Category Archives: Ink-Stained Wretches

2025 March Sadness Round 1 Day 1 Preview

Preview!

Region C

5 Andy Hart vs 12 Tom Carroll
UPSET ALERT! Tommy Freezepops will release his inner fat slob (who is destined to resurface at a moment’s notice) and squash mighty mite Dumbo Hart like the little cockroach he is.

3 Jim Murray vs 14 Evan Lazar
Lazar made a strong push over the weekend when he incorrectly reported that Myles Garrett had been given permission by the Browns to seek a trade, and then after his followers pointed out he was incorrect, he quickly – without admitting the error – pivoted to a slightly altered stance so he could still appear “right”. A complete weasel move by the Lizard. However Jim Murray is truly a odious human being with no redeeming qualities and will win this match up in a landslide.

6 Brian Scalabrine vs 11 Drew Carter
The Mike Gorman Memorial match-up, where you, yes YOU, get to determine who is to blame for the sharp drop in the quality of Celtics broadcasts! We’d tell you how Scal thinks this one is going to turn out, but given Scal’s horrific record at replay review predictions, you’d already know the result. (Pssst, Scal is confident that Drew pulls off the upset.)

Region V

8 Jerry Thornton vs 9 Doug Kyed
Last fall Jerry buried two of his brothers. Today he buries Kyed.

6 Jimmy Stewart vs 11 Matt McCarthy
McTeethy should be a nervous as cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Although most intelligent cats would rather be in a room full of rocking chairs than in a room with J-Stew.

Region N

4 Mike Giardi vs 13 Michael Holley
“It’s Girardi not Girardi, idiot.”

6 Nick Cattles vs 11 Mike Kadlick
Kadlick was last year’s Cinderella story, but this year it’s pumpkin head Cattles who gets to dance with Prince Charming.

Region T

1 Marc Bertrand vs 16 Joe Murray
Joe Murray seems seriously underrated as a 16 seed, but he has no chance in this battle of the behemoths. Bertrand swallows him whole.

4 Tony Massarotti vs 13 Matt Vautour
I’m not really familiar with Vautour’s work but I’m willing to believe it stinks. I’m all too familiar with Mazz’s work and I know it’s terrible.

3 Cerrone Battle Ackerman vs 14 Rob “Hardy” Poole
YOU didn’t think Ackerman should even be in this tournament! YOU thought the fact that he lives in podunk North Carolina and is completely out of touch with the Boston sports scene would be grounds for exclusion. Now YOU can’t wait to vote for him.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

March Sadness Tournament Five Timer’s Club

Let’s hear it for these local media ‘personalities’ who have been involved in this tournament since its inception. Some obvious names, and some unexpected ones. Might one of them finally take home the crown?

Pete Abraham

Christian Arcand

Marc Bertrand

Albert Breer

Trenni Casey

Kevin F. Paul Dupont

Michael Felger

Chad Finn

Christopher Gasper

Mike Giardi

Joe Haggerty

Andy Hart

Adam Jones

Rich Keefe

Tony Massarotti

Jim Murray

Bob Ryan

Dan Shaughnessy

Jerry Thornton

Fred Toucher

Scott Zolak

Patriots Surging Ahead at the Quarter Pole: The Plan is Working to Perfection

All Hail Jerod, The Great Helmsman.

By A.I. Bot Breer:

Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots are on a perfectly executed path to future dominance at the quarter mark of the 2024 season, and anyone who doubts this could be missing the bigger picture. Despite their current 2-6 record, which is simply a minor blip on their trajectory, the Patriots have laid the foundation for what will surely be a return to glory in the coming years. Head coach Jerod Mayo has created a master plan that emphasizes long-term growth, and we are seeing the early stages of a renaissance!

First, let’s talk about the defense. Christian Gonzalez and Keion White are emerging as superstar talents. Gonzalez has been a shutdown corner, neutralizing some of the league’s top wide receivers, and White is already one of the best pass rushers in the NFL with four sacks in just four games, on par with elite defenders like Myles Garrett. It’s clear this defensive duo will lead the league for years to come.

Jerod The Inspiring is wearing The Pin. How can you do any less!?!

On offense, while some may criticize the passing game, the Patriots are playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. Rhamondre Stevenson is a beast, leading a ground attack ranked 12th in the league, averaging 127 rushing yards per game. Forget the fumbles; that’s just the universe throwing obstacles in the path to greatness. With time, Stevenson’s ball security will match his explosive playmaking ability, making him one of the most feared backs in the NFL. Yes, the offensive line has had some hiccups, but that’s just part of the Patriots’ master plan to build resilience. The team is rotating through linemen at a breakneck pace, preparing for a future where no other franchise will be able to match their depth and versatility.

Jerod is Smart. S-M-R-T.

As for the quarterback situation, Jacoby Brissett and Drake Maye are part of a visionary strategy designed to slowly but surely cultivate a future superstar. The Patriots aren’t concerned with short-term optics; they are focused on building a sustainable system that will once again make them perennial favorites in the AFC.

Mark it down—this team is on the brink of something special. Give them time, and they may soon reign over the AFC East again.

First the East, then the Conference, and then…who knows?

Note: Old Friend ‘Uncle Gizmo’ took a cue from a recent Entitled Town podcast. He input into ChatGPT: “I’d like to create a story in the current style of Albert Breer. It would be a glowing story about New England Patriots coach Jerod Mayo and would use as its base Patriots media releases for the last month.” The first result was Jerod Mayo: The Emerging Leader Patriots Fans Always Needed. You just read the follow-up, written after NFL Week 5.

Unasked Questions to Coach Jerod Mayo

How it started..

Here are several questions that the locals somehow forgot to ask Jerod Mayo since he became the 15th Head Coach of the New England Patriots in January:

When was your first conversation with Robert about becoming the head coach?

When was your first conversation with Robert about becoming the head coach for 2024?

Was there language in the contract you signed prior to the 2023 season that spelled out this plan to elevate you to head coach?

Were there financial implications tied to this language if that elevation did not occur? And by what date?

Was Bill aware of this language in your contract? Did you discuss it with him?

Did you discuss this with Robert at any point between the start of the 2023 season and the final game against the Jets? If so, did these conversations occur during regular business hours at the team facility?

Did Bill request that you leave the business world and start a career in coaching?

Do you believe that Bill would have liked to continue coaching here beyond 2023?

Do you believe conversations that go over the head of your direct superior to his boss about your boss’ future are conducive to a productive work environment?

..how it’s going.

A joint offering from The15 and The Collaborative Podcast Coalition.

Jerod Mayo: The Emerging Leader Patriots Fans Always Needed

By A.I. Bot Breer:

Foxborough, MA – In a month where the New England Patriots have made headlines with roster shuffles and preseason preparations, one figure has remained a constant in the eyes of the team and its fans: Jerod Mayo. The former linebacker turned coach continues to evolve into a leadership role that many now believe is poised to become more than just defensive coordination — it’s a head coach in waiting. It’s no secret that Bill Belichick has long been grooming Mayo for greater things. Patriots media releases this past month have emphasized Mayo’s involvement not only in defensive schematics but in shaping the entire team’s culture. More than once, Belichick has praised his former Pro Bowler’s football acumen, referring to him as “one of the sharpest minds” to come through the Patriots’ system. But what’s been equally telling is the way Mayo carries himself in the locker room, stepping into a role that goes beyond X’s and O’s.

A Natural Leader

Patriots fans remember Mayo for his tenacity on the field, his ability to dissect offenses as if he were already coaching. Now, as a coach, his instincts are proving even more valuable. Media releases over the past month have highlighted Mayo’s increasing presence during practice, not just with the defense but across the entire roster. In one report, Mayo was seen working closely with young quarterbacks, helping them understand defensive coverages, showing his breadth of knowledge on both sides of the ball. This is where Mayo’s leadership shines. He’s not just building a defense — he’s building a football team. And that’s exactly what this Patriots squad needs in a season filled with question marks. At 37, Mayo is still relatively young by coaching standards, but his command of the locker room is undeniable. According to sources close to the team, players gravitate toward him in a way that reflects both respect and admiration. He’s part strategist, part motivator, and entirely a team-first guy.

The Belichick Blueprint

What makes Mayo’s rise so exciting for Patriots fans is the undeniable parallels to his mentor, Bill Belichick. Like Belichick, Mayo has a meticulous approach to the game. He’s known for breaking down film until the early hours of the morning, and it shows on the practice field. In the latest media release, Patriots personnel commented on how Mayo has taken on more responsibilities, particularly in developing game plans and overseeing all three phases of the game — not just the defense. The Belichick coaching tree is extensive, but few have had the opportunity to learn directly under the greatest coach of all time while playing and coaching. It’s this dual experience that separates Mayo. The Patriots are known for cultivating homegrown talent, and in many ways, Mayo is the epitome of that philosophy.

Subtle.

What’s Next?

So, what does the future hold for Jerod Mayo? It’s not a stretch to say that many around the league view him as a head coach in waiting. With Belichick’s career winding down, Mayo has increasingly become the face of the future in New England. And if the Patriots’ latest media releases are any indication, it’s a future that’s bright. In one interview last week, when asked about his ambitions, Mayo was predictably modest: “I’m just focused on helping this team win games.” But ask anyone in the Patriots organization, and they’ll tell you Mayo’s impact is already evident — and it’s just the beginning.

North Star!

Note: Old Friend ‘Uncle Gizmo’ took a cue from the latest Entitled Town podcast. He input into ChatGPT: “I’d like to create a story in the current style of Albert Breer. It would be a glowing story about New England Patriots coach Jerod Mayo and would use as it’s base Patriots media releases for the last month.” The result is what you see above.

Thoughtful Cards!

Here’s what we think some of the cards might say:

2024 March Sadness Championship

In the Consolation Match, Mike Kadlick proves no one cares about a Cinderella once their carriage turns back into a pumpkin. No glass slipper, just a glass jaw in a loss to Squeaky Tony Mazz who finishes in third place in consecutive tournaments.

Yes, you’re a winner, pal.

Now on to the final act of The Big Sads – Felger vs. Curran. Two formerly ink-stained wretches. An irresistible farce meets the immovable object of derision. The Carpetbagger vs. the Lakeville Dagger. Missing eyebrows vs. hair transplants. Wisconsin Cheesehead vs. New England PotatoMan. Miserable Cuck vs. Heel Turn for a Buck. Both highly deserving. Two men enter, one man leaves. Choose wisely, voters.

Given the importance of this matchup, the poll will remain open for 24 hours, closing at this time Friday.

Dear readers, if you have been enjoying this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating the local sports media, or any of our other features, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks again for reading.

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