Five matches decided, five more in the home stretch, so let’s go to the next 10 contests in Round One! Polls open until 4 PM EST (1 PM PST) on Saturday, March 11th.
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2023 March Sadness features an embarrassment of worthy candidates looking to take the lead in the never-ending race to the bottom. In a packed field, Region V is more loaded than Sean McDonough attempting to make Florian Hall a Drive-Thru. Here’s an armchair analysis of the best region of the worst candidates:
(1) Chris Gasper v. (16) Dakota Randall: Young Shank is elite effete in triplicate: A failure on TV, radio, and in print. The ultimate bad faith pundit with a schtick as predictable as Bonesy Jonezy’s. Dak Randall covers the Patriots for NESN, the Val-Pak of journalistic entities. This one is over before it starts. My vote: Kid Gaslight
(8) Rob Bradford v. (9) Brian Scalabrine: Bradford is Boring; the Diet Coke of Mediots. How does Bradford move the needle unless spittle from his mushmouth does? Scalabrine The Color Analyst makes one wonder why an announcer-specific mute button doesn’t exist. (There’s a thousand dollar idea!) At the end of the day, Scal or Mushmouth ends up being cannon fodder for Young Shank. This matchup is more irrelevant than WEEI. My vote: Scalabrine And A Mute App
(5) Adam Jones v. (12) Brian Barrett: On the surface, this one looks easy. Is it though? Discount Felger has less range than Marc Bertrand at shortstop (relax, Theo!) and his takes on Boston sports are more predictable than Gerry Callahan’s views on race and politics. Leaving ratings behemoth 985 The SportsKlan for WEEI with Meg0 and Arrrrrrrrcand demonstrate worse decision making than Drew Bozo. Bonezy’s show caters to those who don’t like sports and loathe themselves inside and out – I hope you know that. These individuals should be given a cookie – briefly pitied, then ignored. As (Not That) Bono once said: Thank God It’s Them Instead Of You.
Barrett’s ascent to the Boston gig at The Ringer is mind-blowing. He’s a failed WEEI weekend guy once behind Andy fucking Hart on the depth chart (poor, poor Dumbo) that Simmons pulled out of obscurity and into obscurity. Barrett’s a shoe-pissing, Excel using, self-important ninny that is the polar opposite of the self-loathing Jones: He genuinely believes he’s smarter than Bill Belichick, Joe Mazzulla, Don Sweeney, and Alex Cora. He’s not good at his own job, never mind theirs. Jones is pathetic shtick; he’s Kenny Banya – a terrible comic who once had a great lead-in. Barrett’s got a voice only a dog-whistle could love (not that dog whistle, Tony Mazz) with an inflated sense of his worth. Constantly using small sample size statistical “evidence” to shit on the teams he is supposedly pulling for is a particularly joyless approach to covering sports. A vote for Barrett is a vote by proxy for California Bill. Think on that. My vote: Stay Off The Pike – Barrett
(4) Marc Bertrand v. (13) Duke Castiglione: Like Michael Scott, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a “Can You Believe It?” Joe Castig joke. My vote: Bertrand
(6) Mike Giardi v. 11 Jermaine Wiggins: Giardi’s an under the radar sneaky blow-dried cvnt, a local mediot on a national outlet with less clout and influence than Albert Breer. Wiggins’ assualt on eardrums makes me wish Rod Rutledge had better hands. My vote: Giardi
(3)Charred Finn v. (14) John Karalis: Finn might be the most revolting of all candidates and a good value pick to win Mediot Madness. He’s a spineless, cucked apologist for the worst of Boston media – he’s not a critic. He waited over a week after Tony Massarotti’s racist joke to opine because – according to Charred – the interwebs haven’t yet reached mid-coast Maine. His 2 paragraph Mazz rebuke/foot massage/apology on a Saturday eight days later was Finn taking the journalistic fetal position.
John Karalis works for Greg Bedard and may be eligible for a seat next to Mel Torme. My vote: Charred Finn
(7) Jerry Thornton v. (10) Gary Washburn: Washburn is someone to keep an eye on: Joe Mazzulla’s open contempt for his shit-stirring, low IQ questions suggests much higher seeding in future tourneys. As for Thornton, what’s more rare: A Boston mediot/shoe-pisser who likes the team he writes about; a Barstool employee over the age of 50; or a person of color allowed on the Felger and Mazz show? Sorry, Jerry: despite campaigning for votes, I’m going for the lower downside. My vote: Washburn
(2) Jim Murray v. (15) John Zannis: With a bio like this, John Zannis may be seeded waaaay too low. And he put the Boston Sports Journal in his LinkedIn bio! HE PUT THE BOSTON SPORTS JOURNAL IN HIS BIO. If his LinkedIn avatar is any indication, he also makes fart noises with his mouth.
According to his LinkedIn page:
“Big Gym” Murray apologized for Tony Massarotti’s racist joke because Big Gym didn’t think it was racist enough. He wants the children of callers who disagree with him dead. While many claim they’re playing a role on the air – cosplaying a contrarian, trolling with a take, acting like an asshole for the click or a listen – Big Jim isn’t playing a role. He’s an irredeemable piece of garbage who wants others to be miserable as he is. Murray is the worst person on a show with the worst people in Boston media. He deserves your vote and a deep tourney run.
Murray wants to be Felger for the notoriety. Murray wants to be Massarotti for the paycheck. Murray wants to be Catfucker Jimmy Stewart for the hairline and the pussy. Murray doesn’t need to be disgraced and humiliated by “winning” Mediot Madness. Being Jim Murray already accomplished that. My vote: Murray
Ben Volin (1) versus Chris Curtis (2) It has been a true banner year of idiocy for The Globe’s Senior NFL Writer. He (probably) has control of his twitter back and (probably) doesn’t have real sources so anything less than a complete blowout versus the slug from the morning show will be a shocker.
Karen Guregian (8) versus Mark Dondero (9) Look for the perennial up-and-comer and friend of the program, Dondy, to pull the mild upset over the reliable Guregian on the strength of his Tatum Clutch Gene Takes he’s been working on in the lab.
Andrew Callahan (5) versus Joe Murray (12) The real life “Crying Wojak” Meme guy should win his first round match up with the other half(ton) of the Bankroll Boys running away (in lieu of rascal’ing away).
Trenni Kusnierek (4) versus Nick Cattles (13) The Sacramento Kid is poised to pull the upset on the perpetually offended Trenni by throwing his lot in with previous winner Greg Bedard. Is Bedard looking at a repeat by proxy?
Alex Reimer (6) versus Evan Lazar (11) No amount of Yankee concepts or allied word salads is going to knock off the media columnist, or whatever the Pissant is doing now. He’s established a pedigree of sadness that will make round 1 a formality.
Fred Toucher (3) versus Christian Arcand (14) Fred has lost his mind as many times as the Reverend has lost his job. Hitching his wagon to JV Felger doesn’t help Arcand overcome the sheer power of the Morning Zoo.
Rich Keefe (7) versus Peter Abraham (10) Eventually EEI will find the right timeslot to leverage Keefe’s talents. Until then expect him to squeak by the Red Sox beat version of the Charlie Brown rain cloud.
Dan Shaughnessy (2) versus Ron Borger (15) This is the emeritus matchup for the tourney. Years and years of misery and sadness and plagiarism from Ron essentially relegated to a footnote. No idea what fly-by-night outfit employs him at this point so expect Shank to win in a cake-walk. Reality for Dan is that anything less than the title this year is a disappointment.
Sent to us via shortwave radio from Andover del Norte:
Tony Massarotti (1) vs Keith Smith (16) Honk if you remember the 1998 Midwest regional first round match-up when the 1 seed Kansas double-upped poor little 16 seed Prairie View 110-52. Sorry, I forgot that you can’t honk because “a couple of guys like that” stole your car.
Greg Hill (8) vs Adam Kaufman (9) Would you rather watch paint dry (Hill) or watch the grass grow (Kaufman)? I’ve got to go with the grass, at least you’ll get some fresh air and Vitamin D.
Lou Merloni (5) vs Paul Perillo (12) When Merloni was fired from WEEI and decided to retire his awful radio persona, he should have been required to shave. If late 20th century television has taught us anything, it’s that the evil side of your personality always sports a goatee. Until that facial hair is gone I’m not buying the change of heart. Damn Lou Merloni advances.
Dan Lifshatz (4) vs Christian Fauria (13) Say what you will, but Fauria is a survivor. He’s the cockroach of WEEI. Unfortunately Lifshatz eats cockroaches for breakfast, along with at least two large beef three-ways. Dan (bank)rolls into the next round.
Andy Hart (6) vs Jared Carrabis (11) It’s a rare first round rematch from 2022! Carrabis chose a career covering baseball, not the smartest decision. Once again, inch-for-inch, Andy Hart is the dumbest person in this Region. Being “not smart” is no match for Dumbo Hart.
Albert Breer (3) vs Bob Ryan (14) It would be a shock if Breer doesn’t piss all over the fossilized remains of Jurassic Bob. An epic victory for the world’s oldest frat bro.
James Stewart (7) vs Matt McCarthy (10) McCarthy has been on a hot take Twitter tear ever since the seedings came out . Meanwhile J Stew is kicking back relaxing in the cat cafe with Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt. I smell an upset, with McCarthy moving on to round 2.
Tom E Curran (2) vs Khari Thompson (15) While Thompson burst onto the scene rather recently, he already possesses the key for a long career in sportz media. No, not a penchant for contrarian opinions but rather a spouse who is the obvious breadwinner for the family. Khari may be one to watch in the future, but in this round he has no chance against Tom Sr’s mouthpiece. The bald denier wins.
All over New England you can sense it. That unmistakable stench in the air. We are all experiencing it, from the hard workers slaving away at your local Dunkin’, to the ex-con working the warranty desk at the nearby car dealership. There’s only one thing on people’s minds at this time of year… the BIG SADS. And what better way to turn that frown upside-down than The15’s annual Biggest Mediot Tournament (b.k.a March Sadness)!
Remember, the results of this tournament rests (almost) entirely on YOU, the voting public. It’s a dirty job to have to sift through the local sports media cesspool and separate the dingleberries from the true pieces of shit, so let’s don those hazmat suits and wade into this year’s participants.
This is the most top heavy tournament field in recent memory. The number one seed in each region appears to be a lock to make it to the Fraudulent Four. Mike Felger and Ben Volin once again each head up a region, T and N respectively. Felger continues to dominate the New England radio and TV landscape the same way Gene Lavanchy dominates him in his personal life. Volin had an extremely strong year, being banned from both the local airwaves and the Patriots press box. Topping the V region is last year’s runner-up Chris Gasper. Kid Gas is hoping to finally go from bridesmaid to bride this year. Chris has been busy the past few weeks acting as a human shield, defending the C region’s top seed Tony Massarotti. Mazz comes into the tournament hot off a one-week unpaid suspension for extemporaneously making an insensitive joke – but please remember that deep down in his heart Mazz loves all people; he’s a just a surface level racist.
As rancid as those big four are don’t worry, there is plenty of fresh meat to liven up this year’s match-ups. Among the first timers is the Herald’s new Red Sox beat reporter Gabrielle “my friends call me Gabby” Starr. Gabby is currently covering Red Sox spring training from her living room in Boston – just like you! Another newcomer is the middle -initialed Michael F. Hurley, unfortunately he has his work cut out for him in Round 1 against the fully middle named Kevin Paul Dupont.
After going to great expense to re-enforce the floorboards we are proud to announce that the second half of the Bankrupt Boyz, Joe Murray is included in the field of 64 this year. If you’re ever worried about confusing Joe and Jim Murray, just remember that Joe doesn’t hide his bald head under a scally cap.
Voting begins on Thursday, which is good because it means there’s still time to study the match-ups and research the players. There’s a couple of names in there that frankly sound made up. Like John Zannis. Sound it out… John’s Anus. I guess ‘Mike Hunt’ was ineligible. You can’t fool me, selection committee, you scamps! Keep an eye out for Bracket by Bracket breakdowns of all the first round match-ups. We may not have them, but if you don’t keep an eye out you’ll never know what you’re missing!
Here’s the Schedule for the first round of matchups, 10 on Thursday March 9th, ten more on Friday March 10th, and the last 12 will resume on Monday, March 13th. (Why? Because there were demonstrably fewer votes tallied during the weekends in the 2022 Tournament.)
We are here, the main event. Greg A. Bedard versus Chris Gasper. They know one another. You know them. But they do not know you, because, in all likelihood you are muted or blocked. Payback time. The poll will remain open for the remainder of today until 1:30 PM EDT on Tuesday, April 5th. Thank you all so much for your keen interest in the return of March Sadness.