The 15

How ‘bout them friggin’ Sox?!?

Karen Read has more shots before breakfast than Argentina did. Even after extra time!

Jayson Tatum dressed for the ESPY’s like a Puerto Rican who operates a mall kiosk.

If soccer is the sport of the future, then how come the FIFA World Cup didn’t have Dippin Dots, the ice cream of the future as a sponsor?

Never saw the Reading IMAX this jam-packed or with a line this long. So goddamn fired-up. THE ODYSSEY

Guys a couple rows behind me after sitting for 3.5 hours: “Dude, I feel like I was in that horse!”

Was Jaylen Brown pissing off the Red Sox too?

It’s amazing how much calories you can burn easily walking here.
Like, walking in Boston brings great joy but man it’s good to forget about how many steps you take in the process.

Gifted means autistic. Not “gave something as a gift”.

It is pretty funny that of all the shit Jarren Duran has done, being mean to a fat neckbeard should rank like 15th but it has people up in arms.

There may be a correlation between the ESPN employees no one feels bad that they got fired and them being unrepentant dickheads. Developing…

Cakes are cooking for George Clinton, Sparky Lyle, Danny Glover, Paul Schrader, Albert Brooks, Don Henley, S. E. Hinton, Alan Menken, Willem Defoe, Keith Sweat, Emily Saliers, Joanna Going, David Spade, Don Van Natta, Jr., John Leguizamo, Will Calhoun, Patrick Labyorteaux, Shawn Michaels, Tim Brown, Pat Badger, Rhys Ifans, Keyshawn Johnson, Mike Sweeney, Rufus Wainwright, Franka Potente, A. J. Cook, Ezekiel Elliott, Jonathan Owens, Field Cate, and Federico Valverde.

Hearing Lou Merloni so happy kinda sucks.

I will say, pretty rare to see a fat sack of shit grifting better than the broads. Have to give Babz credit.

Why is this Laura Rutledge’s problem?

That Wally head should start a podcast with Kendra, it’s had so many Red Sox players in over the weekend!

Barstool is just a jobs program for fat retards.

Of course, I meant to proclaim Gordie Howe, not Gordie Hall. Blame auto-correct.

Orange Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a signal problem at Community College.

Everyone at Odysseus’ house was basically like when Kramer was always posting up in Jerry’s apartment.

Karl Ravech is good, just not necessary.

Hey gang of unfinished products, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “His journey is inspiring and vague.”

Upton was using the Wonderlic Test before Tom Landry got credit for being the first team to use the Wonderlic, Kevin.

Is getting pantsed worse than getting stuffed in a locker? I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.

Gel Infused Memory Foam!

Luke Skywalker recovered faster from his hand injury than Roman Anthony has.

Permanent Daylight Saving Time? Well, at least Shiri Spear will be unaffected. She always has her headlights on.

Driveline is basically, “I’d simply just throw and swing harder” in a pay for access form.

Unstoppable Red Sox should play the winner of Spain/ Argentina next .. so Spain.

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the beach
I feel it in the air
The summer’s out of reach
Empty lake, empty streets
The sun goes down alone
I’m driving by your house
Though I know you’re not home

But I can see you-
Your brown skin shinin’ in the sun
You got your hair combed back and your sunglasses on, baby
And I can tell you my love for you will still be strong
After the boys of summer have gone.

Manny walks into the ER with another cat in his ass and greeted like Norm walking into Cheers.

I always thought Under the Bridge by the RHCP’s was about Hartford.

Orsillo is a massive lush, like even bigger than Roman Anthony.

News Item: The I-290 bridge at the bottom of College Hill in Worcester has officially been named “Bob Cousy Pass.”

A: Dr. Teeth was in rehab and thus couldn’t be there.

Mintzy looks like a Galapagos island tortoise, but less majestic.

Honk if you remember Woodstock ’99.

The chances are quite high the in-sports employee of Real Salt Lake that committed the terrible sin of not naming JJ Watt’s wife Kealia Ohai Watt in a tweet was a broad.

These Slovenian refs have always protected Spain.

I used to make my mom rent the Morgan Magic VHS at the grocery store every couple of weeks. I sound like an 80-year-old fruit.

My friend once won tickets to an Ernie and the Automatics concert at a raffle. He didn’t go.

Did Claude Lemieux’s old lady get two minutes for instigating?

Royals RF Jac Caglianone has me thinking two sports media nepo hires were somehow combined.

As the saying goes, just when you think you have enough Swedish electricians in July, you don’t have enough.

Tommy, babe, knock it off. In wrestling years, you’re dead.

Shakira didn’t even have to be asked to participate in that halftime thingie. She just showed up.

best bet for the weekend: the annual Running of the Jorts at Gillette Stadium.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. All she wants to do is dance.

Eddie Andelman lived to 89 years old on a hot dog and Kowloon diet. Sometimes I’m wondering if this whole fruit and vegetables thing is a ruse.

Is there a Tartan Army? I hadn’t heard.

My sources are saying the primary holdup on the Giannis deal is finding a House of Pizza on the North Shore for his brothers to work at.

Rob Lowe doesn’t have a “FIFA” hat?

Jerry Remy would pronounce it, ‘feefer.’ “You seen any of these Feefer World Cup matches Don?” ‘I have; lot of excitement about them. Will you be watching any of the games?’ “No.”

Tired: “There’s no cheering in the press box!” Wired: “I’m gonna bet $5 on the home team and call the Vegas goalie a rapist.”

The Patriots should keep Erling Haaland in Foxboro and convert him to wide receiver.

Holding a public event in Boston for Bourque and the Cup was such a Loserville mentality thing to do. Same goes for retiring Bruce Armstrong’s number.

The Red Sox envision a big role for Romy Gonzalez.

Cakes are cooking for Peter Lupus, Judy Kimball, Bobby Bell, Chuck Rainey, Barry Manilow, Dave Concepción, Joe Piscopo, Mark Linn-Baker, Bobby Farrelly, Thomas Haden Church, Greg Kinnear, Dan Jansen, Dermontti Dawson, Jason Patric, Ron “Popeye” Jones, Rikrok, Venus Williams, Jodie Whittaker, Kendrick Lamar, and Monica Barbaro.

This Bruins fan is rooting for Bussi and grateful he got this chance to shine!

The ‘no bad ideas’ brainstorming session that led to ‘the cigars were fake’ explanation up in Ipswich must have been hilarious.

We almost had a repeat of the opening game of the 1930 World Cup! That was cool. Eat a dick, Paraguay!

Baseball writers age worse than wrestlers and rappers.

News Item: Jaylen Brown applies for Kai Cenat’s Streamer University. Huh?

Double consonants are always tricky in Wordle.

The only people who think Maradona is better than Messi are boomers and drug addicts.

It’s good to have goals.

Hey gang of Counsels General, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “They all go to work in the same big gray van, like Kowloon employees.”

Kraft suing the town of Foxborough is a fitting tribute to the Rabbi of litigation Eddie Andelman.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

How is Roman supposed to rehab if there’s an ignition interlock device on the door to the batting cages? Allegedly.

If you don’t remember the Alamo, you will certainly remember that fold by the Spurs. Holy ….

It’s okay to admit we’re in a drought, caller!

I love the idea of walking into a bar and asking the bartender for a “fresh pair of Timbs.”

Keeping bars open extra late for the World Cup is nice and all but how about doing it for the grocery stores too I need to get my shopping done.

OFFICE ROMANCE is a funny, witty rom-com with J-Lo and screenwriter Brett Goldstein (Roy Kent from Ted Lasso). Great chemistry in ‘stuffy Brit works for sexy Girl Boss’ set-up. Betty Gilpin is terrific per usual. Hilarious Public Enemy joke just before a funny, KNOCKED UP-inspired scene.

NBA money is crazy. The only thing better than NBA money is daycare money.

The Giants are open to trade offers for Rafael Devers, Willy Adames, Matt Chapman and other players.

Oh, Mandy
Well, you came and you gave without taking
But I sent you away, oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh, Mandy.

Getting nervous about the Australia game Friday because we don’t have promotion and relegation.

Aldon Smith was definitely not turning his life around. RIP.

When do our Scotland visitors discover Kowloon?

Matignon would light up on the bench when they clinched the State Championship in Hockey. Better Times.

Greenie looks like the guy in the Men’s Wearhouse commercials.

It can’t be overstated just how much life the Scots have injected into Boston the last few days. The city hasn’t been buzzing like this since pre-Covid. Love to see it.

Smart move by ESPN to have Ernie doing the post game celebration.

A lot of the women in sports seem to think the VGK goalie fella chose trial by combat and now that his team lost he’s definitely a rapist.

Outdoor watch parties? It might be my general distaste for almost everyone but why the fuck does everyone want to deal with every inconvenience of going to the game without the literal one thing that makes it worth it? Hell yeah, let me stand on the pavement in 90-degree weather surrounded by slovenly, sweaty drunks.

Honk if you remember Larissa Riquelme.

Congrats to Scuz, “Fat Tits,” and all the other huge Knicks fans at Barstool.

The neighbors rice always smells better.

Donovan hid in MLS. At least Dempsey played against real players in the Prem and not plumbers on Real Salt Lake.

You can get the flavor of something without swallowing it. A nonissue. Next.

I got Wordle in 3 today and I didn’t even have to start with a slur.

Best bet for the weekend: it’s anyone’s game in the Germany/Ivory Coast match.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column

The MIAA is a terrorist organization, but I would have to imagine there aren’t many less sympathetic demographics than ‘freshly graduated Ipswich lax bros’.

Broads can’t visit Texas without appropriating the fashion. It’s fascinating.

I wish I cared about anything as much as Darren Rovell cares about the cost of NBA Finals tickets.

It might not be the Red Sox’s year.

Seems undignified to be a preeminent historian and then die in a Shaw’s Supermarket parking lot in East Providence.

Imagine being the guy that has to write the super serious PWHL tampering article.

Just admit it greenteamers, you’re jealous of how good the Knicks are in close games and Brunson’s ability to deliver in the clutch. I am.

If I’m Wembanyama, I’m making one call, with one question. The call is to Kareem Abdul Jabbar. The question is “can you teach me the sky hook?” It would be impossible to block.

There’s no way Cecil Fielder’s home run that he hit out of Tiger Stadium was less than 500 feet.

Feels warm out but that’s just what they want me to think.

Cakes are cooking for Jurgen Prochnow, Ken Singleton, Terry Luttrell, Dan Fouts, Rich Hall, Andrew Stevens, Timothy Van Patten, Kelley Deal, Kim Deal, Maxi Priest, Brent Sutter, Gina Gershon, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Gary Wallis, Jimmy Chamberlin, Elizabeth Hurley, Doug McKeon, Bill Burr, Jimmy Shea, Kate Snow, Jo-Jo Hailey, Pokey Reese, Freddy García, Nergal, Tara Lipinski, Anna Nordqvist, Kelly Vitz, and Jeff Teague.

I had a wild adventure in my dream last night. I was a part of a group of strangers trying to survive both an alien attack and a deep government conspiracy. Many of the people I was with died right in front of me. They weren’t real but I grieve for them just the same.

Hard to believe someone who’s Twitter handle is ‘DoubleVodkaDon’ needed a trip to rehab.

People clearly miss the experience of phone booths, even those who have no firsthand experience using them. What else explains having lengthy phone conversations while in a rest room stall?

Anunoby looks like a young Viola Davis.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The broadcasters don’t get the box?”

Foxboro Line Train 1747 (2:28 PM from South Station) is operating 5-10 minutes behind schedule between Islington and Foxboro.

Happy Junetenth, to all who celebrate.

I’m not sure who is going to win the Stanley Cup now!

President Nixon’s apology would’ve hit a lot harder if only he had rocked the backwards snapback.

Non-serrated steak knives. Makes no sense.

Next thing ya know, that guy in the Shaw’s pahking lawt is gonna run ovah Vickahs!

You have to pay $13 after tax for a Big Mac Meal to get one but the McDonalds World Cup collectors cups are sturdy and the art is nice.

From the “inside media” department: Including the Patriots’ robust social-media team, there were more than 70 credentials issued to cover Tuesday’s first day of mandatory minicamp.

Spitting in a wishing well
Blown to hell
Crash
On the last splash-

I know you, little libertine
I know you’re a real koo koo

(Hey now)

Want you
Koo koo
Cannonball
Want you
Koo koo
Cannonball.

I don’t get those watch parties. Oh you want all the inconveniences of attending the game without actually attending? Come on down!

Barstool employees take more time away than women in sports.

The reason they call Madison Square Garden the worlds most famous arena because that’s where Laurence Harvey shot Angela Lansbury.

Any foreign tourists here for the World Cup on the socials talking up Market Basket?

Honk if you remember New Coke.

Hearing whispers Giannis Antetokounmpo’s preferred landing spot is Miami, but he remains open to joining Boston.

I met Eric Fisher at the Franklin Park Zoo.

The ‘J’ is silent in ‘Jacas?’ Where’s the fun in that?

It’s also probably not a good sign when you have to prefix your women’s league with “professional” so that everyone knows it’s real.

How can you win the Triple Crown if you don’t run the second race? Sad.

RA has to live for another eight years before what’s being done to him can be elder abuse? Bad odds on that, kid.

Can somebody please get @RochieWBC his account back?

Best bet for the weekend: USMNT, winning, or perhaps eking out a draw.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. In the shade, in the shade.