The 15

You’d think after the Patriots played their first preseason game of the season WEEI would have their resident football expert, Ted Johnson, on to break down the game, but he must be overtired from late night tweeting and that’s why he isn’t on?

Holley passing out looks like when Urkel finally sees Laura Winslow in a bathing suit.

Can’t load the dishwasher? Murdered a cop OR your children? Well, don’t worry, ladies, we’re not allowed to hold you accountable for anything!

The Kraft Productions logo still has a pink tie, but hipster RKK now goes with an open collar!

Boy Tom Verducci has the IQ of a doorknob.

Is it a rule that everybody on the Toucher & Hardy show has to wear a hat?

Lou damn Merloni just said that soft schedule talk is overplayed. Just for the baseball team, I assume.

Butch Huskey was one of our great names. RIP.

Hey gang of weather dudes! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Lol. There isn’t a map out there you won’t dispute.”

Dart Adams invented the run-on sentence.

Cakes are cooking for Bill Cleary, Renée Richards, Story Musgrave, Diana Muldaur, Jill St John, Jack Canfield, Ian Gillan, Bill Clinton, Gerald McRaney, Tipper Gore, Toshio Suzuki, John Deacon, Jonathan Frakes, Ned Yost, Peter Gallagher, Darryl Sutter, Ivan Neville, Ricky Pierce, Morten Andersen, Ron Darling, Valerie Kaprisky, Joey Tempest, John Stamos, Kevin Dillon, Kyra Sedgwick, Lee Ann Womack, Tabitha Soren, Mary Joe Fernandez, Michael Todd, J. J. Hardy, Christina Perri, Patrick Chung, Kirk Cousins, and Marcello Hernández.

That’s the funniest part of the Michael Holley video. Florio doesn’t care about Michael at all, he’s just upset the segment got fucked up.

The Pat MacAfee album is giving off ‘Matt and Ben wrote the Good Will Hunting script all by themselves’ vibes.

Aug 18, 1967. Tony C’s Cooperstown journey was de-railed. The Fenway silence as he lay at home plate was deafening.

The only time I was “dehydrated” I drove in to a MBTA pole.

How is it possible that Lindsay Clancy is more sane than most of the women supporting her?

Monasterio is a better Rusney Castillo.

Blue Line: Delays of about 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

There’s never been a positive news headline involving a quarry.

Sonny Gray is just a ball player.

I picture the McCourtys looking at each other during the game like, “should there be all this dead air?”

Glenn ‘Doc’ Rivers, now enshrined in the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame.

Tommy John needing Tommy John surgery, the odds on that must have been astronomical. RIP.

I’ve heard that all the best radio personalities fight for the 9-11 Saturday morning shift. Almost as sought after as DJ Bean’s 6-7 AM Soccer show.

Lucy I like you but slow your role please.

It seemed like the Chiclets guys were letting RA dip his toe back in the brackish pod waters and he predictably goes and has 17 nips on a Monday. Many such cases.

Watching Tom Caron walk around the park peddling 50/50 tickets is not good television.

Gotta give credit to Sir Mix-A-Lot, he wrote hit songs that gave love to both big butts and big boobs!

Dr. Frasier Crane is a Hank McCoy variant.

What did Hayden Panettiere know about the Red Sox hacking Pitch Comm? Taken from us too soon.

Providence isn’t sending their best to wheel of fortune.

Are we still pretending Annie Agar is funny? Or can we stop? Tits don’t make you funny. Please be better.

Fun fact: Mama Scartelli, with her atrocious Boston accent, pronounces drawer as ‘draw’.

I had no specific animus towards that Conley guy, so RIP to him. But imagine being remembered as the curator of dongs.

Orange Line Reminder: August 20-30 Service will be suspended between Oak Grove and Back Bay for infrastructure upgrades. Use shuttle buses between Oak Grove and North Station. Use the Green Line between North Station and Copley/Back Bay. Commuter Rail alternatives are available.

That twisted fruit Jake 100% got his dog stuck down by Boston Harbor on purpose and called the news himself for attention. He then made sure to call into the Sports Hub to talk about it, too.

Aubrey Huff trying to play in the women’s baseball league yet?

Honk if you remember the Little Black Sambo Merry-Go-Round at Story Land.

One of the McCourty’s was pretty good doing color on Westwood One during the playoffs. I’m not sure which one because they all sound alike.

Nobody gonna take my car, I’m gonna race it to the ground
Nobody gonna beat my car, it’s gonna break the speed of sound
Ooh it’s a killing machine it’s got everything
Like a driving power big fat tyres everything

I love it and I need it I bleed it
Yeah it’s a wild hurricane
Alright hold tight
I’m a highway star…

Drizzilicious sounds like a fake gay rapper on The Boondocks.

I bet Rich Keefe cried. Again.

Michael Holley looks like RuPaul when the AIDS test came back.

Euthanizing those who genuinely enjoy Pat McAfee seems like the moderate position.

I love a good conspiracy theory as much as the next guy, but when did every bored housewife turn into Art Bell?

Turgeman is Israeli for Vrioni.

Eagles’ fourth quarterback is Cole Payton which sounds like what ChatGPT would answer if you asked it to create a name for a generic backup QB.

I am calling for a total and complete shutdown of white women watching murder trials until we can figure out what’s going on.

Pablo Sandoval was a Jimmy Fund captain? At least they got something out of him.

I look forward to Vrabel’s human shields becoming more outlandish as the season goes on. He’ll be juggling ALS patients while blindfolded by the end of the year.

Red Sox 2-0 on TV38 this season.

It’s odd that longtime Clippers season ticket holder Bill Simmons wants that story to go away.

Best bet for the weekend: Gonzo gets the bag!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Matt Vautour, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I got all the trouble I’m ever gonna need. And I just don’t want no more.