The 15

“Stay off the roads” they say as they’re driving around showing you how bad the roads are.

Jakobi lateraled away a few million from his bag.

KG wants to know if Marcus Smart’s cereal also tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.

It’s not MY dead money. Aloha, Jonnu.

Is UConn poised for a March Madness run?

So we give them a bunch of Oscars so they will stop sending us novel coronaviruses, is that it?

There is no such thing as a post June 1 trade.

Craig Teed was just scouting prospects.

Boeheim. And Ewing. Makes you think.

You haven’t heard much about the Ides of May, July, or October for the better part of the past 425 years.

Cakes are cooking for Mark McGrath, Sabrina Salerno, Louis Riddick, Mike Tomlin, Eva Longoria, will.i.am, Kevin Youklis, Daryl Murphy, Tom Chilton, and Tatiana Shmailyuk.

Do YOU ever sit back and contemplate the life jackpot that Taylor Swift hit? Those looks AND that voice in one person. The odds of that genetic combination seem borderline impossible.

I like Marquette’s coach, he speaks well and I’d feel safe around him.

The 1950’s were the height of human athleticism.

That Steven Adams AT&T commercial has big ‘Brian Orakpo, All-Pro Linebacker’ energy.

Service Update: Riders should plan for additional travel time & longer headways on the Red, Orange, Blue, Green & Mattapan Lines this week as T engineers continue to perform repair validations & speed verifications following a DPU site visit last week.

There’s heart attack snow in the heart attack driveway.

Mindy Kaling, she’s from Boston. Home of Harvard University. I’m pretty sure Mindy knows what a trust fund kid is and I’m pretty sure she isn’t one herself.

DePaul and Xavier aren’t original Big East teams?

Short Round was also the kid in The Goonies? Did not know that.

Nicaragua is having a tough World Baseball Classic. Lordy!

Hey gang of disavowed Carmine Hose podcasters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I could see you being like a sneaky 17.”

Has Josina Anderson ever talked to a honkie NFL player?

Taxing un-realized capital gains is the government’s version of claiming you slept with every woman who wouldn’t go have coffee with you.

Well my wave length gets a little longer,
Every time I wave goodbye,
Sentimental break down,
You know I break down and lie,
Where I’m not supposed to lie my head,
Always seems my softest pillow.

A: Merle Oberon.

Stop using Japanese release dates for video game consoles…

Bob Melvin Saturday Jay Groome–acquired by the Padres for Eric Hosmer last season–may open the season im the majors as a lomng reliever.

Salma Hayek has got to be the hottest 70-year old of all time.

Every time I see a clip for the Barstool Man Cave Gambling Cave thing, I get depressed.

Honk if you remember Pi being irrational.

News Item: Diamond Sports Group, which operates Bally Sports regional networks, has filed for bankruptcy.

YOU drove The Player to a tax haven. You did!

We finally got a History of the World Part 2, but not holding my breath for Rock & Roll Part 3.

Nothing like a tournament at New England Center in Marlborough to put a cap on the Hockey season.

Is every Boston-adjacent celebrity endorsing one of the sportsbooks or is it just my imagination?

Corpus Christi is not an island.

Get well soon, Mr. Springsteen. All the sportswriters, and I mean all of them, are hoping and/or praying for your speedy recovery.

Big battle brewing between Blackburn and Shukri to be Bean’s 6 AM Saturday Revs co-host.

Best bet for the weekend: Not Rutgers. Sorrey!

Know this: Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, as well as Peter Gammons,  Bill James, BSMW posters Feejis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column, All the things that I used to say, All the words that got in the way, All the things that I used to know have gone out the window. 

I’m going to make so much money with all my free online bets when the sites and apps go live. Suckers! Ka-ching!

“That should have been me!” Chris Sale on Justin Turner’s injury, probably.

NYJ Owner Woody Johnson’s name literally means “an erection.”

Three losses in a row can never just be three losses; they have to be due to an overarching systemic malaise that will doom the team if it happens come playoff time.

Let Merrimack play in the Tourney, Charlie Baker!

You will know things are really bad on the Ja Morant front when they start using his given name.

World Baseball Classic Fever! Catch it! Unless you’re immunocompromised, I guess.

Just wait until whoever the Boston Globe sports editor is discovers another way to take a swipe at the Krafts is by warning the Bruins not to wind up like the 2021 Supporters’ Shield-earning New England Revolution.

Cakes are cooking for Micky Dolenz ,Randy Meisner, Jim Rice, Karl Schnabl, Gary Numan, Buck Williams, Andrea Parker, Jason Elam, Georgios Georgiadis, Hines Ward, James Van Der Beek, Mark Worrell, Milana Vayntrub, and Petra Kvitová.

The way a lot of the media in this town went from shitting on Matt Patricia at every turn to blaming the Patriots for his failures is just tremendous.

It’s said that no one needs a Twitter vacation more than the man just coming back from one.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Michael Palardy, aloha.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester Line trains on the outbound platform (Track 1) at Wellesley Farms through West Natick until further notice today.

It’s crazy that Buddy Holly was only 22 when he died. I think he would’ve been amongst the best musicians ever had he not died so young.

Hey gang of bivalve fanciers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The world is your winter oyster.”

Lamar Jackson wouldn’t play through pain on his rookie contract. Imagine what it would be like after you give him over $100 million guaranteed? If that’s collusion, then…

News Item: Divorced Dad Buys Pet to Entice Kids to Visit.

Anybody else remember when they used to sell cat food in little single-serving glass jars? Hard to imagine that today. The glass jars would cost twice as much as the cat food.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

The Cowboys have placed the franchise tag on RB Tony Pollard, per source. That means TE Dalton Schultz will hit free agency, after being tagged last year. Pollard’s tag is at $10.1 million.

UMass Mens Basketball played like the .500 team they were in the A10 Tournament. Unfortunately.

Andy Wong just likes having his picture taken!

Congratulations to Mike Reiss for earning a spot in The Framingham High Hall of Fame. If he had written about the Steelers, Mike would probably have been in on the first ballot.

Chosen Anderson? Guess not!

Here in my car
I feel safest of all.
I can lock all my doors
It’s the only way to live in cars.

Here in my car
I can only receive.
I can listen to you
It keeps me stable for days in cars.

So Gorillaz aren’t actually a real band? Like the Monkees? What, what just happened?

Honk if you remember Chaminade versus Virginia.

You watch out, the Rangers are loaded once they have enough players for a whole team!

I saw Jon Lester at the Target Starbucks one year.

Not sure Pau Gasol gets his jersey retired at this moment in time absent Kobe Bryant’s offhand statement that Pau’s jersey should be next to his in the Staples Center rafters.

Daniel Jones with a guaranteed 820,000,000 dimes! Crazy!

Drive over more hotpatch on the road! I can’t!

Spring Training Boston Red Sox are in the rarified territory usually associated with the Baltimore Ravens.

You can’t shout your way out of being wrong, Perk.

Are YOU ready to save daylight?

Best bet for the weekend: Bruins go a month between losses.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Laszlo Panaflex and Kingasaurus, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. So put me on a highway. Show me a sign. Take it to the limit; One more time.

That dead pixel on NESN’s spring training camera? Well, turns out equipment maintenance funds were diverted to Devers contract. Sorrey!

Gotta give the C’s a mulligan over losing to the Knicks. The championship mystique and aura of Madison Square Garden can still affect a visiting squad.

Edmonton fans are awfully yappy for a city that doesn’t have an airport.

Wanting Jalen Ramsey on the Patriots is peak iheardahim.

60 regular season games is plenty for NHL and NBA. Start the playoff(s)already!

What a weather letdown. Soggy and with way fewer inches than promised.

Cakes are cooking for Dirk Benedict, Jan Kodeš, Brian Winters, Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson, Catherine Bach, Ron Francis, Booker T, Tyler Hamilton, Chris Webber, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Kesha, and Justin Bieber.

Gees, Lent is just starting? I thought it was over. This is the time of year all the Catholics sound like crossfit people.

Here’s a goofy thought experiment. Say we try to derive a power series around 0 such that f(n) is the nth Fibonacci number. Is this possible, and what do the coefficients of the power series look like? Let us know in the comments.

What’s the deal with all the pickleball we’re seeing in TV ads? It’s like the pesto of racquet sports.

Sometimes it’s nice to just turn on talk radio and sit in a chair and listen.

Washington DT Daron Payne became the first player this off-season to receive the franchise tag, per sources. The franchise tag for Payne is projected to be $18.937 million. Washington placed the tag on Payne early Tuesday morning.

Every actor on The Last of Us  is great but hoollllly smokes Bella Ramsey is a revelation.

Garnet Hathaway’s birthstone? Surprise! It’s either citrine, or topaz!

Catch an all-new episode of “Driver’s Ed with MegO, McDonough, and Mutnansky” only on WEEI!

What, does Yale not teach their students to use end punctuation?

Middleborough Line Train 013 (12:30 pm from South Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Quincy Center and Middleborough due to a switch issue.

Hey gang of malcontents, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you’ve got two goalies, you’ve got none!”

If Las Vegas was like 75 percent more walkable it would be close to perfect.

Are the eggs ready?

Yes, Anna, attention-span killing Chinese spyware that tells kids to take the Benadryl Challenge is essentially the Library of Alexandria.

The Flames still play in the Saddledome?

Did the Northeastern Hockey team show up with the Beanpot during NU’s exhibition Spring Training game against the Red Sox?

Wouldn’t it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was for just one day?
Wouldn’t it be good if we could wish ourselves away?
Wouldn’t it be good to be on your side?
The grass is always greener over there
Wouldn’t it be good if we could live without a care?

Well it’s a shame that LeBron has a nagging foot injury that will keep him from leading his Lakers team back into the playoff hunt.

Honk if you remember Sierra Mist.

It’s nice to have a backup account you can use for 72 96 hours for no particular reason.

Weenie move scrubbing Twitter of your terrible Ullmark takes when they’re still up at NBCSB, Beano.

Bryant College Mens Basketball is the 6th seed in America East. Will take on #3 UNH.

Richard Belzer’s passing does create an opening for a stand-up comedian who calls everyone, ‘babe.’ Let’s Goooo!!

Those new and improved Cascade Platinum tabs are better than advertised.

KU has had an up and down season, and had dropped out of my Top 10 list 2 or 3 weeks ago. But last year, when they were National Champions, they quite certainly never had a 4-game stretch when they played as well as they have the last 4 games.

When are we getting that second album, Willis Alan Ramsey?

The Bruins are the best team in the league. So if you can force unnecessary changes, you just have to!

Who said Dame?

Best bet for the weekend: the March Sadness Selection Committee burning the midnight oil.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam. Do the jitterbug. Out in the muskrat land.

This is all Mike Felger’s fault for leaving the keys in his rental car that one time in NOLA.

Who thought central Florida was glamorous?

Eric Bieniemy taking the Redsk-, uh the Commanders OC job was not a lateral move! It was a backward pass move!

All Tony Mazz did was say that two black people looked like car thieves based solely on immutable physical characteristics after making sure they couldn’t hear him say that.

Mac got his flowers. Just as we all predicted. Mac McLung that is! lololol

Yes, Triston Casas paints his nails and yes, he’ll hit a fuckin’ bomb off your team while he’s at it.

If you argue both sides of the issue, you always win.

Cakes are cooking for Julius Erving, Miou-Miou, Amy Alcott, Vijay Singh, Chris Dudley, Rachel Dratch, Jeri Ryan, Mark Chmura, Lisa Fernandez, Max Lane, Michael Chang, Drew Barrymore, and Rajon Rondo.

The Jay’s combining for 90 in a no-defense-played All Star Game really puts the lie to that preposterous ‘Wilt Scored 100’ fable.

Why don’t they make the entire NASCAR out of the HANS device?

Sure, there are a lot of white guys at 98.5, but morbidly obese employees count toward diversity at The Sports Hub.

Don’t you ever again lie to me like I’m Montel Williams! I’m not Montel Williams!

I’m not any kind of expert, but I had Purdue rated as about #8 in the country at their peak. But they’re not. No matter what the ‘sperts say, I can’t see them as Top 10 team, maybe not top 15. They should be a 5 seed. I agree that Zach Edey is the Player of the Year, though.

Alls I’m saying is someone clearly never sent away for their Muzz & JF Important Crime Squad Junior Crime-solver badge and ID card.

ChadGPT is explicitly programmed not to criticize The Sports Hub employees.

Hey gang of Presidential Historians, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Ask not what you can do for your country. If you don’t know then why ask?”

MBTA Update: Orange Line Pop-Up Extension to Chelmsford/495 deemed ‘impractical, actively dangerous to motorists.’

Custom-painted Kowloon Nikes? Meh. Let me know when Woo Loon Ming does the sneakers thing.

To the people who tell you that you’re not offended by Tony Massarotti’s joke, you just don’t like his sports takes: Congratulations Columbo! You’ve solved the case!

You can tell Ryen Russillo is happy by how often he brings it up when he “responds to” “emailers writing in to life advice.”

Suspended without pay, too. Good thing Tony has those book sales as a back-up!

How’s the Portuguese food in Fall River?

Welcome back after to the world of sports media with Outkick, Curt Schilling. Free advice to Clay Travis’s kids; don’t go with Onkle Curt to get deloused! It’s a trick!

Can we place a bet at Encore whether Felgie and/or Big Gym also get suspended during the sensitivity training?

Tonight! UMass vs. Dayton! UConn vs. Providence!

“Who chopped down the cherry tree? If you don’t know then why ask?”

Jackie Slaterson is back for another season in New England.

The Chicago Bulls shut down Lonzo Ball for a second consecutive season Tuesday as the point guard continues to struggle with discomfort and pain in his left knee.

I’m also “I still know the ZIP code for Pueblo, Colorado off the top of my head” years old.

It’s crazy that Felger can mail it in from home or a vacation spot and still quintuple WEEI’s ratings.

Damn you, Dorothy Golumpki!

Let me know when they come out with the ‘All Smarfberries!’ variant of the Marcus Smart cereal.

Fun Fact: the third most common street name in the U.S. is ‘Third Street.’

Alabama head coach Nate Oats also said he initially sought advice for handling the fallout from the (Harris) murder from Ray Lewis.

Hey there Delilah, what’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do.
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you, I swear it’s true.

Tony may have played his way into a #1 Seed in the upcoming March Sadness Tournament. Just sayin’.

“The only thing we have to fear? If you don’t know then why ask?”

Rian Johnson missed Columbo too, apparently.

‘When did our fathers bring forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal? If you don’t know then why ask?”

There’s nothing more pleasant than the smell of eggs, meat and cheese on a crowded train. It’s very Boston.

Honk if you remember Chain of Lakes Park.

Galaxy brain idea: the Bruins trade Ullmark AND Swayman!

We got just enough snow to counterintuitively make everything uglier. Blecch.

That’s it: antique pie safe!

When Gerry Callahan is coming to your defense, you know you fucked up.

So, this planned sensitivity training, is it off-site? Multiday? I only ask because Gene needs to schedule a time to get to Woods Hole. And also to the Steamship Authority Nantucket Ferry embarkation point!

Try and get me not to love that reporter Jonny Miller stays in the exact same motel room every Spring Training. You can’t!

Easy there, Truffaut.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox players at spring training not regretting never having asked Mazz for restaurant recommendations.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Richard Belzer, Bill James, Transient Existence, BSMW poster Gus Chiggins, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Apologies for moving up publication to today in spite of the Washington’s Birthday Holiday.

A Northeastern/Harvard Beanpot Final? WOW.

You’re supposed to have players arrested Friday or Saturday of the Super Bowl weekend, not ten days before it.

Good for Lifshatz for not spilling the beans on the Kyrie trade.

Everyone forgets Adrian Klemm was the first Patriots player Belichick ever drafted.

How big was that Chinese balloon? Well, take Bob Kraft. Now imagine that he’s fifty feet tall. The balloon was four times taller than that Bob Kraft!

Is ESPN grudgingly reporting on LeBron James being the new all-time scoring leader?

Brady & Belichick on a podcast together giving each other their flowers.

Cakes are cooking for Brooke Adams, Dino Ciccarelli, Alonzo Mourning, Maura Healey, Damon Denson, Dave Farrell, Cecily Strong, Jeremy Davis, Klay Thompson, and Bethany Hamilton.

the Daisy Sour Cream song has no business going that hard.

Just stick that in your ditty bag!

Snowfall is a thing of the past with global warming.

MBTA Alewife Update: Garage levels G, 2, 3 & 4 will reopen with limited capacity on Feb 8. Level 5 will remain closed, & garage users cannot access it or the Lobby floor. We’ve made a safe, accessible path to the busway for bus & shuttle service & have staff on site for rider support.

Did Nick Caley legally change his name to “Nick Caley, Young Rising Coach”?

Does Kyrie have any history of not working well with another ball dominant player other than all those times he already hasn’t?

I thought hypodescent was a bad thing in these United States in 2023.

Lou Damn Merloni claiming that the Red Sox are the only team that will get you mocked for thinking they’re going to win is insane. The fucktard fans in this town, that he helped fuel, hate all the local teams.

Holy hell, what a move from Sarah Nurse!!!

I’ve said it before but of course these people who put ‘senior reporter’ in their LinkedIn care about titles.

49ers QB Brock Purdy will meet with Dr. Keith Meister in Dallas on Feb. 21 and plans to have surgery to repair his torn UCL on the 22nd, sources say. The surgery, set to be done by the respected Rangers doc, will allow Purdy to make a full recovery & be ready for training camp.

You get back here and you listen to my Blizzard of 78 stories!

Jerry Jones..I’m the most delusional famous person in Dallas Kyrie Irving..hold my beer old man

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “a hinky-dink football game, held in a hinky-dink town, played by hinky-dink players. That’s all second place is – hinky dink.”

Is there a prop bet as to whether SB halftime performer Rhianna experiences a ‘wardrobe malfunction?’

Leaping Lanny Poffo has died, what a sad day will this be. But lucky for us, I took the time, to write this eulogy rhyme on a Frisbee!

Love is in the water
Love is in the air
Show me where to look
Tell me, will love be there?
Will love be there?

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

LeBron only holds the scoring title because he played so deep into the playoffs and Finals for over half his career.

Congratulations Turkeypie Jefferson for winning the Song of the Year Grammy.

How many prominent players can you think of who are clearly identified with one team, but who actually changed organizations before they came to the majors?

I prefer to watch games alone unless I’m going to the game. I don’t need side distractions when I’m watching football.

Honk if you remember the “Bert Bell Benefit Bowl.”

I’m thinking of writing a science fiction story. It’s called, ‘The Nice Grandma Who Completely Understands the Recycling Rules in the Town She’s Lived in For Fifty Years.’

Go win Gisele back, Tom. One more ring.

Be sure to say hi to the Bag Pod when you’re over to Radio Row this week.

In bowling I root for the pins.

Did you like the new Prow Bowl format? Was it Manning-y enough for you? Let us know in the comments.

Best bet for the weekend. cameras on Mom Kelce.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Hacksaw & Canadian Soldier, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. December promise you gave unto me. December whispers of treachery. December clouds are now covering me. December songs no longer I sing.

Wicked excited that in-person legalized sports betting has finally arrive in Massachusetts. And will be even more so when all the betting apps are good to go as scheduled in time for the March Madness Tournament. What? Why the laughing?

The Clover Cabal runs the Association.

Hoping the NFL does something during the Super Bowl promoting AED and CPR.

Red Sox traded Barnes for Bleier? More like Blehhhh!

Maybe a group hug session with the devastated NBA officials is in order for Joseph Ossai.

So Joansie had an opportunity to reinvent himself as something more than cut-rate Felger impressionist and decided against doing so.

Cakes are cooking for Princess Stéphanie of Monaco, Michelle Akers, Tim Naehring, Mark Recchi, Gabriel Batistuta, Patrick Wilson, Michael C. Hall, Ron Welty, Geoff Sanderson, Big Boi, Phil Ivey, Jason Isbell, Lauren Conrad, and Rhonda Rousey.

Do the participants in the East-West Shrine Bowl get one of those cool blankets?

Travis Kelce’s blaccent rivals Scalabrine’s.

Family Guy is where Seth MacFarlane put all his bad opinions and American Dad is where he puts all his good opinions.

Bobby Hull, he was set in his ways. Rest now, old timer.

And Billy Packer finally died, too.

But UConn Men’s basketball is not dead. At all.

It’s 2023 and 60-year-old guys trailing 10 yards behind the play are still spotting the ball.

The Celtics miss Marcus Smart in the lineup. There, I said it.

Do you ever just get the song from that TV ad for Milton Bradley’s ‘Perfection’ game stuck in your head? Yeah, me neither.

Romo was going to say, ‘you got three nuh-ice young men.’

Fun fact: Tom Cruise has never won an Oscar.

The NFL Professional Bowl…now with even more of the insufferable Manning family over more days!

Hey Audacy fix your app make it better ..it’s like toilet paper

The real question about any hitter is “How many games did he win for his team, with his bat?”

The Patriots have signed WR Lynn Bowden Jr. to a reserve/future deal for 2023. He spent 2022 on their practice squad.

I didn’t see any ‘Detective Chimp’ project in James Gunn’s initial ten planned DCEU announcement. Sad.

News Item: Channel 4 tests a 6PM newscast without a sports report. In deference to longtime sports director Steve Burton, he will not be told of the move. WBZ will have the amiable anchor deliver a “report” at his usual 6:20 slot in a different studio that will not air.

Gene Krupa lived long enough to witness Upton Bell’s dismal stint as the GM for the New England Patriots.

Hey gang of security risks, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Stop at Top flop bop.” I’m serious!

Pats should name Kelly Clarkson O-line coach.

What one thing are you looking forward to during the baseball season that isn’t the actual game? Me? Can’t wait to hear Jonny Miller ask the tough questions.

You thought God was an architect, now you know,
He’s sitting in a black car ready to go;
You make some new friends after the show,
But you’ll forget their names,
In 24 frames.

I miss seeing JB’s weird hairline in the comfort of the studio. Why do these dopes have to be sitting at a desk on the field? What’s the benefit for me, the viewer?

Honk if you remember the Milton Bradley game Perfection.

Man, you hop on the exercise bike for a half-hour and everybody decides it’s time to hire a coach.

Rose in Titanic was a selfish jerk for dropping the Heart of the Ocean into the ocean…she could have sold it and helped feed millions of starving kids’s

Dee. Meco. Ryans.

If a “Rules Analyst’ is a key component of your sport’s broadcast team and people still don’t understand what the rules are, guess what? Your sport sucks.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

Oooh, everyone is suddenly an expert on the topography & geography of 10 miles west of Boston! Nerds.

Sean Payton: from below sea level to mile high. Pretty neat.

Evan Lazar is also no longer a free agent?

Tom Brady retired? Heard that before. Fool me once, etcetera.

Keep your eyes peeled for multisport expert Mike Loyko at the Encore Boston Harbor Sportsbook.

LeBron’s performative tantrum would have barely been an acceptable response to finding out Kobe’s helicopter tried to take a shortcut through a mountain.

Um … why would you steal an airbag?

Well I think it’s sweet that Paul Giamatti is memorializing his friend Coolio by saying ‘yes’ to every acting gig and appearance that is offered to him.

Give it up for Hatchet Man Bob Hohler everybody!

Best bet for the weekend: You can attend a free screening of Bull Durham at Polar Park, home of the Triple-A Woosox, in Worcester this Friday (2/3). Doors open at 6 PM. (It’s indoors, don’t worry)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hold your devil by his spoke and spin him to the ground.

Now Ocean Staters get to hear “Bill O’Brien went to Brown” a gazillion times a week while here in the Commonweath, we will hear “Andover native Bill O’Brien” again!

I wouldn’t have felt ill-served if Coach Mazzulla had broken tradition and used a timeout during that last 15 seconds or so. Would have been nice to win a scheduled loss.

Only Barnes can DFA Barnes!!

The NFL’s plans for neutral-site league championship games derailed because of a Bills team being allergic to snow is too delicious.

Jac Collinsworth wears more eye makeup than Derek Carr and Peter Schrager combined.

The Bruins are some sort of Zamboni Wagon.

Hat-In-Ass Brian Phillips should never be able to live down the fact that he wanted to give a broken-down Cam Newton $25 million a year after three fucking games. Just a tremendous loser.

Cakes are cooking for The Honky Tonk Man, Billy Andrade, Bob Sweeney, Penny Moore, Vincent Brisby, Ace Steel, Mario Haberfeld, Volodymyr Zelensky, Xavi, and Alicia Keys.

Pretty sure there’s a subreddit of people putting cucumbers in their tacos.

Fun fact: The Duke College Women’s basketball team is currently ranked 13th while the men are unranked. You go, ladies!

Eddie Andelman calls that Oriental film that was nominated for Best Picture, ‘Everything All Over the Place.’

Toronto seemed a more logical landing spot for Adalberto Mondesi, what with all the other sons of former MLB players on their squad.

Jennifer Coolidge should have her Golden Globe Award taken away as punishment for those Old Navy ads.

Can werewolves be out in the daytime? Let us know in the comments.

That latest Celtics loss to the Magic? Meh. The 07-08 Celtics couldn’t handle the Wizards. Happens.

YOU thought we weren’t getting any snow this year! You did! You did!!

I don’t understand who the target demo is for watching half a dozen future zipper jobs watch games they are allegedly gambling on.

Greetings, gang of Winter Weekend attendees, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “it’s expensive to have baseball players.”

Now which one is Michelle Williams and which one is Julia Stiles?

So I know you all hate construction for existing, but you’re welcome for making your city better anyway.

I didn’t realize I was a gluebag, whatever that is.

You’re not allowed to lecture Pats fans/give out fandom do’s & don’ts if you switched allegiances from the Pats to the Bucs when Tom left, sorrey.

Buzz Aldrin is a steely-eyed missleman.

Did Daryl Johnston raid Freddy Lynn’s closet?

Put the “roid” guys in the Baseball HoF already. Except for The Ohio Con Man. Because fuck him, that’s why.

Showing out, showing out, hit and run
Boy meets girl where the beat goes on
Stitched up tight, can’t shake free
Love is the drug, got a hook on me.

Todd Helton’s stats is that they are SO good they are disorienting, so people ignore them. It’s like when Dick Stuart hit 66 HR in the minors, he said when guys hit 35 the org would get all excited about it, but when he hit 66 they didn’t know what to do, so they just ignored it.

Andy Hart crowdsourcing his hot takes is something else.

Honk if you remember tan M&M’s.

The NFL needs more Eli Apple-types dancing on graves after a win.

Here’s my question about Ted Lasso — what team does Richmond replace in the EPL? I know it’s fiction, but it feels like the kind of small detail that Brett Goldstein would have worked out.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

How ‘Bout that dumb formation, Cowboys?

With the Bills knocked out of the playoffs, The Union of Concerned Beantown Sports Fans has moved the Doomsdsay Clock back two minutes from midnight, to 5:17.

There’s no way the fault could lie with the Rooney Rule itself.

Wins up in Montreal always feel more valuable. It’s probably due to the exchange rate.

Update: Doug Kyed is still a free agent.

I love that Bill O’Brien’s hiring does not change Patscap’s 2023 Patriots salary cap space number.

The fact that only six movies have ever grossed 2 billion dollars and James Cameron made three of them is kind of ridiculous.

That Bray Wyatt. Amirite?

Kraft made Bill hire a fellow Ivy League football player, Tone.

Nobody cares what you think. Ask Chatham.

Best bet for the weekend: being told GEHA Field at Arrowhead Stadium is very loud.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Posted on my laptop using my phone’s hotspot in my cold car.

It’s going to be such a tsuris, Boston Herald. Don’t say The15 didn’t warn you.

So I guess there won’t be a lot of jars being opened from 2-6 at WEEI.

That’s not how the Statue of Liberty play is supposed to be run, Ravens!

Doug Kyed is still a free agent.

Buying a one-way ticket to Thailand? Sus.

So are we, sports media watchdogs, free to unfollow Marshall Hook, now?

I was led to believe only New England coaches & coordinators burned time outs and called plays well short of the sticks. That Super Wild Card Weekend was illuminating.

Cakes are cooking for Ted DiBiase, Mark Messier, Brady Anderson*, Dave Bautista, Christian Fittipaldi, Thor Hushovd, Julius Peppers, and Leonard Fournette.

The Bruins and Celtics are making it look easy.

Twitter made the world better by giving people a forum to proudly advertise that they think you can win a game 1.49 times.

I would have told my kicker to make the extra points. Coached him up, even.

“It’s my understanding” is Phil Perry’s way of saying “I saw someone else’s tweet”.

On the other hand, the United States probably won the 1972 Men’s Olympic Basketball Finals at least 2.49 times.

The fact that Gabz has so many people vouching for her when that behavior is in plain sight tells you everything you need to know about that industry.

Yes, the Redskins had to play five days after Sean Taylor was murdered, but that didn’t happen on the field, The Last Boy Scout style. Was that game declared a no-contest? Did the Los Angeles Stallions get gifted a neutral-site playoff game too?

Arcand can’t get out from under Jones’ shadow. The Art Garfunkel of Boston sports talk radio.

Hewwo Gang of numrods. This week’s Phrase that Pays is “have sex”..pal.

You know Patriots season is officially over when the olds are whining that Jayson Tatum is scoring 50 and he’s happy about it.

Lunch boxes were a fucking art form when I was a kid. Where did we go wrong as a society?

Not being able to determine who the Boston Herald sports editor is seems like more of a feature than a bug.

Update: Worcester Line Train 509 (8:50 am from South Station) is operating near schedule between Wellesley Farms and Worcester.

The Patriots have requested permission to speak with Vikings WRs coach Keenan McCardell for their OC position, sources say. He joins a growing list of candidates that also includes Alabama OC Bill O’Brien.

Imagine if JLo worked the Dunkin drive thru too? You could easily put three Large Iced Regulars on that ass.

Tom Brady vouched for Antonio Brown.

You say I’m a dreamer
We’re two of a kind.
Both of us searching for some perfect world
We know we’ll never find.
So perhaps I should leave here
Yeah, yeah, go far away.
But you know that there’s nowhere that I’d rather be
Than with you here today.

Aren’t M&Ms and Twix made by the same company?

Serves Coach Harbro right for being mean to Melissa Stark.

You won’t believe how many stores I had to visit this morning before I found a buggywhip!

Rest In Power to Jamin Pugh aka Jay Briscoe.

In 1966 Ernie Banks–who was not fast, was 34 years old and did not normally hit a lot of triples. . .in 1966 Ernie hit 3 triples in one game, and 2 in another one.

Fun Fact: Massachusetts has 16 municipalities that end in -ham, and 4 that end in -mouth!

It never has been and never will be Justin Herbert’s fault.

Who told you I wanted banana-flavored antacids? I did not want banana-flavored antacids.

Is Russell Gage selling merch, too?

Honk if you remember Clubman by Pinaud.

Is Bill Belichick the only thing standing between Bob Kraft drunkenly offering Lamar Jackson $250M guaranteed?

If I were inclined to steal jokes, I too would steal from Woody Allen. What?

The NBA has 2-way contracts. The North Shore has 3-way beefs. Advantage: North Shore.

I understand that Curt Schilling has the ceremonial dagger that belonged to the SS major assigned to the Monti Ossenfort redoubt in the Alps.

If Tom does go to Las Vegas, maybe the Raiders will stop crying about the Tuck Rule being correctly applied?

Went to see The Banshees of Inisherin in the theaters. I would give it one thumbs up.

Being an ironic Chargers fan is gayer than ironically cosplaying at being gay.

Red Sox sign Adam Duvall? All fix! PTT!

The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name “Kit-Kat” imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate!

How much does a fawning feature in Boston Magazine cost?

Chris Ford, the NBA’s Tom Tupa, dead at 74.

Best bet for the weekend: Tony Romo calling Josh Allen, ‘Mr. January’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m the Urban Spaceman, baby. I’ve got speed. I’ve got everything I need. (Stick tap to BSJ Subscriber Tracker for the Brady Anderson asterisk.)