Tag Archives: baseball

07/29/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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You wouldn’t ask a hard question to a coach holding a puppy, would you?

I would suggest that Portnoy not take retards with him to Celebrity Family Feud, but I honestly don’t know who the non-retarded Barstool employees are.

How do you have x-rays negative and a broken wrist?

I love a good Facebook page.

Dr. Blumberg is neglecting her wifely duties; keeping Robert’s pathological need to be in front of a camera in check.

If you get into an online argument about badminton, do they say “you don’t know cock”?

It’s over for Mr. Lombardi.

Lot of bad tattoos at the beach right now.

LeBron is not a Wolf.

Hi not being a jerk but please don’t use “kiddos.” Kids or campers works. Thx

Cakes are coking for Charles Schwab, Roz Kelly, Michelle Angelo, Neal Doughty, Leslie Easterbrook, Geddy Lee, Ken Burns, Patti Scialfa, Scott Steiner, Martina McBride, Mike Williams, Wil Wheaton, Wanyá Morris, Josh Radnor, Allison Mack, Ashley McBryde, Chad Billingsley, and Dak Prescott.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays (enough to be constantly on vacation) is, “Maybe the crew at Dave & Busters are still trying to fish out those skee balls.”

311 is very polarizing.

You get tired much earlier in the night after a fun day at the beach.

The WNBA is going to fuck up the free lunch after the one-car funeral procession for their league.

I don’t want to say I called the Mead injury right away but that’s exactly how it unfolded, like an old AAA map of New England in your glove compartment.

Imagine sharing a screen with Chris Curtis and being, by far, the uglier person.

Cumberland College thought Team Barstool got their asses kicked.

I like that Dan Kelley strays into slightly edgier content than Dan Kelley Sports.

A seagull pooped on my mom’s head at the beach. Thankfully she was wearing my old Hartford Whalers hat that i never wore because it was the wrong hat style. Still sucked having to throw away a Whalers hat at a CT Beach.

Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality
Beyond the gilded cage

Cast in this unlikely role,
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact.

Curtis Mead got injured before some not-as-clever-as-they-think social media person tried to get him to attempt pronunciations of Massachusetts towns in his Aussie accent.

We also monitor your Facebook, too, dummy.

I love the phrase “prospect hugging,” Every player in baseball was a prospect at some point in time. They were all hugged.

Curtain bangs are out. Cloud bangs are in.

That Romo bodycam footage was underwhelming – you’ll all probably pass ten drivers before noon tomorrow drunker than he was.

How can you not love a guy who spreads sawdust during the day, and hot takes at night?

Watch the Backlund cage match vs Snuka from MSG….listen to that crowd.

Red Line Update: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a switch problem at JFK/UMass. Trains may stand by at stations.

Honk if you remember “Captain” Lou Albano.

Fun fact: I’ve never had an Uncrustable. Not opposed, just hasn’t happened.

Will Mead be back before Roman?

Wilt Chamberlain played one season for the Harlem Globetrotters.

Belichick chooses friends like an aspy automaton.

Obviously not the main point of the news this week but Tony Romo pretty lucky at 46 to have his grandparents still alive.

No, I think we should debate Jordan and LeBron again.

Down undah, a limp wrist is an advantage kehd.

Ryan Whitney someday donating his brain to BU for study will have a nice symmetry to it.

Best bet for the weekend: loud and pointless ‘WR1’ arguments.

Zero. Point. Zero.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We are the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx.

Dutch tilt Bianca. Like a Batman TV show villainess. She can tie me up anytime. What?

07/15/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Boston Stadium and its natural grass is gone.

America’s Hat is on fire. Disapprove.

I still haven’t heard Paul George say a single word. For that reason alone, the Celtics won the trade.

Maybe Fenway Park will get the All-Star Game again in 2099.

Bomani Jones still has a podcast? Good for him!

Got home to all the doors and windows open while it’s 86 out.

Sam Neill. OOTG’s. Gone too soon. Maybe they can clone him, from bits of his DNA?

Need Caleb Durbin to hit a grand slam at some point so I can use “Durbie fully loaded” for a headline.

I like to think there is a chestnut eating contest somewhere in the world and Joey Hot Dog is the champion.

Carrabis looks like how Japanese people draw Americans in hentai porn.

I hate that I have to share a world with people who find Pat McAfee entertaining and informative.

Cakes are coking for Linda Ronstadt, Artemis Pyle, Trevor Horn, Jesse Ventura, Jeff Carlisi, John Stallworth, Terry O’Quinn, Alicia Bridges, Joe Satriani, Kim Alexis, Willie Aames, Forest Whitaker, Lolita Davidovich, Brigitte Nielsen, Kirt Manwaring, Adam Savage, Carnell Lake, Scott Foley, Brian Austin Green, John Dolmayan, Diane Kruger, Gabriel Iglesias, Damian Lillardm and Masataka Yoshida.

Good for the Rockies. Finally nailing a draft.

Sorry Norway, but cables & catwalks rules apply to all Florida stadia.

No one celebrates entry level jobs like the sports industry. But congrats to Michael Hurley, I guess!

Punches landed in Vegas: Bam Adebayo: 1, Conor McGregor: 0

Worcester Line Train 533 (10:50 AM from South Station) is operating 10-20 minutes behind schedule between Boston Landing and Worcester due to necessary track work and a switch issue.

Le Braquet is bousted…..well not mine…..!!!!

‘You’re the co-pilot? Wow, you’re pretty enough to have been a stewardess!’ as a pick-up line may not get you cleared for landing, Iceman.

Try to imagine being upset about the 3rd summer league game.

Hair is only useful under age 30.

A fantasy football draft in early July is fucking insane.

Hey gang of right-swipers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Oh, you tryna get bumpy, my Nilla?’

Al’s Seafood in North Hampton kinda owns.

Do you ever lay in bed at night and think about just how good Rajon Rondo was.

Lindey Graham only died to fuck all the people on Kalshi who bet on McConnell being the next dead senator. RIP.

Adam here’s a non sports question or debate I would love a discussion of is what’s the worse kind of in law to deal with ..a gossiper? Or a complainer all the time?

Taylor Mathis looks like she’d have a hotter voice.

We’re doing “reach” in the baseball draft now?

Ain’t no change in the weather
Ain’t no changes in me
Well, there ain’t no change in the weather
Ain’t no changes in me
And I ain’t hiding from nobody
Nobody’s hiding from me
Oh, that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

9.5 hours of sleep + 60 eggs hard boiled = gear for the 47 year old man.

Imagine not wanting to pump a baby into Laura Dern?

They should make the whole of extra time out of corner kicks only.

Tootle your signal device if you shop at a foodstore.

It doesn’t matter if you believe in the Red Sox. All that matters is that the Red Sox believe in the Red Sox.

Thrilled to find out ̶R̶e̶a̶d̶ Rear Admiral is a fellow fan of physical media. Back in the day RA was going to color the outside edge of the CDs with a green felt tip, but all he could find was one of those giant Marks-A-Lot pens and he ended up spending the afternoon huffing that.

You suppose Platner’s oyster farm is set up like a concentration camp?

The LPGA ladies are fun to watch if you’re a golf purist. Just insane ball striking. And a few of them rise to ‘sweaty tennis broad’ level.

And yet his profile pic is of a black man…

The Revs should have their own hall of fame.

Kendra looks like Thomas the Tank Engine, but with rosacea.

I wonder if Nick Wright was wearing a Lindsey Graham jersey the other night.

All the best sex apps names evoke VD symptoms.

In their inaugural season, the @VermontGreenFC women’s team is going to the national championship.

Oh man, Chris Simms put Brady 9th on his all-time QB list.

Imagine if Wemby played goalie.

Best bet for the weekend: a Red Sox second-half stumble out of the gate.

That big Viking fella, he gets America.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Call me the breeze.

And happy birthday to German actress/former model Diane Kruger.

07/08/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Wheeeeee!!!

2-0, the most dangerous lead in sports.

A lotta Celtics fans getting the big sads now that they’ve learned Jayson and Jaylen aren’t best fwiends.

Ronaldo is the only Portuguese guy I’ve ever seen with two eyebrows.

Getting screamed at in Arabic has to be frightening.

Look, that was a disappointing game, but the memories of the USA Soccer snapback I bought will last three, maybe four more days.

Keith Smith is underappreciated until you trade for Paul George and need some explanations.

Belgium has more planet players.

Cakes are coking for Janice Pennington, Jeffrey Tambor, Kim Darby, Raffi Cavoukian, Wolfgang Puck, Anjelica Houston, Jack Lambert, Kevin Bacon, Joan Osborne, Bob Ctvrtlik, Billy Crudup, Michael Weatherly, Beck, Staci Wilson, Wang Zhizhi, Sophia Bush, Jamie Cook, David Corenswet, Jaden Smith, and Maya Hawke.

The fattest most pungent smelling people are always the most opinionated.

I just can’t get out of my head that if only MLS had promotion and relegation Freese wouldn’t have fucked up that third goal.

Why didn’t Brad navigate the Celtics out of the worst CBA in sports in one fell swoop? Felgy coulda done it.

Pochettino looks like he wants to show me how clogged my car’s cabin air filter is.

I don’t know why I think it’s funny that Vrabel took his wife to Taylor Swift’s wedding, but I do.

Airport meals are a killer.

Green Line D Branch: Delays of about 20 minutes due to a disabled train near Brookline Village. Trains may stand by at stations.

Ironhead has broken containment.

So California Bill has his endoscopy? Let me guess: no polyps, but lots of solipsism.

Hey gang of hyperboleists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “There was the Babe Ruth trade out of Boston and then this is probably next.”

Is Carli Lloyd pregnant or is this a Christina Erne situation?

Bring back the Shaw’s Pro Summer League.

A Roger Goodell flunkie is furiously taking notes on the FIFA appeals process.

As my grandpappy used to say, the poor always find time to fuck and paint mini furniture.

Wait, Jaylen Brown and A.J. Brown are cousins?

If I was playing against Messi I would make sure we talked about how someone should mark him.

Buying off deadbeats and grifters with a lifetime meet and greet fast pass is the easiest move Rubin ever made.

Who do you think you’re calling a ‘deranged little clique?’

I somehow don’t believe Thierry Henry actually cares about growing the game in the United States.

@fartpants86 I just reported you to twitter ..

What question did Dondero ask at the presser? Oh, right. Right right right.

Pick yourself up off the side of the road
With your elevator bones and your whip-flash tones
Members only hypnotizers
Move through the room like ambulance drivers

Shine your shoes with your microphone blues
Hirsutes with your parachute fruits
Passing the dutchie from coast to coast
Like my man Gary Wilson (I rock the most)

Where it’s at
I got two turntables and a microphone.
Where it’s at
I got two turntables and a microphone.

I guess we can talk about that paint on Jaylen’s head now.

If you’re going to invent your own hall of fame might as well make the path to induction arbitrary and capricious.

Brad twice basically saying “what the fuck are you talking about?” to Shaughnessy was pretty great.

Nothing good begins “divorce response”.

Imagine how good Pulisic will be in 2030 when he’s healthy!

Honk if you remember the MetLife blimp.

The Nantucket police got any, you know, promising, uh, leads on the missing Breer bikes?

Quite frankly, this whole FIFA ordeal reeks of private equity.

Oh, you’re looking to grow the game? Good luck. We’re putting the ugliest American we got on this story: Ben Volin.

Payton Tolle is the first Red Sox pitcher since Dennis Eckersley (1978) to make at least 4 starts of 6.0+ innings and 0 ER in a single season prior to turning 24.

What do people expect Brad to do, sit there and say “Yeah, we don’t think Jaylen is that good”? For years, we heard sports radio wetbrains saying that Brown and Tatum couldn’t play together. Now that Brad finally agrees, he’s the bad guy?

It’s amazing how Bill Simmons always has an object lesson from his own life to poorly analogize with a current sports situation.

Gonna have to bill my idiot New Hampshire relatives 35 cents for the returnable cans and bottles the threw into the regular trash on the 4th of July.

Best bet for the weekend: ships that are tall.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, PatriotsDaily, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

Now you’re back to Now u’re back to Brown. Please continue speaking so I don’t have to remind everybody how dumb you are.Brown.N you’re back to Brown. Please continue speakin you’re back to Brown. Please continue speakNow you’re back to Brown. Please continue speaki

06/24/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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(Involuntary shudder)

Is Thanasis still available?

For an alleged good athlete Jarren Duran’s the worst outfielder I’ve ever seen.

Was Superfoot at the Eddie Andelman memorial service?

Fox can’t handle a rain delay, meanwhile my good friends at Telemundo have the hot studio señorita chatting it up. Bueno.

Jaylen, Hugo, Scheierman and 3 1sts? What else did they want? The Jordan Marsh blueberry muffin recipe? Reggie Lewis’ headstone?

That US goal-scorer, Alex Freeman, is the son of former Packers WR Antonio Freeman.

I’m not sure why everyone is looking over the option that maybe Milwaukee just doesn’t think Brown is that good and not worth how fucking annoying he’d be after a trade like that.

Maybe I’m in the minority, but I think the Red Sox should have tried a bit harder to keep Kyle Schwarber.

If the Scots can get Massachusetts to re-legalize happy hour I’m buying a kilt.

Fun Fact: the 2026 NBA #1 Draft Pick AJ Dybantsa is from Brockton.

Cakes are cooking for Lowell Cross, Vittorio Storaro, Arthur Brown, Michele Lee, Colin Blunstone, Mick Fleetwood, Peter Weller, Patrick Moraz, Nancy Allen, Joe Penny, Juli Inkster, Bernie Nicholls, Curt Smith, Gary Suter, Uwe Krupp, Jeff Cease, Sherry Stringfield, Richard Kruspe, Karen Stupples, Mindy Kaling, Minka Kelly, Laura Donnelly, JJ Redick, Candice Patton, Phil Hughes, Solange Knowles, Lionel Messi, Erin Moriarty, 

Tyler Herro was the epitome of Heat Culture. Played hard, showed nothing but loyalty to the team. Very sad to see Miami do him dirty like this.

Are we sure that Haaland isn’t the descendant of a Targaryen?

Hey gang of obsessive ‘scapers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Green leaves always burn the best.”

Cameron has a chance to be the best Boozer in the NBA since Vin Baker.

I know nobody cares, but there has to be another piece in that Sabres-Blackhawks deal. Someone in Chicago should be fired.

Buying Springsteen on vinyl unlocks a secret old white dude handshake I think.

Red Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at JFK/UMass. Trains may stand by at stations.

I’m still annoyed about Brendan Fraser’s performance in Pressure.

If you’re eating Spaghetti-O’s in your car, your life may not be going that well to begin with.

Does Brad have to trash a hotel room now?

I don’t get the Czechia thing. We don’t call Japan Nippon.

Could you imagine if Woj came out of retirement and broke the Giannis news?

The USMNT, are they getting too much rest, Tone?

Talking to a couple bar friends. Tonight was a record-breaker for both joints. #TartanArmy

I can’t help about the shape I’m in
I can’t sing, I ain’t pretty and my legs are thin
But don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to
Oh well

Now, when I talked to God I knew he’d understand
He said, “Stick by my side and I’ll be your guiding hand
But don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to
Oh well

The Heat lucked into LeBron conspiring with Wade and Bosh and have basically assumed every star player should go there for free ever since. Then Butler backed up that belief. They got him for Josh fucking Richardson and the deplorable Hassan Whiteside. And I think they tamper their asses off, too.

For a lightskin black guy Jayson Tatum has the most Italian torso I’ve ever seen.

Maybe Comcast shouldn’t have laid off all those employees in NH?

I need a hydration break.

Eddie’s memorial service must have been well attended, what with all the former co-workers that wanted to make sure he was dead.

If Jimmy Haslem is involved in a sports transaction, I’m confident the other side comes out on top.

I like Norway’s jerseys.

Honk if you remember “Morgan Magic.”

Carli Lloyd is kinda Russini-ish. Is she hot or not? Maybe?

RIP, Duke of Dorchester Pete Doherty.

If you took away every player who actually won a title, Jimmy Butler is the greatest winner in NBA history.

Haiti needs a busier flag. And pretty much that’s all.

Quick WNBA tangent: the usual suspects rushed to Twitter Sunday night, upset that Lynx coach Cheryl Reeve said she wished they could have won that night’s game “for the gays” (it was Pride Night). Yeah Cheryl, stop making the WNBA so gay!

I can’t imagine calling an adult male ‘Scooter’.

Hockey Hall of Fame came calling for Patrice Bergeron. Justly so.

Oh no; now Jaylen’s gonna be moody.

Imagine how good Messi would be if he played in a real league.

Best bet for the weekend: that team is Ghana do it!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, PatriotsDaily, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Bare trees, grey light.

And happy birthday to Czech fashion model, tv host and philanthropist Petra Němcová.

The15 Writers’ Room- “Arrayify tituli librorum, khid!”

Harry Potter and the Podcaster’s Stoned

Harry Potter and the Secrets of the Medicine Cabinet

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Alprazolam

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fireball

Harry Potter and the Order of the Percocet

Harry Potter and the Half-Drunk Mick

Harry Potter and the Deathly Jumpshot

05/28/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Hey Jaylen-

Kevin, Bert Bell coined the term ‘sidepiece’.

Whenever a Montreal fan complains about the referees an angel loses its wings.

Do we really have to call a grown man “Wemby”?

Rich Hill was on one inning, and Lou Merloni had a whole pizza in front of him. Jim Rice is on the next inning and the pizza was gone.

It’s definitely been staying lighter out later this year, no?

Celtics Derrick White is the only Gaurd on the NBA All Defensive First Team.

My favorite part of THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU was seeing Cape Cod become a part of the galaxy far, far away. Not sure what planet or location it was but the topography definitely appears Cape-inspired.

Paderborn back up in the Bundesliga where they belong.

Every action shot of SGA is just him mugging like Michael Winslow in Police Academy.

A Red Sox-level tapout from the Cavs. Shameful.

Name news: The new Red Sox reliever is Tyron Guerrero, not Tayron Guerrero. There has been a clerical error throughout his career that’s now corrected.

You can tell I’m a huge US soccer fan by how much I hate all the players.

Why do I listen to the SiriusXM Beatles channel Top 100 Beatles songs each Memorial Day weekend when I know am only going to get angry?

Cakes are cooking for Carroll Baker, Hans Dulfer, Terry Crisp, Gladys Knight, Rudolph Giuliani, John Fogerty, John Wells, Roland Gift, Eugene Robinson, Beth Herr, Glen Rice, Kari Wuhrer, Kylie Minogue, Ekaterina Gordeeva, Marco Rubio, Pat Peake, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Alexa Davalos, Jhonny Peralta, Colbie Calliat, and Michael Oher.

Have more guys thrown out at home in one weekend. I would be so mad at the 3rd base coach if I knew who he was.

They really are going to ruin Nate Bargatze for me by making him do movies, aren’t they?

I came this close to buying a new OTAs hat today but then remembered it’s better to wait until they are over so I can get one on sale.

Revs had trouble handling the CLT. I can relate. Wait, what?

I wish the Red Sox would just cut ties with Clemens. Or else just retire his number. It’s like the world’s longest foreplay. Do it or don’t but stop making me watch you dry hump each other.

Poor Sidney just had one of the toughest JEOPARDY! outings these eyes have ever seen. Looked like stage fright + not getting the buzzer thing down.

I have 3 retarded dogs, all various sizes and all mutts. Non of them piss indoors, or are afraid of the rain. Al Kaprielian can suck my dick.

Kyle wants us to race on, man. Enjoy the race, it’s what he wants.

Pretty sure I just saw the newly-crowned D3 national lacrosse champs @TuftsJumbos crushing Chick-Fil-A at Reagan National.

This new Spidey/Nic Cage joint now has my attention.

I can’t watch an OKC/NY finals. I’ll be too tempted to root for the Knicks and that will (a) feel disgusting and (b) be a miserable experience because they’ll get their teeth kicked in.

Hey gang of boring autists, this week’s Phase that Pays is, “Ended up having to order a button online, doesn’t match exactly.”

Coruscant should be a candidate for “Star Wars planet or places Kennedy’s drink?”

Mortal Kombat II was fine, but man, if there’s anyone who was going to bring Johnny Cage to life in live action, they NAILED IT with Karl Urban. God, he was fantastic.

Another well-earned vacation for Kendra.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

I had a couple of check engine lights come on. But they went off after I tightened the gas cap and drove for 20 or so miles. All fix!

Did the batting cages at Kimballs. I think I now require a stint on the DL.

Between GHOST, ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER, and “Hacks”, Tony Goldwyn has played some of the scumbaggiest mofos MF in screen history.

Merloni is as bad as Scal on replays.

My latest great idea: If a hockey team pulls their goalie, the other team should be able to put a 2nd goalie on the ice.

Gorg morning Ging!

Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla has been named the 2025-26 NBA Coach of the Year, earning the Red Auerbach Trophy.

He got the voices speakin’ riddles
He got the eye as black as coal
He got a suitcase covered with rattlesnake hide
And he stands right in the road.

You got to hidey-hide
You got to jump up run away.
You got to hidey-hidey-hide
The old man is down the road.

Saw Zo at Twin River a week ago. Huge beer gut. 6’5” with sunglassses gave him away. Very good to fans who approached him. Next morning I heard the Awaken180 commercial.

West Ham – Millwall twice next year just like God wanted.

Attn Celtics fans: what the Knicks did in their Game 4 destruction of the Cavs was play classic Tom Heinsohn basketball. That was the greatest fast break clinic since the 70s Celtics, and that includes the 80s “Showtime” Lakers.

Honk if you remember Patrick Roy.

Sal would’ve loved the Spurs parading Coach Pop around like Lou Carnesecca.

Serious NFL business was conducted in the Ground Round!

All time highs are when you’re supposed to invest.

Yes Mut, Red Sox fans chanted ‘sell the team’ because Portnoy popularized the phrase on Barstool merch.

The only thing that’s gay about the UFC is the muscular oiled up dudes in tight shorts rolling around on the ground, rubbing their nutsacks all over each other.

Knicks are in the finals and Shukri is a hyperlocal New Yorker again.

Best bet for the weekend: high temperatures and higher drama at Roland Garros.

no caption required

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I ain’t no fortunate son.

And happy birthday to actress Christa Miller.

05/20/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Patriots. Community. Day.

I wish Jaylen would shut up OR dribble.

Surprised Mickey Gasper hasn’t been questioned about the Gardner Museum heist.

Hey, everybody. Chill. Wemby ain’t Wilt and Wilt wasn’t Wemby. Very different players. But thanks to Wemby’s versatility you could pair them, and wouldn’t that be frightening?

Why wouldn’t they just keep using an opener for Bello? Because it was actually working?

Too little, too late on that goalie change. methinks.

James Harden should be left on the airport tarmac even though they aren’t flying anywhere.

Kyle Schwarber looks like he could be a Steiner brother.

When the NFL’s schedule release aligns with your colonoscopy prep, you write about both.

In terms of Boston movies, RA thinks he’s Affleck in The Town, but he’s actually Cliff Robertson at the beginning of Charly.

Annie Agar has almost zero white knights.

Way to let slip your husband had a no-show job with the Sox, second Mrs. Varitek.

Florio suggesting that Russini was pressured into fucking Vrabel the same day someone finds her thirst trap video is perfect. No notes.

Cakes are cooking for Sadaharu Oh, Tison Street, Cher, Craig Patrick, Steve George, Jane Wiedlin, Bronson Pinchot, Susan Cowsill, Tony Goldwyn, David Wells, Todd Stottlemyre, Mindy Cohn, Busta Rhymes, Matt Czuchry, Mike Flanagan, Jayson Werth, Rachel Platten, Sierra Boggess, Chris Froome, Enes Kanter Freedom, Harris Reed, Tara Davis-Woodhall, and Trinity Rodman.

Genuinely woke up and immediately smiled thinking about how I get to watch Wemby later. Like first thought of the entire day.

It’s 2026 and we are complaining about not getting Brusder Gratarol in the Betts deal?

Tony ‘Engagement’ Farmer. Boom. Roasted.

It’s not until you start listening to Bill Simmons with your young kids in the car that you realize how often he curses – including dropping f-bombs – on air. We were listening to his episode with Nick Wright, and I felt like I’d brought my kids to see Goodfellas.

Not a lot of babies being named Bob like there used to be.

Homemade mayonnaise?

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses are replacing service between Wonderland and Revere Beach due to an issue with the overhead wire at Wonderland. Please expect delays as shuttles are dispatched.

Scal discovered Cooper Flagg and Stephen Curry.

I love a last name that reminds me of how Superman was paralyzed.

In accordance with his will, Mark Fuhrman’s Nazi memorabilia will be bequeathed to Curt Schilling.

I wonder why the white guy with a racially ambiguous name and million+ followers that commentates on the NBA chooses not to use an actual picture of himself?

It’s just easier to function when it’s pleasant outside and not awful.

Dave Mlicki pitched the very first regular-season game between the Mets and Yankees in 1997, and he shut out the defending champions, spinning curveballs and striking out eight. Any list of great Subway Series performers starts with him.

Hey gang of professional word-users, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You can see all the water shining on the grass.”

Man, how about that footie match? Blimey!

Mickey Gasper looks like if you incorporated Mario into RBI baseball with a cheat code.

Honk if you remember Schlitz beer.

‘Sir Winston Tulips’ was Upton Bell’s Provincetown stage name for the summer of 1980.

Maybe the Red Sox should let Tolle close his own starts?

Seems I’ve got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I’ve got to leave before I start to scream
Won’t someone lock the door and turn the key

Feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling too good myself (on, no)
If I feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling that good myself, yeah (oh, no)

Apparently there are people who are so anti-vaccine that they aren’t getting their dogs their rabies shots!!! WTF is that?! Never read Cujo?!

Who forgot to say Spida?

According to Annie Agar, she lost weight because she stopped eating refined sugar. Her entire diet must have consisted of refined sugar.

Kendrick Perkins needs to explode like Mr. Creosote.

You guys are so upset about the Red Sox being the only Boston team left when you could just be watching the Giro d’italia and then the Tour de France and then the Vuelta and then the world championships and then oh my goodness what’s this is that cyclocross I see!?

That is blatant Free Jacks erasure.

That fella who won the PGA Championship looked a bit too dusky to be an Englishman to me. Must be the coal dust.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa has now played all nine positions in the big leagues.

Hailey Van Lith sounds like an indie band name.

Break up the Revs?

The Buffalo Sabres fans can go back to not having jobs now, I guess.

Best bet for the weekend: reports of record-breaking travel.

Just sayin’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take these broken wings And learn to fly again Learn to live so free.

RIP to careless chanteuse Claudine Longet. She’s with Spider Sabich again, possibly.

05/13/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Patriots first pick Caleb Lomu..6’6” 313 pounds is an AVID golfer..

Just a reminder Bostonians, Mickey Gasper has a moustache, while Chris Gasper has a beard.

First the Peebs, now the Fleet are done with the ‘yoffs too?

I hate the Montréal Canadiens with a burning passion, but sacre merde it must be unbelievable to watch a playoff game in their ol’ barn.

Jarren Duran shouldn’t be on any social media at all. No forms of communication except telegraph.

Actually, you can eject Wemby from a playoff game for that.

Maybe Mike Vrabel will get a year off like Cora did. Steve Roenicke available?

WWE is in its WCW era.

Nothing like the drip drip drip of NFL schedule release week.

Way to heroically win one more playoff game than the Celtics did, Sixers.

Something you may not know: Greg Weissert is a clubhouse glue guy. A close friend of Crochet, Story, Duran and the group of bigger names on the roster. A key cog in the clubhouse culture.

Being serious I can’t wait for the Patriots schedule to drop. Going week by week and figuring out which games I’m attending is awesome.

Mitch Johnson looks like one of the ethnically ambiguous backup dancers from “Hamilton.”

Cakes are cooking for Roch Carrier, Harvey Keitel, Senta Berger, Armistead Maupin, “Blue” Lou Marini, Magic Dick Salwitz, Stevie Wonder, Paul Thompson, David Simon, Dennis Rodman, Chris Washburn, Darius Rucker, Parrish J. Smith, Tom Nalen, Josh Taves, Pusha T, Barry Zito, Mike Bibby, Sunny Leone, Lena Dunham, Robert Pattinson, Tyrann Mathieu, Willson Contreras, and Morgan Wallen.

Bob Ryan spending his golden years replying to everyone on twitter is a cautionary tale for the sports debate industrial complex.

Trevor Bauer just needs to get Josina Anderson in his camp.

Duran deleting his whole Instagram account and not just the offending Holley post signals to everyone that he’s having a mental crash out, and that’s his comfort zone. Can’t criticize me!

I hope the $12.5M cap hit next season for the Grizzlies Brandon Clarke gets removed. Right thing to do.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Everyone whines about nepotism with regard to Noah Eagle. Did he have certain advantages to get his foot in the door? Of course. That’s called life. But once you’re in the door, you need to be good to stay there. And he is excellent.

TwoTimes tried to warn us.

Hey gang of innkeepers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you got time to tweet, you’ve got time to be neat.”

Is Ken the new WALLDICK? I’m missing out on all the zoinks action.

Philly must have contracted the Mazulla Myth, it must spread by human contact.

Bobby Cox didn’t die like five years ago? Huh.

You can call it what you wanna
I call it messin’ with the kid.

You know you’re at a good brewery when the two TV’s are playing women’s soccer and rodeo.

It’s UFC, not EBT.

Musta got lost, musta got lost, musta got lost
Somewhere down the line
Musta got lost, musta got lost
Give away the day you were mine.

That scene in the Netflix documentary where Cora was preparing the other coaches to handle Duran’s feelingzzzz if he didn’t make the all star team was so embarrassing.

Vic Morrow got an autopsy, too.

Jersey Mike’s turkey and provolone is one of the best subs you’ll ever have.

LeBron must be hating all the ‘will he or won’t he retire’ attention.

When Tolle walks off the mound he looks like a local stumbling out of Triple O’s in 1983.

Matt McCarthy also gets his dental work done at Town Fair Tire.

Hilarious to me that Roman Anthony talked up Alex Bregman all offseason as a leader and someone he looked up to, and then the Sox promptly let him go. Mighta been nice to keep a guy like that!

Kara Lawson shoulda been the third contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy! All-Stars with Katie and Mina!

Sad hearing about Ochre from Vengeance of the Nerds. Reminds me of my college days.

Ladies, for your own safety, stop messing with the thermostat!

Best bet for the weekend: tree pollen.

Thass right, sweatie.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I just called, to say, I love you.

And happy birthday to actress and apparently also singer Debby Ryan.

05/06/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Of course.

The show that was terrible on WZLX isn’t better on a worse station? Huh.

I’m just saying it’s awfully suspicious that Spirit Airlines went under right before every other sports fan in Boston was ready to drive Jaylen to the airport.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are lucky like Whitey Bulger when it comes to the Draft lottery.

Sports is supposed to be enjoyable but often sports is not.

Where’s the second longest bar in Worcester?

Ted Johnson wearing glasses makes me laugh every time.

Cakes are cooking for Masanori Murakami, Bob Seger, Jimmie Dale Gilmour, Mary MacGregor, David Leestma, Lynn Whitfield, Tony Blair, Tom Bergeron, Tim Simpson, Kate Collins, Julianne Phillips, George Clooney, Roma Downey, Mark Bryan, Martin Brodeur, Brooke Bennett, Edyta Sliwinska, Jason Witten, Adrianne Palicki, Gabourey Sidibe, Chris Paul, Emily Armstrong, Goran Dragić, Meek Mill, Dominika Cibulková, Jose Altuve, Naomi Scott, and Angel Reese.

I didn’t see the exit interview, did Jaylen say something pseudointellectual and glib?

The divorced whore table at the Knights was particularly aggressive the other night. I was focused on the game.

Hey, at least we don’t have to deal with any more stupid streaming-only Celtics playoff games this year.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I love that for them.”

Red Sox with a modest win streak?

Congratulations Stefon Diggs on your courtroom victory. Also; plan on being bankrupt about 5 minutes after retiring.

Green Line C Branch: May 6-17

Shuttle Buses replace service between Cleveland Circle & Kenmore for maintenance. Shuttles will not service Saint Mary’s Street, Kent Street, or Brandon Hall. Riders at Cleveland Circle can use the D Branch at Reservoir.

Does anyone in the world buy the middle tier of gasoline between unleaded and premium? Who is it for?

John Sterling. In life all good things come to an end, Suzyn. Like his shoehorning a Bambino-esque nickname for every Yankee player. RIP.

I stopped following Amaka Ubaka on Facebook tonight.

Divisive denim trend Szn!

Imagine being forced to scrub the floors while Bart Simpson menacingly informs you that your thetans are out of whack.

Punching Austin Reeves should be mandatory.

CVS needs to cool it with the text messages. I’ll pick up my prescriptions when I damn well please.

Buy gayer grass seed.

The Met Gala? Three Gobbles.

I would have watched Jaylen review tape on Twitch but, you know, I don’t have a gaming chair.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered?
Started hummin’ a song from 1962
Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closin’ in…

Honk if you remember when Pinkberry was at the Prudential.

I heard Spurs-Timberwolves Game 2 can only be seen with a View-Master.

A power strip is what everything plugs into. Electricity.

Robert Edward Turner III. He’s why everyone grew up watching the Atlanta Braves on the SuperStation TBS. RIP.

I’m sure Kevin Durant won’t poison the next team he ends up with.

Best bet for the weekend: Cosplay Canadians in Buffalo outplay the genuine Canadiens.

Soon.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Night Moves.

Of course Bianca is sad that the Bruins and Celtics playoffs are over, but she’s smiling her way through it.

Yet Even More Little-Known Beantown (and Foxborough) Sports Facts!

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Note: Patrick Scartelli has taken this week off from Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer. In his place is a submission from good friend of The15net dot com, sportswriter Mr. Stanislas Tecumseh Darden, Jr., with an excerpt from his book, ‘406 Little-Known Beantown (& Foxborough) Sports Facts!’

The then-New England Whalers won their first and only World Hockey Association Avco World Trophy at the Boston Garden in 1973!

Pick #199 in the 2000 NFL Draft was a compensatory pick granted to New England after punter Tom Tupa signed with the New York Jets! New England used that pick to draft Michigan QB Tom Brady!

From 1997 to 2007, giant Coke Bottles were attached to a left field light tower for advertising purposes at Fenway Park!

Boston Globe writer Jerry Nason in 1936 coined the term, ‘Heartbreak Hill’ for that stretch of the Newton Hills of the Boston Marathon!

The Boston Celtics and the Boston Red Sox both won their last championships at home!

Boston Garden’s first sporting event was on November 17, 1928, a boxing card headlined by Boston Native “Honey Boy” Dick Finnegan’s defeat of Andre Routis!

The New England Revolution was the last franchise in Major League Soccer to adopt a new logo!

No one knows what happened to the Isobel Cup!

In December of 1995 five fans were electrocuted when a goalpost removed from Foxboro Stadium by jubilant fans came in contact with power lines!

The George R. White Memorial Stadium would be a great potential site for a women’s soccer league team to play!

For several years, Red Sox slugger David Ortiz had no idea what teammate Dustin Pedroia’s first name was!

The Bruins’ Stanley Cup finals appearances in 1988 and 1990 were both disrupted by power outages!

The late Pro Football Hall of Fame inductee Art Donovan played his college football with the Boston College Eagles!

In 1939, a financial dispute between Ice Follies figure skater Sonje Henie and her managers led Boston Garden General Manager Walter Brown and eight other arena managers to found the Ice Capades!

At Fenway Park, there is a big concourse called The Big Concourse!

The New England Free Jacks are defending three-time Major League Rugby Champions!

Fenway Park’s first night game took place on June 13, 1947, when the Boston Red Sox played under the new lights for the first time!

The Beanpot is neither a bean nor a pot, but rather, it is a college hockey tournament between four Boston-area colleges & universities!

The Boston Braves played at Braves Park, (which is now Nickerson Field) from 1915 until 1952!

Three generations of McNeeley’s (Thomas Senior, Tom, and ‘Hurricane’ Peter) boxed professionally at Boston Garden!

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology athletics mascot is a beaver named Tim, which is MIT backwards!

The TD Garden has never hosted an NBA All Star Game! The last one in Boston was played in 1964!

Fenway Franks are made by Everett-based Kayem Foods Inc.!

Joan Benoit won the Woman’s Division of the Boston Marathon in 1979 and 1983, setting a record that would last for 11 years!

Star Cambridge Rindge and Latin hooper Patrick Ewing shocked Beantowners by signing a letter of intent to play for Georgetown instead of a local school!

Fenway Park is the oldest stadium in Major League Baseball!

04/08/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Probably nothing.

Best friends hold hands all the time. What’s the problem?

You can’t win them every year, UConn. That goes for the men as well as the women.

Red Sox are AIDSier than that lesion on Cora’s face.

This year’s Celtics broad cast was better than the one last year, I guess.

I assure you, there are still white people at Fenway.

Geekie off the schnied. The rest of the Black & Gold? eh.

I think the powers that be have drastically overestimated people’s desire for more Kelce family content.

First they say Bill is too hostile to the media. Now this. Make up your mind, people.

Cakes are coking for Stuart Pankin, Tim Thomerson, Steve Howe, Jim Lampley, Mel Schacher, Adam Woods, Barbara Kingsolver, Kane Hodder, Fred Smerlas, John Schneider, Izzy Stradlin, Julian Lennon, Terry Porter, Lisa Guerrero, Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Alex Gonzalez, Emma Caulfield, Jeremy Guthrie, Taylor Kitsch, Gennady Golovkin, Ezra Koenig, Félix Hernández, Matthew Healy, CeeDee Lamb, and Isaac Hempstead Wright.

Yeah, let’s get NFL-like catch rules for baseball. That’ll go great. ‘You have to make a baseball move after you catch it.’

Courtney Love looks absolutely nothing like Courtney Love.

It was a magnanimous gesture for Geno to offer that insincere apology.

Anthony Lopopolo is JK Rowling character levels of hilarious. Why not just name him ‘Vowels Spaghettini?’

Hey gang of reply guys, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I was disappointed that you were joking, then I clicked the probable spam and was disappointed you were telling the truth.”

Will Flemming should be shot into the sun for promising me smiles.

Lakers fans complaining about Luka and Reaves being injured, try dealing with consecutive first round picks DYING and get back to me.

Maybe Mike Vrabel is just an affectionate greeter?

LMAO at Barkley pretending he pays attention to women’s basketball.

Bodhisattva, would you take me by the hand?

Word of advice, if you have bipolar or another mental illness, don’t jack up your credit cards when in a mania or in a depression…use cash! Interest is a nasty mofo.

Drew Carter is morphing into Chris Forsberg.

Remember, weakness is just pain leaving the body.

The Section 10 podcast has been dropped by more platforms than Katie Nolan.

Don’t worry, guys, I’m sure Mike Reiss will hold Coach Vrabes accountable.

“Portuguese pulled pork” is what Sal calls a handjob.

The Michigan guys look taller because their numbers are so small and set high.

Flavor Flav passing Snoop as our most Reddit-coded rapper.

Dianna’s not perverted; she’s just Italian.

I will remember you
Your silhouette will charge the view
Of distant atmosphere
Call it morning driving through the sound
And even in the valley.

In and around the lake
Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there
One mile over we’ll be there and we’ll see you
Ten true summers we’ll be there and laughing, too
24 before my love you’ll see I’ll be there with you.

I look forward to Chuck Klosterman’s next book where he writes about “How the Challenger Explosion Explains the ABS Era.”

Your insole size is the same as your shoe size.

Sir Paul McCartney doesn’t get enough credit for the “Spies Like Us’ song.

Puka is going to Nazi rehab?

Honk if you remember David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Triston. Not #owning.

Vrabes will now have to interlock fingers with Karen Guregian the next time he sees her. All fix!

Whether it’s a hotel in Chicago on the Artemis II spacecraft, breaking the toilet will make you feel like a numrod.

Blink and you missed it, but Don Orsillo was back in town during the series against the Padres!

Jerry Thornton is really scared he’s going to join his brothers in hell.

CVS not immediately offering the Easter candy at 50% off is a breach of the unwrittens.

A little hand-holding is all Peter King ever really wanted.

Congratulations, Steve Burton.

Cooper Flagg is just unbelievable.

Best bet for the weekend: it coming down to the final hole on the last day at Augusta National.

Deleted. But the foreverality of the interwebs and things like that.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friends Hacksaw and Miserable Fellow, @PatriotsDaily, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Perfect for entertaining, or just snacking.

And happy birthday to actress Kirsten Storms.

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