From The Collaborative that brought you the Immaculate Squid and your daily SteveRdle, comes a new brainteaser… Is It, 1789 or 2026?
Today’s clue: “Following recent events in the Bastille neighborhood, and after careful consideration, we felt it appropriate not to move forward with the planned event in Paris”
Is It, 1789 or 2026?
If you guessed 1789, well sorry 24601, you will not be taking home any fabulous prizes to little Cosette.
The correct answer is 2026!
Since no one won today’s game, all the prizes will auctioned off with the proceeds to be split amongst the interns.
Thank you for being with us today, and remember to please help control the dog population. Have your dogs spayed, neutered or donated to scientific research. Goodbye, everybody!
Just kidding dog people, it’s all love
L’heure du Petit-Déjeuner du dimanche Steelers (-3) at Saints Les Saints de La Nouvelle-Orléans triomphent et s’offrent un défilé de la victoire sur les Champs-Élysées
Très Bien
Sunday Lunch Time 49ers (-3.5) at Falcons Purrdies rub Penix the wrong way
We miss you Jojo
Buccaneers at Panthers (-3.5) Black cats cook the Baker boys
Not so fabulous
Giants at Texans (-10) Everything is bigger in Texas, even the Giants margin of defeat
Colts at Vikings (-6.5) Norsemen discover that Carlie Irsay-Gordon’s notebook is full of cookie recipes.
Dolphins at Jets (-4.5) Jets soar over tanking Phins
Browns (-1.5) at Titans Brownies bite Tits
Ouch
Bengals at Ravens (-3) Stripey cats pounce on Poes
I got your “Nevermore” right here
Sunday Dinner Time Broncos (-4.5) at Cardinals Mile Highers club Cards
Packers at Lions (-3) Jungle Kings devour Meatmen
Just in time for Halloween
Rams (-4.5) at Raiders Horny sheep leave Las Vegas with a win
Sunday Dinner Time Chiefs at Seahawks (-2.5) All three generations of Kenneth Walkers will be celebrating
Monday Prowl Time Cowboys (-4.5) at Eagles Dallas does Dom
Debbie… OOTG
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Drake Maye’s Top 5 Conspiracy Theories: 5. Fumbles aren’t real 4. Chemtrails are creating atmospheric disturbances which are increasing the number of interceptions 3. Prolonged exposure to the electromagnetic field emanating from Robert Kraft’s surveillance bunker is weakening the soft tissue of the players 2. The real Bill Belichick is being held captive in the lighthouse while his clone is out damaging his legacy 1. Fluoridation caused Mike Vrabel to have a six year affair with Dianna Russini
I do not avoid women, Drake, but I do deny them my essence
Sunday Breakfast Time Eagles at Jaguars (-4.5) Spotted cats enjoy a win over a spot of tea
Yeah baby!
Sunday Lunch Time Bengals (-7.5) at Dolphins Stripey cats feast on fish
Look a catfish
Vikings (-1.5) at Saints Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints? Dey be the Vikings.
Raiders at Patriots (-3.5) Birds may not be real, but Drake Maye IS!
Safety first
Browns at Jets (-2.5) Brown out shuts down New York
Texans (-6.5) at Titans Texans top Tits
Texan tit top
Colts at Steelers (-2.5) Yinzy over Indy
Giants at Commanders (-3) Greek Giant skins Washington
I thought you said “green giant”
Sunday Dinner Time Broncos (-3.5) at Chargers Bolts shock Broncos
Lions (-5.5) at Cardinals Jungle Kings devour pretty red birds
Roar!
Bears (-2.5) at Packers Meatmen grind out a win
I am not a bear
49ers at Seahawks (-3) Fake Seabirds soar as Purrdy slumps in the perpetual rain of Seattle
Yet another miserable rainy day in Seattle
Sunday Prowl Time Ravens (-3.5) at Falcons Penix slaps the Scary Black Birds
Monday Prowl Time Bills at Rams (-2.5) Horny Sheep clip Hairy Cows
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The calendars may gave flipped to October, but our top scientists at CoCoRaHSS have discovered a strange atmospheric phenomenon, emanating out of One Patriot Place, resulting in all of New England being transported back to Mid-Maye!
Mid-Maye
The “Community Collaborative Rain, Hail, Snow and Suck Network”, more commonly known as CoCoRaHSS (pronounced KO-ko-rozzzzzzz), is a grassroots volunteer network of backyard football/weather observers of all ages and backgrounds, working together to map precipitation and piss poor quarterbacking in their local communities.
Sunday Lu̶n̶c̶h̶SecondBreakfast Time Colts (-3) at Commanders Indianapolis Jones skins Commies
Commies… I hate those guys
Jets at Bears (-3) Da Bears scramble the Jets
Titans at Ravens (-11.5) Tits may be ass
Gluteus Catsimus
Packers (-3.5) at Buccaneers Green topples Tampa in the “Battle of the Bays”
Patriots at Bills (-6.5) Bills batter Bledsoe 2.0
Drew Bledsoe but with an extra chromosome
Jaguars at Bengals (-2.5) Spots over Stripes
It’s advanced fashion, you wouldn’t understand
Cardinals (-1) at Giants Due to Jaxson’s injury, Brother Jim told Brother John to get JJ to back up Jamesis. J-Men win!
Rams (-2) at Eagles American Birds soar over road weary Rams
Cowboys at Texans (-2.5) Houston has too many problems
Félicette made it back alive, suck it Laika
Sunday Dinner Time Dolphins at Vikings (-10) With Arch Manning in Miami and Dante Moore with the Jets, in 6 months the Patriots may have the worst QB in the division. Minni over Miami.
Chargers at Seahawks (-6.5) Fake Seabirds make Brother Jim wish he had traded for JJ McCarthy
Chiefs (-4.5) at Raiders The Autumn Wind is a Raider, pillaging just for fun. He’ll knock you ’round and upside down, and laugh when he’s conquered and won… but not this time!
Autumn wind? Sounds chilly
Broncos at 49ers (-3) Bucking Billies struggle at sea level
Sunday Prowl Time Lions (-3.5) at Panthers Black Cats dethrone Jungle Kings
Monday Prowl Time Falcons at Saints (-2.5) In a stunning reversal, Popes penetrate Penix
Please your Holiness, no more Penix
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
A statement for immediate release from New England Patriots and Gillette Stadium Owner Robert Kraft…
🚨 LOCAL MUSICIANS WANTED 🚨
Are you looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?
Do you possess an instrument, a pulse, and absolutely zero financial ambitions?
Do you know how to keep your opinions to yourself?
Brilliant! Because we have the perfect opportunity for YOU! We are putting together a band to open for legendary singer songwriter and all around mensch, Mr. Ed Sheeran on September 25th and 26th. Our previously booked act, a highly unprofessional meshugener schmuck, tragically canceled on us. That putz’s loss is your golden opportunity!
What We Offer Unparalleled Exposure: Play for a stadium full of people that was expecting someone else entirely! The Thrill of the Rescue: Bask in the heroic glory of saving our event from absolute disaster. Complimentary Air: Breathe all the ambient oxygen you want while on stage. Free Refreshments: A half-empty cooler of lukewarm Gatorade awaits you backstage, plus one (1) complimentary bologna sandwich after your performance is complete. (NOTE: The sandwich will only be available on night two.)
What We Need Anyone who can carry a tune, hold a beat, or at least look convincing pretending to do so. Someone with absolutely no opinions on anything, especially regarding an obscure ongoing minor dispute in the Middle East. A performer with a deep, spiritual understanding that “art is its own reward” – because you won’t be getting paid.
If this sounds like you, please bring your gear and your talent down to One Patriot Place. We will supply the mandatory blue square pin.
Don’t mention Paw-listine
Sunday Lunch Time Panthers (-1.5) at Falcons Black Cats pounce on predators
Vikings at Bears (-5.5) Bears knockout Norsemen
Bengals at Texans (-3) Stripey Cats give Houston problems
Steelers at Patriots (-5.5) Kraft bans Qanon Rodgers from preforming at Gillette
Fire up the space laser
Packers (-4) at Jets Meatmen grind up Gotham
Don’t try this at home
Eagles (-7) at Titans American birds top Tits
Did someone say American tit top?
Saints at Ravens (-8.5) Scary Black Birds martyr Saints
Browns at Buccaneers (-8.5) Bucs bake Brownies
Elf on the baking shelf
Sunday Dinner Time Jaguars at Broncos (-3) Spotty cats love high places
Raiders at Chargers (-7) Plugs turn out Vegas lights
Seahawks (-4.5) at Cardinals Fake Seabirds swarm pretty red birds
Commanders at Cowboys (-3.5) Cowboys master Commanders
Dolphins at 49ers (-12.5) Prospectors fry fish
Sunday Prowl Time Colts at Chiefs (-6.5) Watch out Men of Czonka, 17-0 is still on the table
Don’t go popping that champagne just yet
Monday Prowl Time Giants at Rams (-7) Horny sheep gore G-men
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Little was expected from North Carolina as they entered Ireland to play the TCU Horned Frogs in the season opener—the same team that thrashed them 48-14 and set the Tar Heels on a path of endless ridicule. Revenge never tasted so sweet, as Bill Belichick and his boys white-knuckled a 15-10 win. What makes this moment sweeter for a Belichick fan such as myself is the sense of how hard the team worked the entire offseason just to put their best foot forward. The roster turnover was jaw-dropping in its magnitude, akin to selectively thinning a forest to burn away the smaller, weaker underbrush and dead wood.
UNC introduced 59 new players to the squad this offseason, including 19 transfers and 40 first-year players. Meanwhile, 31 players departed through the transfer portal alongside standard graduations. Most of the team is made up of underclassmen, which hopefully signals the job security Belichick has for this season and the next as he develops them into effective juniors and seniors.
If you can’t stand the heat, get rid of the Kitchens.
On top of that, Belichick brought in Bobby Petrino to replace Freddie Kitchens. It’s too early to say whether UNC will improve from their dastardly, last-place mark in the ACC offensively from the year before. But his coaching, fused with the new crop of players led by 23-year-old journeyman Billy Edwards Jr., breathed fresh air into the system. The stat sheet was not lit up with gaudy numbers. But playing nearly error-free football on a sloppy field, combined with a modest 16-of-28 passing performance and 232 yards, is a hell of an improvement. Petrino was brought in to implement a balanced, pro-style offense mirroring the system Belichick ran in New England. So far the marriage has worked out well—and dare I say, it breeds confidence going forward.
But as Belichick says, coaches lose games; players win them. You’d be hard-pressed to find positive performances from UNC last season, especially on offense. The defensive side yielded hard-nosed, gritty efforts that typically went unnoticed. The only player on offense I can think of who left a mark on me from last year was running back Demon June (today he ran for 25 yards on 6 rushes), who now shares backfield duties with Benjamin Hall (11 carries, 36 yards) and Jaylen McGill (5 rushes for 33 yards and UNC’s lone touchdown).
But let us start by exalting the defense. Xavier Lewis served as UNC’s wrecking ball on the interior, dismantling TCU’s blocking and racking up 2 sacks and 4.5 tackles for loss on his own. Coincidentally, Lewis was one of Bill’s first recruits. Linebacker Derek McDonald led the entire team in total production. He clogged the running lanes all afternoon, securing a team-high 9 tackles. Defensive lineman Jaylen Harvey provided excellent edge containment and registered 5 combined tackles.
TCU did not score a single point in the second half. While everyone rushes to blame Sonny Dykes and try to place him on the hot seat, we should keep in mind this is a TCU team that won 9 games the last two seasons. They are a good program, and beating them is no small feat. Offensively, just by staring at the team stats you get a sense of how quietly UNC dominated TCU: 322 total yards to their opponents’ 281; 5.6 yards per play to their even 4. UNC committed just 3 penalties to TCU’s 11.
The team might have a legitimate weapon at tight end in Jelani Thurmond, who caught 4 passes for 94 yards, including an explosive 35-yard catch to ignite the Tar Heels’ opening scoring drive. Jordan Shipp went into the game expected to be Edwards’ most sure-handed receiver and lived up to the expectations, snagging 5 catches for 71 yards.
Overall, a solid opening for UNC hoping to wash away the bitter taste of last season 4-8 record. There’s a lot of work to be done; bumps in the road are surely to be expected. Progress is typically nonlinear. But as of now, the sky appears less filled with doom and gloom.
Vinny Jace is a special contributor to The15net.com.
Region C 1 Greg Bedard vs 5 Dan Shaughnessy It took overtime for Shank to sneak into the Sour Sorry Sixteen by the skin of his McTeeth. Look for Bedard to kick his balls up around his head.
The sun will come out tomorrow, but only for one of these two
2 Fred Toucher vs 3 Adam Jones Fred Toucher spent a lot of time last week defending himself against accusation of racism. You know who doesn’t spend a lot of time defending themselves against accusations of racism? Non-racists. He doth protest too much advances.
Region V 1 Jim Murray vs 12 Chris Curtis Advancing to the Sour Sixteen may be the second most shocking thing Curtis has ever done, but Large Gymnasium wins the battle of the bald middle aged dimwitted overconfident flash boys.
Curtis, in happier times, with the most shocking thing he’s done.
2 Marc Bertrand vs 3 Andy Hart The Far Side kid burns lil’ Andy with his magnifying glass
Region N 1 Gabrielle Starr vs 4 Kevin F Paul Dupont The woman in sports snips KPD’s sports manhood
2 James Stewart vs 3 Michael Felger Jimmy Stewart gives Felger the Lavanchy treatment.
Gentleman, hide your ladies… and your cats
Region T 1 Ted Johnson vs 5 Scott Zolak We will finally get an answer to a question that has been confounding medical experts for decades: Which causes more long term cognitive issues, head trauma or substance abuse? We’ve got good news, you can keep doing drugs kids, CTEd snowplows Zo.
2 Chris Gasper vs 3 Albert Breer Breer sends Kid Gas to the golden showers.
The Patriots are back in the Super Bowl for the 12th time in the past 41years. For all you non-math majors out there, that equates to 29.3% of the time. Not bad for a franchise that used to play in a Zayre’s parking lot back in the AFL days.
No metal bleachers
The Patriots have now been to 4 more Super Bowls than any other team, with an overall record of 6-5 heading into Sunday’s game. If they win, they will break a tie with the Steelers for the most wins in Super Bowl history. If they lose, they will break a tie with the Broncos for most losses in Super Bowl history. So win or lose they are guaranteed to make history. We here at Football Cat World Headquarters just hope everyone has fun!
Nothing is more fun than winning!
Speaking of fun, here is a fun fact: Sam Darnold is 0-4 against the Patriots in his career, three losses with the Jets and one with the Panthers. He has thrown 1 touchdown and 9 interceptions, with a combined passer rating of 41.2. The Patriots are the monkey in Sam Darnold’s wrench.
Are YOU really going to lose to Sam Darnold?
And as we head into the long off season, remember Tom Brady may hate you but Football Cat loves you. See you in September.
Sunday Dinner Time Seahawks (-4.5) at Patriots Fake Seabids can’t exorcise these ghosts. Drake Maye IS!
You go girl!
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.