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Football Cat’s Week 3 NFL Picks ’25

Posted on September 19, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Happy Upton Bell Day!

Every September 19th all of Patriots Nation gather together with their family and friends to celebrate the legacy of their one time wunderkind General Manager Upton Bell. Back in February of 1971, Billy Sullivan hired the snot nosed 33 year old Bell to be his GM. The most memorable moment of Upton’s brief reign of terror was when he forgot to mail out contracts to all the team’s impending free agents, thus instantly granting them their freedom. The Upton Bell era came to an abrupt end in December 5, 1972 when he was unceremoniously fired after amassing a putrid 9 – 19 record. Sure that is a bad record, but really damning fact is that Upton was so incompetent that he never worked in the NFL again. Imagine how awful his reputation within the league must have been to never get another front office job. This was the son of former NFL Commissioner and Eagles owner/founder Bert Bell, and after being fired at the age of 35 his career in the league was over.

Today the 88 year old social media maven has morphed into a modern day Baron Hieronymus Karl Friedrich Freiherr von Münchhausen. The list of famous (all dead) people Upton has met includes Burt Reynolds, Jane Russell, Hedy Lamar, Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Grace Kelly, Stephen Hawking, Patricia Neal, Jack Nicholson, Richard Nixon, Anthony Hopkins, Angie Dickerson, Arnold Palmer, Alan Shepard, Ted Turner, Seiji Ozawa, Donna Reed, Hedy Lamarr, Carely Simon, Yo Yo Ma and three (THREE!) Tuskegee Airmen. The list goes on and on. We didn’t even bother with listing the sports figures he claims to have known/discovered, but rest assured if they’re dead Upton claims he interacted with them.

And if Upton didn’t meet them, rest assured his mother did. Per Upton, his mom, Broadway “star” Frances Upton, had close encounters with Charles Lindbergh, James Cagney, Florenz Ziegfeld, George Gershwin, George Burns, Willie Mays, Babe Ruth, Lefty Gomez and Al Capone. According to Upton, when Bert Bell, his father, dropped dead Universal Pictures wanted to make a movie about him with Danny Thomas as the lead, but Frances turned it down (of course she did!). The aforementioned Bert Bell invented the NFL Draft, coined the phrase “On Any Given Sunday”, brought the entire Eagles team with him on his honeymoon, proposed local TV blackouts, and in 1958 came up with the idea of sudden death overtime – which is ironic because he dropped dead less than one year later while attending a football game.

So celebrate today the Upton way by forgetting to send out important legal documents on time, or by getting you rugs cleaned or by lying on social media about all the famous dead people you’ve interacted with. Happy 9-19 to all who celebrate!

Sunday Lunch Time
Falcons (-5.5) at Panthers
Black cats get slapped by Penix

Packers (-7.5) at Browns
Packko over Flacco

In 1935 Bert Bell invents the NFL draft. In 1948 Bert Bell invents prank calling potential draft picks.

Texans at Jaguars (-2)
Texicats hog tie spotted cats

Bengals at Vikings (-3)
Norsemen beat Burrow-less Bungles

Steelers (-1.5) at Patriots
Pat Patriot makes Rodgers see red

November 14, 1972 press conference with owner Billy Sullivan (right), interim head coach Phil Bengtson (center), lame duck GM Upton Bell (left). Disgraceful body language

Rams at Eagles (-3.5)
Philly rams LA

Jets at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Tampa takes the Todd Bowles Revenge Bowl

Colts (-4.5) at Titans
Tits whip Indianapolis Jones

Frances Upton in her only feature film role as Angie in ‘Night Work’ (1930). Francis loved to tell Upton about all the times she lost out on an acting job because she would not submit to the casting couch. Proving that lying is inherited.

Raiders at Commanders (-3.5)
The Raiders keep racking up frequent flyer miles but not wins

Sunday Dinner Time
Broncos at Chargers (-3)
Bolts best Broncos

Saints at Seahawks (-7.5)
Saints remain winless in Seattle

Upton saw Wilt Chamberlain play high school basketball and new he’d be a super star

Cowboys (-1) at Bears
Da Bears drop Da Boys

Cardinals at 49ers (-2.5)
Prospectors use the Pretty Red Birds as their canaries in the gold mine.

Sunday Prowl Time
Chiefs (-6) at Giants
Chiefs cut the Giants down to size

9 wins as Patriots GM work out to 1 win for every tooth

Monday Prowl Time
Lions at Ravens (-4.5)
Scary black birds tame the big cats

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Patriots Surging Ahead at the Quarter Pole: The Plan is Working to Perfection

Posted on October 28, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

By A.I. Bot Breer:

Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots are on a perfectly executed path to future dominance at the quarter mark of the 2024 season, and anyone who doubts this could be missing the bigger picture. Despite their current 2-6 record, which is simply a minor blip on their trajectory, the Patriots have laid the foundation for what will surely be a return to glory in the coming years. Head coach Jerod Mayo has created a master plan that emphasizes long-term growth, and we are seeing the early stages of a renaissance!

First, let’s talk about the defense. Christian Gonzalez and Keion White are emerging as superstar talents. Gonzalez has been a shutdown corner, neutralizing some of the league’s top wide receivers, and White is already one of the best pass rushers in the NFL with four sacks in just four games, on par with elite defenders like Myles Garrett. It’s clear this defensive duo will lead the league for years to come.

Jerod The Inspiring is wearing The Pin. How can you do any less!?!

On offense, while some may criticize the passing game, the Patriots are playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. Rhamondre Stevenson is a beast, leading a ground attack ranked 12th in the league, averaging 127 rushing yards per game. Forget the fumbles; that’s just the universe throwing obstacles in the path to greatness. With time, Stevenson’s ball security will match his explosive playmaking ability, making him one of the most feared backs in the NFL. Yes, the offensive line has had some hiccups, but that’s just part of the Patriots’ master plan to build resilience. The team is rotating through linemen at a breakneck pace, preparing for a future where no other franchise will be able to match their depth and versatility.

As for the quarterback situation, Jacoby Brissett and Drake Maye are part of a visionary strategy designed to slowly but surely cultivate a future superstar. The Patriots aren’t concerned with short-term optics; they are focused on building a sustainable system that will once again make them perennial favorites in the AFC.

Mark it down—this team is on the brink of something special. Give them time, and they may soon reign over the AFC East again.

First the East, then the Conference, and then…who knows?

Note: Old Friend ‘Uncle Gizmo’ took a cue from a recent Entitled Town podcast. He input into ChatGPT: “I’d like to create a story in the current style of Albert Breer. It would be a glowing story about New England Patriots coach Jerod Mayo and would use as its base Patriots media releases for the last month.” The first result was Jerod Mayo: The Emerging Leader Patriots Fans Always Needed. You just read the follow-up, written after NFL Week 5.

10/23/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 23, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Celebrities expected to be in attendance for the Celtics season-opener included Jeannine Russell, The Duke & Duchess of Athol, Donnie Wahlberg, Shaboozey, Benson Boone, Kai Cenat, Ron Catamount Muskmelon, 21 Savage, Metro Boomin, MBTA Flailin, Gord Marley, A$AP Ferg, Ja’Whaun Bentley, Davon Godchaux, Yung Lil Young, Zeppo Wahlberg, Shukri Wight, the cast of ‘Rescue: Hi-Surf’, and Nibi the Educational Beaver.

Felger should make “Tony, I Think You Had Something You Wanted to Say First?” a weekly feature.

Mookie needed 1927 Yankees Murderers Row protection to break out of his playoff blues.

Albuterol is still the best way to avoid wheezing a lot of bed.

The wax figure on the Liberty Mutual ads is by far the worst iteration of this series.

Who said D-Hop?

Looking forward to having the Dugie rally at City Hall if the Yankees win.

Cakes are cooking for Ang Lee, Dwight Yoakam, Weird Al Yankovic, Doug Flutie, Mike Tomczak, Al Leiter, Kevin Henry, Sanjay Gupta, Keith Van Horn, Cat Deeley, Ryan Reynolds, Pedro Liriano, Izabel Goulart, Emelia Clarke, Leah Van Dale, Fábio Tavares, Margaret Qualley, and Nick Bosa

Precious Achiuwa sounds like the name of a fat Lhasa Apso.

Lynx got jobbed.

Hey gang of paranormal pursuers! This week’s Phrase That Pays is, “To see the ghost, you must first believe in the ghost.”

Stammertime, welcome to Smashville.

Did TNT cut away to commercial because Paul Pierce had floated up into the TD Garden rafters too?

Honey Flower Dan Cong (also called Phoenix Mountain Oolong) is the best tea and it has been unfindable for months and it appears it has come back into stock in the US and is also way less expensive than it was last year. Big win for me.

Orange Line: Delays of about 10 minutes due to a signal problem at Forest Hills.

LeBron James the Younger debuting to play with his father was one of the most heartwarming painfully forced moments you’ll ever see.

Mercury Morris was the only thing stopping the Chiefs from going undefeated.

Bill Belichick was never 1-6. Bill Belichick never described his own team as “soft.” Bill Belichick never got the pass Jerod Mayo is getting right now. Mayo at 1-6 is treated better than Belichick was at 6-1.

Cousy is a cvnt hair away from being Jimmy Carter.

“Fernandomania” was a blast for baseball fans. Farewell to a Dodgers legend.

Charismatic megafauna!

Ime Udoka would have been at the banner raising if he knew white Cooz was gonna be there! What?

I see people saying that the Dodgers/Yankees series will get great TV ratings. Is that your belief? Because I’m skeptical. Put the two hardest teams in baseball to root for head-to-head, you really think that will draw big numbers?

Ridin’ in the bus down the boulevard,
And the place was pretty packed, yeah.
Couldn’t find a seat so I had to stand,
With the perverts in the back/

It was smellin’ like a locker room,
There was junk all over the floor.
We’re already packed in like sardines,
But we’re stoppin’ to pick up more, look out!

Another one rides the bus, another one rides the bus,
Another comes on and another comes on,
Another one rides the bus;
Hey, he’s gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus.

Retire? Are you kidding? The Sultan of Stat would never let down his loyal subjects (that’d be you and math).

Fun Fact: Entitled Town has an IMDB Page.

The Patriots are missing Rhamondre Stevenson, Layden Robinson, Ja’Lynn Polk and Curtis Jacobs from today’s practice Vederian Lowe returned, but looked limited. Keion White also looked limited.

Honk if you waited in line when the iPod was released.

Steve Kerr told TNT to go to commercial.

Imagine hitching your wagon to Mayo’s movable North star.

The Yankees installing Boone as manager for life is kinda weird. Like if the Red Sox had won the 2003 ALCS and then made Trot Nixon manager.

Clams hurt themselves posing with the WNBA trophy? Smdh.

Best bet for the weekend: the Fighting Irish over the Fightin’ Seabees.

*It does always come back to baseball, Colin and Nick.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Mayo on the hot seat?

*And a happy birthday to Brazilian fashion model Izabel Goulart.*

Football Cat’s Week 6 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on October 18, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Congratulations on all that sweet cash you made following last week’s picks (10-3 against the spread, and 11-2 straight up – not that we’re keeping track). As a way of saying “thank you”, head on over to the official The 15 Store and load up on some genuine merch during the big October sale.

I can’t believe this awesome shirt is on sale for only $16!

SUNDAY TEA TIME
Patriots at Jaguars (-5.5)
Spotty cats lose to New England in Olde England.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Bengals (-4.5) at Browns
Stripey cats use the Dog Pound as their litter box.

Lions at Vikings (-1.5)
Jungle Kings knee cap the Vi-Kings

Texans at Packers (-3.5)
Texans grind up the Meat Men

Someone get Upton Sinclair on the phone.

Eagles (-3.5) at Giants
Baby New York wins the game, but loses the Belichick Bowl.

Dolphins at Colts (-3.5)
Drips dizzy Dolphins dropped

Seahawks at Falcons (-2.5)
Real birds defeat fake sea birds.

Titans at Bills (-8.5)
You’ll see tits on a bull before you see the Tits beat the Bills.

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Panthers at Commanders (-7.5)
The Swamp Things may not be as good as they’ve looked, but the Black Cats are worse than they’ve looked.

Raiders at Rams (-5.5)
Cleveland-LA-St. Louis-LA Rams win the Transient Bowl over the Oakland-LA-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders

Chiefs at 49ers (-1)
49ers win the Super Bowl rematch, but don’t actually avenge the loss, then spiral into a deep depression.

I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Jets at Steelers (-1.5)
Men of Steel master Metropolis

It’s a bird…it’s a plane… no wait, it’s eaten the bird… all the birds.

MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME
Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers
Scary Black Birds get Buccan-owned

MONDAY ACTUAL PROWL TIME
Chargers (-2.5) at Cardinals
The bad night for birds continues as the pretty Red Birds get zapped.

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Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

9/11/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on September 11, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*“You don’t leak to Van Natta about me; I leak to Van Natta about YOU!”*

But did it feeeel like a win? Not so sure.

Tyreek Hill’s ongoing audition for a future season of ‘American Sports Story’ is going great.

You know it’s a big game when you hear the smooth sound of Noah Eagle.

I envy how comfortable Steve Perrault always looks.

The Hall could probably be persuaded to put Robert in if he’d end his rhetoric.

I can’t believe Clay Travis hired the Super 70’s Sports guy. Ok, I can.

People say there aren’t enough black baseball players anymore. They’re all on the TBS pregame show.

I’d like the captains patches more if they were the colors of the team. Why the same colors for all NFL teams? Patriots should be blue, red, silver, white…no yellow.

Is the Boston PWHL team named Fleet because of the building contractors?

Cakes are cooking for Brian DePalma, Lola Falana, Mickey Hart, Amy Madigan, Tommy Shaw, Jeff Sluman, Don Slaught, Scott Patterson, Robert Wren, Elizabeth Daily, Virginia Madsen, Kristy McNichol, Ellis Burks, Victor Wooten, Graeme Obree, Moby, Harry Connick, Jr, Maria Bartiromo, Taraji P. Henson, Mack Strong, Richard Ashcroft, Shelton Quarles, Jon Buckland, Ludacris, Ed Reed, Jacoby Ellsbury, Elizabeth Henstridge, and Tyler Hoechlin.

Diana Ross – Upside Down >> all the songs that sampled it.

Just remember, if Mayo turns out to be a good coach it’s because Robert Kraft saw something in him. If he turns out to be a bad coach, look to the coaching tree.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

I must hear something described as “the elephant in the room” twice a week. That’s 100 elephants in the room. How many elephants can you really fit in a room do you think?

Getting a microphone tattoo is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Might as well wear a shirt that says, “ask me about being in sports.”

Hey gang with a benevolence association, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “redirected to the ground.”

The only snakes I know of are those of Set and his cursed towers. Their evil has spread to every city. Two or three years ago it was just another snake cult, now…RIP James Earl Jones.

Agency news: KLUTCH Sports Group has acquired Ballengee Football, adding its agents including Rick Roberts, Martin Fischman and Don Weatherall and 20+ clients including Malik Nabers, Patrick Queen and Travis Etienne, to their emerging roster. This move follows the acquisitions of ROOF and Rep 1 Baseball earlier this year.

I’m home today playing Borderlands and I have to wonder…do the Vault Hunters have a Union?

Football isn’t my favorite sport but man, it really is the best-looking game on TV.

Weird fences make weird neighbors.

Why can’t Dave Grohl go the Shank route and pretend it never happened? Is it because people have a hard time believing two different women would go to bed with the CHB willingly?

In the timbers of Fennario,
The wolves are runnin’ ’round.
The winter was so hard and cold,
Froze ten feet ‘neath the ground.

Don’t murder me.
I beg of you, don’t murder me.
Please, don’t murder me.

I sat down to my supper.
‘Twas a bottle of red whisky.
I said my prayers and went to bed.
That’s the last they saw of me.

Since 1962 the Dodgers have won six NL MVP Awards. The New York Mets have won none. I’m kind of thinking maybe this should be the year?

Lucy Wrights, just winging it. ‘One Take Lucy’, they call her.

The frozen breakfast sandwich people must be in cahoots with the paper towel manufacturers.

The Red Sox are making a mockery of George Herman Fruith’s career!

The Echoes slept through their wake up call in South Bend.

Sarah Spain thinks Van Morrison was writing about b-holes in 1967?

I ain’t calling some other dude Swagu.

YouTube Belichick is great. But it raises the question, what did they do with the other half of Matt Patricia? Deep dive conversational format is actually what I think Brady would be better suited for than color analyst.

Honk if you remember Rod Rust’s hapless Patriots squad.

Man, both sides. Amirite?

YOU fell for the Al Horford retirement announcement hoax! You did! You did!

PSA: the new linkin park clips don’t sound weird because of her singing, they sound weird because all the songs are in new (higher) keys. For sure a factor that should have been considered, but I think she sounds pretty good and now a bunch of young fans get to see them

WooSox manager Chad Tracy said that Mickey Gasper tweaked his back packing up his things after being optioned from Boston back to Worcester.

Won’t someone please think about the Sports Hub producers who were heartlessly let go? No? Okay.

John Tomase. Writing about the Patriots. NBCS Boston doesn’t get nearly the hate they should.

Red Sox refuse to die. But also refuse to put together a winning streak.

Best bet for the weekend: Trust falls in Foxboro before the breakout session.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Miserable Fellow and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Kind of a drag.