The 15

The Football Gods can be so cruel, even in preseason.

East side of the hurricane gets the strongest winds, West side gets the heaviest rain. It’s the McDLT of weather systems.

Are the red-hot Revs peaking too early?

Mike Richards getting cancelled was off the board in Vegas.

Maybe the league should have written the COVID test protocol in Cam’s lunatic Instagram font?

I like my cults currency-based.

First Don Everly, then Charlie Watts. Be careful, pioneering rock & roll bass guitar player.

The Patriots running test is overrated for running backs.

Cakes are cooking for Tim Burton, Joanne Whalley, Vivian Campbell, Marti Noxon, and Spider One.

Trinitron. Traded.

For decades, all good stories started with multiple high schoolers in an American made vehicle hauling beer.

Green Line D Branch Update: Regular service has resumed with residual delays of up to 15 minutes. Shuttle buses are being phased out at this time.

Like I’ve been saying, only Barnes can kill Barnes.

Seahawks LB Ben Burr-Kirven suffered a torn ACL on Saturday night, source said following the MRI. The former fifth-round pick had worked with the starters and was impressing at camp, emerging as a key player. Now, done for the season.

Sha’Carri Richardson. Such a big personality. Like Cam’s!

Seeing the outpouring of heartfelt grief over Jimmy Hayes makes me wish I had known him. Or heard of him prior to this week, to be honest.

You didn’t how good you had it while the PayPig was around, did you, ladies? Sad.

Hey Gang from Paddy’s, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “playing like a team that already won the snaps that mattered.”

On old Olympus’ Towering Tops, a Finn and German viewed some hops.

I like drip-brew coffee better than the Keurig pods. There: I said it.

With non-team media brusquely banned for locker room access, what does this mean for old friend Amalie Benjamin?

If this Mike Richards thing has taught us anything, it’s this: never make a podcast.

Perillo “likes to defer to Zo on the football stuff?”

Blehhhh! Staying home the last year before your daughter leaves for college! BLEHHHHH!!

‘Ivermectin’ sounds like a hockey player name. Or maybe tennis.

Famous adopted people include Simone Biles, Gerald Ford, Jamie Foxx, Faith Hill, Ray Liotta, and Dave Thomas.

Happy for all the OnlyFans creators.

Now I’m in my car
I got the radio on
I’m yellin’ at the kids in the back seat
‘Cause they’re bangin’ like Charlie Watts. You think you’ve come so far
In this one horse town
Then she’s laughin’ that crazy laugh
‘Cause you haven’t left the parkin’ lot.

Jungle Cruise is in Dale Arnold’s list of Top 5 Movies based on theme park rides.

Honk if you remember the McDLT’s styrofoam-intensive packaging.

Is that Milk Crate Challenge thing a fundraiser for sickle cell anemia research? What?

A: Tom Flores.

Someone put two dollars on the five horse in the third race at Saratoga to win. I’m good for it.

I hope no rappers expected to use Airkraft One as an AirLyft while it’s away on a mission of mercy delivering supplies to earthquake-ravaged Haiti.

Wow. That Kirk thing? At Saco? Classic!

Sure Mac has looked effective in the joint practice against the New York Football Giants. But Cam just tweeted something profound in Sanskrit while dressed like the bad guy from The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Maybe there’s something to this ‘drinking light beer’ business?

No, getting past the 98.5 call screener is decidedly not tougher than what Sony Michel accomplished in the 2018 Playoffs. Losers.

Really though: are the Eagles going to commission a statue of last week’s joint practice?

Best bet for the weekend: accusations of racism.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, OnlyFans, other writers, league and team sources, @ralvarez617, and #the15 were used in this column. Do not apply externally.

I don’t think Bill’s kid’s mullet is ironic anymore.

No one likes my recurring ‘NBA max contracts are named for Cedric Maxwell’ jokes. At all.

Sorry Naomi Osaka, but 120 years ago a fictional bartender said the job of newspapers is to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable. And they decide who is comfortable.

Blame The Fed for everything.

Mike and Kevin, do I use the junk drawer To retweet?

Leaving runners in scoring position is like getting vaccinated against Playoff Fever!

Can you use Bitcoin to purchase Patriots season tickets?

Cakes are cooking for Madeleine Stowe, Kenny Walker, Everlast, Nate Jones, and Liz Cambage.

Revs. Owning.

Every individual person is definitionally sui generis you swishy mountebank.

No Tim TE-bow? How disappointing. By which I mean ‘predictable’.

I hope Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with Full Force can appear on High School Musical: The Musical: The Series.

Synesthesia is psychosomatic.

Kirk is afraid of trains AND afraid of Jen Royle.

Olha que coisa mais linda
Mais cheia de graça
É ela menina
Que vem e que passa
Num doce balanço, a caminho do mar.

Red Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Blehhhh! E-commerce! BLEHHHHH!!

Take this down: Bobby Dalbec is The Fruith.

Cowboys coach Mike McCarthy told reporters that Dak Prescott will be limited in practice today. “There’s a good chance he probably won’t play” vs the Texans.

Bye, Marwin.

Hey gang of short-term NFL researchers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “This graphic is so chaotic.”

Nolle prosequi, there’s a nice Latin phrase.

Sometimes I worry about writing a personal essay collection as my second book because what if I don’t cash in enough on the ‘brand’ of sports journalist I’m creating & deepening with my first? will I seem all over the place as a writer?

Do fish like to tell pollock jokes?

“Darkest hours.” Nailed it! GTFO.

If Belichick thought Nordin was going to be that good, why didn’t he draft him?

It’s so easy to blow up your problems.
It’s so easy to play up your breakdown.
It’s so easy to fly through a window.
It’s so easy to fool with the sounddd.

You can’t fool me; Jackie Mac retired years ago.

Honk if you remember Fisher Price Adventure People.

I’m going to be so mad if the Red Sox team I didn’t even like to start the year doesn’t overachieve!

Get an uglier wife. You can’t.

Polar Ginger Lime Mule seltzer? Approve!

YOU got blown out in the Summer League Championship Game! You did!

Jack Morris is so solly.

Pronouncing ‘Taliban’ like you’re Harry Belafonte is as bad as ‘nucular’.

Did the Yankees get their (cough) ‘booster shots’ (cough) early?

¡Hola Ecuador!

Best bet for the weekend: shark sightings near Monomoy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources, and #the15 were used in this column. Post no bills.

Medal Count. Scoreboard. Suck it, China! USA! USA! USA!

You can tell you’re at a Revolution game by all the Liverpool shirts. Sorry; ‘kits’.

This could be the most anticipated exhibition preseason game in decades.

Which episode of the Call Him Papi podcast will Jared Carrabis grill David Ortiz about sleeping with drug dealers’ wives?

No, Manning and Brady can’t BOTH be the GOAT. Knock it off.

That said, TB12 is playing nice with all the wrong people.

Megan Rapinoe has spent the past few years acting like the lead singer of an all-girl U2 cover band. (“We’re called X2, you know, because of the chromosomes? Uno, dos, tres, catorce!!“)

Dugie swag. Dugie swaddle. Congratulations, Dugie.

You too David Andrews. And also Diana Russini.

Cakes are cooking for Sir Mix-A-Lot, Pete Sampras, Rebecca Gayheart, Casey Affleck, and Antoine Walker.

Pay them less.

If they are going to call it “street skateboarding” in the Olympics, there should be a couple of old guys driving around in a Honda and a Chevy yelling at the kids to get out of the way.

The New England Journal of Medicine should publish something about how non-colloidal gold treatment can reverse the effects of Losing DNA.

Manifestos get a bad rap nowadays.

This Iowa cornfield baseball game is going to get overshadowed like Farrah Fawcett by football. Good scheduling.

Green Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace B Branch service between Kenmore and Babcock St, Mon – Thurs, beginning at 8:45 PM through the end of service. Also: Shuttle buses replace D Branch service between Brookline Village and Riverside, Mon – Thurs, beginning at 8:45 PM through the end of service.

Cover Heather Thomas and Heather Locklear in bubble wrap until the playoffs!

‘Cos if you wanna run cool
If you wanna run cool
Yes, if you wanna run cool, you got to run
On heavy, heavy fuel
Heavy, heavy fuel.

Were The Wood and Felger among the Covid culls from Barry’s Birthday Bash?

I don’t blame you Steve. All of my interactions with you on here are you just disagreeing with things. It’s not that enjoyable.

Jaguars coach Urban Meyer said it’s an open competition between QBs Trevor Lawrence and Gardner Minshew to start the season opener against Houston.

Hey hard of hearing and searching for offense gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “I heard the Rockies fan say ‘Yanni’.”

Jale Dolegala, we hardly knew ye.

True story, ‘Spike Protein’ was my stage name for ten years.

Six shitty seasons in Dallas and this guy Jason Garrett is Colonel Jessuping people?

Serpentism is psychosomatic.

Boy do I love Eck telling stories about himself every day for no reason.

Honk if you remember Fotomat booths.

Congratulations to my Brewster Whitecaps, 2021 CCBL Champs!

Edge James? Cute little player. Not HoF. Sorrey!

Time to watch Field Of Dreams and cry.

One of Shank’s kids should check up on him: he forgot to call Bob Kraft ‘Hef’ in a recent dashed-off Sunday column.

Thanks, ‘Mr. J’. You’re a good sport.

The non-Truman bulldogs really should be named Snoopy and Prickly Pete. Unbelievable.

Best bet for the weekend: The Olde Towne Team climbs back into contention.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources, Non-weirdo Bill James and #the15 were used in this column. Stay hydrated.

Note: Patrick Scartelli is taking National #LazyDay off. Guest writer Mr. J has submitted a column in his absence. Enjoy!

Mountain Dew is amazing.

If you haven’t heard Midnight Sky by Miley Cyrus yet- what are you doing with your life?

RIP Bobby Bowden. Never been the biggest college football fan but I know he was a #Legend.

Rainy days are good for salted pretzels.

Two things for certain you should know about me:

1. I’ll never own an iPhone.
2. I’ll never get a TikTok.

From how much #Buzz the Home Run Derby and the #MLB All Star Game received, I’d say it’s safe to say baseball is back. Young people are interested as well as older folks. Felger is so wrong.

The pizza industry has to be a trillion dollar plus industry.

Rick Ross has poisoned the minds of many individuals along his way but I love him as a rapper. Also happy he lost some weight and got his health in order.

The #Patriots will have a top 5 defense this upcoming season. Mark my words. #NFL

Here’s a fun fact for you. The koozie was invented and patented in 1981 by Bonnie McGough. It’s been making our lives better ever since.

If Giannis develops a jumpshot- he’ll be better than Jordan or LeBron. #NBA

Actually making tacos on a #TacoTuesday for once tonight.

Sure, I’ve got some skills but I’d say one of my most underrated is my DJ abilities. When I’m rolling- I sure know how to spin them up man.

Spaghetti straps are back in style and I’m a fan of that.

Sucks when you can’t buy a football because there’s no one to play catch with.

Been listening to a fair amount of Rock 101 out of New Hampshire lately and the songs have been kick ass.

Bradley Cooper is a dink in Wedding Crashers.

Tuukka Rask (Boston Bruins starting goaltender) only made 7 million dollars last season. Hockey players are wayy underpaid. Sure, 7 mil is nothing to sneeze at for you and I but if I was a starting goaltender I’d want at least double digits, baby.

Carmen Electra is still sexy for her age.

Subway hasn’t seen any of my money in quite a while and even with their recent endorsements that won’t change. I’d only buy it in a pinch. I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way for one.

#TwitterAfterMidnight The freaks come out at night, babe.

Warm weather means more potato and macaroni salad and I’m down with that.

“What if time doesn’t do what it’s supposed to do?”

You know you’ve made it on Twitter when people make burner accounts just to follow you.

Ariana Grande is a bad bitch man. Listen to “7 Rings” and tell me different.

Bill Belichick wanting to be loyal to Cam Newton is cute and all but we all know Mac Jones will finish the season as starter. It’s just all a matter of when and where.

Weekend mornings are for cooking shows.

Alex Cora is proof people are worthy of second, third, and fourth chances. He’s such a good man even tho he cheated. I wish the best for him and the Boston Red Sox. #RedSox #MLB

There’s things that we’ll never know and I’m kinda glad about that.

Friend of #The15 Mr. J resides in the Merrimack Valley.

It’s August. Do YOU know where Dont’a Hightower’s retirement papers are?

You can’t win a chip without getting into the yoffs.

Aaron Rodgers being painted as the good guy in any way is psychotic. In sports!

I’m not comfortable with saying Kris Dunn is coming home. He’s from Connecticut for chrissakes.

Canada soccer to USWNT: Sorrey!

Maybe Brad Stevens phone has a bad connecton? That’s a thing that still happens in 2021, right?

Katie Nolan is depressed? Hope the Sports Junk Drawer from a few weeks ago wasn’t too hard on her.

Deleting a tweet is a sign of guilt, Ben Volin, like DESTROYING A CELL PHONE.

So long 46. The Bruins loss is Krejcislovakia’s gain.

Cakes are cooking for Mary Decker Slaney, Dennis Lehane, Eddie Cade, Kurt Busch, and Cole & Dylan Sprouse.

Tracy Sormanti has been selected for induction into the Patriots Hall of Fame as a contributor? But what about Lisa Coles? She brought legitimacy to the Patriots Cheerleader organization!!

Smart of the Red Sox to get the four game losing streak out of the way now, rather than later. Bad as it is now, losing four in a row is much worse in the yoffs.

Buffalo Bills to become the Mexico City Guillermos? ¡Aye caramba!

Gn’R savied Paradise City for last so concert goers couldn’t Denny Drinkwater it.

I’m not one to engage in hyperbole, but the award Simone Biles took in the balance beam final is the most important bronze medal ever won in the history of competition. #hero

Christian Barmore is going to make Bedard look like a dummy again, isn’t he?

News Item: Taiwan wins gold in Olympic Mens Doubles badminton, China settles for silver.

There is a thing called @Legacy_Leagues basketball where they play on 8.5 feet hoops. Adults do this.

Just played a stretch of Thin Lizzy at the bar # Everyone is up in arms # im laughing

11-on-11 notes SZN.

Take a ring, and then another ring and then another ring, and then you’ve got three rings.

Think that Katie Ledecky is any good at swimming? Heh heh.

Congratulations to the Brewster Whitecaps, 2021 East Division Champs of the CCBL.

I get the decided impression I’m supposed to know who the blonde bespectacled person is in those Blue Moon Light Sky commercials, when I need an explicit ‘Brian Orakpo’ in-ad identification.

4th quarter Jason Tatum, anyone?

If you aren’t blasting music when pulling into any and all parking garages you are doing it wrong..pal.

Hey gang of radio buffs, this weeks Phrase that Pays is “Eastern Columbia, Broadway at Ninth.”

There is a definitely a ‘Cam is great, he exhales carbon dioxide, which is good for plants’ vibe to Coach Bill’s level of praise so far for last year’s starter.

Dondero was voted class clown in middle school and has been running with it ever since.

Great work winning that CONKYCAFF Gold Cup, other US Men Soccer Squadron.

Honk if you remember Keystone Ice.

The new WEEI poobah is an Indy Colts guy? Start work on that ‘Boston Radio Ratings Participant’ Banner!

I don’t think you can start at ‘cvnt’ and call that an escalation.

Fun Fact: Cuban Rounds don’t cause cancer!

Green Line Update: The B Branch work scheduled for this evening, August 4, has been cancelled due to the weather.

What kind of people make fun of their friend’s awesome summer hat?

Overall Medal Count vs Gold Medals Won is the Olympics equivalent of ‘Points scored against’ vs ‘Yards allowed’.

Josh, Nathan, and Matt. Back together again .

Not to tell the Thomas’s people how to run their business, but they need to ramp up production of Toast R Cakes.

Yoffs is sooo fetch.

If the Red Sox continue to lose, will that give Greg Bedard more time to work on the Loyko investigation?

We all still miss you, LJSandwich, you old fartknocker.

Best bet for the weekend: a safe and contemplative Victory Day long weekend in the Ocean State.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW and #the15, were used in this column.

Simone Kyrie Biles. Mary Lou Retton would never…

Yes. People who love Chick-fil-A for its delicious food and unfailingly polite service are now going to abandon them because they won’t give free stuff to a guy with a quarter billion dollar NBA contract.

Tampa’s Soupey championship ring? Kinda tacky looking. There; I said it.

This 3 on 3 basketball is insane. And these guys are terrible.

I just don’t like The Player’s DNA, caller!

Dug Kyed’s least favorite advanced stat is FICO.

Trenni trapped in a hotel room in Tokyo with nothing to do? Can someone say photoshoot 2.0!?!

Bankruptcy Boyz Lifshatz and Murray can’t ride in commercial elevators together.

Cakes are cooking for Jim Davis, Lori Loughlin, Huma Abedin, John David Washington, and Ayla Brown.

Emotions are stupid and should be repressed.

Carrabis is a composite drawing of every douche-tell.

Psylocibin hyperlinks!

Famous former-local “superfans” need to be fed to rabid polar bears.

We used to fuck around w fireworks year round.
I’d mow and shovel and paper route just to buy
I’m old – I bought from age 7 up w my friends

Ride your bike and buy cards candy and fireworks
It was beautiful

Kirk gets to be contrarian AND pretend to care about somebody else’s mental state.

Migraines are psychosomatic.

’48 dollar double lobster roll’ can be sung to the tune of Pearl Jam’s ‘Glorified G.’

Imagine thinking some hippy ice cream is taking down Unilever.

The Running of the Jorts!

Was that 98.5 “Sarge” guy actually in the military, or is it just stolen valor?

Hey gang of competitors, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Can we start acknowledging that ‘mental issues’ are just as significant as physical injuries?”

Do people call that MSG Mill on Route 1, ‘The Loon’? I’m thinking ‘no’.

Apropos of absolutely nothing, the late Nick Cafardo getting into the Writers’ Annex In Close Proximity Of The Baseball Hall Of Fame proves beyond the shadow of a doubt the worthlessness of that honorific. 

Inexplicable half-mile backup szn.

I think Joe DiMaggio was still alive the last time anyone scrubbed out this Mr. Coffee carafe!

Under Yakuza rules, I think the Tokyo Olympics organizer guy who told the IOC that July weather for their prefecture is great is obligated to cut off his pinkie finger now.

Blue Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Ding up the GOAT, find Debi Thomas.

Vaccines are like millions of tiny masks for your bloodstream!

Use promo code PUP for a 15% off this swell watch that changes color based on your mood! #Influencer

Early morning sesh, cupcake.

Know this; Brewster Whitecaps OF Chris Lanzilli wears the loosest ballcap this side of Freddy Lynn.

That Wolfgang Van Halen album is pretty good!

I think the National Weather Service has a talk show you can call in to suck the dick of the hosts if you’re interested.

When the cool of the pond makes you drop down on it,
When the smell of the lawn makes you flop down on it,
When the teenage car gets the cop down on it,
That time is here for one more year;
And that summer feeling is gonna haunt you one day in your life.

I bet that Marshfield Fair acrobat wishes he took a mental health break! Get well soon.

Honk if you remeber the Sagamore Bridge rotary.

With Lamar Jackson testing positive for COVID-19, they are now going through the extensive process to confirm. He’ll obviously remain out until he clears.

Well it’s not like wilting under pressure let the Russian team win or anything.

Gill Incorporated Stong.

One of my lifelong goals was to bang out Kowloon for a show. Tonight’s the night.

Kokopelli is the flute petroglyph dude.

Is Happas hosting a weekend Gambling Tips Drag Brunch or something?

This is all YOUR fault for saying Simone is good at gymnastics!

Best bet for the weekend: non-telephoto lens pictures of players at training camp.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW users Canadian Soldier & Kingasaurus, and #the15, were used in this column. Close cover before striking.