March Mediot Sadness – Region ‘V’ Preview: An Abundance of Suck
2023 March Sadness features an embarrassment of worthy candidates looking to take the lead in the never-ending race to the bottom. In a packed field, Region V is more loaded than Sean McDonough attempting to make Florian Hall a Drive-Thru. Here’s an armchair analysis of the best region of the worst candidates:
(1) Chris Gasper v. (16) Dakota Randall: Young Shank is elite effete in triplicate: A failure on TV, radio, and in print. The ultimate bad faith pundit with a schtick as predictable as Bonesy Jonezy’s. Dak Randall covers the Patriots for NESN, the Val-Pak of journalistic entities. This one is over before it starts. My vote: Kid Gaslight
(8) Rob Bradford v. (9) Brian Scalabrine: Bradford is Boring; the Diet Coke of Mediots. How does Bradford move the needle unless spittle from his mushmouth does? Scalabrine The Color Analyst makes one wonder why an announcer-specific mute button doesn’t exist. (There’s a thousand dollar idea!) At the end of the day, Scal or Mushmouth ends up being cannon fodder for Young Shank. This matchup is more irrelevant than WEEI. My vote: Scalabrine And A Mute App
(5) Adam Jones v. (12) Brian Barrett: On the surface, this one looks easy. Is it though? Discount Felger has less range than Marc Bertrand at shortstop (relax, Theo!) and his takes on Boston sports are more predictable than Gerry Callahan’s views on race and politics. Leaving ratings behemoth 985 The SportsKlan for WEEI with Meg0 and Arrrrrrrrcand demonstrate worse decision making than Drew Bozo. Bonezy’s show caters to those who don’t like sports and loathe themselves inside and out – I hope you know that. These individuals should be given a cookie – briefly pitied, then ignored. As (Not That) Bono once said: Thank God It’s Them Instead Of You.
Barrett’s ascent to the Boston gig at The Ringer is mind-blowing. He’s a failed WEEI weekend guy once behind Andy fucking Hart on the depth chart (poor, poor Dumbo) that Simmons pulled out of obscurity and into obscurity. Barrett’s a shoe-pissing, Excel using, self-important ninny that is the polar opposite of the self-loathing Jones: He genuinely believes he’s smarter than Bill Belichick, Joe Mazzulla, Don Sweeney, and Alex Cora. He’s not good at his own job, never mind theirs. Jones is pathetic shtick; he’s Kenny Banya – a terrible comic who once had a great lead-in. Barrett’s got a voice only a dog-whistle could love (not that dog whistle, Tony Mazz) with an inflated sense of his worth. Constantly using small sample size statistical “evidence” to shit on the teams he is supposedly pulling for is a particularly joyless approach to covering sports. A vote for Barrett is a vote by proxy for California Bill. Think on that. My vote: Stay Off The Pike – Barrett
(4) Marc Bertrand v. (13) Duke Castiglione: Like Michael Scott, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a “Can You Believe It?” Joe Castig joke. My vote: Bertrand
(6) Mike Giardi v. 11 Jermaine Wiggins: Giardi’s an under the radar sneaky blow-dried cvnt, a local mediot on a national outlet with less clout and influence than Albert Breer. Wiggins’ assualt on eardrums makes me wish Rod Rutledge had better hands. My vote: Giardi
(3) Charred Finn v. (14) John Karalis: Finn might be the most revolting of all candidates and a good value pick to win Mediot Madness. He’s a spineless, cucked apologist for the worst of Boston media – he’s not a critic. He waited over a week after Tony Massarotti’s racist joke to opine because – according to Charred – the interwebs haven’t yet reached mid-coast Maine. His 2 paragraph Mazz rebuke/foot massage/apology on a Saturday eight days later was Finn taking the journalistic fetal position.
John Karalis works for Greg Bedard and may be eligible for a seat next to Mel Torme. My vote: Charred Finn
(7) Jerry Thornton v. (10) Gary Washburn: Washburn is someone to keep an eye on: Joe Mazzulla’s open contempt for his shit-stirring, low IQ questions suggests much higher seeding in future tourneys. As for Thornton, what’s more rare: A Boston mediot/shoe-pisser who likes the team he writes about; a Barstool employee over the age of 50; or a person of color allowed on the Felger and Mazz show? Sorry, Jerry: despite campaigning for votes, I’m going for the lower downside. My vote: Washburn
(2) Jim Murray v. (15) John Zannis: With a bio like this, John Zannis may be seeded waaaay too low. And he put the Boston Sports Journal in his LinkedIn bio! HE PUT THE BOSTON SPORTS JOURNAL IN HIS BIO. If his LinkedIn avatar is any indication, he also makes fart noises with his mouth.
According to his LinkedIn page:
“Big Gym” Murray apologized for Tony Massarotti’s racist joke because Big Gym didn’t think it was racist enough. He wants the children of callers who disagree with him dead. While many claim they’re playing a role on the air – cosplaying a contrarian, trolling with a take, acting like an asshole for the click or a listen – Big Jim isn’t playing a role. He’s an irredeemable piece of garbage who wants others to be miserable as he is. Murray is the worst person on a show with the worst people in Boston media. He deserves your vote and a deep tourney run.
Murray wants to be Felger for the notoriety. Murray wants to be Massarotti for the paycheck. Murray wants to be Catfucker Jimmy Stewart for the hairline and the pussy. Murray doesn’t need to be disgraced and humiliated by “winning” Mediot Madness. Being Jim Murray already accomplished that. My vote: Murray
And that’s just one guy’s opinion.