The 15

Are you doing your part to decide who moves on in the March Sadness Biggest Mediot Tournament?

Level with me: is it too late in the season to start my backyard rink?

I wasn’t going to gamble online until the betting sites began signing talentless dipshits to produce content.

Why not this Celtics team?

I hear tell my buddy Bootleg Barnicle has instructed the maids to refer to caviar as ‘Freedom Fish Eggs’ for the duration of the current crisis.

Does Russell Wilson think lightning will strike twice in Denver and he will get carried to a Super Bowl win by the Broncos defense?

Hope the Packers shareholders won’t have to work extra shifts at the plant or get a side hustle to pay Aaron!

A letdown loss after a successful West Coast road trip isn’t the end of the world, Bruins fans.

The Revolution kick off Leg 1 of the Scotiabank Concacaf Champions League Quarterfinals Wednesday night at Gillette Stadium. Tickets are available.

Cakes are cooking for Tony Lockett, Michael Patrick MacDonald, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Clint Dempsey, and Oscar Issac.

Kyle Van Noy released: Dan O’Brien Kia commercials hardest hit.

One of my favorite Coach K memories over the last 40 years was Dickie V always referring to her as ‘the beautiful Mickie Kryzweski’, in case anybody thought he was lying about his glass eye.

Jim Rice: kind to injured little girls, mean to reporters. I’m okay with that.

You will NEVER see a live action MCU film where Graviton is the main villain but any Marvel head knows he’s a major Avengers foe. Most people don’t read comic books. Reality is, the cartoons or live action films/shows are the entry point for most people watching these movies…

So I tune in to the NEC Men’s Basketball Conference Championship game and a Mexican soccer match broke out!

Bobby Wagner, any relation?

Mister we could use a man like Claire Chennault again.

An NFL player that took last year off to deal with “mental health” issues spent the off-time gambling on games, then spent today reacting to his suspension with a series of LOL tweets. But yeah, they definitely should have cut Agholor, given up draft picks and paid Ridley $11MM.

Why did you buy the vitamins if you’re not going to remember to take them?

If you want some way to let the people around you know Pasta Is A Good Kid, but nonverbally; you may soon be in luck.

Hey gang of immunized cheeseheads, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “however, reports about me signing a contract are inaccurate.”

Have a more obvious frame-up of Britney Griner, Russian border agents. You can’t!

Basketball players vaping weed? C’mon, Boogie.

Green Line B Branch Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Alex Bowman doing the legacy of the No. 48 car proud with a win at Vegas.

d. Nobody likes a fatso, Elton John. Disappointing.

In a voice message sent to a group chat that has been widely shared in Dominican baseball circles, David Ortiz, perhaps the most influential baseball voice in the country, came out strongly against the international draft, according to a copy of the message obtained by ESPN.

‘Cause you’ve got personality
Walk (with personality)
Talk (with personality)
Smile (with personality)
Charm (with personality)
Love (with personality)
And plus you’ve got a great big heart!

Ben Allbright pretending to be hacked by Russians is still the greatest Twitter moment.

I just looked it up. Merrimack is still ineligible for postseason play until the 23-24 season.

Honk if you remember gasohol.

So does only Russia get to have oligarchs? You’d think Greece would have some.

This “fake reporter” is trying to be better. As I said have a nice day.

No Foxboro franchise tag slapping?

Will Mr. Entenmann’s casket be white with a clear plastic window? RIP you baking legend.

Congratulations to Robert Kraft and Dr. Dana Blumberg on their engagement.

Why do I have to wait until October to watch Oz?

I’m going to call it ‘The Drew Lock Trade’.

Best bet for the weekend: an unexpected winner of The PLAYERS Championship at TPC Sawgrass.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW poster Pats67 and the members of #the15 were used in this column. So over (over and over) And over (over and over) Oh, I’ll be a fool for you.

Baseball Opening Day cancelled? We’re gonna need a bigger mood lamp.

A Twitter meltdown is a gift for everyone.

Maybe Jetes should have listened to Glenn Rivers?  “Rebuilding is hard.”

Why the hell does Aaron Rodgers need to do a cleanse? He doesn’t shit himself enough during the playoffs?

Here’s hoping Phil Mickelson finds another sponsor that is also all CONSONANTS.

Vitali Klitschko is the mayor of Kiev? How am I just finding out about this?? Next you’ll tell me ‘Peanut’ Tillman is now an FBI Agent!

Interesting.

Cakes are cooking for Raimo Summanen, Laird Hamilton, Daniel Craig, Amber Smith, Ben Roethlisberger, and Becky G.

Bob Kraft could have averted this whole unpleasantness if he just made Vladimir give him his ring back.

Know what’s never locked out or on strike? The Cape League. Get the family and take in some games this summer.  You won’t regret a second of it.

It must be tough being the only woman ever who has cancer and wants stuff. Dial it back, toots.

Brett Netzer just set a record for exit velocity.

Demar Derozan plays like the guys I grew up watching get buckets in the NBA back during the Horizontal Hold, Vertical Hold & turning the TV antennas until you get a clear (or clearer) picture days. I’m old.

Can anyone point me to a reliable alt-Right to English dictionary?

Green Line Update: Shuttle buses are being phased out and service has resumed with delays due to an earlier power problem near Boylston.

You don’t bring a potato chip clip to a cat fight.

Zolak thinks the Supreme Court has too many names that are hard to pronounce.

Fun Fact: Writer Gardner Fox is credited with introducing the utility belt concept for Batman in Detective Comics #29.

Remy is going to be a hard act to follow for the Sox. He just had the right balance; knowledgeable and forthright, not harsh, not attention-seeking, didn’t say stupid stuff. Didn’t lecture. Sometimes I got tired of hearing about the 1979 team, you know? Tough to follow, though.

Scal has zero idea how literally anything works. It’s incredible.

TB12 can easily squash all these “Team X will pursue Tom Brady for 2022” but he seems content to let the rumor mill churn. Seems odd to me.

I think you have to act like that if you’re given an 80’s teen comedy villain name like ‘Brett Netzer’.

Robert Parish turned 40 before the 1993-94 NBA season. He had 12 PPG 7 RPG 1 BPG in 27 minutes a night. They intended to replace him at center with Dino Radja if they didn’t draft a replacement. In the 1994 Draft, Boston picked Eric Montross at #9. They traded him in 1996.

Hey gang of not-at-all out-of-their-depth people! This week’s Phrase that Pays is: “It wasn’t all just Tom Brady.”

We atThe15net dot com join many of the in-sports community in celebrating National Psychosomatic Ailment Awareness Day.

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks, gonna
Come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know, singing

Come out upon my seas
Curse missed opportunities, am I
A part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singing; You are…you are…

Met Karl Ravech in Newport once. That guy could stand up straight under a picnic table.

Here I am at Dick’s Sporting Goods. So many golfs and fishings to buy, but I’m not going to do that today. Just want to be here.

Honk if you remember ‘The Nature World of Captain Bob.’

Did Chaim have to get the goy who turns his stove on to fire Brett?

When there was only one set of footprints that’s when Zero Hedge was carrying you.

Where’s your will to be weird?

60 years ago. Wilt. 100 points. Riiiiight. Okay.

Celtics closing the gap.

It’s a good thing I finally remembered to wash all my useless cloth masks! SMDH.

Damn you Nana Gary Myers.

Are the Red Sox trying to get people to attend the Tony Mazz-called games in person?

As my buddy Wayne’s Fatha says; Happy Lent.

That Gabz. I’ve never seen someone so arrogant and offer so little to society, and I know a lawyer that defends child molesters.

Best bet for the weekend: A Toyota driver winning at the Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

First Wordle where I completely whiffed. Good luck out there today

— Ben Volin (@BenVolin) March 1, 2022

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Dart Adams, Bill James, BSMW posters 02062, Chuck Schick, Laszlo Panaflex, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And nothing else compares. Oh, nothing else compares.

Is Aaron Rodgers going to start cutting himself? That thing reads like an emo vague suicide threat.

I’m a big fan of KG’s Celtics Alzheimer’s toward Ray.

JC Jackson has the big sads he wasn’t woken up at 12:01 AM Tuesday by the sound of a Brinks truck backing down his driveway.

Austin Cindric? Thats not a NASCAR name, that’s a Star Wars name.

So my takeaway from the just-ended Olympic Games is that Norwegians are good at winter sports.

Good day to get outside today and silicone up the snow shovels.

Marchand would have been sent to Gitmo, or the Regional Reception Centre for doing what Nathan MacKinnon did.

Is Johnny Weir related to Bobby?

Although I think multiple quarterbacks will end up going in Round 1 of the 2022 NFL Draft, as of now I don’t have a definite Round 1 grade on any of the 2022 QB prospects, which would be the first time since 2013 for me.

Congratulations to Identical Best Friend Sixto on being elected to the Salón de Amigos. ¡Felicidades!

Cakes are cooking for Peter Fonda, Bobby Bonilla, Helena Suková, Kelly Macdonald, Charles Tillman, Andre Ward, and Dakota Fanning.

Aaron Rodgers said today that he isn’t ready to talk about his future because he is just coming out of 12 days of Panchakarma. That is 12 days of throwing up and diarrhea followed by levitation. I’d prefer 12 days of the Three Stooges, Abbott and Costello, followed by Meditation.

DJ Khaled is supposedly Miami’s own, but he was a ballboy for the Orlando Magic. Makes you think.

Pauly is what a Mafioso names a parrot.

Alway entertaining when the Patriots Media Pitchbot goes all T-800 on some loser.

Is ironing heteronormative?

Hard to say which led to worse bunch of hot takes, the Matt Stafford photographer fall non-reaction, or the Juwon Howard slap that set off the melee at the Kohl Center.

Gift cards won are twice as sweet as gift cards purchased.

KC Chiefs have released LB Anthony Hitchens. but keep repeating that the “Cap is crap,” mantra.

Hey gang that I’m in no way obsessed with! This Week’s Phrase that Pays is; “You’re saying that I snort narcotics?”

Happy for the Finnish Men’s Hockey Squad.

I will never understand why the Big Ten Conference takes care of Wisconsin the way they do.

If the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has a house band, why doesn’t the Baseball Hall of Fame have a house baseball team? Or two teams; they can play each other 50 games a year on Doubleday Field and otherwise tour and beat the hell out of college teams, for credibility.

Considering how much is made of Belichick’s coaching tree or lack thereof, Mike Tomlin’s coaching tree is basically a telephone pole.

Going to the IKEA and having to say out loud, “I see you have the Flerk, but do you have any more of the Flermpgh in stock?”

Insert a lyrics snippet to your favorite Mark Lanegan song here. RIP.

Red Line Update: The work scheduled for this weekend, Feb. 26 – 27, has been cancelled due to the weather.

Was Dianna Russini flown in to help Finnish skier Remi Lindholm?

News Item: Dunkin’ jumps into spring early with new Salted Caramel drinks and other items.

Honk if you remember “Where’s Huddles?”

Patriots fans seem to pay absolutely zero attention to how the team does business.

Everyone forgets the Miracle on Ice 1980 USA Men’s Hockey team played Finland in the Gold Medal game.

Galoshes; great comedy word.

For goodness sake; someone please give Tom Brady a reassuring hug.

Time for bed. Right after I wash my mouth out with soap for that foul tweet earlier.

Pasta. He is a good kid. Keep that in mind.

Paul O’Neill to be enshrined in Yankee Stadium III’s’ Monument Park? It’s a non-starter unless they plan on honoring Graig Nettles and Willie Randolph that same night.

Best bet for the weekend: franchise tags getting lightly applied outside of New England.

Ugh this is going to make me angry all day

⬜⬜⬜🟨⬜
⬜🟨⬜⬜🟨
🟩🟨🟩⬜⬜
🟩⬜🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬜🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬜🟩🟩🟩

— Ben Volin (@BenVolin) February 19, 2022

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Coma, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Have the Trees stopped Screaming, Clarice?

With the St. Louis Rams of Inglewood (CA) winning SB LVI, I’m happy for Sony Michel, but mostly for Cooper Kupp. Obvi.

Boston University wins 2022 Beanpot; the Terriers short, regional nightmare is over.

Celtics? Worst team riding a nine-game winning streak in all of sports.

Tuukka Rask overshadowing Marisa Ingemi is soooo hockey of him.

Cheered to see that Richard Seymour will be duly enshrined in the Football HoF. More, please.

Well I’m glad that cryptocurrency can never go the way of, say, Pets.com!

Big ups to the IOC for averting an invasion of Ukraine by overturing the suspension of that doped-up 15-year-old Russian figure skater. (Editor’s Note: Please disregard if the scheduled Russian invasion transpires.)

Cakes are cooking for LeVar Burton, John McEnroe, Andy Taylor, Bebeto, Larry Jones, Elizabeth Olsen, and, ladies and gentlemen, The Weeknd.

Ahmad Rahad may still have the lead, but Bill Belichick is coming up fast on the rail in the Worst Friend Picker Derby.

The league, er, Association is propping up the 22-36 Spurs.

Why didn’t Tom just ask Easterby to Jesus the footballs to the desired PSI?

I’m sorry but why would a non-hierarchical relationship be looking for a term that’s the equivalent of a hierarchical one? If you have the equivalent of a primary partner, don’t you just have a primary partner? Am I missing something here?

Whatever, Brookline.

Andre the Giant absolutely stacked up and then pinned six midget wrestlers.

Marisa Ingemi is again a free agent.

I know it is not practical, but a fun option would be to poll the fans arriving at the park on whether they want to see a DH or pitchers batting. One ticket, one vote. The teams don’t know until game time which way it will go. Think about it; lot of fun.

Why are there power lines in these bruise evidence photos?

I was recently made aware of a few offensive tweets I made when I was in my late 30’s that have since been addressed. I wanted to apologize if I’ve ever offended anyone on that platform. I’m not the same person I was when I was younger & I’m committed to being a better person everyday.

Have you ever used pink Himalayan salt?

It’s a great feeling when that giant frozen-over hunk of snow finally flies off your car’s roof when you’re on the highway. Liberating, really.

Losing to the US in Olympic Hockey serves Canada right for beating us at the soccer.

Only the ephemeral lasts.

Nice suit, Jimmy Harden. I didn’t even know someone had an ‘ Urban Herman Munster’ collection. Looks good on you, though.

No, really: how many people are in the Dick Butkus twitter account writers room?

Giada could make a can of sardines seem appetizing.

When did OBJ become America’s Sweetheart?

Some dink commented on one of my articles saying he hasn’t seen a good piece from me yet. How brave of you to bash someone’s work while you hide behind a fake name! Try writing about a sport during a months-long lockout when there’s no real news and then you can talk shit.

Gotta say that Jacobellis snowcross run haven’t jumped out of my seat cheering like that since a Phelps race.

Marisa Ingemi is no longer a free agent.

Between Ivan Reitman and P.J. O’Rourke, it’s been a sad week for Harvard/National Lampoon alums. RIP.

Lechina.

Zero carbohydrate Budweiser must be pretty tasty, huh?

I don’t know if Mina is going to be able to smirk her way past all the Angry Philly Fans.

Hey gang of true romantics! This week’s Phrase that Pays is; “To my best friend and the love of my life. The one. The love”

Is David Chase broke?

You’re telling me none of the Gamgees or Brandybucks or Tooks or even the Sackville-Bagginses could have taken care of Ben Volin’s sick family, forcing him to miss covering the Super Bowl?

Honk if you remember Glick University.

I keep hearing about these Overton Windows: is that the manufacturer Johnny Pesky was associated with?

Big bottom
Big bottom
Talk about bum cakes
My gal’s got ’em.
Big bottom
Drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?

Don’t feel bad Cincinnati. You still have inedible chili, Pro Football Focus HQ and Jimmy Koch’s airport and bus station main brewery.

Cedar Waxwings! Right outside! Did you see them?

I hear it took fifteen takes for that T-Mobile commercial with Miley Cyrus before they got one where she didn’t have a wardrobe malfunction.

A skit that’s like Plato and Socrates on Around the Horn…is this anything?

Fun fact: The Goodyear Blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach, California.

So when is Super Bowl SBK?

Since you asked, the federal government specifically divides YOUR tax dollars between Israel and gay abortions. Just yours.

Slovakia? That’s like half a real country now! You can’t be losing to them! Bad hockey team! Bad!

Ask more questions! I can’t! Or can I?

Have a Happy John Valentin’s Day this Friday.

Best bet for the weekend: pitchers and catchers not reporting.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The15 remind you to clear all snow and ice from your vehicle before taking to the roads.

Two U’s Two K’s, no more B’s.

Is China Fatigue a side effect of COVID-19? Because I do not care about the Olympics this go around.

Whatever happened to the Brooklyn Nets dynasty?

I see Elway finally sobered up enough to draft a statement.

As coach of the Celtics Bill Fitch lived on the 33d floor of a high rise within easy walking distance of the Boston Garden. He called his apartment “The Bird’s Nest.”

What if a team hired both Almost-a-coach Bedard and Mina Kimes!? PTT!!

Sorry – I fucked this up.

So how many people are in the Dick Butkus twitter account writers room? 50? 100?

Cakes are cooking for Glenn McGrath, Svetlana Boginskaya, Georgios Korakakis, Charlie Day, Vlad Guerrero, and Airton Daré.

All the lugers should have to go at the same time.

A quick note about our friend Steve: I’ve never seen someone so bad at fighting want to fight so bad.

Coffee rolls are not doughnuts.

That kid Holmgren for Gonzaga has the body frame of Meghan Ottolini. Great personality!

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “I want to hear him say it.”

Aw, Puck the Fenguins anyway.

Considering getting one of those sheepskin steering wheel covers. I will not be taking questions about it at this time.

According to Joe Rogan, Mike McDaniel hit the genetic lottery.

Maybe he should go by Mikal, or Mychal?

Northeastern vs. Boston University in the Beanpot Final. Who do you like?

So Troy Vincent and Jeff Pash, huh? Not surprising. Underdog in the cartoons had a bigger rotating villain list than the Patriots.

Love something as much as Peter King loves riding to work with coaches like a total lunatic.

For a 10 song album, Coldplay’s “Parachutes” goes hard in the paint man. #Music

I don’t care what time of year it is or how shitty the weather is. I always get giddy flying back into Boston.

There are sales to be had at Dollar Tree.

Alfonso Ribierio hit 3 shots Friday at Pebble Beach better than any pros in the tournament.

Doc Rivers, an NBA Top Fifteen Coach, and Alex Hannum isn’t?

Maybe Felgy sent his wedding ring out to get brought in a size? He does look like he’s lost weight.

Is Mina Kimes responsible for her thirsty Travis Bickles?

Sorry, Rhody. Nice job, UMass.

“That fat old guy at the bar might be Joe West; he might not be. Better pay for his drink, just to be sure, Boston.” -Bob Ryan.

Lindsey Jacobellis with a gold medal performance. Turin was a long time ago.

Can’t you help me as I’m startin’ to burn (all alone)
Too many doses and I’m starting to get an attraction
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone)
No one can save me and you know I don’t want the attention.

So sorry you’re not here
I’ve been sane too long, my vision’s so unclear
Now take a trip with me
But don’t be surprised when things aren’t what they seem.

A belated farewell to the late Howard Hesseman. His Dr. Johnny Fever character infamously wound up at WKRP after getting fired from a Los Angeles station for saying ‘booger’ on-air. Booger. The past is a different country.

Imagine knowing what happened in a skills competition?

Honk if you remember Cleveland Gary.

Nah. You get murdered on a dunk, it gets talked about.

A real phone booth NASCAR race over at the Colosseum last weekend.

In six weeks there will be a warm rain, and the ground will turn green. May kindness follow your sorrows, as surely as the spring will follow the cold.

If you don’t want to argue, keep the nonsense to yourself.

You may have dodged a bullet not falling in with that pack of Holy Joes down Houston way, BFlo.

Gerald Williams won’t be down to charge the mound.

Hearing whispers there’s no truth to the rumor that Ben Volin’s in Louisiana trying to find Sci-Fi stadium.

I get styled for Super Bowl week. I roll out of bed in NYC.

If you haven’t invested in wireless headphones yet in 2022; what are you doing with your life?

Upton Bell’s nerve to accomplishments ratio is too high!

You done your grandma wrong, Donald Driver, and now she has to haunt you for the rest of your days.

Nobody brags about living in Sacramento.

Best bet for the Weekend: a win for the McVay coaching tree.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.  I hope The Rev was sufficiently avenged.