Touts on Louts, Part Two

Continuing, here’s Old Friend ‘Mike on Route One’:

TED JOHNSON

Why he’ll win

After failing to make the previous tournament, Ted capped off a shocking regular season with a 2 seed in the T region thanks to his scorching hot Patriots takes. He faces off against giant killer “DeathCat” Michael Holley in the first round, a mediot who features such pelts as Dale Arnold and Glenn Ordway on his wall. Not exactly your typical 15 seed. If Ted can avoid falling into Holley’s famed “repeat 2x” offense he has a real shot at making it to the round of 16 thanks to a cupcake Perillo/Yellow Teeth McCarthy matchup in the second round.

Why he won’t win

This region is absolutely loaded. As we know, experience matters. It’s a talent game in March and either Bert Breer or Ben Volin loom in the regional final. Additionally, like heavy armor in Ukrainian mud, are we even sure how his neck bolts will hold up once the sledding gets tough against the iron of this field? Make more disjointed metaphors.

CHRIS GASPER

Why he’ll win

Gasper had an incredible regular season and endured a lot of turmoil to get here. Even with the distraction of changing “jobs”, Chris managed to stay pot committed to his Mac Jones takes. His wildly entertaining style of takes – Phi Synonym-a – has endeared him to fans this past year. But somehow, the committee did not reward him with a higher seed. Despite this, his first round matchup against Sean McAdam, who I’m not even sure is still in sports, is a walkover. From there, he will move on to face, in all likelihood, DJ Bean in the round of 32. Mothers lock up your daughters, this matchup is going to be a dog fight, a phone booth game, and played in a very dark place. (and I don’t mean a vineyard Night) Whoever emerges from this will have proven that they can take a pounding. Look for Gasper to come out on top.

Why he won’t win

The voters are very much committed to legacy. Dan Shaughnessy is human vomit, obviously. But has he done enough this year to merit the generous seeding? (Dan is, of course, a generous seeder himself) It’s tough to envision a scenario where Kid Gas goes toe-to-toe with Shank. It might be closer than you think but it doesn’t feel like it’s Chris’ time yet. He’s going to come at the king, so he best not miss. (note: I’ll bet you a free TruCoat that Chris has tweeted some variation of “best not miss” because he’s an erudite consumer of high culture like The Wire, but also, he has a significant amount of “street cred” as they call it.) Sadly, for this single ploy pinto, he won’t make it to the Final Four.

ANDY GRESH

Why he’ll win

Let it not be said that Moe Gresh doesn’t have big game experience. The man played with his hand in the dirt and in his nose. When you’ve competed at the highest levels of football (Rhode Island) and you almost beat Hofstra that one time, your resume speaks for its flippin’ self. What kind of cat is Gresh? One that knows how to win.

Why he won’t win

A 2 seed!? A 2 seed!? (you should read that in the incredulous Michael Holley voice) The committee must have had a bad ice cube whilst seeding the N region. Even if he manages to squeak by the Greek Freak John Karalis, he’s headed for a buzzsaw in the most underseeded mediot of the tourney, one Tom E Curran. This is just a bad matchup for Gresh. Curran is peaking at the right time (the last six years) and Gresh is giving time and temp with a mumbling Rick Teef.

FITZY

Why he’ll win

Speaking of Greeks, he’s by far the best Hellenic-masquerading-as-a-Mick in the entire field. Fitzy is a real riser, a stretch 4 (see because his face looks like pulled taffy) who could make some noise in the early rounds. If you didn’t think the committee had a sense of humor, look no further than the laugh riot matchup in the round of 32 between Fitzy and Big Gym Murray. Like Rickles and Pryor in their primes. There’s no love – or scally caps – lost when these two get together.

Why he won’t win

Fitzy? More like can’t-fit-see-him-advancing-to-the-sweet-sixteen.

LOU MERLONI

Why he’ll win

Wanna see him pull a deep run out of his hat? The Fabulous Merloni, back for another run. His hair is the same natural color as another proven March winner, Coach K. He’s had historical success in the poles [sic] and the Big Dance. (The Mashpee Ballet)

Why he won’t win

What? You don’t think he’s gonna win the whole damn thing? Sniff. Ok. Ok. Fine. Sure. You’re gonna bet against the guy who has to matchup against the overall 1 seed who is currently stomping his dick 24-3 in the ratings? Ok. Fine. Sure. Sniff.

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