2023 March Sadness Matchup Preview Part One
By old friend ‘Patrick from Andover del Norte’:
All over New England you can sense it. That unmistakable stench in the air. We are all experiencing it, from the hard workers slaving away at your local Dunkin’, to the ex-con working the warranty desk at the nearby car dealership. There’s only one thing on people’s minds at this time of year… the BIG SADS. And what better way to turn that frown upside-down than The15’s annual Biggest Mediot Tournament (b.k.a March Sadness)!
Remember, the results of this tournament rests (almost) entirely on YOU, the voting public. It’s a dirty job to have to sift through the local sports media cesspool and separate the dingleberries from the true pieces of shit, so let’s don those hazmat suits and wade into this year’s participants.
This is the most top heavy tournament field in recent memory. The number one seed in each region appears to be a lock to make it to the Fraudulent Four. Mike Felger and Ben Volin once again each head up a region, T and N respectively. Felger continues to dominate the New England radio and TV landscape the same way Gene Lavanchy dominates him in his personal life. Volin had an extremely strong year, being banned from both the local airwaves and the Patriots press box. Topping the V region is last year’s runner-up Chris Gasper. Kid Gas is hoping to finally go from bridesmaid to bride this year. Chris has been busy the past few weeks acting as a human shield, defending the C region’s top seed Tony Massarotti. Mazz comes into the tournament hot off a one-week unpaid suspension for extemporaneously making an insensitive joke – but please remember that deep down in his heart Mazz loves all people; he’s a just a surface level racist.
As rancid as those big four are don’t worry, there is plenty of fresh meat to liven up this year’s match-ups. Among the first timers is the Herald’s new Red Sox beat reporter Gabrielle “my friends call me Gabby” Starr. Gabby is currently covering Red Sox spring training from her living room in Boston – just like you! Another newcomer is the middle -initialed Michael F. Hurley, unfortunately he has his work cut out for him in Round 1 against the fully middle named Kevin Paul Dupont.
After going to great expense to re-enforce the floorboards we are proud to announce that the second half of the Bankrupt Boyz, Joe Murray is included in the field of 64 this year. If you’re ever worried about confusing Joe and Jim Murray, just remember that Joe doesn’t hide his bald head under a scally cap.
Voting begins on Thursday, which is good because it means there’s still time to study the match-ups and research the players. There’s a couple of names in there that frankly sound made up. Like John Zannis. Sound it out… John’s Anus. I guess ‘Mike Hunt’ was ineligible. You can’t fool me, selection committee, you scamps! Keep an eye out for Bracket by Bracket breakdowns of all the first round match-ups. We may not have them, but if you don’t keep an eye out you’ll never know what you’re missing!
Patrick is from Andover del Norte
The 15 