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Football Cat’s Week 3 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 21, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Giants at Browns (-6.5)
If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.

Bears at Colts (-1.5)
Colts clobber Caleb.

Texans (-2) at Vikings
Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.

Eagles at Saints (-2.5)
American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.

Chargers at Steelers (-1.5)
One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.

*French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!*

Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5)
Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.

Packers at Titans (-2.5)
Pack men gobble up tits.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME
Panthers at Raiders (-5)
Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!

Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5)
Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.

Lions (-3) at Cardinals
Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.

Ravens (-1) at Cowboys
Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.

49ers (-6.5) at Rams
Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Chiefs (-3) at Falcons
Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.

MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME
Jaguars at Bills (-5)
Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.

MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL

Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)

Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

*The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.*

Football Cat’s Week 1 NFL Picks ’24

Posted on September 6, 2024 by bootlegbarnicle Leave a comment

Football Cat is back. And not in pog form, losers.

FRIDAY PROWLTIME (bonus)

Packers vs Eagles (-2.5)

American Birds win by default after Corinthians’ ultras hijack the Meat Men’s team bus.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Steelers vs Falcons (-3.5) The Birds of Prey better start praying. The Men of Steel pull off the upset.

Patriots vs Bengals (-6.5) Stripey Cats win in a laugher. Boston beat writers look the other way when offered an extra slice of cold Papa Gino’s pizza and a room temperature Bud Light.

Cardinal vs Bills (-6.5) Red Birds get stampeded by Hairy Cows. Let’s feast on their tasty wings.

Titans vs Bears (-4.5) As stated so eloquently last season: “Tits may be ass.”

Anne Francis, her TV character Honey West had a pet ocelot.

Jaguars vs Dolphins (-3.5) Spotty Cats feast on the Tua Fish.

Texans (-3) vs Colts Houston will not have a problem.

Panthers vs Saints (-4) To quote Shukri Wright(s) “if you think Carolina is going to win the division, I have a can of corn to sell you!”

Vikings (-1.5) vs Giants Bill Belichick’s dream job may be closer than it appears. Giants lose.

We journey to Jotunheim to battle the frost giants!

DINNER TIME

Raiders vs Chargers (-3) Brother Jim’s charges zap Tom Brady’s Raiders.

Cowboys vs Browns (-2.5) In Enid Blyton’s “Book of Brownies”, a mischievous trio of brownies named Hop, Skip, and Jump attempt to sneak into a party hosted by the King of Fairyland by pretending to be Twirly-Whirly, the Great Conjuror from the Land of Tiddlywinks, and his two assistants.

Dallas prevails.

Broncos vs Seahawks (-6) The False Seabirds win the Russell Wilson Memorial Classic.

Commanders vs Buccaneers (-3.5) Commies keep pace with Patriots in the battle for the first overall pick on the 2025 NFL draft.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Rams vs Lions (-3.5) Big Cats feast on juicy mutton kneecaps. Fetlocks? Lamb hocks?

MONDAY PROWLTIME

Jets vs 49ers (-4.5) Prospectors take down Planes. Achilles tendons may be intact, but hearts are broken throughout Queens.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

2024 March Sadness Championship

Posted on April 4, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

In the Consolation Match, Mike Kadlick proves no one cares about a Cinderella once their carriage turns back into a pumpkin. No glass slipper, just a glass jaw in a loss to Squeaky Tony Mazz who finishes in third place in consecutive tournaments.

Now on to the final act of The Big Sads – Felger vs. Curran. Two formerly ink-stained wretches. An irresistible farce meets the immovable object of derision. The Carpetbagger vs. the Lakeville Dagger. Missing eyebrows vs. hair transplants. Wisconsin Cheesehead vs. New England PotatoMan. Miserable Cuck vs. Heel Turn for a Buck. Both highly deserving. Two men enter, one man leaves. Choose wisely, voters.

Given the importance of this matchup, the poll will remain open for 24 hours, closing at this time Friday.

Dear readers, if you have been enjoying this year’s Mediot Tournament, or the ones previous, or the Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer columns, or the articles investigating the local sports media, or any of our other features, or the Twitter hijinks of the local collaborative, please consider making a one-time donation. Site registration isn’t free. The Crowdsignal plug-in that tabulates the votes costs money as well. Or in the alternative visit our The15 Genuine Merchandise page and buy a shirt or a mug? Up to you. Thanks again for reading.

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Football Cat’s Super Bowl Picks

Posted on February 11, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Biggest Sportsing Day of the Year, so far.

49ers (-2) at Chiefs in Las Vegas

Patrick Mahomes has more lives than a cat, but I can’t pick against Brock Purrrdy. Competent game management wins Soupeys. So there.

My SB MVP Pick? former Panther Christian McCaffrey

Halftime performance cameo appearance with Usher? Doja Cat.

Best SB commercial: Hellmann’s ‘Mayo Cat’

Thanks to all the humans who assisted in me making my picks this year. Except when they steered me into the wrong team. Hiss! Let’s do this next season! Unless I don’t want to.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

Posted on January 27, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat would knock Will McDonough into a laundry cart.

Four teams, two games. Football Cat predicted three correctly last week. Let’s go!!!

SUNDAY SNACKTIME

Chiefs at Ravens (-3.5)

Missouri has bobcats and mountain lions, Maryland only bobcats. But the Evil Birds are evil and will prevail.

SUNDAY DINNERTIME

Lions at 49ers (-7)

Jungle Kings versus Purrrdy and his Prospectors. The heart wants the felines to win, but the head will stick with San Francisco.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Divisional Round NFL Playoff Picks

Posted on January 20, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

If you followed my betting advice last week I hope you bought yourself something pretty.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Texans at Ravens (-9.5)

Wildcatting Texans look good. Evil Birds are evil. I like the upset.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Packers at 49ers (-9.5)

Prospectors Prepared for Packers.

SUNDAY NAPTIME

Buccaneers at Lions (-6.5)

Pewts versus Pumas. Can’t pick against a cat team at this point in the season.

No salty privateers would willingly tangle with this Lion.

SUNDAY SUPPERTIME

Chiefs at Bills (-2.5)

Bisons lose because of penalties called on their idiot fans throwing snowballs, and worse.

Football Cat’s Super Wild Card Weekend NFL Picks

Posted on January 13, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat has graciously agreed to work the playoffs after very successful regular season. And so:

SATURDAY SUNSET

Browns (-2.5) at Texans

Tricksters versus wildcatters. ‘Stroud’ sounds like a cat warning growl, ‘Flacco’ sounds like one coughing up a hairball. Texans win.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Dolphins at Chiefs (-4.5)

Stupidly cold weather favors neither team. So playoff experience wins out. Kansas City gets the W.

If there are any other cheapskates interested in watching the Chiefs-Dolphins game you can get Peacock for free if you sign up for a free 2 week trial of Instacart+ (whatver that is). You don’t need to give them any real info, I just signed up with my burner email address and a fake name; I used’Morris Katz.’

SUNDAY SUNSET

Packers at Cowboys (-7.5)

Cows undefeated at home. Will that matter? Of course it will! Big D big W.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Rams at Lions (-3)

Sorry Shovey Sheep, but this is the only cat team in the playoffs. I’m going to be parochial.

MONDAY SUNSET

Steelers at Bills (-10)

Bisons don’t deserve to win after getting the game moved because of snow. But deserve got nothing to do with it.

MONDAY PROWLTIME

Eagles (-3) at Buccaneers

Buccaneers have momentum, Philly does not. The Pewter Privateers win at home.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 18 NFL Picks

Posted on January 6, 2024 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Lots of teams resting starters in advance of the playoffs this week. I can understand that.

SATURDAY SUNSET

Steelers (-4) at Ravens

Will the Evil Birds take the gaspipe in the hopes the spirits conspire to keep Buffalo out of the ‘yoffs? Yes.

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Texans (-1) at Colts

Wildcat Texans round up the Little Horsies.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Buccaneers (-4.5) at Panthers

Bad year for the luckless Black Cats ends as it began.

Browns at Bengals (-7)

Stripey Cats are desperate, Browns have put the bag of tricks away until the playoffs. Cincy wins.

Vikings at Lions (-3.5)

Jungle Kings don’t want to go 3-3 in the division and won’t.

Jets at Patriots (-2)

Prediction: Pats Pirouette Past Planes

Falcons at Saints (-3)

The animals of God’s creation inhabit the skies, the earth, and the sea. They share in the ways of human beings. They have a part in our lives. Francis of Assisi recognized this when he called the animals, wild and tame, his brothers and sisters. Nevertheless, Saints win.

Jaguars (-5) at Titans

Spotted Cats disrespect the Titans.

Seahawks (-2.5) at Cardinals

Cardinals are real birds. Seahawks are not. Nevertheless, the False Birds win.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Bears at Packers (-3)

Da. Bears. Da Win.

Chiefs at Chargers (-3.5)

Chiefs win because of course they do.

Broncos at Raiders (-3)

This is the game that ends in a tie.

Eagles (-5) at Giants

Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. Giants prove this in bad weather against the Phils.

Rams at 49ers (-4)

No Brock Purrdy, no matter? Not if the Shovey Sheep have anything to say about it. Rams win.

Cowboys (-4) at Commanders

Cowpokes want the #2 Seed. Won’t need much fancy ropin’ to get it.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Bills (-3) at Dolphins

Prediction: Payables Pork Porps.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 16 NFL Picks

Posted on December 23, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

This is Badger. Badger has the Christmas spirit.

Big Thurrsday win for the Los Angeles Shovey Sheep. Now for the rest of the games:

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Bengals (-2) at Steelers

Steel City unfriendly to Stripey Cats. Pittsburgh wins

SATURDAY PROWLTIME

Bills (-11.5) at Chargers

Chargers powerless to stop the Buffalo stampede.

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Colts at Falcons (-1)

Both teams need a win to stay in or return to the playoff hunt. Preybirds get that win.

Packers (-5) at Panthers

Green Bay get-right game.

Browns (-2.5) at Texans

Trickster Brownies pull another whimsical win out of their helmets.

Lions (-3) at Vikings

Hardy Minnesotans and their outdoor stadium get the edge here. Sorry Jungle King cats.

Commanders at Jets (-3)

The Planes are meh at home, the Prez are iffy on the road. Planes win.

Seahawks (-2.5) at Titans

Seahawks are made up, Titans are mythical. False Birds win.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Jaguars at Buccaneers (-1)

Spotted Cats get their first win this December as an early Christmas present.

Cardinals at Bears (-4)

Non-hibernating Bears win.

Cowboys at Dolphins (-1.5)

Pokes prove Porps can’t beat a good team.

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Patriots and Broncos (-6.5)

Leave all the yappy malcontents like Trent Brown at the Denver Airport. Broncos win.

CHRISTMAS DAY

Raiders at Chiefs (-10)

Las Vegas gets that the smart money is on the Chiefs. KC wins.

CHRISTMAS AFTERNOON

Giants at Eagles (-12)

Someone’s losing streak has to end. It will be the Birds.

CHRISTMAS EVENING

Ravens at 49ers (-5)

Prediction: Prospectors pound Poes.

Football Cat wishes all of you a safe and happy Christmastime free from ignorance, want, & the cone of shame. Well, most of you.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

Football Cat’s Week 13 NFL Picks

Posted on December 2, 2023 by TheIntern15 Leave a comment

Football Cat knows coffee is for closers.

(Cowpokes won at home but didn’t cover against the fake seabirds Thurrsday.)

SUNDAY LUNCHTIME

Broncos at Texans (-3.5)

Wildcatters win.

Chargers (-5.5) at Patriots

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is image.png — Zzapp!

Prediction: Plugs Paste Pats.

Lions (-4) at Saints

Lions are 12-13-1 all time versus the Saints. They get to .500 Sunday.

Falcons (-2.5) at Jets

Actual falcons are used to keep nuisance birds away from airports to reduce the risk of birdstrikes. Can I apply for that job? Atlanta wins.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is image-2.png — He sees you.

Cardinals at Steelers (-5.5)

Pretty birds no match for Pittsburgh at home.

Colts (-1) at Titans

This is a game Indy should win but won’t. Go Tits!

Dolphins (-9.5) at Commanders

Can you FedEx a porpoise? Dolphins win this winnable game.

SUNDAY SUNSET

Panthers at Buccaneers (-5)

Poor unlucky Blacks Cats. Not their year.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is image-3.png

Browns at Rams (-3.5)

Trickster Browns create mischief, win the matchup in LA.

49ers (-3) at Eagles

Prospectors prove too much for the national bird.

SUNDAY PROWLTIME

Chiefs (-6) at Packers

Mahomes leads the Chiefs to victory his first visit to the not yet frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.

MONDAY NIGHT

Bengals at Jaguars (-9)

An inter-cat matchup! Spots over stripes.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is image-1.png — How very ferocious of them.

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

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