The 15

2024 March Sadness, Day Two! You’re about to see more zeroes than a binary code. Here’s a preview of Day 2 as we work our way to the worst of the worst:

REGION C :

(5) Gary Washburn v. (WC) Shukri Wrights: Washburn is a typical haughty Globe dipshit and a sneakily despicable mediot that’s managed to fly under the radar. Bonus points for Gary in this matchup due to Joe Mazzulla’s open and undisguised contempt for him.

Shukri is a grifting carpetbagger with a Charlie Card, an iPhone, and multiple concussions after trips and falls during his walk-and-talks. THE PICK: Print media is dead, Shukri advances. All abroad!

(6) Kevin L Paul Dupont* v. (11) Sean McAdam: Elderly haughty Globe dipshit takes on journeyman self-important Boston baseball dipshit. THE PICK: Either one is cannon fodder in the round of 32, but we’ll take McAdam and hope Greg Bedard finally reimbursed him.

(2) Chris Gasper v. (15) Jared Weiss: Tyson/McNeely had more drama. THE PICK: The effete, foppish, and spinsterish Gasper’s mendacity overwhelms The Athletic’s Weiss.

* (KLPD won Michael Hurley’s middle initial during last year’s Tournament)

REGION V:

(4) James Stewart v. (WC) Henry McKenna: McKenna’s claim to fame: Playing Larry Bird in Winning Time (*citation needed).

Jimmy Stewart is dishonest, fucks cats, has a disgusting hunchback, and kicks field goals like a less athletic Governor Greg Abbott (R-TX). Other than that, he’s the tops. THE PICK: The Catfucker in a rout.

(3) Fred Toucher v. (14) Kendra Middleton: What can you say about Fred Toucher that his ex-wife hasn’t said post-coitus to her personal trainer?

As for Kendra – Take one part NYC hack Nick Stevens, mix with one part Jacksonville Kendra, top off with a few simps, and voila: Titzy! Quick suggestion for Titzy: If you’re going into the 98.5 studios in person, bring pepper spray and a taser. You’re going to need it. THE PICK: Freddie T. squeaks by.

(7) Pete Abraham v. (10) Matt McCarthy: This is the Back To The Future match-up: Rabid Anti-Dentite McCarthy gets a look at his future self, Pete Abe. Spoiler: he’s an asshole in the future, too. THE PICK: McCarthy and gingivitis.

REGION N:

(8) Mark Dondero v. (9) Michael Hurley: With the possible exception of flailing North Carolinian Cerrone Battle, no one wants to win this tournament more than Dondy. Dondero’s work at WPRI-12 in Providence producing video essays celebrating Patriots success didn’t capture Felger’s attention, nor did his cringe-worthy spoken word videos. Shit on the Celtics and Jayson Tatum? You had the Milwaukee Cuck at hello – here’s a 98.5 fill-in gig! (Not a Lavanchy style fill-in.) Poor Dondy thinks he’s Dennis Quaid as Jim Morris in The Rookie when he’s really Rick Lancellotti getting ready for another year at McCoy Stadium.

Michael Hurley tweets room temperature Dad jokes. Michael Hurley is a digital sports producer at WBZ.com. He’s worked at WBZ for more than 10 years. Previously, he covered Boston sports for NESN.com. With a bio this unremarkable, Michael Hurley might be in the Witness Protection Program. THE PICK: Dondero, easily.

(6) Mike Giardi v. (11) Taylor Kyles: Giardi, who moonlights as Jimmy Garoppolo’s fluffer, went from the NFL Network to mopping the bathrooms at BSJ HQ. Impressive career arc, stupid.

Taylor Kyles has Twitter rabbit ears, is younger than Mac Jones, earnestly grinds tape and somehow, to paraphrase Paul Mooney, makes Steve Burton look like Malcolm X. The blow-dried BSJ prick is THE PICK: Giardi.

(3) Chad Finn v. (WC) Gethin Coolbaugh: Chad Finn is real and unspectacular. Chad Finn is a cuck for a cuck, managing PR for Michael Felger’s show and will get around to finally excoriating Tony Massarotti’s for his overt racist comments on African Americans being car thieves once the technology to send a fax to the Globe reaches Mid-Coast Maine.

I’m not convinced “Gethin Coolbaugh” is real, but here’s a brief bio: He works for the Associated Press (that’s still a thing?) and the Boston Sports Jourinal (AKA unpaid internship). I’ll leave it up to you to decide if this is AI or not, but he sounds like Judge Smails narrating small font without wearing his reading glasses:

REGION T:

Region T is stacked with matchups almost too good for the first round.

(6) Andy Hart v. (11) Nick Cattles: This matchup is the ’27 Yankees vs. the ’86 Celtics of unearned arrogance, ignorance, and entitlement.

In the words of Junior Soprano, Andy Hart is so far behind in the race he thinks he’s ahead. His combination of belligerence and stupidity is rivaled only by Greg Bedard. (Nice job disproving Little Man’s Syndrome, Dumbo.) Hart was born in the on-deck circle and life immediately DFA’d him.

Nick Cattles can’t get a job in Boston radio because the sense inside the building is he’s a argumentative dick. He can’t sniff a fill-in shift because no one can stand him. Nick Cattles solicited people on Twitter to unload his moving truck for no pay. Nick Cattles lost a significant sum of money to a Nigerian Prince and tweeted about it. In possibly related news, Nick Cattles now has a Patreon teasing even MORE shitty takez than already spews on The Nick Cattles Podcast, Cattles on Causeway, The Greg Bedard Podcast, or at his spot near Mass and Cass. THE PICK: A tradition as old as time: Dumbo gets passed over. Nickelless wins.

(7) Brian Scalabrine v. (10) Meghan Ottolini: Scalabrine is unlistenable on Celtics broadcasts and makes you thankful MUTE exists, particularly when he starts with uncomfortable voice affectations. MegO is awful on WEEI, but that’s not Olive Oyl’s from Maryland’s fault – that’s management’s fault for batting her in the clean-up slot of failure. If failure is anorexia, then call failure ‘Adam Jones’. THE PICK: Per usual: Jonezy wins at losing. By association, MegO moves on.

(2) Andrew Callahan v. (WC) Cerrone Battle: No one has benefited more from Thunder and Mayo’s Happy Hour Summit than Andrew Callahan of the Wingo Square Shitrag. Did anyone think Callahan would be a 2 seed this time last year? As far as I can tell, the only difference between Andrew Callahan and a writer for the Duxbury Clipper is that a writer for the Clipper can afford to live in Duxbury. If the print-edition of the Herald shrinks any further, Andy Hart will use it as bedding. Callahan is a walking Herald stereotype: he works cheap and will soon be replaced by AI.

Wildcard winner Cerrone Battle is an interesting case: he’s lives in North Carolina, but is OFD: Originally From Dorchester. He was once on the right side of history regarding the racist assholes manning the afternoon show on 98.5 The SportsKlan. I wonder what happened?

Those tweets – guess what? He’s deleted them.

Battle’s fealty to Felger and Mazz was bought and paid for with the promise of fill-in shifts and some weekend hours. You can argue that’s more offensive than anything Tony Massarotti has said about car thieves.

THE PICK: Callahan wins. Battle loses his soul.

Mike Irons lives in the Blade Runner/Dark Angel-esk rain-drenched dystopian Pacific Northwest.