The votes have been counted, and it will be two employees of The Baseball Paper squaring off in the Final. But before then, 3rd place must be decided. Felger. Masserotti. You know who they are, and what they do. Polls close at Noon Wednesday, April 5th, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
(Again done by the redoubtable Patrick from Andover del Norte:)
Welcome to the Sour Sixteen preview! The two higher seeds in Region C should easily advance to the Hateful Eight(TM pending). After his suspension Mazz locked his twitter account, and then after Chris Curtis’s suspension Mazz deleted his twitter account! (Update: Tone’s account is back, but still locked. Like Felgie’s car should have been.) He’s obviously living in fear of winning this tournament. Things are so bad now that you have to buy a Cameo if you’d like to hear Tony’s “Amos ‘n’ Andy” impression. In other news, did you know that an autographed photo of Bert Breer is available for $25 on Ebay? Imagine how much that could be worth in a week! (Disclaimer: the capital value of Bertie’s autograph can fluctuate and the price can go down as well as up and is not guaranteed).
Kid Gas should trounce the Far Side Kid to open Region V action. Things get a little more interesting from there on out. You may think it’s odd that Boston’s paper of record employs a sports media ombudsman who lives outside the Boston DMA, but if the weather is perfectly clear, and the moon is full, Chad can more often than not pick up the Boston stations on his Nana’s Philco radio in Downeast Maine. You may have missed it on Friday when Chad postulated on Nip-gate: “I’m not calling for a firing here, but the apparent going rate at the station of a one-week hiatus for making a racist or sexist comment is rather low. It’s not like the show, which oscillates between a chore and a bore on most days, would suffer without his overbearing presence.” Chad had no such reservations, or comments, when his good friend Tomy Masserotti was suspended earlier this month for making racist comments. Obviously Mazz’s overbearing presence is key in the chore vs bore calculation, which is why his one-week suspension was deemed to be sufficient punishment. It’s also understandable for Chad to come down harder on a nobody like Curtis because, unlike those two random African-American gentlemen that Mazz slurred, Mina Kimes was nice enough to “like” one of Chad’s tweets. Finn sucks. However Large Gynamsium Murray is a bald-denying asshole, which makes this match-up too close to call.
Region N is “interesting!”, to quote its moronic #1 seed. Ben Volin may feel entitled to a 10-point advantage, or at least choice of uniforms, since he is the #1 seed in the region, but that won’t be necessary for him to easily dispatch Greg Bedard’s lapdog Nick Cattles. The other match-up is a battle of the ages. Dan Shaughnessy is far removed from relevancy, and from his 2011 Father of the Year award. Christian Arcand is desperately clinging to Adam Jones’ coattails, having been fired from 98.5 and soon to be fired from WEEI. More shockingly, Arcand is also apparently trying to appropriate Gabby Starr’s (#14 in Region T) culture – do a “Christian (from: @gfstarr1)” Twitter search for more enlightenment. Shank is a dinosaur, but Arcand is the voice of a new generation. YOUR generation. Vote accordingly.
Does anyone know what the hell is going on in Region T? The two plucky underdogs have been the story of this year’s tournament. Can Nick “Fitzy” Stevens continue drive the snakes out of the region and take down Michael Felger? Can Gabby Starr pass over Ted “the veg” Johnson? Do you believe in miracles of Old Testament proportions? Yes! No? You make the call. Remember, for a limited time, the the15netdotcomsportsbook is offering $200 in site credits for every $5 wagered on the March Sadness tournament! Time is running out, so Register Now!
(Problem gambling is an urge to gamble continuously despite negative consequences or a desire to stop. Problem gambling is often defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others, rather than by the gambler’s behaviour. Referring to your gambling unfailingly as ‘gaming’ may also be a sign. Severe problem gambling may be diagnosed as clinical pathological gambling if the gambler meets certain criteria. If you feel you or a loved one need help, of if you are considering a 4-leg parlay on how both of you need help, you can contact The Commonwealth’s Office of Problem Gambling Services Problem Gambling Helpline at (800) 327-5050 or go to https://www.mass.gov/orgs/office-of-problem-gambling-services.)
Patrick is from Andover del Norte.
Sent to us unbidden from Patrick in Andover del Norte:
Unlike the frauds at the NCAA tournament, the Big Sads selection committee knows a #1 seed when they see/hear one. Massarotti, Gasper, Volin and Felger are expected to glide o’er all, and through all, and easily advance to the Sour Sixteen. The rest of the match-ups have varying levels of intrigue.
Region C.. Dan Lifshatz (4) vs Lou Merloni (9) – It will be interesting to see if Merloni pull another rabbit out of his hat. He might put up a struggle, but Dan Lifshatz should swallow him whole. No shaking, no tenderizing, down Lou goes. Albert Breer (3) vs Andy Hart (6) – Andy Hart will be punching up at Albert Breer, however Bertie will be up to his old tricks and will piss all over Andy’s parade. Tom E Curran (2) vs Jim E Stewart (7) – Hey, did you hear about the dead cat on Mars? Curiosity killed it! Meanwhile back here on Earth, Curran should do us all a favor and kill J-Stew. Maybe not literally, but maybe, possibly.
Region V… Marc Bertrand (4) vs Brian Barrett (12) – If a hot take falls in the forest, and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound? Barrett has awful opinions but, thankfully nobody is listening. He doesn’t have enough gravitas to counter Bertrand’s gravitational pull. Chad Finn (3) vs Mike Giardi (6) – Chad Finn is the biggest enabler in New England, next to my wife. You see, I’m an alcoholic and she said that if I keep drinking, she’ll leave me. Jim Murray (2) vs Jerry Thornton (10) – The clocks strikes 12 for Cinderfella. All Jerry does is hope Bill Belichick still knows what he’s doing, while Big Jim hopes you outlive your children. Jerry may not break double digits.
Region N… Andrew Calahan (5) vs Nick Cattles (13)- If this match-up was happening during football season Callahan may win easily, but in the off-season he goes back to his job guarding bridges. Out of sight out of mind. A vote for Cattles is an in absentia vote for last year’s champion Greg Bedard. Alex Reimer (6) vs Christian Arcand (14) – Does Reimer get creepy “Single White Female” vibes whenever he bumps into DJ Bean? Dan Shaugnessy (2) vs Rich Keefe (7) – Shank is irrelevant. He doesn’t have a regular TV/radio outlet, and the Globe is nice enough to keep his writing locked behind a paywall. Keefe is battling Arcand to see which one of them can be the first person fired from both radio stations. Will they square off in the next round? That’s for YOU to decide.
Region T… Scott Zolak (5) vs Fitzy (13) – Zolak is going to give Fitzy a wet willy and then stuff him in a locker. Kevin F. Paul Dupont (6) vs Gabby Starr Reporter (14) – Gabby is our version of Princeton, which is ironic because Princeton is one of the few Ivy League universities that she doesn’t claim to have attended. Ted Johnson (2) vs Meg Ottolini (10) – Ted Johnson’s synaptic gaps have gotten so wide that Meg will slip right through them and into the Sour Sixteen.
(Round Two will start today at 10 AM EDT. Wicked soon!)
Patrick is from Andover del Norte.
The March Sadness Second Round will take place Monday, March 20 and Tuesday, March 21. Enjoy watching collegiate and professional sports in the meanwhile.
Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:
I just noticed that voting has started in region T.
Where is it written that the Region T preview has to come out before voting starts?
Mike Felger (1) vs Dan Greenberg (16) Take your time here, no need to leave your keys in a running car to vote on this one. Felger wins in a walk.
Mark Daniels (8) vs Joe Haggerty (9) *** voting underway *** Pork Joe has a harder battle buttoning his shirt every morning. Haggerty (as expected) is cruising to round 2.
Scott Zolak (5) vs Steve Buckley (12) Zolak has ruined more Patriots moments than Eli Manning. Look at this prediction.
Phil Perry (4) vs “Fitzy” (13) Unless the Ancient Order of Hibernians finally wakes up and jails Nicholas Stevens for cultural appropriation, expect “Fitzy” to kickoff a run of upsets.
Kevin Paul Dupont (6) vs Michael F. Hurley (11) The winner gets to keep the losers middle name/initial. Take what’s yours Michael F. Paul Hurley!
Andy Gresh (3) vs Gabby Starr (14) *** voting underway *** Who am I to argue with the voting public. A Starr is born!
Rich Shertenlieb (7) vs Meghan Ottolini (10) In less than two years MegO has destroyed the radio careers of Glenn Ordway, Lou Merloni, and Christian Fauria. Give Meg her flowers and she might repay YOU by taking out Jones and Arcand too. Keep up the good work Meg!
Ted Johnson (2) vs Jared Weiss (15) Ted Johnson walks into a bar and gets another CTE. The upsets stop here, Early Man advances.
Patrick is from Andover del Norte.
Sent to us via shortwave radio from Andover del Norte:
Tony Massarotti (1) vs Keith Smith (16) Honk if you remember the 1998 Midwest regional first round match-up when the 1 seed Kansas double-upped poor little 16 seed Prairie View 110-52. Sorry, I forgot that you can’t honk because “a couple of guys like that” stole your car.
Greg Hill (8) vs Adam Kaufman (9) Would you rather watch paint dry (Hill) or watch the grass grow (Kaufman)? I’ve got to go with the grass, at least you’ll get some fresh air and Vitamin D.
Lou Merloni (5) vs Paul Perillo (12) When Merloni was fired from WEEI and decided to retire his awful radio persona, he should have been required to shave. If late 20th century television has taught us anything, it’s that the evil side of your personality always sports a goatee. Until that facial hair is gone I’m not buying the change of heart. Damn Lou Merloni advances.
Dan Lifshatz (4) vs Christian Fauria (13) Say what you will, but Fauria is a survivor. He’s the cockroach of WEEI. Unfortunately Lifshatz eats cockroaches for breakfast, along with at least two large beef three-ways. Dan (bank)rolls into the next round.
Andy Hart (6) vs Jared Carrabis (11) It’s a rare first round rematch from 2022! Carrabis chose a career covering baseball, not the smartest decision. Once again, inch-for-inch, Andy Hart is the dumbest person in this Region. Being “not smart” is no match for Dumbo Hart.
Albert Breer (3) vs Bob Ryan (14) It would be a shock if Breer doesn’t piss all over the fossilized remains of Jurassic Bob. An epic victory for the world’s oldest frat bro.
James Stewart (7) vs Matt McCarthy (10) McCarthy has been on a hot take Twitter tear ever since the seedings came out . Meanwhile J Stew is kicking back relaxing in the cat cafe with Chew-Chew and Mitt-Mitt. I smell an upset, with McCarthy moving on to round 2.
Tom E Curran (2) vs Khari Thompson (15) While Thompson burst onto the scene rather recently, he already possesses the key for a long career in sportz media. No, not a penchant for contrarian opinions but rather a spouse who is the obvious breadwinner for the family. Khari may be one to watch in the future, but in this round he has no chance against Tom Sr’s mouthpiece. The bald denier wins.
Patrick is from Andover del Norte.
By old friend ‘Patrick from Andover del Norte’:
All over New England you can sense it. That unmistakable stench in the air. We are all experiencing it, from the hard workers slaving away at your local Dunkin’, to the ex-con working the warranty desk at the nearby car dealership. There’s only one thing on people’s minds at this time of year… the BIG SADS. And what better way to turn that frown upside-down than The15’s annual Biggest Mediot Tournament (b.k.a March Sadness)!
Remember, the results of this tournament rests (almost) entirely on YOU, the voting public. It’s a dirty job to have to sift through the local sports media cesspool and separate the dingleberries from the true pieces of shit, so let’s don those hazmat suits and wade into this year’s participants.
This is the most top heavy tournament field in recent memory. The number one seed in each region appears to be a lock to make it to the Fraudulent Four. Mike Felger and Ben Volin once again each head up a region, T and N respectively. Felger continues to dominate the New England radio and TV landscape the same way Gene Lavanchy dominates him in his personal life. Volin had an extremely strong year, being banned from both the local airwaves and the Patriots press box. Topping the V region is last year’s runner-up Chris Gasper. Kid Gas is hoping to finally go from bridesmaid to bride this year. Chris has been busy the past few weeks acting as a human shield, defending the C region’s top seed Tony Massarotti. Mazz comes into the tournament hot off a one-week unpaid suspension for extemporaneously making an insensitive joke – but please remember that deep down in his heart Mazz loves all people; he’s a just a surface level racist.
As rancid as those big four are don’t worry, there is plenty of fresh meat to liven up this year’s match-ups. Among the first timers is the Herald’s new Red Sox beat reporter Gabrielle “my friends call me Gabby” Starr. Gabby is currently covering Red Sox spring training from her living room in Boston – just like you! Another newcomer is the middle -initialed Michael F. Hurley, unfortunately he has his work cut out for him in Round 1 against the fully middle named Kevin Paul Dupont.
After going to great expense to re-enforce the floorboards we are proud to announce that the second half of the Bankrupt Boyz, Joe Murray is included in the field of 64 this year. If you’re ever worried about confusing Joe and Jim Murray, just remember that Joe doesn’t hide his bald head under a scally cap.
Voting begins on Thursday, which is good because it means there’s still time to study the match-ups and research the players. There’s a couple of names in there that frankly sound made up. Like John Zannis. Sound it out… John’s Anus. I guess ‘Mike Hunt’ was ineligible. You can’t fool me, selection committee, you scamps! Keep an eye out for Bracket by Bracket breakdowns of all the first round match-ups. We may not have them, but if you don’t keep an eye out you’ll never know what you’re missing!
Patrick is from Andover del Norte
(Originally published February 17th, 2019 at BJBSJournal.com)
(Dear The15net dot com Wicked Pissah Beantown Chowderheads Platinum Elite Members; Here is a musical playlist for your particular winter holiday enjoyment. And everyone else who stayed off the naughty list this year. Click HERE to download. Additional song suggestions are welcomed in the comments. )
Rene The Red-Nosed Rancourt- The New Original Six
It’s Yuletide In Manhattan Where I Live- PK and the Fingerwaggers
The Little Dumber Boy – JoeRay2199
Joshy Got Run Over By a Reindeer – The Dunkin Duet
White Christmas (And Every Other Day) – Gerry and the Callahans
Fleece Nobby Dad – Shukri Wright and the Nightmares
In Dulci Jewbilo – Gabby and her All Starr Band
I Saw Mommy Kissing Gene Lavanchy – The Felger 5
NORAD’s Tracking Santa? (That’s a violation of the TOS!) – Ron Catamount Muskmelon
Blew Christmas – DJ Bean and the Gloryhole Seekers
Where Did I Say It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year? – Steve and The Atamians
Last Christmas (Hopefully) – Upton Bell & Vito Stellino
All I Kept for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth) – Kelbo Thompkins and the 200 Line
All Abroad the Sleigh Ride! – The Shunettes
Peace on Earth, Sox Pax on Sale – America’s Most Beloved Ticket Office
Baby It’s Cold Outside, And Here’s A 90 Second Video To Prove It – BHL
The Medfield Carol – Section 334 Chorus
The Little Drummer Goy – Gabz & the Golden Menorahs
Gabby the Glizzy Gobbler – Roy Rogers
My Snow Hat’s Now In A Snowbank (and That’s Nowhere For It To Be)- Volin’s Simple Brain
Do You See What I SAW? – Lil Redding
Low, How A Chaim E’er Spending – Trans Commonwealthian LGBTQIA+ Orchestra
A Coachman’s Christmas- Oswald Brougham and the Knowledge
Fairy-tail of New York – DJ Bean
All I Want For Christmas (Is Jews) – Gabby and her All Starr Band
Do They Know It’s Christmas, Loser? – Band AIDS
Santa Got His Bag, Now He Needs His Flowers – Zwarte Peabsy
I’m Hearing That the Carolers Are Wishing You a Merry Christmas – Albert Breer
Baby it’s Cold Inside, Babe – Roger & Josh
Walk Rudolph Walk – Shuk Berry
The Nutrocker Suite- A Daily Pounding
Christmas Means That Truck Day’s Rounding Third – Merle Samuel Hornsen
Frosty; A Man Made of Snow? WOW – Steve Burton
A White Christmas? Nooo! – Billy Smafia
All I Want for Christmas is Shu Videos – The 15 Collaborative Choir
Jingle Balls – BJ Dean and the Blackburns
Do Astronauts Get Mistletoe Instead Of Athlete’s Foot? –Little Tiny Jerry Thornton & The Rimshots
Oh Come, All Ye Smoothies – ET Weekend Choir
Pinned Mittens- Rumford Eagle
The Christmas Song – Mensa Matt
O’ Tannenbaum (He’s Done It Again!) – Winning The Back Page
The Carol of Bert Bell – Meek Mill
My Nuts Sitting on Your Open Chest – Sal King Cole
A Child’s Christmas At The Whalers- The Brass Bonanzeers
Oh Christmas Sales- Shalize Navidad
I Wanna Rocketcar For Hannukkah- Rickkyboy and the Scofflaws
Big Dong Merrily On Thigh – The Wallfloorers
A Visit From St. Nicholas- recited by The Honorable Thomas M. Menino (deceased)
Christmas Time is Here (instrumental) – Ron Poster
Jag fick ditt svenska ‘Yule Log’ här – Rubber Volvo
Have Yourself A Murray Hewett Christmas- Flight Of The Conchords w/Thirdkill
Santa Baby – Bianca de la Garza
S’Wonderful Life- Suzy Zou Bisou (With First String Kevin)
Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime/Step Into Christmas- Avenged Sevenfold
Christmas In Millis – Average White Band
CORI the Snowman – Steve Autry and the Middlesex County Boys
Winter Wonderland T Stop – Pierre Nightmare
Christmas (Daddy Please Come Home) – Deedsy Jr.
I’ll Be Home for Christmas (Because I’m Unemployed) – Bing Mutnansky
The Twelve Days of Beating Every Topic Into the Ground – Boston Media All Stars United for Charity
Our Intern Street Team was out and about asking the locals, “What are you going as for Halloween?”
Happy Halloween, everybody.
