The 15

Maybe wait until the Celtics stop moving to strap them to the table and start doing an autopsy of their season?

Happy for Bruce Cassidy landing on his feet.

Know what people historically want to spend money on during a recession? A streaming app featuring a 4th place baseball team and a hockey squad looking at a rebuild.

So what is it: you people actually want another Fitzy? No. You want The 15 on that wall. You need us on that wall.

The U.S. Open being played at The Country Club is a nascent Abbott and Costello skit.

If the NBA is gonna take its officiating cues from pro wrestling, then I say the C’s hit the Warriors with an International Object when the officials aren’t looking.

Cakes are cooking for Dusty Baker, Jim Belushi, Wade Boggs, Helen Hunt, Cedric Pioline, Abdur Razzak, and Cooper Kupp.

Break up the Yankees! Ha ha ha. No, really; Break up the Yankees. And then give their little league stadium the Carthage treatment.

Sorry, I’ve been building a pergola.

Wrong chat. I’m an asshole.

Red Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a train with a mechanical problem at Harvard. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations or be crossed back for service.

Taylor Swift is such a skank and I love every second of it.

Palm trees have been planted in the Boston Public Garden for the summer.

Billerica now clearly needs to annex the Market Basket on the Middlesex Turnpike in Burlington to restore the number in town to three.

Hey gang of one that sees burner accounts every which where, this week’s Phrase that Pays is ‘I don’t have a fat nose and it’s not what would be considered big by nose’s standards.’

Lightning or Avalanche? Meh.

Drake? He sounds like an old GPS with all the Melodyne.

No season where your team keeps the Nets, the Timberwolves, and the Heat from continuing further in the Playoffs can be considered a failure.

No shame in losing to Stanford in college baseball, UConn.

A hard-earned draw versus Costa Rica playing in the agua for the USMNT in CONCACAF or ECOMCON or whatever.

Just what professional athletes want, ordinary, average-looking nobodies.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life.

American Honda will voluntarily recall 1,093 Honda Passport and Pilot vehicles from the 2019-2020 model years in the United States to inspect each vehicle’s tires to determine if it has been recalled by the manufacturer, and if a recalled tire is found, replace it for free. No related crashes or injuries have been reported in relation to this issue.

Refsnyder? That’s your name? Nah, what was it before you changed it?

Honk if you remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn’t know anything about her private life. We didn’t want to know anything about her private life. She didn’t have a private life.

Bill Walton should be in a Sullivan Tire commercial.

How many of you are old enough to remember before Sonic Booms were regulated/controlled. You’d be walking along or, God forbid, hanging off a ladder, and all of a sudden there would be a boom loud enough stun you for a second. It’s the kind of little history that gets lost.

The Saints RFA WR/Returner Deonte Harty (on the 2nd round RFA tender), will report to minicamp this week, but the sides remain apart on a contract and nothing is imminent.

Cape League baseball action has commenced.

Rich Strike deserved to come in sixth at the Belmont for skipping the Preakness. There; I said it.

Is there any history of the Celtics winning games Six and Seven?

Quinn Nordin is gone. And there was nothing we could do about it.

Jim Murray’s schtick makes a lot more sense when you realize he’s been a gigantic fucking loser his entire life.

Best bet for the weekend: Microwaved Mac and Cheese.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Shut your eyes and sing to me.

Celtics would have a 2-1 lead in this NBA Finals if that one loss in SF didn’t count as two. Sad!

Surging Red Sox claim final Wild Card spot!!

Sorry Coach Cassidy, but Sweeney wasn’t about to fire himself.

You aren’t a parody account if you make up nonsense “rumors” and try to “attribute” them to an actual reporter. You’re just a jerk. It’s not funny and it creates distrust in the reporters trying to do their actual jobs.

So wait. Now there’s an Apple TV PLUS?!?!? I miss 1980.

Free Betsy Griner.

Solid plan to let the Garden fans know they got to ya.

Cakes are cooking for Dave Parker, Aaron Sorkin, Johnny Depp, Tony Martino, Tedy Bruschi, Peja Stojakovic, and Natalie Portman.

Nothing good happens after a 30 pack of Natty Light shows up.

Matt Patricia will never be able to switch the side of the ball he coaches, but any Patriots football writer can easily become a hoops expert as long as the Celtics are playing.

Will Shelby Scott’s casket lie in state outside Scituate Light? She was 86. Rest in peace.

In the United States, American Honda will voluntarily recall 212 Honda CR-V vehicles from the 2020 model year to replace their fuel tanks, for free. An internal component of the fuel tank may break loose inside the tank and block the float mechanism that signals fuel level to the meter, incorrectly indicating the amount of fuel in the tank. This defect may lead to a vehicle unexpectedly running out of fuel and stalling while driving, increasing the risk of a crash. No crashes or injuries have been reported in relation to this issue.

I miss wiffleball.

Felicia Sonmez may be a humorless scold but she was right about Kobe.

Would love it if Fenway Sports Group could get Gary U.S. Bonds to play at our lyric little bandbox.

I have rarely used a fly swatter over the last ten years, but at my new office I have flies. I am appalled to see how much my fly-swatting skills have deteriorated over the last ten years.

Kerr must be Kerrncerned – Gabz, probably.

Hey gang of deposition fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “In fairness, hose is a great term.”

No one likes the Islanders.

Rockport Line Train 107 (11:13 am from Montserrat) is expected to depart from Montserrat 10-20 minutes behind schedule due to the late arrival of equipment caused by a switch issue.

When the phone don’t ring, it’s Felger & Mazz not calling, Greg.

PGA playing hardball with the LIV defectors.

“Dray’s wife’s a whore” would be pretty funny crowd chat to hear Friday.

Aaron Donald gets a bag of flowers or whatever the term is? He got pushed around like a shopping cart in the Super Bowl against NE. I don’t get it.

David. Allan. Boucher.

You’re a fucking weirdo if manager firings get you ‘horned up.’ There; I said it.

UConn/Stanford live from Sunken Diamond Saturday!

Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.

Honk if you remember Bobby Valentine.

Ravens coach John Harbaugh tells reporters that QB Lamar Jackson is expected to be at minicamp. “I fully expect him to come back in great shape.”

You made me promises, promises
You knew you’d never keep
Promises, promises
Why do I believe?

Arm in arm we laughed like kids

At all the silly things we did
But you can’t finish what you start
If this is love it breaks my heart

Try to fill more inside straights in video poker! You can’t!

Who does Lefty like in the Belmont?

Had a very heavy day. A couple fake journalists stuffed me in a locker about the accuracy of an article that doesn’t exist. I somehow lost.

Was a Samsquanch trying to break into the Entitled Town recording studio the other night?

Poor Genius Joe Madden. And poor interim manager Phil Nevin, who now has to undo all the wacky stunts Joe planned to motivate his team out of their losing streak. Disinvite the mariachi band for batting practice, contact the zoo and tell them they won’t be needing penguins to release into the clubhouse, and so on.

Adam Silver looks like he glows in the dark.

Does Stephen Belichick have a Christmas tree set up in his house in June?

There’s something intrinsically cruel about starving yourself thin only to turn into a Don Knotts lookalike.

Warriors seem raddled.

Best bet for the weekend; sit on a porch with friends and reminisce about the Blizzard of ’78.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW posters Coma and Hacksaw, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Always something there to remind me.

America is not ready for another Boston team to win a championship. At all.

Any time you get a chance to leave the Patriots beat to cover a perpetual cellar-dwelling Rust Belt NHL franchise you have to take it. Aloha means ‘goodbye’ Matthew Fairburn. Aloha.

Shoulder inflammation for Barnes? 15 Day IL? Earache my eye!

Man, I sure could have gone for some nice gelato two days ago, Tuesday.

The euro soccer team supporter/Boston sports fan lunatic shoepisser corollary remains unbeaten.

I had no idea Orientals could be so hard-core about gambling, right Joc Pederson?

Marcus Ericsson? That’s a hockey name, not a motorsports name. Congrats on winning the Indy 500 regardless.

NESN 360? Well, I guess NESN+ was already in use.

I’m gonna crush a good lunch and then I can already tell I’m going to take an epic nap.

Cakes are cooking for Gary Bettman, Dennis Haysbert, Kevin Feige, Morena Baccarin, Sergio Agüero, and Freddy Adu.

Love more people with all your heart.

Green Line Update: Shuttle buses replace service between Lechmere and North Station with service suspended between there and Park Street. Passengers can use the Orange Line to connect to the Blue Line at State and the Red Line at Downtown Crossing.

Blue Line Update: Trains will continue to bypass Government Center until further notice. Please use Bowdoin or State Street for alternate service.

You see, because CNN+ was a going concern for about a month?

Major league baseball would be much cooler if, when a player breaks his bat, the bat boy brings him a roll of electrician’s tape and makes him tape it back together.

NY Rangers won their Iran/Iraq matchup.

American Honda will voluntarily recall 279 Acura RDX (2021) and Honda CR-V Hybrid (2022) vehicles in the United States to replace the front left or right driveshaft, for free. Certain incorrectly manufactured front driveshafts may be subject to premature internal wear, which could cause a vehicle to lose motive power to the front wheels or to roll unexpectedly while in park without use of the parking brake. Both potential scenarios could increase the risk of a crash. Honda has not received any in-market warranty claims or reports of crash or injury related to this issue, which was discovered during quality inspections at the driveshaft supplier.

Hey gang of cord cutters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is ‘carriage issues.”

No, I do not have to give Jimmy flowers.

How is NESN 360 not priced at an even $34 to honor Big Papi? Another terrible misunderstanding!

Pluots!

Yes, yes, Al Horford, first NBA Finals, blah blah blah; I’m happiest for Payton Pritchard. What?

People who self-report to Old Takes Exposed are the worst.

Anyone else think there should be a no “Yankees suck” chant rule at Fenway until the Red Sox are either A) .500 or better and/or B) Within double-digit games of the Yankees in the standings? Been saying this for years. Also when the Sox are losing in pathetic fashion. And most importantly, when the Yankees aren’t even here, it’s such embarrassing behavior.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
Everything that’s wonderful is what I feel when we’re together,
Brighter than a lucky penny,
When you’re near the rain cloud disappears, dear,
And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.
My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows,
That’s how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!

Minty was exactly right about Lando Norris finishing in the top six at Monaco.

How can you be banned from the parade?

Why was the storyline Miami almost staged a comeback and not Boston leading on the road the entire game? Oh, right.

The new Pride flag needs more chevrons.

Marion Barber is a must-sit in all fantasy formats going forward. RIP.

Bill Russell is happy for Johnny Depp, probably.

Best of luck to the Springfield Thunderbirds in their playoffs versus Laval Rocket.

Honk if you remember Fancred.

Said it before, but that Finnish Prime Minster seems like a good time.

No Van Gundy and possibly no Breen? Good. I hope they get monkeypox, too.

More like NESN .460 winning percentage, amirite?

I completely forgot to watch that stupid golf match thing! Drat!

Entitled Town will return.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox winning the matchup against Oakland.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, @Gstill45, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Misty watercolor memories.

Upton Bell still Call the holiday Decoration Day. Admiral Dewey Once gave Bert Bell a Commendation For bravery. Bert Bell is Upton’s father.

Last longer, Johnny Depp trial!

Jason Tatum is First Team All-NBA for no other reason than there can’t be 2 players from the same position on the All-NBA team.

Don’t look now, but your Big Swingin’ Red Sox have crept within only ten games out of first place!

Daniel Theis looks like he’s from Malden.

Cakes are cooking for Mike Myers, Stefka Kostadinova, Bill Haselman, Ruthie Bolton, Natalie Schneyder, Cillian Murphy, Brian Urlacher, and Aly Raisman.

Uodate: Emergency cake cooking for The Great Kid David Pastrňák as well.

Blue horseshoe loves crypto.

Get well soon, torn ACL Connecticut Sun lady.

If you had picked legendary baseball writer Roger Angell in the 2022 Death Pool, it would have penalized you a point when he died at the age of 101. Why would you have done that?

The Heat gamin’ the system??

I’m genuinely excited to buy brand new cologne today. Like no kidding I can’t wait. I’m a grown man excited to just being able to buy myself cologne and smell even better. I’m just weird, I don’t know, but I’m pumped.

Pro Tip: You can add periods to your Gmail address for cosmetic spacing purposes. You’ll still receive the emails as normal.

Yes, yes, Early Voting- Epicenter-Creative Minister was the W/P/S at the Preakness Stakes. But why is it called that?

News Item: Subway’s sweet onion sauce has been discontinued.

Hey gang that is part of an organized team, this week’s Phrase that pays is “Months. Away.”

Got a flyer in the mail for a new restaurant advertising a Sunday ‘Bottomless Brunch.’ That sounds exclusionary at best, and a hate crime at worst.

American Honda will voluntarily recall 4,346 Honda Accord (2021), CR-V (2021-2022), Insight (2022) and Ridgeline (2021) vehicles in the United States to replace the rear center seat belt assembly, for free. Certain incorrectly manufactured rear center seat belt assemblies may not allow activation of the automatic locking retractor function required to install certain child safety seats, potentially increasing the risk of injury to occupants in a crash. Honda has not received any report of injury related to this issue, which was discovered during quality inspections at a Honda factory.

You got this, Steven Tyler.

I remember – date and time
September 22nd Sunday twenty-five after nine
In the doorway
With your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces.

I know! I’ll use a picture of Rick and/or Morty to illustrate my excellent point! Look at me; I’m hashtagging!

A. Route One is 2369 miles in length.

Orange Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to police activity at Wellington. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

I’m hearing that koala medicine treats monkeypox.

Pittsburgh native and #Eagles VP of Player Personnel Andy Wiedl is slated to be named #Steelers’ new assistant GM, multiple sources around the league tell me. That means signs point to longtime Steelers exec Omar Khan emerging as winner of the search to replace Kevin Colbert.

A gut check match is on tap for the Revs versus Philadelphia Union, who sit atop Conference East.

Honk if you remember Razcal Soda.

“The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.” — Joseph Conrad

Please consider contributing to Chad Finn’s ‘Donruss to Donbas’ charitable endeavor.

I am also questionable for Game 5.

Move over, Dick Clark—Big Jim Murray is America’s oldest, fattest, most miserable teenager.

All my apes are gone babe.

Best bet for the weekend: the Indianapolis Motor Speedway once again at full capacity. Vroomy-vroom-vroom!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Please Celebrate Responsibly.

Don’t feel bad if you had no idea this season’s Celtics team was this good. After all, you had to depend the local media to keep you informed as to that.

Say hello to your fourth place Boston Red Sox! Suck it, Baltimore!

The Bruins were a nice story for the first two weeks in May, but now it’s time for the Celtics in the NBA Playoffs, I think that’s how you have to look at it.

Gino Cappelletti. OOTG’s. He will be missed.

Chris Paul just wins everywhere he goes except Wake Forest and New Orleans and Los Angeles and Houston and Oklahoma City and Phoenix.

Wilfert!

‘You only think Grant Williams is good because he had a career-defining Game Seven performance’, isn’t the killshot you think it is, stupid.

Cakes are cooking for Reggie Jackson, Rick Wakeman, Rodger Davis, Jeana Yeager, Yun Fat Chow, Jari Kurri, Yannick Noah, Ingo Schwichtenberg, and Martika.

Betting is such a scam. You lose money if you don’t get it right.

Maybe the Patriots beat writers can convince a Make-A-Wish kid they really don’t want to meet The Rock, they want to know the exact responsibilities of each NE Assistant and positional coach.

How many points did Giannis and Fredo Antetokounmpo combine for in Game Seven?

Chlor-Trimeton!

i get it, nba and nhl playoffs etc….but i can’t recommend much higher than the height of the softball postseason, which we are rapidly approaching

Blue Line Update: Regularly scheduled train service has resumed between Airport and Bowdoin. There will be temporary speed restrictions in place between Airport and Maverick to allow the track and ballast to properly settle.

Did Al Horford get Ken Mattingly-ed?

The 15 have a tight 45 minute set prepared for any and all Tom Brady Roasts. DM’s are open.

Attention media, slow your roll with gaffer taping a gold watch into Patrice Bergeron’s hand and shoving him onto the nearest ice floe.

A tie is better than a loss, Revs. And it’s worth a point, just like a draw!

I would urge you all to be as tolerant as you can be of baseball’s new rules. The game has some issues. They’re trying to work on it. Give them a little space.

Malicious compliance! Fie!

Hey gang of libertines, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No I was angling for it and the other chick was like come back to our room and drink and I’m like ‘let me get my wife’, but the shuttle had left so we missed it and I was annoyed and it was all downhill from there.”

I remember when Pasta was a Good Kid. What am I saying, he’s still a Good Kid!

American Honda will voluntarily recall approximately 725,000 Passport (2019), Pilot (2016-2019) and Ridgeline (2017-2020) vehicles in the United States to reinforce each vehicle’s hood striker area and inspect the hood for potential related damage. If related damage is found outside of the hood striker area, that hood will be replaced for free. No related crashes or injuries have been reported in relation to this issue.

I am laughing out in the loud.

The Titans and first round WR Treylon Burks have agreed to terms on his 4-year, $14,369,590 fully guaranteed contract with a fifth-year team option. Rookie contracts coming together quickly.

Tom Cruise is a very polarizing individual these days.

News Item: Alex Cora is reportedly pleased with encouraging updates that Chris Sale ‘recognizes what a baseball is almost six time out of ten’ during workouts.

It’s a wonderful time to be here
It’s nice to be alive
Wonderful people everywhere
The way they comb their hair
Makes me want to say
It’s a wonderful place
It’s a wonderful place
It’s a wonderful place
For you
For you
For you

I guess we really aren’t getting that Remo Williams sequel now. RIP, Fred Ward.

What an odd hat to be wearing in this weather.

Honk if you remember Mount St. Helens.

A positive from the Bruins first round exit; I can go back to forgetting that Billy Jaffe exists.

A: Charlie Burdge.

JUST IN: U.S. Soccer has reached a deal to pay the men’s and women’s national teams equally, eliminating a contentious pay gap that saw female players earning less.

Break up the Birmingham Stallions!

Ime became a good coach the minute he figured out when to call time outs.

Nothing quite like the atmosphere of driving to the south shore to play soccer on a turf field in an industrial park.

School principals just sit around all day.

Boras: X gon have to wait until the season is complete to discuss any contract extension.

Best bet for the weekend: Tulsa golf.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. A real romantic place.

May the Fourth of May Be With You!

So have the Celtics regained home court advantage?

Don’t be ascared of the fake Whalers, Bruins!

Bill Belichick: Eight Rings. Chris Curtis: Ninth Place. Scoreboard, dummy.

Now would be a good time to flip the switch and turn the season around, Red Sox.

Andrew Callahan looks like that ‘SoyJak’ meme guy got his wish from the Blue Fairy to become a real boy.

Cakes are cooking for Randy Travis, Martyn Moxon, Dawn Staley, Gregg Alexander, Gretchen Ulion, Heather Kozar, and Andrew Raycroft.

You couldn’t pay me to hug Roger goddell

Can you feel me? Like I feel you? Can our hearts still beat together?

I’m not a TV doc when it comes to diagnosing injuries, but that fella who went after Dave Chappelle has got to be listed as doubtful for tomorrow.

Wayne Newton looked almost as bad as Courtney Fallon.

I don’t know about Dondero, but Mittens Volin looked like he was swinging a driver built for Zee Chara.

If you’ve lost Sheil Kapadia, you’re toast.

Matt Chatham would never eat a cow. Beef comes from steers, stupid.

Hey gang of Northeast Seaboard metropolitan sports fans, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “That’s stolen valor.”

Mattapan Trolley Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Hey, Elon! Still waiting for that Twitter loyalty reward … a shiny new Tesla. You know you want to give me one.

The Seahawks and Bucs will play in Munich, Germany in Week 10 of the NFL regular season.

Is MegO wearing her hair in Princess Leia buns for her first day at WEEI?

Kenny Pickett is going to the Steelers..you can go home again.

Oh, for the days of 7-8-9 hitter Butch Hobson driving in 112 runs. You don’t believe me? Look it up.

Last night I dug your picture out from my old dresser drawer
I set it on the table and I talked to it ’til four
I read some old love letters right up ’til the break of dawn
Yeah I’ve been sittin’ alone diggin’ up bones

Then I went through the jewelery and I found our wedding rings
I put mine on my finger and I gave yours a fling
Across this lonely bedroom of our recent broken home
Yeah tonight I’m sittin’ alone diggin’ up bones

Of course Nantucket votes to allow topless beaches only after Linda downsized her frontyard.

How can there be a wrong kind of speed in an athlete?

Man, that one guy at work…he is weird, like a platypus.

Real hyperlocal fans don’t need to delete tweets that provide compelling evidence of being an actual fan of other franchises. Just sayin’.

Honk if you remember the Old Man of The Mountain.

Titus Welliver. Red Sox fan. OOTG’s.

I think there may have been some funny business going on between that lady corrections officer and the escaped prisoner.

Fish paralyzer > Beaver tranquilizer.

I am assuming that the Trevor Bauer 324 game suspension starts counting from the point he was suspended last summer, right? Anybody know for sure?

Enjoy retirement, Rutgers Hoops Coach C. Viv Stringer.

Hey bro, remember how good Tiger’s chest looked during The Masters? How does yours stack up? By the way, DK has a great chest.

Best bet for the weekend: a fast horse winning The Derby.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Bobert Ryan, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. If you wonder how long I’ll be faithful I’ll be happy to tell you again I’m gonna love you forever and ever Forever and ever, amen.

Nice job Celtics. But a sweep-clinching 4 point win is still only 25% as dramatic as winning by 1 point.

People should be more accepting of Tanner Houck’s personal decision.

My Mock Draft? Already ruined!

Bruins look playoff-ready. Which is good, considering how close we are to said playoffs.

That Happas guy is clearly a cosmeticist, and not a geneticist.

That was quite the standing ovation for a dead Guy up in Montreal. Attendez, quoi?

Gabby probably types the letter ‘A’, and then autocorrect fills in the “s a sportswriter and editor” for her.

Just being honest, I am jealous that Boston doesn’t have a WNBA or USFL team. I am also disappointed that the Boston Cannons and MLL no longer exist. I only have the sports bandwidth to follow leagues when I’m invested in a team, which means having a local team.

Cakes are cooking for Kate Pierson, Doug Sheehan, Ari Vatanen, George Gervin, Arielle Dombasle, James LeGros, Bridgette Gordon, Jason Whitlock, and Maura West.

So did Jerry Remy die, or Don Orsillo? I’m confused.

Hey gang of Basementonians, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Don’t eat tomatoes. Prick!”

No Lowell Spinners this year? Again?

You can criticize Leah Hextall without bringing her gender into it.

Man, I miss The Four’s.

Is Kenny Anderson sending his jersey from one FedExOffice location to another?

I wonder if that girl from the Cake song now regrets changing her name from Kitty to Karen.

Alex Kraemer did nothing wrong!

The real Yankee Letter is written in invisible ink on the back of the fake Yankee Letter. Pass it on.

Rhea Seehorn.

Worcester Line Train 512 (10:00 am from Worcester) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station due to train traffic.

Paris Hilton’s behavior at Coachella has everyone saying the same thing.

Andover is in Essex County? Since when? DARREN!!

The Bucs are picking up LB Devin White’s 5th year option, per source.

What’s Amber Heard’s Venmo? Asking for a friend.

In my new version of Winning Time, I’m having Jeanie fuck Red instead of Phil.

Don’t tread on an ant, he’s done nothing to you
There might come a day when he’s treading on you
Don’t tread on an ant, you’ll end up black and blue
You cut off his head, legs come looking for you

So unplug the jukebox
And do us all a favor, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, that music’s lost its taste
So try another flavor
Antmusic
Antmusic
Antmusic
Antmusic

Can it really be twenty years since Derek Lowe’s no-hitter at Fenway?

Honk if you remember the Bird/Russell/Cousy/Havlicek/Pierce/Garnett Celtics team.

They better never close down the Charlestown 99.

So do we get the clearly fake Eddie Andelman Twitter account back, Elon?

Cormorants!

If you ask me, the marshmallow Peeps are better when they are a bit stale.

What really happened at Shedd Park on July 4 1992?

My favorite Tom Brady multipart documentary? The next one.

The Red Sox batting approach this year is to swing at everything and hope you connect. I don’t know, maybe it will work. Never has before.

I saw that Bob Denver died again. Could ivermectin have saved him?

Any information coming out over the next 24 hours is because somebody WANTS it to come out.

Best bet for the weekend: Alex Cora’s steady hand righting the Local 9, OR Multiple draft busts for Bill. (To be read as a William Conrad Rocky & Bullwinkle cliffhanger narration.)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, The Entitled Town Group Chat, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? You don’t drink, don’t smoke, what do you do? Your subtle innuendos follow; There must be somethin’ inside.

What’s all this I’m hearing about a War on THE15?

Hope you bet on a Kenyan winning.

Run the ‘score more goals than the opposing squadron’ play, Revs.

People who don’t think Smart was DPOY-worthy also think Mac Jones has hit his ceiling, and for the same reason.

Is Chebet like Smith?

Get well soon Bruins players.

Is Jamos deploy in Donbas fight denazify Ukraine, same as trade Hayward. No time watch games, but biggest Celtics East Euro moment since 1988 Royal Cheese preseason tournament, John Most no pronounce Dražen Petrović vroom vroom weeee crash Hahaa I boil boot make soup. Is Jamos.

Cakes are cooking for John Carney, Raymond van Barneveld, Grant Smith, Carmen Elektra, Lenka Němečková, and Lisa Ervin.

Hey Big Starr, can you tell me where do they serve meat sandwiches at Fenway Park?

I miss having the box scores in the newspapers. Has any pitcher won two games yet? See, if all the box scores were in the paper, I would know that. But when you have to look up box scores on the internet, you miss some stuff.

Sorry Charlie Day was scheduled for April 6th, but was celebrated locally on April 19th.

Effective immediately, wearing a mask on the T is now optional except for on The RIDE. The MBTA continues to follow @CDCgov guidelines in encouraging people to wear face masks on public transit. Please respect your fellow passengers’ decisions.

Iowa St LB Jake Hummel is visiting the #Bears today after visiting the #Vikings last week. He’s been busy with meetings & workouts since a Pro Day where his 4.50 forty would have ranked 4th among LBs, his 6.85 3-cone would have ranked 1st, and his 4.28 20-yd shuttle ranked 2nd.

Catching up on news I missed during my depressive episode and I’ve learned that Liz Sheridan died. She’s best known as Jerry’s mom on “Seinfeld” but I will always remember her as the delightfully-named Mrs. Ochmonek on “ALF.” R.I.P.

Zebra Cakes for breakfast…#Owning

I refuse to believe @katienolan is a poor broadcaster, doesn’t know baseball, etc. She does. I’m *convinced* some Apple TV bigwigs told her in private like “our producers/male viewers cannot handle a hyper competent, young, attractive, hilarious woman in MLB media so tank this”.

O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap! O-blate spher-oid! Clap Clap ClapClapClap!

Not trying to be mean, but it feels like MLB umpires should need to be able to pass some sort of physical fitness test.

Hey gang of amateur particle physicists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Find proton both sides vibe.”

Fenway Park has announced expanded Vegetarian options this season, with peanuts now available at the following locations: Home Plate Deck – Fifth Floor – Big Concourse – Home Plate Concourse – Coca Cola Deck – 3rd Base Concourse – Twins ’47 Third Base Deck – Pavilion Level – 1st Base Concourse – Jersey Street – Right Field Roof Deck

Oh yes, I would be remiss if I did not congratulate Peres Jepchirchir on her Boston Marathon win.

UBurger is down to one location on the edge of downtown Andover near Phillips Acadamy. The burger boom has gone bust.

Kate Beckinsale Posted A Sexy Snap Wearing Fishnets, And I Can’t Stop Staring At Her Sculpted Legs

I’m much wiser now
A lifetime of memories run through my head
They taught me how
For better or worse
Alive or dead
I realize there’s no turning back
Life goes on the offbeaten track

Losing the mask mandate was a good start, but now howabout taking down the extra protective netting past the dugouts at Fenway?

Charge more for hoops tix, UConn.

Honk if you remember emergency call boxes on highways.

Add April Graupel (Jerimoth Hill Community College – Track Team) to my great sports names file.

I can probably name more DPOY’s than PMOY’s.

Pro Tip: the voluntary workouts are actually kinda mandatory, N’Keal.

All you biologists sure told Catherine Varitek! LOL. ROTFL.

A Patriots Hall of Fame red jacket probably coordinates well with Vince Wilfork’s jort bib overalls. Probably.

BetQL wants to pay Lucy more, but worries that she will spend the money on food.

Shouldn’t have fucked with The Logo, McKay.

Say hello to your AL East leading Boston Red Sox.

Moist nut butters!

Best bet for the weekend: good seats being available at The Trop.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. (Gather ye rosebuds while ye may)

’81-81 here we come’ is still in play.

So, basically Schefty’s initial tweet said “Haskins was hit by a dump truck that might as well have been hauling his wasted career in the back.”

Nets fans want Boston, eh? Be careful what you wish for.

If Steve Pagliuca buys Chelsea, then two Boston sports teams will share ownership with two Prem League clubs. ‘New England’, indeed.

Hasta la bye-bye, Jerry York. Stick tap.

Why don’t they make the whole season out of tournaments?

Cakes are cooking for Shari Redstone, Meg Mallon, Mike Trombley, Anthony Michael Hall, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Rebecca DiPietro.

Schefter added ‘tragic’ onto his latest update in case nobody considered a 25 year old getting killed by a car a tragedy. I’ve seen dozens of tweets saying that 25 is too young to die. I didn’t know that.

Everyone’s Clayton Kershaw hot take is wrong, even those that directly contradict the others.

Are the Celtics playing to win a sign that Williams will be back sooner than expected, or that Jaylen really isn’t vaxxed?

Scottie Schleffler did not ‘come out of nowhere’, you dummies.

There’s no difference between a fracture and a break.

I have no idea if we got participation trophies as a kid because I always won.

Drinks?

Hey gang of pretend overtime enthusiasts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Crazy with all this talk about contact sports. I played Hockey at a Catholic school that still today is one of premier”

Get your house in order, TalkShoe.

Kyrie Irving Pretending to Fast Game > Michael Jordan Flu Game.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester Line trains on the inbound platform (Track 2) at Westborough and Grafton until further notice today.

Tiger Woods’ caddie, Joe LaCava of Newtown, CT, is apparently a big Giants fan.

I have a belly button.

Well, I heard the Ukranians were actually targeting the Moskva’s identical sister ship, the Sixto.

Speaking of the NBA and vaccines, Dr. Jonas Salk’s polio vaccine had been in use for 30 years back when the Knicks last won anything.

God, did you hear about the late Gilbert Gottfried’s Aladdin co-star Robin Williams?

At least nobody can ever say Nick Wright’s hair isn’t lifelike.

F1 Fun Fact: the safety car has only been deployed once in the last eight years, during the Hungarian Grand Prix.

Would’ve been a bigger tragedy had Haskins performed up to expectations; then we’d have to consider impacts to keeper leagues. What?

You know your former newspaper is desperate for ad revenue when a giant ad for Astroglide personal lubricant shows up on its Internet home page. That’s a slippery slope they’re going down.

But then one night in the lobby, yea, of the Commodore Hotel
I chanced to meet a bartender who said he knew her well
And as he handed me a drink he began to hum a song
And all the boys there, at the bar, began to sing along

If you’ll be my Dixie chicken I’ll be your Tennessee lamb
And we can walk together down in Dixieland
Down in Dixieland, down in Dixieland

It’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools or wardrobe provider.

Fenway Park is now cashless? How so? Because every time I would go to a Red Sox game, I’d always leave having no cash left!! BWAHAHAHA!!! But seriously Craig, a ‘reverse ATM’ sounds dirty.

Honk if you remember the ARA General Belgrano.

Never should have placed that futures bet that a Belarusian runner would win the Marathon.

Welcome to the team, Vernon Dozier.

An interesting one: the Colts hosted CB Stephon Gilmore on a visit today.

I had no idea Greg Hill was also a firefighter!

If it’s an actual person on base, it’s not a ghost runner, stupid.

Doug Edert and Bryant College? A perfect match! PTT!

Best bet for the weekend: delicious and peaceful Easter dinners.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW user Lefty, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Yes, this is a day late. What are you gonna do about it. Weep.