The 15

(h/t @FetzerValves)

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Tooker needs tah stand on his head and steal us a 1-0 game!

Write more Spygate articles.

The Red Sox are now a half game behing the go-go Tampa Bay Rays? Wait, what?

Happy for Lefty.

Chris Gasper is not a real person. He’s a walking aggregation of old school takes.

I can’t believe a Kirk relationship ended in this way.

Stupid no-heart having Celtics missing their second-best player and with a nominal bench can’t keep up on the road against a higher-seeded hand-picked SuperTeam. I HATE them!

Use more hyphens.

Cakes are cooking for Hank Williams Jr, Philip Michael Thomas, Masaharu Morimoto, Helena Bonham Carter, and Rachael Sporn.

Where were you for the Great SZN Twitter Schism of 2021?

Nick Wright is a poor man’s Rob Parker. And both are trying to be Max Kellerman. Just a trifecta of gross.

That lobster HATES that basketball.

What other sports writer girls do you follow?

I have forty unimpeachable anonymous sources that tell me that the only way Don Van Natta, Jr and Seth Wickersham can maintan an erection is to write a hatchet piece about the Patriots.

Orange Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a signal problem at Oak Grove. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

No one took a picture like Chi Modu.

Keeping your Energy Star Rating yellow tag on your television is the new leaving your sizing sticker on your flat-brim baseball cap.

That. That is why no one likes you, Kyrie.

Hey babe, this week’s Phrase the Pays is “Tom Brady just dominating the social media game!”

Is it just me, or is every TV commercial terrible?

Baseball needs an unwritten rule about home run laundry cart celebration etiquette when trailing. Obvi.

You could be my silver springs
Blue-green colors flashin’
I would be your only dream
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing
And did you say she was pretty?
And did you say that she loves you?
Baby, I don’t wanna know.

Is Brady skipping Patriots OTAs again?

I’m counting on a thunderstorm to wash all the pollen off my car. Cmon!

Sagamore Beach is the poor man’s Cape Cod.

The #Jets have hired former #Dolphins DC Matt Burke for a game-management role, source says. Burke, who most recently served as #Eagles run game coordinator and DL coach, brings 15 NFL seasons’ experience as a defensive coach but will help on both sides of the ball.

Honk if you remember buying a pair of Keds at Thom McAn.

Have you tried to navigate all the various apps you have to download to attend a major league game this year? They would have saved time by just making a rule that old people are not allowed to attend a game unless accompanied by someone under 40.

Don’t look now, but the CT Sun are off to an undefeated start at the top of the WNBA standings.

It’s worth noting that Arlen Specter, bless his heart, was a demonstrably terrible person.

Like Jack Hynes always said; ‘Follow the money.’

Take a less flattering photo of America’s most beloved ballpark. You can’t!

Best bet for the long weekend: traffic tieups on Route 3.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, Substack, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW, @ThatJohnIrons and #the15, were used in this column. Do not point at face. Use only as directed.

The Red Sox, they do a lot better when they score first.

Greg Dickerson only following 56 people on Twitter is legitimately nuts.

Stidhsy has been saying in a loud stage whisper that Tyrod Taylor or Ryan Finley aren’t the short-term solution for the Texans.

Sure, trading Mookie Betts was less than ideal. But John Henry’s biggest personnel sin? Not retaining Heidi Watney. Unforgivable.

Why can’t Tom Wilson bodycheck Evan Lazar?

“I hope you all enjoy life, except that cvnt Abby Chin who took my job.” – Dickerson, most likely.

Vasco has some great unis, storied franchise founded as a rowing club in Rio by Portuguese immigrants.

An Ice Cream truck just went by. Symbol of a bygone time, Danny.

Cakes are cooking for Rick Cerone, John Friesz, Turk Wendell, London Fletcher, and Kevin Garnett.

The old barn is gonna be rocking tonight, eh Brick?

Forget ‘Friends’, what we all want is a “Mustard & Johnson” reunion special.

Hi Kent. Have you been touching yourself?

Detroit’s Spencer Turnbull just no-hit Seattle. Fifth nine-inning no-hitter in MLB this year. The record in the Modern Era is seven in one season. Second time the Mariners have been no-hit this season. It’s May 18, and they are hitting .199 as a team. That is a real statistic.

Buy more fireworks why don’t you?

That La Russa thing reminds me of Grady against the Marlins.

News Item: Pasta is a good kid.

Turtleboy shopping at Marshall’s is terrific.

Matty? He’ll be back. Just you see.

How long was Bert Breer at the Dallas Morning News and however long that was why does he think that made him a honorary member of the Cowboys organization?

Hey golden boy gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Belichick Binkies.”

Mile 22 on the Maine Turnpike is Cat Mousam Road, en route to Portland.

Please excuse my ignorance but what is a cishet man?

Honk if you remember Reddy Kilowatt.

A lot of people think Connecticut is part of new England.

Who is Rio Gomez?

TV dinners, I’m feelin’ kinda rough
TV dinners, this one’s kinda tough
I like the enchiladas, and the teriyaki too
I even like the chicken, if the sauce is not too blue.
And they’re mine, all mine,
Oh, yeah!

Red Line Braintree Branch Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

Demi’s new pronouns aren’t ‘Dese, Dem, and Dose?’

Chuck Grodin. OOTG’s. Rest in Peace.

The #Lions and OT Penei Sewell have agreed to terms on his 4-year, $24.1M fully guaranteed contract. He gets a $14.88M signing bonus.

Surf’s up!

Best bet for the weekend: a straight trouncing of the Red Bulls by the Revolution.

Standard disclaimers apply.

More days in first place.

If you’ve ever suffered a torn scapholunate ligament, let us know in the comments.  

Chuck Finley can finally relax.

One more thing, Dale loves his mom more than you.

Where are the UDFA’s?

You can’t send your squad out on to the pitch with a false nine! Cor! Blimey!

I noticed in collegiate wrestling no one ever uses the Polish Hammer.

Cakes are cooking for Stacy Wilson, Tony Hawk, Jim Furyk, Steve Smith and Emily VanCamp.

Belichick talks to Baffort, Baffort horse gets busted for doping. Hmmm.

Don’t open your college commitment announcement like you’re getting divorced, ahkay?

Blehhhh! Play in game! Blehhhh!!

Gosh darn it Aiden, you should have reached out. People would have helped you.

That Chinese rocket could have really gotten people mad at the Orientals.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “Take it easy, AIDS feet.’

Bottom line: Warren Sapp is an asshole. Always was, always will be.

It’s a very difficult decision to choose between UMass Dartmouth and Johnson & Wales. Like deciding between Texas and Georgia.

Tim Tebow is In Sport.

Bill Barnwell seems like someone who takes sex vacations in the Far East.

Why exactly is doping a race horse a bad thing?

Best Roast Beef in the Commonweath? Not North Shore, not South Shore. Merrimack Valley.

News Item: Leonardo DiCaprio unrecognizable in first photos of new Scorsese film.

DK Metcalf came in last, fact; not opinion.

Purple is great. They also give you the option to pay it off with Affirm so you don’t have to drop four digits.

She got whatever it is, it blows me away
She’s everything I want to say to a woman
But I couldn’t find the words to say
She got whatever it is.

The Taylor Swift Education Center opened today in Nashville. That is beyond awesome. Such a power move! @taylorswift13 is my girl!

Honk if you remember Skylab.

I can’t remember it being this consistently windy! Probably the Russians.

Woo Sox! Woo!

The Washington Football has its left tackle: The WFT is signing former #Bears LT Charles Leno to a 1-year deal worth $5M, per @SlavinRon.

Bedard is in the same shape as Babe Ruth in his Boston Braves days. See, it all comes back to baseball.

Lynnette can now drink all the passion fruit iced tea she wants.

Thank you, warrior98, whoever you are.

Best bet for the weekend: cheapies from the Capitals.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW user Hascksaw, and #the15, were used in this column. May cause drowsiness.

Ernie made the good picks, caller.

MLB The Show 21 is a great game. I highly recommend buying it if you haven’t yet.

There’s a reason Greg Bedard lasted 3 days at the LVRJ.

Using “green teamer” and begging for Madam Jones to notice him is a squid parlay.

Eating ice cream out of the container again. I got got.

It makes sense that it’s legal to impersonate a Boston Globe reporter considering all the fabulists and plagiarists who have worked there.

How it started: ‘You aren’t getting Mac Jones, caller.’

How it’s going: ‘You’re stuck with Mac Jones, caller.’

Cakes are cooking for Charles Nagy, Danielle Fishel, Randall Gay, Henry Cavill, and Eve Torres.

Packers best be careful, Aaron Rodgers has outside interests now, like hosting Jeopardy!, and heterosexuality.

In retrospect, of course the Baffert horse won the Derby.

Dragging Dondero was a great college indy band back in the 90s.

The NHL needs more violent goons, not fewer.

The #Raiders are releasing safety Jeff Heath on Wednesday, per source. He was the AFC Defensive Player of the Week in Week 10 last season. Now, set to be a free agent.

They should call it Section 8 podcast, because it’s so poor.

FYI, it’s still against the law to impersonate an employee of the Lawrence Eagle-Tribune.

Ned Martin didn’t have opinions, he’d just smoke a butt and do a shot to keep the ghosts of Iwo away.

Heyyyy brunch gang, this week’s Phrase that pays is “Your brain don’t work.”

I workout at an office park as well. It’s actually quite descript!

McCorkle. It’s funnier than a regular middle name.

Aloha means goodbye, Ibuprofen. Aloha.

C’mon, sunscribe to The Athletic! Steve Buckley needs more scratchy, scratchy flannel.

“Revenge of the Fifth!” Get it? Get it??

Did whoever Bedard allegedly spoke to about Barmore “just quote a rap lyric”?

Orange Line Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

If I add five more pounds to my deadlift PR it’s going to get into Miss Porter’s and Wellesley.

Nice outing, Pivetta. You too, Barnes.

All this rain best mean that the Fake Drought gets cancelled.

I probably wouldn’t have qualified for the Marathon even at the previous time.

Bruins. Playoff bound. Owning. Fluke loss.

Life with gUNT: my brain and body shut down every day from approximately 3- 4:30 PM.

I sneak in my own house
It’s four the morning
I’ve had too much to drink
Said I was out with the boys
I creep in my bedroom
I slip into bed
I know if I wake her
I’ll wake up dead.

He had me at the multicolor pen.

Honk 1488 times if you remember when Greg Bedard’s Loyko investigation was supposed to wrap up.

WooSox!

You aren’t Amy and you aren’t with Medical Services, phone spammer.

I find the Celtics to be quite likable, thank you very much.

Well Schill has certainly earned the benefit of the doubt. Wait, what?

Feliz cumpleaños México! Probablemente.

Best bet for the weekend: Orioles playing hard against the Red Sox.

material from interviews, wire services, Facebook, Substack, other writers, league and team sources, @basementscout, @MrJonnyConCarne, and #the15, were used in this column. Allow 8-10 weeks for delivery.

Going to be so good when the Red Sox are once again claiming Fenway sellouts post August 1st. So good, so good, so good! A return to normal, indeed.

As a rule, supermarket employees don’t have NFL sources.

My grandpappy’s dying words were “Never trust a sports media columnist named Chad”. Sage advice, Pops.

Dale Arnold would make a great guest host on Jeopardy. “Sorry, the correct answer is WARRIOR Ice Arena, not Warner.”

I’m ever so sorry about the “Entitled Town’ audio issues on my end. That’s on me, gotta pod better. The bad news is, Coach Tomlin complained and NE has been docked a seventh round pick in 2022. The good news is is that Ironhead unknowingly agreed to wear the puffy shirt next podcast.

Bootleg
Summer in the city
His Barnicles can swim
Getting naked and gritty.

When you have 2 garbage bags full of weed maybe don’t start beating up restaurant employees.

New theory: John Dennis has been in a gout critical care facility for nearly a year.

Cakes are cooking for Jay Leno, Kim Gordon, Ron Zook, Bridget Moynahan and Ryan Saunders.

Have flatter feet.

It’s a ductless AC and it keeps out prowlers.

Larry Luccino should release a sing-along album. Let’s go Red Sox!

I’m at the point where I’d rather see your vaccination card than your mock draft.

Today in “life with gUNT,” I injured my back putting on my pants.

Hearing reports that Chris Sale’s rehab is coming along great, but with no firm timetable in place. And also that he nodded in apparent recognition when shown a baseball.

News Item: Keno sales finally rebound, Massachusetts Lottery says.

I hope Dana Hersey still has that great leather jacket.

My work has a nice gym but it’s been closed since COVID started.

It’s good to have a network of whores in different cities and towns in this great land where you can pop in, do drugs and get your dick sucked.

Nice job coach. How’s the liver?

I know George Floyd is looking down at Fenway and smiling.

The Bills have re-signed RFA G Ike Boettger.

Hey, gang of NFL Draftniks, This weeks Phrase that Pays is “Remember that chair?”

Some day Tanya will be able to claim a loss of Twitter clout on her tax return. Good God.

I think the clothes dryer ate the belt to my bathrobe. Less than ideal.

Red Auerbach retired as head coach of the Boston Celtics fifty-five years ago today after leading the team to eleven championships in sixteen years.

Stupid girl.
She was dressed like
she deserved everything that she got.
Bloody pumps.
Dead girl.
Hey, world;
Thanks a lot,
Thanks a lot

In retrospect, it makes sense that Brady was tweaking Coach Harbro rather than actually caring about the positional uniform number rule alteration.

Honk if you remember mimeographs.

“Y’all Qaeda” was a top 5 funny thing I heard during the pandy.

Let’s don’t be limping into the Playoffs, Celtics.

Orange Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

It’s an accent wall, but the accent is Welsh.

Man, those squash instructors, they get all the puss. It’s just like the old saying goes: “Squash instructors, they get all the puss.”

Best bet for the weekend: Draft report cards.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources, @thatJohnIrons, and #the15 were used in this column. Weight of meat given before cooking.

Johnny Pierson: gone to that big furniture convention in the sky. Hopefully Johnny drew up his last will & testament as well as he did plays during intermission. RIP.

Congrats to the 45 million UMass alumni, all of whom never realized before last week they had a hockey team.

I swear, these alternate jerseys by Nike seems like just a way for them to get us to spend more money!

Any Super League that didn’t include Wolverhampton was doomed from the start.

Tell us in the comments what you think of the Bengals’ new ‘fits.

Next week on ‘The Case‘: Brockton is full of scumbags and Steve did a Google search.

I was also never offered the job coaching Indiana basketball. The rumors mean a lot to me but they are untrue!

You don’t need to post everything you do. You really don’t.

A whole lotta punks, squids, Haskell’s, and just plain cvnts on that Caps squad.

I guess we’ll only be able to catch Cash Cab on reruns now.

Cakes are cooking for Ed Belfour, Rob Riggle, Audra Cohen, Max Chilton, Princess Isabella of Denmark, and Josh Marion.

Every time I see a picture of Tom Werner, I feel like $20 has been withdrawn from my bank account.

I heard a lot of people telling us the celtics were back in business and look out…boy very quiet I am hearing from them after this gong show vs bulls

Came this close to pulling the trigger on purchasing a box of factory seconds biscotti at the Ocean State Job Lot.

Red Sox still have fewer wins than Mookie’s Dodgers, caller.

LAPD cancelled that Gold & Purple Alert for that missing imaginary Lakers fan lady, I suppose.

News Item: High school sophomore Matthew Vital shoots an 8-under-par 62, breaks Reading (PA) Country Club course record set by Sam Snead in 1949.

I could go for a nice scallop roll right now.

Is big pharma working on a vaccine to counter the effects of the Hellenic Flu?

Get another tattoo and do some arm curls; that will fill the emptiness this time I bet.

I like when Pete Abe tweets something that gets pushback and hides one reply when there are 12 more saying the same thing.

What, are you waiting for a streetcar?

Approximately 90% of my Premier League soccer knowledge is gleaned from Monty Python episodes.

It’s funny because that one fan threw a pizza slice at that other fan.

Glad to hear the Cape League plans to return. Go Pants Factory!

Hey bud, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Marv is Suave.”

It’s okay to admit this Celtics team has talent.

The Euro Super League, the Fenway Park Press Conference Room, and Linda Pizzuti…What are 3 things John Henry has spent very little time in?

Who Can Think About Low-Rise Jeans When We Have Vanessa Hudgens’s Jaw-Dropping Hip Cutouts?

Former Pro Bowl TE Jordan Reed is retiring, sources say. A 2013 3rd-round pick by the Washington Football Team, Reed emerged as one of the game’s best receiving TEs before battling injuries. His improbable comeback with #49ers last season allowed him to walk away with no regrets.

Red: Republican Blue: Democrat Red & Blue make Purple: One World Government Numbers, symbols & colors, are used in pagan Magic for predictive programming.

Women. Women and their knick-knacks! Amirite?

Rest In Peace, Walt Mondale.

Bitch! Kitchen!

Congratulations to the Pope Francis Prepatory H.S. Hockey team out of Springfield, MA, USA Hockey Division 1 National Champions.

Honk if you remember that Robert ‘Love’ Klemko was supposed to have a follow-up report on Antonio Brown.

You can’t be losing to a team in your division, Tone.

Now I’m not a highly metaphysical man
But I know when the stars are aligned you can
Bump into a person in the middle of the road
Look into their eyes and you suddenly know.

Actually, the worst person to sit next to at a baseball game would be ‘the relentlessly negative sports radio “celebrity caller”.’

Best bet for the weekend: a clash of the titans as the Mariners visit the lyric little bandbox on Jersey Street.

material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW, Mego, Josh Marion, and #the15 were used in this column.