Category Archives: The Sports Junk Drawer

09/28/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Artist’s conception of Jim Stewart’s Catphone.

 So there. For the 4th consecutive autumn, the Red Sox are not going to win the World Series.

Who does Ime Udoka think he is; Gene Lavanchy?

Get well soon, Mac Jones. Hoyer will game-manage until you are well. Say well more.

Always interesting to see which MLB teams remember to wish their Jewish fans a happy new year.

But Brett Favre!!

Bruins. No pressure on you.

Happy METCO Gorilla Day. At least John & Gerry learned their lesson from that one.

Cakes are cooking for Bridgitte Bardot, Steve Largent, Ron Fellows, Anne White, Grant Fuhr, Janeane Garofolo, Moon Unit Zappa, Jeezy, Emeka Okafor, St. Vincent, and Hilary Duff.

The Bills Mafia Kubler-Rossing their way through not getting the 20-0 season they expected is pleasantly diverting.

This Judge home run watch has turned into a slog, like waiting for Yaz’s 3,000 hit.

Actually was in line behind a nice little old lady who held up the 12 Items or Less lane by paying with a check. It was like an Elvis sighting.

Biggest thing I took out of that whole segment is not only Jeys demeanors with Sami but Jey sideyeing Roman hard when he had the mic and Roman asked for it back.

There are still 77 newspapers?

Red Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace train service between JFK/UMass and Broadway this weekend, October 1 – 2, from start to end of service.

Maybe don’t let the players pick the next coach?

Ravens DT Michael Pierce suffered a biceps tear in Sunday’s win, sources say, but there is not definitive word yet on how to proceed and if Pierce can continue playing at some point this season. Those tests and decisions are ongoing.

At least Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing was competitive.

Hey gang of Woj Bombers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Ime and Rob both finish inside.”

Dean Wormer, how many NESN360 subscribers are coming in to see Jared Carrabis get another tattoo?

You know the dealer, the dealer is a man
With a lot of grass in his hand
Ah but the pusher is a monster
Good God he’s not a natural man
The dealer, for a nickel lord
He’ll sell you lots of sweet dreams
Ah but the pusher’ll ruin your body
Lord he’ll leave… he’ll leave your mind to scream.
God damn ahh the pusher.
God damn, God damn the pusher.
I said God damn God, God damn the pusherman.

I do have to admit I have been very disappointed that Aaron Judge’s hair has not fallen out this season.

Proper begging the question usage is my love language.

I still have yet to hear an explanation as to how Ser Criston Cole could just beat a knight (and loved of the King Consort) to death at the wedding of the heir to the Iron Throne and it’s just ignored? I know Alicent scoops him up but that’s a lot to ignore. lol

I guess Boegarts screwing up Judge’s Triple Crown bid would be a nice send-off.

It’s a leg. Calais Campbell landed on it. The doctors will take a look.

Don Orsillo has broadcast 3,000 MLB games. That’s something like 875,000 pitches counted!

Honk if you remember when cars always had cigarette lighters on the dashboard.

Don’t worry, England; The NFL is coming to Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to heal your City of London.

I’m going to still be writing 5782 on my checks until Cheshvan! Such a tsuris!

Pithy one-liner.

Kyed’s sideways move to PFF seems to have really paid off for him.

Did Celtics interim HC Joe Mazzulla’s family come from the same village in Italy as Mike Tirico’s?

Hope someone asks Myles Garrett how the car crash felt.

Note out of the Marlins clubhouse: Richard Bleier is believed to be the first Jewish player to be called for 3 balks in one inning on Rosh Hashanah.

Did the famously tough NYC media grill Coach Saleh about his phone call from Trump? I thought as much.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, NFL Professional Bowl.

Good seats still available for the Tampa Bay Ray’s final visit to Fenway Park October 3rd-5th.

Stay safe, Floridan readers, friends & well-wishers.

Best bet for the weekend: Unfrozen tundra.

New England QB Mac Jones – Doubtful (franks and beans)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, BSMW poster Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Last night I held Aladdin’s lamp and so I wished that I could stay. Before the thing could answer me, well, someone came and took the lamp away.

And Happy Birthday to Oscar winner Mira Sorvino
(Photo by Ron Galella, Ltd./Ron Galella Collection via Getty Images)

09/21/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Zdeno. No Middle Name. Chára.

Thanks for the memories and for retiring as a Bruin, Big Z.

Plawecki DFA’d? The Sox season really ended that day. Although technically it did so several weeks back.

Local Media: “Steelers week two sure looks like a must-win game…” (Patriots win) “…well, that doesn’t count.”

The Celtics will be fine as long as no one else gets injured or needs surgery that will sideline them for 4-6 weeks.

Getting Aaron Judge out of his current pinstriped uniform might make him look less like a giant circus freak.

Nice dub, UMass Football. You too, Boston College.

To be fair, the Connecticut Sun really didn’t stand a chance against Becky Hammon’s giant basketball brain.

Ben Volin understands irony like Alanis Morissette did. Don’t you think?

Cakes are cooking for Stephen King, Artis Gilmore, Cecil Fielder, Maggie Grace, and John Kitna.

That Bucs-Saints game (had) me looking like woah woah what do we have here

Orange Line Update: All fix!

My robot vacuum disappeared under some piece of furniture a couple of weeks ago. I know it is out there somewhere, but I just don’t have the energy to organize a search for it.

You gotta love Portnoy calling Minihane a local show. Kirk took it in stride, like he does with all things.

Character Power Rankings after Episode One:

1. Warlaird Cor Trullblitz the Moosehearted – Where do his true loyalties lie?

2. Anona, Electress of Baverphlact – You go, girl!

3. The Royal Concoctioneer Deem ap Zeem – Hmm, where is this character arc going?

The Appalachian State radio guys apparently broke into some obscure holler dialect or started speaking in tongues.

To me network shows are the channels you can get with an antenna.

Never want to see the ambulance.

I’m kind of waiting to see something that tells me that Triston Casas is better than Bobby Dalbec. So far I haven’t really seen it. Anybody?

News Item: “The Phantom of the Opera” will close on Broadway after 35 years in February 2023.

I search the composting hashtag frequently.

Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to wake up, wake up
Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to rest your mind
You know you should so I guess you might as well….

What’s the story morning glory?

I’m not one to brag, but all three of my fantasy football teams won the past weekend. Huh? What? Yes; that is so brag-worthy!

you can critique Mac Jones all you want but you better do the same for your boy Justin fields cause if you don’t. We all know why

Is George Wendt in the new Fletch movie?

Here’s the thing; with apple picking: It’s about pie building, not about accumulating Granny Smiths.

You can’t re-ignite the donnybrook, former Coach Kangol.

RIP, Shelby Jordan.  His death means that John Hannah is the last survivor of the Pats’ great o-line of the Fairbanks Era: Gray, Lenkaitis, and Sam Adams Sr. all have died.

Aaron Judge is like having two 30-HR guys on the team, but only using one roster spot.

Honk if you remember LoJack.

My lawn? rebounding nicely, thank you.

Gunner Olszewski did a lot of muffing in New England too.

Notice the new Lucky logo at midcourt?

The Patriots are trading OT Justin Herron to the Raiders, per source.

Did Kayce Smith take anything to the face this weekend?

Calling Babe Ruth “a lazy fats tits” because he was overweight the second half of his career is also odd. Alejandro Kirk was was a MLB All Star (deservedly so) in 2022. Baseball players have always come in all shapes and sizes.

When do I get my The FBI’s/NCIS’s Incredible Crossover Event, CBS?

From the Azores to the Ashkenazi, it’s about the beautiful game, Danny.

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots holding Lamar. Demeatrice. Jackson. Jr. under 101 yards rushing.

Shut right the Hell up that this was ‘almost an interception’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, BSMW poster Canadian Soldier, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t leave me high. Don’t leave me dry.  

And Happy Birthday to country music superstar Faith Hill.

09/15/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Needs more logos, but you get it.

Your Resilient Red Sox only need to go 12-7 over the rest of the season to finish 81-81. That’s doable!

14 15 other NFL teams are also winless, caller. Buck up, lil camper.

Don’t let the Sun win tonight, Aces!

Unless they win out and get help from other squads, the Revolution will not be televised this MLS postseason.

Benching players isn’t a real thing, just like framing pitches.

Bernie Shaw dying the same day as the Queen is the ultimate Farrah Fawcett’ing.

Cakes are cooking for Pete Carroll, Tawny Little, Earnest Byner, DJ Kay Gee, Tom Hardy, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., and Wout van Aert.

A torn pectoral muscle on a Watt brother? Inconceivable!

Plymouth Rock does make Old Sturbridge Village look like Six Flags by comparison.

Owning a samurai sword is in a dead heat with having a face tattoo as the biggest red flag there is.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “How, but also hoe.”

Wake up the Echoes. No, really.

Starfucker Bob Kraft loves a Black man with a record more than Quincy Jones does.

News Item: Roger Federer announces his retirement from professional tennis.

Sell wetter ham in the grab-n-go case by the deli, Market Basket!

Jason Garrett brings as much life to an event like Bill Belichick does to a Christmas carol.

Volleyball stadium? They can’t use the basketball gym?

Blue Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Matt Patricia right now is still more successful than YOU, radio talking man. He is. He is!

Suzy Kolber always sounds like she’s smiling as she’s talking. That might sound strange – but I just love listening to her host.

Chargers CB JC Jackson, who is questionable for tonight, is recovering from surgery necessitated by Jackson being born with an extra bone in the back of his ankle, sources say. That extra bone was causing pain and inflammation, so the arthroscopic procedure was to remove it.

Sara Civian is a free agent.

Got to give some cred to Manny Machado, I think. I’ve never been a Machado Man, but he is now in his 11th major league season and has never had anything remotely resembling an off season. Not too many guys have ever done that.

Vincent D’Onofrio being Private Pyle, Edgar The Bug, and Kingpin is fucking throwing me for a loop.

Have a thicker TV.

Sue Bird is retired from the WNBA, but still plans on having more knee injuries.

It ain’t the way you move
It ain’t the way that you move me
Oh no
It ain’t the way you shake
It ain’t the way that you shake me
Oh no
I’ve lived 25 years
I’m a kid on the run
I got a pistol for action.

That toad Gary Washburn should stick to not knowing basketball.

I have also informed my bees the Queen has died.

Kirk should, he should do a, another true crime podcast, but this one, it would be about what killed WEEI!

Honk if you remember the CableACE Awards.

You should always order your chicken and waffles under an assumed name and not ‘gram the pic until later.

I can’t find any fun sized Three Musketeers bars anywhere; is there a nougat shortage too?

For those wondering, Skeets Quinlan played in 49 NFL games and finished his career with 258 carries for 1,514 yards and 9 TD rushing.

Is the Duke of Dorchester invited to the Queen’s funeral?

In 1994, Bulgaria had the only soccer team where all players last names ended in ‘OV’.

Best bet for the weekend: a real dark place/trap/must-win/rock fight/phone booth/ flu game at no-longer Heinz Field.

Okay toots. whatevs.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, Buckingham Palace, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, The Bag Pod podcasters who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster NorwoodZip, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. God Save the King.

Bianca de Nîmes Garza.

09/08/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

“Where am I?” ‘Palm Beach Atlantic University.’

Did the NFL bring the 2022 Lombardi trophy to Los Angeles in case Buffalo leads at halftime?

I demand Gallinari go get a third opinion!!

The Patriots leaving early for Miami is proof they are desperate, caller.

You can’t buy the kind of good publicity you get by scheduling a secret basketball game to entertain inmates which then leaks to the public, as it would.

Xander Bogaerts. Fakest good season ever (non-Benintendi division).

Imagine being the greatest athlete in the history of professional sports and you still have a cvnt wife.

I don’t call LIV Golf ‘Liv; I call it ’54’. Thanks for visiting Boston, Our Friends The Saudis.

Lucy Burdge is doubtless sad about the news of Queen’s Elizabeth II’s health but will still tell you to bet the over on her making it through the weekend.

Cakes are cooking for Rogie Vachon, Aimee Mann, Greg Minor, P!nk, Alexandre Bilodeau, Arrelious Benn, Bruno Fernandes, and Shane Dylan.

By the way, “Magic Number Time” is also known as “football season.”

Probably a good thing dragons were extinct before insurance agencies started. The premiums for riding then would be outrageous.

Always when I’m in the car. Death, taxes and big NBA news when I’m driving!

Oh God, not another hacky Timothée Chalamet impression!

Every football player in the 1940’s was a Polack with a 3-letter first name.

There’s significance to Kenny Pickett being second, and not third, on the depth chart with the Steelers. Means he’ll dress on game day, and that the coaches feel comfortable with him as the guy they put in in a pinch.

If I’m living in Middle Earth I’m not going anywhere near a body of water.

How can Cam work in the produce department, yet be so unfamiliar with green salads?

So the Super Bowl winning teams gets to host the Kickoff Thursday Game? What a great tradition. It must date all the way back to 2020!

Hey gang of diva WR’s, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “silly cap dollars.”

News Item: Patriots traded Mason for a fifth-round pick earlier this offseason.

I can’t log on to my Instagram so I think it’s time to be dramatic and start planning funeral arrangements.

I wonder if Glenn Ordway has enough $ to buy WEEI from Audacy?

The EuroBasket ball looks like one that’s been on the playground for a year, but has that perfectly worn-in feel and comes off your hand just right.

Blue Line Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

So the other fake stat creators also hate Tyler “Warren Sharp” Brickner? Good to know.

It always delights me when the Lone Gunmen show up in X-Files episodes.

Explaining to people all the clues that the Queen is actually dying – the kids are all going to Scotland! the BBC is in mourning dress! it’s actually Operation Unicorn because she’s at Balmoral! — like I’m breaking down an episode of House of the Dragon for my mom over here.

Is it called Mount Rainier because of all the rain over there?

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we’ve never kissed
You want me to forget (to forget)
Pretend we’ve never met (never met)

And I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I haven’t yet
You walk by, and I fall to pieces.

There is a reason why Matthew Stafford described himself as 100% heading into tonight. Following a PRP injection and a non-surgical procedure aimed at healing the elbow, Stafford has completed his 6-month rehab. He’s ready.

I too wish to remain comfortable and at Balmoral.

Yahoo says my fantasy draft grade is a C-?! Well I grade your grading ability a D- then!!

He is just a cornered animal fighting back.

Today is Star Trek Day. So honk if you remember Doctor Spock.

Using the same logic the mediots apply to who’s truly responsible for the Patriots’ success, I think I can safely conclude that Bill Belichick was the only thing keeping Tom and Gisele together.

Hot dogs and French fries are bad for your health? Naw you don’t say?

The final KJ and Dondero Show was broadcast on WEEI Sunday. Also, WEEI had broadcast something called the ‘KJ and Dondero Show’ prior to Sunday, apparently.

Stacey Dash is going to be heartbroken when she finds out about Bernard Shaw and David Arnold. In February. Of 2024. RIP.

So glad Eck was in the booth for Casas’ debut.

Did you ever want to, when in the canned vegetable aisle of the supermarket, just shout out ‘NIBLETS!!” at the top of your lungs? Well don’t; after that they will kindly but firmly ask you to leave.

The Florida humidity turned Jalen Mills’ hair green!

Congratulations on an enviably successful career Serena. Don’t screw it up by un-retiring, like some people do.

Best bet for the weekend: Prince Charles measuring the rooms for new drapes at Buckingham Palace.

A herd of Buffalo predictions. We’ll see.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, Buckingham Palace, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, Bannerman General Ser Reisner, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster Blinded by the Lombardis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. God Save the Queen.

And HBD to Neko Case.

08/31/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Visionary Linda’s Fenway Rooftop Gardens got nothing on Linda’s Revamped Frontyard.


Or perhaps not. Someone should ask that blogger if ‘David Field’ sounded suspiciously like ‘Don Yee.’

Just a meniscus tear for Danilo Gallinari. Celtics fans dodged a bullet, unlike Brian Robinson Jr. Get well both of you.

4 PM Saturday games in the summer are elite. Go to a game, go out for drinks/dinner on a rooftop or in the North End, grab some gelato (shop staffing permitting), watch the sunset, thrive.

Karrie Archibald notifies me her dad is alive and well… And thanks everybody for their concern…

Andrew Callahan looks like an extra from a Nugenix commercial.

Revs are currently in the wrong bunch of seven squads. Could use a W or three in their upcoming September matches.

Sun versus Sky? Sounds like a fable, or native lore.

Scott Zolak could stand in the middle of a North Attleboro industrial park and shoot someone and he wouldn’t lose any of his fans. It’s incredible.

Cakes are cooking for Richard Gere, Gina Schock, Jeff Frye, Jennifer Azzi, Debbie Gibson, Pádraig Harrington, Jeff Hardy, Ted Ligety, Mohammad bin Salman, and Chuck the Tuxedo Cat.

Just turned on the U.S. Open. What happened to Tsitsipas?

Carolina has been in the market for offensive weapons. Jax was open to dealing Laviska Shenault. A perfect match.

When folks say Michael Jordan is their favorite athlete, it’s such a boring and lazy answer. Gimme something different man.

Just watch the Luke Bryan documentary like your wife is forcing you to do like a normal person.

Out: Cry. In: Cope.

Tom Brady was definitely healing a new face during his 11-day absence from Bucs camp.

Paul Perillo’s career now consists of appearing on TV three times a year in front of a dancing claymation Bob’s Discount Furniture guy.

Ciao, gang! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I saw bones come out I hope nothing serious but I fear the worst.”

Peter Vescey is an asshole.

It occurred to me that “hippie” and “hipster” are similar words, yet hippies and hipsters are different – I think about things like this – and now I’ll go back to thinking about the circumference of the earth and the depth of the Mariana Trench, also things I think about.

MBTA Red Line Update: Your train is stopped one stop away.

I don’t know about this Saudi golf business, but were we still all mad at the Krauts and Japs in 1962?

Pro tip: Sackface Andelman is the one that looks like a ballsack.

Out of all the chips in the world, BBQ chips are my favorite. Cool Ranch Doritos probably 2nd tho.

Death by misadventure usually ends in a retired number.

I’ll take Tom Curran seriously when he stops using his middle initial unnecessarily.

Can’t wait to count the empty seats at Vito Stellino’s funeral.

News Item: Juliette Binoche: ‘I loved two men at once’. (Diedrich Bader as Lawrence in Office Space GIF)

I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change.

An August summer night
Soldiers passing by
Listening to the wind of change.

The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers.

The future’s in the air
Can feel it everywhere
I’m blowing with the wind of change.

If there are curmudgeons, why aren’t there catmudgeons and birdmudgeons and goatmudgeons?  Just imudgeon it. . . Honk if you remember Danny Almonte.

Like Kellen Mond more. You can’t!

Cats get so much happier after you feed them.

First Len Dawson now Ernie Zampese, the tobacco industry can’t survive that kind of hit! Watch your back, Jim Leyland, is all I’m sayin’.

Think that Rory McIlroy is a little bit good at golf?

I want to do stuff to Katie.

It might not be the Red Sox’s year.

The music of Yung Gravy is very helpful in these trying times.

Halloween candy in supermarket displays in August? I’ll retire to Bedlam.

It’s a low bar, but Chad Graff is already better than Matt Fairburn.

Best bet for the weekend: people thinking aloud that Monday feels like a Sunday.

Weep, you honks and bobos. (Graphic courtesy of that huge loser Mark Danels)
Fine. Here’s your Bianca de la Garza fix for the long weekend.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW posters Hacksaw, Laszlo Panaflex, and Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. In the still of the night I hear the wolf howl, honey, sniffing around your door. In the still of the night I feel my heart beating heavy, telling me I gotta have more.

08/24/22 Sports in The Junk Drawer Column

Rail Replacement – I’m a Train Choo Choo
Them Brits know how to handle institutional decline.

So of course, the thing most likely to result in horrid shit takes happens. Twice. Going great!

Yes, that could be either the Pats or the Sox.

Skinny bones should heal quicker, right?

I would love to go to an oceanfront resort that put a big living room on the beach.

Devers: he’s the same age as the Little Leaguers! Get it? Get it??

If a rap show happens in New England and you don’t see Dart, did it really happen?

Two cheers for WEEI for the Jimmy Fund Radiothon thing.

Cakes are cooking for Vince McMahon, Mike Shanahan, Cal Ripkin Jr, Dana Gould, Marlee Matlin, Dave Chappelle, and Arian Foster.

Is Kayce going to wear white for the wedding? What, it’s a valid question!

I am really, really, extra really glad that Bill Lee is OK, but, Jesus, having a heart attack in the bullpen while warming up to enter a professional baseball game at age 75 would have been the most poetic exit of all time.

Mike McDaniel has proven noted genealogist Chuck D’s “Fear of a Black Planet” thesis to be incorrect.

Never had too much Crown Royal. Not a big fan. Just give me a Budweiser and I’m happy.

What color stripe on the American flag do tow truck drivers get?

Fitchburg Line Train 416 (12:25 pm from Wachusett) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Shirley and North Station.

Hey gang of Brooklynite hoopster hipsters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “we have agreed to move forward with our partnership.”

Beyonce loves making spaghetti and sandwiches. She could feed me virtually anything and I’d be happy.

I’m travelin’ down that lonesome road
Feel like I’m draggin’ a heavy load
Yeah, I’ve tried to turn my head away
Feel ’bout the same most every day

(You know what I’m talkin’ about, baby)

You’re in a car, what’s the worst that can happen if you try to drive through that flooded underpass? Go for it.

Do you have a tan plan?

All the farmers and ranchers are selling their herds! Tomatoes won’t be grown anymore! California will have a megadrought AND a megaflood! The UN warns of nuclear annihilation! Covid! Monkeypox! Polio!

We lost Lul Pab?

I love when Laura Rutledge is covering football no matter what. I don’t care if it’s just a preseason game. Keep shining Laura- people notice.

MBTA Orange Line Update: Nope.

Why is raw bacon always cut longer than the width of your largest frying pan?

Let me translate: “He won 17 games 3 years in a row for the Sox. Awful person. Sucks. No moment of silence. Go Orioles.”

Late August at noontime is perfect sweatshirt weather.

Another lost practice for YOUR Patriots. Sad.

Best part of the season, where Dave O’Brien awkwardly chats with people who are dying.

Honk if you remember the Hellenic Flu.

I called someone a psychopath for a minimally weird thing yesterday and my wife was like “do they sit on the deck and look up where every plane that passes overhead is going?” and I thought maybe she had a point.

Jim? Jimbo? Jimmy? Jom?

Using hot dogs as straws? This is why the terrorists and Peter King hate us.

On subject, do you think Doug Kyed has a thigh tattoo of that ‘we’re all trying to find out who did this’ guy in the hot dog suit?

It started out in neon lights and then all got dark.

I’ve seen more Josh McDaniels praise this week than I did during all his time in new England.

Historically, some starting pitchers with less than 200 wins HAVE made the Hall of Fame, including Jack Chesbro (198), Dazzy Vance (197), Ed Walsh (195), Rube Waddell (193), Lefty Gomez (189), Sandy Koufax (165), Addie Joss (160) and Dizzy Dean (150).

Christian Kirk caught 5 passes from Trevor Lawrence in the Jaguars’ last preseason game and is a value play later in your drafts.

Don’t think we didn’t notice the Jujyfruits are now smaller, Heide Candy Company.

PGA Tour Championship starts Thursday. Who do you like?

Best bet for the weekend: having a tan plan.

Overwater Cabana SZN.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friend howzie, Josh Marion (stick tap to TapeGrindah for convincing me Josh was on the level, babe), Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Step Beyond!!

And HBD to singer Perri ‘Pebbles’ Reid.
There are respectful. ways to memorialize Len Dawson. That ain’t it, Chief.

08/17/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

James White. Thank you for all you did as a New England Patriot.

Yeah, I’m sure Bill fucking Belichick is a couple weeks into training camp and has no plan for his offense. Just making it up as he goes. Planning every detail meticulously for the last 50 years must have been exhausting. He deserves to go out there and just sling it for a change.

Your last-place (for now) Boston Red Sox finally won a series against an AL East Division foe!

Zolak shouldn’t use binoculars, they should give him a telescope.

NESN has a ‘Sun in 2’ WNBA rebroadcast?

Have all the Twitter injury docs deleted their accounts after the Zach Wilson misdiagnosis fiasco? And if no; why not?

No city loves its sports talk like Boston, and no city tunes it out like Los Angeles. Advantage: LA.

They also don’t drive Chevy Caprices or Dodge Polaras anymore Jill.

Good luck Middleborough Little Leaguers.

Cakes are cooking for Robert De Niro, Guillermo Villas, Robin Cousins, Jon Gruden, Dottie Pepper, Don Sweeney, Ed McCaffrey, Christian Laettner, Donnie Wahlberg, Thierry Henry, Dustin Pedroia, Dee Brown (the other one), and Lil Pump.

Lil’Jordan is not lil’. I think his parents made a dubious assumption.

Dondero is probably wondering when Sir Elton will write a song memorializing his sister, Olivia Newton.

Revs maneuvering to move up in the standings with a match tonight after a 1-0 win on Saturday.

From no weapons to WR7, WR8, and WR9 having to sit on milk crates in the WR Room!

Shukri is going to beat Dondy to a full time gig. Sad.

NBA twitter doesn’t know what “grandfathered” means. More’s the pity.

Sharing shellfish is essentially an adoption ceremony.

Jimmy G wasn’t ghosting you. He was fucking fat porn stars.

Red Line Ashmont Branch Update: Going Great!

I’m sure I am not the first one to notice this, but. . . with Springer out, the Blue Jays have picked up Jackie Bradley Jr. and Whit Merrifield to play center. Those two are best friends. They were teammates at South Carolina, have stayed close. It reminds me of that time in the 1930s when some team, I think it was the Tigers, platooned Gee Walker–with his brother, Hub Walker.

Is ‘Chip’ from My Three Sons calling in to the Rich Kimball show this week?

Hey gang of spotty potatoes, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ” And in the end, should Michelle game take a backseat to being able to execute well?”

Nobody pays for Peacock, babe.

Is it really surprising that the people who are sure to put SENIOR writer in their Twitter bio are preoccupied with titles?

Chargers S Derwin James, who had been holding in and now will practice, gets a massive deal. 4 years, $76.532M in new money as the highest paid safety. The $29M in year 1 is also a record. The two sides had been close for a few days, just closed the gap.

On the night of The Undertaker’s debut we also bore witness one of wrestling’s worst moments..the Gobbledy Gooker.

They eat innings! They do!

“Mac” is one more character than ‘10’.

Of course “Honky Tonk Part II” belongs on the Sirius XM 50s channel, not 60s Gold. But it remains my fave all-time Rock ‘n Roll instrumental, regardless.

It’s definitely everybody else’s fault but Ronaldo’s.

There are more Joneses in the Pats secondary than in a gentrified Chinatown phone book!

Here I am
And you’re a Rocket Queen
I might be a little young
But honey I ain’t naive.

Hey @MBTA you what would be great? In the middle of summer having working A/C on the Red Line train instead of having passengers sweating profusely.

Tom Brady is never going to win Buccaneers Practice Player of the Week at this pace.

“Seek Asylum” lmao ..

Honk if you remember Rubby De La Rosa.

It’s incredible what they were able to do with Tomase’s hair for the viewing.

I’m old enough to remember Todd Collins not hitting Kordell Stewart on the sidelines costing the Pats a playoff game in PIT. So don’t be a puss, Chris McCaffrey.

Best bet for the weekend: A German not winning the BMW Open down at the Wilmington CC.

“Is that my birthday cake in theah? IS THAT MY BIRTHDAY CAKE IN THEAH?!” HBD you delightful lunatic.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Vacation, all I ever wanted. Vacation, had to get away. Vacation, meant to be spent alone.

And also happy birthday to Go-Go’s vocalist and solo artist Belinda Carlisle.

08/10/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Richard. Vershaun. Seymour. Hall. Of. Fame.

‘If you didn’t know better, you’d think the Jets sent Bill Belichick north to destroy the Patriots from within. On a day when they could have had impact players David Terrell or Koren Robinson or the second-best tackle in the draft in Kenyatta Walker, they took Georgia defensive tackle Richard Seymour, who had 1 sack last season in the pass-happy SEC and is too tall to play tackle at 6-6 and too slow to play defensive end. This genius move was followed by trading out of a spot where they could have gotten the last decent receiver in Robert Ferguson and settled for tackle Matt Light, who will not help any time soon unless last year’s draftees Adrian Klemm and Greg Robinson-Randle are busts.’

Looks like Britney Griner has a new 10 year-zero rubles deal with Russia.

Pleased to see the Revs scoring goals once again.

It’s a good thing Chris Sale is getting 145 million dollars from the Red Sox because he should not ever buy a lottery ticket.

DMT is produced naturally in your body. You can do breathing exercises to have it released.

Bergy. Krejci. Back. Now let’s get Middleton and Park signed and win some games!

Cakes are cooking for Tugboat (Fred Ottman), Rosanna Arquette, Jon Farriss, Riddick Bowe, Michael Bivins, Sal Fasano, and Kylie Jenner.

Who in 2022 is shocked to discover Pete Rose is still a sociopath?

790 The Score? It’s back.

Hearing whispers Serena Williams plans to join Coach Scar in retirement.

Eck and his lunatic patois to go bridge at end of season.

Hightown needs more extraneous lesbian sex scenes. That advance the plot.

Orange Line Update: It’s going to be chaos.

Paige Bueckers. Not owning. Limping. Get well soon, see you next year.

That’s right. CABOT cheese. From Vermont.

Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing is still looking for its first Cup Series win this season.

Is PBU this season’s EDGE?

Celebrities. Buying soy sauce? They’re just like us!

Jerry’s son is a Marine. Kevin.

What the hell are the Pats doing at training camp!? Oh, right.

Good for you, Joe Murray.

Russian prison tattoos > Normal WNBA player tattoos

‘The first time I wacked off was to Olivia Newton-John’ is not the tribute you think it is. RIP.

Hey gang of Jeeples, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No one has a bigger sugar high than the Chatham bros today ..”

Even in 1897 they hated bicyclists.

Schmoopy is married to George Stephanopoulos???

Diana Taurasi to miss remainder of WNBA regular season with a quad strain. May not be the Mercury’s year.

There are so many hot Asians in Atlantic City.

News Item: Paul Brown Stadium is now Harvey Pekar Stadium. Apparently.

Madawaska > Ayahuasca

The Packers tried out a large group of specialists plus a group of running backs: Dexter Williams, Kallen Ballage, Jaylen Samuels, Stevie Scott and Calvin Turner.

When the moon hung soft and low,
Catchin’ stardust in the light
You held me closer and closer
There was magic in the night

A sweet love song, a melody
That I still can recall
Two young hearts filled with dreams
To walk away with it all

Whoa, whoa tender years
Won’t you wash away my tears
How I wish you were here

Andy Hart can’t even get on a rollercoaster, and I’m supposed to trust his football analysis?

Honk if you remember The Book of Lists.

Even after yesterday’s thunderstorm, my poor lawn is still crunchy.

How are things in Glocca Morra?

LA traffic police needs to add the Strike Team to their division.

Tell us more about your gag reflex, Lucy.

A medallion of dust from the Gillette Stadium lighthouse is the second-dumbest thing I’ve ever received in the mail.

Bike lanes. Just not worth the risk.

Cool Hand Luke thinks that’s too many eggs.

Fun fact: This is first time Braves are in Boston as defending WS champs since October 7, 1915.

We’re still doing the Jac Collinsworth thing?

The Chatham Anglers is the name of Cape League squad, not the bros.

Be more fooled by hardo Dan Campbell.

As we emerge from this heat wave it’s nice to be reminded throwing snowballs is one of the few timeless things there is.

Kirk is running off another coworker!? What an upset!

Marshawn Lynch. He had to get home.

Best bet for the weekend: Howie Carr is armed and ready for civil war with his fucking cane.

Someone go and put one of these up by BC to symbolize the Red Sox chances of earning that last Wild Card spot now.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, BSMW posters Hacksaw, Bedford Dad, Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s gonna take you over A new sensation, (a new sensation).

And a happy Birthday to Angie Harmon as well.

08/03/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Eric and Kacie, in KC.

Red Sox were both buyers AND sellers at the trade deadline. Like being an importer/exporter.

I wish I was smart enough to discern the commonality between Mopey Tom Brady illicitly negotiating to leave New England and Mopey Tom Brady illicitly negotiating to leave Tampa Bay. 

Vin Scully. I feel like a part of my grandparents childhood died along with him. RIP.

Welcome to Boston Eric Hosmer, and welcome back Kacie. They’re probably not going to celebrate at Table.

Pray to Creator/God
Smudge/Light Incense and Candles
Feed the Sacred Alter dedicated to the Ancestors and Loved ones
Set intentions
Sit still
Meditate and Free your Mind
Invite other aligned Souls
Live out life beautifully and Manifest 
Help as many families as you can

I bet Tuukka is excited to finally do the sex now that he’s married.

Tell the wife to keep her head on a swivel and your kid to have faster reflexes, Seth.

Hashtag more names.

How are we as a society not making Aaron Judge pee into a cup every game?

Cakes are cooking for Martha Stewart, John Landis, Tim Mayotte, James Hetfield, Óscar Pereiro, Tom Brady, and Ryan Lochte.

So long Vazqy. We’ll see you later, when the Sox re-acquire you next season.

If you aren’t making Vin Scully’s death about yourself are you even nominally “in sports”?

Orange Line Update: To accelerate #BuildingABetterT efforts & address critical @FTA_DOT directives, the Orange Line will be fully diverted from 9pm on August 19 – September 18. Shuttle buses & the @MBTA_CR will be available for alternate service downtown & across the line.

Hey gang. This week’s Phrase that Pays is “a fundamental lack of understanding”


I’ll say it. I miss having Marv’s warm body to kick around.

There will be verification of said names.

My father, Bert Bell, invented the meaningless death.

Reply more to the same tweet. You can’t.

The first rule of being a ‘media personality’ should be that you have one. That Shukes guy has nothing to offer. Blank as a fart.

Mother in law owes you 80 bucks you never hear from her. You borrow her crock pot for 2 days? Hoo child.

It’s Red….. Auerbach. HOUR-BACK.

Don’t Google ‘docking’.

My content will be different moving forward.

Is Joe Biden addicted to COVID-19?

I think your baseball-reference is different than mine.

Low rider don’t use no gas now
Low rider don’t drive too fast

Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip and see
Take a little trip, take a little trip
Take a little trip with me.

I wonder if the cricket hiding and chirping behind the break room refrigerator knows the cricket hiding and chirping behind the water heater in my basement.

The Yankees this year are so good, a few people are even starting to compare them to the 2018 Red Sox.

ALERT: The City of Boston has declared a heat emergency beginning beginning tomorrow, August 4 through Sunday, August 7. Cooling centers will be open at 16 Boston Centers for Youth & Families community centers through Sunday from 9AM to 5PM

Hold on, ‘spaz’, is considered an ‘ableist slur’ in England? That’s just retarded.

Brady asked to be released in the summer of 2018, then actively colluded with a division opponent the following year. Bill managing that loon for 20 years is the greatest accomplishment in sports history.

Vin Scully called 21 no-hitters. The NBA equivalent would be calling 5 60-point games.

Honk if you remember Sihugo Green.

Tiger Woods reportedly turned down a 700-800 million dollar offer to join the new controversial LIV Golf tour. I say good for him. He can still make that and more in the United States.

Wait, Shula died?!!!

If you think about it, what Deshaun Watson did was also kind of an ‘equipment violation’. What?

Twitter must employ a disproportionate number of only children. Someone with older siblings would know the obvious difference between brotherly tough love and ‘targeted abuse.’

Quote tweet the same tweet more. You can’t.

Between Breer’s idiotic ‘the Patriots used Tom Brady’s draft position as leverage’ take, and Zawahiri getting killed in his Kabul Airbnb by a Hellfire missile with the Ginsu attachments, it’s been a bad week for Al’s.

I also wake up before 6 am to read stories about 94 year-olds.

I would have lost money had the Commonweath of Massachusetts allowed me to bet on whether the state legislature would allow legalized sports betting this session.

Best bet for the weekend: Birthday boy Tom loses another lineman to injury. Oh no!

Vin Scully. At Fenway Park. Both one-of-a-kind.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Love is in the water. Love is in the air. Show me where to look. Tell me, will love be there? Will love be there?

And a happy birthday to well-known Canadian actress Evangeline Lilly.

Special All-Bill Russell Edition Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Bill Russell…the only important statistic…is the final score…R.I.P. to a champion.

I hope for his dear wife Jeannine’s sake Bill Russell finished signing those last 250 basketballs while she selflessly & thoughtfully curated his Twitter account.

It’s like my pops used to say, “Bill Russell loved playing with white cooz on and off the court.” What?

Dale would call him William. Felton. Russell. Bill didn’t know who Dale was.

Bill, as the Celtics player-coach, was the first Black head coach in North American professional sports.

Given the choice between winning or going home, Bill Russell always chose Win.

Russ supposedly lived in Mercer Island, Washington and there’s a lot of performative mourning going on there.

The Celtics loss to the Warriors in the Finals stings even a little more now that it was Bill Russell’s last time watching his old team.

Many people, maybe the best people said the Russell draft-day trade from St. Louis for Macauley and Hagen was one of the most important trades in the history of North American sports.

Bill liked dogs and disliked the media.

If you’re using Bill Russell’s death as a vehicle to increase your social media presence/influence, well, you really shouldn’t do that.

Bill’s listed height during his playing career was 6’10”, not like that liar Larry Bird.

I wonder if the late Nichelle Nichols had a dubious story of Russ telling her to please stay on Star Trek like her oft-told MLK Jr. tale.

Climbing up on Bill’s deathbed to point at local sports fans and call them racist for also rooting for Tom Brady is a bad look, Renee, you ghoulish Globie.

Russ understood the rationale behind the NBA pretending Wilt once scored 100 points in a game.

Bob Ryan’s watch has stopped.

Bill Russell died peacefully. Jeannine gave him a blanket and a pillow. He was well-treated. He hoped to see his old teammates soon.

Kinda sad Bill didn’t live long enough to see Brittany Griner get set free.

The poor Sullivan Tire guy is heartbroken over Russ.

Everyone forgets this, but Bill Russell was also a civil rights icon.

Bill won two high school championships, an Olympic Gold medal, two national titles in college, 11 NBA Championship rings, and oddly enough, a NY Yankees pocket watch.

How was Bill Russell like Dexter Manley? Back in the day neither could get into Reading! Bwahahahaha!

Bill was arguable one of the Top Ten Best Celtics players ever.

Fun Fact: Russ hosted Saturday Night Live in 1979, the same year that Harry Shearer, Don Novello, and Paul Shaffer joined the cast.

Bill Russell could be prickly. And cackle-y. But he earned the right to be both.

Russ was friends with Kobe, but we won’t hold that error in judgement against him right now.

Bill Russell finally Lost a Game Seven. The opponent was Time. Kevin.

Best bet for the weekend: Shukri trying to climb inside the casket.

The little honkies; they loved Russ, too.

The standard Sports Junk Drawer disclaimer goes here. A normal(?) Sports Junk Drawer will be published mid-week, as usual.

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