10/19/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Yes, Benjamin. Yes you are.

Bill Russell no doubt approved the Celtics beating Philadelphia in the opener.

Goal scoring so far doesn’t look to be a problem for the Bruins.

Is Bailey Zappe a system quarterback yet?

It’s time for Steve Perrault to embrace his true vocation: playing Uncle Fester in a dinner-theatre troupe.

Were Stidhsy and Kennedy invited to the wedding?

Cakes are cooking for John Lithgow, Lynn Dickey, Evander Holyfield, Brad Daugherty, Jon Favreau, Prakazrel Michel, and Louis Oosthuizen.

The newspaper helped promote MLB to kids as much as anything. We used to read box scores and league leaders for hours, plus the baseball cards. Kids don’t do any of that anymore.

Gregg Popovich, the unofficial sommelier of the NBA, has six players on his roster who cannot legally drink.

DC should only let Matt Reeves and James Gunn touch their properties. Put the adults in charge.

NESN blows. Sure, spend all your money on digital boards that at best distract and at worst don’t track correctly while not getting the audio to work.

Calm down Marty Mornhinweg.

Blue Line Update: The work scheduled for the rest of this week has been cancelled.

Cute, fun, made up story, Ben!

Adalberto Mondesi is 27 now. Does he still have a chance to be a good player, or is he out of time?

There’s no electrical plates in here!

Celtics interim head coach Joe Mazzula burns off nervous energy by chewing gum. Ime should have tried that.

Brady skipped two practices and a walkthrough this week and had the balls to yell at his linemen during the game?

Hampsy?

How does Netflix not have Snoop Dogg’s voice saying “so just chill ’til the Next Episode” when you hit ‘still watching?’

Tyquan Thornton should wear 3-inch thick wristbands.

Glad to see Bill Russell’s widow getting some airtime. She’s earned it.

If you have two Mike Florios you really don’t have any.

‘The 76’ers are letting the Celtics take open shots in game 1 of 82 in case they see them again 7 months from now in the playoffs’ is a wild theory, Sam Vecenie. Wild.

Meghan Markle thought she was going to use her international relations degree for the role of “Suitcase Girl”?

Take all the time off you need, Carlos. Get your house in order, Media Mike.

Nick Wright is what DJ Bean would look like to me if I took acid and drank one Miller Lite.

Zappe Fever is not even a real medical condition, big brain.

News Item: Toucher and Rich bringing show producer Mike Lockhart back, and paying his entire salary. In a related story, Adam Jones to send Christian Arcand a ‘tough break, pal’ note, as soon as he finds out where he lives.

Slade’s Bar Grill is a Boston institution for a variety of reason.

I wish I was the brakeman
On a hurtlin’ fevered train
Crashing headlong into the heartland
Like a cannon in the rain.

With the beating of the sleepers
And the burnin’ of the coal
Counting the towns flashing by
In a night that’s full of soul.

With light in my head
You in my arms.

Springfield Thunderbirds looking for their first win of the AHL season in Laval tonight.

I wish Joe Torre was still involved in baseball somehow.

Who knew a lingering side effect of Sochi Stray Dog Eye AIDS was increased levels of pomposity?

Honk if you remember actress Zoe McClellan. And if you see her, idk, contact law enforcement, I guess.

Major League Baseball is better when the Yankees are contending for a World Series every season. There; I said it.

There’s just something special about physical tickets, very cool.

Bill Russell loved Aloe Blacc. And VistaPrint.

Tired: Everyone in the building hates Mac. Wired: Every other member of the local sports media hates Volin.

Have to believe #1 Son Jonathan gave dear old dad the lovely gift of an iron-clad prenuptial agreement.

Did Jack Easterby’s wife look back at the Texans facility and turn into a pillar of salt?

A least your Sounders are the CONCACAF Champs, Seattle.

Welcome to mortgage-free Wester Mass, Mark Daniels. Springfield; It’s like a baby Providence.

No driving angry, Bubba Wallace.

Taylor Heinicke takes over for Carson Wentz for now for the Commanders. Can he get the ball more to Terry McLaurin?

Best bet for the weekend: Yankees match up well against their nemesis Houston Astros.

Bill Russell. A great winner. Honor his memory this season, Celtics.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster Lefty, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Avarice and greed are gonna drive you over the endless sea. They will leave you drifting in the shallows or drowning in the oceans of history.

And Happy Birthday to Swedish actress Rebecca Ferguson.

BET with Dicey15 – Week 6 NFL BET(s)

Welcome to the world of quasi-legal sports betting!** We here at the15 noticed a dearth of gambling content on the internet and saw an opportunity to expand the #brand to include completely well thought out NFL betting advice*. Apologies for missing the first 5 weeks but there were extensive negotiations including emails and multiple phone interviews required to bring this to you.

BET in bold:

49ers -5.5/Falcons +5.5 – Falcons stink right?

Pats -1.5/Browns +1.5 – This one will be over faster than a Deshaun Watson massage and far less messy

Jets +7.5/Packers -7.5 – Jets cover in the battle of QBs with family issues

Jags +7/Colts -7 PUSH – Who the hell even cares

Vikings +3/Dolphins – 3 – Have more concussed QBs, Miami. You can’t!

Bengals -1/Saints +1 – This is my BET bet of the week. No way this one misses.

Ravens -3.5/NY Football Giants +3.5 – You see they call him “Wink” Martindale like the game show host. Timely reference.

Buccaneers -3.5/Steelers +3.5 – Sure, bet against Brady versus the Steelers and big brain Mike Tomlin. I dare you.

Panthers +9/Rams -9 – Panthers fans are ready for basketball season.

Cardinals -2.5/Seahawks +2.5 – Take the fictional birds of prey to cover versus the real birds of baseball.

Bills -1.5/Chiefs +1.5 – Lesser of two evils I suppose.

Cowboys PK/Eagles PK – Phillies in the playoffs and Eagles remaining unbeaten? BET. City of of Brotherly Love (S/O Vern)

MONDAY NIGHT SPECIAL –

Broncos +3/Chargers -3 – Chargers win the battle of extemporaneous 4th down attempts and cover.

PROP BET OF THE WEEK

I love all the prop overs but especially Robert Tonyan O 23.5 yards receiving.

*This is neither advice nor well thought out

** If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, get help fuckface.

10/13/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Czech Mates Pasta and Krejci. Reunited, and it feels so good.

The October Hunter’s moon has been so bright you could read a newspaper by it. If people still read newspapers.

Alphas don’t lock their twitter accounts.

Mookie Betts has one more post season RBI in a Red Sox uniform than Ian Kinsler, caller.

Deucedly polite of the Red Sox to not extend their season further into October so as to give the Bruins and Celtics the local spotlight.

A GOOSE! On the FIELD! During a Playoff Game! Can you BELIEVE it!?

Krejci had 4 points in his return to the US while Bitsy Griener rots in a Russian jail over a CBD vape pen.

Cakes are cooking for Mike Barnicle, Jerry Trupiano, John Ford Coley, Pat Day, Doc Rivers, Jerry Rice, Kate Walsh, Nancy Kerrigan, Summer Sanders, Roger Lima, Paul Pierce, and Park Ji-min.

Baseball injuries are so absurd… And this isn’t me saying “baseball players are pussies.” But in no other sport do dudes get hurt carrying deer meat up a flight of stairs, or burning themselves by ironing a shirt…while wearing the shirt.

When do we expect/estimate this year’s World Series to end, does anybody know?

MBTA Update: If you worked here, you’d be on your train right now.

It’s a fucking Drake lyric!

The Sullivan Tire commercials make me miss home.

Former Panthers coach Matt Rhule had several opportunities last offseason for big-time college jobs, but he turned them down to stay in Carolina. Now, he’ll have his choice of coveted college jobs.

Garapollo saving everyone’s ass out west. Good for you kid

Extra Toasty Cheez-It’s are a top tier snack.

Why do you hate sporting teams honoring indigenous peoples as worthy warriors?

Before the term “bullshit” moved into mass circulation, the term most often used for that was “bunk”. I think “bunk” was derived from an earlier term, “bunkum”. I think that usage of the word “bunk” is rapidly becoming archaic. I don’t think you hear or read it much anymore.

I want heart rate on players so bad. Test it like they do with mic-ing players up.

Hey gang, the sense I get from inside the building is that this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “This, presumably, is to set up a lawsuit.”

There’s two fake Justin Ramos’s. The real one and the other one.

Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Christian Arcand. Not anymore you’re not! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Yesterday was David. Lee. Henderson Day. The David before the David.

South Shore is the king of pizza while North Shore is the king of roast beef in this state.

Have 30 Seconds To Mars and 5 Seconds of Summer ever appeared at the same music festival before?

I’ll never understand the incessant noise they play at Dodger Stadium. It’s just plain obnoxious.

These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all

The way we look to a distant constellation
That’s dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don’t cry baby, don’t cry
Don’t cry.

Wait until Kirk investigates the Iroquois death on Season Three of ‘The Case’!

Honk if you remember the Cambridge Aku-Aku.

The Padres uniforms look like what I imagine Guatemalan UPS drivers wear.

Krejci, what is that, Italian?

Have fun making pizzas again Patriots practice squad feel-good story guy.

So the Tampa Bay Lightning abuse LTIR and underage high school girls, allegedly?

We need more political ads where the candidate’s family definitely loves them.

I feel bad for Tommy Trombone, or whoever they guy was the Mets closer entrance song was done by.

Best bet for the weekend: Coach Bill not being up front about injuries, not like cool Coach Shanny.

The majestic greater white-fronted goose.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Mama don’t take my Kodachrome away.

The late Angela Lansbury (circa mid 1940s). She didn’t always look old.

10/05/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

And now, the expected NFL equal and opposite over-reaction.

Not that this should be our first concern, but was there any damage to the Red Sox’ spring training complex when Ian went through Ft. Myers?  Anybody know?

You can’t spell ‘Moral Victory’ without an L. Sorrey!

The success of Brady’s marriage was all Belichick. Good job letting that amêijoa talk you out of New England only to get divorced anyway, Tom.

Bruins will have some tough roster decisions to make.

Giants quarterbacks Daniel Jones (ankle) and Tyrod Taylor (concussion) are injured. With the next game in London, anyone they sign will need to have a passport.

Mmm, yes, quite impressive, the American League 162 game season home run record. Wow.

Cakes are cooking for Clive Barker, Imrah Khan, Careca, Michael Andretti, Mario Lemieux, Patrick Roy, Josie Bissett, Grant Hill, Kate Winslet, and Javier Villa.

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall all alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops.

Celtics are still a couple players short…of being able to roll out a starting 5 who have been involved with one of Kris Jenner’s daughters!

Sliders are really just flattened meatballs.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing better to do this morning, weirdo?”

The Baseball Paper would like to point out the Red Sox will still end the year winning at least 60 more games than the Patriots will.

Who gets custody of Youk?

But if you get rid of the abusive youth coaches you won’t have youth sports.

Black guys love wearing hats of teams they don’t root for.

The “What does Vegas know?” guy is my favorite kind of dummy.

You go and apologize right now to Aaron Rodgers and Peter King you impudent young man!

Red Line Update: A wet leaf is reported to be on the tracks. Expect delays.

my name more precious to be diamonds n Gold

Y y’all keep playing with my character

they tried to barry me forgot i was a

Seed

The fat, sweaty bald guy who sings the chorus on Gangsta’s Paradise is still with us though, right?

If Arthur Fonzarelli were a Milwaukee City Councilman, what would he say to indicate a vote in the negative? Nayyyy!!

Father wears his Sunday best
Mother’s tired she needs a rest
The kids are playing up downstairs
Sister’s sighing in her sleep
Brother’s got a date to keep
He can’t hang around.

Our house, in the middle of our street.

Commanders RB Brian Robinson has been designated to return to practice. An incredible recovery after being shot last month. He can play as early as this Sunday.

Honk if you remember Socks Seybold.

Good job, UConn football.

First the Queen of England, now the Queen of Country. RIP, Loretta Lynn.

Sanibel was one of the most places I’ve been.

The Patriots are bringing out epic uniforms to play… the frigging Lions. Yuck!

Don’t tell me my package has arrived at the shipping location when all that really happened is that a label was printed.

Someone needs to reassure Benny and Vivi that even if Gisele and Tom do divorce, it doesn’t mean they will be treated like Jack.

You really can’t beat the ‘3 leather belts for $15’ deal in the Better Living Center during The Eastern States Exposition.

Force ghost Dick Rehbein advises Bill on drafting quarterbacks.

Running after that tire was a bad move, NASCAR Camping World Truck Series pit crew guy.

This crazy dude at Boca Pavilion that wore knee high socks on his arms talked like Antonio Brown raps. No difference.

Did Brian Hoyer watch MacGruber on the flight back from Wisconsin?

Christian Bale. Underrated.

Best bet for the weekend: Maggie Hassan ads on all the Boston stations.

For poor miseducated Bertie Breer.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Step Beyond!!

And a happy birthday to WCVB’s Chief Meteorologist Cindy Fitzgibbon.

09/28/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Artist’s conception of Jim Stewart’s Catphone.

 So there. For the 4th consecutive autumn, the Red Sox are not going to win the World Series.

Who does Ime Udoka think he is; Gene Lavanchy?

Get well soon, Mac Jones. Hoyer will game-manage until you are well. Say well more.

Always interesting to see which MLB teams remember to wish their Jewish fans a happy new year.

But Brett Favre!!

Bruins. No pressure on you.

Happy METCO Gorilla Day. At least John & Gerry learned their lesson from that one.

Cakes are cooking for Bridgitte Bardot, Steve Largent, Ron Fellows, Anne White, Grant Fuhr, Janeane Garofolo, Moon Unit Zappa, Jeezy, Emeka Okafor, St. Vincent, and Hilary Duff.

The Bills Mafia Kubler-Rossing their way through not getting the 20-0 season they expected is pleasantly diverting.

This Judge home run watch has turned into a slog, like waiting for Yaz’s 3,000 hit.

Actually was in line behind a nice little old lady who held up the 12 Items or Less lane by paying with a check. It was like an Elvis sighting.

Biggest thing I took out of that whole segment is not only Jeys demeanors with Sami but Jey sideyeing Roman hard when he had the mic and Roman asked for it back.

There are still 77 newspapers?

Red Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace train service between JFK/UMass and Broadway this weekend, October 1 – 2, from start to end of service.

Maybe don’t let the players pick the next coach?

Ravens DT Michael Pierce suffered a biceps tear in Sunday’s win, sources say, but there is not definitive word yet on how to proceed and if Pierce can continue playing at some point this season. Those tests and decisions are ongoing.

At least Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing was competitive.

Hey gang of Woj Bombers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Ime and Rob both finish inside.”

Dean Wormer, how many NESN360 subscribers are coming in to see Jared Carrabis get another tattoo?

You know the dealer, the dealer is a man
With a lot of grass in his hand
Ah but the pusher is a monster
Good God he’s not a natural man
The dealer, for a nickel lord
He’ll sell you lots of sweet dreams
Ah but the pusher’ll ruin your body
Lord he’ll leave… he’ll leave your mind to scream.
God damn ahh the pusher.
God damn, God damn the pusher.
I said God damn God, God damn the pusherman.

I do have to admit I have been very disappointed that Aaron Judge’s hair has not fallen out this season.

Proper begging the question usage is my love language.

I still have yet to hear an explanation as to how Ser Criston Cole could just beat a knight (and loved of the King Consort) to death at the wedding of the heir to the Iron Throne and it’s just ignored? I know Alicent scoops him up but that’s a lot to ignore. lol

I guess Boegarts screwing up Judge’s Triple Crown bid would be a nice send-off.

It’s a leg. Calais Campbell landed on it. The doctors will take a look.

Don Orsillo has broadcast 3,000 MLB games. That’s something like 875,000 pitches counted!

Honk if you remember when cars always had cigarette lighters on the dashboard.

Don’t worry, England; The NFL is coming to Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to heal your City of London.

I’m going to still be writing 5782 on my checks until Cheshvan! Such a tsuris!

Pithy one-liner.

Kyed’s sideways move to PFF seems to have really paid off for him.

Did Celtics interim HC Joe Mazzulla’s family come from the same village in Italy as Mike Tirico’s?

Hope someone asks Myles Garrett how the car crash felt.

Note out of the Marlins clubhouse: Richard Bleier is believed to be the first Jewish player to be called for 3 balks in one inning on Rosh Hashanah.

Did the famously tough NYC media grill Coach Saleh about his phone call from Trump? I thought as much.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, NFL Professional Bowl.

Good seats still available for the Tampa Bay Ray’s final visit to Fenway Park October 3rd-5th.

Stay safe, Floridan readers, friends & well-wishers.

Best bet for the weekend: Unfrozen tundra.

New England QB Mac Jones – Doubtful (franks and beans)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, BSMW poster Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Last night I held Aladdin’s lamp and so I wished that I could stay. Before the thing could answer me, well, someone came and took the lamp away.

And Happy Birthday to Oscar winner Mira Sorvino
(Photo by Ron Galella, Ltd./Ron Galella Collection via Getty Images)

From The 15 Vault – Happy Mo Lewis Day!

(From The15 Archives, originally published on this date in 2019.)

Not all heroes wear capes.

The Day Drew Almost Died

(Sung to the tune of Don McLean’s “American Pie.”)

A long, long time ago…
I can still remember how that QB used to make me smile.
And I thought if he had the chance,
That he could make Krafty Bob dance,
And maybe we’d be happy for a while.

But Parcells leaving made me shiver,
And Pete Carroll could not deliver.
Good news on the doorsteps;
Tom Brady would soon get more reps.

I can’t remember if I cheered,
When I read that his artery was sheared,
But I sure know that Coach Bill lied,
The day Drew almost died.

So bye bye cerebral statue guy.
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Does Drew even read his Book of Plays?
Then why’d he just pass it to the Tampa Bays,
If the Coach didn’t tell him so?
You don’t believe in gaining yards,
You can’t be saved by Parcells and Cafar…do.
And can you teach me how to move real slow?

Well, I know the media’s in love with him,
‘cause I saw one slurpin’ on his Jim,
He got down on his knees,
Man, I dig that dig-nity.

I was a lonely Globie in Foxboro,
With a speed-dial line to Tom Donohoe.
But I knew I had nowhere left to go,
The day Drew almost died.

I started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Now for five years we been on our own,
Zeffross Moss grows fat, and we’ve had Michael Stone,
But that’s not how it used to be.
When the Statue took a nut crushing sack,
With skills he borrowed from Mike Tomczak,
And footwork that made him look, like a tree.

Oh, and while the Statue was on the turf,
Tommy led the Patriots rebirth.
The Drew era was adjourned,
No more picks would be returned,
And while Borges ripped the coach for Starks,
The QB moved to Orchard Park,
And we raised banners in the dark,
The day Bledsoe almost died…

We were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Tall, strong slinger with a broken finger,
Passes not complete but they sure were zingers.
Six and two but falling fast.
Drew often ended up on the grass,
Whenever he tried for a forward pass.
With the jokes in the press box giving Coach such sass.

Now Mo Lewis’ hit was sweet perfume,
As the stench of Bledsoe’s failures loomed,
We all got up to dance,
As the new guy got a chance.
Oh, as Brady played with nerves of steel,
The Statue’s limits were soon revealed.
Six Banners now hang above the field,
Where Drew, he nearly died.

We started singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

And there we were down in Foxboro,
A QB lookin’ oh so slow,
With another I-N-Teeeeeee.
Drew be nimble, Drew be sacked,
Mo nearly broke poor Drew’s back,
But he played with dignity-y-y.

Oh, and as I watched him dive off the stage,
Tameeka’s disks cost 1.2 mil to assuage.
Max Lane could not repel,
Made Reggie White fast as a gazelle.
And as the blames piled high into the night,
Couldn’t be Drew, he was alright,
I saw Borges laughing with delight,
The day Drew almost died.

He was singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

I met a man who sang the blues,
And I asked him for some happy news,
But he just smiled and turned away.
I looked up that great box score,
Of the Minnesota game some years before,
But even then some said that Bledsoe couldn’t play.

And ar the Globe: the writers screamed,
Nutscrubbers cried, and Ron Borges schemed.
But not a word was spoken;
The AP feed was broken.
And the three men I admire true;
The Tuna, Don King and Cerebral Drew,
They caught the last train for Montana, too.
The day the Drew almost died.

And they were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

They were singing,
Bye bye cerebral statue guy,
Threw the passes to the D-line,
Or hit the corners in stride.
And Nick and Ron were drinking whiskey and rye,
Singing “Drew is such a nice classy guy”.
Drew is such a nice classy guy.

Copyright 2007 BSMW. Lyrics by Kevin, InThisTown, BOSsportsfan34, Smilin’ Joe Hesketh, Miserable Fellow, Marty Nopointe, Joe Dokes, UncleGizmo, and Ironhead.

09/21/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Zdeno. No Middle Name. Chára.

Thanks for the memories and for retiring as a Bruin, Big Z.

Plawecki DFA’d? The Sox season really ended that day. Although technically it did so several weeks back.

Local Media: “Steelers week two sure looks like a must-win game…” (Patriots win) “…well, that doesn’t count.”

The Celtics will be fine as long as no one else gets injured or needs surgery that will sideline them for 4-6 weeks.

Getting Aaron Judge out of his current pinstriped uniform might make him look less like a giant circus freak.

Nice dub, UMass Football. You too, Boston College.

To be fair, the Connecticut Sun really didn’t stand a chance against Becky Hammon’s giant basketball brain.

Ben Volin understands irony like Alanis Morissette did. Don’t you think?

Cakes are cooking for Stephen King, Artis Gilmore, Cecil Fielder, Maggie Grace, and John Kitna.

That Bucs-Saints game (had) me looking like woah woah what do we have here

Orange Line Update: All fix!

My robot vacuum disappeared under some piece of furniture a couple of weeks ago. I know it is out there somewhere, but I just don’t have the energy to organize a search for it.

You gotta love Portnoy calling Minihane a local show. Kirk took it in stride, like he does with all things.

Character Power Rankings after Episode One:

1. Warlaird Cor Trullblitz the Moosehearted – Where do his true loyalties lie?

2. Anona, Electress of Baverphlact – You go, girl!

3. The Royal Concoctioneer Deem ap Zeem – Hmm, where is this character arc going?

The Appalachian State radio guys apparently broke into some obscure holler dialect or started speaking in tongues.

To me network shows are the channels you can get with an antenna.

Never want to see the ambulance.

I’m kind of waiting to see something that tells me that Triston Casas is better than Bobby Dalbec. So far I haven’t really seen it. Anybody?

News Item: “The Phantom of the Opera” will close on Broadway after 35 years in February 2023.

I search the composting hashtag frequently.

Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to wake up, wake up
Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to rest your mind
You know you should so I guess you might as well….

What’s the story morning glory?
Well?

I’m not one to brag, but all three of my fantasy football teams won the past weekend. Huh? What? Yes; that is so brag-worthy!

you can critique Mac Jones all you want but you better do the same for your boy Justin fields cause if you don’t. We all know why

Is George Wendt in the new Fletch movie?

Here’s the thing; with apple picking: It’s about pie building, not about accumulating Granny Smiths.

You can’t re-ignite the donnybrook, former Coach Kangol.

RIP, Shelby Jordan.  His death means that John Hannah is the last survivor of the Pats’ great o-line of the Fairbanks Era: Gray, Lenkaitis, and Sam Adams Sr. all have died.

Aaron Judge is like having two 30-HR guys on the team, but only using one roster spot.

Honk if you remember LoJack.

My lawn? rebounding nicely, thank you.

Gunner Olszewski did a lot of muffing in New England too.

Notice the new Lucky logo at midcourt?

The Patriots are trading OT Justin Herron to the Raiders, per source.

Did Kayce Smith take anything to the face this weekend?

Calling Babe Ruth “a lazy fats tits” because he was overweight the second half of his career is also odd. Alejandro Kirk was was a MLB All Star (deservedly so) in 2022. Baseball players have always come in all shapes and sizes.

When do I get my The FBI’s/NCIS’s Incredible Crossover Event, CBS?

From the Azores to the Ashkenazi, it’s about the beautiful game, Danny.

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots holding Lamar. Demeatrice. Jackson. Jr. under 101 yards rushing.

Shut right the Hell up that this was ‘almost an interception’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, BSMW poster Canadian Soldier, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t leave me high. Don’t leave me dry.  

And Happy Birthday to country music superstar Faith Hill.

Happy Upton Bell Day

Upton Bell came very close to General Managing the New England Patriots to ten wins over two years, Mike.

Upton is Bert Bell’s son. Bert Bell was once the Commisioner of the NFL. Bert Bell was Upton’s father.

Upton Bell claims credit for more discoveries, innovations, and interactions with famous people than even Eddie Andelman!

Upton was General Manager of the New England Patriots. In 1971 he forgot to send option letters to the Patriots players, effectively making the entire team free agents.

The Patriots record during Upton’s tenure as GM was 9-19.

Upton Bell can do anything he puts his mind to, Kevin.

Everyone who could refute any of Upton’s Commander McBragg/Baron Munchausen/Forrest Gump stories is conveniently dead.

Upton is so old he understands all the outdated pop culture references in the previous sentence.

Upton Bell believes nepotism has no place in the modern NFL, Mike.

On Twitter, Upton likes to reply, and replies to likes!

Upton Bell was There At the Beginning. Of the AFL, not the United States.

Upton will turn 100 in 2037.

Upton wishes you a Happy Him Day.

09/15/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Needs more logos, but you get it.

Your Resilient Red Sox only need to go 12-7 over the rest of the season to finish 81-81. That’s doable!

14 15 other NFL teams are also winless, caller. Buck up, lil camper.

Don’t let the Sun win tonight, Aces!

Unless they win out and get help from other squads, the Revolution will not be televised this MLS postseason.

Benching players isn’t a real thing, just like framing pitches.

Bernie Shaw dying the same day as the Queen is the ultimate Farrah Fawcett’ing.

Cakes are cooking for Pete Carroll, Tawny Little, Earnest Byner, DJ Kay Gee, Tom Hardy, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., and Wout van Aert.

A torn pectoral muscle on a Watt brother? Inconceivable!

Plymouth Rock does make Old Sturbridge Village look like Six Flags by comparison.

Owning a samurai sword is in a dead heat with having a face tattoo as the biggest red flag there is.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “How, but also hoe.”

Wake up the Echoes. No, really.

Starfucker Bob Kraft loves a Black man with a record more than Quincy Jones does.

News Item: Roger Federer announces his retirement from professional tennis.

Sell wetter ham in the grab-n-go case by the deli, Market Basket!

Jason Garrett brings as much life to an event like Bill Belichick does to a Christmas carol.

Volleyball stadium? They can’t use the basketball gym?

Blue Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Matt Patricia right now is still more successful than YOU, radio talking man. He is. He is!

Suzy Kolber always sounds like she’s smiling as she’s talking. That might sound strange – but I just love listening to her host.

Chargers CB JC Jackson, who is questionable for tonight, is recovering from surgery necessitated by Jackson being born with an extra bone in the back of his ankle, sources say. That extra bone was causing pain and inflammation, so the arthroscopic procedure was to remove it.

Sara Civian is a free agent.

Got to give some cred to Manny Machado, I think. I’ve never been a Machado Man, but he is now in his 11th major league season and has never had anything remotely resembling an off season. Not too many guys have ever done that.

Vincent D’Onofrio being Private Pyle, Edgar The Bug, and Kingpin is fucking throwing me for a loop.

Have a thicker TV.

Sue Bird is retired from the WNBA, but still plans on having more knee injuries.

It ain’t the way you move
It ain’t the way that you move me
Oh no
It ain’t the way you shake
It ain’t the way that you shake me
Oh no
I’ve lived 25 years
I’m a kid on the run
I got a pistol for action.

That toad Gary Washburn should stick to not knowing basketball.

I have also informed my bees the Queen has died.

Kirk should, he should do a, another true crime podcast, but this one, it would be about what killed WEEI!

Honk if you remember the CableACE Awards.

You should always order your chicken and waffles under an assumed name and not ‘gram the pic until later.

I can’t find any fun sized Three Musketeers bars anywhere; is there a nougat shortage too?

For those wondering, Skeets Quinlan played in 49 NFL games and finished his career with 258 carries for 1,514 yards and 9 TD rushing.

Is the Duke of Dorchester invited to the Queen’s funeral?

In 1994, Bulgaria had the only soccer team where all players last names ended in ‘OV’.

Best bet for the weekend: a real dark place/trap/must-win/rock fight/phone booth/ flu game at no-longer Heinz Field.

Okay toots. whatevs.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, Buckingham Palace, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, The Bag Pod podcasters who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster NorwoodZip, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. God Save the King.

Bianca de Nîmes Garza.

09/08/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

“Where am I?” ‘Palm Beach Atlantic University.’

Did the NFL bring the 2022 Lombardi trophy to Los Angeles in case Buffalo leads at halftime?

I demand Gallinari go get a third opinion!!

The Patriots leaving early for Miami is proof they are desperate, caller.

You can’t buy the kind of good publicity you get by scheduling a secret basketball game to entertain inmates which then leaks to the public, as it would.

Xander Bogaerts. Fakest good season ever (non-Benintendi division).

Imagine being the greatest athlete in the history of professional sports and you still have a cvnt wife.

I don’t call LIV Golf ‘Liv; I call it ’54’. Thanks for visiting Boston, Our Friends The Saudis.

Lucy Burdge is doubtless sad about the news of Queen’s Elizabeth II’s health but will still tell you to bet the over on her making it through the weekend.

Cakes are cooking for Rogie Vachon, Aimee Mann, Greg Minor, P!nk, Alexandre Bilodeau, Arrelious Benn, Bruno Fernandes, and Shane Dylan.

By the way, “Magic Number Time” is also known as “football season.”

Probably a good thing dragons were extinct before insurance agencies started. The premiums for riding then would be outrageous.

Always when I’m in the car. Death, taxes and big NBA news when I’m driving!

Oh God, not another hacky Timothée Chalamet impression!

Every football player in the 1940’s was a Polack with a 3-letter first name.

There’s significance to Kenny Pickett being second, and not third, on the depth chart with the Steelers. Means he’ll dress on game day, and that the coaches feel comfortable with him as the guy they put in in a pinch.

If I’m living in Middle Earth I’m not going anywhere near a body of water.

How can Cam work in the produce department, yet be so unfamiliar with green salads?

So the Super Bowl winning teams gets to host the Kickoff Thursday Game? What a great tradition. It must date all the way back to 2020!

Hey gang of diva WR’s, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “silly cap dollars.”

News Item: Patriots traded Mason for a fifth-round pick earlier this offseason.

I can’t log on to my Instagram so I think it’s time to be dramatic and start planning funeral arrangements.

I wonder if Glenn Ordway has enough $ to buy WEEI from Audacy?

The EuroBasket ball looks like one that’s been on the playground for a year, but has that perfectly worn-in feel and comes off your hand just right.

Blue Line Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

So the other fake stat creators also hate Tyler “Warren Sharp” Brickner? Good to know.

It always delights me when the Lone Gunmen show up in X-Files episodes.

Explaining to people all the clues that the Queen is actually dying – the kids are all going to Scotland! the BBC is in mourning dress! it’s actually Operation Unicorn because she’s at Balmoral! — like I’m breaking down an episode of House of the Dragon for my mom over here.

Is it called Mount Rainier because of all the rain over there?

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we’ve never kissed
You want me to forget (to forget)
Pretend we’ve never met (never met)

And I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I haven’t yet
You walk by, and I fall to pieces.

There is a reason why Matthew Stafford described himself as 100% heading into tonight. Following a PRP injection and a non-surgical procedure aimed at healing the elbow, Stafford has completed his 6-month rehab. He’s ready.

I too wish to remain comfortable and at Balmoral.

Yahoo says my fantasy draft grade is a C-?! Well I grade your grading ability a D- then!!

He is just a cornered animal fighting back.

Today is Star Trek Day. So honk if you remember Doctor Spock.

Using the same logic the mediots apply to who’s truly responsible for the Patriots’ success, I think I can safely conclude that Bill Belichick was the only thing keeping Tom and Gisele together.

Hot dogs and French fries are bad for your health? Naw you don’t say?

The final KJ and Dondero Show was broadcast on WEEI Sunday. Also, WEEI had broadcast something called the ‘KJ and Dondero Show’ prior to Sunday, apparently.

Stacey Dash is going to be heartbroken when she finds out about Bernard Shaw and David Arnold. In February. Of 2024. RIP.

So glad Eck was in the booth for Casas’ debut.

Did you ever want to, when in the canned vegetable aisle of the supermarket, just shout out ‘NIBLETS!!” at the top of your lungs? Well don’t; after that they will kindly but firmly ask you to leave.

The Florida humidity turned Jalen Mills’ hair green!

Congratulations on an enviably successful career Serena. Don’t screw it up by un-retiring, like some people do.

Best bet for the weekend: Prince Charles measuring the rooms for new drapes at Buckingham Palace.

A herd of Buffalo predictions. We’ll see.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, Buckingham Palace, other writers, league and team sourcesBill James, Bannerman General Ser Reisner, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster Blinded by the Lombardis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. God Save the Queen.

And HBD to Neko Case.
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