06/01/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Your ride is ready, Jaylen. Set the controls for the heart of the sun.

Maybe the real Eastern Conference Championship is the friends we made along the way.

Red Sox seem destined to be the best last place team in the league.

Why does everyone want Brown traded to the Suns? How’s that? Shot into the sun? Oh. That’s different.

Well, the Revs make a good Plan E, I guess.

You know someone’s made a poor vocational choice when they thank Evan Lazar and Alex Barth on their way out.

Josef Newgarden wins the 2023 Indianapolis 500. He’s definitely Penske material.

I haven’t had Popeye’s since 2016…The Popeye’s no longer being there in Kenmore Square makes this easier (I’m aware there’s one on Northeastern’s campus but no one counts that one anyways)

Cakes are cooking for Brian Cox, Martin Brundle, Sherri Howard, Larry Centers, Derek Lowe, Alanis Morissette, Brandi Carlile, Carlota Ciganda, and Zazie Beetz.

If only there was something a gal could do to not be thought of as a shameless grifter looking for the next free ride.

Can we get another Fred Toucher update? This is the first time I’ve ever found him interesting.

No duckboats for the C’s & B’s. Swan boats are still available.

Celtics series showed us that some injuries you just can’t overcome. Well, maybe Herro will be healthy if they meet again next season in the ‘yoffs.

Impossibly needy Bob Kraft getting his picture taken arm in arm with convicted rapist Mike Tyson means we get ‘Rock & Roll Part 2’ back as a touchdown song at Gillette, right?

Glad to see Carles Gil is back and as good as ever. Way to salvage a draw in Atlanta.

Hey gang of sabermetricians! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I like Grape Nuts, but they don’t fill up three shelves in the breakfast food section.”

Let’s don’t get too excited about non-padded practices, bobos.

Keep up your spirit. Keep up your faith, baby
I am counting on you
You know what you’ve got to do.

Fight the good fight every moment
Every minute every day
Fight the good fight every moment
It’s your only way.

I believe that Stephen Root is one of the best, most underrated actors working. And when you look at his amazing career, it makes me wonder what Phil Hartman would have done.

Name a better tennis video game than “Racket Attack” for the NES…

No, “Dan Lifshatz’s Volley Challenge” is not better.

The idea that the Adirondack chair is the height of comfort and relaxation is the biggest fraud foisted on the public since they told us Astroturf was safer than grass.

I still think of the Miami Heat as an expansion team.

Blue Line: delays of about 15 minutes due to a train with a mechanical problem near Airport. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

All I really want to know about Chat GPT is when it will be ready to replace John Smoltz.

Bad luck for Tina Turner that Jim Brown predeceased her. RIP, Queen.

David Simon is super online. For him to not know Three Year Letterman is a schtick is crazy.

News Item: Shannon Sharpe leaving ‘Undisputed’ after end of NBA Playoffs. Does he plan to run in the Belmont?

Former All-Pro punter Brett Kern, who played 13 seasons for the Titans has announced his retirement.

Do guidance counselors funnel people with psychotic levels of self-confidence but no aptitude for medicine into sportswriting?

You’d think someone who can split atoms with their mind could also learn how to dribble.

Must feel odd for Turtleboy Aiden to only have to go to court four days this week owing to the holiday.

Big Papi could have sent Identical Best Friend Sixto to Game 7. Boston would have played along.

The greatest show ever is grainy “Unsolved Mysteries” clips that I watch on YouTube.

I bought a scratch-off ticket, but then I accidentally spilled some cortizone cream on it, so it did not need to be scratched.

Honk if remember Tom Brady saying he was going to stay retired the first time.

Your readers knew those three consecutive ‘jeepers, wouldn’t it be neat if the Celtics came back from 3 down just like the Red Sox?’ columns were insincere concern trolling, Dan.

I don’t have any time to be sad. I have two deadlines plus a book proposal to write. As always it’s go Celtics.

You think Tina bequeathed Dolly all her wigs? I hope so.

Maybe it’s time Hollywood gave Jeremy Joe Kronsberg a non-orangutan movie to direct?

Beside the Cy Young Award, there should be a Bob Gibson Award for a pitcher who is not only great, but also just competitive as Holy Hell. Who embodies that spirit today? I’m thinking Max Scherzer, maybe?

I thought Fredgy would OD this year but maybe Milo will kill him in self-defense. Shrug.

Best bet for the weekend: The Las Vegas Golden Knights matriculating their way to winning a Stanley Cup for Coach Cassidy, because we can’t have nice things.

Wonder what the problem is?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, cell phone pictures of computer monitors, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Look to the clock on the wall. Hands hardly moving at all. I can’t stand the state that I’m in. Sometimes it feels like the walls closing in.

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag, Heidi Klum, who turns 50. Imagine!

An Interview with a Plover

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Powder Point Bridge.

(Duxbury, MA)

Area perpetual child felt his life wasn’t quite good enough and took to Twitter to complain.:

Enjoy your ratio, loser.

The15net dot com wanted to know what the reaction was from the local plover community to Mr. Breer’s tweet. Fortunately, one of our interns is in a pre-veterinary program with an emphasis on exotic animals and was happy to visit the coast and conduct and interview with the aggrieved avian:

The15: Good afternoon, what should I call you; your banding number?

Good afternoon to you. No need for such formality, you can call me Ed.

The15: Your name is Ed Plover?

Is that a problem?

The15: No. So then Ed; what was your reaction to this inflammatory tweet?

First off, I resent being compared to rats. They are one of our natural predators. And everyone knows that pigeons are the real flying rats, although a case can be made to extend that slur to herring gulls. If anything, we are like chipmunks, tiny, cryptically colored, and adorable. Secondly: how on earth can a tiny sparrow-sized shorebird be menacing? All we do is patrol the shoreline, foraging for crustaceans, insects, and marine worms to eat. Haven’t you seen us running comically back and forth avoiding the waves? Hours of entertainment! We get menaced by crows, racoons, foxes, and wild and domestic cats! And big, stupid humans like Breer. Furthermore, how can someone who get this, was arrested and charged with the actual crime of ‘Menacing‘, have the complete lack of self-introspection to then call me, a little piping plover, a menace? Talk about irony deficiency!

In the 20+ years since this mugshot, Bert has lost the freshman fifteen and learned nothing.

The15 – It does boggle the mind.

And as for when he was lugged for “answering an urgent call of nature”; he’s not a bird, he doesn’t have a cloaca, as far as I know. He’s a higher form of animal life, allegedly, and yet he was caught whipping his thingie out and whizzing all over Chittendon Avenue like a pigeon messing on a statue! The important thing to remember about him is that he’s a spoiled little rich boy. A literal heir to the Redenbacher popcorn fortune! Why I hear tell Bert’s great grandfather was at Fenway on a popcorn sales call for Jackie Robinson’s infamous workout and uttered some variation of “get that plover off the dune.” And he used his daddy’s money to fight that public indecency charge all the way to the Ohio Supreme Court. Compared himself to a disabled veteran too. Can you believe this guy? “Oh Noes! I can’t drive right onto the beach!” He hasn’t been this disappointed since he didn’t get accepted to Michigan! He hasn’t been this sad since Jack Tatum croaked! You wanna know what really ruins a summer? Getting squished under two tons of conspicuous consumerism. Does he get off of seeing marine life killed? There was that ghastly picture of that poor dead sea turtle he posted that one time, remember that? I don’t get it; a Kraut like him should have a natural disinclination to seeing big American vehicles driving up onto beaches.

I believe his family is Austrian, not German.

Well, schnitzel, spaetzle; all the same to me. Surprised he didn’t try a panzerfaust attack on the Patriots duckboats during their parades. The only thing this Boys From Brazil Hitler clone-looking nullity has ever earned are arrests and suspensions. Hey, I got one for you: what’s the difference between a seagull and Bert Breer?

The Boys From Brazil – 1978 – 20th Century Fox

The15 – I don’t know.

A seagull can get into Gillette Stadium! Ha ha! It’s funny because Breer is banned from there. He got suspended at the NFL Network, and somehow gets the MMQB job at Sports Illustrated, although people still think Peter King is still there. Bert’s really hasnt put his mark on the place. Unlike a fence in C-Bus! And yet he keeps failing upward! I mean, it’s like the saying, ‘He found a fried clam and now he thinks he’s Chubby Woodman.’

The15- That’s a saying?

It is among the shorebird community. And just a reminder to you bipeds, we descended from dinosaurs. We have lived on the coastal dunes for centuries; you are the arrivistes. And some of you people could use the extra few steps getting from a parking lot to a beach. Blubbery like a harbor seal. Just sayin’. Live and let live. We just want to scrape out a nest, brood our young, and then maybe migrate to the Bahamas for the winter. I don’t quite know why we’re here, I guess Duxbury worms just hit different. But you don’t see us trying to take over Bertie’s natural habitat, his couch during football season, do you? As you know, we’re endangered. (WA: Threatened in MA) In fact, the only thing rarer than a plover’s nest is an Albert Breer scoop!

The15- Food for thought. Any last words?

I think he just might hate us because we plovers have a longer mating season than Mrs. Breer. Heyoooo!

Emily Olivia Anderson is an intern for The15net dot com. Edward Moore Plover resides on the dunes in Duxbury.

From The 15 Vault – the 2019 WEEI-Themed Memorial Day Mixtape Playlist

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(Originally published May 27, 2019 )

(Dear BJBSJ Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is a musical playlist for your Memorial Day enjoyment. Click HERE to download. The theme this year is potential WEEI format changes, and the different music they would then play. It’s funny because it is true! So, without any further ado, and no listening out of order);

Disc One: Country 93.7

1. Boston – Kenny Chesney

2. I’m Alright – Jo Dee Messina

3. Chicken Fried – Zac Brown Band

4. I Hope You DIAF – Lee Ann Crespo-Womack

5. Drinking Double Shots of Crown While Sittin On the Beach: How The Hell Is That A Country Song? – Joe Bob the Great

6. Save A Host (Ride A Flashboy) – Big O and Rich

7. A Boy Named Lou – Johnny Venmo

8. The Ballad of Postmaster Gerry – FlashSGT Barry Sadler

9. The Dale Went Down To Middays – Charles. Edward. Daniels.

10. Lonely ol’ Overnight (10-2 shift) – Ron Muskmelon Catamount

11. Before He Cheats (Again) – Sara Underwood

12. I’m Tellin’ You How To Fan -Sam “Ol’ Foot Locker” McBanjodick

13. Oh Atlanta – Eddie Money with Jaromir Jagr

14. One Hour DVR Extension – Jocko Fergus & the Coonhounds

15. The Wreck of the Joey Zarbano – Gordon Lightfoot

16. I Got Ratings In Low Places – Amalgam of Suck

17. Count The Numbers (Providence) – Sheetmetal Badgers

18. Elmira – Dick Teefe and the Downward Failers

19. Havelicek Myself Back Into Rehab – Bombay John and the Spring Water Slurrerers

20. Most Messed Up – The Old 93.7’s

BONUS TRACKS

Jesus Take the Wheel (Mut’s leaving the Horse track) – Carrie Underwood

Boys of the Fall(ing Ratings) – Kenny Chesney

And here is Disk 2, WEEI – Boston’s New Alternative:

1. Who You Drivin’ Now? – Muthoney

2. I Believe Nothing – Alex In Chains

3. All Star – Mush Mouth

4. Runaway Train – McLean Asylum

5. Hey There Pedroia – The Pricey White Tees

6. Sweet, Sweet, Sweetness – Beetle Eat World

7. Periscope Killed the Radio Star -The Circle Kirks

8. Frank From Gloucestah – Sheet Cake

9. I’m The Nicest Person I Know – Jenny and the Krylonettes

10. don’t tell me how to fan! – lc mafia

11. Danny California – The Red Headed Chili Bastards

12. In Bill We Trust (I Guess) – Hugh Patrick Sfanbut & The Toxic Objectivity Orchestra

13. Literally Sobbing – Gabs and the Starfish

14. Interstate 95 Love Song – Futility Lou

15. Shaw’s Super Bon Bon -Soul Hiccuping

16. AIDS Beer Pose – Salkgarden (Lawnmowerfinger: Live version)

17. Dancing on the Dunes – The Gamere Fens Nesters

18. Speculate/Hyperventilate – Fictional Friction

19. Visualization Of The Space Mind Gargamel XI: Winning The Offseason – Dero Spedes

20. Low Ratings Panic Attack – Radiodotcomhead

BONUS TRACK

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town (is the Only One Who Still Like Joe Castig) – Pearl Jam

*Suggestions as to songs we missed are welcome in the comments.

A trans-WordPress cooperative collaboration with BSMW.net, who had it first before we had it first.

2023 MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND MIXTAPE PLAYLIST

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(Dear The15net dot com Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is the now-traditional musical playlist for your Memorial Day enjoyment. Click HERE to download.)

I Hate All My Favorite Teams – Steve the Yodelin’ Cowboy

Low Stake It Off (Taylor’s Version)

MMMKay – The Claire Glipnik Experience

Rite of Spring – The Dead Pixels

Slump – The President’s Trophy of the United States of America

Get on the Bus (to Dunkin) – Warden’s Child

Fruith! – Tragic Vouch

You Might, I May, But Ime Will – Oona & Yma

Obvious Manchild – Might Be Jake

58 Tweets – Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band

I Didn’t Mean Mina – Nipsey Hussle

Enola (not) Gay (or anything for) – Orchestral Weathermen on the Weekend

I Will Rap Battle No More Forever – Squidshell Sal

Be My Baby – The Erinettes

Visualization Of The Space Mind Gargamel XXI: Farrago of Whataboutisms – Dero Spedes

Gabby’s Crying – Van Herald

Very Little Lies – Fleetwood MacNulty

Ok, Loser – Beck

A President’s Cup (Doesn’t Help When You Step On Your Dick) – The Nutrockers

Failson/Bellson – 919

A Whiter Shade of Deuce – Modern Hobbits

Drive My Car (But Buy Gap Insurance) – The Atamians

Light Him Up – War Den

Patriotic Summer S.O.N.G. – Ron Muskmelon Catamount

Nice Lady – Janelle Tittae

Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright if You’re Gay – Bet Dylan

Don’t take away my OTA’s – Billy and the Judge

Mama Said I’m Checking Out – LL Cool Jeeks

Tattoo Removal Machine – The Cult

Who Are You With?! – Screaming at Trees

Two Tickets to Sell – Stevie Money

Play Those Funky White Boys, Joey – Wild Sally

Pete Wants a Pity Like – Midnight Oil

With a Little Help From My Friends – The Local Collaborative

Work for the Working Man – Bon JoeGill

Where Did I Say I Was Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay…??? – Oafis Redding

Use More Parentheses (They Can!) – Britni’s Dick

We Are Family – Josh and the Radiomen

Gotta Go (Chat Acting AIDSy) – Fictional Friction

Ubering Up From Boston – Dropkick Murphy

80-90 or 6 to 4 – Jake in Chicago

(Have a song suggestion? Or a compliment? Leave it in the comments!)

05/24/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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This guy knows. Just keep your chances alive by fouling off pitch after pitch into the stands past the visitor’s dugout.

See? Just win one game 4 times. All fix.

Coach Cassidy has his Las Vegas Golden Knights playing with the intensity of, well, the regular season Bruins.

A prior tweet said Chad Ryland replaced Cajuste. The sort in my column was incorrect.

The billboard? Great idea. No possible downside.

Fun Fact: Adrian Wojnarowski and Ime Udoka have the same agent.

Let’s see about plating some runs in the near future, Red Sox.

So there. For the 92nd time since 1918, there will be no Triple Crown winner.

Be more obvious Jaylen is one of your locker room sources, Gary Washburn.

Cakes are cooking for Bobby Zimmerman, Joe Dumars, Pat Verbeek, Ricky Craven, Troy Barnett, Will Sasso, Katie King-Crowley, Brad Penny, G-Eazy, and Joey Logano.

Brooks Koepka may have won the PGA Championship, but Michael Block won the crowd.

A squirrel! At a baseball game! Unbelievable!!

Viv Trimble died? I didn’t even know she was sick. Rest in peace.

Worcester Line Train 512 (10:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes late between Wellesley Farms and South Station.

I hope Glen Kuiper has learned his lesson. Never attempt to express enthusiasm about anything.

OTAs? LFG!

When you idly wonder whether you can use “crapulence” in a story, go to Google, and discover Alex Speier has dropped it twice in the last three years.

Have the Miami Heat quit on their coach? That’s the effort late in a close out game at home? Smdh.

Not that anybody cares, but one of the most underrated players of all time was teammate Willie Randolph. Willie has a hell of a lot better Hall of Fame case than Munson does.

After roughly three months of not being able to throw, Brock Purdy can begin throwing next week…

Imagine white knighting for liver thief Bill Speros.

Greg Bedard will face unemployment before any NFL special teams coaches do. Loser.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I always knew that big-sideburned renegade was a bad influence!”

The 3 greatest voice actors for modern era animated shows are Cree Summer, E.G. Daily & Tara Strong… 3 of the most crushed on actresses of the modern era are Cree Summer, E.G. Daily & Tara Strong…

All that ridiculous free throw disparity and the NBA still couldn’t drag Los Angeles into the Finals.

LIV Golf drawing WEEI like ratings? Sad.

It’s amazing that Dan Lifshatz is able to have all this action when he’s been shut off by every book. Unless…

Red Route One you arrogant ass! You killed us!

Honk if you remember the 1951 NY Knicks forcing a game 7 against the Rochester Royals.

So what other movies was Dart Adams not in? Let us know in the comments.

Johnny’s in the basement mixin’ up the medicine
I’m on the pavement, thinkin’ about the government
The man in the trench coat, badge out, laid off
Says he’s got a bad cough, wants to get it paid off.

Nice work responding to the St. John’s Prep false alarm, Officer Bumbles.

NFL pretending it cares about player safety.

FYI if you own a G-Wagon and parked it outside Mike’s Pastry in the North End, it just got towed away for street cleaning.

A. Matt McCarthy

Think you can outsmart the Low Stakes Unit more. You can’t!

Does ‘Bronny’ (Sideshow Bob groan) even want to play on the same team as his dad?

Maybe Jaylen can take another whack at Springfield by debuting a fresh pair of ‘Was Dr. Suess Racist?’ sneakers for game 5.

Great gesture by Jeff Howe to raise money to help people who actually do have cancer.

Looking forward to posting to the Sons of Tristan Casas message board in 2043.

Best bet for the weekend: the NE Revolution righting the ship in their match against the visiting Chicago Fire.

Mark Grant and Don Orsillo! So wacky! Red Sox fans still miss him so much!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. With my naked eye I saw all the falling rain coming down on me. With my naked eye I saw all if I said it all I could see.

And happy birthday to gold medal-winning Australian swimmer Emma McKeon.

05/17/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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No, Jayson is not signallng he plans on scoring zero point zero points in game one against Miami.

is 51 points in a game seven good?

Where have you gone, Coach Bruce Cassidy? A lonely local media turns its eyes to you. Wooh, wooh, wooh.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Ryan Brasier.

Clearly a member of the LottaCulchahPretzelTown Podcast crew wanted to record ‘right after the game.’

Nikola Jokić. Good fundamentals. Gritty. Plays the game the right way.

Kevin Paul Dupont just wanted someone else to run with his specious McAvoy, Ullmark & DeBrusk trade for Connor Bedard article so he can then go on the radio and get some gift cards.

The NFL officially blew it by not scheduling one of the Steelers/Ravens Dark Place games for Black Friday.

Doc is here? Doc is not here. Doc has been granted his walking papers,

Which column gets recycled more, Buckley’s Donnie Beardsley one or Ger Callahan’s Thanksgiving one?

Cakes are cooking for Norv Turner, Jim Nantz, Enya, Jon Koncak, Trent Reznor, Dave Abbruzzese, Paige Turco, Jordan Knight, Gina Raimondo, Sasha Alexander, Tony Parker, and Matt Ryan.

After a Rivalry Week loss, Revs look to take things out on Philadephia Union.

MLB saw no evidence of cheating by the NY Yankees. MLB’s HQ is at 1271 Avenue of the Americas. Also in New York City. Amazing but true!

Hey, gang of helpers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those old CONSONANTS were confusing!”

They should make mini duckboats. Duckling boats.

Once I placed an order at a local pizza place in Natick, or so I thought. They didn’t have it, the Framingham location had it. I went to Framingham and ate my pizza. Both stores are now closed. The Natick store is still empty, Framingham store is now a dispensary.

Rui Hachimura does not warrant being capitalized.

AIR was highly entertaining with some good laughs. The performances and script keep it humming along. And Viola Davis practically steals the movie with her sublimely subdued work. Definitely recommend. I would even go so far as to pay for it on Apple+ when it is free on Amazon!

Fitchburg Line Train 414 (11:25 am from Wachusett) is operating 10-20 minutes behind schedule between South Acton and North Station due to necessary track work.

Dugie’s doo rag reads “Dugie”.

I think the fella wearing the guyliner and the loud shirts wants attention!

Anybody else old enough to remember when major league teams would play a mid-season exhibition game against their AAA affiliate?

Ducking UConn baseball, URI? Sad!

Don’t be sad, Philadelphia; you’ll always have that illegal formation touchdown during the catch rule change beta test Super Bowl. And a statue!

Not being in “Celtic Pride” ended up being a blessing because that movie was Godawful.

Oh yeah, can you see them
Out on the porch
Yeah but they don’t wave
I see them
‘Round the front way, yeah
And I know and I know I don’t want to stay
Make me cry

I see
I don’t know, there’s something else
I wanna drum it all away
Oh, I said I don’t, I don’t know whether I’m the boxer or the bag.

Every player associated with that 2007-08 Celtics team should get residual payments out of every check Rivers earned as a head coach.

Say, did Janelle Monae change her hairstyle or something?

Honk if you remember Lew Tendler.

Chris Paul has won everywhere he’s been except Phoenix and Oklahoma City and Houston and Los Angeles and New Orleans and Wake Forest.

I ain’t calling a grown man ‘Scoot.’

Is Canda bussin?

Okay, fine. Return the Kraken to wherever you found it.

Selfish Tatum couldn’t get five more assists for the triple-double, caller.

Imagine being fifty years old.

WembanyanaMania!

Marcel Marceau? Shields and Yarnell? Very mimey.

Best bet for the weekend: incredible stagecraft and showmanship X3 down to Gillette Stadium from Taylor. Alison. Swift.

Same energy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Bow down before the one you serve. You’re going to get what you deserve.

BdlG. Arranging flowers, or something.

05/10/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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May 10, 1970. back when Boston teams did things to help them win important games in May.

Don’t worry about last night’s Celtics loss: it just means Commissioner Stern wants the series to go seven games. And also for his Knicks to advance.

Area sports fans refuse to induct coach with a .500 winning percentage into team hall of fame, local media members hardest hit.

Pivetta needs to be bullpen banished. There; I said it.

If you laugh at Al Horford calling himself an elite shooter, you should have your credentials revoked. Unless he doesn’t score a single point. Not sure where I was going with this.

If we got rid of all the guns how could we shoot the horses!?! Talk sense.

Revs rudely ousted from US Open Cup competition by unheralded Pennsylvania team. Less than ideal.

Cakes are cooking for Jim Calhoun, Donovan, Bono, Randy Cunneyworth, Rony Seikaly, Julie Smith, Hélio Castroneves, Kenan Thompson, Amanda Borden, Gabriella Papadakis, and Missy Franklin.

Lukey Russert wrote a book? Supply your own punchline.

By the late ’80s, New Edition is renowned for playing basketball against other entertainers, singers, rappers & songwriters, oftentimes their tourmates. They’d challenge them during radio promo visits & throw charity basketball games for the public, notably against Full Force…

Heard a minute of it the other day (only a minute, I swear!) and Jon Wallach was complaining about how boring every NESN Red Sox color commentator is. Irony is dead.

The Celtics should start each game with a technical foul when they choose to wear an ugly alternate jersey on their iconic home parquet.

Hey gang of avid listeners! This week’s Phrase that pays is, “Who got the half-price Captain Parker’s Pub gift certificate?”

Ma Scartelli seems to think a fiily named ‘Madge’ won the Kentucky Derby. “She’s the one I would’ve bet on!”

What is “cow pink”?

A SQUIBLET is a wittily clever but trivial or throwaway comment.

Okay.

Women in sports have a difficult enough time without fratbros snickering that their headlights are on! That’s why!

Titans Hire Anthony Robinson as Assistant General Manager. A new voice added to the mix in Tennessee.

GSK has Magic doing ads for viruses that aren’t HIV? Huh.

She was the color of the Indian summer
And we shared the hours without number
Until one day when the sky turned dark
And the winds grew wild
Caught by the rain and blinded by the lightning
We rode the storm out there on Thunder Island

I always feel bad for viewers enjoying golf on NBCSportsBoston when the station abruptly cuts to Celtics Halftime Live.

Honk if you remember Kurt Loder and MTV News.

Thinking that you have to believe in Scouting OR Analytics is like thinking you have to believe in Carpentry OR Chemistry.

YOU thought this Celtics team could sweep a team with the current and past NBA MVP’s! You did!

Patriots to play Indianapolis in Frankfurt, Germany. Gut.

When is someone gonna give the millionaire actor who’s married to a Kennedy his fucking flowers???

News Item: Peter Good, designer of iconic Hartford Whalers’ logo, has died at age 80.

A:  Eleven Baby Huey ‘Noveltoon’ motion picture short features were produced between 1951 and 1959 by Paramount Pictures Famous Studios division.

Is San Diego a fun place to visit? Might go there for the Red Sox game, Let us know in the comments.

So earlier I’m watching Carlos Carrasco’s rehab start and thought I heard the announcer say someone was warming. Freaked a bit since it was only one inning in. Turns out the batter was named ‘Warming Bernabel’. (He singled.)

Disappointing but hey. Just got a text from Questlove that read simply: “Sorry pal”

Sanna Marin is officially a free agent.

The target audience for advanced statustics aren’t people with EBT cards. Sorrey!

Every guy at watching the Heat play at Miami’s American Airlines Arena looks like Andrew Cunanan.

Langstroth frames!

Celts can’t lose. They have unfin18hed business

Best bet for the weekend: scattered thunderstorms in the forecast as the Revolution visits Inter Miami CF.

Is this how they plan to replace the real Howie Carr with a clone, like they did with Damar Hamlin!?!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Electrical banana. Is gonna be a sudden craze. Electrical banana. Is bound to be the very next phase.

And a happy birthday to Canadian-born & internationally famous fashion model Linda Evangelista.

For Immediate Release – Solidarity Action

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We, the writing staff of The15net dot com, as a show of support to our striking brother and sister creatives in the Writers Guild of America, as of today, May 4, 2023 are engaged in a solidarity action. Nothing new will be written for the site as long as the grievances of the WGA remain unaddressed.

We do more writing as a society than ever before. It has now become the primary way we gather information and interact and connect with others. To allow writing to become devalued reduces us all immeasurably.

(Note – As the Sports Junk Drawer column regularly contains less than 49% newly written material it will be allowed to continue on its regular weekly publishing schedule during this sympathy strike.)

Lorum Ipsum,

The15net dot com writers and interns.

O5/03/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Gordon. Meredith. Lightfoot. Jr. He was the pride of the Canadian side. Rest in peace, troubadour.

I feel bad for my fellow Bruins fans, but even worse for another group: drifters.

Ameer Speed being fast is going to be confusing after that whole Lil’Jordan Humphrey situation.

Does Kyrie have any extra thyme we can borrow?

If the Bruins had won, Mayor Ryan was going to send Mayor Wu some Florida bath salts.

Cakes are cooking for Christopher Cross, Bruce Hall, Ron Hextall, Ted Crowley, Christina Hendricks, Tyronn Lue, Joseph Addai, Pom Klementiff, Brooks Koepka, and Rachel Ziegler.

Hockey isn’t even designed to break your heart.

Someone tell Kraft we all think he’s cool so he can knock it off with Meek Mill all the damn time.

Soccer comp is easy tbh. Revs won Supporters Shield two years ago then lost at home on penalties in the first round.

Sidy Sow is a great name for an offensive lineman.

The nice thing about the series loss is you find out who all the better sports fans than you are.

Hey gang of morning zookeeper coworkers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Hey good to hear from you! I’m fine thanks for not asking.”

Tom Caron would like to remind you that the Red Sox are ideally positioned to heal the city. Again.

If you’re going to lose ignominiously in the first round, at least it’s to the hockey-mad burg of Sunrise, Florida.

If any of you are feeling down, just remember that Mac is going to own.

Green Line E Branch Update: Service has resumed between Heath Street and Northeastern.

We did get one last butchered “Jurksztowicz” for the road. Pretty sure Jack just went with “Sophia Yurks” going into one intermission.

I paid extra for the brass grommets!

Well, the good news is that Jackson Mahomes is eligible to be adopted now by Andy Reid.

Is a herniated disk the same as a concussion?

A reunion: Former Packers’ WR Randall Cobb is expected to agree to a one-year deal with the New York Jets, allowing him to play with Aaron Rodgers in NY, per sources. The two men who walked off the field together in Green Bay now get to do more work to do together.

“Baseball is not boring” is a very boring catch phrase.

They love the Patriots more in Hannover, Germany than they do in Hanover, MA.

It’s a good thing there’s no failure in sports. Whew!

Just hang in there. The Yankees can buy out Aaron Hicks’ contract in 2026 for just $1 million. What’s another three years, really?

I keep checking to see if the fire department has been called out to #29 Elmwood Avenue.

Pete Blackburn like, just wears a stocking hat around the house in April?

Coach Sal sez Houck needs to change his pitch sequence.

Where are your seats?

The morning after blues. From my head down to my shoes.

Billy Beane’s famous theorem that the playoffs are “a crapshoot” seems legit.

University of Connecticut: baseball school. Question mark?

The Edmund Fitzgerald, of course was named after the man who captained marine vessels for nine different shipping lines over seventeen years, a Great Lakes record.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Last time there was a WGA strike, the Boston Celtics won the chip…

Honk if you remember when the winds of November come early.

P.K. Subban meant to say, ‘maybe they need to pack a Mila Kunis sized lunch.’

Those Jordan’s Furniture contests get harder every year. “If any Sox player hits a ground rule double over the Green Monster off the left fielder’s head on a Wednesday, you get a free mattress.”

I’m a lifelong basketball guy, but I must say the tension of a tight Stanley Cup game is special.

But there was a drought in ancient Sumeria!

Gerri Green was on the Patriots practice squad in 2019.

Normal aging process!

Rainy Day People does sound like a Jimmy Webb tune, and I mean that as a compliment.

I’d feel worse about the local media’s anti-Bruins sentiment were it genuine. But no one believes Felger, and the ratings book shows that no one listens to Jones.

Sic transit gloria mundi, Matignon hockey.

Best bet for the weekend: the number 5 horse at finishing in the money at Churchill Downs.

No words.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. When you reach the part where the heartaches come The hero would be me. Heroes often fail.

Actress Rachel Brosnahan at this year’s Met Gala, perhaps looking like a queen in a sailor’s dream.

04/26/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Patriots are going to bollox things up like amateurs!

Letting the Hawks live: nice for Earth Day, bad for the NBA Playoffs.

NYC’s population of single ladies queueing up to be squired about town by confirmed bachelor Aaron Rodgers!

Klubes. Owning. Only in baseball, Danny.

Leave no doubt, Bruins.

If there were a Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup I think I would have heard about it before yesterday.

Brogdon’s worst quality is he looks oddly French.

Fox News should hire Katie Nolan. That spunky gal just needs a chance!

Looking for a cat friendly place to host your next event? Elks Lodge #720 in Nashua is our top choice.

Cakes are cooking for Donna De Varona, Koo Stark, Giancarlo Esposito, Kevin James, Melania Trump, Natrone Means, Chris Perry, Sarah Tueting, Kosuke Fukudome, Stana Katic, José María López, John Isner, and Aaron Judge.

It’s Nesmith not Nesmith, idiot.

He didn’t receive cootie. Cut Desiigner some slack.

Rose! More Sanka!

Hey gang of rocketry enthusiasts! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “As if the flight test was not exciting enough, Starship experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly before stage separation!”

Congrats to all the radio talking men on the big loss last night.

Don’t talk to me about Tom Brady’s longevity. I’m more impressed by Gus Sebring, newly appointed principal horn of the Boston Symphony — after over 40 years(!) with the orchestra. Fantastic.

Trae Young looks like a doll they found in the rubble after a tornado.

Looks like I’m currently blocking 22709 accounts. It used to be far more, but then I completely cleared my block list to give people a second chance.

Harry Belafonte, dead at 96. Deadly black tarantula suspected?

Kingston Line Train 051 (1:18 pm from South Station) has departed South Station and is operating near schedule.

Jason Whitlock should consider investing in a bidet. The break even point would only be a few months.

Happy for Wrexham FC proceeding onward to Single A British football, or whatever the hell happened. Brilliant, innit?

I hope the interns aren’t swamped with DM’s about the Tkachuk shirt.

First the Raiders. Now the Athletics. Will Oakland’s NBA team be next to decamp to Las Vegas, to become the Golden Nugget Warriors?

Ironic NHL fandom for internet content!

Celtics 1-2 in the Playoffs since Jaylen insulted the father of the game.

The local municipal animal control officers caught fewer strays than my guy Gunther over this weekend.

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.

Coordinated yelling certain words during the national anthem is gay.

Why all the blue seats, Jonathan?

I played $2.50 blackjack off-strip in Vegas. I did!

Of each particular thing, ask: ‘What is it in itself? What is its nature?’

But metrics involve averages.

NFL draft, NHL & NBA playoffs, 2-hour MLB games…my kind of week!

Does Jaylen Brown mutter ‘FCHWPO’ under his breath when he does something boneheaded, the way Homer Simpson goes D’oh!?

Dark leafy greens!

Rex Ryan looks like a wrestling manager from a semi-pro federation in the deep south. Loser.

Honk if you remember Al Jaffee.

If Shane Bieber threw a better, more effective sweeper than anyone expected him to throw, would we call that Bieber’s Sleeper Sweeper?

His name is spelled ‘Thanasis’.

Sal? Sofa Scout? Salgernon? Sal Hany? MetamuSal?

All this Aaron Rodgers Jets hype almost has me feeling bad for the 2021-2022 NFL Shiny Object Buffalo Bills.

I can’t believe I bet money on a Revs game. I won, sure, but still.

Jimmy Butler went to the barbershop and asked to look like Whoopi Goldberg in Burglar. Nailed it!

Do baseball games seem faster somehow? Let us know in the comments.

Ime can’t wait to meet all the debutantes in Houston who now work in the Rockets front office.

Best bet for the weekend: A Thai golfer winning the JM Eagle LA Championship.

Spring has sprung in Nashua, babe.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Not responsible for damage due to shopping carts.

And happy birthday to Chinese-American actress and director Joan Chen.
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