSJ membership option.

Cakes are cooking for Joey Sindelar, MC Hammer, Dave Ellett, Julie Richardson, Martin Love, and Chris Canty.

Honestly, the worst part about the slap is the TAKES we’re being subjected to by the blue check brigade in response to it. Insufferable. SHUT. UP.

Taylor Hawkins devoted half his life to fighting Foo. I doubt we shall see his like again. RIP.

I really wish I was a suit person, I’d love to be the guy in the suit at Wrestlemania week in Dallas.

If you could be rich and powerful in life, but have your name be disgraced throughout history, would you do it?

You did the HIPAA violation! You did! You did!

Sometimes when I’m feeling particularly emotionally unstable and just need to cry I watch the video of Secretariat in retirement running around by himself in a paddock by a lake, anyone else? No just me. Cool cool cool.

Fun Fact: Rutgers is the State University of New Jersey, not Michigan!

Following a thorough in-depth inspection of the Orange Line tunnel, MBTA engineers & partner agencies have determined that it is safe to resume Orange Line service. Trains will travel at reduced speeds in this area & bypass Haymarket Station, which is closed until further notice.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is ‘Good call, Karen Carpenter.’

Do Charlie and Jada’s alpacas know each other?

Middle schoolers are known for their perfect defensive rotations.

Well I’ve heard Kimberley A. Martin and Cari Champion can’t even legally ride in the same Uber.

Paige Bueckers? More like Paige Buckets, amirite?

It’s physically impossible to have not heard a Foo Fighters song, even for late adoption country & western devotees.

Q: What did Troy Kotsur say when they told him he’d won an Oscar? A: WHAT?!

I’m not saying The North End Restaurant Community should take inspiration how to deal with the Mayor from that slapping incident at the Oscars, but..

I could almost go there
Just to watch you be seen
I could almost go there
Just to live in a dream.

But no, I won’t go for any of those things
To not touch your skin is not why I sing
I can’t help myself
I’ve got to see you again.

Now is fighting allowed in the PHF, or do they just tease someone ’til they develop an eating disorder?

Honk if you remember the Ice Capades.

Can’t wait to see the Top Gun sequel. How many of Admiral Iceman’s ribbons are for volleyball?

You have to worry about all those Dikembe Mutombo-type eighth graders.

Are bucket hats the new painter’s caps?

I bet Eddie Andelman call that song ‘Everyone Forgets About Bruno.’

That was a big win for Trackhouse Racing.

I do not now know enough details to conclude whether or not Jabril Peppers will be part of the compensatory pick calculations.

The thing is, the Foo always win out in the end.

Thanks again to all the March Sadness voters for getting us this far.

Best bet for the weekend: more blueblood basketball than a horseshoe crab pick-up game.

For Old Friend BBtL.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, pseudonymous radio professionals masquerading as a sibling, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Dark, like the shady corners, inside a violin.

Erin Gray, who probably didn’t deserve that slap. Probably.

03/23/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Story Time! PTT!

I hope everyone had an enjoyable Antivernal Equinox. Yes, I say ‘antivernal.’

John Clayton always looked to be the picture of robust good health. RIP.

Everyone but YOU got better!

News Item: The Red Sox will wear a patch this season to commemorate Jerry Remy. A nicotine patch?

The secret to the Celtics success? They dropped the umlaut.

In some ways “We Are All Patriots”, but in a more correct way Ty Montgomery is now a Patriot.

Are we sure Cesar “The Abuser” Peralta is capable of such a heinous act?

Cakes are cooking for Teresa Ganzel, Steve Redgrave, John Strohm, Yasmeen Ghauri, Jonas Bjorkman, and Jason Kidd.

The 15 also possess hypersonic missiles. No, you can’t see them.

I’ve been saying “What would they do with Leonard Fournette?” in my Lou Gorman voice talking about Willie McGee.

And now I’ll have lunch.

It’s a bad look to sell more PS5’s than you actually have on hand, Karen Guregian. It is!

One note on the NBA: Does anyone else miss the twenty second timeout?

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Everyplace is a bathroom if you really want it to be.”

Not often you hear Semisonic’s other song.

Whoever the referee was who decided that the signal for the 3-point shot was 1 arm raised (3-point try) and the second arm raised when it goes in… that guy was an absolute genius. The signal for an exciting play is the same as a universally understood symbol for excitement.

What’s with the billowy slacks? Can we bring back the tight pants, clams?

Middleborough/Lakeville Line Train 011 (11:15 am from South Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Montello and Middleborough.

Ah yes, please explain to me, a baseball editor, that spring training games do not count!

It’s hard to hate plumage.

Honk if you remember red pistachios.

Hey, I’ve got an idea for new Bruins defenseman Hampus Lindholm’s nickname: ‘Lindy’.

Ever so rarely that man in a million’s born
Gentle and soft, but who’d just as soon off you,
For looking the wrong way as not

‘I didn’t even recognize youse cuz you look nothing like your mugshot!’ is probably considered a good thing to say when being introduced to a mobster.

The lesson from last season shouldn’t be “Do what the Rams did.” It should be “Any given Sunday.”

That junkie horse from the Kentucky Derby died?

That package of turkey from the deli grab-and-go section was $13.50, and not the $3.50 I thought it was? Less than ideal.

The PC Friars hoopsters will have some tough calamari to chew facing Kansas.

Will now be tweeting some random thoughts.

Best bet for the weekend: Bobby Dalbec adding to his Grapefruit League-leading RBI totals.

From The 15/15 Vision Eye Chart Column:

SPOTTED: Michael Stipe & Claude Julien splitting a basket of loaded fries at Cleveland Hopkins Airport.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Laszlo Panaflex and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hit the Panic Button! 

And Happy Birthday to actress Nicholle Tom.

03/16/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Theyah ruining my Ides of March, caller! (h/t ITT From Route One in Brookline)

Thanks to all who are participating in the March Sadness Biggest Mediot Tournament. the voters, not the media.

News Item: They hear you.

The Red Sox have starting pitchers to show us how many weird ways people can injure themselves, apparently.

It would be laugh out loud hilarious if someone tweeted that Brady came out of retirement because his children were poorly behaved.

Why not this Bruins team?

Every Patriots transaction that doesn’t get less in return than the Herschel Walker trade isn’t a fleecing you weirdos.

NBCSN couldn’t have brought Dickerson back for a day to work the bleep button for KG’s jersey number retirement ceremony?

Cakes are cooking for Flavor Flav, Patty Griffin, Pat Harlow, Blu Cantrell, Alexandra Daddario, Theo Walcott, and Joel Embiid.

What happens in The Sandlot if you hit a ball into the rusted-out junk car? Ground rule double?

An Alpha can’t get drip fits that cost bands without his bag, son.

Maybe Deshaun Watson just misunderstood the boundaries of the legal tampering period?

There’s nothing like a good quality order of onion rings.

You know, back in the day, The NIT was the Tournament everyone paid attention to.

Scott Hall won’t be down to re-form American Starship with Dan Spivey.

Hey gang of valor thieves! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Looking for some fisting pumping fun for your big night!?”

The Raiders traded Khalil Mack in September of 2018 to the Bears. The following month, they traded Amari Cooper to the Cowboys. Three seasons later, each of them has been traded again just two days apart.

Who divided up the days into hours
The hours into minutes
How could they really be that smart?
Who divided up the minutes into seconds?
They must’ve had a broken heart
Must’ve had a broken heart

So that Billerica/Boston College kid the Bruins just signed has an Irish last name, but the French misspelling of Mark? Must be one of them New England mixed marriages.

Don’t know why I checked in on Touch and Rich, but Plain Black Hat thinks the hyperlocal Lizzie Borden house is in Salem.

Saw two girls fistfight at Sullivan’s Tap after a Celtics win last week so yeah, I’m thinkin’ Boston’s back.

Hypermiling!!

What happens when Purdue plays Wisconsin? Who gets all the calls then?

Red Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes northbound due to a train with an earlier mechanical problem at Downtown Crossing.

My attitude about the new MLB labor deal is that I’m happy to be the last person to figure what was done. As long as we have a season, I’ll get the details when they matter.

Back in my day all you needed for a SWAT show was a cool theme song, a bread truck painted blue, and Bobby Urich.

Hey well I’m the friendly stranger in the black sedan won’t you hop inside my car
I got pictures got candy I am a lovable man I’d like to take you to the nearest star
I’m your vehicle baby
I’ll take you anywhere you wanna go

I’m your vehicle woman
By now I’m sure you know that I love ya (love ya)
I need ya (need ya)
I want you got to have you child
Great God in heaven you know I love you

Re-watching The Little Mermaid and something I didn’t catch the first time is that Ariel says she is sixteen years old and the film ends with a wedding.

Your profile picture is you at Gillette.

The year I officially gave up on playing college basketball was 1997 when I began taking classes at Harvard… Makes the math easier.

Bill forgot to develop Winovich! Like a roll of film in an old desk drawer!

Amanda Bynes has revealed that a Hollywood director once cruelly told her that she ‘looked like a monster’ in certain lighting.

Best of luck to the UMass Minutewomen in the distaff roundball Tourney.

An NFT to WEEI’s Larry Johnson would be ‘no feeling (in) toes.’

Honk if you remember Dennis Brolin.

You’ve got to be careful, dealing with idiots. They’re apt to catch you by surprise by doing something so dumb you wouldn’t believe a grown person could actually behave like that.

No more sports news programming over to NESN?

The lockout really reduced the number of Red Sox writers from March Sadness consideration. An oversight.

Spulpits are mostly trust funders passing time away at their Dad’s finance firm until they can realize their lifelong dream of being the next Breer or Princiotti. Useless.

Best bet for the weekend: Providence Friars once again lucking out.

You got another one of your own, KG.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Coma and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Time for the Follies. Cya on the Weekend Thread.

And we’d be remiss if we did not wish a happy birthday to actress Lauren Graham.

03/09/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Soon?

Are you doing your part to decide who moves on in the March Sadness Biggest Mediot Tournament?

Level with me: is it too late in the season to start my backyard rink?

I wasn’t going to gamble online until the betting sites began signing talentless dipshits to produce content.

Why not this Celtics team?

I hear tell my buddy Bootleg Barnicle has instructed the maids to refer to caviar as ‘Freedom Fish Eggs’ for the duration of the current crisis.

Does Russell Wilson think lightning will strike twice in Denver and he will get carried to a Super Bowl win by the Broncos defense?

Hope the Packers shareholders won’t have to work extra shifts at the plant or get a side hustle to pay Aaron!

A letdown loss after a successful West Coast road trip isn’t the end of the world, Bruins fans.

The Revolution kick off Leg 1 of the Scotiabank Concacaf Champions League Quarterfinals Wednesday night at Gillette Stadium. Tickets are available.

Cakes are cooking for Tony Lockett, Michael Patrick MacDonald, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Clint Dempsey, and Oscar Issac.

Kyle Van Noy released: Dan O’Brien Kia commercials hardest hit.

One of my favorite Coach K memories over the last 40 years was Dickie V always referring to her as ‘the beautiful Mickie Kryzweski’, in case anybody thought he was lying about his glass eye.

Jim Rice: kind to injured little girls, mean to reporters. I’m okay with that.

You will NEVER see a live action MCU film where Graviton is the main villain but any Marvel head knows he’s a major Avengers foe. Most people don’t read comic books. Reality is, the cartoons or live action films/shows are the entry point for most people watching these movies…

So I tune in to the NEC Men’s Basketball Conference Championship game and a Mexican soccer match broke out!

Bobby Wagner, any relation?

Mister we could use a man like Claire Chennault again.

An NFL player that took last year off to deal with “mental health” issues spent the off-time gambling on games, then spent today reacting to his suspension with a series of LOL tweets. But yeah, they definitely should have cut Agholor, given up draft picks and paid Ridley $11MM.

Why did you buy the vitamins if you’re not going to remember to take them?

If you want some way to let the people around you know Pasta Is A Good Kid, but nonverbally; you may soon be in luck.

Hey gang of immunized cheeseheads, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “however, reports about me signing a contract are inaccurate.”

Have a more obvious frame-up of Britney Griner, Russian border agents. You can’t!

Basketball players vaping weed? C’mon, Boogie.

Green Line B Branch Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Alex Bowman doing the legacy of the No. 48 car proud with a win at Vegas.

d. Nobody likes a fatso, Elton John. Disappointing.

In a voice message sent to a group chat that has been widely shared in Dominican baseball circles, David Ortiz, perhaps the most influential baseball voice in the country, came out strongly against the international draft, according to a copy of the message obtained by ESPN.

‘Cause you’ve got personality
Walk (with personality)
Talk (with personality)
Smile (with personality)
Charm (with personality)
Love (with personality)
And plus you’ve got a great big heart!

Ben Allbright pretending to be hacked by Russians is still the greatest Twitter moment.

I just looked it up. Merrimack is still ineligible for postseason play until the 23-24 season.

Honk if you remember gasohol.

So does only Russia get to have oligarchs? You’d think Greece would have some.

This “fake reporter” is trying to be better. As I said have a nice day.

No Foxboro franchise tag slapping?

Will Mr. Entenmann’s casket be white with a clear plastic window? RIP you baking legend.

Congratulations to Robert Kraft and Dr. Dana Blumberg on their engagement.

Why do I have to wait until October to watch Oz?

I’m going to call it ‘The Drew Lock Trade’.

Best bet for the weekend: an unexpected winner of The PLAYERS Championship at TPC Sawgrass.

The only Robert Wagner that matters.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW poster Pats67 and the members of #the15 were used in this column. So over (over and over) And over (over and over) Oh, I’ll be a fool for you.

Alexandra Daddario. Approve!
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