March Mediot Sadness – Region ‘V’ Preview:   An Abundance of Suck

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2023 March Sadness features an embarrassment of worthy candidates looking to take the lead in the never-ending race to the bottom.   In a packed field, Region V is more loaded than Sean McDonough attempting to make Florian Hall a Drive-Thru.   Here’s an armchair analysis of the best region of the worst candidates:

(1) Chris Gasper v. (16) Dakota Randall:   Young Shank is elite effete in triplicate:   A failure on TV, radio, and in print.   The ultimate bad faith pundit with a schtick as predictable as Bonesy Jonezy’s.  Dak Randall covers the Patriots for NESN, the Val-Pak of journalistic entities.  This one is over before it starts.  My vote:  Kid Gaslight

(8) Rob Bradford v. (9) Brian Scalabrine:  Bradford is Boring; the Diet Coke of Mediots.  How does Bradford move the needle unless spittle from his mushmouth does?  Scalabrine The Color Analyst makes one wonder why  an announcer-specific mute button doesn’t exist.  (There’s a thousand dollar idea!)   At the end of the day, Scal or Mushmouth ends up being cannon fodder for Young Shank.   This matchup is more irrelevant than WEEI.  My vote:  Scalabrine And A Mute App

(5) Adam Jones v. (12) Brian Barrett:  On the surface, this one looks easy.  Is it though?   Discount Felger has less range than Marc Bertrand at shortstop (relax, Theo!) and his takes on Boston sports are more predictable than Gerry Callahan’s views on race and politics.   Leaving ratings behemoth 985 The SportsKlan for WEEI with Meg0 and Arrrrrrrrcand demonstrate worse decision making than Drew Bozo.   Bonezy’s show caters to those who don’t like sports and loathe themselves inside and out – I hope you know that.  These individuals should be given a cookie – briefly pitied, then ignored.  As (Not That) Bono once said: Thank God It’s Them Instead Of You.

Barrett’s ascent to the Boston gig at The Ringer is mind-blowing.  He’s a failed WEEI weekend guy once behind Andy fucking Hart on the depth chart (poor, poor Dumbo) that Simmons pulled out of obscurity and into obscurity.   Barrett’s a shoe-pissing, Excel using, self-important ninny that is the polar opposite of the self-loathing Jones:   He genuinely believes he’s smarter than Bill Belichick, Joe Mazzulla, Don Sweeney, and Alex Cora.   He’s not good at his own job, never mind theirs.  Jones is pathetic shtick; he’s Kenny Banya – a terrible comic who once had a great lead-in.  Barrett’s got a voice only a dog-whistle could love (not that dog whistle, Tony Mazz) with an inflated sense of his worth.  Constantly using small sample size statistical “evidence” to shit on the teams he is supposedly pulling for is a particularly joyless approach to covering sports.  A vote for Barrett is a vote by proxy for California Bill.   Think on that. My vote:  Stay Off The Pike – Barrett

(4) Marc Bertrand v. (13) Duke Castiglione:  Like Michael Scott, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a “Can You Believe It?” Joe Castig joke.  My vote:  Bertrand

(6) Mike Giardi v. 11 Jermaine Wiggins:   Giardi’s an under the radar sneaky blow-dried cvnt, a local mediot on a national outlet with less clout and influence than Albert Breer.   Wiggins’ assualt on eardrums makes me wish Rod Rutledge had better hands.  My vote:  Giardi

(3) Charred Finn v. (14) John Karalis:  Finn might be the most revolting of all candidates and a good value pick to win Mediot Madness.  He’s a spineless, cucked apologist for the worst of Boston media – he’s not a critic.  He waited over a week after Tony Massarotti’s racist joke to opine because – according to Charred – the interwebs haven’t yet reached mid-coast Maine.   His 2 paragraph Mazz rebuke/foot massage/apology on a Saturday eight days later was Finn taking the journalistic fetal position.

John Karalis works for Greg Bedard and may be eligible for a seat next to Mel Torme.  My vote:  Charred Finn

(7) Jerry Thornton v. (10) Gary Washburn:  Washburn is someone to keep an eye on:   Joe Mazzulla’s open contempt for his shit-stirring, low IQ questions suggests much higher seeding in future tourneys.   As for Thornton, what’s more rare:   A Boston mediot/shoe-pisser who likes the team he writes about; a Barstool employee over the age of 50; or a person of color allowed on the Felger and Mazz show?   Sorry, Jerry:  despite campaigning for votes, I’m going for the lower downside.  My vote:  Washburn

(2) Jim Murray v. (15) John Zannis:  With a bio like this, John Zannis may be seeded waaaay too low.  And he put the Boston Sports Journal in his LinkedIn bio!  HE PUT THE BOSTON SPORTS JOURNAL IN HIS BIO.  If his LinkedIn avatar is any indication, he also makes fart noises with his mouth.

According to his LinkedIn page: 

“Big Gym” Murray apologized for Tony Massarotti’s racist joke because Big Gym didn’t think it was racist enough.   He wants the children of callers who disagree with him dead.  While many claim they’re playing a role on the air – cosplaying a contrarian, trolling with a take, acting like an asshole for the click or a listen – Big Jim isn’t playing a role.  He’s an irredeemable piece of garbage who wants others to be miserable as he is.  Murray is the worst person on a show with the worst people in Boston media. He deserves your vote and a deep tourney run. 

Murray wants to be Felger for the notoriety. Murray wants to be Massarotti for the paycheck. Murray wants to be Catfucker Jimmy Stewart for the hairline and the pussy. Murray doesn’t need to be disgraced and humiliated by “winning” Mediot Madness. Being Jim Murray already accomplished that.  My vote:  Murray

And that’s just one guy’s opinion.

The 2023 Big Sads Region ‘N’ Preview

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Ben Volin (1) versus Chris Curtis (2) It has been a true banner year of idiocy for The Globe’s Senior NFL Writer.  He (probably) has control of his twitter back and (probably) doesn’t have real sources so anything less than a complete blowout versus the slug from the morning show will be a shocker.

Karen Guregian (8) versus Mark Dondero (9) Look for the perennial up-and-comer and friend of the program, Dondy, to pull the mild upset over the reliable Guregian on the strength of his Tatum Clutch Gene Takes he’s been working on in the lab.

Andrew Callahan (5) versus Joe Murray (12) The real life “Crying Wojak” Meme guy should win his first round match up with the other half(ton) of the Bankroll Boys running away (in lieu of rascal’ing away).

Trenni Kusnierek (4) versus Nick Cattles (13) The Sacramento Kid is poised to pull the upset on the perpetually offended Trenni by throwing his lot in with previous winner Greg Bedard.  Is Bedard looking at a repeat by proxy?

Alex Reimer (6) versus Evan Lazar (11) No amount of Yankee concepts or allied word salads is going to knock off the media columnist, or whatever the Pissant is doing now.  He’s established a pedigree of sadness that will make round 1 a formality.

Fred Toucher (3) versus Christian Arcand (14) Fred has lost his mind as many times as the Reverend has lost his job.  Hitching his wagon to JV Felger doesn’t help Arcand overcome the sheer power of the Morning Zoo.

Rich Keefe (7) versus Peter Abraham (10) Eventually EEI will find the right timeslot to leverage Keefe’s talents.  Until then expect him to squeak by the Red Sox beat version of the Charlie Brown rain cloud.

Dan Shaughnessy (2) versus Ron Borger (15) This is the emeritus matchup for the tourney.  Years and years of misery and sadness and plagiarism from Ron essentially relegated to a footnote.  No idea what fly-by-night outfit employs him at this point so expect Shank to win in a cake-walk.  Reality for Dan is that anything less than the title this year is a disappointment.

2023 March Sadness Region ‘C’ Opening Round Predictions

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Sent to us via shortwave radio from Andover del Norte:

Tony Massarotti (1) vs Keith Smith (16) Honk if you remember the 1998 Midwest regional first round match-up when the 1 seed Kansas double-upped poor little 16 seed Prairie View 110-52. Sorry, I forgot that you can’t honk because “a couple of guys like that” stole your car.

Greg Hill (8) vs Adam Kaufman (9) Would you rather watch paint dry (Hill) or watch the grass grow (Kaufman)? I’ve got to go with the grass, at least you’ll get some fresh air and Vitamin D.

Lou Merloni (5) vs Paul Perillo (12) When Merloni was fired from WEEI and decided to retire his awful radio persona, he should have been required to shave. If late 20th century television has taught us anything, it’s that the evil side of your personality always sports a goatee. Until that facial hair is gone I’m not buying the change of heart. Damn Lou Merloni advances.

Dan Lifshatz (4) vs Christian Fauria (13) Say what you will, but Fauria is a survivor. He’s the cockroach of WEEI. Unfortunately Lifshatz eats cockroaches for breakfast, along with at least two large beef three-ways. Dan (bank)rolls into the next round.

Andy Hart (6) vs Jared Carrabis (11) It’s a rare first round rematch from 2022! Carrabis chose a career covering baseball, not the smartest decision. Once again, inch-for-inch, Andy Hart is the dumbest person in this Region. Being “not smart” is no match for Dumbo Hart.

Albert Breer (3) vs Bob Ryan (14) It would be a shock if Breer doesn’t piss all over the fossilized remains of Jurassic Bob. An epic victory for the world’s oldest frat bro.

Roar! Ryanasaurus Bob not fossilized! Very much alive! Me find Patrick and chew ear off with Bill Russell stories! ROAR!!

James Stewart (7) vs Matt McCarthy (10) McCarthy has been on a hot take Twitter tear ever since the seedings came out . Meanwhile J Stew is kicking back relaxing in the cat cafe with Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt. I smell an upset, with McCarthy moving on to round 2.

Tom E Curran (2) vs Khari Thompson (15) While Thompson burst onto the scene rather recently, he already possesses the key for a long career in sportz media. No, not a penchant for contrarian opinions but rather a spouse who is the obvious breadwinner for the family. Khari may be one to watch in the future, but in this round he has no chance against Tom Sr’s mouthpiece. The bald denier wins.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

03/08/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Coach Belichick seen here slapping the franchise tag on K Adam Vinatieri in 2005, for the second time on a player it was never intended to be used on!

I’m going to make so much money with all my free online bets when the sites and apps go live. Suckers! Ka-ching!

“That should have been me!” Chris Sale on Justin Turner’s injury, probably.

NYJ Owner Woody Johnson’s name literally means “an erection.”

Three losses in a row can never just be three losses; they have to be due to an overarching systemic malaise that will doom the team if it happens come playoff time.

Let Merrimack play in the Tourney, Charlie Baker!

You will know things are really bad on the Ja Morant front when they start using his given name.

World Baseball Classic Fever! Catch it! Unless you’re immunocompromised, I guess.

Just wait until whoever the Boston Globe sports editor is discovers another way to take a swipe at the Krafts is by warning the Bruins not to wind up like the 2021 Supporters’ Shield-earning New England Revolution.

Cakes are cooking for Micky Dolenz ,Randy Meisner, Jim Rice, Karl Schnabl, Gary Numan, Buck Williams, Andrea Parker, Jason Elam, Georgios Georgiadis, Hines Ward, James Van Der Beek, Mark Worrell, Milana Vayntrub, and Petra Kvitová.

The way a lot of the media in this town went from shitting on Matt Patricia at every turn to blaming the Patriots for his failures is just tremendous.

It’s said that no one needs a Twitter vacation more than the man just coming back from one.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Michael Palardy, aloha.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester Line trains on the outbound platform (Track 1) at Wellesley Farms through West Natick until further notice today.

It’s crazy that Buddy Holly was only 22 when he died. I think he would’ve been amongst the best musicians ever had he not died so young.

Hey gang of bivalve fanciers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The world is your winter oyster.”

Lamar Jackson wouldn’t play through pain on his rookie contract. Imagine what it would be like after you give him over $100 million guaranteed? If that’s collusion, then…

News Item: Divorced Dad Buys Pet to Entice Kids to Visit.

Anybody else remember when they used to sell cat food in little single-serving glass jars? Hard to imagine that today. The glass jars would cost twice as much as the cat food.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

The Cowboys have placed the franchise tag on RB Tony Pollard, per source. That means TE Dalton Schultz will hit free agency, after being tagged last year. Pollard’s tag is at $10.1 million.

UMass Mens Basketball played like the .500 team they were in the A10 Tournament. Unfortunately.

Andy Wong just likes having his picture taken!

Congratulations to Mike Reiss for earning a spot in The Framingham High Hall of Fame. If he had written about the Steelers, Mike would probably have been in on the first ballot.

Chosen Anderson? Guess not!

Here in my car
I feel safest of all.
I can lock all my doors
It’s the only way to live in cars.

Here in my car
I can only receive.
I can listen to you
It keeps me stable for days in cars.

So Gorillaz aren’t actually a real band? Like the Monkees? What, what just happened?

Honk if you remember Chaminade versus Virginia.

You watch out, the Rangers are loaded once they have enough players for a whole team!

I saw Jon Lester at the Target Starbucks one year.

Not sure Pau Gasol gets his jersey retired at this moment in time absent Kobe Bryant’s offhand statement that Pau’s jersey should be next to his in the Staples Center rafters.

Daniel Jones with a guaranteed 820,000,000 dimes! Crazy!

Drive over more hotpatch on the road! I can’t!

Spring Training Boston Red Sox are in the rarified territory usually associated with the Baltimore Ravens.

You can’t shout your way out of being wrong, Perk.

Are YOU ready to save daylight?

Best bet for the weekend: Bruins go a month between losses.

The mountains in the background are also visible in episode 2 of The Last of Us.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Laszlo Panaflex and Kingasaurus, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. So put me on a highway. Show me a sign. Take it to the limit; One more time.

The15’s favorite International Woman, Finnish PM Sanna Marin in honor of International Woman’s Day.
Special Added Bonus International Woman; Birthday-Having Milana Vayntrub!

2023 March Sadness Matchup Preview Part One

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By old friend ‘Patrick from Andover del Norte’:

All over New England you can sense it. That unmistakable stench in the air. We are all experiencing it, from the hard workers slaving away at your local Dunkin’, to the ex-con working the warranty desk at the nearby car dealership. There’s only one thing on people’s minds at this time of year… the BIG SADS. And what better way to turn that frown upside-down than The15’s annual Biggest Mediot Tournament (b.k.a March Sadness)!

Remember, the results of this tournament rests (almost) entirely on YOU, the voting public. It’s a dirty job to have to sift through the local sports media cesspool and separate the dingleberries from the true pieces of shit, so let’s don those hazmat suits and wade into this year’s participants.

This is the most top heavy tournament field in recent memory. The number one seed in each region appears to be a lock to make it to the Fraudulent Four. Mike Felger and Ben Volin once again each head up a region, T and N respectively. Felger continues to dominate the New England radio and TV landscape the same way Gene Lavanchy dominates him in his personal life. Volin had an extremely strong year, being banned from both the local airwaves and the Patriots press box. Topping the V region is last year’s runner-up Chris Gasper. Kid Gas is hoping to finally go from bridesmaid to bride this year. Chris has been busy the past few weeks acting as a human shield, defending the C region’s top seed Tony Massarotti. Mazz comes into the tournament hot off a one-week unpaid suspension for extemporaneously making an insensitive joke – but please remember that deep down in his heart Mazz loves all people; he’s a just a surface level racist.

As rancid as those big four are don’t worry, there is plenty of fresh meat to liven up this year’s match-ups. Among the first timers is the Herald’s new Red Sox beat reporter Gabrielle “my friends call me Gabby” Starr. Gabby is currently covering Red Sox spring training from her living room in Boston – just like you! Another newcomer is the middle -initialed Michael F. Hurley, unfortunately he has his work cut out for him in Round 1 against the fully middle named Kevin Paul Dupont.

After going to great expense to re-enforce the floorboards we are proud to announce that the second half of the Bankrupt Boyz, Joe Murray is included in the field of 64 this year. If you’re ever worried about confusing Joe and Jim Murray, just remember that Joe doesn’t hide his bald head under a scally cap.

Voting begins on Thursday, which is good because it means there’s still time to study the match-ups and research the players. There’s a couple of names in there that frankly sound made up. Like John Zannis. Sound it out… John’s Anus. I guess ‘Mike Hunt’ was ineligible. You can’t fool me, selection committee, you scamps! Keep an eye out for Bracket by Bracket breakdowns of all the first round match-ups. We may not have them, but if you don’t keep an eye out you’ll never know what you’re missing!

Patrick is from Andover del Norte

2023 March Sadness Tournament Field of 64

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Others receiving votes: DJ Bean, Sam Berger, Vernon Dozier, Chris Forsberg, Ken Laird, Sean McAdam, Chris Mannix, Jon Wallach, Shukri Wrights.

Here’s the Schedule for the first round of matchups, 10 on Thursday March 9th, ten more on Friday March 10th, and the last 12 will resume on Monday, March 13th. (Why? Because there were demonstrably fewer votes tallied during the weekends in the 2022 Tournament.)

2023 March Sadness Field of 64 Contest!

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Who’s coming to dance in the Big Sads?

Can YOU correctly predict who’s going to be in the 2023 March Sadness Biggest Mediot Tournament? If you can, you will win a The15 Prize Pack!

Prize Pack will consist of TWO The15 coffee mugs, plus one pound of gourmet coffee! (whole beans or ground, winner’s choice!) A ‘March Sadness’ tee shirt, plus another shirt from our Genuine Merch collection! And an added bonus, a bottle of our special ‘Smokehouse Sal’s’ Barbecue rub, made with our proprietary blend of 15 herbs and spices! Plus more!!

Coffee mugs! That say Must Be Nice and It’s Called #Owning on the other side! Heat-resistant and waterproof!

Here’s information about the selection process to help you all out.

The Selection Committee will pick the field of 64 from 13 radio media members, 13 print media members, 13 television media ‘personalities’, 13 members of digital media, and then 12 At-Large picks.

A reminder that the two previous Tournament champions, Jon Tomase and Greg A. Bedard are ineligible to compete in this tournament but, in a rules change, will regain their eligibility after three years or three subsequent tournaments, whichever is the longer of the two.

They’ll be back. Just you watch.

Additionally, any media member who is a named host or co-host of a radio program broadcasting weekdays during the 12 hours between 6 AM and 6 PM weekdays on either The Sports Hub or WEEI earns an automatic bid into the tourney.

Send your guesses to our The15 intern(s) at the email address bjbsjournalintern@gmail.com (yes, we know) between now and 4PM EST on Sunday, March 5th. The winner will be notified on Monday, March 6th.

(Winner must correctly guess at least 58 participants of the field of 64. In the event of a tie, first email received will be deemed the winning entry. Members of The15, their families and spouses are not eligible, and must use assumed names and fake addresses if they wish to play. All decisions final.)

03/01/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Grapefruit League Babe Ruth indeed. (Photo by Vernon Dozier)

That dead pixel on NESN’s spring training camera? Well, turns out equipment maintenance funds were diverted to Devers contract. Sorrey!

Gotta give the C’s a mulligan over losing to the Knicks. The championship mystique and aura of Madison Square Garden can still affect a visiting squad.

Edmonton fans are awfully yappy for a city that doesn’t have an airport.

Wanting Jalen Ramsey on the Patriots is peak iheardahim.

60 regular season games is plenty for NHL and NBA. Start the playoff(s)already!

What a weather letdown. Soggy and with way fewer inches than promised.

Cakes are cooking for Dirk Benedict, Jan Kodeš, Brian Winters, Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson, Catherine Bach, Ron Francis, Booker T, Tyler Hamilton, Chris Webber, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Kesha, and Justin Bieber.

Gees, Lent is just starting? I thought it was over. This is the time of year all the Catholics sound like crossfit people.

Here’s a goofy thought experiment. Say we try to derive a power series around 0 such that f(n) is the nth Fibonacci number. Is this possible, and what do the coefficients of the power series look like? Let us know in the comments.

What’s the deal with all the pickleball we’re seeing in TV ads? It’s like the pesto of racquet sports.

Sometimes it’s nice to just turn on talk radio and sit in a chair and listen.

Washington DT Daron Payne became the first player this off-season to receive the franchise tag, per sources. The franchise tag for Payne is projected to be $18.937 million. Washington placed the tag on Payne early Tuesday morning.

Every actor on The Last of Us  is great but hoollllly smokes Bella Ramsey is a revelation.

Garnet Hathaway’s birthstone? Surprise! It’s either citrine, or topaz!

Catch an all-new episode of “Driver’s Ed with MegO, McDonough, and Mutnansky” only on WEEI!

What, does Yale not teach their students to use end punctuation?

Middleborough Line Train 013 (12:30 pm from South Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Quincy Center and Middleborough due to a switch issue.

Hey gang of malcontents, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you’ve got two goalies, you’ve got none!”

If Las Vegas was like 75 percent more walkable it would be close to perfect.

Are the eggs ready?

Yes, Anna, attention-span killing Chinese spyware that tells kids to take the Benadryl Challenge is essentially the Library of Alexandria.

The Flames still play in the Saddledome?

Did the Northeastern Hockey team show up with the Beanpot during NU’s exhibition Spring Training game against the Red Sox?

Wouldn’t it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was for just one day?
Wouldn’t it be good if we could wish ourselves away?
Wouldn’t it be good to be on your side?
The grass is always greener over there
Wouldn’t it be good if we could live without a care?

Well it’s a shame that LeBron has a nagging foot injury that will keep him from leading his Lakers team back into the playoff hunt.

Honk if you remember Sierra Mist.

It’s nice to have a backup account you can use for 72 96 hours for no particular reason.

Weenie move scrubbing Twitter of your terrible Ullmark takes when they’re still up at NBCSB, Beano.

Bryant College Mens Basketball is the 6th seed in America East. Will take on #3 UNH.

Richard Belzer’s passing does create an opening for a stand-up comedian who calls everyone, ‘babe.’ Let’s Goooo!!

Those new and improved Cascade Platinum tabs are better than advertised.

KU has had an up and down season, and had dropped out of my Top 10 list 2 or 3 weeks ago. But last year, when they were National Champions, they quite certainly never had a 4-game stretch when they played as well as they have the last 4 games.

When are we getting that second album, Willis Alan Ramsey?

The Bruins are the best team in the league. So if you can force unnecessary changes, you just have to!

Who said Dame?

Best bet for the weekend: the March Sadness Selection Committee burning the midnight oil.

And happy birthday to actress and Bond girl Lana Wood. She seems like a nice lady.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam. Do the jitterbug. Out in the muskrat land.

HBD MPG!
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