1/10/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Hail to the Victors.

I personally trust the judgment of the 82-year-old who got caught getting dirty oriental handjobs to do the best thing.

Bruins need to be less committed to not repeating as the Presidents’ Trophy winners, and also not getting any more upper or lower body injuries.

Every football game should be shown on SkyCam with no announcers.

Where the fuck did Nick Cattles get tens of thousands of dollars? Well, if he ever gets a job in radio, he can make that money back in 3 or 4 years.

Good job, good effort, Last Two Minute Report.

If NE needed to kick more FG’s Sunday they should have brought out Zolak to clear the ground.

Does anybody actually enjoy Pat McAfee?

Some feel that Michigan winning the NC will take Harbaugh to the NFL. I can’t believe that he’d leave his Alma Mater after winning a Natty. I’m sure we’ll know shortly.

I ain’t dying shoveling snow.

Cakes are cooking for William Sanderson, Edward ‘Colonel DeBeers’ Wiskoski, Rod Stewart, Donald Fagan, George Foreman, Pat Benatar, Shawn Colvin, Janet Jones, Jim Lindeman, Sarah Josephson, Glenn Robinson, Jake Delhomme, Shannon Kavanaugh, and Adam Kennedy

Dan Orlovsky wouldn’t wash those wet jackets after the Steelers-Ravens game; He’d just let them air dry and wear them again.

Just make Trent Brown the GM. All fix!

Women are constitutionally incapable of taking criticism.

Gallant Vrabes is a defensive guru; Goofus Bill saw the game pass him by.

If this Celtics lose to the Heat again than take a fucking bomb to this thing. That team has zero business on the same floor as them it’s embarrassing, they’re one Jimmy Butler three away from being 0-3 vs that team in the ECF. Nut up and beat their asses.

Red Line Braintree Branch Update: Southbound delays of about 20 minutes due to flooding near Braintree have cleared.

I don’t think 100,000 Dominican pesos are very many dollars.

Oh no, Hali. Hope he’s alright.

Belichick should stroll in wearing an Orchids of Asia sweatshirt and put his feet up on the old man’s desk.

If you are covering three NHL teams you are covering none.

The Mt. Calvary Crew team should not be eligible for the Division 1 Finals! Parochials should play their own kind!

Hey gang of wokesters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Mark Cuban is from Cuba you SPEDs.”

Only one feline team left for Football Cat to root for in the playoffs.

Nick Wright looks like a mashup of every weird friend in every teen comedy film from 1980-2010.

If I don’t have Will Flemming in my life anymore I’ll be livid.

The Progressive ads protecting people from becoming their parents never miss.

I’m definitely at the point in my life where heated seats are more for back pain than staying warm.

Brush your teeth, cumrag.

The greatest mistake the city of Boston made in terms of this was not figuring out a way to connect both North and South Stations especially during the Big Dig.

The Michigan win is definitely tempered by a Harbro being happy. Bleh.

Do people from Houston really care about the program that’s employed thousands, brought humanity into outer space, and exponentially accelerated technological developments including many of the things in our daily lives we take for granted? Yes, Albert, they do.

I always love it when someone says a car has a “yolk steering wheel.”

Introduce me to that big blonde.
She’s got a touch of Tuesday Weld.
She’s wearing Ambush and a French twist.
She’s got us wild and she can tell.
She loves to limbo, that much is clear;
She’s got the right dynamic for the new frontier.

Well I can’t wait till I move to the city.
Till I finally make up my mind
To learn design and study overseas.

If you’re going to hire Vrabel you might as well just keep Belichick. Eh, Artie Blank finna give Vrabes the bag anyway.

Honk if you remember Spider Sabich.

I was rooting for Katie Nolan on ‘Celebrity Jeopardy.’ Sorrey!

Centrist Libertarians aren’t real and cannot hurt you.

Congratulations Theresa Schafzahl on scoring Team Boston’s first WPHL goal. Here’s to many more.

I’m sorrey but if you leave 4,000 cash out in plain sight you deserve to have your dog eat it once it’s unattended.

Understanding and anger are the deadliest of enemies. Understanding kills anger in most cases. Anger kills understanding in all cases.

Josh Allen’s gonna play for fifteen more years?

No TJ Watt against the Bills on Sunday. (Or against the Chiefs on Saturday, as Watt does not play for the Dolphins)

The song from the new IHOP commercial slaps hard.

If TurtleChode had hired Smaven instead of this other nutsack Bradl he’d be having a scorpion bowl at the Dragon 88 RN planning his next move, proly.

A: $1,702.00

Drew Carter is like if you gave a wetnap a really obnoxious radio voice.

I don’t talk to dead people.

Probably shouldn’t have let a criminal have your washable check, huh?

The league needs more drunk Irish GMs.

Best bet for the weekend: The Dolphins freezing up against KC in icy Arrowhead.

Not an officially sanctioned Immaculate Squids. Is there a solution?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Clean this mess up, else we’ll all end up in jail. Those test tubes and the scale, just get it all out of here. Is there gas in the car? Yes, there’s gas in the caaar. I think the people down the hall know who you are.

And Happy Birthday to actress Sarah Shahi.

Football Cat’s Week 18 NFL Picks

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Get. Yer. Ress.

Lots of teams resting starters in advance of the playoffs this week. I can understand that.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Steelers (-4) at Ravens

Will the Evil Birds take the gaspipe in the hopes the spirits conspire to keep Buffalo out of the ‘yoffs? Yes.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Texans (-1) at Colts

Wildcat Texans round up the Little Horsies.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Buccaneers (-4.5) at Panthers

Bad year for the luckless Black Cats ends as it began.

Browns at Bengals (-7)

Stripey Cats are desperate, Browns have put the bag of tricks away until the playoffs. Cincy wins.

Vikings at Lions (-3.5)

Jungle Kings don’t want to go 3-3 in the division and won’t.

Jets at Patriots (-2)

Prediction: Pats Pirouette Past Planes

Falcons at Saints (-3)

The animals of God’s creation inhabit the skies, the earth, and the sea. They share in the ways of human beings. They have a part in our lives. Francis of Assisi recognized this when he called the animals, wild and tame, his brothers and sisters. Nevertheless, Saints win.

Jaguars (-5) at Titans

Spotted Cats disrespect the Titans.

Seahawks (-2.5) at Cardinals

Cardinals are real birds. Seahawks are not. Nevertheless, the False Birds win.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Bears at Packers (-3)

Da. Bears. Da Win.

Chiefs at Chargers (-3.5)

Chiefs win because of course they do.

Broncos at Raiders (-3)

This is the game that ends in a tie.

Eagles (-5) at Giants

Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. Giants prove this in bad weather against the Phils.

Rams at 49ers (-4)

No Brock Purrdy, no matter? Not if the Shovey Sheep have anything to say about it. Rams win.

Cowboys (-4) at Commanders

Cowpokes want the #2 Seed. Won’t need much fancy ropin’ to get it.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Bills (-3) at Dolphins

Prediction: Payables Pork Porps.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

From The15 Vault – Larry Johnson Has the Hiccups

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Don’t you find Larry’s life fascinating?

(Originally published October 4, 2019 at BJBSJournal.com)

Excerpts from the unpublished manuscript by Ms. Beatrice Kerr, which to date has been rejected for publication by; Esquire Magazine, LIFE, Sport, The Boston Phoenix, The Atlantic, Reader’s Digest, The Boston Globe Magazine, TALKERS Magazine, The Improper Bostonian, The Christian Science Monitor, Playboy, Vibe, The Lawrence Eagle Tribune, Art Monthly, Boston Magazine, The Wellsley Townsman, Yankee Magazine, Jet, digboston, Street & Smith’s Pro Football Draft Preview, EXPO Magazine, The Somerville Times, Radio Ink, Southwest: The Magazine, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Parrot World.

18 April 2008 – 11:39 AM
Larry Johnson is excited. It’s a big sports time in Boston. All the local teams are active. The Celtics are about to start the playoffs. The Red Sox are off to a decent start and will always be the number one story. The Bruins are in the playoffs and winning. Even though Larry is enjoying the Bruins, he misses the old NHL and the fighting. No, really. Larry’s just being honest. He could lie and say he likes the finesse game, but that wouldn’t be Christian. So he admits that he enjoys seeing God’s creatures beating the bejesus out of one another. Except Larry pronounces that “be-hay-soos” because he doesn’t like to take the Lord’s name in vain. That’s a sure ticket to eternal damnation where Larry has heard the buffet is a big disappointment.

And the NFL Draft is coming up. Larry likes to think of himself as a bit of a self-styled NFL draftnik. He doesn’t really care much for college football (except for BC, where Jon Meterparel does a great job) and doesn’t really know any of the players but he finds the discussion fascinating and what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with having a diversion from the vicissitudes of life? A welcome respite from things like plagiarism, lack of self respect and annoyingly persistent weight gain. Larry’s partner, Craig Mustard, doesn’t like the draft and tells Larry not to talk about it. Even though Craig and Larry kid around a lot on the air, Larry thinks Craig is a great guy and he does a great job. Just as all the guys at the station do. And the callers too. Great guys.

And the Boston Marathon is coming up. Larry’s hoping he gets the call to sit in on one of Monday’s shows. He has a hilarious riff on running that he uses every year that really breaks the guys up. “I can’t even drive 26 miles!!” and “hey, Pete, are you sweaty from running the Marathon or walking up the stairs??” and “I run to Shaw’s every weekend!!” and “I have congenital heart failure. Please help me. Guys, I’m serious.” He has a lot of fun with it and the guys at the station really seem to enjoy Larry’s humor. It’s a great place to work.

16 May 2008 – 4:32 PM
Larry Johnson is torn. It’s the Friday before his Saturday morning radio show at WEEI. It’s a great place to work with a great bunch of guys. He and Craig Mustard argue a lot on the air, but it’s all in good fun. Larry prays for Craig, just as he does all of the guys at the station. Craig’s a great guy. He’s settled down and become a family man and Larry couldn’t be happier. Despite the fact that Craig once refused to donate his kidney to Larry when Larry lay near death even though Craig was a perfect match, Larry still thinks Craig is a great guy and he long ago put that ugly business behind him.

The reason Larry is torn about tomorrow’s show is that he doesn’t know how he will handle one of the hot button issues of the Boston sports week. He knows fans will want to talk about the Herald and John Tomase. Larry knows that fans will want to engage in personal attacks on John, who Larry thinks does a great job. Just as all the guys at the Herald do. Larry secretly hopes that the Celtics clinch their series tonight so he can talk about positive things. That’s what Larry likes to do. He thinks there’s far too much negativity in this town. He loves that Rick Pitino quote. He liked Pitino’s press conferences. He likes all press conferences. He finds it fascinating when the media questions people with microphones and cameras around. There’s always the possibility that someone will say something fascinating.

Larry likes to put a lot of issues on the table for the Saturday show. Craig jokes that Larry should be used to a full table. Larry laughs and then sometimes chokes because of his congestive heart failure, which is not funny but the pictures of his heart the doctor showed him are fascinating.

Larry hopes John Tomase can find spiritual guidance to carry him through these dark times. Larry likes to act as a sort of shepherd to his fellow man. But not like Pete Sheppard. That’s one of Larry’s favorite lines and he laughs a lot after it, sometimes without passing out.

In fact, Larry decides he’s going to call John after the show and offer to take him over to Lively Stones church. Not for a sermon, but for some fun. There are a great bunch of guys there who get together in the spirit of fellowship, faith and trans fats. He thinks John will fit right in. John’s a great guy and Larry would like to introduce him to Jesus, the greatest of great guys.

06 Jun 2008 – 2:10 PM
Larry Johnson is depressed. It’s the day before his regular Saturday shift at WEEI with his old partner, Craig Mustard. Craig’s a great guy and a great high school teacher in an exclusive Boston suburb. Larry’s not a teacher but he spends his days drawing Glenn Ordway. The guys at the station have a lot of respect for Larry’s art. They kid him about the fact that he traces everything, but Larry just laughs and winces to hide the pain when they’re not looking. The fact that his life’s work has become a punchline makes Larry sometimes wish he’d followed his first calling: to be an aviator. Sometimes he still pretends he’s a pilot while he’s sitting on the toilet. But his large frame, flat feet, nearsightedness, high blood pressure, uncontrollable sweating, explosive flatulence, high glucose levels, webbed toes, compressed vertebrae, trouble swallowing, vertigo, respiratory problems and irritable bowel syndrome left him just shy of the physical requirements. So he put down his wings and picked up a pencil.

Larry likes who he is and he knows that the other guys at the station like him too. They call him “LJ”, which Larry knows is not a name you would call someone that you did not like. Sometimes Larry likes to drive over to the station just to be around the guys, even if he isn’t working. He sits on the other side of the glass with headphones on and watches Glenn and the guys work their magic. He mouths what he would say if he was on the air. He touches his hand to the glass. His heart flutters but not in a way that he recognizes he needs to hit his Medic Alert button. He sketches another cartoon of Glenn. This time he gives him purple pants. That’s a good one. Glenn will like that. He thinks about how much he wants to be a regular on the station. It hurts sometimes, but then the free food arrives. Larry is right where he wants to be.

02 Sept 2008 – 3:07 PM
Larry Johnson is frightened. When Jason Wolfe asked to meet with him several days ago at TGI Friday’s, Larry figured something was up. He knew that heavenly appetizers and reasonably priced, cheese-covered entrees might not be the only thing on the menu. Before they could get through the third bucket of boneless wings, Wolfe got right to the point. He was relieving Larry and Craig Mustard of their weekend hosting duties. Larry tried to make a joke about the Red Sox and their relievers, and then about Pete relieving himself in the studio, but Wolfe sat stone faced across the family-sized vinyl booth, leaning back in his booster seat and folding his arms. Suddenly, the fancy lighting and welcoming décor that Larry always loved about the Friday’s chain started to spin. Larry felt his heart running faster than normal, his head growing light and his torso starting to sweat. And he hadn’t been near a flight of three stairs in weeks. Larry’s mind raced as he thought about how he might illustrate this moment. How can one trace the death of a dream? Just before he passed out, he saw a Rolling Stone tongue logo on the wall. He never knew Friday’s to be so edgy. And for the 12th time that day, Larry Johnson lost consciousness.

Larry awoke to find all the guys from the station standing over him. He was in the hospital. It turns out the boneless wings…weren’t. No one from the station had ever come to visit him before during his 372 recent stays. He was overcome with emotion. What a great bunch of guys! Who wouldn’t want Chronic Obstructed Pulmonary Disorder if it means the guys are going to come see you?

After that, how could he hold a grudge about getting fired? Just because a short man and great guy named Wolfe has taken away his only connection to humans, his access card to all the great guys at the station and free food, his purpose in life…why should he be upset? God only gives us as much as we can handle, a proverb Larry put to the test repeatedly at the Old Country Buffet. They do a great job over there. Really. Who would have thought you could put cheese right in the meatloaf? Not Larry. But they do. And it’s great.

Later that night, as he lay awake in his hospital bed, the ventilator working overtime hooked up to an auxiliary industrial strength turbine engine, Larry looked out at the night sky. And then it came to him…satellite radio! He picked up the hospital phone and quickly called Craig, who asked how he got his home number. Craig was always kidding. Larry told him about his idea. Craig said “Sirius?” Larry replied, “I’ve nevah been more serious in my whole life!” And the dream was born anew.

We at The Journal are glad to provide an outlet for Ms. Kerr, and hope she can find a publisher due to this publicity. She is welcome to publish other works, if any, here as well. @firegoodell3

Attack of the Return of the Intern Street Team People on the Street Interview

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Our Intern Street Team was out and about over the holiday weekend asking the locals, “What are your New Year’s resolutions?”

“To find out where everybody else got those cool hats.“
“To speak with more vocal fry.”
“To set achievable goals. And to convince several local athletes to join my new sports marketing agency.”
“To produce a podcast about the documentary about Boston’s sneaker culture.”
“To keep the Christmas tree up all year!”
“To definitely not do that.”
“Plagiarism.”
“To claim I’m into sports to gain followers on the socials from men who are desperate and want easy clout.”
“To dress appropriately for the weather.”
“To grill outdoors every month of the year.” 
“To grow into a food allergy.”
“Three words. More latex outfits.”
“To mix in a water spacer every now and then.”
“To travel more than 50 miles from where I grew up.”
“To remember to change the channel on my car radio after listening to the game.”
“More eggs, more black coffee, and more sunshine.”
“To get my CDL.”
“To finally buckle down and finish my manifesto.”

Happy New Year, everybody.

1/03/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Welcome to 2024 Boston and New England.

Shorter Boston sports media: “Robert Kraft don’t you DARE keep Bill after we all worked so hard convincing you he had to be fired!!”

C’s getting themselves out of trouble like their dad is a detective had to end sometime.

I’ll say it every time he’s on: Sean McDonough is the best multi-sport broadcaster in the business. #SugarBowl

PWHL Boston. Simple and to the point. Best of luck.

For someone who calls for so many reviews Scal seldom knows what they are looking at.

A four-game win streak pretty well and good evens out the damage of a four-game losing skid. Keep the momentum up for the new year, Bruins.

Fire Sale? No; they traded him to Atlanta.

Does anybody know if Belichick is focused on getting ready for the Jets?

Coach Hardo got too cute by half and bit his own kneecap.

Aaron Rodgers is such an asshole, he makes you root for Jimmy Kimmel.

Cakes are cooking for Thelma Schoonmaker, Stephen Stills, John Paul Jones, Jim Ross, Mel Gibson, Willy T, Ribbs, Jim Everett, Cheryl Miller, Michael Schumacher, Danica McKellar, A.J. Burnett, Kōhei Uchimura, Jisoo, and Florence Pugh.

David Tyree and Eli Manning also have birthdays. But no cake for them.

Jim Harbaugh could win a national championship. John Harbaugh could win a Super Bowl. It’s a good time to be a Harbaugh.

Green Line Reminder: No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), and Heath St (E), through Jan. 12 & Jan. 16-28, due to track work. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station.

Hey gang of tipplers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Those are nice ducks.”

Life is about little, surprising, pleasures. Ate at the Corrib Pub in Brighton, MA prior to BC-Wake Forest. Excellent “Irish” BLT (a club you can actually eat), great fries, great music mix and a friendly Irish bartender. Someone should take notes.

News Item: After more than 40 years, Improv Boston closing down. Yes, and…?

Can we stop it with this? Ja didn’t dunk on Wembanyama. He attacked Wemby and got by him. This was no Vince on Fred Weiss situation.

It’s DeMario not DeMario idiot.

I’d pay extra if League Pass had an option for just crowd and ambient noise.

I met you several years ago
The times, they were so strange but I had it figured out
You looked into my eyes just once
An instant flashing by that we were stealing

Another time you felt so bad
And I wasn’t any help at all as I recall
We didn’t know quite what to do, so we left the wanting
Be still there for me and you.

Dark star, I see you in the morning.
Dark star, a-sleeping next to me,
Dark star, let the memory of the evening,
Be the first thing that you think of
When you open up your smile and see me, dark star.

Almost all professional writers are paranoid about accidentally borrowing some other writer’s words. It’s a professional hazard, a writer’s equivalent to falling asleep at the wheel if you are a truck driver or accidentally insulting your boss if you’re a mafioso.

Whitlock needs to update his macOS; looks like he hasn’t since at least 2019.

I am not a uniform guy. just win, baby!

The Chargers needed to run the wedding defense. It’s the only thing that can stop Stidham.

Local Collaborative queueing up for the Penix Bandwagon?

I hope Aidan enjoyed the inmate traditional celebration of the new year when everyone bangs on their cell doors for 15 or 20 minutes at the stroke of midnight.

Honk if you remember the Paul Anka Integrity Kick.

McAvoy looks good so far playing without his ACL and MCL.

Every good thing in this world started with a dream.

Now two elite AFC quarterbacks are confirmed to be resting in Week 18: Patrick Mahomes and Joe Flacco.

Peter May was a consummate pro. The Globe was lucky to have him.

Go Peabsy! He’s on the ropes!

I’ve seen what I needed to see, 2024 is the year of women in sports.

Naysayah please.

If you have two Corrib Pubs, you have no Corrib Pubs.

Weep, Bert Breer.

Drew Carter’s Radio Voice affectation is at a 9. We need him at a 2.

A hardy bunch, those L Street Brownies.

Jermaine Wiggins and Fred Smoot are wondering why they weren’t invited on the Lolita Express.

The Pot Tart mascot was edible!

If you have six fewer TGIFridays, you have six fewer TGIFridays.

Gene Steratore thought the refs did a great job.

Welcome aboard, Mr. Vinny Jace.

Remembering those with local ties we lost in 2023: Tim Wakefield, Chris Snow, Russ Francis, Bill Campbell, Lee Tinsley, Billy Evans, Chris Ford, Tim McCarver, Don Blackburn, Roman Mejias, Jim O’Connor, Heather Walker, Rick Hoyt, Bill McGovern, Bob Bolin, Ryan Mallett, Mario Guerrero, Eddie Bressoud, Gilles Gilbert, Ed Sandford, Dick Drago, Judy Slamin, Tom Larson, Mo Maloney and Eric Montross.

Best bet for the weekend: South Dakota State Jackrabbits repeat as FCS Champs.

Possibly my favorite tweet from 2023.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Merry New Year!

And happy birthday to actress and fitness enthusiast Victoria Principal.

TO’s & Three’s – Celtics Column

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By Vinny Jace, Special to the15net dot com:

Modern sports media and its consumption is tightly wound in a disingenuous ball, trust fund kids acting as rats in a race searching for the angle that’ll get them the most attention. A cross to nail someone or themselves on, with the secret knowledge there is a chance they’ll be proven right incidentally regardless of what their overall point was.

The “Celtics shoot too many threes” accusation makes the rounds via Twitter, various podcasts and columnists, and it’s not like Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla is willing to play grab ass with the media to dull the knives. He’s a steely-eyed psycho who acknowledges the limited effect(s) he has on the game and can only help to taxi the flight back to the runway in one piece.* If the Celtics win the title this year, they’ll be no parade for Mazzulla, no vindication, only “You were supposed to, and these aren’t even your plays – they’re Udoka’s”, but it they fall short via Jimmy Butler and his playoff bullshit, or Caleb Martin and the Heat enjoying another outlier series shooting the ball, then he’ll be vilified as the man who screwed the Celtics out of a title. After all, the narrative pushed by “Celtics fan” Bill Simmons is Mazzulla didn’t get along with Marcus Smart, and the Celtics doubled down on their coach over their heart and soul, and this is how he repaid them???

“Um, did YOU write The Book of Basketball, caller? You did not write The Book of Basketball.”

Mazzulla is not doing anything that goes against the grain to earn this sort of scrutiny, and his coaching habits are par for the course. Every team “plays like the Warriors” nowadays, in fact, the Celtics are probably the most diverse team currently in how they mix in inside action with Kristaps Porzingis. Many teams do not have the ability to shoot and make the high variant of threes like the Celtics and enjoy the splendor of the added dimension Porzingis has brought in, and Mazzulla deserves credit for integrating him so smoothly given the issues Rick Carlisle had in Dallas doing the same thing. Sadly, no one ever says that. 

If the Golden State Warriors went and jumped off a bridge, would Mazzulla tell the Celtics to do that too?

Because this is the NBA, where players win games and coaches lose them. Only Erik Spoelstra as of now can make the argument he can strategize around certain defeat. Mazzulla cannot go toe-to-toe with Spoelstra, and the hope is he won’t have to. It’s not uncommon for the better coach to lose because the lesser one had the better team. And for all intents and purposes the Celtics appear to be the better team. They just have to play like it and that all rests on the shoulders of Jayson Tatum. The evolutionary Paul George. Defensive switchblade, underrated court vision, can score from all three levels with a coolness Celtics fans haven’t seen since Larry Joe Bird. 

But there is one fabled test No. 0 must pass in order to truly get over the hump. The stage is set for him to do it, like it was for Bird in ‘81, LeBron James in ‘12, Giannis in ‘21. The team is a well-oiled machine, chock full of talent whose positive attributes are infectious even to the marginal bench players enjoying fruitful stints on the hardwood. It’s an environment you want for your superstar entering his prime. The athleticism is there, the experience is there, he’s gone toe-to-toe with the best the league has to offer and has no reason not to hold his head up high. 

Yet… something is missing and that something is assertiveness. That something is when the world is crumbling all around you, the momentum is no longer on your side and your teammates aren’t getting their shots to go in due to the moment consuming them, can Tatum rise up, take the rock and barrel into contact like even a Butler with the full confidence in his ability to finish or at least draw a foul?

That’s what’s going to be the real moment of truth for the Celtics. Not Mazzulla and his timeouts, or if the three-point well runs dry – that last point is expected because it happens virtually to every team except the one who wins the championship. It’s how will Tatum respond when the team is up against it — and the breaks are beating the boys will No. 0 win one for Lucky? 

The Business remains Unfin18hed.

Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live on the South Shore.

. . .

(*- No disrespect to the Orientals)

What We Learned in 2023 – Part Two

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…the future is where you apply the lesson.

(Read Part One here)

Red Sox outfielder Alex Verdugo felt snubbed after not being selected to the American League All-Star team.

Your New England Free Jacks won the Major League Rugby Championship.

The first thing they teach you in rehab is to attempt to reverse any accountability you’ve taken. Well played, Huggins.

“Rusty Sullivan” sounds like something DJ Bean pays for in the bathroom of a Southie bar.

Dan Orlovsky is the worst person UConn Athletics has foisted onto society including Tate George being in the clink and Johnny McEntee spearheading January 6.

Very few can make a fire boom bap beat with no samples.

“Bob Huggins” is the name DJ Bean uses when he gives out Rusty Sullivans.

Jeff Passan is really odd-looking. He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy from the 1950’s.

We officially have a surplus of pitchbots.

It’s possible to take the dick and not tweet about it.

It’s almost as if Dug Kyed was lying when he said he had a bunch of job offers and loved being at A to Z Sports.

If you like athletic blondes with ponytails then that Norway – New Zealand Women’s World Cup game was for you. Hope you caught it live.

People are ready to blow their fucking brains out when Belichick brings Patricia and Judge back but cream their shorts when the same lazy media blowhards take turns hiring each other at their fake publications.

The sheer magnitude of the landscape bewildering to the league is beyond the pale of comprehensive.

It’s apparently very hard for players to understand the NFL’s “don’t bet on football games” rule.

Kendra is bussin’.

Bruce Arena said Doris Burke isn’t very good at her job. He’s done.

Creating a false W-2 is a crime.

If Alex Morgan’s exasperated looks were goals the US would have comfortably been atop Group E.

Bluesky is still in beta.

Jayson Tatum lets Deuce go out in the direct sunlight? I figured he was like the children in that Nicole Kidman haunted house movie.

Had no idea Paxton had a knuckle curve.

A summer party without a cake…is like a rainy day.

The Sox stumbling out of the gate post trade deadline after winning just enough to cancel the fire sale was the most predictable result ever.

Lipless coffee pots! Million-dollar idea.

Crows are the only birds that attack eagles then eagles fly high and the crows fall off and die.

If you put native corn on the grill that is a complete waste.

Megan Rapinoe was voted ‘Most Likely to become one of Immortan Joe’s Imperators’ by the Aussie locals.

Every NBA player have a fucking podcast.

How are we supposed to know you are trying to get to Fenway Park for work if you don’t mention that’s where you’re going.

Penn Entertainment got the reach and cachet of ESPN, Portnoy got to keep all the great big fat persons, the overage interchangeable frat bros, and Jerry Thornton. What a win! #GoPresGo

Dugie thinks being lazy makes him more authentically Mexican.

Alexi Lalas is why they hate us.

I was growing concerned Trev Story was going to barricade himself in the Table Talk Pies building rather than report to Fenway.

The Governor of Hawaii is named Josh Green. Any state can have a ‘Josh Green’. Hawaii should have a guy named like, ‘Governor Haunapukamana’lei’lei.’

Tom Brady becomes part owner of Birmingham City FC. Related, Boston Globe reporter Bob Hohler is on a plane en route to Birmingham Airport.

You’re supposed to recycle the cardboard box the trash bags are packaged in you vapid bint.

Wander Franco is going to be so vindicated when it’s revealed the gal had a Dominican birth certificate and she’s actually six months older than he is.

A cat is only itself, representative of the strong forces of life that won’t let go.

All the worst people were emotionally invested in the Ravens meaningless ‘streak’.

Bucko Kilroy has a grandson named Gavin.

Our President is older than the American League MVP in 1968, or the NL MVP from 1970.

There are no cool people that take ketamine.

‘Has the persona of an Anti-Zionist Muhammad Ali’ was on all of Len Bias’s scouting reports.

Pascoag has a microbrewery.

If you have no backup quarterbacks, you really don’t have any backup quarterbacks.

Morey Hershgordon isn’t real and he cannot hurt you.

Publix says it will no longer make hurricane themed cakes due to sensitivity concerns.

Houck unraveled quickly.

The Galactic Empire apparently had a dress code Moff that forbade women to wear tight pants.

Mac knows he has to be better.

The Dodgers fix dudes left and right with grips while the Sox can’t even manage a bullpen correctly.

Bill Lee is too old for baseball. He should run for the Senate.

I hate the ‘Coach Prime’ nickname more than the ‘Shady’, ‘Hollywood’, and ‘Wink’ ones put together.

Terry Pegula and Jerry Jones seem nice.

There’s nothing like riding an electric bicycle to a game of pickleball.

Jeff Passan should make a baseball bat and a ventriloquist dummy using the tree branch that fell on him.

Thankfully Tom Caron pronounced “Negro Leagues Museum” flawlessly.

Now that Gil Brandt’s dead, just imagine all the players we’ll learn he called Upton Bell about.

It must have been a short discussion about the IR between JuJu and the team.

WWE wrestler Test died in 2009? Cross him off, then.

You don’t need and most likely cannot handle a Belgian Malinois. don’t do it.

‘Sale and Paxton need eight days of inaction’ could be the Hub’s ‘Spahn and Sain and pray for rain’ of the 21st century.

The Red Sox decided to play G-d and made Chaim Bloom their Moses: You can lead us through the desert, but you won’t be the one to take us to the Promised Land.

Bob Lobel’s legs look like they should be hanging in a Chinese meat shop.

Lauren Boebert is no Alanis Morissette.

The Bruins Centennial Jersey needed more stripes on the sleeves.

Zo doesn’t like the play calls on third down. He doesn’t have a better play in mind, he just thinks they should always pick up the first.

This pizza thing is going to be huge. give it time.

Artie T is the biggest needle mover in the world of banana boxes.

Tony Massarotti has more suspensions than Marchand in the past year, but yeah, he shouldn’t have been named captain.

Mike Lombardi is the Vince Lombardi of spam tweets.

We’re in New England. Stop saying y’all.

Curt Schilling is like Pete Rose, in that every time you feel like you’re ready to start defending him again, he goes back to his looney room and comes out with another treasure.

The people who mocked Belichick as being a “genius” for 20 years are also the same people who think he should be able to completely rebuild the team in four. In other words, fucking idiots.

Fall Out Boy covering Billy Joel is why they hate us.

Artificial Intelligence program’s inability to correctly render human hands must give Larry Johnson some small comfort.

All weed is gay now.

Everyone knows your crazy conspiracy theory being true is an absolute defense to witness intimidation.

Four-cylinder Honda’s are going to get very pricey again.

Boston Sports Journal is like a graveyard for once-overpaid scribes who don’t know they’re dead yet.

Abby has multiple jobs. Dickerson has no job.

Jon Smoltz called Game Seven a “must win” for the Astros. Okay.

That stupid Mike McDaniel watch story couldn’t be more tailored to impress the credulous NFL media had it been created in a lab.

Yarmouth Massachusetts is a noted hot spot for comedy in October.

The Sara Civian fan club is strong and we stan.

Being a fired NFL head coach is the best job in the world. Josh McDaniels? He lasted longer in Vegas than than Greg Bedard and he’s still getting paid.

We play hard around here.

During the 1980’s Bert Breer had a General Motors Starter jacket.

Add ‘plastered’ to the football lingo.

You know you’ve crushed branding your podcast network when you need to include a parenthetical on how to pronounce it.

Fox has Stink and Pink on the same NFL broadcast crew.

Megan Rapinoe is committed to Achilles tendon injury equity.

Will Smith’s career has been going great since he faked that Chris Rock slap.

Charissa Thompson isn’t the first to spill too much personal information in an effort to impress Big Cat.

WEEI seems at peace with never coming close to respectable ratings.

Bench guys need to bring the psycho energy.

Jack Edwards speaks like he’s hitting the middle button on predictive text.

I’m hearing the Red Sox are in on everyone.

It took a 7’3″ blindingly white guy for Jaylen to finally be able to see an open teammate.

We live for the fray.

“Fat Lunatic Tells Mayor to ‘Go Back to China’” probably would have made the news.

Sports Illustrated probably should have known Olivia0917693516 didn’t actually write those articles.

Nothing says “moving on to the 21st century” quite like getting fired by NFL Network and then writing for Bedard’s shitty website.

Something that never existed cannot recur.

Cris Collinsworth owns PFF and every time he appears on national television, he devalues his investment.

The Steve McNair murder ottoman claimed another one.

If Shohei Ohtani had a sense of humor, he would have made his surprise announcement on December 7th.

Max Strus looks like he sells MDMA.

If you combine this IST championship with the Lakers bubble championship, that’s almost like one whole championship.

Dan Orlovsky is the NFL’s Myrna Carter of advice giving.

We all fit the profile.

Hardy goes from being the third guy on the midday to being the solo host next time Toucher has a relapse of (cough) “throat issues”.

Everybody has a price. Cerrone Battle’s is just really low.

Dart Adams’ nephew is 6’6″.

I never realized how many loser fans Ted Johnson has.

CeeDee Lamb is a Top 1000 NFL WR.

Wacky Mahomes and Kelce commercials just hit different when they suck.

Chris Sale was somebody’s favorite player.

Thanks to all our regular readers, our irregular readers, and the bots. See you in 2024.

What We Learned in 2023 – Part One

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The past is where we learn the lesson.

‘Blunt force trauma to the chest can’t induce a heart attack’ was the new “fire can’t melt steel.”

That Cohasset fella should’ve Google searched “how not to kill and dismember anyone including my sweet wife.”

Wickersham was ready to crown McVay the greatest ever.

It’ll never not be funny that a group of nominal adults with journalism degrees came up with “Media Good Guy” as a name for an award.

Massachusetts has 16 municipalities that end in -ham, and 4 that end in -mouth.

Twitter made the world better by giving people a forum to proudly advertise that they think you can win a game 1.49 times.

Jac Collinsworth wears more eye makeup than Derek Carr and Peter Schrager combined.

It’s expensive to have baseball players.

Eddie Andelman calls that Oriental film that was nominated for Best Picture, ‘Everything All Over the Place.’

The Clover Cabal runs The Association.

If a “Rules Analyst’ is a key component of your sport’s broadcast team and people still don’t understand what the rules are, guess what? Your sport sucks.

A Northeastern/Harvard Beanpot Final can and did happen.

Adam Jones had an opportunity to reinvent himself as something more than cut-rate Felger impressionist and decided against doing so.

The Daisy Sour Cream song has no business going that hard.

The Panthers did what so many others had tried: They hired Jim Caldwell as a senior assistant.

All Tony Mazz did was say that two black people looked like car thieves based solely on immutable physical characteristics after making sure they couldn’t hear him say that.

If you don’t know then why ask?

The Chicago Bulls shut down Lonzo Ball for a second consecutive season Tuesday as the point guard continued to struggle with discomfort and pain in his left knee.

Reporter Jonny Miller stays in the exact same motel room every Spring Training.

Edmonton fans are awfully yappy for a city that doesn’t have an airport.

There’s nothing more pleasant than the smell of eggs, meat and cheese on a crowded train. It’s very Boston.

If Las Vegas was like 75 percent more walkable it would be close to perfect.

NESN’s spring training camera had a dead pixel.

Three losses in a row can never just be three losses; they have to be due to an overarching systemic malaise that will doom the team if it happens come playoff time.

Charlie Baker wouldn’t let Merrimack play in the Tourney.

Andy Wong just likes having his picture taken.

NY Football Giants Daniel Jones with a guaranteed 820,000,000 dimes! Crazy!

UConn was poised for a March Madness run.

Nicaragua had a tough World Baseball Classic. Lordy!

Purdue Men’s Basketball should try and get some of those notoriously permissive Big Ten refs to work the Tournament one of these years.

You’re not a real sports fan unless you enjoy Division 3 women’s basketball.

There’s a Harvard Extension Medical School now, apparently?

It’s definitely organic that every person who has ever commented on Kara Lawson uses the exact same superlative to describe her basketball mind.

Boston as a sneaker mecca is a tough sell for folks who don’t know. It was wild to live in a place where Adidas, Nike & Reebok were all at war with each other at one point in time, but you’d enter Jamaica Plain via the Orange Line and suddenly everyone’s rocking Fila there?

Chris Curtis doubtless spent his week’s suspension in quiet contemplation of his many mistakes.

What a delightful trollop that Paige Spirinac is.

Always make sure you know who the stepparents are, Harvard Women’s Hockey Coach Lady.

Alex Verdugo was the first Red Sox player to lead off the first inning of the team’s first game with a triple since Rabbit Warstler in 1931.

Eggs, black coffee, sunshine. All we need.

Asante Samuel loves getting reminders of the worst moment of his career every few months.

There’s a 1 in 555 chance to catch a foul ball.

Kim Mulkey goes through a carton of Misty’s a day.

Once the Boston media united behind the “Brogdon never starts games, which means he’s better” narrative, it was over. The Boston Sports Media machine is too powerful, too disciplined. Always has been.

Kutter Crawford is the new Rac Slider.

Quinnipiac winning the Frozen Four makes that part of Connecticut New England again.

Pete Blackburn gets his clothes at Build-A-Bear.

It took only 12 games into the season for a Red Sox pitcher to openly weep on the mound.

I bet money on a Revs game. I won, sure, but still.

NYC’s population of single ladies was queueing up to be squired about town by confirmed bachelor Aaron Rodgers.

Sox in 2 had to pad things out for that one game!

Looking for a cat friendly place to host your next event? Elks Lodge #720 in Nashua is our top choice.

Trae Young looks like a doll they found in the rubble after a tornado.

The nice thing about the Bruins series loss is you find out who all the better sports fans than you are.

Baseball is occasionally boring.

Sic transit gloria mundi, Matignon hockey.

Area sports fans refuse to induct coach with a .500 winning percentage into team hall of fame, local media members hardest hit.

Lukey Russert wrote a book. Supply your own punchline.

Every guy at watching the Heat play at Miami’s American Airlines Arena looks like Andrew Cunanan.

Sanna Marin is officially a free agent.

Nikola Jokić. Good fundamentals. Gritty. Plays the game the right way.

The billboard? Great idea. No possible downside.

Chris Paul has won everywhere he’s been except Phoenix and Oklahoma City and Houston and Los Angeles and New Orleans and Wake Forest.

It’s amazing that Dan Lifshatz is able to have all this action when he’s been shut off by every book. 

A great gesture by Jeff Howe to raise money to help people who actually do have cancer.

All that ridiculous free throw disparity and the NBA still couldn’t drag Los Angeles into the Finals.

You know someone’s made a poor vocational choice when they thank Evan Lazar and Alex Barth on their way out.

Maybe the real Eastern Conference Championship is the friends we made along the way.

Guidance counselors funnel people with psychotic levels of self-confidence but no aptitude for law, medicine, or engineering into sports writing.

The Las Vegas Golden Knights matriculated their way to winning a Stanley Cup for Coach Cassidy because we can’t have nice things.

Floramo’s moved to Wakefield and Malden.

Every single time you saw Kenley Jansen, either on TV or around the ballpark, he’s mentoring some young pitcher on the staff.

NASCAR used to be guys named Matt and Jimmie. And now its guys named Ryan and Ross.

When you want a deep, thoughtful reflection on the perils of doing business with an autocratic government who funds terrorism, I go to the guy who plays golf for a living and fucks Wayne Gretzky’s daughter.

Instead of saying “a non-Power Five coach told me” Russillo should say “Trent Dilfer told me.”

Nothing has been the same after the USGA turtled post Shinnecock.

Bob Huggins needed to get home.

UFC expertly blends violence with homoeroticism so it naturally plays well in America right now.

The secret is the Merritt Parkway instead of 95.

Never trust a guy with Air Monarchs. It’s right up there with don’t play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.

Table Boston has the best Rosemary Scapicchio in town.

There’s a time to compliment someone on their Throw Power rating in Madden, but it’s not in the immediate aftermath of their tragic untimely death.

Keith says it hard caps at the 2nd apron. There was no second apron before.

Fall River is a town.

To be continued…

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