Tag Archives: sports-junk-drawer

05/13/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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I’m not crying, you’re crying.

Patriots first pick Caleb Lomu..6’6” 313 pounds is an AVID golfer..

Just a reminder Bostonians, Mickey Gasper has a moustache, while Chris Gasper has a beard.

First the Peebs, now the Fleet are done with the ‘yoffs too?

I hate the Montréal Canadiens with a burning passion, but sacre merde it must be unbelievable to watch a playoff game in their ol’ barn.

Jarren Duran shouldn’t be on any social media at all. No forms of communication except telegraph.

Actually, you can eject Wemby from a playoff game for that.

Maybe Mike Vrabel will get a year off like Cora did. Steve Roenicke available?

WWE is in its WCW era.

Nothing like the drip drip drip of NFL schedule release week.

Way to heroically win one more playoff game than the Celtics did, Sixers.

Something you may not know: Greg Weissert is a clubhouse glue guy. A close friend of Crochet, Story, Duran and the group of bigger names on the roster. A key cog in the clubhouse culture.

Being serious I can’t wait for the Patriots schedule to drop. Going week by week and figuring out which games I’m attending is awesome.

Mitch Johnson looks like one of the ethnically ambiguous backup dancers from “Hamilton.”

Cakes are cooking for Roch Carrier, Harvey Keitel, Senta Berger, Armistead Maupin, “Blue” Lou Marini, Magic Dick Salwitz, Stevie Wonder, Paul Thompson, David Simon, Dennis Rodman, Chris Washburn, Darius Rucker, Parrish J. Smith, Tom Nalen, Josh Taves, Pusha T, Barry Zito, Mike Bibby, Sunny Leone, Lena Dunham, Robert Pattinson, Tyrann Mathieu, Willson Contreras, and Morgan Wallen.

Bob Ryan spending his golden years replying to everyone on twitter is a cautionary tale for the sports debate industrial complex.

Trevor Bauer just needs to get Josina Anderson in his camp.

Duran deleting his whole Instagram account and not just the offending Holley post signals to everyone that he’s having a mental crash out, and that’s his comfort zone. Can’t criticize me!

I hope the $12.5M cap hit next season for the Grizzlies Brandon Clarke gets removed. Right thing to do.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Everyone whines about nepotism with regard to Noah Eagle. Did he have certain advantages to get his foot in the door? Of course. That’s called life. But once you’re in the door, you need to be good to stay there. And he is excellent.

TwoTimes tried to warn us.

Hey gang of innkeepers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you got time to tweet, you’ve got time to be neat.”

Is Ken the new WALLDICK? I’m missing out on all the zoinks action.

Philly must have contracted the Mazulla Myth, it must spread by human contact.

Bobby Cox didn’t die like five years ago? Huh.

You can call it what you wanna
I call it messin’ with the kid.

You know you’re at a good brewery when the two TV’s are playing women’s soccer and rodeo.

It’s UFC, not EBT.

Musta got lost, musta got lost, musta got lost
Somewhere down the line
Musta got lost, musta got lost
Give away the day you were mine.

That scene in the Netflix documentary where Cora was preparing the other coaches to handle Duran’s feelingzzzz if he didn’t make the all star team was so embarrassing.

Vic Morrow got an autopsy, too.

Jersey Mike’s turkey and provolone is one of the best subs you’ll ever have.

LeBron must be hating all the ‘will he or won’t he retire’ attention.

When Tolle walks off the mound he looks like a local stumbling out of Triple O’s in 1983.

Matt McCarthy also gets his dental work done at Town Fair Tire.

Hilarious to me that Roman Anthony talked up Alex Bregman all offseason as a leader and someone he looked up to, and then the Sox promptly let him go. Mighta been nice to keep a guy like that!

Kara Lawson shoulda been the third contestant on Celebrity Jeopardy! All-Stars with Katie and Mina!

Sad hearing about Ochre from Vengeance of the Nerds. Reminds me of my college days.

Ladies, for your own safety, stop messing with the thermostat!

Best bet for the weekend: tree pollen.

Thass right, sweatie.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I just called, to say, I love you.

And happy birthday to actress and apparently also singer Debby Ryan.

05/06/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Of course.

The show that was terrible on WZLX isn’t better on a worse station? Huh.

I’m just saying it’s awfully suspicious that Spirit Airlines went under right before every other sports fan in Boston was ready to drive Jaylen to the airport.

The Toronto Maple Leafs are lucky like Whitey Bulger when it comes to the Draft lottery.

Sports is supposed to be enjoyable but often sports is not.

Where’s the second longest bar in Worcester?

Ted Johnson wearing glasses makes me laugh every time.

Cakes are cooking for Masanori Murakami, Bob Seger, Jimmie Dale Gilmour, Mary MacGregor, David Leestma, Lynn Whitfield, Tony Blair, Tom Bergeron, Tim Simpson, Kate Collins, Julianne Phillips, George Clooney, Roma Downey, Mark Bryan, Martin Brodeur, Brooke Bennett, Edyta Sliwinska, Jason Witten, Adrianne Palicki, Gabourey Sidibe, Chris Paul, Emily Armstrong, Goran Dragić, Meek Mill, Dominika Cibulková, Jose Altuve, Naomi Scott, and Angel Reese.

I didn’t see the exit interview, did Jaylen say something pseudointellectual and glib?

The divorced whore table at the Knights was particularly aggressive the other night. I was focused on the game.

Hey, at least we don’t have to deal with any more stupid streaming-only Celtics playoff games this year.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I love that for them.”

Red Sox with a modest win streak?

Congratulations Stefon Diggs on your courtroom victory. Also; plan on being bankrupt about 5 minutes after retiring.

Green Line C Branch: May 6-17

Shuttle Buses replace service between Cleveland Circle & Kenmore for maintenance. Shuttles will not service Saint Mary’s Street, Kent Street, or Brandon Hall. Riders at Cleveland Circle can use the D Branch at Reservoir.

Does anyone in the world buy the middle tier of gasoline between unleaded and premium? Who is it for?

John Sterling. In life all good things come to an end, Suzyn. Like his shoehorning a Bambino-esque nickname for every Yankee player. RIP.

I stopped following Amaka Ubaka on Facebook tonight.

Divisive denim trend Szn!

Imagine being forced to scrub the floors while Bart Simpson menacingly informs you that your thetans are out of whack.

Punching Austin Reeves should be mandatory.

CVS needs to cool it with the text messages. I’ll pick up my prescriptions when I damn well please.

Buy gayer grass seed.

The Met Gala? Three Gobbles.

I would have watched Jaylen review tape on Twitch but, you know, I don’t have a gaming chair.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder
How far off I sat and wondered?
Started hummin’ a song from 1962
Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose
Strange how the night moves
With autumn closin’ in…

Honk if you remember when Pinkberry was at the Prudential.

I heard Spurs-Timberwolves Game 2 can only be seen with a View-Master.

A power strip is what everything plugs into. Electricity.

Robert Edward Turner III. He’s why everyone grew up watching the Atlanta Braves on the SuperStation TBS. RIP.

I’m sure Kevin Durant won’t poison the next team he ends up with.

Best bet for the weekend: Cosplay Canadians in Buffalo outplay the genuine Canadiens.

Soon.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Night Moves.

Of course Bianca is sad that the Bruins and Celtics playoffs are over, but she’s smiling her way through it.

04/15/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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They were both in town on business! The NFL Combine! Nothing to see here!

News Item: Dianna Russini resigns. But don’t worry, I’m sure she will land on her knees.

Another 100-point season for the Good Kid?

Media people beat their chests all the time about their importance and their standards, but not so fun actually having to be held to them.

Friends drive two hours to hold hands. Let’s move on.

So were fans telling Jarren Duran to kill himself a few years ago when he was regularly freaking out at them well before the very believable suicide story was even aired?

It’s another victory for Belichick and total disdain for all media.

Getting fired the same month you found out you were elected to the hall of fame as a coach is the most Doc Rivers thing ever.

Dickie V is more cancer than man at this point.

Damar Hamlin’s clone should have put the green jacket on Rory.

Cakes are coking for Marty Wilde, Dave Edmunds, Ted Sizemore, DeDe Lind, Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, Emma Thompson, Kevin Lowe, Thomas F. Wilson, Lynne Austin, Kevin Stevens, Linda Perry, Samantha Fox, Dara Torres, Ed O’Brien, Stacey Williams, Phillippi Sparks, Andy Daly, Vickie Johnson, Sergei Krivokrasov, Chris Stapleton, Patrick Carney, Seth Rogen, Margo Price, Antonio Cromartie, Emma Watson, Maisie Williams, Sexyy Red, and Jordon Chiles.

Vrabel will now have to interlock fingers with Karen Guregian the next time he sees her.

Your nickname including ‘Big’ when you work for Barstool doesn’t seem to be a useful differentiator.

Bruins fandom is just ruined by a bunch of fucking losers who think it’s a damn TV show. They’d rather watch Behind the B than pay attention to the actual fucking game.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We’re in the WNBA free agent blender, folks.”

Imagine being those editors at The Athletic tasked with the investigation? For the first time ever, you actually want to see some cvnty broad from work’s group photos from vacation with her girlfriends.

Imagine how good Garza would be if he had Scheierman’s haircut

Shameless mumbling company man Lou is wildly overestimating the reservoir of goodwill he built up being Nomar’s butler.

Knicks play a very entitled game for a team that has won jack shit. and Towns is 7’2″ 325 lbs and also somehow the softest player in the league.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

Blue Line: Delays of about 15 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

So there’s now an opening at Barstool for a 500 pound fake gambling expert? we know one who needs a gig!

Russini has burn victim lips.

The WNBA super max being $1.4 million is objectively hilarious. I remember when McHale wanted a million dollars and on the top of the Globe Sunday sports page Larry Johnson drew a picture of him as a pig eating a trough full of money.

Whether its to Nairobi or Nineveh or Nashua, the yen to travel exists in all of us.

Forsberg now has a mullet?

It’s really sad, but this whole unseemly affair makes me skeptical of the true motives of the women in thigh-high boots who interview the tall athletes on TV. I think I’m gonna have to call out of work to regroup here.

Jeff Passan’s face is unsettling. He looks like if Cillian Murphy got stung by bees.

Anyone ever heard of Whitey Ford?

There are Jawas who have less bot engagement than Bob Ryan.

Bobby Manning talks like he mainlines Thorazine.

I keep seeing these brutally embarrassing Russini clips and one question comes to mind: did she ever actually report anything?

Bring back the blue Red Sox road alternates.

Buckle up, the playoffs means it’s peak performative szn.

It’s so seamless switching between the Amazon Prime app and the NESN 360 app!

When I’m sitting on the basement toilet, why does my wife always have to come downstairs and “do something” — every single time?

This Vrabel story unfortunately overshadowed the Red Sox’ first series win of the season.

If you didn’t like Justin Bieber’s Coachella set, just say you simply don’t get it. It was an intimate masterpiece that could only work for 1% of musicians (if that). Bravo, Justin Bieber and welcome back Kidrauhl.

I haven’t seen an Italian get cooked like this since Sacco & Vanzetti.

Will Smith thinks Dianna’s husband is too deeply into the cuckold lifestyle.

Cancer is clearly mad at Dick Vitale for all that fundraising.

the omnipresent Rich Hill going to end up in the Red Sox bullpen in late August.

Airports reveal character. And it’s always someone in an Eagles shirt.

And so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out, what’s in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar
And so, I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs, “What’s going on?”

And I say, hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
I said, “Hey, a-what’s going on?”
And I say, hey-ey-ey, hey-ey-ey
I said, “Hey, a-what’s going on?”

Poor Di Russini loses her job while Peter Schrager proudly wears knee pads over his dress pants to orally service any member of the McVay coaching tree.

Honk if you remember Post Offices being open until midnight on Tax Deadline Day.

If my daughter tells me she wants to “work in sports,” I’m trebucheting her to a convent.

BJBSJ getting Kacsmar canceled saved him from going down with the Football Outsiders ship eleven years later! You’re welcome.

Can’t wait to see the team chemistry when Fudd and Bueckers break up.

I always keep my bottle of Frank’s Red Hot next to the DayQuil.

Bruins 7th Player Award-Minten is fine, I guess, but how is it not Aspirot?

I don’t think you can canoodle innocently.

Shams Charania is fucking Cathy Engelbert. Everybody know it and nobody says anything about it.

I aspire to have the job security of Aaron Boone and Alex Cora.

Best bet for the weekend: Marathon prep.

Less than ideal.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, @PatriotsDaily, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Standard deduction.

This is Ashley Nicole Moss, she has a journalism degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude … so what are we talking about?

04/08/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Probably nothing.

Best friends hold hands all the time. What’s the problem?

You can’t win them every year, UConn. That goes for the men as well as the women.

Red Sox are AIDSier than that lesion on Cora’s face.

This year’s Celtics broad cast was better than the one last year, I guess.

I assure you, there are still white people at Fenway.

Geekie off the schnied. The rest of the Black & Gold? eh.

I think the powers that be have drastically overestimated people’s desire for more Kelce family content.

First they say Bill is too hostile to the media. Now this. Make up your mind, people.

Cakes are coking for Stuart Pankin, Tim Thomerson, Steve Howe, Jim Lampley, Mel Schacher, Adam Woods, Barbara Kingsolver, Kane Hodder, Fred Smerlas, John Schneider, Izzy Stradlin, Julian Lennon, Terry Porter, Lisa Guerrero, Robin Wright, Patricia Arquette, Alex Gonzalez, Emma Caulfield, Jeremy Guthrie, Taylor Kitsch, Gennady Golovkin, Ezra Koenig, Félix Hernández, Matthew Healy, CeeDee Lamb, and Isaac Hempstead Wright.

Yeah, let’s get NFL-like catch rules for baseball. That’ll go great. ‘You have to make a baseball move after you catch it.’

Courtney Love looks absolutely nothing like Courtney Love.

It was a magnanimous gesture for Geno to offer that insincere apology.

Anthony Lopopolo is JK Rowling character levels of hilarious. Why not just name him ‘Vowels Spaghettini?’

Hey gang of reply guys, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I was disappointed that you were joking, then I clicked the probable spam and was disappointed you were telling the truth.”

Will Flemming should be shot into the sun for promising me smiles.

Lakers fans complaining about Luka and Reaves being injured, try dealing with consecutive first round picks DYING and get back to me.

Maybe Mike Vrabel is just an affectionate greeter?

LMAO at Barkley pretending he pays attention to women’s basketball.

Bodhisattva, would you take me by the hand?

Word of advice, if you have bipolar or another mental illness, don’t jack up your credit cards when in a mania or in a depression…use cash! Interest is a nasty mofo.

Drew Carter is morphing into Chris Forsberg.

Remember, weakness is just pain leaving the body.

The Section 10 podcast has been dropped by more platforms than Katie Nolan.

Don’t worry, guys, I’m sure Mike Reiss will hold Coach Vrabes accountable.

“Portuguese pulled pork” is what Sal calls a handjob.

The Michigan guys look taller because their numbers are so small and set high.

Flavor Flav passing Snoop as our most Reddit-coded rapper.

Dianna’s not perverted; she’s just Italian.

I will remember you
Your silhouette will charge the view
Of distant atmosphere
Call it morning driving through the sound
And even in the valley.

In and around the lake
Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there
One mile over we’ll be there and we’ll see you
Ten true summers we’ll be there and laughing, too
24 before my love you’ll see I’ll be there with you.

I look forward to Chuck Klosterman’s next book where he writes about “How the Challenger Explosion Explains the ABS Era.”

Your insole size is the same as your shoe size.

Sir Paul McCartney doesn’t get enough credit for the “Spies Like Us’ song.

Puka is going to Nazi rehab?

Honk if you remember David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear.

Triston. Not #owning.

Vrabes will now have to interlock fingers with Karen Guregian the next time he sees her. All fix!

Whether it’s a hotel in Chicago on the Artemis II spacecraft, breaking the toilet will make you feel like a numrod.

Blink and you missed it, but Don Orsillo was back in town during the series against the Padres!

Jerry Thornton is really scared he’s going to join his brothers in hell.

CVS not immediately offering the Easter candy at 50% off is a breach of the unwrittens.

A little hand-holding is all Peter King ever really wanted.

Congratulations, Steve Burton.

Cooper Flagg is just unbelievable.

Best bet for the weekend: it coming down to the final hole on the last day at Augusta National.

Deleted. But the foreverality of the interwebs and things like that.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friends Hacksaw and Miserable Fellow, @PatriotsDaily, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Perfect for entertaining, or just snacking.

And happy birthday to actress Kirsten Storms.

04/01/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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It’s still Spring Training for the NESN Graphics Department.

There’s nothing wrong with our Sox that can’t be fixed by a few games at America’s Most Beloved Ballpark.

Ah. That’s how Tiger’s hitting ’em.

Mut pretending that reaction video was live is hilarious. Have you ever yelled “Trap, Trap!” at a TV screen?

I like NESN’s new score bug.

Duke fans watching the final seconds of that game must have felt a level of horror usually reserved for a manned spaceflight disaster.

If you think about it, every night should be Women In Sports Night.

Can you really get fired from a job when you worked three hours a week?

The creator of Severance definitely got the idea after listening to his wife recap her workday for two hours a night.

Will Italy take part in the Soccer NIT?

Cakes are cooking for Ali MacGraw, Robin Scott, Simon Crow, Billy Currie, Annette O’Toole, Barry Sonnenfeld, Mark White, Scott Stevens, Jumbo Elliott, Mark Jackson, Mike McCoy, Richard Christy, Magdalena Maleeva, David Gilliland, Jon Gosselin, Tangela Smith, Jean-Pierre Dumont, Bijou Phillips, Randy Orton, Hillary Scott, Mackenzie Davis, Brook Lopez, Logan Paul, and Álex Palou.

WTF happened to Lenny Dinardo? Vernon used to think he was dreamy, now he looks like an evil head of security for a nefarious corporation on a TV show.

Is there a media outlet that Andrew Raycroft doesn’t work for?

Colonoscopy went great. No polyps and don’t have to get another one for 10 years.

Just know people are staring at my weird-ass tan line at the gym right now.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He’s without shame or competence.”

Ullmark with five goals against in the first after being mentally “unavailable” in the last game, but Sweeney got robbed getting Letourneau, Kastelic and Korpisalo with salary retained.

Every Grant Hill comment sounds like a generic sound bite in a video game.

Cassidy out, Torts in? Weird.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to an earlier signal problem at State.

Kid pulled up from the Lincoln Memorial. What a friggin’ shot!

Congratulations to Chris Boomer Berman on being named to the Disney Legends. I first met him watching Red Sox Batting Practice back in the late 80’s.

NBC does sports broadcasting the best and it isn’t even close.

Project Hail Mary renewed my faith in movies. And not just because Gosling’s character is Ryland Grace and his ship is Hail Mary. So it’s literally “Hail Mary, full of Grace.”

Why are there people clamoring to hear a Jared Carrabis podcast?

It’s not in the words that you told me, girl
It’s not in the way you say you’re mine
It’s not in the way that you came back to me
It’s not in the way that your love set me free
It’s not in the way you look or the things that you say that you do

Hold the line
Love isn’t always on time, whoa-whoa-whoa
Hold the line
Love isn’t always on time, whoa-whoa-whoa.

Is Perdue basketball legally obligated to have an ogre on their team every year?

UConn hero Braylon Mullins looks like someone who lied about being older than they are just so they could serve their country in World War I.

A: Dental dams.

TreVeyon could spend less time interpreting the Bible and more time watching defensive formations on film. Just sayin’.

Our Lady Peace still got it.

Tiger would have been fine if those stupid truck people hadn’t “slowed down” to “turn into a driveway,” Who does that!?

Honk if you remember The Great Blue Hill Volcano.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

Dual Cams. Nice for engines, less so for Twitter.

Is there a bin of discarded outfits from Dirty Water TV that Lucy changes into for Boston Has Entered the Chat?

Skenes got roughed up on Opening Day? Women weaken legs.

The Rooney Rule is really more of a Rooney Suggestion.

Triston Casas shut down? That never happens.

Best bet for the weekend: a humdinger of a game between Michigan and Arizona.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Aloha, Dan Lifshatz.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. F-f-f-foolin’.

Some days Bianca just wants to feel sparkly.

03/25/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Still time to pick up a thoughtful Opening Day Eve greeting card.

Does NESN really need to have a 40-man roster?

Schools should teach people how to hit a baseball like Shohei Ohtani. And pitch a baseball like Shohei Ohtani.

Imagine being snubbed by “Sarge?”

Losing at cornhole to an armless guy must be humiliating.

A post about former #Patriots running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis popped up on my timeline. It looked familiar because I posted it 6 months ago. Stealing posts and taking credit for other people’s work/research stinks. Be original or give credit. Simple.

James Hagens Watch < Butch Coolidge’s Watch.

If I didn’t want to be recognized I’d probably not dress myself up like a Lewis Carroll-themed episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Musicals in the right creative hands are good movies.

News Item: New food items to be sold at Fenway Park this season. I should hope so: the stuff left over from 2025 must have spoiled by now, or else have freezer burn.

Cakes are coking for Paul Michael Glaser, Bonnie Bedelia, Elton John, Jean Potvin, Robert O’Reilly, Maisie Williams, Mary Gross, John McDermott, Lee Mazzilli, Hugo Burnham, Haywood Nelson, Mark Brooks, Marcia Cross, Alex Solis, Sarah Jessica Parker, Tom Glavine, Cathy Dennis, Dan Wilson, Travis Fryman, Magnus Larssen, Cammi Granato, Sheryl Swoopes, Lark Voorhies, Wladimir Klitschko, Nathanael Bargatze, Joe King, Katharine McPhee, Kyle Lowry,  Alyson Michalka, Mikey Madison, and Sha’Carri Richardson.

There is also some leftover cake in a Herb Chambers dealership breakroom, if you want something not from a vending machine.

Holy fargin’ leg, Vasy!!!!

I love when the Boston Radio Watch guy tells me who was topping the charts 37 years ago. It’s like he’s reading my mind!

Hey gang of allegedly sapphic sisters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “They never considered me.”

The Saturday night “oohs” and “aahs” in Montreal just hit different. @hockeynight

Hey guys, it’s flag football. Settle down.

No Beanpot teams in the NCAA Hockey Tournament this year, that hasn’t happened since 1981.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

I can’t imagine being a born rich white girl and needing so badly to feel oppressed that I pretend to be half-gay.

UConn fans rooting for St. John’s are the worst.

Stoughton MBTA Commuter Rail Passengers: Train 972 (the 7:18 PM train from Stoughton to South Station) will operate via the Fairmount Line making all stops between Fairmount and South Station.

No man’s a jester playing Shakespeare
‘Round your throne room floor.
While the juggler’s act is danced upon
The crown that you once wore.

And sooner or later
Everybody’s kingdom must end.
And I’m so afraid your courtiers
Cannot be called best friends.

Caesar’s had your troubles
Widows had to cry.
While mercenaries in cloisters sing
And the king must die.

Stop the presses! I just saw Michigan’s Aday Mara attempt an (awkward) old- fashioned hook shot! And then Mara amazingly guided in a backward alley-oop finish!

Shaddup, you fake loser account with your idiotic bullshit takes. Beat it, bitch.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s good practice to keep your cream out of the refrigerator during coffee drinking hours; they don’t call it “table cream” for nothin’.

Jim Rice talks like an anthropomorphic cat from a lesser known ‘70s Disney movie.

Honk if you remember Tom Dempsey.

People have strong feelings about the black jelly beans.

The Red Sox, they could surprise you!

“Rooster”, the new Steve Carell show on HBO, is pretty good so far. Has a sitcom vibe to it.

A: miniature rubber ducks.

To be fair I wouldn’t want to do my taxes either if i only got paid with several dozen 1099s because I didn’t have any real jobs.

Is James Hagens’ hockey nickname Hagesy or Haigy?

If Voltaire had been a basketball fan, I’m sure he would have said, “Si Victor Wembanyama n’existait pas, il faudrait l’inventer.”

I don’t hate Rick Pitino. Sorry, comrade.

What do you call a professional cornhole player with no arms and legs in the ocean?
Bob!

Overpay for a Kelce more. You can’t!

Best bet for the weekend: the college basketball women’s favorites covering the spread.

A definite paucity of Fribbles to be found in South Dakota. Unfortunately.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Natural’s not in it.

And happy birthday to IndyCar race winner Danica Patrick.

03/18/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Venezuela needed a W.

Hockey jerseys no contain magic?

I love how Jim Nantz every year has to go from March Madness to The Masters two days later.

The Red Sox players performing well in the WBC is a positive sign for the season to come, right?

Upton Bell’s Father Bert Bell who founded the Philadelphia Eagles wanted Green from the very beginning.

Would totally watch a “Swingers”-style comedy starring Andy Wong, JStew, Sarge, and that other charmless slob.

Alex Caruso would be a beloved Celtic. I really believe that.

I’ve deleted a post incorrectly identifying who was suspended today. It was Johan Rojas of the Philadelphia Phillies who was suspended.

News Item: Bryce Huff announced that he is starting a company called Neighborstone, which will build safety infrastructure to help with fire risk on lithium-ion batteries.

I guess I’ll root for whichever team from a Massachusetts college or university made it into the Tournament.

Cakes are cooking for Carl Gottlieb, Drew Struzan, Brad Dourif, Rick Martel, Irene Cara, Luc Besson, James McMurtry, Bonnie Blair, Jerry Cantrell, Queen Latifah, Adam Levine, Chad Cordero, Lily Collins, and J.T. Realmuto.

Good to have an old-school Twitter night on tap (hopefully). #Oscars

I’m so damn proud of our gold medal winning sled hockey team. I hope someday to learn what their names are.

Åberg? Å no!

Meal prep, bro. Nothing like planning to essentially eat leftovers every day.

Sorry if I missed your tags today. I’m a little laid up w my back.

AI coach already telling me to tone down my weightlifting 10 days out from 20-mile race. This is the robot trying to weaken the man in order to take over the world. Cannot be fooled.

The winner of the WBC should face the winner of the NBA Cup.

Food cleanse includes booze? WTF.

I’m pretty sure there were entire months where the Revs didn’t score 6 total goals. Good job.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s good practice to keep your cream out of the refrigerator during coffee drinking hours; they don’t call it “table cream” for nothin’.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Playing in the NFL is pretty cool, but ya know what’s *really* cool? Preventing lithium battery fires.”

I watched “Fukushima: A Nuclear Nightmare” last night on HBO and I can’t remember the last time a documentary brought me to tears that much.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

The black dog and the wandering boy
Come around every night.
The wandering boy never gets any older
The black dog doesn’t bite.
He just sits on the floor at the corner of the bed
Watching for the things that haunt.
They oughta both go away when I take my meds:
But they don’t.

Hey, somebody lie to me
Hey, somebody lie to me.

There is no greater Lenten sacrifice than choosing a hot buttered lobster roll as your meatless Friday meal.

My lawyer laughed at “dipshit”.

Just so everyone knows: true NCAA tournament “upsets” begin at 4-13. And don’t even think about 9 over 8.

Honk if you remember the Gardner Museum heist.

Do you guys ever think about how epic Anya Taylor-Joy’s peripheral vision must be?

“Dubai Chocolate” is the weirdest psyop I’ve ever encountered.

You can tell I’m a weather enthusiast because I measure rainfall to the hundredth of an inch.

That wasn’t quite the St. Crispin’s Day speech, Aaron.

The clump of confiscated gallon containers of booze is a welcome addition to St. Patrick’s Day Parade B-roll footage.

Welcome Boston Legacy FC.

Maybe should have boiled the corned beef for another hour.

I wonder if any former Patriots player and a current Celtics player were ever guests on the Tonight Show before. Probably not.

Can’t put all your hopes into a Zacha hat trick every game.

Best bet for the weekend: Flag Football, what else?

It’s nice not having to defend Tom anymore when he’s like this.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let’s dance.

And happy birthday to producer/actress/singer/model and Miss America 1984 (resigned, for reasons) Vanessa Williams.

03/04/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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Braiden Ward-Mikey Romero- Kristian Campbell-Mickey Gasper.

Swayman apologized, can we get his daily account back please?

If there’s one consistent through line of fan behavior I’ve observed over the course of attending hundreds of games, it’s that women seem to think the request to remove your caps for the anthem doesn’t apply to them. Very strange.

Bro, sorry if I somehow unfollowed. I would never. I don’t trust this place.

The funniest thing about being a southern transplant in New England is guessing whether something labeled “spicy” on a menu is white people spicy or actually spicy.

Anytime you can bring in a headcase receivah, you gotta do it!

Does anyone else get slightly confused when the Globe Pitchbot pitch isn’t written by Felger and Mazz?

Some important news: New New Scrubs is a 10 out of 10.

Rob Bradford has such a wet voice. When he says Kutter Crawford, I almost feel the spittle on me.

It must be difficult being bisexual when you’re always on vacation.

Cakes are cooking for Adrian Lyne, James Ellroy, Emilio Estefan, Mykelti Williamson, Rick Mast, Patricia Heaton, John Mugabe, Ray Mancini, Steven Weber, Jason Newsted, Khaled Hosseini, Paul W. S. Anderson, Dav Pilkey, Kevin Johnson, Evan Dando, Patsy Kensit, Chaz Bono, Jos Verstappen, Robert Smith, Hawksley Workman, Jason Marsalis, Landon Donovan, Draymond Green, Nick Castellanos, Obi Toppin, and Brooklyn Beckham.

Rewatch both Gold Medal games in full with my 4th of July Playlist playing? Don’t mind if I do.

It’s always a great sign when middle aged broads smile and don’t show their teeth.

Hedy gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m sorry Aerin Frankel – autocorrect is the worst.”

Neil Sedaka’s got some jams. RIP.

I like when people say “Now I wish Canada won.” Oh yeah, rich white guys from Ontario are totally different from rich white guys from Minnesota!

Quarter zip fleece? Not my scene. I prefer the 3/8th zip.

Orange Line: Through March 8. Shuttle buses are replacing service between Back Bay and Forest Hills for signal work. Commuter Rail is fare-free between Forest Hills and South Station.

Imagine telling a chick you’re taking her to “Cream City” and then ending up in Milwaukee.

I know a place where I can go when I’m alone
Into your arms, whoa, into your arms I can go
I know a place that’s safe and warm from the crowd
Into your arms, whoa, into your arms I can go.

And if I should fall
I know, I won’t be alone
Be alone anymore.

I’m with Hurley on this one. Sumo oranges are the best. So I guess those three weeks on the Rich Shertenlieb Show weren’t entirely, fruitless?

Puerto Ricans fucking love ‘the wave.’

Steroid abuse is known to damage ligaments and tendons.

The Patriots literally didn’t think Alec Pierce could be available.

We have a Scaz AND a Stiz!?

Oh, like the Celtics never had a ‘The Naked I Night’, back during Princess Cheyenne’s heyday.

Khusnutdinov. He’s like a mini-Marchand.

Every woman thinks she’s a badass until it’s time to turn on the AC at Christian Barmore’s house.

Honk if you remember Comet Hale-Bopp.

The entertainment industry having awards shows every other week; what do they think they are, sportswriters?

I might pass on canoeing the Saco next year.

Steve Kerr declared POTS is a fake disease again. These hockey broads are having a terrible week.

I just need Hugo to say, “basketball is life.”

Pajamas at the airport? No. I wear an off the rack suit from Kohl’s when I fly. People think I’m an Air Marshal.

Seems like the deficiencies in the Patriots NFLPA report card could be easily fixed by throwing money at the problems. Oh. Right.

Ah, the famously complex flavors of Duval County, Florida.

Alex Guerrero being Brady’s snitch on the Raiders is glorious. There’s only man who can fix this: Jack Easterby.

Best bet for the weekend: World Baseball Classic Fever Grips Hub.

Nothing rhymes with orange.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. God’s Great banana skin. Gonna get ya.

Bianca has us ready to spring forward.

02/11/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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After the flyover, the situation deteriorated.

A Super Bowl loss that doesn’t involve Mike Ditka, Buddy Ryan, Fridge Perry, the Foxboro Stadium WATS line, good ole Brett Favre, Desmond Howard, any and all New York Football Giants, or Beta testing legal formation, possession and scoring rules? I’m okay with that.

Lindsey Vonn thinks Will Campbell shouldn’t have been out there if he was less than 100%.

Scal found Cooper Flagg in an abandoned potato field in Aroostook County.

How far along has cloning technology come and if far enough can Dante Scarnecchia donate some DNA?

If Drake Maye and New England’s offense looked like that all season, maybe Sam Monson would have voted him MVP.

It’s the Olympics for Mediviac flight helicopter crews, too. Probably.

Tatum cleared to practice? How exciting!

Bad Bunny is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

Adam Vinatieri getting into Canton is well deserved. There: I said it.

So when pitchers and catchers report, is there a set location at the Spring Training facilities, or does it vary team-to-team?

Curling is just less greasy bocce.

Cakes are cooking for Tina Louise, Lynn Goldsmith, Vangelis Kordompoulis, Jeb Bush, David Uosikkinen, Richard Mastracchio, Becky LeBeau, Carey Lowell, Sheryl Crow, Ken Shamrock, Sarah Palin, Mo Willems, Jennifer Aniston, Damian Lewis, Alex Jones, Jaroslav Špaček, Andy Lally, Brice Beckham, Peter Hayes, Brandy Norwood, Matthew Lawrence, Natasha Bobo, Kelly Rowland, Natalie Dormer, Aubrey O’Day, Mike Richards, Beat Feuz, Laurent Duvernay-Tardif, Rosé, and Khaled.

Czechia is the Czech Republic’s snappy nickname, like calling Tom Caron ‘TC.’

Blue Line Update: Delays of about 30 minutes while personnel address a track problem at Suffolk Downs. Riders can use Rt SL3 bus for alternate service between Airport and South Station.

Never could understand the lack of personal hygiene among the Fourth Estate.

I just watched Ron Harper Jr thoroughly out play Kevin Durant. They might have to ban Brad Stevens, man.

Charlie Puth? what is that, Comanche Indian?

Kraft setting up a war room at Gillette to track antisemitism is hilarious. Meanwhile the team is forced to choke down powdered eggs in the cafeteria.

Hey gang of AP stringers! this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Your new name is Irridium Shafafa.”

Bad Bunny’s Halftime performance? I loved it. it was much better than ‘Cats.’ I’m going to see it again and again.

Jamie Jaquez looks like an extra in Black Sails.

The irony of a guy named Walker winning Super Bowl MVP – because he’s good at running.

Boston College’s decade-long regional Beanpot drought nightmare is finally over.

If you’re a woman who’s never taken a self-defense class, now would be a good time to start.

Mike Reiss Mailbag – “That’s a very thoughtful question BigDogSaladTosser69.”

The Maine Red Claws changing their name to the Maine Celtics is like reverse of all the minor league baseball teams that went from being the ‘Podunk (MLB affiliate name)’, to, say, The ‘Cobalt City Electric Armadillos,’

Hey Peacock, can you get us Olympic feeds without announcers? This curling pair knows less about curling than a stray dog knows about The Kuiper Belt.

I’m nails
I’m a knife
I’m a preacher with a gun
I’m a one man lie
I’m a king
I’m a ruse
I’m born again with no life to lose

Cause it don’t mean all that much, does it?
But we never really had a choice
No, it don’t mean all that much to us
But we never really had a choice
We’re conscience killers
Don’t want no conscience at all.

I asked a normie what they thought about lobster-adjacent AI programs that soon will be frame mogging and jestergooning at greater than moid levels and they had no idea what I was talking about. I thought I would cry.

Green Day gets better with time. Great set.

I hope Drake Maye at least gets the benefit of the bargain that comes with the Kendall Jenner curse. If you know what I mean.

Honk if you remember Toots Shor.

The last Monday game Kansas basketball lost in their own building came on Feb. 5, 2001: 79-77 against Iowa State.

I really should have eaten an early lunch today when I had the chance.

Guyanese sounds like some men’s rights thing.

A: Benny the Ball, Choo-Choo, Brain, Spook, and Fancy-Fancy.

Finally saw Sinners and really liked it. I made a conscious effort to not learn anything about it beforehand. It was nice having no expectations.

Woodward, Bernstein, Farinella.

Tom Brady doesn’t have a dog in the fight for the Super Bowl but he does have a dog in a cloning facility which is objectively way worse.

The Globe is bringing everyone back they sent to Santa Clara? Why?

My suggestion for the Super Bowl halftime next year: Oasis. They’re the biggest band in the world again, and they’re perfect for it. Liam Gallagher would be a bit of a wild card, but oh well.

Any other ex-Celtics that can’t play more than 15 minutes a week available? Asking for a friend.

Mike Tirico went from covering a sporting event, to then covering a sporting event. He didn’t cure polio.

Pspspsps. PSPSPSPS!

Best bet for the weekend: Olympics, or Spring Training batting practice. Pick em.

Cooz bobblehead night at the TD Garden. (Plumber and accountant bobbleheads sold separately.)

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Dakota Randall, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I beat the Devil’s tattoo.

I sincerely hope the Puccini, Verdi, and Rossini big head guys will be foot racing each other between halves at Serie A matches in the near-future.

02/04/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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This hat does not come with a free bowl of soup.

I hope when BB does get in he sends Jordon to accept for him like Sacheen Littlefeather.

Stadium Series Bag Job.

No one likes a salary dump more than the Boston Red Sox.

The Cool Kids table once more eludes Mister Kraft.

Mike Conley Jr. would fill the ‘defensive guard with a white wife’ spot on the C’s roster.

Gronk really white-knuckles his ad reads with Edelman, doesn’t he?

Vučević brings a lot of Montenegrin delicacies like priganice and palacinke. Culinarily speaking it really opens up the dessert spacing.

After 35 years of eligibility, it’s finally Ken Anderson’s turn!

Cakes are cooking for Gary Conway, John Schuck, John Steel, Florence LaRue, Johnny Gamble, Dan Quayle,Jeannie Wilson, Alice Cooper, Michael Beck, James Dunn, Robert Jan Stips, Patrick Bergin, Jerry Shirley, Lisa Eichhorn, Kitarō, Lawrence Taylor, Denis Savard, Clint Black, Dan Plesac, Kevin Wasserman, Brandy Ledford, Joe Sacco, Gabrielle Anwar, Rob Corddry, Oscar De La Hoya, Natalie Imbruglia, Cam’ron, Gavin DeGraw, Kimberly Wyatt, Carly Patterson, and Charlie Barnett.

I prefer my jerseys the way Bob Kraft likes his handjobs – cheap and from Asia.

Dave Portnoy runs like he tore both groin muscles. WTF.

NBA season doesn’t technically start until Dennis Schroder gets traded.

Lindsay Vonn must have been a hockey player in a past life.

Gosling always gets lumped in with Reynolds because of the first name. But Gosling is 100 times the actor that Reynolds is. Obviously chicks and gay men like him but he can actually act.

No news story involving an au pair has ever ended well.

Blue Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires on the main line. Trains may stand by at stations.

Sean McDonough loves to talk about anything other than what’s going on the ice at that time.

Veronica’s Dad > Steve Burton’s daughter

News Item: Jeffrey Epstein scouted women for New York Giants co-owner Steve Tisch. Turns out the girls couldn’t play football so they then panicked and drafted Evan Neal.

Things that only happen flying out of Providence: Seeing your car in the long-term parking lot from the plane.

Hey gang of middle school sweethearts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I like Ann Michael. Kinda cute and she’s not a psychotic Brazilian.”

Max Shulga has a monk haircut.

I predict that Bad Bunny will be the Star of the Super Bowl. It will be the ICING on The Cake.

Was kinda hoping the Cs would start all the white guys for the inaugural Pioneers Classic. For the Lol’s!

What’s less believable? That Robin Leach killed somebody in front of a bunch of witnesses, or that someone actually enjoyed a Bill Speros column?

Goalie fights are fun, but also gay.

You know it’s healthy when you describe the flavor by color and not an actual flavor.

Just wait until someone reads the news to Ted Johnson!

Mike Conley Jr. looks like he was designed in a lab for the sole purpose of being called ‘Unc’ by other black people.

McKone’s hair on Terri Schiavo-style life support.

How does one go about watching more overtime hockey than most people? Sounds like a Zamboni driver’s lament.

Oh, mother, tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun.

Well, I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train
I’m goin’ back to New Orleans
To wear that ball and chain.

Even for a radio guy, Jon Wallach is shockingly untalented.

Could a senile old man list the rosters of the 1954 and 1955 Fort Wayne Pistons? I think not!

Honk if you remember the original Floramo’s.

Imagine the poor Ukrainian sex-trafficking victim who had to listen to Kraft slur on about his RKK Air Force 1s.

These “in sports” people never fail to see the hypocrisy of them smirking and snarking their way through Black Monday (and mixed Thursday) and then crying about the Washington Post closing down its Sports Page.

Jordon Hudson has been 24 years old longer than Melanie Wilkes was pregnant with Beau in Gone With the Wind.

One confusing thing is that Super Bowl LX is pronounced the same as Super Bowl LIX.

No nights off in the Big East except for most of them.

Best bet for the weekend: Hype, hype, and then, even more hype.

Beanpot fever grips Hub.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Brother John Irons, Joe Giza, Old Friends Directional Brian and Moe’s Tavern and the members of #the15 were used in this column. No more Mister Nice Guy.

Bianca is wearing her road whites too.
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