Tag Archives: baseball

05/28/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Hey Jaylen-

Kevin, Bert Bell coined the term ‘sidepiece’.

Whenever a Montreal fan complains about the referees an angel loses its wings.

Do we really have to call a grown man “Wemby”?

Rich Hill was on one inning, and Lou Merloni had a whole pizza in front of him. Jim Rice is on the next inning and the pizza was gone.

It’s definitely been staying lighter out later this year, no?

Celtics Derrick White is the only Gaurd on the NBA All Defensive First Team.

My favorite part of THE MANDALORIAN AND GROGU was seeing Cape Cod become a part of the galaxy far, far away. Not sure what planet or location it was but the topography definitely appears Cape-inspired.

Paderborn back up in the Bundesliga where they belong.

Every action shot of SGA is just him mugging like Michael Winslow in Police Academy.

A Red Sox-level tapout from the Cavs. Shameful.

Name news: The new Red Sox reliever is Tyron Guerrero, not Tayron Guerrero. There has been a clerical error throughout his career that’s now corrected.

You can tell I’m a huge US soccer fan by how much I hate all the players.

Why do I listen to the SiriusXM Beatles channel Top 100 Beatles songs each Memorial Day weekend when I know am only going to get angry?

Cakes are cooking for Carroll Baker, Hans Dulfer, Terry Crisp, Gladys Knight, Rudolph Giuliani, John Fogerty, John Wells, Roland Gift, Eugene Robinson, Beth Herr, Glen Rice, Kari Wuhrer, Kylie Minogue, Ekaterina Gordeeva, Marco Rubio, Pat Peake, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, Alexa Davalos, Jhonny Peralta, Colbie Calliat, and Michael Oher.

Have more guys thrown out at home in one weekend. I would be so mad at the 3rd base coach if I knew who he was.

They really are going to ruin Nate Bargatze for me by making him do movies, aren’t they?

I came this close to buying a new OTAs hat today but then remembered it’s better to wait until they are over so I can get one on sale.

Revs had trouble handling the CLT. I can relate. Wait, what?

I wish the Red Sox would just cut ties with Clemens. Or else just retire his number. It’s like the world’s longest foreplay. Do it or don’t but stop making me watch you dry hump each other.

Poor Sidney just had one of the toughest JEOPARDY! outings these eyes have ever seen. Looked like stage fright + not getting the buzzer thing down.

I have 3 retarded dogs, all various sizes and all mutts. Non of them piss indoors, or are afraid of the rain. Al Kaprielian can suck my dick.

Kyle wants us to race on, man. Enjoy the race, it’s what he wants.

Pretty sure I just saw the newly-crowned D3 national lacrosse champs @TuftsJumbos crushing Chick-Fil-A at Reagan National.

This new Spidey/Nic Cage joint now has my attention.

I can’t watch an OKC/NY finals. I’ll be too tempted to root for the Knicks and that will (a) feel disgusting and (b) be a miserable experience because they’ll get their teeth kicked in.

Hey gang of boring autists, this week’s Phase that Pays is, “Ended up having to order a button online, doesn’t match exactly.”

Coruscant should be a candidate for “Star Wars planet or places Kennedy’s drink?”

Mortal Kombat II was fine, but man, if there’s anyone who was going to bring Johnny Cage to life in live action, they NAILED IT with Karl Urban. God, he was fantastic.

Another well-earned vacation for Kendra.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

I had a couple of check engine lights come on. But they went off after I tightened the gas cap and drove for 20 or so miles. All fix!

Did the batting cages at Kimballs. I think I now require a stint on the DL.

Between GHOST, ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER, and “Hacks”, Tony Goldwyn has played some of the scumbaggiest mofos MF in screen history.

Merloni is as bad as Scal on replays.

My latest great idea: If a hockey team pulls their goalie, the other team should be able to put a 2nd goalie on the ice.

Gorg morning Ging!

Boston Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla has been named the 2025-26 NBA Coach of the Year, earning the Red Auerbach Trophy.

He got the voices speakin’ riddles
He got the eye as black as coal
He got a suitcase covered with rattlesnake hide
And he stands right in the road.

You got to hidey-hide
You got to jump up run away.
You got to hidey-hidey-hide
The old man is down the road.

Saw Zo at Twin River a week ago. Huge beer gut. 6’5” with sunglassses gave him away. Very good to fans who approached him. Next morning I heard the Awaken180 commercial.

West Ham – Millwall twice next year just like God wanted.

Attn Celtics fans: what the Knicks did in their Game 4 destruction of the Cavs was play classic Tom Heinsohn basketball. That was the greatest fast break clinic since the 70s Celtics, and that includes the 80s “Showtime” Lakers.

Honk if you remember Patrick Roy.

Sal would’ve loved the Spurs parading Coach Pop around like Lou Carnesecca.

Serious NFL business was conducted in the Ground Round!

All time highs are when you’re supposed to invest.

Yes Mut, Red Sox fans chanted ‘sell the team’ because Portnoy popularized the phrase on Barstool merch.

The only thing that’s gay about the UFC is the muscular oiled up dudes in tight shorts rolling around on the ground, rubbing their nutsacks all over each other.

Knicks are in the finals and Shukri is a hyperlocal New Yorker again.

Best bet for the weekend: high temperatures and higher drama at Roland Garros.

no caption required

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I ain’t no fortunate son.

And happy birthday to actress Christa Miller.

05/20/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Patriots. Community. Day.

I wish Jaylen would shut up OR dribble.

Surprised Mickey Gasper hasn’t been questioned about the Gardner Museum heist.

Hey, everybody. Chill. Wemby ain’t Wilt and Wilt wasn’t Wemby. Very different players. But thanks to Wemby’s versatility you could pair them, and wouldn’t that be frightening?

Why wouldn’t they just keep using an opener for Bello? Because it was actually working?

Too little, too late on that goalie change. methinks.

James Harden should be left on the airport tarmac even though they aren’t flying anywhere.

Kyle Schwarber looks like he could be a Steiner brother.

When the NFL’s schedule release aligns with your colonoscopy prep, you write about both.

In terms of Boston movies, RA thinks he’s Affleck in The Town, but he’s actually Cliff Robertson at the beginning of Charly.

Annie Agar has almost zero white knights.

Way to let slip your husband had a no-show job with the Sox, second Mrs. Varitek.

Florio suggesting that Russini was pressured into fucking Vrabel the same day someone finds her thirst trap video is perfect. No notes.

Cakes are cooking for Sadaharu Oh, Tison Street, Cher, Craig Patrick, Steve George, Jane Wiedlin, Bronson Pinchot, Susan Cowsill, Tony Goldwyn, David Wells, Todd Stottlemyre, Mindy Cohn, Busta Rhymes, Matt Czuchry, Mike Flanagan, Jayson Werth, Rachel Platten, Sierra Boggess, Chris Froome, Enes Kanter Freedom, Harris Reed, Tara Davis-Woodhall, and Trinity Rodman.

Genuinely woke up and immediately smiled thinking about how I get to watch Wemby later. Like first thought of the entire day.

It’s 2026 and we are complaining about not getting Brusder Gratarol in the Betts deal?

Tony ‘Engagement’ Farmer. Boom. Roasted.

It’s not until you start listening to Bill Simmons with your young kids in the car that you realize how often he curses – including dropping f-bombs – on air. We were listening to his episode with Nick Wright, and I felt like I’d brought my kids to see Goodfellas.

Not a lot of babies being named Bob like there used to be.

Homemade mayonnaise?

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses are replacing service between Wonderland and Revere Beach due to an issue with the overhead wire at Wonderland. Please expect delays as shuttles are dispatched.

Scal discovered Cooper Flagg and Stephen Curry.

I love a last name that reminds me of how Superman was paralyzed.

In accordance with his will, Mark Fuhrman’s Nazi memorabilia will be bequeathed to Curt Schilling.

I wonder why the white guy with a racially ambiguous name and million+ followers that commentates on the NBA chooses not to use an actual picture of himself?

It’s just easier to function when it’s pleasant outside and not awful.

Dave Mlicki pitched the very first regular-season game between the Mets and Yankees in 1997, and he shut out the defending champions, spinning curveballs and striking out eight. Any list of great Subway Series performers starts with him.

Hey gang of professional word-users, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You can see all the water shining on the grass.”

Man, how about that footie match? Blimey!

Mickey Gasper looks like if you incorporated Mario into RBI baseball with a cheat code.

Honk if you remember Schlitz beer.

‘Sir Winston Tulips’ was Upton Bell’s Provincetown stage name for the summer of 1980.

Maybe the Red Sox should let Tolle close his own starts?

Seems I’ve got to have a change of scene
Every night I have the strangest dreams
Imprisoned by the way it could have been
Left here on my own or so it seems
I’ve got to leave before I start to scream
Won’t someone lock the door and turn the key

Feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling too good myself (on, no)
If I feeling alright (oh, no)
I’m not feeling that good myself, yeah (oh, no)

Apparently there are people who are so anti-vaccine that they aren’t getting their dogs their rabies shots!!! WTF is that?! Never read Cujo?!

Who forgot to say Spida?

According to Annie Agar, she lost weight because she stopped eating refined sugar. Her entire diet must have consisted of refined sugar.

Kendrick Perkins needs to explode like Mr. Creosote.

You guys are so upset about the Red Sox being the only Boston team left when you could just be watching the Giro d’italia and then the Tour de France and then the Vuelta and then the world championships and then oh my goodness what’s this is that cyclocross I see!?

That is blatant Free Jacks erasure.

That fella who won the PGA Championship looked a bit too dusky to be an Englishman to me. Must be the coal dust.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa has now played all nine positions in the big leagues.

Hailey Van Lith sounds like an indie band name.

Break up the Revs?

The Buffalo Sabres fans can go back to not having jobs now, I guess.

Best bet for the weekend: reports of record-breaking travel.

Just sayin’.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take these broken wings And learn to fly again Learn to live so free.

RIP to careless chanteuse Claudine Longet. She’s with Spider Sabich again, possibly.

05/13/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Patriots first pick Caleb Lomu..6’6” 313 pounds is an AVID golfer..

Just a reminder Bostonians, Mickey Gasper has a moustache, while Chris Gasper has a beard.

First the Peebs, now the Fleet are done with the ‘yoffs too?

I hate the Montréal Canadiens with a burning passion, but sacre merde it must be unbelievable to watch a playoff game in their ol’ barn.

Jarren Duran shouldn’t be on any social media at all. No forms of communication except telegraph.

Actually, you can eject Wemby from a playoff game for that.

Maybe Mike Vrabel will get a year off like Cora did. Steve Roenicke available?

WWE is in its WCW era.

Nothing like the drip drip drip of NFL schedule release week.

Way to heroically win one more playoff game than the Celtics did, Sixers.

Something you may not know: Greg Weissert is a clubhouse glue guy. A close friend of Crochet, Story, Duran and the group of bigger names on the roster. A key cog in the clubhouse culture.

Being serious I can’t wait for the Patriots schedule to drop. Going week by week and figuring out which games I’m attending is awesome.

Mitch Johnson looks like one of the ethnically ambiguous backup dancers from “Hamilton.”

Cakes are cooking for Roch Carrier, Harvey Keitel, Senta Berger, Armistead Maupin, “Blue” Lou Marini, Magic Dick Salwitz, Stevie Wonder, Paul Thompson, David Simon, Dennis Rodman, Chris Washburn, Darius Rucker, Parrish J. Smith, Tom Nalen, Josh Taves, Pusha T, Barry Zito, Mike Bibby, Sunny Leone, Lena Dunham, Robert Pattinson, Tyrann Mathieu, Willson Contreras, and Morgan Wallen.

Bob Ryan spending his golden years replying to everyone on twitter is a cautionary tale for the sports debate industrial complex.

Trevor Bauer just needs to get Josina Anderson in his camp.

Duran deleting his whole Instagram account and not just the offending Holley post signals to everyone that he’s having a mental crash out, and that’s his comfort zone. Can’t criticize me!

I hope the $12.5M cap hit next season for the Grizzlies Brandon Clarke gets removed. Right thing to do.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Everyone whines about nepotism with regard to Noah Eagle. Did he have certain advantages to get his foot in the door? Of course. That’s called life. But once you’re in the door, you need to be good to stay there. And he is excellent.

TwoTimes tried to warn us.

Hey gang of innkeepers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you got time to tweet, you’ve got time to be neat.”

Is Ken the new WALLDICK? I’m missing out on all the zoinks action.

Philly must have contracted the Mazulla Myth, it must spread by human contact.

Bobby Cox didn’t die like five years ago? Huh.

You can call it what you wanna
I call it messin’ with the kid.

You know you’re at a good brewery when the two TV’s are playing women’s soccer and rodeo.

It’s UFC, not EBT.

Musta got lost, musta got lost, musta got lost
Somewhere down the line
Musta got lost, musta got lost
Give away the day you were mine.

That scene in the Netflix documentary where Cora was preparing the other coaches to handle Duran’s feelingzzzz if he didn’t make the all star team was so embarrassing.

Vic Morrow got an autopsy, too.

Jersey Mike’s turkey and provolone is one of the best subs you’ll ever have.

LeBron must be hating all the ‘will he or won’t he retire’ attention.

When Tolle walks off the mound he looks like a local stumbling out of Triple O’s in 1983.

Matt McCarthy also gets his dental work done at Town Fair Tire.

Hilarious to me that Roman Anthony talked up Alex Bregman all offseason as a leader and someone he looked up to, and then the Sox promptly let him go. Mighta been nice to keep a guy like that!

Kara Lawson shoulda been the third contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy! All-Stars with Katie and Mina!

Sad hearing about Ochre from Vengeance of the Nerds. Reminds me of my college days.

Ladies, for your own safety, stop messing with the thermostat!

Best bet for the weekend: tree pollen.

Thass right, sweatie.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I just called, to say, I love you.

And happy birthday to actress and apparently also singer Debby Ryan.

05/06/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Of course.

The show that was terrible on WZLX isn’t better on a worse station? Huh.

I’m just saying it’s awfully suspicious that Spirit Airlines went under right before every other sports fan in Boston was ready to drive Jaylen to the airport.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are lucky like Whitey Bulger when it comes to the Draft lottery.

Sports is supposed to be enjoyable but often sports is not.

Where’s the second longest bar in Worcester?

Ted Johnson wearing glasses makes me laugh every time.

Cakes are cooking for Masanori Murakami, Bob Seger, Jimmie Dale Gilmour, Mary MacGregor, David Leestma, Lynn Whitfield, Tony Blair, Tom Bergeron, Tim Simpson, Kate Collins, Julianne Phillips, George Clooney, Roma Downey, Mark Bryan, Martin Brodeur, Brooke Bennett, Edyta Sliwinska, Jason Witten, Adrianne Palicki, Gabourey Sidibe, Chris Paul, Emily Armstrong, Goran Dragić, Meek Mill, Dominika Cibulková, Jose Altuve, Naomi Scott, and Angel Reese.

I didn’t see the exit interview, did Jaylen say something pseudointellectual and glib?

The divorced whore table at the Knights was particularly aggressive the other night. I was focused on the game.

Hey, at least we don’t have to deal with any more stupid streaming-only Celtics playoff games this year.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I love that for them.”

Red Sox with a modest win streak?

Congratulations Stefon Diggs on your courtroom victory. Also; plan on being bankrupt about 5 minutes after retiring.

Green Line C Branch: May 6-17

Shuttle Buses replace service between Cleveland Circle & Kenmore for maintenance. Shuttles will not service Saint Mary’s Street, Kent Street, or Brandon Hall. Riders at Cleveland Circle can use the D Branch at Reservoir.

Does anyone in the world buy the middle tier of gasoline between unleaded and premium? Who is it for?

John Sterling. In life all good things come to an end, Suzyn. Like his shoehorning a Bambino-esque nickname for every Yankee player. RIP.

I stopped following Amaka Ubaka on Facebook tonight.

Divisive denim trend Szn!

Imagine being forced to scrub the floors while Bart Simpson menacingly informs you that your thetans are out of whack.

Punching Austin Reeves should be mandatory.

CVS needs to cool it with the text messages. I’ll pick up my prescriptions when I damn well please.

Buy gayer grass seed.

The Met Gala? Three Gobbles.

I would have watched Jaylen review tape on Twitch but, you know, I don’t have a gaming chair.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered?
Started hummin’ a song from 1962
Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closin’ in…

Honk if you remember when Pinkberry was at the Prudential.

I heard Spurs-Timberwolves Game 2 can only be seen with a View-Master.

A power strip is what everything plugs into. Electricity.

Robert Edward Turner III. He’s why everyone grew up watching the Atlanta Braves on the SuperStation TBS. RIP.

I’m sure Kevin Durant won’t poison the next team he ends up with.

Best bet for the weekend: Cosplay Canadians in Buffalo outplay the genuine Canadiens.

Soon.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Night Moves.

Of course Bianca is sad that the Bruins and Celtics playoffs are over, but she’s smiling her way through it.

Yet Even More Little-Known Beantown (and Foxborough) Sports Facts!

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Note: Patrick Scartelli has taken this week off from Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer. In his place is a submission from good friend of The15net dot com, sportswriter Mr. Stanislas Tecumseh Darden, Jr., with an excerpt from his book, ‘406 Little-Known Beantown (& Foxborough) Sports Facts!’

The then-New England Whalers won their first and only World Hockey Association Avco World Trophy at the Boston Garden in 1973!

Pick #199 in the 2000 NFL Draft was a compensatory pick granted to New England after punter Tom Tupa signed with the New York Jets! New England used that pick to draft Michigan QB Tom Brady!

From 1997 to 2007, giant Coke Bottles were attached to a left field light tower for advertising purposes at Fenway Park!

Boston Globe writer Jerry Nason in 1936 coined the term, ‘Heartbreak Hill’ for that stretch of the Newton Hills of the Boston Marathon!

The Boston Celtics and the Boston Red Sox both won their last championships at home!

Boston Garden’s first sporting event was on November 17, 1928, a boxing card headlined by Boston Native “Honey Boy” Dick Finnegan’s defeat of Andre Routis!

The New England Revolution was the last franchise in Major League Soccer to adopt a new logo!

No one knows what happened to the Isobel Cup!

In December of 1995 five fans were electrocuted when a goalpost removed from Foxboro Stadium by jubilant fans came in contact with power lines!

The George R. White Memorial Stadium would be a great potential site for a women’s soccer league team to play!

For several years, Red Sox slugger David Ortiz had no idea what teammate Dustin Pedroia’s first name was!

The Bruins’ Stanley Cup finals appearances in 1988 and 1990 were both disrupted by power outages!

The late Pro Football Hall of Fame inductee Art Donovan played his college football with the Boston College Eagles!

In 1939, a financial dispute between Ice Follies figure skater Sonje Henie and her managers led Boston Garden General Manager Walter Brown and eight other arena managers to found the Ice Capades!

At Fenway Park, there is a big concourse called The Big Concourse!

The New England Free Jacks are defending three-time Major League Rugby Champions!

Fenway Park’s first night game took place on June 13, 1947, when the Boston Red Sox played under the new lights for the first time!

The Beanpot is neither a bean nor a pot, but rather, it is a college hockey tournament between four Boston-area colleges & universities!

The Boston Braves played at Braves Park, (which is now Nickerson Field) from 1915 until 1952!

Three generations of McNeeley’s (Thomas Senior, Tom, and ‘Hurricane’ Peter) boxed professionally at Boston Garden!

The Massachusetts Institute of Technology athletics mascot is a beaver named Tim, which is MIT backwards!

The TD Garden has never hosted an NBA All Star Game! The last one in Boston was played in 1964!

Fenway Franks are made by Everett-based Kayem Foods Inc.!

Joan Benoit won the Woman’s Division of the Boston Marathon in 1979 and 1983, setting a record that would last for 11 years!

Star Cambridge Rindge and Latin hooper Patrick Ewing shocked Beantowners by signing a letter of intent to play for Georgetown instead of a local school!

Fenway Park is the oldest stadium in Major League Baseball!

04/08/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Probably nothing.

Best friends hold hands all the time. What’s the problem?

You can’t win them every year, UConn. That goes for the men as well as the women.

Red Sox are AIDSier than that lesion on Cora’s face.

This year’s Celtics broad cast was better than the one last year, I guess.

I assure you, there are still white people at Fenway.

Geekie off the schnied. The rest of the Black & Gold? eh.

I think the powers that be have drastically overestimated people’s desire for more Kelce family content.

First they say Bill is too hostile to the media. Now this. Make up your mind, people.

Cakes are coking for Stuart Pankin, Tim Thomerson, Steve Howe, Jim Lampley, Mel Schacher, Adam Woods, Barbara Kingsolver, Kane Hodder, Fred Smerlas, John Schneider, Izzy Stradlin, Julian Lennon, Terry Porter, Lisa Guerrero, Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Alex Gonzalez, Emma Caulfield, Jeremy Guthrie, Taylor Kitsch, Gennady Golovkin, Ezra Koenig, Félix Hernández, Matthew Healy, CeeDee Lamb, and Isaac Hempstead Wright.

Yeah, let’s get NFL-like catch rules for baseball. That’ll go great. ‘You have to make a baseball move after you catch it.’

Courtney Love looks absolutely nothing like Courtney Love.

It was a magnanimous gesture for Geno to offer that insincere apology.

Anthony Lopopolo is JK Rowling character levels of hilarious. Why not just name him ‘Vowels Spaghettini?’

Hey gang of reply guys, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I was disappointed that you were joking, then I clicked the probable spam and was disappointed you were telling the truth.”

Will Flemming should be shot into the sun for promising me smiles.

Lakers fans complaining about Luka and Reaves being injured, try dealing with consecutive first round picks DYING and get back to me.

Maybe Mike Vrabel is just an affectionate greeter?

LMAO at Barkley pretending he pays attention to women’s basketball.

Bodhisattva, would you take me by the hand?

Word of advice, if you have bipolar or another mental illness, don’t jack up your credit cards when in a mania or in a depression…use cash! Interest is a nasty mofo.

Drew Carter is morphing into Chris Forsberg.

Remember, weakness is just pain leaving the body.

The Section 10 podcast has been dropped by more platforms than Katie Nolan.

Don’t worry, guys, I’m sure Mike Reiss will hold Coach Vrabes accountable.

“Portuguese pulled pork” is what Sal calls a handjob.

The Michigan guys look taller because their numbers are so small and set high.

Flavor Flav passing Snoop as our most Reddit-coded rapper.

Dianna’s not perverted; she’s just Italian.

I will remember you
Your silhouette will charge the view
Of distant atmosphere
Call it morning driving through the sound
And even in the valley.

In and around the lake
Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there
One mile over we’ll be there and we’ll see you
Ten true summers we’ll be there and laughing, too
24 before my love you’ll see I’ll be there with you.

I look forward to Chuck Klosterman’s next book where he writes about “How the Challenger Explosion Explains the ABS Era.”

Your insole size is the same as your shoe size.

Sir Paul McCartney doesn’t get enough credit for the “Spies Like Us’ song.

Puka is going to Nazi rehab?

Honk if you remember David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Triston. Not #owning.

Vrabes will now have to interlock fingers with Karen Guregian the next time he sees her. All fix!

Whether it’s a hotel in Chicago on the Artemis II spacecraft, breaking the toilet will make you feel like a numrod.

Blink and you missed it, but Don Orsillo was back in town during the series against the Padres!

Jerry Thornton is really scared he’s going to join his brothers in hell.

CVS not immediately offering the Easter candy at 50% off is a breach of the unwrittens.

A little hand-holding is all Peter King ever really wanted.

Congratulations, Steve Burton.

Cooper Flagg is just unbelievable.

Best bet for the weekend: it coming down to the final hole on the last day at Augusta National.

Deleted. But the foreverality of the interwebs and things like that.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friends Hacksaw and Miserable Fellow, @PatriotsDaily, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Perfect for entertaining, or just snacking.

And happy birthday to actress Kirsten Storms.

02/11/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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After the flyover, the situation deteriorated.

A Super Bowl loss that doesn’t involve Mike Ditka, Buddy Ryan, Fridge Perry, the Foxboro Stadium WATS line, good ole Brett Favre, Desmond Howard, any and all New York Football Giants, or Beta testing legal formation, possession and scoring rules? I’m okay with that.

Lindsey Vonn thinks Will Campbell shouldn’t have been out there if he was less than 100%.

Scal found Cooper Flagg in an abandoned potato field in Aroostook County.

How far along has cloning technology come and if far enough can Dante Scarnecchia donate some DNA?

If Drake Maye and New England’s offense looked like that all season, maybe Sam Monson would have voted him MVP.

It’s the Olympics for Mediviac flight helicopter crews, too. Probably.

Tatum cleared to practice? How exciting!

Bad Bunny is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

Adam Vinatieri getting into Canton is well deserved. There: I said it.

So when pitchers and catchers report, is there a set location at the Spring Training facilities, or does it vary team-to-team?

Curling is just less greasy bocce.

Cakes are cooking for Tina Louise, Lynn Goldsmith, Vangelis Kordompoulis, Jeb Bush, David Uosikkinen, Richard Mastracchio, Becky LeBeau, Carey Lowell, Sheryl Crow, Ken Shamrock, Sarah Palin, Mo Willems, Jennifer Aniston, Damian Lewis, Alex Jones, Jaroslav Špaček, Andy Lally, Brice Beckham, Peter Hayes, Brandy Norwood, Matthew Lawrence, Natasha Bobo, Kelly Rowland, Natalie Dormer, Aubrey O’Day, Mike Richards, Beat Feuz, Laurent Duvernay-Tardif, Rosé, and Khaled.

Czechia is the Czech Republic’s snappy nickname, like calling Tom Caron ‘TC.’

Blue Line Update: Delays of about 30 minutes while personnel address a track problem at Suffolk Downs. Riders can use Rt SL3 bus for alternate service between Airport and South Station.

Never could understand the lack of personal hygiene among the Fourth Estate.

I just watched Ron Harper Jr thoroughly out play Kevin Durant. They might have to ban Brad Stevens, man.

Charlie Puth? what is that, Comanche Indian?

Kraft setting up a war room at Gillette to track antisemitism is hilarious. Meanwhile the team is forced to choke down powdered eggs in the cafeteria.

Hey gang of AP stringers! this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Your new name is Irridium Shafafa.”

Bad Bunny’s Halftime performance? I loved it. it was much better than ‘Cats.’ I’m going to see it again and again.

Jamie Jaquez looks like an extra in Black Sails.

The irony of a guy named Walker winning Super Bowl MVP – because he’s good at running.

Boston College’s decade-long regional Beanpot drought nightmare is finally over.

If you’re a woman who’s never taken a self-defense class, now would be a good time to start.

Mike Reiss Mailbag – “That’s a very thoughtful question BigDogSaladTosser69.”

The Maine Red Claws changing their name to the Maine Celtics is like reverse of all the minor league baseball teams that went from being the ‘Podunk (MLB affiliate name)’, to, say, The ‘Cobalt City Electric Armadillos,’

Hey Peacock, can you get us Olympic feeds without announcers? This curling pair knows less about curling than a stray dog knows about The Kuiper Belt.

I’m nails
I’m a knife
I’m a preacher with a gun
I’m a one man lie
I’m a king
I’m a ruse
I’m born again with no life to lose

Cause it don’t mean all that much, does it?
But we never really had a choice
No, it don’t mean all that much to us
But we never really had a choice
We’re conscience killers
Don’t want no conscience at all.

I asked a normie what they thought about lobster-adjacent AI programs that soon will be frame mogging and jestergooning at greater than moid levels and they had no idea what I was talking about. I thought I would cry.

Green Day gets better with time. Great set.

I hope Drake Maye at least gets the benefit of the bargain that comes with the Kendall Jenner curse. If you know what I mean.

Honk if you remember Toots Shor.

The last Monday game Kansas basketball lost in their own building came on Feb. 5, 2001: 79-77 against Iowa State.

I really should have eaten an early lunch today when I had the chance.

Guyanese sounds like some men’s rights thing.

A: Benny the Ball, Choo-Choo, Brain, Spook, and Fancy-Fancy.

Finally saw Sinners and really liked it. I made a conscious effort to not learn anything about it beforehand. It was nice having no expectations.

Woodward, Bernstein, Farinella.

Tom Brady doesn’t have a dog in the fight for the Super Bowl but he does have a dog in a cloning facility which is objectively way worse.

The Globe is bringing everyone back they sent to Santa Clara? Why?

My suggestion for the Super Bowl halftime next year: Oasis. They’re the biggest band in the world again, and they’re perfect for it. Liam Gallagher would be a bit of a wild card, but oh well.

Any other ex-Celtics that can’t play more than 15 minutes a week available? Asking for a friend.

Mike Tirico went from covering a sporting event, to then covering a sporting event. He didn’t cure polio.

Pspspsps. PSPSPSPS!

Best bet for the weekend: Olympics, or Spring Training batting practice. Pick em.

Cooz bobblehead night at the TD Garden. (Plumber and accountant bobbleheads sold separately.)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Dakota Randall, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I beat the Devil’s tattoo.

I sincerely hope the Puccini, Verdi, and Rossini big head guys will be foot racing each other between halves at Serie A matches in the near-future.

01/28/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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And now you hand the trophy to Jonathan, that’s what you do with it.

Well, at least the NFL Network won’t be airing irrefutable evidence of Bill’s first-ballot career over the next ten days. Wait…

it’s clear there’s a QB controversy in Denver. How can they keep a superstar like Jarrett Stidham on the bench???

When they say that Diggs has had four kids this year, do they mean in the last 28 days?

Was the Pro Football Hall of Fame going to have Dylan Mulvaney announce the 2026 inductees? What a self-own.

Wow. Terry Pegula throwing McDermott directly under the Zubaz-themed bus and driving over multiple times. He says “the coaching staff” wanted Keon Coleman and Brandon Beane was just “being a team player.” Woah.

Vance Joseph looks like he manages a McDowell’s.

Imagine how good Joe Mazulla’s coaching record would be if he knew to call a timeout every time the opposing team goes on a 4-0 run.

Not taking the points with your backup QB and your defense playing great is spitting in the face of the Football Gods!

Ryan Leaf seems to hate a lot of the right people.

Even after a long bus ride back to Boston, Pasta is a good kid and Geekie is a scoring machine.

I don’t feel bad about making dated references to 90’s Seinfeld now that people are quoting The Warriors from 1979.

Cakes are cooking for Bill White, Alan Alda, John M. Fabian, Paul Henderson, Rick Allen, Jeanne Shaheen, Gregg Popovich, Barbi Benton, David Carl Hilmers, William “Billy Bass” Nelson Jr, Dan Higgins, Peter Schilling, Nick Price, Dave Sharp, Sam Phillips, DJ Muggs, Rakim, Sarah McLachlan, Jermaine Dye, Magglio Ordóñez, Tony Delk, Jarrod Montague, Mark Madsen, Rick Ross, Joey Fatone, Takuma Sato, Nick Carter, Elijah Wood, Andre Iguodala, Katie Nolan, and Whitney Peak.

Doesn’t happen often but the Bruins and the Celtics don’t often play on the same night BUT they do tonight.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson.

Speaking of The Warriors, Lou Merloni would have made the perfect Baseball Fury.

Red Line Update: Regular service between JFK/UMass and Ashmont has resumed. Trains continue to experience residual delays of about 20 minutes.

Is there really a Perkins School for the Blind hockey squad?

Happy for the biggest Patriots fan I know, the Big Cat.

Hey gang of Emerald Isle autists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “No one expects the Irish Inquisition!”

I love that fat shaming commercial, reminds me of being at a Minifan live show.

We’re on the brink of the verge of the Beanpot Tournament.

Bill needs to finally accept that medal of freedom to put the universe back in balance.

There’s just not enough college basketball on tv nowadays.

They’re going to ask all the committee voters how they voted and it’s going to total up to 55 ‘yes’ votes for Bill.

‘These people are the same species.‘
‘Looks like a still from The Jenny Jones Show. “Help! My Boyfriend Keeps Eating the Couch!”‘
‘Sexual Dimorphism Has Entered the Chat.‘

‘Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth’ – I had to look up the lyrics for Subdivisions, and I always heard ‘to smooth’ as ‘disprove’. This has been The Sports Junk Drawer’s Mondegreen Minute.

These names are annoyingly close. Mike MacDonald, Mike McCarthy, Mike McDaniel, Josh McDaniels.

Barmore hit Stidhsy like he messed with the thermostat.

Anyone catch the newest episode of “Stugotz & Company LIVE”? Yeah, me neither.

I’m going to let it slide because it’s his first one, but Coach Vrabes has to remember to immediately hand off the Lamar Hunt Trophy to Jonathan like it’s covered in broken glass and AIDS.

‘Belichick doesn’t deserve credit for drafting Christian Gonzalez’ people deserve a special place in Hell.

You think Planet Fitness was ever close to going with Fitness Planet? Or was Planet Fitness always the move?

Hell of a win by Seattle and congratulations to Sam Darnell.

The Little Debbie’s Valentine’s Day heart snack cakes are good, but nowhere near as good as the Christmas Tree snack cakes.

And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh, beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh, and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here.

Are we really acting like Jerod Mayo wouldn’t have this team in the exact same spot? Pats cut bait too soon.

All blizzards are snowstorms, but not all snowstorms are blizzards.

Out of the 7 NFC teams that made the playoffs, only the 49ers wouldn’t have been a Super Bowl rematch for the Patriots.

You let us get Snoopy’d, Rifkin!!

Every time I learn something new about Brazil, I feel that it’s just India with fatter ass-ed women.

News Item: Josh Allen will have significant say on the next coach of the Buffalo Bills. What if he said Sean McDermott?

Imagine getting angry about lobsters.

What is missing during this blizzard is Dan Rather strapped to a tree & the immortal Shelby Scott reporting knee deep in snow and howling wind.

Fist bumping Kraft must feel like dapping up the Cryptkeeper.

“Da’Jury Foreman” is a great defensive tackle name.

Apple watch fitness app needs snow shoveling category.

Honk if you remember 1971 NFL Draft first overall pick Jim Plunkett.

While appreciated, I don’t think Jonas Gray needed to have an official statement citing his departure from the team.

Mike McCarthy has corrupt Mayor physiognomy.

The Supreme Court thinks it’s weird the NFL Hall of Fame voters have lifetime appointments.

UConn may still also be a basketball school.

I would very much like to have seen Mayor Menino take a whack at saying ‘Jaxon Smith-Njigba.’

I think that fat shaming commercial was paid for by the LA Rams kicking unit.

So if Spygate and Deflategate were big problems for Belichick with the Pro Football Hall of Fame voters, will Tom Brady not make it in on the first ballot either?

Best bet for the weekend: more unasked-for trailers for Super Bowl commercials.

Stick tap, Joey Beefs. @joeybeefs

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. We all we got. We all we need.

And happy birthday to actress Ariel Winter.

01/21/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Boutte. Comes up big.

Lotta sports. Good thing I have 3 TVs.

Patriots win Sunday the ‘who people are rooting for in Super Bowl LX’ graphic is going to look like the 1972 presidential electoral map.

One minute your quarterback is spiking the ball backwards at midfield for no reason, the next minute you’re fired.

But I hear McDermott’s interviewing to be the number 2 guy at Al-Qaeda.

Khyiris Tonga joins the NFL “All Island” team along with James Cook, Xavier Rhodes, Howie Long, Matt Cassel, Taiwan Jones, and Jeff Ireland.

Fenway Park is officially the ‘Ranger Zone.’

I have to wonder that if the Patriots had to play Josh Dobbs this weekend if all the Boston mediots would tell Denver hosts how surprisingly good he is.

Being the new fattest guy at Barstool is like being the world’s oldest person.

Sure, Cardi B has sleep paralysis demon physiognomy, but she probably has a lovely singing voice.

When there’s something worth celebrating, Dondero is a breath of fresh air on the postgame show. At least he’s happy.

Cakes are cooking for Jack Nicklaus, Placido Domingo, Chris Britton, Jill Eikenberry, Billy Ocean, Marty Walsh, Mike Krukow, Jeff Koons, Peter Fleming, Bob Brill, Robby Benson, Detlef Schrempf, Hakeen Olajuwan, Charlotte Ross, Cat Power, Shelley Looney, Emma Bunton, Jerry Trainor, David F. Sandberg, and Luke Grimes.

If the Patriots lost Maye on a designed roll out that meant nothing I would drive McDaniels to T.F. Green myself.

Tuesday’s Wordle, yaaaaa…!!!

Here’s the thing: the sports media, they all hate their jobs. Which is why it’s so funny that they resort to “you hate me because I have your dream job” when they get criticized.

The Dedham Grant was known for its rich assortment of prized hardwoods.

The local TV news person can’t have a sports rooting interest? I’m surprised KPD would lump that riff-raff in with real journalism!

Jet fuel can’t melt pass interference.

I’ve yet to find a non-terrible person making ‘the Dodgers are not ruining baseball’ argument.

I’m convinced Sean Payton would call a pass play in victory formation.

Hey gang of opera lovers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is,”Fran Rogers gets tons of pelt.”

Fun fact: the heaters in Hondas are most efficient when set to blow hot medium.

Buffalo didn’t Stand Up for Sean McDermott.

Please remember, they’re not ‘sports betting whores’, they’re ‘clamdicappers’.

Blue Line Update: Delays of about 15 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations

I never understand throwing the jacket on the QB for 10 seconds during a stoppage in play. Doesn’t it make him want to stay under there?

Indiana was recruiting my older brother wayyyy back in the mid 2000s before they were the football program we see before us today. For that reason alone I’ve always hoped they’d find success. What an amazing story.

Harrison Meavis is an all-time terrible name.

I want Maria Taylor to toss me around with her gigantic hands.

Does Sports Illustrated know that Karalis is a real person? Because they don’t hire many of those.

Well, the brother of Carson Palmer thinks Stidham is good so that settles it: game on.

How do you have an entire organization whose mission is to combat Jewish stereotypes and then publicly bitch about paying out 0.1 % of your net worth?

I’m always team whatever TV drug is advertised. Doubly so when it affects my genitals.

Already annoyed with all the Conformity Gate BS that’s gonna come out of this SNL Episode.

You think Dart Adams ever messed around and made a Willie Bennett NBA Live player?

I just realized that candles with 2 wicks are just a scam by Big Candle to make your candles burn more quickly so you need to buy more candles.

What does Mina Kimes got to do to get a head coaching or GM interview?

Girl you’re gettin’ that look in your eyes
And it’s startin’ to worry me
I ain’t ready for no family ties
Nobody’s gonna hurry me

Just keep it friendly girl
’cause I don’t wanna leave
Don’t start clingin’ to me girl
‘Cause I can’t breathe

Baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me
Baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me
’cause I’ll just use you then I’ll set you free
Baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me.

Using ‘The Ville’, for Louisville sounds like ‘Beantown’ or ‘Frisco’ in that nobody from there refers to it as such.

Here’s hoping the new Commanders stadium gets called the ‘RFK Jr.’

There’s never been a poor person named Tad.

I bet Rich Little does a great Frank Caliendo impression.

As an early adopter of AI, let me say this: It is far less advanced and sophisticated than normies perceive. You’re basically talking to the world’s most advanced screwdriver. Practical when you need to drive a screw. But you wouldn’t ask a screwdriver for life advice.

Honk if you remember John McEnroe getting expelled from the Australian Open.

Any college basketball games being fixed today?

Jarrett Stidham’s Arapaho name is ‘Wears Two Wristwatches’.

Think they’ll be some bad blood when the Habs visit the ol’ barn this weekend, Brick?

Nice to win the Jack Easterby Bowl.

Them Bosa brothers are about to apply for ICE TONIGHT.

Kendra is Temu Charlotte Wilder.

When did we start calling curveballs “sweepers”?

Best bet for the weekend: Flawless officiating in both Conference Championship games.

The upcoming Tubi remake of ‘Clue’ looks amazing.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Wild thing, I think I love you. But I wanna know for sure. So come on, hold me tight. I love you.

And happy birthday to Wareham, Massachusetts’ Own Geena Davis.

01/14/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Hunt Hen!

Look, the Bregman deal was for what, five years? But those Fenway Fest memories will last a lifetime. Maybe you all should consider that.

Glad the 49ers won. I had Eagles fatigue. I was Fatigled.

And all these people like Bert Breer are liars. How can you possibly watch a sport without rooting for someone?

Pastrnak ties a franchise record with six assists, moves from 14th to 7th in the league in scoring, and isn’t even the first star of the game.

D’Ernest Gets Released. Is this on BET or Tubi?

My biggest regret is I never got to hear Shukri Wrights or Mensa Matt Wilson pronounce ‘Borregales’.

No Longer a Coach Drip knows it’s cold in Cleveland, right?

I guess this Linus Ullmark thing proves that not all hockey players are gay now.

It’s just poor planning that Jack and Jackie Harbaugh didn’t have enough kids to fill all these coaching vacancies. Phil Rivers would never.

Cakes are cooking for Don Garlits, Clarence Carter, Faye Dunaway, Holland Taylor, Ronald Hunter, Shannon Lucid, Graham Marsh, Marjoe Gortner, Nina Totenberg, T Bone Burnett, Christine Belford, Lawrence Kasdan, Mark Egan, Maureen Dowd, Jim Duggan, Chas Smash, Geoff Tate, Mike Tramp, Patricia Morrison, Steven Soderbergh, Mark Addy, Shepard Smith, Daniel J. Schneider, Kerri Green, Terry Wooden, Zakk Wylde, LL Cool J, Dave Grohl, Jason Bateman, Angela Lindvall, Byron Leftwich, Cory Gibbs, Caleb Followill, Grant Gustin, and Molly Tuttle.

It just now dawned on me that both Los Angeles football teams are named after Dodge vehicles.

Scalabrine looks like a white Klump.

Poor Kendra misses out on up to 4 weeks of tweeting about traveling for performative fandom.

I’ve been told that Season 2 of Landman sucks. I read that criticism, continued watching, then Sam fuckin’ Elliott suddenly appeared. Are you people insane?

That it’s Bregman is immaterial. It’s that they traded Devers to free up more money, lost out on Alonso, and then couldn’t even retain the guy they said they were going to retain. Fuck them. And people think they’re gonna sign Bichette?

Oregon kept calling time out like they’d have enough time for a double score after the Hoosiers went up by 28.

So the guy who can’t figure out the velcro on his wristband hasn’t won a playoff game you say?

Hey gang of quiet heroes, this week’s Phrase that Pays is: “I would say that was one of the one or two hardest decisions… It was very expensive… It’s the worst financial implication since we’ve owned the team. But I’m a fan first… That’s on me.”

With a Patriots win, what does Los Angeles Mayor Bass have to send to Mayor Wu?

I thought I was having an acid flashback hearing ‘Oronde Gadsden’.

Percale over sateen.

Gonna tell my boss that I need a month off while I eagerly follow Mr. Wonderful from Shark Tank’s Oscar campaign for Marty Supreme. “Could be his year!”

Red Line Ashmont branch: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a disabled train at JFK/UMass. Trains may stand by at stations.

The Bruins knew that the Rangers were so bad on home ice this season that they made them wear their home blue jerseys to get a Rangers home ice performance. Chess not checkers.

Terrell Williams’ prostate is the MVP of the 2025 Patriots.

When you get outbid every time it’s obviously a YOU problem.

What they never tell you about the portrait of John Henry smoking his cigar by the fire is the aftermath: he fell asleep because he’s old, the cigar fell out of his mouth, and burned up all his money [which was held in loose bags of cash] and now he can’t afford Devers OR Bregman.

My aunt got me Lee Iacocca’s autobiography when I turned 14.

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman.

I was thinking today felt like Opening Day at Fenway weather but then thought more and said they’d be lucky to have this weather for the home opener.

Jim Harbaugh always looks like something inexplicable happened.

The first day of talking radio man training they tell you not to take a position in front of a vehicle.

Tony Dungy dressed like Rosa Parks waiting for the bus.

Jaylen continually trying to get a highlight off on Wemby wasn’t thuddingly obvious and counterproductive.

Fernando Mendoza says ‘collaborative’ more than Herb Chambers’ Head Felon.

Who the fuck is Wet Leg, and why did “catch these fists” just grab me by the balls?

LA Rams could have the fattest 2 kickers in NFL history.

Kate Hudson, who has come out of nowhere to give an astonishing performance in Song Sung Blue, has been nominated for a SAG award. This means she really has a chance for an Oscar nomination, which would be deserved, as would a win.

Tell her you care each time you speak
Make it her birthday each day of the week
Bring her nice things, sugar and spice things
Roses and lollipops and lollipops and roses.

One day she’ll smile, next day she’ll cry
Minute to minute you’ll never know why
Coax her, pet her, better yet, get her
Roses and lollipops and lollipops and roses.

Why does every lady at every donut shop call me honey? That’s a little too intimate for a routine blueberry muffin purchase.

‘Sarge’ moonlights at Shea Concrete, by chewing rocks into aggregate.

What does rescind mean anyway?

Honk if you remember what denomination McDonald’s gift certificates came in.

Football & Golden Globes = major Twitter day.

The only thing I like more than replays and MVP debates is tush push arguments.

Since when did “New England” mean only Boston? Would be nice to see a lighthouse in Maine or a covered bridge in Vermont.

Alex Karaban has won 2 national titles but had never beaten Seton Hall in Newark before this week.

Does Mike McDaniel have to be interviewed twice to satisfy the Rooney Rule?

True to his word, Paul Finebaum’s going back to the old country – Ireland.

Do NFL teams get credit for extra points if their quarterback slightly looks away from his intended target as he is releasing the ball on a touchdown throw?

Best bet for this weekend: Texans leave the lettermen jackets in Houston.

“Stand up, Miss Jean Louise…Liam Coen’s passing.”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. El Dorado, woo-hoo-hoo!

And happy birthday to British model, singer, and songwriter Karen Elson,
By Paul Hudson from United Kingdom – Karen Elson at Rough Trade, CC BY 2.0,
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