The 15

When Austin Wells drove in George Lombard, I said to myself, ‘Self; the Red Sox aren’t going to lose this game 1-0.’ And I was right!

Drake Maye has the grip strength of Stephen Hawking.

All lists are inherently awful.

Here’s hoping the Patriots follow the Bruins lead and beat the team from New York Sunday.

Pedro doesn’t age. The new Bobby Orr.

‘Angry Bill’ died? Like, recently, not ten years ago? RIP.

Why didn’t the umpire tell Verlander’s daughter to get the hell off the field?

I miss AJ’s gravity. That shit was real, bro.

Cakes are cooking for Angie Dickinson, Johnny Mathis, Marilyn McCoo, Victoria Tennant, Catie Ball, John Lombardo, Barry Williams, Fran Drescher, Marty Stuart, Crystal Bernard, Eric Stoltz, Trey Anastasio, Kathleen Madigan, Tony Hale, Jenna Elfman, Carlos Guillén, Marion Cotillard, Candice Michelle, Martina Hingis, Dominique Moceanu, Kieran Culkin, Lacey Chabert, T-Pain, Mary Paoletti Brown, Max Verstappen, and Maddie Ziegler.

Pro tip: Don’t post an old picture of yourself posing with a ‘Saved By the Bell’ actor. It doesn’t end well.

Roman Anthony is made of precious antique Murano glass.

Crockpot bags are the greatest invention.

Peyton Tolle is on the right side of being a weirdo, Triston Casas is on the wrong side.

Like boxing, styles make WNBA playoff series.

Love how they air the Protect College Sports Act ads like we get a chance to vote on it.

The Good Kid will make a great captain.

Green Line: Due to signal modernization work there is no service between North Station & Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), & Heath St (E) through October 4. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay & North Station.

Bobby Manning always sounds like he just huffed a canister of computer duster.

That Madden trailer looks like a parody.

I’ve got Laura Rutledge bot looking accounts following me now on Instagram.

Fine, I’ll say it. The Brazilian national anthem stinks.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Sex is great, but have you ever worn a sweatshirt?”

News Item: Bruins concession souvenirs this year include ice cream in goalie masks and draft beer in a hockey glove mug.

Zolak should check his tone. The only QB with worse ball security than Maye is his kid.

John Schreiber being on the Yankees playoff roster against the Red Sox isn’t something you can ever truly prepare for.

Hasselbeck doesn’t look so good. Hope he’s well.

Watched FLEABAG on Prime. Six 1/2 hour eps. Funny, raunchy, something very different. I dug it.

How is there no video of the Section 10 block party after the grand slam?

Andy Reid shouldn’t be in a commercial where they say ‘We’re a family again.’

John Mulaney is just Bowen Yang for bros. One note.

The thing that drives me nuts with Drake Maye is all these cvnts second guessed every decision made by Belichick, they lost their mind over every bad play out of Brady, Gronk, Gilmore or any other star. But Maye can suck for weeks on end and we’re doing fucking Zapruder film shit to prove it definitely wasn’t Drake’s fault!!

And while we’re at it, yeah, I’m this miserable in real life, Dan. I work for a fucking living and spend my off day walking the dog in the downpour, cleaning my basement, watching an abortion of a football game, and cooking a delicious goddamn dinner. I don’t post 9 photo grids online for a couple cents from Elon while mooching off my wife’s salary and acting like I’m better than everyone else for it.

Well, you’re windy and wild
You got the blues in your shoes and your stockings

You’re windy and wild, oh, yeah
Well, you’re built like a car
You got a hub cap diamond star halo
You’re dirty, sweet, and you’re my girl

Get it on, bang a gong, get it on
Get it on, bang a gong, get it on (ooh, yeah)

Once worked with a person who withdrew from their 401k with penalty to buy gold to bury in their backyard.

I just hope the open of tonight’s Red Sox Yankees game focuses on the ‘Curse of the Bambino.’

Nicholas Batum just concluded an 18-year NBA career without ever attracting much attention. But 18 years means someone always wanted you around. Au revoir, Monseiur.

Drake made it sound like the football was disgorged from an elevator at The Overlook Hotel.

Northampton is just one of many cities/towns in Western MA. They don’t rep 413.

There are more people alive today that have seen first-run episodes of The Ernie Kovacs Show than have watched Fleabag.

Kristaps Porzingis is out indefinitely to open training camp with a health issue, per Warriors. Another immediate blow to GSW’s depth.

Get up, walk the dog, turn the computer on and all of a sudden it’s dinner time.

Is UMass a wagon??

The Sullivans want to know why a nor’easter couldn’t have necessitated the cancelation of The Jackson’s Victory Tour in its entirety.

Celtics haven’t had a captain since Rondo in 2014.

As God as my witness, when it was reported 946 could add a member, I was going to post it should be Jaida Parker. I never got around to it. Either way, she fits perfectly. Raw’s hitting its stride, focusing on younger/fresher talent!

Honk if you remember ‘Good Morning, Miss Bliss’.

I feel like Dak Prescott always looks awesome, until he doesn’t. A perfect Tony Romo replacement.

You don’t hit your macros by taking care of a screaming kid.

It takes me a good three games of playoff baseball to get a read on each network’s scorebug.

“Human services coordinator” sounds like what a hooker would put on a LinkedIn page.

Has Coach Vrabes considered renting out a movie theater and showing the team The Program?

It makes me smile that Lucky gets his own Media Day photos.

Best bet for the weekend: buses traveling to Buffalo.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Well it’s plain to see you were meant for me. And I’m your toy, your 20th century boy.