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Football Cat’s Week 3 NFL Picks 2026

Posted on September 25, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

🚨 A Storm Team 15 Weather Alert! 🚨

If that crazy, fat, bald, old man who lives alone in his creepy basement apartment has seemed extra irritable lately, it’s not only because he’s been getting his teeth kicked in on Twitter every day (although that’s 99% of the reason). It’s also because his rheumatism is probably acting up due to the impending Nor’easter (that and his eleven meniscus surgeries).

Nor’easter Preparedness Tips:

Stock Up on the 4 B’s: Beer, Bread, Batteries and Beer
Secure the Exterior: Bring patio furniture, garbage cans, and any small children indoors
Protect Windows: Baseball season isn’t over, but it might be time to install the storm windows
Clear Drainage: Send your wife up the ladder to clean out the gutters and downspouts
Vehicle Prep: Keep your gas tank full. Remember, much like your beer fridge: “half full is empty”
Check on Your Elderly Neighbors: They may have some extra beer

Stay safe, keep your paws dry, and remember: if the house blows away, you still have eight lives left.

Sunday Lunch Time
Chargers at Bills (-7)
Bills short circuit Bolts

Panthers (-2.5) at Browns
Black cats poop out Brown turds

Texans (-2.5) at Colts
Someone has to win, and Indy lost the coin flip

“What’s the most you ever lost on a coin toss?”

Jets at Lions (-6.5)
Kings of Beasts feast fancy on Gino’s Jets

Patriots at Jaguars (-2.5)
Spotted cats pounce on Maye’s many mistakes

Chiefs (-11.5) at Dolphins
Miami is definitely “Planning for Manning”©

Titans at Giants (-6)
Tits bounce G-Men

Bengals (-3.5) at Steelers
Stripey cats won’t be caged

Seahawks (-6.5) at Commanders
Fake Seabirds soar in the Swamp

Sunday Dinner Time
Cardinals at 49ers (-8.5)
Purdy’s cats swallow pretty red birds

Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you

Vikings at Buccaneers (-2.5)
Bucs shake and bake the Norsemen

Raiders at Saints (-3)
Saints stay above the Mendoza line

Ravens (-3) at Cowboys (Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
Pássaros pretos assustadores venceram os gauchos

*Don’t you wanna play the beautiful game out in Brazil*?

Sunday Prowl Time
Rams (-2.5) at Broncos
Horny sheep thrive at elevation

Monday Prowl Time
Eagles at Bears (-3.5)
American Birds leave Bears bawling

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 2 NFL Picks 2026

Posted on September 18, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

A statement for immediate release from New England Patriots and Gillette Stadium Owner Robert Kraft…

🚨 LOCAL MUSICIANS WANTED 🚨

Are you looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?

Do you possess an instrument, a pulse, and absolutely zero financial ambitions?

Do you know how to keep your opinions to yourself?

Brilliant! Because we have the perfect opportunity for YOU! We are putting together a band to open for legendary singer songwriter and all around mensch, Mr. Ed Sheeran on September 25th and 26th. Our previously booked act, a highly unprofessional meshugener schmuck, tragically canceled on us. That putz’s loss is your golden opportunity!

What We Offer
Unparalleled Exposure: Play for a stadium full of people that was expecting someone else entirely!
The Thrill of the Rescue: Bask in the heroic glory of saving our event from absolute disaster.
Complimentary Air: Breathe all the ambient oxygen you want while on stage.
Free Refreshments: A half-empty cooler of lukewarm Gatorade awaits you backstage, plus one (1) complimentary bologna sandwich after your performance is complete. (NOTE: The sandwich will only be available on night two.)

What We Need
Anyone who can carry a tune, hold a beat, or at least look convincing pretending to do so. Someone with absolutely no opinions on anything, especially regarding an obscure ongoing minor dispute in the Middle East. A performer with a deep, spiritual understanding that “art is its own reward” – because you won’t be getting paid.

If this sounds like you, please bring your gear and your talent down to One Patriot Place. We will supply the mandatory blue square pin.

Sunday Lunch Time
Panthers (-1.5) at Falcons
Black Cats pounce on predators

Vikings at Bears (-5.5)
Bears knockout Norsemen

Bengals at Texans (-3)
Stripey Cats give Houston problems

Steelers at Patriots (-5.5)
Kraft bans Qanon Rodgers from preforming at Gillette

Packers (-4) at Jets
Meatmen grind up Gotham

Eagles (-7) at Titans
American birds top Tits

Saints at Ravens (-8.5)
Scary Black Birds martyr Saints

Browns at Buccaneers (-8.5)
Bucs bake Brownies

Sunday Dinner Time
Jaguars at Broncos (-3)
Spotty cats love high places

Raiders at Chargers (-7)
Plugs turn out Vegas lights

Seahawks (-4.5) at Cardinals
Fake Seabirds swarm pretty red birds

Commanders at Cowboys (-3.5)
Cowboys master Commanders

Dolphins at 49ers (-12.5)
Prospectors fry fish

Sunday Prowl Time
Colts at Chiefs (-6.5)
Watch out Men of Czonka, 17-0 is still on the table

Don’t go popping that champagne just yet

Monday Prowl Time
Giants at Rams (-7)
Horny sheep gore G-men

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 1 NFL Picks 2026

Posted on September 11, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

Our long national nightmare is over! Football Cat has returned to brighten your humdrum lives and fill your coffers with money.

If you live under a rock and are unfamiliar with THE Football Cat™, our AI overlords have been kind enough to provide this brief bio:

Football Cat is a humorous NFL prediction feature on the Football Cat Category page of The 15 website.

Who is Football Cat?

Location: Lives in New Hampshire.

Hobby: Loves watching football.

Identity: Literally a cat.

What Does Football Cat Do?

Weekly Picks: Shares regular NFL game predictions throughout the football season.

Special Events: Publishes special columns for holidays and big events, like Thanksgiving games and the NFL playoffs.

Funny Commentary: Uses silly nicknames and jokes to describe teams and matchups.

Sunday Lunch Time
Bears (-2.5) at Panthers
Windy citizens blow past black cats

Buccaneers at Bengals (-3.5)
Stripey cats claw out a win over Corsairs

Ravens (-3.5) at Colts
Scary black birds coral Colts

Saints at Lions (-7)
Jungle kings knockout N’Awlins

Bills (-1.5) at Texans
Hairy cows stampede Texicans

Browns at Jaguars (-7.5)
Spotted cats flush the Browns

Jets at Titans (-1.5)
Assmen pancake Tits

Falcons at Steelers (-3)
Men of Steel can Tua ~~Fish~~ Birds

Sunday Dinner Time
Packers at Vikings (-1.5)
Cheesemen ooze over the Juicy Lucies

Commanders at Eagles (-4.5)
American birds bash Commies

Dolphins at Raiders (-3.5)
Miami is “Planning for Manning” (copyright)

Cardinals at Chargers (-10.5)
Bolts zap pretty red birds

Sunday Prowl Time
Cowboys (-2.5) at Giants
Pituitaries pop Pokes

Monday Prowl Time
Broncos at Chiefs (-2.5)
Indigenous people bust Broncos

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Sorry Sixteen Preview – March Sadness 2026

Posted on March 23, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

Welcome to Round 3 of March Sadness 2026, when the true pieces of shit separate themselves from the turds.

You can’t tell the players without a scorecard

If you were expecting a “Sour Sixteen” preview, then we have one word for you… SORRRRRREY! It’s now the “Sorry Sixteen” © ℠ ® ™ _{^{Patent Pending}}. And a very sorry preview it is…

Region C
1 Greg Bedard vs 5 Dan Shaughnessy
It took overtime for Shank to sneak into the ~~Sour~~ Sorry Sixteen by the skin of his McTeeth. Look for Bedard to kick his balls up around his head.

The sun will come out tomorrow, but only for one of these two

2 Fred Toucher vs 3 Adam Jones
Fred Toucher spent a lot of time last week defending himself against accusation of racism. You know who doesn’t spend a lot of time defending themselves against accusations of racism? Non-racists. He doth protest too much advances.

Region V
1 Jim Murray vs 12 Chris Curtis
Advancing to the Sour Sixteen may be the second most shocking thing Curtis has ever done, but Large Gymnasium wins the battle of the bald middle aged dimwitted overconfident flash boys.

Curtis, in happier times, with the most shocking thing he’s done.

2 Marc Bertrand vs 3 Andy Hart
The Far Side kid burns lil’ Andy with his magnifying glass

Region N
1 Gabrielle Starr vs 4 Kevin F Paul Dupont
The woman in sports snips KPD’s sports manhood

2 James Stewart vs 3 Michael Felger
Jimmy Stewart gives Felger the Lavanchy treatment.

Gentleman, hide your ladies… and your cats

Region T
1 Ted Johnson vs 5 Scott Zolak
We will finally get an answer to a question that has been confounding medical experts for decades: Which causes more long term cognitive issues, head trauma or substance abuse? We’ve got good news, you can keep doing drugs kids, CTEd snowplows Zo.

2 Chris Gasper vs 3 Albert Breer
Breer sends Kid Gas to the golden showers.

It’s outrageous, egregious, preposterous

Vote early and often!

March Sadness 2026 – Round 2 Preview

Posted on March 16, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

Round 1 had everything you could hope for in a media tournament… everyone had a reason to be upset about something. There were a few mild upsets, some close fought one-vote victories, our first ever shutout win, plus a voting scandal! A veritable charcuterie board of results. #yummy

What does Round 2 have in store? Let’s consult the Oracles and find out…

Region C
1 Greg Bedard vs 8 Mike Kadlick
The former champ is coming to reclaim his crown.

4 Matt McCarthy vs 5 Dan Shaughnessy
Shank may be irrelevant, but still not as irrelevant as one of the myriad of doofus interchangeable bearded call screeners polluting the airwaves.

3 Adam Jones vs 6 Jarred Carrabis
Adam Jones will get exponentially more votes than he has listeners, and take out Carrubish.

2 Fred Toucher vs 7 Nick “Fitzy” Stevens
The Detroit drunk takes the carpetbagger crown from the Greek New Yorker.

Old Jazz recordings, or sports radio? Choose wisely.

Region V
1 Jim Murray vs 8 Christian Arcand
Large Gymnasium mops the floor with Ahhhhhhhcand

4 Pete Abraham vs 12 Chris Curtis
What’s the opposite of easy on the eyes? The tortoise will nip the sentient garden gnome in the bud.

3 Andy Hart vs 6 Brian Scalabrine
In this neurologically divergent version of “David and Goliath”, Goliath knocks himself out while David drools in the corner.

2 Marc Bertrand vs 7 Mark Dondero
The Far Side kid rolls on to the Sour Sixteen

Region N
1 Gabrielle Starr vs 9 Jerry Thornton
A Rabbi’s daughter and an elderly born-again Catholic man walk into a bar, and each leaves with a greater respect for the other and a deeper understanding of the world.
Gabby wins this battle in the never-ending Holy War.

4 Kevin Paul Dupont vs 5 John Zannis
John’s Anus runs away with this one.

3 Michael Felger vs 6 Kenni Middleton
Unfortunately Kendra is away on yet another “business” trip. Felger waltzes on.

Excellent? Not so sure about that, Tone.

2 James Stewart vs 10 Andrew Callahan
It’s every caricature artist’s dream matchup. The Sports Hub’s Hunchback rings Wojak’s bell.

Region T
1 Ted Johnson vs 8 Trenni Casey
CTEd is going to beat Trenni so bad you’ll think she is his wife

4 Rich Keefe vs 5 Scott Zolak
Zo kicks Dick Teeth’s dick and teeth in.

3 Albert Breer vs 6 Rob Bradford
New TikTok lifehack: Using fresh urine to get wrinkles out of your t-shirts! Breer whizzes past Mushmouth.

2 Chris Gasper vs 7 Rob “Hardy” Poole
Eric Rueb supporters will know exactly how Buffalo Bills fans feel after Kid Gas prances past Poole. Oh what might have been!

Vote early and vote often!

March Sadness Round One – Day Two Preview

Posted on March 12, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

Welcome to Day 2 of March Sadness 2026! Things got off to a roaring start on Tuesday, with Jerry Thornton and Matt McCarthy ekeing out one vote victories. Jarad Carrabis and Mark Dondero also scored single digit victories in a hard-fought opening round. One other Day 1 highlight was Bert Breer recording the first ever shutout in tournament history, by jumping out to a 50-0 lead over Jeff Howe and triggering the Mercy Rule circuit breaker. Such an embarrassing showing would be enough to drive a man to drink!

Region C
8 Mike Kadlick vs Taylor Kyles 9
Kadlick kicks Kyles’ keister.

5 Dan Shaughnessy vs Kevin Millar 12
This looks like a fait accompli for the CHB, but don’t let Millar win today!

Nick “Fitzy” Stevens 7 vs Cerrone Battel 10
New York’s finest should roll over the Raleigh NC DPW worker in this Battle of Fake Bostonians.

Region V
Jim Murray 1 vs James “Scaz” Scaramozino WC
The 43 seconds it took to look up Scaz’s real name was a waste of time.

Brian Scalabrine 6 vs Drew Carter 11
The public finally gets to decide who is at more at fault for the diminished quality of the Celtics TV broadcasts! (It’s Scal)

Marc Bertrand 2 vs Brian Barrett 15
Bertrand swallows Barrett whole. A little shaking, a little tenderizing, and down he goes.

Region N
Kevin Paul “E” Dupont 4 vs Joe Haggerty 13
A blowout on paper, but expect Porkchop Joe to make this tighter than the top button on his shirt. However KPED will prevail.

Phil Perry 7 vs Andrew Callahan 10
The sentient Wojak cartoon upsets Curran’s boy toy.

Region T
Rob “Hardy” Poole 7 vs John Karalis 10
Hardy wins the battle of the balds.

Chris Gasper 2 vs Eric Rueb WC
Rueb can always cherish that memory of his wild card win.

Vote early and vote often!

Football Cat’s Super Bowl LX Pick

Posted on February 6, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

The Patriots are back in the Super Bowl for the 12th time in the past 41years. For all you non-math majors out there, that equates to 29.3% of the time. Not bad for a franchise that used to play in a Zayre’s parking lot back in the AFL days.

The Patriots have now been to 4 more Super Bowls than any other team, with an overall record of 6-5 heading into Sunday’s game. If they win, they will break a tie with the Steelers for the most wins in Super Bowl history. If they lose, they will break a tie with the Broncos for most losses in Super Bowl history. So win or lose they are guaranteed to make history. We here at Football Cat World Headquarters just hope everyone has fun!

Speaking of fun, here is a fun fact: Sam Darnold is 0-4 against the Patriots in his career, three losses with the Jets and one with the Panthers. He has thrown 1 touchdown and 9 interceptions, with a combined passer rating of 41.2. The Patriots are the monkey in Sam Darnold’s wrench.

Are YOU really going to lose to Sam Darnold?

And as we head into the long off season, remember Tom Brady may hate you but Football Cat loves you. See you in September.

Sunday Dinner Time
Seahawks (-4.5) at Patriots
Fake Seabids can’t exorcise these ghosts. Drake Maye IS!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Conference Picks 2026

Posted on January 23, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

Not only do we have an AFC Championship game to look forward to on Sunday, but we also have the storm of the century bearing down on our beloved six state region, yes even Rhode Island. How much snow will YOU get? Well, that depends on many factors: how close to the benchmark the storm is, where does any banding set up, what is the QPF and how much love you have in your heart.

And before you rush out to the stores to stock up on bread and milk, remember these wise words:
“Look, I’m not saying I could do it better than them. I’m just saying they’re wrong a lot. That’s a fact. They’re wrong a lot. We all make mistakes. I’m not being critical of them, I’m just saying I don’t think you can go based on that. My experience of going with the forecast in this area two days before the game, I mean I’d bet a lot that they’re wrong, just based on history because they’re almost always wrong. An hour before the game, maybe. You might have something to work with there. I think if you start game planning for what the weather is going to be and you game plan wrong, you’ve wasted a lot of time.” – Bill Belichick, October 31, 2014

Sunday Early Dinner Time
Patriots (-4.5) at Broncos
Patriots bust Broncos

Sunday Late Dinner Time
Rams at Seahawks (-2.5)
Horny Sheep spook Darnold

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round Picks

Posted on January 16, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

It’s been a fun week basking in the glory of the first Patriots playoff win since Super Bowl LIII, but now it’s time to focus on the next opponent, the Houston Texans. What better way to break it all down, than a Dan Shaughnessy style look at how each team’s respective home town matches up with the other.

Houston has the Johnson Space Center.
Foxborough has the Gillette Stadium Lighthouse.
Advantage: Patriots

The landlocked lighthouse is much more impressive

Well there you have it, bet your kid’s college tuition on the home team and thank us later

Saturday Dinner Time
Bills at Broncos (-1.5)
Buffalo sauces Nix

Saturday Prowl Time
49ers at Seahawks (-7)
Fake Seabirds rain on Purrrdy’s parade

Sunday Early Dinner Time
Texans at Patriots (-3)
As that great Patriot, Patrick Star once opined: “The stars at night are dull and dim whenever they have to be over dumb old stupid Texas! “

Sunday Late Dinner Time
Rams (-3.5) at Bears
Horny sheep bang da’ Bears

This is why all Bears fans support two teams

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Wild Card Picks 2026

Posted on January 9, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

Congratulations for surviving “Black Monday” and “Mixed Thursday”. If there’s one thing the sports media knows it’s that coaches losing their jobs is hilarious! Ha ha ha!

I don’t think we’re supposed to be talking about this

But while you’re convulsing in laughter please remember to offer thoughts and prayers to all the hardworking people affected by the imminent closing of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and the shuttering of Horse & Buggy Whip, LLC. They will be missed.

Saturday Dinner Time
Rams (-10.5) at Panthers
Black cats’ luck runs out against horny sheep

Saturday Prowl Time
Packers (-1.5) at Bears
Meat Men send Bears into hibernation

At least no one is getting ground up this time

Sunday Lunch Time
Bills at Jags (-1.5)
Guys, guys… don’t waste your money on an Esty witch. Hairy cows trample spotted cats.

The upside is more beach time for the spotty cats

Sunday Dinner Time
49ers at Eagles (-5.5)
American Birds pluck Purrrrdy’s prospectors

Sunday Prowl Time
Chargers at Patriots (-3.5)
The Patriots get their first playoff win since Super Bowl LIII

Monday Prowl Time
Texans (-3) at Steelers
Men of Steel give Houston too many problems

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

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