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11/11/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 11, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Patrice Bergeron. He really could do that hockey.*

At least everyone got to Gronk spike all weekend long, that’s what really matters.

I hope Jaylen’s Oriental harpist plays him something uplifting.

Really enjoying the fanz who demanded Gonzo “get the bag” now calling him spoiled and checked out.

That was just Niko being Niko.

I’m not sure Drake Maye knows there are safeties on the field.

When Embiid retires someday they will have a 20-minute tribute video of nothing but free throws.

Hand up I don’t know what a Blind Item is.

The production quality on Dianna Russini’s new show is a tick better than an Al Qaeda cave video.

The X app is terrible. It’s gotten so difficult to curate my timeline down to strictly tweets featuring phallic weather gauges.

Cakes are cooking for Warner Wolf, Vince Martell, Mutt Lange, Kathy Postlewait, Jim Peterik, Paul Cowsill, Marshall Crenshaw, Ian Craig Marsh, Lee Haney, Peter Parros, Stanley Tucci, Demi Moore, Mic Michaeli, Calista Flockhart, Roberto Hernandez, Bill Musgrave, Lin Elliott, Dave Moore, David DeLuise, Melvin Tuten, Adam Beach, Steve Konowalchuk, Jason Bowen, Leonardo DiCaprio, G. Reid Wiseman, Jason Grilli, Willie Parker, Natalie Glebova, Brittny Gastineau, Lil’ Dave, Matt Garza, Victor Cruz, Christa B. Allen, and Trey Smith.

Hold on. I was just watching “Have I Got News For You” and I just saw Jeffery Toobin is still on CNN? I thought we ousted that guy for snapping his carrot on a Zoom call!

I hate football, but I LOVE arguing about what’s a catch. Anyone else in the same boat?

Somewhere a divorced regional sales manager just bought a quarter-zip and decided to make it everybody’s problem.

Who schedules back surgery during football season? Was it brought on by chronic booster seat usage?

I think I’m going to exclusively greet people by tapping their leg from here on out.

Hey gang of over sharers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Thank you very much. You’re done.”

Looks like the shitty chili and Coors Light didn’t work Sunday, huh?

Did Mahomes lock his twink brother in the basement or sum i haven’t heard from buddy in years.

Is Danny Ainge ever expected to win in Utah or does he just get to pretend he’s rebuilding and collecting assets for the next 10 years?

I would actually rather die than ever find myself a slave of someone else’s college football team’s schedule again.

Lions players showing up in Jack Campbell jerseys. I think somebody is chopping onions in my house rn.

Let’s review: Pete Sheppard is a cocktail waitress, Mikey Adams drives for Uber, Gerry gets an allowance from the guy who fucks his sister. All of a sudden pumping gas and bagging groceries for the radio men doesn’t sound all that bad!

Was there any mention of Russini’s husband or Vrabel’s kid in the big story?

Red Line Update: Braintree Branch service is delayed about 15 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Harvard.

The alpha move is make eye contact.

I truly do not care about re-litigating an 8-year-old sandpaper cheating saga in Australian Cricket. It just seems so boring to go over the details again when three dudes got suspended already and we’ve gone through a whole next era of cricket for both Australia and South Africa.

Do you think AJ Brown’s Patriots career consisting of 3 games and 9 receptions will be a learning experience for the weaponzz faction of Patriots fans? Never mind, I already know that answer.

You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat a hotel breakfast waffle iron.

Somehow the pocket pussies and Jenna Jameson name drop was the least offensive part of Koutouvides’ speech. can’t believe he described Aaron fucking Hernandez molding them like a mouth guard.

Imagine making a vest your signature look.

The voice actor reading the audiobook I’m listening to’s black lady’s voice is indistinguishable from everyone from WEEI’s Ordway impression and now I can’t unhear it.

I can’t stand to see you sad
I can’t bear to hear you cry
If you can’t tell me what you need
All I can do is wonder why.

Someday, someway, aw
Someday, someway, yeah, now
Someday, someway
Maybe I’ll understand you.

This whole time I thought Sharia Law was a WNBA player.

I love that Jaylen models himself as some kind of samurai, stoically going about his craft. In actuality, he plays with the demeanor of a teacher’s aide who just discovered the two retarded kids sucking each other’s dicks in the janitor’s closet.

I’ll look at the offensive tape tomorrow. Can only handle so much pain on one day.

We are happy to report that missing person, Rayjay Strikeswithagun, has been located safe. Thank you for helping by sharing the message!

Russini must fuck like a porn star given she’s not that good looking and has a terrible personality and is Italian.

Hey NBAonNBC, next time could you have a sense of the moment and not immediately grab Tatum for an interview so we could see what would happen with Brown?

We all know they jailed Russell Brand for his political views right? Also, for the raping.

Finding a good tattoo artist in Florida where there’s seemingly one every few blocks shouldn’t be this difficult but alas…here we are.

I’m not dealing with Vrabel’s mustache all month.

People need to realize that the entire reason women’s sports exist as a separate category from men’s sports is because men were afraid that women could be better than them at something.

So worried how Curry and Durant greet each other tonight. Couldn’t sleep all night.

Imagine double-teaming the DUNE: PART 3 popcorn bucket with your best friend Niko Koutouvides and then he constantly brings it up unprompted at public gatherings.

Honk if you remember ‘One on One: Dr. J vs. Larry Bird.’

Xfinity Mobile Arena is one of those too-many-sound-effects venues. It feels like the production guy is afraid of having just basketball sounds. Having Mr. Burns saying “Exxxxcellent” after every basket gets old.

That Texas fumble/forward pass thing is the most obviously fixed play I’ve seen in college football in a few weeks.

PJ row row row your boat aggressively to nowhere .merrily merrily merrily merrily..you’re a bag of hot air.

Is it good when you’re getting regular EKGs in your early 30’s?

Doctor Doom’s team is going to absolutely obliterate the Avengers, X-Men, etc. – this is gonna be like the 2017-18 Golden State Warriors against a High School JV team.

I’m a little worried the Philadelphia Board of Elections is going discover a box in the trunk of a car containing 25 more free throw attempts for the Sixers.

Best bet for the weekend: Headed off to my gym in Norwell for a squatting contest against that Andy Mike guy. Ill talk to you guys later.

*I knew Jaylen’s hairline was getting more and more unrealistic, but this is ridiculous.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Today is actually a good day to thank a veteran for their service.

*And happy birthday to Australian/American actress and model Lisa Gleave, perhaps best known as a Barker’s Beauty on The Price Is Right, and Briefcase Model #3 on Deal or No Deal.*

11/04/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 4, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*An elegant ballpark feature from a more civilized age.*

Congratulations to the Brewers! Well done. I do feel bad for Dick Vitale and the Rays’ other fan.

Jaylen Brown is like a pick-me girl if the targeted audience was black dudes with Asian cartoons as their profile pics.

How poor and strung out do you have to be to have mismatching plasticware?

Sounds like Henderson might have had the “Foxboro Flu” last weekend.

Hey honey, for Halloween I think I’ll go as that famously flamboyantly gay guy who’s known for exercising, you know as a joke.

Thank you, Veronica Burton, for doing your part in preventing Owen Pence from crowing about Angel Reese.

You never see a white guy named Malik.

You just know Andy Reid and Brett Veach have Henry Ruggs III’s mandatory parole date circled on their calendars.

I’ve never seen Ernest Scared Stupid. I’m fixing that right now.

Finding out for the first time in 2026 that Bruce Springsteen is a liberal has shocked me to my core.

Cakes are coking for Delbert McClinton, Marlene Jobert, Jacques Villeneuve the Elder, Chris Difford, Peter Boynton, Jeff Probst, Ralph Macchio, Michel Therrien, Kool Rock-ski, Petra Verkaik, Eric Karros, Carlos Baerga, Matthew McConaughey, Puff Daddy, Russell Copeland, Orlando Pace, Larry Bigbie, Vince Wilfork, Devin Hester, and Dez Bryant.

Miami needs to be ranked #1 so if Notre Dame beats them ESPN can make the argument that they beat one good team.

I thought Achilles was the face of Achilles injuries.

Joe Mazzulla has never understood the phrase “double-edged sword.” “Aren’t all swords double-edged?” he said.

Zolak made an analogy to that Maye sack to “back when on the Mass Poke they had ticket turnstiles, now you just use the Sun Pass”. What?

I don’t think mastering one thing and then moving on to the next thing is a hallmark of ADHD.

Red Sox just traded the owner of the first cycle in WooSox history.

Can the Pope dunk?

Football is just a very retarded sport to try to capture statistically in so many ways. “Nice 1 yard TD run, loser. Your YPC just took a hit.”

The thing I’ll always remember from Patrick Stewart is him saying that, coming from a Shakespearean background, he was the only one on the set of TNG who knew what to with your hands when you have no pockets: Nothing. Genuinely helpful as an autistic and a trans woman both.

Mayfield had a higher rating than Penix? How is 0-3 for 0 not a 0?

A computer took your job Daddy.

Charlie McAvoy got two separate penalties eight seconds apart. That’s hard to do.

Kaylee Hartung; was her dad a G.I.?

I really enjoy Andrew Catalon. That thing on top of his head, less so.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She looks bendy, and willing to try stuff.”

NBA Cup Tonight!!!
Said no one ever
Bob Hearts Abishola Energy.

Felger smelling his own jizz seems on pointe.

A Pete Blackburn mention means more to me than it should and yes I am embarrassed writing that.

Imagine double-teaming the DUNE: PART 3 popcorn bucket with your best friend and then never speaking about it again.

I don’t know if modern day Celtics fans can appreciate how important Delonte was to the mid 2000s teams and putting the team into position to get KG and Ray. His “wiyahh hangaahhh” ad for Fox Sports New England is legendary.

Logan Ryan has a sneaky good white guy sounding voice.

Green Line: Due to signal upgrades, there will be no service between North Station & Babcock St (B), Cleveland Circle (C), Kenmore (D), & Heath St (E) Nov 7 – 15. Use buses to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay & North Station.

Fan Duel with The NFL Logo next to It is disgusting. Bert Bell is rolling in his grave. He went To his grave after he Dropped Dead.

Wow, Mut really pussies out talking about Mike Adams.

I feel like it’s been all downhill for Vivek ever since he got Josh’s endorsement.

That AJ Brown trade is looking better and better each day.

The Mrs. is noticing the grocery bills have been increasing outside of inflation. She’s yet to discover the correlation between the money spent and the convoluted recipes she sends me to make on TikTok. Stay tuned.

News Item: Lights is in a poly relationship with Anthony from Smosh.

Feels like the Patriots could have gotten Jared Wilson a helmet cover that is the same color as the regular helmets.

I don’t recall asking for a Temu Tim Burton Ebeneezer Scrooge movie.

Imagine that annoying sports TV guy if he had the mentions of that annoying sports TV girl. Crazy stuff!

He fell down.

The Gilded Age is peak TV and I’m glad it’s back. One of the only shows I will make time to watch as close to “live” as possible.

At my bedside empty pocket,
A foot without a sock.
Your body gets much closer,
I fumble for the clock
Alarmed, by the seduction
I wish that it would stop.

Tempted by the fruit of another.
Tempted, but the truth is discovered.
What’s been going on,
Now that you have gone.
There’s no other,
Tempted by the fruit of another,
Tempted, but the truth is discovered.

Coach Vrabes looks like crap. The mini bye week with his wife must have been fun.

Flo stays in his bag.

Lexington High’s Sal Frelick: World Series champion. Newton South High’s Veronica Burton: WNBA champion. Two kids from Massachusetts who defied the odds. You can do it, too. Believe in yourself.

Honk if you remember Left Shark.

Missing my ex-boyfriend from two boyfriends ago who thought a force to be reckoned with was “a force to be wrecking with” and said it constantly.

Joe Fagnano pronounces his name, “Fan-Yano”?

I would like to see the language in Jaylen’s contract that allows him to go skydiving. I will wait.

Sources: The Patriots will not be in for real on Jonathan Taylor, but if a team that recently lost their MVP caliber QB makes their RB who used to play for Vrabel available, which is possible, keep your eyes peeled.

I would be more interested in Platinum Glove Awards if the winners had to dye their hair platinum.

Had to open the emergency backup ‘Dots, Tootsie Pops & Tootsie Rolls’ bag for the last bunch of trick or treaters.

I got got. Bam did not dress up as A’ja for Halloween. Damn AI.

L.L. Bean boots are dogshit in snow and ice, but people have been psyoped into thinking they need them.

When does analytics revert to the mean?

For three weeks I thought I had anhedonia. Turns out I was just really bored.

Best bet for the weekend: Coors Light and shitty chili.

*A Bruin is a bear. Some bears are brown. Voila!*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. How long has this been going on?

*And happy birthday to (checks notes) reality TV personality and poker player Trishelle Cannatella.*

10/28/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 28, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Did Tatum’s PR team advise the Celtics to send the game to OT so he could stat pad?*

Who told Jaylen to handle this situation using his left hand?

Tanner Jeannot is a monster.

Oh, so Michael Felger gets to enjoy watching his hometown team compete for a championship in peace, but that courtesy isn’t reciprocated?

The League ought to reel in all the extravagant Celebrations. It borders on the Ridiculous. Everything is a takeoff on Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

Theory: The darker the helmet color, the gayer the mushroom helmet looks.

Glad I’ve been right about Jaylen Brown for a decade. He did a whole semester at Berkley he’s so smart!!! Guy is a fucking moron. He’s probably dumber than the average NBA guy because at least the rest of ’em know they hit the genetic lottery and leave it at that. Kyrie YouTube University Extension School attendee.

There’s no Crying in Baseball or On Planes.

To my neighbors to the north, is the Calgary tower worth checking out, or just a tourist trap?

“Tatum needs to watch his tone to manage the other guy’s emotions better” makes a lot more sense when you think about Karalis’s personal life.

Al Michaels can barely conceal his disdain for Amazon Prime shows.

If the Colts are having a fire sale, Grover Stewart is the player I’m most interested in.

Dan Orlovsky may be a bit of a dullard.

Cakes are cooking for Jane Alexander, Dennis Franz, Annie Potts, Bill Gates, Stephen Morris, Daphne Zuniga, Kevin Dineen, Lauren Holly, Jamie Gertz, Steve Atwater, Julia Roberts, Ben Harper, Brad Paisley, Terrell Davis, Joaquin Phoenix, Gwendoline Christie, Matt Smith, Finn Wittrock, Frank Ocean, Nolan Gould, and Stephen Nedoroscik.

I don’t think the extra loud cheering when Robinson makes a FT is helpful to him. Stop giving him the retard treatment.

Of course Lucy Burdge thinks Jaylen is handling this just fine, he’s acting like a woman.

Does anybody know if Anthony Edwards got hurt?

Howie Carr looked disgusting–nipples protruding–in his blue shirt before the “Thank You For Voting” sign. Very very disrespectful.

Notre Dame. What a life. Play nobody, lose any time you actually play someone good, stay ranked in the top 5.

Go catch your own cod dummy.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that pays is, “I don’t want to be the face of tearing your fuckin Achilles.”

You know in science fiction movies when they put space explorers in suspended animation so they can survive wicked long travel? I needed that trying to go west on the Mass Pike last night.

‘Lamb chops and gravy’ has some real, ‘the owl has lost his goat!’ energy.

Yo Pacers, let’s not play Kesha’s “Die Young” during the Peyton Manning Children’s Hospital Teddy Bear Toss please and thanks.

Green Line: Due to signal modernization work there will be no service between North Station & Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), & Heath St (E) Oct 31 – Nov 1. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay & North Station.

Dustin May looks like someone fucked around with the create a player feature.

Yucky bad man Karalis once accused the Celtics of shitting on Heinsohn’s legacy because they got their asses kicked right after he passed away.

Jaylen vs Jayson reminds me of The Office. You just can’t make edgy comedies like that anymore.

I had a busy day once I eventually woke up Laura.

Was there ever a better opening to a Top 40 song than Martha and the Vandellas’ “Heat Wave?”

THEY get to gloat when a Boston team loses an early season game. YOU are overreacting to a tiny sample size when you enjoy an early season win.

Cam Skattebo is an 80s movie character.

The Celtics Post Game Show is longer than Rocky 1,2,3,4,5,6

News Item: Chrishell Stause announces split from G Flip after 4 years.

Cabbage is such an underappreciated vegetable.

I believe Scal. Also #FireScal.

When I look over my shoulder
What do you think I see?
Some other cat lookin’ over
His shoulder at me
And he’s strange
Sure is strange

You got to pick up every stitch
You got to pick up every stitch, yeah
Beatniks are out to make it rich
Oh no, must be the season of the witch
Must be the season of the witch, yeah
Must be the season of the witch.

I was driving a little too fast down Washington Street in Canton, Massachusetts this morning when a police cruiser pulled out of the cemetery being me… I thought I was cooked.

Like we don’t remember all the Chiefs fans divided into two camps; whether Mahomes would beat Brady’s Super Bowl records in eight seasons, or the conservative faction that thought it might take nine.

Treveyon Henderson couldn’t find a hole if he was having sex with Bonnie Blue.

Lucy pulling the I know more because I’m in sports with this topic is right up there with Brie Pirre telling Asante Samuel she gets paid to talk football, therefore she’s right.

Can’t believe there’s an all new Cupertino this Thursday on CBS and Paramount Plus.

Honk if you remember Bobby Orr scoring the final goal of his career on this day in 1978.

I’m baffled by people who retire and keep shitposting on LinkedIn. Like being a soulless corporate husk wasn’t just an act?

Underrated moment is DanO asking McAfee if he knows what it means and he goes “yeah percentile. It’s Greek.”

Jaylen Brown fans talk about him like he’s Dr. Sebi.

I don’t trust a man who says “we’ll circle back” without looking like he’s ever completed a circle.

They should make more Nick Saban commercials.

Best bet for the weekend: three more games to act as a referendum of the Jaylen/Jayson question.

‘SORRY JT, YOU’LL HAVE TO APOLOGIZE LOUDER, I’M PLAYING MY GIANT GOLD CONCERT HARP.’

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little girl like you. Spooky.

*And happy birthday to American actress/singer/model Lola Tung.*

10/21/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 21, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

I hope the Celtics understand by losing a road game they disappointed a fat human Coinstar.

Are we sure “Dr. Jesse Morse” isn’t just Markwayne Mullin in a lab coat?

Have the judges who picked the finalists been to Logan Airport? “Voice of” should clearly be an unintelligible Dominican accent.

Bob Uecker just cracked a Miller somewhere.

I’m definitely impressed by the guy with “MBA” in his zoom display name.

Great job with the fast healing, but the grace of God needs to bestow ball security upon TreVeyon next.

For the many who seem interested: Progresso, $4.49; Campbell’s, $4.29.

You can’t stop Mikko Rantanen, you can only hope he doesn’t score four goals against you.

You’d be missing throws too if your wife was hobnobbing with hairy Armenians.

Imagine being a Callahan Stan. He looks like Freddy Krueger and sounds like RFK Jr. with AIDS.

Cakes are cooking for Manfred Mann, Elvin Bishop, Judith Sheindlin, Everett McGill, Lee Loughnane, Patti Davis, Charlotte Caffey, Eric Faulkner, George Bell, Ken Watanabe, John Flaherty, Mo Lewis, Andrew Scott, Mélanie Turgeon, Will Estes, Kim Kardashian, Zack Greinke, Glen Powell, and Doja Cat.

I missed the NBA. I did not miss watching Joel Embiid play basketball.

They’re still drinking root beers out in Provo.

Never realized how many French Studies majors have been on Twitter and IG this whole time, kid.

We’re looking down our noses at Attleboro 7s now?

Sacramento Kings guard Ben Simmons is believed to have sustained a torn Achilles tendon at practice Sunday. He can now go back to doing what he loves most; not playing basketball.

I see you, Robert Spillane.

Red Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a signal problem near Davis. Trains may stand by at stations.

Every time I hear Garrett Wilson I think of Garrett Morris.

Can’t imagine holding any high-end Justin Herbert cards. The Chargers are the worst team in the NFL.

I don’t like my visa picture.

Bledsoe, Mahomes and Maye married somebody who loved them before they were famous. Shitheads like Brady marry the supermodel and weep about their divorce in their Instagram stories.

Little powdered donuts are still very elite.

Hey gang of Eurohoopers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I appreciate all the internet doctors trying to diagnose and help, but I’m in the best hands. So everyone can relax now. And I don’t have HIV or AIDS.”

Yaaaaaa Sully … Big Govahment is running the classic pump and dump gas scheme … yaaaaaaaa

Calling a Mexican person Taco on a social media app is definitely one way to convince people you’re not a racist.

I could see ESPN tossing the bag at Greg Olsen.

Jaylen Brown says he bought a gold harp, and now has someone come over twice a week to play it as the sun goes down while his chef cooks dinner.

Seriously, how the hell is there 450 different types of Drew Bledsoe football cards?

Kage Moush?

Zolak gets so bored when the game is decided. Squirrel brain.

Roger McQueen wearing No. 95 for Anaheim is terrific.

Mike Reiss has a snacking problem. There, I said it.

If we’re talking artists from the 2010’s I’m not sure why Flo Rida isn’t seen as above Bieber Rihanna etc.

Lift the weights
Run the miles
Boil the eggs

Obviously the Halloween theme from the original 1978 movie is ICONIC, but i think the synthesizer version from Halloween II (1981) is even spookier and creepier.

I must have been through ’bout a million girls
I love ’em and I leave ’em alone
I didn’t care how much they cried, no, sir
Their tears left me cold as a stone

But then I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell in love
I fooled around and fell (pause) in love
Fooled around and fell in love.

Bledsoe got more tail in the nineties than a bus station toilet seat.

I have no idea what L.L. stands for.

‘Karon Prunty’ sounds like a woman who would send back a steak at an Outback.

Jay-Z pulled a Dick Cheney?

The Knicks actually raised the mid-season tournament banner as well? Leave it to the Knicks to ruin everything.

Coach Drip will be failing upwards to Chargers head coach very soon.

I know he’s won a championship and is one of the best players in the world, but I think this 3pm game on a Tuesday in October is Tatum’s legacy.

Coach Bill Belichick. Owning.

I mean, having listeners is nice, but it’s not the same as winning a Marconi Award.

Doubs needed a guardian cap for his torso and legs.

Honk if you remember Rocky Point Park.

Can Archie Manning send some of his goon squad to clean out the Parisian rioters before the Steelers/Saints game dimanche?

I need somebody way smarter than me to explain why the “exposure” of Dave Portnoy calling UConn-UMass the “cum bowl” is worth it.

Poor Jeff Howe. The guy has Vague Symptoms Syndrome.

I shouldn’t have put off taking the drive to see the Mysterious Hanging Boulder to 2027.

The Philadelphia Eagles try to kill any more of their players?

Best bet for the weekend: An early must-win game for both the Celtics and Knicks at the TD Garden.

“Is that Mikey Adams or Artie Lange?” – “Jon Eater-parel.” – “Gerry looks like the world’s longest living progeria patient.” – “Dennis looks like different parts of ancient corpses sewn together with new clothes from his closet.”

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, Old BSMW Friend Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Relax.

*The colors say Fall, but the open toes say Indian Summer.*

10/14/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 14, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The Patriots red 1980s throwback uniforms are commonly called their “Pat Patriot” unis but the modern Flying Elvis mascot is still called Pat Patriot so technically their current unis are Pat Patriot too. Quite the conundrum.

Baseball truly is America’s game because it’s the only sport where sacrifices are built into the fabric of the game.

Well into October and Drake Maye still has some pretty good t-shirt tan lines going on his arms.

Are we supposed to say that some women at gyms don’t dress like whores?

Bad chirp.

I understand that several members of the 2001 Patriots left Gillette Stadium in tears thinking that Coach Belichick didn’t love them anymore because he didn’t send a video message.

Landman is the perfect name for a player who’s good at putting the ball on the ground.

I love how Ordway pats himself on the back as the reason WEEI was so popular when here’s the thing: all it was, was that there was no competition.

Would it kill her to go by Ann Maye?

I wish Bernie Brewer still slid into a mug of beer.

Cakes are cooking for Ralph Lauren, Billy Harrison, Justin Hayward, Dave Schultz, Katy Manning, Sheila Young Ochowicz, Marcia Barrett, Greg Evigan, Beth Daniel, Thomas Dolby, Isaac Mizrahi, Keith Byars, Lori Petty, Joe Girardi, Karyn White, Steve Coogan, Sylvain Lefebvre, Jim Jackson, Erika de Lone, Javon Walker, Usher, Jay Pharoah, and Jared Goff.

And there’s leftover cake in the break room from Bianca de la Garza’s birthday yesterday.

Brand new Garden floor this season. But tradition is important to the Celtics, so they’ve once again kept the bolts — even though they aren’t functional. (The boards fit together in sort of a tongue-and-groove manner.) The floor coating fills in the bolt gap, so it’s all smooth.

I think Greenwell tried to associate balding with wearing baseball hats.

Paul George is like a cat. He will jump in your lap every once in a while. He’s super lovable. Other times, you’re like, ‘Where’s Paul George?’ ‘Oh, he’s in the garage.’

Kelly Clarkson has put us all in danger.

Orange Line: Delays of about 20 minutes while personnel address a signal problem at Forest Hills. Trains may stand by at stations.

Ziegler, you’ve done it again!

Boystown is a throwback kind of place. I haven’t seen gaggles of gays in basic bars for a while.

Somebody cue up “Oklahoma! Where the wind comes right behind the rain.”

Source: UTEP over UTSA in a Secret Scrimmage.

RJ Mitte. Even Kendra mentioning the suicide hotline couldn’t stop him. Sad. RIP.

Honestly this Heat court, in the context of the rainbow going on everywhere else, is more Heat Culture than the literal “Heat Culture” court.

I was today years old when I learned what a scrimmage touchdown meant.

Pritch is back! Under contract for a two year extension!

George Lucas is upset that he didn’t think of Kindle Vildor as a Star Wars character name.

I’m not watching these Derrick White Pizza Shark commercials all season.

How many ‘K’s are there in Korn Ferry again?

Finally getting around to Ted Lasso’s newest season, and I can’t disagree more with the haters. It’s fine. It’s fun. It’s not meant to be an epic work of art. I will simply enjoy it.

Knock-knock! Who’s there? Richie Incognito! Richie Incognito who? EXACTLY.

The only person who cared more about a breakfast than Walt Jr. is Dan Shaughnessy.

Abby Chin did what Scal could never do… Disguise them titties in a flattering way.

Zolak didn’t have to make a Mazz apology? Weak.

Imagine being in eighth grade and your dad posts your school picture on Twitter for millions to see. And putting your kid’s picture on Twitter should be an automatic CPS visit.

I’m addicted to Bruins hockey and never sleeping more than 4 hours a night.

Love hurts, love scars

Love wounds and mars

Any heart

Not tough or strong enough

To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain

Love is like a cloud

Holds a lot of rain

Love hurts

Ooh, ooh love hurts.

Bill Simmons thinks robbing graves in the cemetery is called “cradle robbing”?

Honk if you remember Quiznos.

As the million dollar man ted dibasie said they don’t ask how they won..it’s who won.

Salmon Capistrano!

Good to see Dr. Pappas and the crack Red Sox medical staff didn’t see Garrett Whitlock had a broken leg.

Never listen to football takes from a guy who wears more mascara than Tyra Banks.

Luckily for the GSW fans Al Horford will be able to fill in a few times a month for the ailing Kristaps Porzingis.

Natural athletes heal faster than gritty ones.

Tucker Carlson thinks Glenn Ordway has a small pool of podcast guests.

Best bet for the weekend. Contented coachmen in the aftermath of The Head of the Charles Regatta.

*Disgusting. The Patriots’ own website is counting how many beers Zolak is drinking during his segment with Vrabel.*

*And happy birthday to Czech supermodel Daniela Pestova.*

Football Cat’s Week 5 NFL Picks 2026

Posted on October 8, 2026 by naop Leave a comment

From the home office in Shedd Park…

Drake Maye’s Top 5 Conspiracy Theories:
5. Fumbles aren’t real
4. Chemtrails are creating atmospheric disturbances which are increasing the number of interceptions
3. Prolonged exposure to the electromagnetic field emanating from Robert Kraft’s surveillance bunker is weakening the soft tissue of the players
2. The real Bill Belichick is being held captive in the lighthouse while his clone is out damaging his legacy
1. Fluoridation caused Mike Vrabel to have a six year affair with Dianna Russini

I do not avoid women, Drake, but I do deny them my essence

Sunday Breakfast Time
Eagles at Jaguars (-4.5)
Spotted cats enjoy a win over a spot of tea

Sunday Lunch Time
Bengals (-7.5) at Dolphins
Stripey cats feast on fish

Vikings (-1.5) at Saints
Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints? Dey be the Vikings.

Raiders at Patriots (-3.5)
Birds may not be real, but Drake Maye IS!

Browns at Jets (-2.5)
Brown out shuts down New York

Texans (-6.5) at Titans
Texans top Tits

Colts at Steelers (-2.5)
Yinzy over Indy

Giants at Commanders (-3)
Greek Giant skins Washington

Sunday Dinner Time
Broncos (-3.5) at Chargers
Bolts shock Broncos

Lions (-5.5) at Cardinals
Jungle Kings devour pretty red birds

Bears (-2.5) at Packers
Meatmen grind out a win

49ers at Seahawks (-3)
Fake Seabirds soar as Purrdy slumps in the perpetual rain of Seattle

Wet gray cat sitting beneath a sidewalk awning on a rainy city street — Yet another miserable rainy day in Seattle

Sunday Prowl Time
Ravens (-3.5) at Falcons
Penix slaps the Scary Black Birds

Monday Prowl Time
Bills at Rams (-2.5)
Horny Sheep clip Hairy Cows

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

10/07/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 7, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Me crying at my TV screen saying, “you’re still him, Drake. You’re still HIM!“

Wow. 75 years now since Bobby Thomson’s home run. And how about Dave Winfield being born that very day?

Sources close to Lane Johnson said he’s retiring to spend time around “fewer Italians.”

Wow, CBS fired Romo. He should go to Barstool and paint his face with Mut.

Celtics tickets for this coming season are flying off the proverbial shelf as usual.

I love that the Brewers’ pitching coach is named Chris Hook.

Usually I prefer nacho cheese Doritos but sometimes cool ranch hits the spot.

The Red Sox might as well be the pallbearers at my funeral…until my last breath they will let me down.

I hate Ross Tucker’s big, dumb voice. He has a ‘fat kid in middle school’ voice.

Cakes are cooking for Kevin Godley, John Mellencamp, Ricky Phillips, Tico Torres, Yo-Yo Ma, Brian Sutter, Jayne Torvill, Judy Landers, Simon Cowell, Toni Braxton, Thom Yorke, Malia Hosaka, Johnnie Morton, Priest Holmes, Allison Munn, Shannon MacMillan, Charles Woodson, Taylor Hicks, Nathaniel Rateliff, Aaron Ashmore, Shawn Ashmore, Jake McLaughlin, Evan Longoria, Lee Nguyen, Mookie Betts, and Lewis Capaldi.

Putting on my best Carhartt polo to support my rape-victim friend.

That Patriots-Bills game was totally wild. It’s Ryan Murphy show level with bizarre occurrences.

My X account has been blocked by Dan Bongino and Martina Navratilova…

This weekend has all the potential for AC and heat in the same 24 hours. Mark my words.

Red Line Update: The delay has cleared.

Hey gang with their steamer trunks covered in destination stickers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “For a guy that’s been on eight teams in four years? I mean, I guess he knows the drill.”

You ever have a morning where you’re so tired that you pour your granola into your coffee?

I’m all set with the Teddy Swims White Claw commercials.

RIP Sam McDowell. I love Pat Jordan’s immortal line, sayin’ that McDowell’s pre-game warm-up sounded like “a small thunderstorm in the bullpen.”

Yankee fans must lead the league in backwards hat wearing.

I love how the NFL stadiums have the security stand on the sidelines facing the crowd, having no clue that people are about to fly into you and shred your knee.

Every time I see Chase Meidroth, I read it as ‘Cla Meredith.’

Tyquan Thornton…… oh man.

Look, there’s a lot of shit content out there. Hard to rise above the rest enough to get me to double take, but this vampire sitcom on CBS has done it.

Lots of bodegas in Weymouth, presumably.

Dondero is really the ultimate evolution of Felgerism. Just the extreme fluctuations of takes without any regard for what he said last week or even yesterday.

Or put another way, success is going from wild ass take to wild ass take without losing enthusiasm.

Hey buddy go bang a harlot and bother someone else or I will make sure X puts you in a corner.

Roger Goodell’s earned a lot of criticism, but keeping ads off game uniforms is one of the few things for which he deserves massive kudos.

What makes you sad, what makes you blue?
I’m all in rags with nothing to lose
We could traverse and find a way through
Land in the grass and start acting like fools.

You’re a prisoner by day
Is that what you choose?
Stand in the water, baby
It’ll get you through tonight.

I would contribute to a GoFundMe for New Hampshire to get its own network TV affiliates so we wouldn’t have to watch election commercials for candidates we can’t vote for/against.

Sam Yarnell needs to boost his follower count, playboi.

Colson Yankoff, a TE and former 4-star high school QB, is now the emergency QB for Washington.

Honk if you remember Grossman’s.

Seeing Jaylen as a Sixer has pee pee river man Greenie losing control of all his bodily functions.

Hardy has burn-victim mouth.

One time on vacation I went to some butterfly reserve on the Dutch part of Saint Maarten. Asked them if they liked the band Crazy Town. They had no idea what I was talking about.

Get well soon, Marchy.

Romeo Doubs’ one-handed TD catch really got Farrah Fawcetted!

Do you think if more people in the Red Sox front office had played Horizon Zero Dawn they would have left Sonny Gray stay in and finish the inning?

Every loser crying about McDaniels was the same sack of shit up in the 300s back in the day that would cry when he’d run a draw on passing downs.

Best bet for the weekend: putting up the storm windows & taking in the potted plants and Christopher Columbus statues.

*We’ll leave a saucer of milk out for you.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, Joe Posnanski, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. My heart was breaking, hands are shaking
Bugs are crawling all over me.

09/30/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 30, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

When Austin Wells drove in George Lombard, I said to myself, ‘Self; the Red Sox aren’t going to lose this game 1-0.’ And I was right!

Drake Maye has the grip strength of Stephen Hawking.

All lists are inherently awful.

Here’s hoping the Patriots follow the Bruins lead and beat the team from New York Sunday.

Pedro doesn’t age. The new Bobby Orr.

‘Angry Bill’ died? Like, recently, not ten years ago? RIP.

Why didn’t the umpire tell Verlander’s daughter to get the hell off the field?

I miss AJ’s gravity. That shit was real, bro.

Cakes are cooking for Angie Dickinson, Johnny Mathis, Marilyn McCoo, Victoria Tennant, Catie Ball, John Lombardo, Barry Williams, Fran Drescher, Marty Stuart, Crystal Bernard, Eric Stoltz, Trey Anastasio, Kathleen Madigan, Tony Hale, Jenna Elfman, Carlos Guillén, Marion Cotillard, Candice Michelle, Martina Hingis, Dominique Moceanu, Kieran Culkin, Lacey Chabert, T-Pain, Mary Paoletti Brown, Max Verstappen, and Maddie Ziegler.

Pro tip: Don’t post an old picture of yourself posing with a ‘Saved By the Bell’ actor. It doesn’t end well.

Roman Anthony is made of precious antique Murano glass.

Crockpot bags are the greatest invention.

Peyton Tolle is on the right side of being a weirdo, Triston Casas is on the wrong side.

Like boxing, styles make WNBA playoff series.

Love how they air the Protect College Sports Act ads like we get a chance to vote on it.

The Good Kid will make a great captain.

Green Line: Due to signal modernization work there is no service between North Station & Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), & Heath St (E) through October 4. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay & North Station.

Bobby Manning always sounds like he just huffed a canister of computer duster.

That Madden trailer looks like a parody.

I’ve got Laura Rutledge bot looking accounts following me now on Instagram.

Fine, I’ll say it. The Brazilian national anthem stinks.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Sex is great, but have you ever worn a sweatshirt?”

News Item: Bruins concession souvenirs this year include ice cream in goalie masks and draft beer in a hockey glove mug.

Zolak should check his tone. The only QB with worse ball security than Maye is his kid.

John Schreiber being on the Yankees playoff roster against the Red Sox isn’t something you can ever truly prepare for.

Hasselbeck doesn’t look so good. Hope he’s well.

Watched FLEABAG on Prime. Six 1/2 hour eps. Funny, raunchy, something very different. I dug it.

How is there no video of the Section 10 block party after the grand slam?

Andy Reid shouldn’t be in a commercial where they say ‘We’re a family again.’

John Mulaney is just Bowen Yang for bros. One note.

The thing that drives me nuts with Drake Maye is all these cvnts second guessed every decision made by Belichick, they lost their mind over every bad play out of Brady, Gronk, Gilmore or any other star. But Maye can suck for weeks on end and we’re doing fucking Zapruder film shit to prove it definitely wasn’t Drake’s fault!!

And while we’re at it, yeah, I’m this miserable in real life, Dan. I work for a fucking living and spend my off day walking the dog in the downpour, cleaning my basement, watching an abortion of a football game, and cooking a delicious goddamn dinner. I don’t post 9 photo grids online for a couple cents from Elon while mooching off my wife’s salary and acting like I’m better than everyone else for it.

Well, you’re windy and wild
You got the blues in your shoes and your stockings

You’re windy and wild, oh, yeah
Well, you’re built like a car
You got a hub cap diamond star halo
You’re dirty, sweet, and you’re my girl

Get it on, bang a gong, get it on
Get it on, bang a gong, get it on (ooh, yeah)

Once worked with a person who withdrew from their 401k with penalty to buy gold to bury in their backyard.

I just hope the open of tonight’s Red Sox Yankees game focuses on the ‘Curse of the Bambino.’

Nicholas Batum just concluded an 18-year NBA career without ever attracting much attention. But 18 years means someone always wanted you around. Au revoir, Monseiur.

Drake made it sound like the football was disgorged from an elevator at The Overlook Hotel.

Northampton is just one of many cities/towns in Western MA. They don’t rep 413.

There are more people alive today that have seen first-run episodes of The Ernie Kovacs Show than have watched Fleabag.

Kristaps Porzingis is out indefinitely to open training camp with a health issue, per Warriors. Another immediate blow to GSW’s depth.

Get up, walk the dog, turn the computer on and all of a sudden it’s dinner time.

Is UMass a wagon??

The Sullivans want to know why a nor’easter couldn’t have necessitated the cancelation of The Jackson’s Victory Tour in its entirety.

Celtics haven’t had a captain since Rondo in 2014.

As God as my witness, when it was reported 946 could add a member, I was going to post it should be Jaida Parker. I never got around to it. Either way, she fits perfectly. Raw’s hitting its stride, focusing on younger/fresher talent!

Honk if you remember ‘Good Morning, Miss Bliss’.

I feel like Dak Prescott always looks awesome, until he doesn’t. A perfect Tony Romo replacement.

You don’t hit your macros by taking care of a screaming kid.

It takes me a good three games of playoff baseball to get a read on each network’s scorebug.

“Human services coordinator” sounds like what a hooker would put on a LinkedIn page.

Has Coach Vrabes considered renting out a movie theater and showing the team The Program?

It makes me smile that Lucky gets his own Media Day photos.

Best bet for the weekend: buses traveling to Buffalo.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Well it’s plain to see you were meant for me. And I’m your toy, your 20th century boy.

*And Happy Birthday to sturdy Italian model & Actress Monica Bellucci.*

09/23/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 23, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Were people expecting a Zolak to be good at quarterbacking?

In early May, the idea that the Red Sox would need to buy champagne and beer to celebrate making the playoffs seemed preposterous. Let them have their moment.

Ironically, Caleb Williams has to not play this weekend to look like less of a pussy.

Nothing more basic than a “my sport is tougher” pissing match.

The Patriots not only didn’t lose, they actually won!

Baseball savants: Today is the 118th anniversary of Fred Merkle’s alleged “boner.” The rest of you don’t give a shit.

Tommy DeVito was excited in the locker room. Why? He got Aaron Rodgers’ jersey.

Saw an alligator on my way to Starbucks. Owning.

Subaru Sue O’Connell has more sick relatives than Manny Ramirez.

Cakes are cooking for Julio Iglesias, Steve Boone, Neal Smith, Bruce Springsteen, Maren Jensen, Larry Mize, Marvin Lewis, Jason Alexander, John Harbaugh, Mark Woodforde, Pete Harnisch, Jeff Cirillo, Tapio Laukkanen, Ani DiFranco, Karl Pilkington, Anthony Mackie, Keri Lynn Pratt, Anneliese van der Pol, Matt Kemp, Joba Chamberlain, Brandon Jennings, and Maleah Joi Moon.

Tortilla chips can be the oyster crackers of chili if you do it right.

He was too old by that point, but I’ve always thought Paul Newman would’ve been perfect for the Frank Costello role in The Departed. Not a huge fan of Nicholson’s performance.

My dog, Clavicular, is sure enjoying the cooler temps outside today.

Michael Lombardi started a Substack. Football Done Right is where my NFL writing lives now: the Tuesday review, the Friday Lombardi Look Ahead, QB and power ratings, and deep dives like this one on why Dan Campbell has never fixed the Lions defense. Free and paid tiers.

Brit soccer fans would have had a multi-stanza “Rodgers Can’t Fuck” chant good to go, Pats fans. Just sayin’.

These last 6 Red Sox games feel like NFL Preseason Game #3.

Green Line: Due to signal modernization work there will be no service between North Station & Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), & Heath St (E) Sep 26 – Oct 4. Use buses for service to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay & North Station.

How you all feel watching Tolle on the hill is exactly how I feel watching The Butchie.

Can we be honest here? Sydney Sweeney was not chosen for the ad as a “representation of women in sport,” she was chosen for the ad because they’re trying to sell a gambling app to 18-24 year old males who masturbate frequently.

Japan is an amazing place.

Hey gang of tough love givers, ‘this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “stop calling girls hon. It’s disgusting.”

If I’m the Patriots I bring back Joe Milton III to put pressure on Drake Maye’s job. Drake is quickly becoming the athletic version of Mac Jones.

Let’s all agree to stop acknowledging Guyliner from Braintree.

Why did Nantz making it sound like it’s a big deal that a defensive lineman never had a TD in college?

In the wee, wee hours
Your mind gets hazy
Radio relay towers
Gon’ lead me to my baby.
The radio’s jammed up
With talk show stations
It’s just talk, talk, talk, talk
‘Til you lose your patience.

Mister state trooper
Please don’t stop me.

Colorado native Tim Miller had to wear an ole Miss shirt today because his beloved LSU lost. what a scamp!

Another solid game from Will Campbell.

Sometimes my mustache bothers me, but I can’t shave it cause then I’d look Amish.

Rachel Dratch, you still got it, kid.

License to Ill was revolutionary Mort. It was the REAL 1st rap album to cross over into suburbia and was the genesis for rap becoming mainstream.

Tape measures in America have centimeters.

You just can not take New York City seriously as long as it continues to air JEOPARDY! before “Wheel Of Fortune”.

Angel Reese is genuinely Tim Duncan.

New investigation for UNC: Does Bill Belichick steal Kristi Noem’s husband’s fetish? If UNC worms its way out of that contract, he could always do Walking Bets.

The Red Sox no longer have an interim manager but they still have an interim Citgo sign.

Tom is going to have a toothpick in his mouth and a pack of smokes rolled up in his sleeve when he calls the game next week. Edgy!

Loop Loc has a variety of color ways and styles that accentuate your pool area in style and safety.

Honk if you remember when Cheryl Ladd replaced Farrah Fawcett on Charlie’s Angels.

That guy over there, he looks like the woodchuck Joey Gladstone used to fist on Full House.

I see Todd Helton got a zesty statue.

Dan Campbell is an idiot’s idea of a great coach, style over substance.

Tell that one Freiermuth story again.

“Someone else’s business” is certainly one way to describe being a homewrecker.

The Entitled Town Podcast is my only source for WNBA playoff predictions except for the rest of the internet.

Best bet for the weekend: raingear.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, David Burge, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Glory Days.

*Bianca doesn’t want summer to end, either.*

09/16/26 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 16, 2026 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

A lot of you are gonna crawl back into the woodwork when Drake bounces back. Bookmarks and screenshots last forever, though.

I learned from the sideline reporter last Friday night that BC is 4 miles away from Brigham Young Hospital.

Sue O’Connell is like Keith Olbermann if he were a man.

Don’t ask me why Ben Shelton has never won a Grand Slam tournament. How are seven guys in the world better than this guy?

Okay so apparently Chris Smith is the coolest reporter in Boston so that’s good to know.

Melbin?

Here’s the thing: starting a podcast, is the new, ‘pivot, to video!’

Butch from the Cape would be very disappointed.

I can’t belive Bob would genocide Mackerelmore like that.

Cakes are cooking for Joe Butler, Bernie Calvert, Dennis Conner, Kenney Jones, Ron Blair, Rosemary Casals, Ed Begley Jr, Susan Ruttan, David Bellamy, Henry Louis Gates Jr., Loyd Grossman, Mickey Rourke, Lenny Clarke, Robin Yount, David Copperfield, Jennifer Tilly, Orel Hershiser, Tim Raines, Mickey Tettleton, Bilinda Butcher, Mark Parent, Richard Marx, Bernie Parmalee, Marc Anthony, Chester McGlockton, Amy Pohler, Shawntel Smith, Dan Dickau, Fan Bingbing, Madeline Zima, Nick Jonas, Bryson DeChambeau, Metro Boomin, and Aaron Gordon.

Coach Vrabes, your behavior disappointed Katie Nolan.

Have an image in my head of Jeff Howe being pissed off that the Angel of Death has once again passed by him to flirt with another member of his social circle.

Edge of Tomorrow with Tom Cruise is an EXTREMELY underrated movie.

That Clay Matthews chin pic is more believable than Glenn’s.

Spero Dedes and Adam Archuleta will be on the week 3 CBS call for Patriots-Jaguars the network announced. A team one week to E team the next.

Need Pablo Torre to do an episode on Kendra’s income streams.

A football pre-game show with Pat McAfee AND Jason Kelce?!!!! Is it Christmas already??

Hey gang of karma chameleons, this week’s Phrase that pays is, “Trans Sisters. We are getting scolded by LITERAL BOY GEORGE for being trainwreck Jew haters. Gay dad is disappointed in us. We’ve gotta get our shit together.”

Wait, the placekicker for Green Bay is named ‘Trey Smack?’

Was hoping to hear Mike Conley say he’s wearing #45 with the Celtics because he was a huge Andrew DeClercq fan.

If my ND shirt doesn’t come in soon Babz is gonna hear about it.

Lots of celebrities talk a big game. Few back it up with actions like Mr. Steve Buscemi.

The Red Sox have mastered the art of the Matrix slide.

This is no social crisis
This is you havin’ fun
No crisis
Gettin’ burned by the sun
This is true-

This is no social crisis,

Just another tricky day for you.

Krafty Bob fucked Ed Shreehan like the hand of a 60-year old Vietnamese masseuse.

Just saw The Odyssey and had an out of body experience when Sean Avery popped up lmao

Boy, did Green Bay take a massive shit in their pants.

Taylor Swift doing a song/soundtrack for the next Tom Cruise movie? Co-starting in it? No way that’s random. For the record – I’m in favor of any of that.

Bert Bell invented “the Streisand Effect.”

Green Line C Branch Update: The delay has cleared.

Of course Mutnansky is Team Will Flemming.

Hot take: Rutgers might not be very good this year.

I’m hearing that the lingering effects of long Covid means that Ted Sarandis is unable to be a guest on Big O’s podcast for the foreseeable future. Heartbreaking.

Fake ASL interpreter is my absolute dream job.

Honk if you remember where to get a score card at Pine Oaks Golf Course.

Surely the fans who complain about the Patriots OC every year regardless of who it is are right this time.

Great news everybody, Curtis Mead is “definitely touching a bat”.

Now is the spy bunker actually in Gillette Stadium proper, or, like, in the closed Game Stop location in Jonathan City?

Remember: laughter is a involuntary response.

The best part of an Ohio State loss is Bertie Breer’s insincere congratulations to the other team.

Best bet for the weekend: Fluff.

The15 Writers’ Room- ‘The Big O has transformed into CGI Errol Flynn’ ‘Clean cut Kurt Sutter’ ‘He looks like he’s starring in a reboot of Shane’ “looks like he’s been the star of Days of Our Lives for the past 30 years.’ ‘Kinda looks like The $15 Dollar Man’
*‘Like someone photoshopped Tom Selleck into his face’ ‘Looks like Leonardo DiCaprio would if he dated someone over 25’*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Matt Vautour, Old Friend Humphrey, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. It’s all too beautiful.