Happy Columbus Day/Canadian Thanksgiving/Indigenous Peoples’ Day weekend to all who celebrate. If you’re NOT looking for something to do this weekend, make sure to check out the Fall Event Avoidance Generator. Otherwise make sure to dress warmly whilst you enjoy the foliage train.
Of course I’m having fun. Why do you ask?
SUNDAY TEA TIME Jaguars at Bears (-2) The Shaguars love playing in London.
Yeah Baby!
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Cardinals at Packers (-5) Meat men make mince-meat of pretty Red Birds.
Texans (-7) at Patriots Rod Rust will be one game closer to popping that heavenly champagne. 1-16 here we come!
They really needed the “Friday Funny” back in 1990
Buccaneers (-3.5) at Saints Hopefully this win will help the residents of Florida’s Gulf Coast heal.
Commanders at Ravens (-6.5) Black Birds fend off the Swamp Things.
Murderous Crows!
Browns at Eagles (-9) Predators over Sexual Predators.
Colts at Titans (-2.5) Will Levis is tanned and rested, and ready to lead the Titans to another loss.
Put me in, coach
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Chargers (-3) at Broncos Broncos bust Bolts.
Steelers (-3) at Raiders Rooneys rout Raiders.
Falcons (-6) at Panthers
It’s a shameful day in the community when the Black Cats lose to a bunch of birds.
Shame!
Lions (-3) at Cowboys Kings of the Beasts bests the ‘Boys
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Bengals (-3.5) at Giants Stripey Cats save their season by cutting the Giants down to size.
I can see East Rutherford from up here!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Bills (-2.5) at Jets The new coach bounce gets the Jets into a tie for first place in the pathetic AFC East
*Football Cat cannot be held responsible for any loss that maybe be incurred as a result of following the betting tips provided on this site. If you or someone you know has a sports betting or gambling problem, please call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit The National Council on Problem Gambling for more information and further assistance. In Massachusetts call 1-800-327-5050 (MA).
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The Immaculate Grid, Boston sports media edition. This week’s theme, Coach Jerod Mayo.
Current media members, regular or guest appearances are okay. There may only be one answer, and you can’t use anyone more than once. The15 merchandise (& other) prize giveaways will continue for the best solution!
Swayman had got his contract signed. Our short, regional nightmare is now over.
Thank God the Patriots made the Maye announcement on Tuesday. It would have been a shame if the Texans didn’t have a full week to prepare.
Be careful out there, Floridian friends.
Peppers has made $34MM in his career and rents an apartment in Braintree? He should be cut for that reason alone.
“Hey, can I ruin your photo?” – ‘Fitzy’
Luis Clemente Tiant Vega; taken from us too soon. Cigars and a crazy wind-up. He was called, ‘El Tiante’, which means, ‘The Tiante.’ Rest in peace, amigo.
Do the Mohegans have a legend about a wily Lynx defeating the Sun? Maybe they should.
It’s not Giancarlo’s fault! Bob Costas is basically what everyone always said Joe Buck is.
So the Manning’s spent time wondering if Matt Patricia had a special pencil that worked on a laminated play sheet? Another chess move by Bill.
Cakes are cooking for Nona Hendryx, Jackson Browne, Brian Downing, Richard Chaves, Sharon Osbourne, Tony Shalhoub, James Fearnley, John O’Hurley, Scott Bakula, Don Garber, Ini Kamoze, Michael Paré, Mike Singletary, Trevor Matich, Guillermo del Toro, Dwayne Sabb, Polly Jean Harvey, Annika Sorenstam, Kenny Anderson, Brandon Pollard, Dexter McCleon, Steve Burns, Sean Lennon, Nick Swardson, Brian Roberts, Henrik Zetterberg, Marie Kondo, Jacob Batalon, and Ben Shelton.
Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Wood Island.
I just got beeped at in drive thru line at Doughboy. It’s rather concerning if the general public no longer understands the concept of a drive thru line.
It’s almost like choosing as Belichick’s heir apparent a man whose post-playing career talent ceiling is ‘casino greeter at Plainridge’ was a bad idea.
Veal Parm is the greatest of Parms for Subs.
Hey gang of incurable romantics, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Everyone knows that the portion of the brain used for critical thinking is markedly less developed in women, honey.”
I’m fine with it not being tonight and surprised Goldberg wasn’t getting that Saudi check versus Gunther, but you gotta pull the trigger on Sami, Great matches with Gunther, Cody, Roman all as challenger. The Sami Hogan shit is corny. Put the belt on him in the next 12 months
It’s 2024, don’t get offended if I tell you i won’t eat your dish made with Rao’s or Ragu jarred sauce. it’s not that serious. I don’t like it, you cannot change my mind. I am sure you are a wonderful cook. it’s not personal
First they came for William Bendetson, and I said nothing…
Someone should ask Mayo if he knows he can make these decisions without consulting the press.
I have a peck of apples to eat from last weekend!
What do you call “imposter syndrome” when it’s not a syndrome?
Tasing is lame. Just shoot him.
Vegans and people from Texas; They’re going to shoehorn that fact into every conversation in any way that they can.
Look, he’s crawling up my wall. Black and hairy, very small. Now he’s up above my head. Hanging by a little thread.
Boris the spider. Boris the spider.
Now he’s dropped on to the floor Heading for the bedroom door. Maybe he’s as scared as me. Where’s he gone now, I can’t see.
Boris the spider. Boris the spider.
Just when I thought D daddy bald daddy NBA champion daddy White couldn’t be any cooler. I need this hoodie of him tucking in Tatum’s best friend the Larry O’Brien Trophy into bed immediately
The world does need Rat Shovelers.
The Kraft’s have their team back. It’s an awful, irrelevant team, but hey, it’s theirs!
Honk if you remember Dean Smith.
When the Red Wings fans throw an octopus onto the ice, the team either needs to have a player leave the ice or they get called for a too many men penalty.
Joe Kelly is the modern Moe Drabowsky.
Yaaaaa Sully … Mayo’s got a plan, kid, yaaaaaaaaa!
A: Nothing, she’s already been told twice.
Few things are more annoying than when the referees constantly delay the game by making unnecessary “Delay of Game” calls. Hold up the game 20 seconds because the snap was a half-second late.
Drake Maye’s lifelong dream is about to come true and Greg Dickerson thinks he should be depressed.
Best bet for the weekend: someone earns their True Yankee pinstripes.
Where did Mayo get these captain’s patches, Needful Things?
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Creepy, crawly, creepy creepy crawly crawly.
Happy Birthday to The L Word actress Erin Daniels.
“Right now, they’re teetering on a mutiny in that locker room.”
Yesterday, during the broadcast of the ‘Catch-22’ podcast on the Patriots Podcast Network, (a part of the actual ‘Patriots Media Cartel’) Senior Reporter Evan Lazar offered his assessment of the tenor of the team’s mental state:
Right now, they’re teetering on a mutiny in that locker room. And I don’t want to be alarmist or like hyper, what’s the word? (Co-host Alex Barth: “Hyperbolic?”) I don’t want to speak for, yeah, hyperbolic, thank you, I don’t but I was in that locker room after the game on Sunday; the defense is mad at the defense, the offense is mad at the offense, you have young receivers who are literally throwing tantrums on film in Pop Douglas and Ja’Lynn Polk, and good on Pop Douglas owning that this weekend and kind of saying he’s got to be better and all that kinda stuff but I said this before and I’ll say it again you’re at the point now with 52 other guys in that locker room that all watch these two quarterbacks practice every single day and all know that they drafted Drake Maye 3rd overall and at what point in time do some of these guys say to themselves, “Why am I going out there and getting my butt kicked every single Sunday and Drake can’t? Like what am I going out there with the quarterback who can’t get me the football when we have the Ferrari back in the garage that can get me the football but I’m supposed to, I’m Ja’Lynn Polk and I’m supposed to go run every single route as hard as I can and I’m supposed to lay it all out there?’
A leader of men. Learned the ropes on HMS Optum.
Not a difficult scene to picture for a team that had lost their previous three games after winning their season opener under rookie Head Coach Jerod Mayo. But then something odd occurred:
Earlier today @ezlazar reportedly said the Patriots are "teetering on a mutiny in that locker room.” I was watching the podcast looking for that part, paused it for a minute, and then got this: pic.twitter.com/k2MIbrrnKQ
When the podcast audio had been restored, any reference to ‘mutiny’ had been removed. This had the counterproductive effect of drawing attention to the podcast and the discontent in the locker room. A classic example of the Streisand Effect.
Nice house, Babs.
Audio is still up on Apple and Spotify. It’s from the 57:30 mark. They scrubbed out the part where Lazar called it a mutiny. Funny stuff. pic.twitter.com/AdBEqDTj1p
After this unfortunate gaffe, Evan was doubtless summoned to a meeting with the higher ups:
And after a brief yet productive struggle session, he cheerfully recanted any statements that could be seen as deleterious to the image of the Patriots organizations one big happy collaborative enterprise:
“I got carried away. There is no mutiny in the locker room. I am being treated well. I have been given a blanket. The Red Cross will visit me soon with letters from my family.”
“It’s a dang mutanty!”
I will let this summarize our position on the matter, and give IH the last word:
I am struggling to think of anything more damning than an organization worth ~$10B overreacting to an in-house employee's throwaway line on a podcast no one listens to by scrubbing the audio after it's been released just to create a larger problem.
More wins than losses Week 4. How many more? Exactly enough, wise guy. Week Five:
(Bye week teams: Pumas, Plugs, Phils, & Pontoons)
SUNDAY TEA TIME Jets vs Vikings (-2.5) Biggest Viking defeat in England since the Battle of Stamford Bridge back in 1066.
Wot wot?
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Panthers at Bears (-4) Black Panthers haven’t partied like this since the days of Bobby Seale and Huey Newton.
You dig?
Ravens (-2.5) at Bengals Stripey cats take down scary black birds.
Bills (-1) at Texans Tatanka topple Texans.
Sorry ’bout that pardner.
Colts at Jaguars (-3) Spotted cats will need to leave the country to find a win.
Dolphins at Patriots (-1) Mayo’s mutineers drop Coach Drip.
I’ll take any mutineers nose and hang them by the highest yard marker!
Browns at Commanders (-3) Mystical fairy men get bogged down in the Maryland malarial swamp.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Raiders at Broncos (-3) What do you call a giant hill made of kittens? A meow-tain! (Try the veal, tip your waitresses and take Denver.)
erk!
Cardinals at 49ers (-7.5) Purrrdy feasts on pretty Red Birds.
Packers (-3.5) at Rams Meat men master muttons.
Giants at Seahawks (-6) Fake Sea Birds sasquatch the Giants
Is that BSJ’s John Karalis?
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Cowboys at Steelers (-2.5) Men of Steel win the Super Bowl X, XIII, and XXX rematches!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Saints at Chiefs (-5) After KC wins they will have successfully completed the first quarter of their inevitable march to a perfect season/three-peat.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Too many, too soon, no more Super Sky Points please!
It’s okay, Pete Rose only bet on himself to make 84.
Like two minutes into his first game and I’m already sick of all the Bruins skirts calling Zadorov, “Zaddy.”
WHO WANTS TO FAWCETT MUTOMBO!?
Jerod Mayo doesn’t have a plan, “Eliot and I” have a plan. That rat fuck mentions “Elliot” more than E.T.
For what it’s worth, I hoped that the Red Sox won Game 162 if only so Joe Castiglione can call a win in his final game. Call me sentimental, but that matters more to me than a draft pick.
Those 30 million Pete Rose-signed baseballs just went up $.03 in value.
Have to wonder if Chris Sale’s psychosomatic back spasms are a result of guilt surfacing from his subconscious about how much money he’s stolen.
Cakes are cooking for Dick Barnett, Don McLean, Skip Konte, Avery Brooks, Donna Karan, Annie Liebovitz, Michael Rutherford, Bill Elliott, Sting, Lorraine Bracco, Philip Oakey, Gordie Roberts, Glenn Anderson, Mark Rypien, Sheila Echols, Floyd “Bud” Gaugh, Eddie Guardado, Kelly Ripa, Tiffany, Aaron McKie, Lene Nystrøm, Paul Teutul Jr, Tyson Chandler, Phil Kessel, Ricky Stenhouse Jr, and Brittany Howard.
This postseason, MLB should replace John Smoltz with Tom Hardy doing the Bane voice for one inning and *not* explain it at all, just having him call the game straight up.
I still have no fucking clue what Dirty Water TV actually is. But I love that they only hire shameless whores.
AHL jobbers taking runs at real NHL players in fake games. Smdh.
Notice that a hurricane never *moves* toward land, or *races* toward land; they always *barrel.* Not sure how that became the go-to word.
Green Line Update: Shuttle buses will continue to replace service today between North Station and Medford/Tufts & Union Sq. Union Sq. riders can use bus routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line.
With all the love shown to Joe Castiglione this year, you’d think WEEI’s ratings would be better than they are.
Joey Slye could be your kicker for the next 10 years…
Hey gang of useless Hufflepuffs, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Wands up tonight my fellow Potterheads.”
RC-celeb, people glom on to anything for a shred of notoriety. Radio call-in guest has to be lower than starring in an anal warts cream commercial.
Hard to believe Wakey has been gone a year now.
Orange Line: Trains may travel at reduced speeds or stand by at stations while maintenance personnel conduct track inspections near Haymarket.
Does anyone know how old Alabama WR Ryan Williams is?
Shohei this year might be a Level-1 MVP season, whereas Dick Groat in 1960 or Jim Konstanty in 1950 are like. ..well, they had to give the award to somebody, I guess. Level 10 MVPs.
Everyone hated ESPN’s Christian Yelich in-game interview.
Every time I see bicyclists while driving now, I think of Johnny and Matthew Gaudreau. They should still be here.
Wait, actors have imposter syndrome? Isn’t that their job?
NESN ‘borrowed’ the MSG feed to honor Sam Rosen who has been calling games since 1984 and is retiring at the end of the season you clueless slob. At least that what I heard!
In a couple of days we should learn how much his injury settlement lowered Armon Watts’ cap number of $2,169,765.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia has big shoes to fill in taking over for Jeff Trundy as manager of the Falmouth Commodores in the Cape Cod Baseball League next summer.
No, you give me $5!
Dame Maggie Smith, RIP. Always thought she was the Penguin in The Blues Brothers but that was Kathleen Freeman.
Dirty Water TV is like the early ‘90’s Simpsons writers’ room for braindead whores.
Jerod Mayo says it is “definitely under consideration” that RB Antonio Gibson starts over Rhamondre Stevenson on Sunday after Stevenson has fumbled in each of the first four games.
Seventy-three men sailed up From the San Francisco Bay. Rolled off of their ship, and here’s what they had to say; “We’re callin’ everyone to ride along to another shore. We can laugh our lives away and be free once more.”
But no one heard them callin’ No one came at all. ‘Cause they were too busy watchin’ those old raindrops fall. As a storm was blowin’ out on the peaceful sea, Seventy-three men sailing off to history
Ride, captain ride upon your mystery ship. Be amazed at the friends you have here on your trip. Ride captain ride upon your mystery ship. On your way to a world that others might have missed.
I was blessed to see Addams Family Values on tv. Raul Julia was a master actor. I miss him so much.
Castiglione has been a leading Clemens propagandist for decades.
I can’t believe they went to a mini pride rally and a WNBA Playoff game broke out!
Every white dude ends up looking like a lesbian eventually.
ESPN keeping Kendrick Perkins over Zach Lowe might be worse than when the Sixers kept Tobias Harris over Jimmy Butler.
Honk if you remember Steve Sabol.
Can October be scripted? It’s tempting to say yes, but I say no.
Had a dream last night that DeVonta Smith was on the New England Patriots. No idea what year it was.
Jerry Tarkanian must be spinning in his grave seeing UNLV failing to pay players.
“At least Rashee Rice went out doing what he loved. Ending a drive with a horrible collision and immediately leaving the scene.” -Brandon Carney
Does Boston College play John Ashcroft’s ‘Let the Eagle Soar’ after football games? Well they should.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory reminds me of baseball. There were the awful kids who were there for the wrong reasons, and there was Charlie, who just loved candy. Maybe it’s childish, but baseball needs owners who are Charlie’s, not Veruca Salt’s & Mike TeaVee’s.
Is ‘Center’ an important position in football? Because it sounds important.
Red sox may or may not increase payroll, may or may not increase ticket prices, may or may not miss the playoffs again next season. Super. Good press conference.
A happy Rosh Hashanah to all my friends who celebrate.
Spike Lee pretend to be a Liberty fan now?
Best bet for the weekend: Pats going to get their teeth kicked in by a man named ‘Snoop’.
Less than ideal.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Come And Get Your Love.
October Fundraising Drive – If you have been a loyal reader of the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, thank you. Or maybe you are taking Football Cat’s betting advice? Or perhaps you enjoyed the 2024 Local Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the articles investigating our local sports media, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, if so, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free and comes due mid-month. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks for reading.
Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Saints at Falcons (-2.5) When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.
Rams at Bears (-3) LA wins the Second City Bowl.
Not the Hollywood hills. Probably.
Vikings at Packers (-2.5) The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.
Steelers (-2) at Colts Go Horse.
Go Horse!!!
Broncos at Jets (-7.5) New York nixes Nix
Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers American birds soar over soggy field conditions.
Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.
Achtung: Panzer!
Jaguars at Texans (-6) Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.
Zzzzz
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5) Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.
Patriots at 49ers (-10) Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.
Browns at Raiders (-2) Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.
TCB.
Chiefs (-7) at Chargers Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.
Wait, what?
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Bills at Ravens (-2.5) Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.
MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME Titans at Dolphins (-1) Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.
Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies
MONDAY PROWLTIME Seahawks at Lions (-3.5) Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Any time you can needlessly accelerate your coaching succession plan by two years you have to do it.
The best NFL broadcasts come from the website where I buy $3 knockoff USB chargers that may or may not catch fire.
Anyone who used “Woj Bomb” unironically is an asshole.
I’ve thought about starting my day watching the Vince McMahon documentary. But not sure I have it in me this early.
It’s not a rivalry if the same side keeps winning!.
Is it me or is there a ton of injuries already this NFL season?
Major Red Sox uniform news: The Red Sox will unveil a City Connect 2.0 uniform in 2025 and will no longer wear their blue alternate jerseys. Given the popularity of the yellow uniforms, they have elected to keep it as a core uniform offering for the foreseeable future.
Cakes are cooking for Michael Douglas, Gil Morgan, Cheryl Tiegs, Anson Williams, Pedro Almodovar, Burleigh Drummond, Mark Hamill, Bob McAdoo, Jimmy Garvin, Jamie Hyneman, Michael Madsen, Scottie Pippen, Will Smith, Catherine Zeta-Jones, David Weathers, Dean Ween, Doug Pelfrey, John Lynch, Bridgette Wilson, Matt Hasselbeck, Chauncey Billups, Rocco Baldelli, Jason Bergmann, Van Hansis, and Cade Cunningham.
What does it say about Emerald Square that a herd of bulls at a carnival there couldn’t get out of the place fast enough?
‘Mirror in the Slideshow ‘ sounds like a Taylor Swift album title.
Tatum gets shit on for everything he does but tattooing a picture of yourself onto your back is wild.
One cheer for the 2024 Red Sox for refusing to quit now despite having previously quit a whole bunch of times.
On Saturday, September 28 only, Red Line Braintree Branch diversion will be expanded to include Ashmont Branch. This allows crews to take advantage of construction equipment in the area to remove a speed restriction on Ashmont Branch.
Should I invest in one entity that historically has never lost money or should I invest in the other entity that has rehab programs akin to alcoholism and drug abuse?
Looks like Mercury Morris’s perfect record of being alive is finally over.
Local 26 Hotel Workers putting on a good display outside the Omni Hotel the last couple days. They’ve had people holding the line overnight. Love a good picket line.
Oh no, Old Friend Trent Brown strained his left fat.
Minority position, I know, but Tanner Houck needs a pitch count like a turtle needs a microphone. In the last two years he has been taken out of countless games when he was pitching great. What he needs is a manager who will tell him “Keep pitching; you’re doing great.”
I’m sorry, Jey Uso is popular, but he isn’t Jeff Hardy popular.
“Wheel of Fortune” puzzles went from ‘Alice In Wonderland’ to ‘Say homes, how’s it hangin’, bruh?’.
You’re right, Bill Belichick sucks. Let the fat fucking deli loser handle things.
Bulletin, Bulletin, Bulletin!!! The semi-functional Shohei Ohtani is piling on. He now is 6/6 with 3 HR, 2 SB and 10 RBI. We’re not worthy.
Hey gang of the marginally employed, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, ‘Settle down, you fat retard, and go get Adam Jones his Ensure.”
I’m following Depeche Mode on Twittah. Not sure when that happened.
Darnold appears to have escaped an initial injury scare. Massive collective sigh of relief from the 612.
Reiss is only 5’2″–are we sure he can carry that much water?
Fun fact: Today has exactly 12 hours of daylight.
Make a wish baby Well and I will make it come true Make a list baby Of the things I’ll do for you Ain’t no risk now In lettin’ my love rain down on you So we could wash away the past So that we may start anew…
O’Brien and Youk talking endlessly about hot dogs? Make it stop.
Jrue might also have a tattoo of himself on his back. But how would we know?
Honk if you remember Miss Jean.
Dickie V has so much radiation in him they should call him Chernobyl.
Those Emerald Square bulls were five years too late to ransack the Skycrepers kitchen.
THE BUTCHIE isn’t real and cannot hurt you.
Have we lost perspective on what torn cartilage in your rib cage must feel like?
With the loss of the Athletics, there will be even less there there in Oakland as there was previous.
News Item: Brad Marchand has shed his red noncontact jersey for Bruins practice.
The Padres are the first team in MLB history to turn a triple play to end a game on the day they clinched a postseason berth. Only in baseball, Danny.
Rescue: Hi Surf cancelled yet?
Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox do not win eight in a row and get right back in it.
“So, uh, how bout those bulls in ah, North Attleboro? Didja see that? That chain link fence was more porous, no, er, it was less effective in stopping, erk, them than the Patriots O-Line! Ha. Speaking of steers, try the teriyaki beef skewers. My son is a Marine.“
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Pick Up The Pieces.
Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Giants at Browns (-6.5) If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.
Bears at Colts (-1.5) Colts clobber Caleb.
Alliteration! Awesome!
Texans (-2) at Vikings Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.
Eagles at Saints (-2.5) American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.
Chargers at Steelers (-1.5) One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.
French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!
Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5) Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.
Packers at Titans (-2.5) Pack men gobble up tits.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Panthers at Raiders (-5) Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!
firework noises!
Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5) Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.
Lions (-3) at Cardinals Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.
Ravens (-1) at Cowboys Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.
49ers (-6.5) at Rams Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Chiefs (-3) at Falcons Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.
MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME Jaguars at Bills (-5) Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.
WHO ARE YOU TANKING FOR???
MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL
Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)
Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.
America loves a good story, fraught with adversity and culminating with redemption. Rising above the obstacles to accomplish something greater and to etch yourself in history for eternity. Redemption used to be the most illuminating part of an illustrious career. Bill Russell in 1968, Magic Johnson in 1985, LeBron in 2012. Athletes soaring to new heights after falling to their lowest point. The old veteran regaining his past glory. The face of the franchise haunted by humiliation comes back to put his demons to bed. The villain cutting through the chorus of boos to achieve what’s eluded him. What follows these moments of triumph is a reckoning from the detractors. A begrudging respect is formed, then admiration that drowns the voices of the past. Any remaining dissenters calling Magic Johnson “Tragic” or LeBron James a choke artist are, like Hiroo Onoda, hiding in the woods fighting a battle that long ago was loss.
Today it is considered incidental whether the script gets flipped. What was written will remain. In an era where you have superstars in various small markets, the allure of bigger markets is dimmer, yet you’ll find more animus for them rather than admiration. What is worse? To be hated or viewed with apathy? The Denver Nuggets won the title, the most team centric championship since the 1977 Portland Trail Blazers. Nikola Jokic dismantled Kevin Durant and LeBron with startling ease, playing like a 6’10 Larry Bird, acting as the fulcrum for a watch making sure all the pieces inside mesh together in perfect harmony. We used to celebrate pureness in basketball, promote team-friendly organizations that did not have the superstar who needed every little thing catered to them. But instead, they were treated with apathy and the immediate demand they’d do it again. Denver fans could only seek validation in their small, niche communities while outsiders glorified the opponents they slain.
A year later the narrative shifted away from anointing the team they collectively yawned at when they won the first time and searched high and low for a team to crown anyone but the league’s best. Players went through the superstar car wash, long exposés, and podcast segments dedicated to Anthony Edwards as if it was possible for a team to win the title when their best player is 22. The building up of stars only to tear them down and by the time they do climb the mountain all you remember is the negative moments.
(The only champion not subjected to this cruelty is the Kansas City Chiefs. Who, unlike their New England Patriots dynastic counterparts never face media scrutiny or fan fatigue. Just last month Patrick Mahomes threw a behind the back pass in a preseason game that awed fans. The Chiefs are lionized, their opponents serving as mere fodder and built up solely to heighten their sacrifice for the glory of the one true franchise.)
In the Era of The Hater, they must pick one or two instances where they do not hate to maximize the effect of hating while online. To contrast and compare, to trigger fans by demanding their favorite reach expectations one cannot possibility reach. Mahomes and LeBron are the gold standard and anyone else is mincemeat. Even as the NBA moves away from the LeBron era into one defined by parity it is still a stretch for many to accept many players have passed near 40-year-old superstar. To say you prefer a 26-year-old Jayson Tatum who plays every game, fresh off 3 straight First-Team All-NBAs and just won the title is considered asinine.
Good for you, Andrew.
We are in an era where the past effectively never dies and to even entertain a fresh new face could take over for an old one many take as a personal affront. The idea there is a future beyond the present, that a main player from our lives is somewhat replaceable is something this generation never had to face. There are no more movie stars, but brands. Brands last forever.
When you’re LeBron you’re not just a famous athlete like Dr. J or Magic or Bird. You’re a brand. No different from Microsoft, or Disney.The modern stars in basketball today will never come close to attaining this status and for that they’ll suffer. Generations of fans grew up idolizing Michael Jordan and thanks to the internet never have to let go. LeBron fans can continuously relive the glory days, have plenty of material to keep them sedated whenever the end does come, and will use him as a cudgel against players for at least fifty years.
One of the crowning moments of LeBron’s career was winning his first championship. Coming off the heels of The Decision and the 2011 season, in a gentler time the notion of a small market superstar leaving to join a bigger market to play with his best friends revolted us. Then he went to the Olympics, played on the greatest U.S basketball team and led them to the Gold as their best player. The summer of 2012 was the Summer of LeBron! Glowing headline after glowing headline. Segments not highlighting his failures, only lauding his accomplishments with promises of more to come.
Fast forward twelve years later and it’s become apparent fans and media aren’t geared to treat someone as a champion when they won one. Tatum’s career is one long story defined by overachieving when you consider the circumstances he was in. Rookie season, playing on a team missing two max salary players heading into the playoffs, out-dueled Giannis Antetokounmpo and Joel Embiid. Then went toe-to-toe with LeBron in a seven-game set. Yet, all the buzz was around LeBron and for a brief moment it seemed Boston would win everyone collectively shrugged. It’s just not the NBA Finals if LeBron isn’t in it. Tatum was viewed as a casualty, not as an up and comer.
Then 2019 is a disaster, the deck is reshuffled and he’s recast from main player to bit role. 2020 in a year where the Celtics lost Kyrie Irving and Al Horford in free agency, Tatum cobbled together his first All-NBA season and brought a Celtics team with Gordon Hayward on one leg, Kemba Walker on no legs, and his centers are Daniel Theis and Enes Kanter to within two-games of crashing the finals.
Skip ahead two years later he goes on his best individual stretch from January to finish the 2022 campaign, out duels Kevin Durant, Giannis (again), gets revenge on Miami, but runs out of gas in the finals versus Golden State. The takeaway was “they’ll never make it back” and labeled as choke artist for not beating a dynasty when no one picked Boston over them.
After all the narratives, negative headlines and braindead tweets, the Celtics have finally obtained what can’t be taken away from them… and it feels like it’s being taken away from them? How? More importantly, why? Why aren’t can’t we celebrate a championship team with a fresh, young face anymore? We did it with Giannis in 2021 and have looked the other way as he hasn’t even reached round three since. Hater culture can forgive that, but not Tatum making five conference finals in seven seasons? Both won a title. You can say both relied on their co-star (which isn’t an insult), yet we memory hole how awesome Khris Middleton was in the 2021 playoffs, and found some way to both lionize Jaylen Brown’s 2024 while not giving him any credit either.
Tatum outplayed who is largely seen as the third best player in the world in Luka Doncic, then went to the Olympics and won his second gold medal and comes back to the States ridiculed? This can read like sour grapes, but I’m more befuddled than I am annoyed. “He’s only the SIXTH best player in the league!” is a real insult I’ve seen thrown around. What is used as insults and just accepted as valid criticisms is asinine to imagine as discourse ten-years ago.
It’s likely the Celtics won’t repeat as champions, as it’s difficult to have everything go right for you in a sport where if one thing goes wrong your season is effectively over. The 2024 Celtics are anomalous in that regard, as they loss Kristaps Porzingis on two occasions and still ended up winning the title. No team before them won a title without their third best player. Yet, that’s never mentioned as a feather in Tatum’s cap. The injuries other teams suffered only matter.
If by this time next year, the Celtics have secured Banner 19, it’ll be the most impressive repeat by a champion team ever. For now, the most dominant repeat championship team is arguably the 2001 Lakers. But that era of the NBA was weak. It’s just that team was too good to properly use the shallow talent pool as a way to nick them. But for teams to repeat when the talent pool was deep, the 1988 Lakers and 1992 Bulls sit on top. But the hypothetical 2025 Celtics wouldn’t be that far behind. And even if that happens, on top of Tatum making a fourth consecutive First Team All-NBA, wins the championship and the series MVP, the hating will continue because we are now married to our takes more than ever.
I bet the haters hate this.
Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does notlive in North Haverbrook.
