The 15

01/02/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 2, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Pats really went from the greatest coach of all time to a lobotomized Wal-Mart greeter.

Hot stove warming up. John Tomase is a free agent.

Robert Kraft thought the young(?) lady who jerked him off for $40 was in love with him. He’s an idiot.

How many fucking Achos we got anyway?

Starting my 2025 with a cup of coffee followed by a gym session like every other day because i didn’t wait for a fake reset to change my life

There is now a paucity of Gumbels. RIP.

Didn’t Morgan Geekie start to heat up after American Thanksgiving last year too? Maybe he’s just anti-American Thanksgiving and just gets going after it.

Did Jerry’s bullshit detector also die last year?

Can you shoot too many threes in a 54 point win? Asking for a friend.

Overheard outside Fenway Park: “Look at that big f***in green wall!”

Up too early, couldn’t fall back asleep. But at least the GOAT, The Wizard of Oz, was on TNT. 617 well repped among the main cast.

Oregon died on the Oregon Trail from dysentery…

Cakes are cooking for Jack Hanna, Joanna Pacula, Lynne Cox, Gabrielle Carteris, David Cone, Edgar Martínez, Greg Swindell, Cuba Gooding Jr, Christy Turlington, Royce Clayton, Renée Elise Goldsberry, Taye Diggs, Christopher Lennertz, Mattias Norström, Dax Shepard, Paz Vega, Brian Boucher, Anthony Carrigan, Kate Bosworth, Heather O’Reilly, Trombone Shorty, Bryson Tiller, and Fernando Tatis Jr.

Everyone should have a wife with an addy script.

Every single breakfast table in America had a sugar bowl on it in the 70s and early 80s. Didn’t matter if it was toasted sugarcane – people sprinkled it with a tablespoon.

I love the people saying “I’m sure Mayo is a nice guy.” Is he? He seems like a prick.

Hey gang of dastardly doxxers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You’re a fool if you reconsider based off of that gold toothed loser.”

Tyler Herro is the T-1000 of wiggers.

I will be putting a syndicate investment group together if I have enough interest so we can buy out Robert Kraft & own the NE Pats if he does not fire everyone involved in football operations – stay tuned!

The Canadian Juniors lost to a team the US Juniors team couldn’t locate on a map!

ReliaQuest Bowl < CarQuest Bowl.

NHL players are attracted to broads with Denny’s waitress physiognomy. That’s just science.

Trolling is way too much fun.

Green Line E branch: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a disabled train at Prudential. Trains may stand by at stations.

Does Kevin O’Connell count on the “Belichick Tree” or is he doing too well?

‘Stepping Out’ by Joe Jackson still bangs.

The days between Christmas and New Years Day are a free for all. There’s no school. Work is an after thought. It’s fair game to pour a drink at any time of the day. Every day feels like Friday. Sneaky best week of the year.

Merry Christmas from Charlestown, Grapes.

The Patriots forgot to hire a Chief Winning Officer! Duh!

My favorite part of the quads is when they try to say that someone’s quad 1 wins were all against the bottom half of the quadrant. So why not have eighths?

The world needs more guys named Silas.

The Tigers are reportedly “all-in” on Alex Bregman.

Good luck to you, John Tomase. I can’t afford you to clean my stables, because I don’t have any stables, because I don’t have any horses. But good luck.

Pertinent song lyrics excerpt!

Does Ross Tucker daylight at Atamian?

I’ve been listening to the games more than watching them, so I get to hear Mayo with Zo pregame a lot. It’s embarrassing

Can’t have clown hair and be a kicker.

I sleep well at night knowing I could absolutely dog walk most of the “men” who call themselves alphas on here. And 100% of the ones who have it in their Twitter name.

Honk if you remember Y2K.

Wayne’s World and Wayne’s World 2 still hold up after 30 years.

That was so targeting.

Are all sizes of Cumby’s Kratom packages the same price?

6. Shoot some hoops.

When the offense is closing in on the end zone and the defense calls time to set the defense they want, they are also giving the OFFENSE a free time out. I always get the feeling that defensive coordinators don’t get that.

Have a more Portuguese thing than a Christmas tree made out of lobster traps.

We have cards?

I’m blocked by Tomase. Someone tell him he can go back to his first love, selling $5 footlongs on tv.

Pour one out for Rich Homie Quan, Hans ‘Prime’ Dobson, Fatman Scoop, TJ Swan, BeatKing, Julio Foolio, DJ Mister C, Chino XL, Saafir The Saucee Nomad, Chubbie Baby, DJ Clark Kent, Rico Wade, Bo$$, DJ Casper, OG Maco, Ka, Brother Marquis, Enchanting, and DJ Polo.

Eversource is tanned. Eversource is rested. Eversource is ready.

Best bet for the weekend: Pats fumble the #1 overall draft pick bag.

BdlG wants you to stride confidently into 2025.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

And happy birthday to actress/singer Tia Carrere.

Football Cat’s Week 17 Picks

Posted on December 27, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Happy New Year from Football Cat!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? The answer is a resounding “YES”! It’s best to leave the past in the past. Your New Year’s resolution should be to not dwell on lost loves and move forward. New year, new you. Don’t spend your nights listening to Spotify and crying yourself to sleep over what might have been with Olivia or Jackie or Brad. Lift a cup of kindness and throw it right in their face!

Or you could just resolve to stop drinking again.

SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Chargers (-4) at Patriots
Patriots shock the Bolts like it’s 1985

In 2025 Coach Mayo resolves to be *even more* open with his good friends in the media.

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Broncos at Bengals (-3)
Stripey Cats keep their playoff chances alive

SATURDAY PROWL TIME
Cardinals at Rams (-6)
Rams rout Red Birds

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Colts (-7.5) at Giants
Giant tank job continues

Jets at Bills (-10)
McDermott’s men hijack Jets and send them crashing back to Earth

Titans at Jaguars (-1)
Spotty Cats can’t handle Tits

Raiders (-1.5) at Saints
Raiders win again, they must really hate the idea of drafting Shedeur Sanders.

Panthers at Buccaneers (-8)
Scary Black Cats sink Bucs

Tampa should have consulted “Unsinkable Sam”

Cowboys at Eagles (-9.5)
American Birds keep the pressure on the Jungle Kings

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Dolphins at Browns (-6.5)
Elves shelve Miami

Packers at Vikings (-1.5)
Vikings mince Meat Men

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons at Commanders (-4)
Commies swamp Falcons

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Lions (-3.5) at 49ers
Jungle Kings poach Prospectors’ patellas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

12/26/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 26, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Celtics can’t just have an off-game or not play their best. Any loss is an indictment of their system and the coaching that goes into it. Like the Dynasty Patriots when every win was a formality, and every loss was a referendum on the team’s legacy. It’s fucking tiresome. They lost by 4, so chill the fuck out and shut the fuck up. This team is fine.

Rickey doesn’t like this talk about Rickey being dead. Hopefully someone tells his John Olerud story again.

My favorite Shaq endorsement is printer ink.

Say what you will about Craig Breslow, but a guy who spends his Christmas Eve searching for Mickey Gasper trade partners is a guy I want running my baseball team.

Milt Pappas is a great name.

So the late and bafflingly lamented Bunky Donaldson was a negative piece of shit even during the most impressive dynasty in team sports history? Good guy! He will not be missed in this quarter, despite his savant-like ability to ‘phone a restaurant and make reservations.’

Mina Kimes providing *significantly* more insight and information than RGIII and Teo is really tough for the “you have to play football to analyze football” crowd.

Pneumonia is psychosomatic.

You can have a turnover-prone running back and win games. You can have a turnover-prone quarterback and win games. But it’s tough to win games having both.

I’ve had a theory since I was a kid but I’ve never known if it makes any sense, but it’s that the sharp/crisp sound of the audio of movies in theaters is meant to subliminally make you want to buy popcorn because of how crisp popcorn sounds when you say it.

Cakes are cooking for John Walsh, Carlton Fisk, Chris Chambliss, Ozzie Smith, Peter Woods, David Sedaris, Gail Tatterson, Karen Smith, Adrian Newey, Temuera Morrison, Lars Ulrich, Tim Legler, Jared Leto, Ryan Berube, Tiffany Brissette, Tony Brackens, Chris Daughtry, Kit Harrington, and Lucille Burdge.

Also, is it just me or are popcorn ceilings designed to make you reflexively say, “did you finish?”

Getting my period tomorrow and sobbing after two drinks today because Randy Moss doesn’t have a super bowl ring.

Wait, what?

Dickie V is going to Beetlejuice his cancer back.

Newburyport Train 146 (7:54 am from Newburyport) is cancelled due to a mechanical issue. Passengers will be accommodated by Train 148 (8:49 am from Newburyport). Passengers between Beverly and N Station may also consider Train 106 (8:13 am from Rockport).

I’m trying to figure out what ‘Sopan Deb’ is an anagram for.

Stormy Buonantony can’t be real.

Orlando and Philadelphia going with the old Pistons the end theory. Just foul every play. They won’t call them all.

I don’t have Netflix so I can’t watch football.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing good ever comes from fucking around with a white girl.”

not even a full hour after everyone left did i start taking down my christmas decor. not because i was sick of it, but because the post christmas depression is too real.

Lobsters aren’t fish.

I’d like to know more about the welding school gap year.

When the literal sound of unclean audio is best explained by the word POP you might need to huddle up and run it again, stupid.

I had a dream last night that I met Sylvester Stallone and his wife. His hair was kinda blonde, which was surprising, but all I wanted to do is tell him how big a fan Kirk Minihane was of his and how the Rocky movies were some of his favorite movies (as if that was some big revelation). He was a great guy (duh!) and I was about to take a photo with him so I could share with you all on X, but then I woke up damnit. I swear I didn’t even take a gummy before bed. But alas, here’s to a very Merry Christmas to Sly and Kirk as well!

The name “Bregman” means a person who lives near a river or stream. So I’m sure the Charles would work in his favor.

Fun Fact: Bruins defenseman “Terrible” Ted Green set NHL penalty record of 3 minors, 2 majors & 2 game misconducts in a game against NY Rangers in NY’s Madison Square Garden on this day in 1968.

Have you ever met anyone that watches Charlie Moore?

I get all the rapes and pedophilia at Happy Valley, but what an atmosphere going on there during the college football playoffs.

Every time I read Shalise Manza Young’s name I hear Jose Feliciano saying it to the tune of Feliz Navidad:

Shalise Manza Young,
Shalise Manza Young.
She’s not with her family
she’s in Foxboro,
watching Patrick Chung.

Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young.
Shalise Manza Young
She went into the baño,
Oh, what have they done?

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
It’s just a shame when somebody pisses,
On the seat where the chica sits-es,
And then the crust from the Pizza Huuuuut!

Walker Buehler feels like an excellent addition for the Boston Red Sox. I hope their new starters from Vanderbilt (Buehler) & Tennessee (Garrett Crochet) can get along in Boston.

Tony Brothers looks like someone tried to Grok “Black Pete Abraham.”

Had a Buffalo Chicken Wrap for lunch, could have used more blue cheese tho.

Honk if you remember the last time there was a White Christmas.

Six-time NBA All-Star Jimmy Butler prefers a trade out of Miami ahead of the Feb. 6 deadline according to league sources.

19 pitchers in baseball history have finished the season with exactly 10 wins and 18 losses. The first pitcher ever to do that was Ned Garvin, with the Cubs in 1900. The last pitcher to do it was Jerry Garvin, with the Blue Jays in 1977.

Beyoncé should have had to rope a calf.

I swear a lot of American pro sports teams have teenagers running their social media accounts.

Travis Kelce sounds like he’s trying to make up for Mahomes’ lack of blackness.

Best bet for the weekend: white boy Ladd McConkey.

*Did Mina ask to be dressed like an anime villain? If so: nailed it.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m your dream, make you real.

*And a happy Boxing Day birthday to English singer Jade Thirlwall, formerly of Little Mix, which could be a band, or a village.*

Football Cat’s Week 16 Picks

Posted on December 20, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style, in the air there’s a feeling of Christmas. And in the spirit of the holiday season, the animals of The 15, and animals adjacent to The 15, have pooled their meager resources and gifted Football Cat a well deserved week off.

SATURDAY LUNCH TIME
Texans at Chiefs (-2.5)
Marv thinks that, while the Chiefs may appear harmless, KC will suddenly snap and go for the Texans jugular.

SATURDAY DINNER TIME
Steelers at Ravens (-6.5)
Jocko isn’t a fan of the Black Birds, he takes the Steelers.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Cardinals (-4.5) at Panthers
Jocko also isn’t a fan of the Black Cats, he takes the Cardinals.

Giants at Falcons (-9)
Rams (-3) at Jets
Spuckie the rat loves both New York teams to at least cover.

Spuckie loved going on long walks with his owner LJ Sandwich (OOTGs)

Lions (-6.5) at Bears
Gus takes Detroit in a huge bounce back game in chilly Chicago after a loss against Buffalo.

Titans at Colts (-3.5)
Millie says to lay it all on the Tits

Eagles (-3.5) at Commanders
Remi takes the Eagles over the Commanders.

Browns at Bengals (-7.5)
The Cleveland Pig digs the Browns (and truffles).

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Vikings (-3) at Seahawks
Loki wishes he could fly like a real non-existent Seahawk.

Jaguars at Raiders (-1)
And Jocko really doesn’t like the Black Hole!

49ers at Dolphins (-1)
Jasper would prefer backing a team from Virginia Beach, but Miami Beach is a close second.

Patriots at Bills (-14)
Bo has unwavering faith in the Coach Quick Slants.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Buccaneers (-4) at Cowboys
Dooze loves the Cowboys especially when they play with their roof open.

Did you hear about the dog park on the moon?

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Saints at Packers (-13.5)
Paco backs the Meat Men, preferably with a nice coating of Rub Smoke Love BEEF CAKE premium all-natural beef rub and seasoning.

All the best food seasonings are sold at True Value

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

12/18/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 18, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Bill’s going to quickly learn that you do not simply walk into the JMA Wireless Dome.

Pasta. Such the good kid.

Garrett Crochet is a Red Sox. Can he also DH?

In a serious country Jerod Mayo would be beaten with hammers.

This might shock you but Bill Simmons has a dumb idea for solving a problem that doesn’t exist.

The Red Zone waiting countdown music sounds like a Pokemon Tournament.

A broken unemployed loser is right twice a day.

It’s awful the Celtics offensive philosophy has led to more than four times as many wins as losses.

Cakes are cooking for Jacques Pépin, Keith Richards, Steven Spielberg, Elliot Easton, John Webster, Brian Orser, Brad Pitt, Charles Oakley, Steve Austin, Tommy Davidson, Bob Corkum, Casper Van Dien, Joe Randa, Rob Van Dam, Arantxa Sanchez Vicario, Neil Little, DJ Lethal, Peter Boulware, Trish Stratus, Katie Holmes, Christina Aguilera, Fernando Jara, Ashley Benson, Barbora Krejčíková, and Billie Eilish.

Ty Cobb was born today too. He was set in his ways.

“Van Pelt didn’t even know I insulted him!” isn’t as compelling a defense as Jerod Mayo thinks.

My feed is dominated by lists and polls, probably because I’ve interacted with a couple of them along the way. The AI somehow got the wrong idea and thinks I want to go steady. I mean, when a baseball site wants my opinion on Larry vs. LeBron, you know X has gone off the rails.

Hey gang of beta males, this week’s Phrase that Pays is. “Yeah…I’ll type hashtag alpha, that’ll show him.”

I just bought 4 Austin Blaske jerseys for the family.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a disabled train near Wood Island. Trains may stand by at stations.

“Chapel Bill.” Get it? Get it?

Pat Chung; bad boyfriend, great player and teammate.

In 2018, 2019, 2022 and 2023, Alex Bregman had more walks than strikeouts. Last year his walk rate dropped by 50%, K/W rate was 2-1. How do we explain that?

News Item: Iowa women’s basketball announced Caitlin Clark will see her number in the rafters on February 2, 2025.

Mayo thinks he’s reassuring people by telling them he talks to the owners multiple times a day.

Football Overlord? Is Charley Casserly available?

I want everyone here to read Football Cat’s NFL Picks or else risk winding up on the Naughty List.

Substitution, mass confusion
Clouds inside your head
Involving all my energies
Until you visited
With your eyes of porcelain and of blue
They shock me into sense
You think you’re so illustrious
You call yourself intense

It’s an orangy sky
Always it’s some other guy
It’s just a broken lullaby
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love
Bye bye love-ov-ov-ove.

Calling the doctor’s office or pharmacy and selecting the healthcare provider option is my toxic trait.

Food Fact: While the cut for a standing rib roast is often referred to as “prime rib”, the USDA does not require the cut to be derived from USDA Prime grade beef.

These drones are a fucking IQ test and we are failing.

The UVM coach can finally shave his mustache.

Love the fire departments lighting trees on fire to show the dangers of real trees, maybe even more than when they blow the hands off mannequins with M80’s in advance of the Fourth of July.

That bitch is puffy.

Honk if you remember who the survivors were from The Dirty Dozen.

Bill finally got PEPPAHS.

I’ll never understand companies like Coca-Cola & now Target using polar bears to try to sell stuff. They will 100% eat the face of any marketing target they encounter. They don’t care if you buy [whatever]. We’re their food, if given the chance. Who thought that could be cute?

Why couldn’t Time Magazine have named the entire WNBA the Athlete of the Year?

The Hess Truck can’t possibly be back and better than ever every single year.

Mac Jones may need to be placed in a medically induced coma.

I wonder if Navy Football calls that fake punt they ran in the win over Army a ‘Jap play.’ Probably not.

Enjoy your stupid Emirates NBA Cup, Milwaukee.

Best bet for the weekend: parking wicked far away from the mall.

*Vermont Catamounts. National Champions. Pretty neat.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. You’re not the only one with mixed emotions.

*And happy birthday to Mythbuster’s Kari Byron.*

Football Cat’s Week 15 Picks

Posted on December 13, 2024 by naop One comment

Interns beware! It’s that festive time of year again, tonight is the “The 15’s Annual Office Holiday Party”. ( It used to be the “The 15’s Annual Office Christmas Party”, but Carl did 23andMe this past year and, oy gevalt, he’s suddenly kosher.) But have no fear! Whether you spin the dreidel, or your savior was born in a stable, all you have to do is follow Football Cat’s 7 simple tips for a funtastic Office Holiday Party…

Spot the total number HR violations in this picture! Whoever comes closest will win a bonus day off* ^_(*unpaid)

Show Up: You do not want to be labeled as a party pooper. Get your ass to the party, they’ll be free drinks (see Tip #2).
Drink: Drink! There’s nothing people like more than talking about the person who had too much to drink at the office party. You’re just providing a public service.
Eat: If you don’t eat, you’ll get drunk too fast (see Tip #2). It’s science.
Dance: On the floor, on the table (see Tip #2) , whatever it takes.
Talk to the Big Boss: Make sure you’ve had a couple of drinks first (see Tip #2) . And make it quick. Get in, get out. Don’t linger.
Play Your Transportation By Ear: You’re going to drink (see Tip #2) so don’t drive, but don’t plan ahead either. There’s definitely someone in the office with Clara Barton Syndrome, or maybe it’s Clara Nightingale Syndrome – whichever the nice one was. It doesn’t really matter, just don’t puke in Clara’s car.
Be Prepared: Bring an extra pair of underwear, your toothbrush and your passport. You never know what will happen (see Tip #2).

Good luck and have fun (see Tip #2)!

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Chiefs (-4.5) at Browns
Chiefs scalp the Elves

Bengals (-5) at Titans
Stripey Cats pancake Tits

Tigers and pancakes? Someone’s getting cancelled.

Commanders (-7) at Saints
Godless Commies decanonize Saints

Ravens (-14.5) at Giants
Scary Black Birds jar Giants

Cowboys at Panthers (-2.5)
Scary Black Cats spook America’s Team

Jets (-3.5) at Jags
My Good Friend Mac finally owns!

Dolphins at Texans (-3.5)
Texans barbecue Dolphins

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Colts at Broncos (-4)
Big Broncos corral lil’ Colts

Bills at Lions (-2.5)
Hairy Cows trample Jungle Kings

Steelers at Eagles (-5)
Yinzers take the Keystone State Cup

Patriots at Cardinals (-6)
Pretty Red Birds fly past Mayo’s men

Buccaneers at Chargers (-3)
Brother Jim Hawkins’ gang zaps swashbucklers

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Packers (-3) at Seahawks
Fake Sea Birds aren’t in the mood for Love.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Bears at Vikings (-7)
Vikings plunder hibernating Bears

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Falcons (-5) at Raiders
Too bad Jerry Glanville isn’t alive to see his Falcons take down the Elvis impersonators #RIP

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

12/11/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 11, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Mark Dondero will be visited by three spirits on Christmas. It will be his highest-rated show ever.

I was told Adam Hart’s relevance wasn’t tied to Belichick.

So I guess it would be fair to suggest that Foxboro and Mansfield left it all on Martinelli Field on Turkey Day? Still, congrats to our lone champion, North Attleboro, but also thanks to Mansfield, Foxboro and King Philip for their outstanding seasons. On to courts and rinks.

Drew Carter actively tried to get Scalabrine fired by asking him why Jay Huff is sneaky athletic.

The performative outrage about Aroldis Chapman didn’t last very long.

Pam Oliver looks like Roscoe Lee Brown with a weave.

Bruins done got Winnipegged.

I still think Dartmouth and not University Park when I hear ‘SMU.’

The Parkers giving their kid a zeppelin for Christmas of ‘40 is kinda problematic. Was the Old Man a Lindbergh guy?

Bet Bryan wishes he just admitted to being Jake.

Cakes are cooking for Rita Moreno, David Gates, Donna Mills, John Kerry, Brenda Lee, Lynda Day George, Brad Bryant, Jermaine Jackson, Stu Jackson (no relation), Mike Mesaros, Nikki Sixx, Lisa Gastineau, Mary Beth Zimmerman, Darryl Jones, Mike Henneman, Ben Browder, Cosy Sheridan, Dave Gagner, Dave Schools, Justin Currie, Thomas Howard, Jay Bell, Martin Blunt, DJ Yella, Mo’Nique, Sean Grande, Errict Rhett, Willie McGinest, Daniel Alfredsson, Mos Def, Rey Mysterio, Gerben de Knegt, Rider Strong, Zacky Vengance, Samantha Ponder, and Malcolm Brogdon.

I’m hearing that The Civ Report is doing Girl at the Game type numbers!

No buzz in here about the MLB draft lottery??

Being from Roslindale and ending up in Randolph is like being born on 2nd base and ending up on 1st.

The Hawk Tuah Girl’s cybercurrency thing wasn’t called, ‘SpitCoin?’ No wonder it crashed.

Orange Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem near Wellington.

What a collection of talent we have. We’re the fucking LA Dodgers of trolls, except all the money is deferred forever.

When an official gets hurt, I think the broadcast referee expert should suit up and take his spot.

Still not sure I can trust a guy named Ollie.

Hey gang of talentless journeymen, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “”I’m on my fourth team in five years. I think I know a little something about how the NFL works, Troy.”

Dart Adams? Still boring.

My current belief is that Gemini sometimes runs real simulations, but sometimes reports the results of hallucinated simulations. Which is obviously a problem.

I just found a bargain on a Canucks shirt on Fanatics.

Accidentally made my nephew cry by telling him I saw the elf on the shelf drinking from the toilet.

No better place to rehab your damaged image from racist emails than with Barstool.

I saw Wicked and that shit bangs so hard. It fucking rocks.

Yeah, we hate our lives, not the twin slobs who mainline 14 hours of sports radio a day.

Stockton got smoked.

A yellow ESPN alert on the ticker during a football game will never not fool me that there’s a flag.

In the future, everyone will rug a memecoin for fifteen minutes.

Azzez Al-Shaair hit Trevor Lawrence like, I don’t know, a plane hitting some sort of tall building.

Seriously, though, when is the award-winning Kendra Middleton on the radio?

Rockin’ around the Christmas tree at the Christmas party hop.
Mistletoe hung where you can see every couple tries to stop.
Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, let the Christmas spirit ring.
Later, we’ll have some pumpkin pie, and we’ll do some caroling.

You will get a sentimental feelin’
When you hear.
Voices singin’, “Let’s be jolly (ooh)
Deck the halls with boughs of holly.”

Rockin’ around the Christmas tree, have a happy holiday.
Everyone dancin’ merrily in the new old-fashioned way.

For 2025, Wilyer Abreu vs. Teoscar H is kind of a 50/50 proposition. Over the next 3 years, Wilyer will have twice as much value as Teoscar. Over 5 years, three times as much.

As a bit of a fragrance expert (I am a collector) I will be testing this Trump perfume out and reviewing it.

You can have your Dame Time. I’ll take my Holiday Time.

Sources: The New England Revolution are set to name Gillette as their new jersey sponsor. This deal has been in the works for some time.

Honk if you remember the JFK Lufthansa Heist.

Time for another December of ‘who the fuck are these people that sent us a Christmas card?’

You took what’s yours, Shawsheen Tech Rams.

Everything that you are involved in, please do the research and learn to educate yourself.

‘Chuck Terrific’ is the name DJ Bean uses at the glory holes.

Remember if you see standing water on the road you can probably get through it – it’s probably not as deep as you think.

Commissioner Silver’s performance as Nosferatu is Oscar-worthy.

I can’t believe that WEEI interviewed a guy who spent a month on the Patriots in 2005 as a Belichick expert. Well, I guess I can.

All the fanciest domiciles have “unit” in the address.

I have a Chinese symbol for the word foot tattooed on my foot.

Larry Fitz Senior is the black Curt Schilling.

Best bet for the weekend: the Kansas City Chiefs win by two scores for a change.

*“I asked Coach Tomlin if he expects Russell Wilson to return. He said, ‘most likely’, then blinked a lot. Back to you guys.”*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Red Six, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Just to win the love of a girl like you.

*And happy birthday to actress-singer Hailee Steinfeld.*

Football Cat’s Week 14 Picks

Posted on December 6, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!

Don’t we have interns to cover for me for *one* week?

And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUY week at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Jaguars at Titans (-4)
Tits motorboat Spotty Cats

Jets at Dolphins (-6)
Tua melts Jets

Falcons at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape Raptors

Saints (-4.5) at Giants
David takes down Goliath

You don’t want to get on Davey’s bad side

Panthers at Eagles (-12)
Scary Black Cats spook American Birds

Browns at Steelers (-6.5)
Yinzers flush Browns

Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez

What do you call a *pirate* with a *cat* on his shoulder? *A purr-ate.*

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5)
Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds

Bills (-5) at Rams
Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle

Bears at 49ers (-4.5)
Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5)
Native Americans short circuit Plugs

Trail of Tears? Sounds like my prom night!

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Bengals (-5) at Cowboys
Stripey Cats do Dallas

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

12/4/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on December 4, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

What do you say to a ballclub with two black eyes?

Mayo parlayed having the aisle seat across from Kraft on a long haul flight to being the HC of the Patriots.

Bruins kept it respectable in the Centennial Game and didn’t score nine on Montreal.

Scals 9 sweaters and sport coat isn’t hiding his juicy Bertrand’s

This is sad to see with Justin Tucker. Feels like a superhero losing all his or her powers.

‘Skatteboo’ sounds like a slur Tony Mazz didn’t know the provenance of but used anyway.

Aaron Rodgers is a puppy.

Cakes are cooking for Wink Martindale, Freddy Cannon, Terry Woods, Southside Johnny, Jeff Bridges, Pamela Stephenson, Rick Middleton, Cassandra Wilson, Dave Taylor, Bernard King, Lee Smith, Raul Boesel, Frank Reich, Danny Weinkauf, Sergey Bubka, Marisa Tomei, Veronica Taylor, Fred Armisen, Mike Barrowman, Jay-Z, Jeff Blake, Shannon Briggs, Ted Johnson, Corliss Williamson, Kristina Groves, Jelly Roll, Joe Thomas, Carlos Gomez, Sara Civian, and Kin Seok-jin.

Gatorade would be about 30% more satisfying if they switched mainly to cans. Their thick plastic bottles take forever to get cold and almost never reach the ideal temperature.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “This dude is literally about to fumble the tardwife bag and I’m so sad for him

Good cancellin’ weathah. Ahyuh.

Providence fans acted like shitheads? No way! That hasn’t happened since the last time they had a home game!

I’d say I’m more handsome than Justin Tucker. Usually a great kicker- not too easy on the eyes.

Two straight weeks of Spero Dedes. The man with the energy of the head of the Springfield Box Factory.

In 1844, the Democrats were split
The three nominees for the presidential candidate
Were Martin Van Buren
A former president
And an abolitionist
James Buchanan, a moderate
Lewis Cass, a general and expansionist
From Nashville came a dark horse riding up
He was James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump

Austere, severe, he held few people dear
His oratory filled his foes with fear
The factions soon agreed
He’s just the man we need
To bring about victory
Fulfill our manifest destiny
And annex the land the Mexicans command
And when the poll was cast, the winner was
Mister James K. Polk, Napoleon of the Stump

Have we considered that Aroldis’s girlfriend might have been really annoying?

Moana 2 was tremendous.

Green Line Reminder: December 6 – 20 No train service between Medford/Tufts, Union Square, and Park St due to track work. Use shuttle buses between Medford/Tufts & North Station, Use the Orange Line downtown. Shuttles will not service Union Square – Use Bus routes 86 & 91.

Honk if you remember Boston Bruins’ right wing Andy Hebenton setting a new NHL record by playing in his 581st consecutive game. Of if you heard about it.

Thinking about watching Formula 2.

The secret to making the Thanksgiving leftovers last is to not have any the very next day.

Hey, you’re not the first guy to out himself by trying to get Barstool dudes to notice them, you won’t be the last.

Helping your parents watch something on espn+ should be an Olympic event.

Great job taking what’s yours, Michigan Wolverines.

Best bet for the weekend: NBA Cup Mania!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW‘ Old Friend NASCL, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

*And Happy Birthday to supermodel/actress Tyra Banks.*

Football Cat’s Week 13 NFL Picks

Posted on November 29, 2024 by naop One comment

It’s BLACK FRIDAY!

Don’t worry, a deranged pilot is not going to fly a blimp into an NFL stadium near you. It means it’s your chance to save SAVE SAVE!

Just visit the the official “The 15” store, and with a few clicks (and a valid credit card) you can take care of all your holiday shopping and enjoy all the football.