The 15

Please consider donating to the ‘Help for Hallie Kyed’ gofundme, it’s for Doug Kyed’s young daughter. Doug, as you know, respects most of what we do. https://gofund.me/1a3dd30a

Mazzulla treating Shaughnessy like a tomato can. You love to see it.

The Angels committing two catcher interferences is just further proof the Red Sox should not be interested in Shohei Ohtani.

Are there a lot of daytime NHL Playoff games this year?

Quin Snyder looks like they just pulled him from a halfway house.

You got respect Wiggs for not selling out for a cushy ‘W’ town coaching gig with elitist brats and their entitled parental asshats. Rather, he’s going to a gritty Brockton program. Absolute respect.

Sox in 2 is going to have to pad things out for that one game!

ESPN2 does a Manning brothers thing where Stephen A Smith talks throughout an entire NBA game. Who is this for?

I know somebody’s either white trash or a trust fund kid when I have to ask, “Which stepfather was that?”

How do I set my TV audio to play at 1.25 speed so that Jack Edwards sounds normal again?

Cakes are cooking for Frank Viola, AL Unser Jr., ‘Suge’ Knight, Ashley Judd, Jeff Wilkins, Jussi Jääskeläinen, James Franco, Kate Hudson, Hayde Christensen, Joe Mauer, Candace Parker, Maria Sharapova, and Loren Gray.

On the topic of rhubarb, seeing rhubarb pie in the fruit pie section is one of my irrational pet peeves.

Fun Fact: Boston Marathon winners Joseph Chebet and Evans Chebet are both from Kenya, but are unrelated!

Worcester Line Train 513 (10:50 am from South Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Natick Center and Worcester.

I had no idea Bill Parcells was such an integral part of the Patriots dynasty. Eagerly awaiting Pete Carroll’s name on the ballot next year.

It took only 12 games into the season for a Red Sox pitcher to openly weep on the mound.

Hey, why is Dale Arnold still on my TV?

Turtleboy’s jacking off all over the internet and yet is worried about his kids seeing drag queens.

Two questions: Does Wiggy’s new job in the Brockton school system mean he can give up his side hustle as a Manny Ramirez impersonator and will he have to teach an English course in addition to coaching?

Just fangirled Catherine Keener at MSG.

Hey gang of consciousness expanders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Grab me that porcupine and a watermelon. I’m about to make you hear colors.”

You paid $30 for a plane ticket. That’s on YOU.

The Eagles and Jalen Hurts agreed to terms on a 5-year, $255M contract extension that makes him the highest-paid player in NFL history, sources tell me and Tom Pelissero.

By the rude bridge that arched the flood,

   Their flag to April’s breeze unfurled,

Here once the embattled farmers stood

   And fired the shot heard round the world.

The foe long since in silence slept;

   Alike the conqueror silent sleeps;

And Time the ruined bridge has swept

   Down the dark stream which seaward creeps.

On this green bank, by this soft stream,

   We set today a votive stone;

That memory may their deed redeem,

   When, like our sires, our sons are gone.

Spirit, that made those heroes dare

   To die, and leave their children free,

Bid Time and Nature gently spare

   The shaft we raise to them and thee.

While I’m quite sure I could drop baked goods in a bag quite effectively while shitfaced, I’m not sure I’d advertise my plan to do so on social media.

Eggs, black coffee, sunshine. All we need.

Happy 100th birthday, Yankee Stadium; The Ship that Theseus Built.

Nobody watches more SNL than Gerry Callahan.

The New York Post is great at updating you on people who you never would’ve thought of again.

Honk if you remember Greg Meyer.

I wonder if any of you who play in Table Top baseball leagues have noticed this: that players who don’t figure their stats wind up hating on their best hitter. They expect their M Trout to hit .400 with a 2B in every key situation. When he doesn’t, he’s a bum. Responses welcome.

Once a Ranger, Always a Ranger.

Rupert Murdoch’s last wife was Jerry Hall? Imagine her being that old and still finding a guy richer than Mick Jagger?

The Bucks will be fine. They have a spare Antetokounmpo.

Atlanta doesn’t get to host the 2024 DNC, but does get to have the Celtics visit for the next two playoff games.

Verdugo with the two F bombs in his interview. Looks like NESN will be moving to Sirius.

Enablers!

Best bet for the weekend: Road wins for the local teams.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Ralph Waldo Emerson, BSMW poster Hacksaw, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. To be in England in the summertime (Hey) With my love (Hey) Close to the edge (Yeah)

Dale. Everett. Arnold. Three. First. Names. Enjoy retirement.

It’s Sale Day! He’ll get the Rays to allow a loss for the first time this season!

Say, was that the first news Ben Allbright has ever broken?

Jerry Thornton interacting with Super 70s Sports is the comedy version of the two Spider-Man pointing meme.

Easter is an underrated food holiday, IMO.

This Dalai Lama news is not the start to the week anyone needed. What a weird world we are living in.

Jon Rahm? That’s your name? What’s your real name? Before you changed it? Anyway, good job winning The Masters.

If Jim Nantz is my friend, why has he never helped me move?

Well, I for one completely believe the Jaylen Brown broken vase cover story.

Cakes are cooking for Herbie Hancock, David Letterman, Tom Werner, Ron MacLean, Nick Hexum, Roman Hamrlik, Claire Danes, Brian Vandborg, Brooklyn Decker, and Georgia Hall.

Why does anyone care who sponsors a product? Unless it’s David Ortiz sponsoring everything because he’s flat broke.

Felger has fooled more losers into thinking he’s an alpha male than Nick Adams

In the US: We spell certain words different than the rest of the world does. – We REFUSE to utilize the Metric System. – We call football “soccer”. – We call them chicken sandwiches but everyone else calls them “chicken burgers”.

Once the Boston media united behind the “Brogdon never starts games, which means he’s better” narrative, it was over. The Boston Sports Media machine is too powerful, too disciplined. Always has been.

Astonishingly brave of Kirk to defenestrate Gerry now that he is of no further use to him.

I thought Tibetan yak cheese (chhurpi) might be similar to Icelandic hardfiskur, which I really enjoy. It’s a very mild-flavored, extremely hard cheese you allow to soften in your mouth for one to two hours. You can’t chew it, as you can hardfiskur, as it’s far too hard.

Who does the Lama think he is; Tom Brady?

Trade: The Falcons are acquiring Lions CB Jeff Okudah, his agent Kevin Conner confirmed. Conner articulated that the GMs of the two teams involved – Detroit’s Brad Holmes and Atlanta’s Terry Fontenot – made it a seamless, collaborative process. The negotiations were described as amicable and productive throughout, as this deal represents a win-win for both sides. A fresh start for Okudah in Atlanta.

Volin was a most deserving Tournament winner.

The city of Boston is silly fancy and expensive. Not sure how all the sportswriters afford this place.

Masculine horses!

Very excited for Steve Buckley to parade around the corpse of Donnie Beardsley for the next two months.

Kutter Crawford is the new Rac Slider.

The guy who took a high interest loan to buy a Matchbox Car-sized truck is definitely pragmatic.

Blackburn gets his clothes at Build-A-Bear.

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses continue to replace Train service between Wonderland & Revere Beach. Buses at Revere Beach will pick up/drop off on Beach St. Buses at Wonderland will pick up/drop off at the Wonderland Busway.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

That Jasmine Carson is like shorter, skinnier black female Conner Henry! So really nothing like Conner Henry, I guess.

Hey gang of Chris Pratt fans! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Go get some bitches in your life.”

I think it’s safe to say Tiger is all done as a contender. I was just reading he said he’s been in constant pain. That car accident really did him in unfortunately.

Under blue moon I saw you.
So soon you’ll take me
up in your arms, too late to beg you
or cancel it, though I know it must be

The killing time;
Unwillingly mine.

Fate.
Up against your will.
Through the thick and thin
he will wait until
you give yourself to him.

Weird that Upton Bell isn’t a fan of that popular HBO show about a powerful father and his spoiled, worthless adult children.

Alert: Mars Wrigley now makes caramel cold brew m&ms and my life has changed for the better,

Honk if you remember land speed record holder Craig Breedlove.

Quinnipiac. Nice job winning the Frozen Four. That part of Connecticut is once again part of New England.

I spit on your zither!

Get well soon whichever Morning Zookeeper lost his voice and has to step away from the show.

I’m wearing shorts over the next few days. And you can’t stop me.

Find the word that is not like the other three: A. Flag, B. Banner, C. Pennant, D. Statistic.

I’ve never actually seen a muffin tumble, have you?

DJ Bean’s ample amount of free time could have been put to better use than songwriting.

if you liked Succession you’ll love l’énigme de l’éternité.

Best bet for the weekend: your pick of the four USFL games. It’s Back.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, BSMW poster Big Fat O, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Boom boom, out go the lights.

So that one basketball lady did the ‘you can’t see me’ gesture, the other one pretended she didn’t see her; I don’t know what the problem was.

Alex Verdugo is the first Red Sox player to lead off the first inning of the team’s first game with a triple since Rabbit Warstler in 1931.

The reaction to Florio’s Patriots “news” makes me think normal sports fans are merely wildly outnumbered in this region, as opposed to being hopelessly outnumbered.

Four years of J-school and five years on the beat to tweet out “DM your toppings.”

The former The Fours to become Scores?

Khari becomes the third March Sadness contestant in as many weeks to be made redundant.

Cakes are cooking for Diamond Dallas Page, Cris Carpenter, Paula Cole, Rochelle Walensky, Krista Allen, Tim Coronel, Tom Coronel, Tony Banks, Ross Gload, and Lily James.

Asante Samuel must love getting reminders of the worst moment of his career every few months I guess.

I use to have a real hard time sleeping myself melatonin was a life changer.

Please board Fitchburg Line Train 415 (12:30 pm from North Station) on the inbound platform (Track 2) at Waltham and Brandeis/Roberts today.

Nothing more satisfying than gripping shaft??? Yeah that’s totally an alpha male sort of line.

Don’t you think that when you have a mock draft, you should be required to make fun of everybody as you draft them?

Jim Nantz didn’t die, you weirdos.

The most recent school shooter being trans instead of a MAGA type is like Gerry Callahan’s Christmas morning.

Speaking of Christmas, props to Shalise Manza Young for her grudging edit of her Yahoo Sports piece exculpating Kirk from Gerry’s coded racism.

Some news from Klutch Sports: Agent Nicole Lynn has been promoted to President of the agency’s Football Division.

Fun fact. They returned those towels to Macy’s after the photo shoot.

Do not Google image search ‘gorilla ahole’.

The home run light show is quite frankly beneath the dignity of our lyric little bandbox of a ballpark.

Hey gang of race hustlers as a side hustle, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So you go have a picnic with your friend.”

There’s a 1 in 555 chance to catch a foul ball.

You up your units if you want to be my pretend online clamdicapper, toots.

Also, it’s hilarious that WEEI fired the gay dude and then the black dude. But Chris fucking Curtis is the indispensable man, though.

These media losers built their audiences off of the Patriots’ success. Gravy train’s slowing down, fuckos. Better make sure those résumés are up to date.

I dial it in and tune the station.
They talk about the U.S. inflation.
I understand just a little.
No comprende, it’s a riddle.

I’m on a Mexican radio,
I’m on a Mexican radio.

Speaking of Southern New Hampshire, I recently realized Ryan Day is married to Stan Spirou’s daughter.

‘Cloaca’ is always good for a laugh.

Yes Ma, I’ll look for the hams at the Market Basket. Yes, I know, the gold foil ones, not the red.

Pussy willows!

Honk if you remember Panamanian baseball infielder Rennie Stennett, one of 3 players to collect 7 hits in a MLB game.

I bet that Kim Mulkey goes through a carton of Misty’s a day.

Oh no. Don’t throw me into the briar patch.

Willis Reed hasn’t pulled a Pat Burns yet? If anyone was going to, it would have been him.

Camden Yards has good corn dogs.

Nature Fact: If you look closely at the tropical plants in the big box home improvement stores you will sometimes see an anole that hitched a ride.

So Pesach is the same as Passover? Good to know.

Will the April Fools Miracle be the high point of the Red Sox season?

You leave that big white goon alone.

Best bet for the weekend; a LIV guy not winning The Masters.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Hacksaw, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Sooner or later, your legs give way, you hit the ground.