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11/19/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 19, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Man. Quoting Cam Newton in Ebonics is a rough look.*

I’m no computer nerd, but the best way to avoid B*arstool tweets probably isn’t throwing a banana cream pie at their clown car.

Mazzulla is always visibly fuming when Drew Carter does the pre-game interview.

Kirk is taking Mut not knowing what a sitcom is really hard.

I wonder if Dianna Russini has thoughts about the Olivia Nuzzi revelations.

Being able to move on from your playing days is a skill.

I was just thinking, is Barstool ready for what they’ve started? No one messes with Hardy and Sarge’s crew and gets away it.

Coed adult cheerleading team?

Red Sox now have a new catcher, but only one bullpen lefty. Concerning.

Cakes are cooking for Ted Turner, Eddie Raynor, Calvin Klein, Dennis Hull, Bob Boone, Ahmad Rashad, Robert Beltran, Kathleen Quinlan, Ann Curry, Charlie Kaufman, Michael Wilbon, Alison Janney, Grant Ledyard, Meg Ryan, Jodie Foster, Terry Farrell, Paul Weitz, Gail Devers, Rocco DiSpirito, Gary Disarcina, Justin Chancellor, Jeremy McGrath, Savion Glover, Jack Dorsey, Kerri Strug, Ryan Howard, Adam Driver, and Patrick Kane.

Little known fact: The viceroy and roy aren’t constitutionally allowed to fly on the same airplane.

I had a Pop-Tart and feel disgusting.

Never in NFL history has a backup QB come into a game and used it as the launchpad for a successful career.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Editorial discretion.”

Meanwhile, the phrase that never pays to say is and remains, “May I meet you?”

The NFL is better when the Jaguars are good.

Stan Musial: 1815 home hits. I815 road hits. As the Ol’ Perfessor would say, “You can look it up.”

One might say Kenni’s about to grow into an allergy… of getting owned.

Aaron Glenn looks like the leader of a slave rebellion.

Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.

Surely this Kendra humiliation will cut through all the squids telling her how great she is.

“Blue-collar chip on shoulder guy” is a top 5 annoying personality type.

Robert appearing to be half a head taller than Gronk thanks to his booster seat is ridiculous.

Kirk Herbstreit’s job at this point is just humoring doddering old men while they prattle on about bullshit from 30 years ago. “Oh, really, Hartford? Wow, crazy.”

If Gresh blocked at URI like he does on Twitter he would’ve been drafted.

Does Pete Carroll have a legacy and is it in flames?

John Cena vs. Dominik Mysterio at Survivor Series would absolutely slap.

YOU were in a rock fight with the Jets, caller!

Normally you had to pay admission to one of Portnoy’s old Barstool foam parties to get that level of abused.

Have any of the radio stations gone to all-Thanksgiving music yet?

Honk if you remember Briff.

Rewatching the Patriots game and it brought up a random thought. I really miss the bond you get from being on a team. I miss that team camaraderie. Nothing like it. Anyone else miss it? Let us know in the comments.

Now if I appear to be carefree, it’s only to camouflage my sadness
In order to shield my pride, I’ve tried to cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don’t let my show convince you
That I’ve been happy since you decided to go (why did you go?)
Oh, I need you so (I need you so)
I’m hurt and I want you to know (want you to know)
But for others I put on a show (it’s just a show)

Ooh ah, there’s some sad things known to man
But there ain’t too much sadder than the tears of a clown
When there’s no one around, oh yeah

Mais non, cher, from what I see, Gresh lost over 100 pounds back in 2019 wit’ a program, not Ozempic. No sign he usin’ dat stuff. Callin’ him a slob? Dat’s subjective, me, but he a sharp sports guy. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

You had me at “ok face.”

Imagine thinking having 5 active jobs on the ol’ LinkedIn looks good.

When did YAC yards become RAC yards?

You know a guy is dirty when Mark Schelreth says, “this guy isn’t dirty.”

BYU and UNC will have an epic Holiday Bowl in 2027.

Next thing you know we’re going to find out she doesn’t really work 65 hours a week.

Aloha means goodbye. Aloha, Johnny Beecher.

Best bet for the weekend: Bill the GM’s former players playing well on other NFL squads.

THE GARDEN was built for the brawlers, the bombers, THE ABSOLUTE SHOT-CALLERS! Beantown demands the PROS, baby, not some doe-eyed amateurs still figuring out which end of the rink is up! We shelled out our hard-earned cash to watch the GODS: Russell blockin’ shots into the Charles, Orr flyin’ end-to-end like a jet, Bird drainin’ ‘em with the silky smooth, Espo snipin’ top shelf where Mama hides the cookies! These are the GIANTS who strode among us mere mortals!
*So take that college kiddie carnival back down to Storrs, Geno!*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Wash before wearing.

*And happy birthday to Ukrainian-Canadian supermodel Daria Werbowy.*

Football Cat’s Week 11 NFL Picks ’25

Posted on November 14, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

As DRAKE-A-MAYENIA sweeps the six state region, we’d just like to remind you where you first were introduced to that fantastic (and potentially lucrative) phrase… it was HERE, in Football Cat’s Week 13 NFL Picks ’24!

and also here, in Football Cat’s Week 15 NFL Picks ’24!

As part of our pending intellectual property infringement lawsuit(s), our special council has advised us to put all of our ideas out there (that’s legal jargon). So without further ado we bring you our latest potential merchandise ideas (TRADEMARK!):

Remember, never settle for cheap imitations when you can choose the high quality original! Only available (potentially) at the15net.com official store!

Sunday Desayuno Time
Commanders at Dolphins (-2.5)
¡Los delfines ganan!

Sunday Lunch Time
Panthers at Falcons (-3.5)
Black cats can’t catch a break, or find a win

Buccaneers at Bills (-6)
Bills bully Baker

Chargers (-3) at Jaguars
Spotted cats get zapped by Plugs

Bears at Vikings (-2.5)
Norsemen sneak by sleepy Bears

Packers (-7) at Giants
There will be no metamorphosis under Kafka’s leadership.

Bengals at Steelers (-5.5)
Yinzers flatten Flacco

Texans (-6) at Titans
Tex squeezes Tits

Sunday Dinner Time
49ers (-3) at Cardinals
Purrrrdy swallows pretty red birds

Seahawks at Rams (-3)
Horny sheep trample fake sea birds

Ravens (-7.5) at Browns
Scary black birds flush the Browns

Chiefs (-3.5) at Broncos
Chiefs bust Broncos

Sunday Prowl Time
Lions at Eagles (-2.5)
Jungle kings claw out a win in Philly

Monday Prowl Time
Cowboys (-3.5) at Raiders
Ranch hands rustle Raiders

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

11/12/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 12, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Hey stupid, there was another, even easier way to retire as a Patriot.

Poor Kacsmar. Maye won a game where he made “over” 26 pass attempts. That means six more weeks of not leaving the basement.

Might be time for JB to make the call to Dr. Leonard. Just sayin’,

Portnoy has a nutritionist, a personal trainer, and a personal chef and he’s still sloppy.

Baseball needs more awards. There; I said it.

Bill’s dream job becoming available enough to pry him out of Chapel Hill, caller?

Boston is cornering the market on Marco/Marko’s. Think Marco Scutaro wants a job with the Sox staff?

Ketamine makes you act inauthentic sometimes.

For Curt Schilling, there’s nothing hotter than sending someone to the showers. What?

Antonio Brown’s perpetual motion fall from grace continues. Tom vouched.

Cakes are cooking foe Wallace Shawn, Al Michaels, Booker T. Jones, Neil Young, Valerie Leon, Buck Dharma, Pooch Tavares, Jack Reed, Paul McNamee, Megan Mullally, Greg Gagne, Nadia Comăneci, Naomi Wolf, Erik Howard, Michael Moorer, Sammy Sosa, Tonya Harding, Mayte Garcia, Radha Mitchell, Ashley Williams, Cote de Pablo, Ryan Gosling, Anne Hathaway, Jason Day, and Russell Westbrook.

Nap Lajoie is the only Hall of Famer whose plaque includes the word “graceful.” Would loved to have seen him play.

Ending a bag of peanuts on a good peanut is an underrated great feeling.

Portnoy brought in Hogdale to look skinny by comparison.

Why didn’t Dondero pause for a longer amount of time before executing that completely spontaneous spit-take?

All the best football experts promote shady gaming apps.

Red Line Update: Delays of about 10 minutes due to an earlier train with a door issue at Davis. Service is proceeding.

Imagine having a kid and wanting to tell Perrault and Carrabis.

Zolak talked all over the 4th down stop, which was good because then he was all tuckered out for the Henderson run.

How is it 2025 in America and most stores in the mall don’t stock 3XL T-shirts?

National Signing Day and it’s some retard in a shitty cafeteria choosing between Endicott and Fitchburg State hats.

Who needs Mac & Cheese on Thanksgiving?

I’m so glad Rich Eisen went back to ESPN, so we don’t have to listen to his terrible play-by-play.

Mike Lombardi’s hair looks like when a guy in a 70s sitcom had a hairpiece that would fall off and he’d frantically put it on backward.

Papaya Gaming?

Hey gang of grifting gals, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “She has the shape of a DeNucci.”

If tinnitus is a disability I’m Stephen fucking Hawking.

RA slurs so much that the generated captions don’t match what he’s saying.

Team Bucko Kilroy here. For reasons.

Hey buddy, haven’t you heard there’s a penny shortage in this country?

Seven game winning streaks. So hot right now.

Too soon to call Flagg a GM killer?

C’mon UMass!

Honk if you remember Grönk Flakes.

This is obviously all a ploy for Mina Kimes to promote her Mahjong app.

He’s a perfect stranger
Like a cross of himself and a fox
He’s a feeling arranger
And a changer of the ways he talk
He’s the unforeseen danger
The keeper of the key to the lock

Know when you see him
Nothing can free him
Step aside, open wide
He’s the loner.

So I can’t see the Northern Lights, but my cell phone can? That doesn’t seem fair.

The Cleveland Guardians pitchers were a good start, but when are they going to arrest Troy Vincent?

Celtics lead the league in the strong effort in helpful losses category.

Bo Nix with eye black looks like Bill Romanowski.

The irredeemable slobs at 98.5 are upset they can’t treat their workplace like a college dorm kitchenette.

BC basketball lost to Directional Connecticut? Was Bill O’Brien in attendance?

Every fanbase hates their OC no matter what. It’s ridiculous.

I’m not saying we bullied Joe into giving Walsh playing time, but I’m not not saying it either.

Have we mentioned that Pasta is a Good Kid? Because he is.

Best bet for the weekend: visits to the meat counter to order the fresh turkeys.

*Mmmm. You can really taste the beechwood sawdust aging.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gas glove available inside.

11/05/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on November 5, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*Be more needy for attention, Robert. You can’t! And are those Cardi’s sisters, Hennessy and Thunderbird?*

Blue Jays got Maple Leaf’d. You hate to see it. I am gutted for Don Mattingly.

Miami GM gets axed, but McDaniel doesn’t? The headline could have been, ‘Dolphins fire 1-and-a-half black men.’

The Bruins Russian contingent is playing like the alternative is being shipped out to the Donetsk salient.

If you forced detainees at Guantanamo Bay to watch “Wake Up Barstool,” it would be considered a grave breach of the Geneva Conventions.

Socci is not good at play by play, but he has no chance with Zolak’s Tourette’s.

Anybody know the best way to directly and immediately pay for some groceries for people who need them right now? Was going to just post a tweet asking if I could Venmo whoever needs it but I don’t want to have to make people publicly respond.

Chaisson needs the Henderson skinny letter nameplate for his jersey. IMO.

Jordan Walsh is the only Celtics player not getting into these games. Is it because he scares people?

Cakes are cooking for Elke Sommer, Art Garfunkel, Pablo Gomez, Debbie Massey, Alvin Gentry, Kris Jenner, Jeff Watson, David Moyse, Michael “Mike” Score, Robert Patrick, Bryan Adams, Ken Coomer, Tilda Swinton, Brian Wheat, Tatum O’Neal, Judy Reyes, Bob Dahl, Sam Rockwell, Jennifer Guthrie, Javy López, Corin Nemec, Dana Jacobson, Jonny Greenwood, Rob Jones, Alexei Yashin, Johnny Damon, Rupert Grant, Jerry Stackhouse, Ryan Adams, Bubba Watson Jr., Nick Folk, Kevin Jonas, and Odell Beckham Jr.

Florida National vs Florida International feels like it should be a bigger rivalry.

So, given the heartbreak of 2023 and all the chances left on the table of we’ll never know… how in the Phil Esposito-autographed, put-the-biscuit-in-the-basket world did Pavel Zacha not shoot the puck wide open in the slot late in the second period of a scoreless game?

I expected the loudmouth Italian with two shitty part time jobs to be an intellectual.

You know the Patriots are back when you start seeing Schwab tweets.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The fourth costume of the weekend will be the funny one.”

The Dodgers have started a necklace rage. Kiké and Yoshinobu Yamamoto have sapphire tennis ones, custom made. Miguel Rojas has an agate VCA Alhambra one. Joc Pederson’s pearls look lame by comparison.

Green Line: Through November 13 No service between Park St and Medford/Tufts for maintenance. Use shuttles between Medford/Tufts and North Station. Use the Orange Line through downtown. Union Square riders use Route 87 to Lechmere.

Raheem Morris was dressed like he’s invading Ice Station Zebra.

Boston sports media members age worse than pro wrestlers. And many look like them, especially the women.

Are tires important in NASCAR? It seems like they would be.

Loved the bald ump struggling to explain the rule they made up for one guy: “Yeah it’s the World Series and we got a lotta Japs watching tonight so why don’t you fuck right off?”

I can’t believe there are people out there who would voluntarily live and/or work in anything higher than the fourth floor of a building.

If only the Jets had a Geno Smith or Sam Darnold-type. Wait, what?

Regardless of how you feel about Mike McDaniel as a coach, he is the type of leader I would want surrounding my loved one if they were in the NFL.

When people are like you must not be watching the game BABE it’s the St. Louis blues and I’m bi in Boston and its midnight on a Wednesday I’m doing Cher ‘Believe’ on karaoke why would I ever be watching that game?

Littal you big dummy, you can’t join the mile high club in your own bed.

Why would you watch sports if your reaction to somebody breaking a record is “congrats on doing your job.”

I support Lou Whitaker’s candidacy, but it has nothing to do with the fraudulent nonsense non-stat known as WAR.

Cloning your dog is 100000x weirder than letting a 24-year-old tug your prick.

Listened on repeat whole workout. 1 hour 44 minutes of we to install microwave ovens custom kitchen deliveryyyyy.

I found something worse than women’s basketball. Women’s college hockey. Holy cannoli.

Where on God’s green earth does one find that donut croissant?

For all the great anthem singers in Canada, MLB has really whiffed on their O Canada warblers.

Aldi employees cross train in all departments. It creates roster flexibility across all platforms and lets Madge unload a truck once in a while.

I’m sure it’s great for your mental health to have your name be shorthand for abject failure. Ryan Leaf IS Roy Munson.

Lotta opting ins, lotta opting outs, lotta what have you’s.

Hi. A pedantic moment. We are now back in Standard Time. Daylight Saving Time is the summertime one.

Drake Maye, Mac Jones and Jacoby Brissett all win this week. Just missing Jimmy G.

Good at least the Sox are in on everything again and this will provide some needed momentum for Christmas at Fenway sponsored by Stop and Shop.

Sauce Gardner got more picks for the #Jets yesterday (2) than he has for his whole career (1).

If the Dodgers win another World Series when baseball resumes in 2027 will that count as a Threepeat?

I am going to miss Ryen Rotillo no-selling Simmons’ stupid jokes.

Anyone else been just super depressed since we lost Barstool Beef? I find myself looking for him everywhere.

Clamdicapping is a hell of a business.

Won’t you scratch my itch, sweet Annie Rich?
And welcome me back to town
Come out on your porch or step into your parlour
And I’ll tell you how it all went down
Out with the truckers and the kickers and the cowboy angels
And a good saloon in every single town.

Yes and I remembered something you once told me
And I’ll be damned if it did not come true
Well twenty thousand roads I went down, down, down
And they all led me straight back home to you.

On the bright side, some gayball Toronto sportswriter is gonna milk this heartbreaking loss for the next 50 years.

And now Kiner-Falefa has some free time to teach Drake Maye how to slide.

Was Jordon Hudson seen carrying a book containing the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes short story ‘Silver Blaze?’

Honk if you remember George Foreman KO of Michael Moorer to regain the Heavyweight championship.

Denny Hamlin: More laps in first place!

Coach Vrabes is gonna make Curtis start drinking again.

Sean McVay has developed a relationship with Joe Mazzulla — and Mazzulla apparently is trying to convince McVay to try jiu jitsu.

Every position is a specialist. That’s why they’re called ‘positions.’

If you make the playoffs and then shop a guy like Skubal you should be forced to sell the team.

Kevin Love is on the Jazz?!

Best bet for the weekend: now the Loyko investigation can begin in earnest over at BSJ!

*(The lowest form of humor is the ‘same name!’ gag. Nevertheless…)*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Sail on silver girl. Sail on by.

*And Happy Birthday to model/actress Famke Janssen, What is that, Dutch?*

10/29/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 29, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

The first thing I’d ask if I were at a crooked poker game is, ‘Does the table always hum like that?’

Once again, the local media contingent is the last to know breaking Patriots news.

I thought we had so many years left with Beef. His absence leaves a void that can only be filled with fatter, more hilariously named men.

You know it could be a good day when one of the first things you hear is Screamin’ Jay Hawkins singing “I Put A Spell On You.”

Does Eliot Wolf fancy himself as some kind of 6th round draft savant?

The Bruins appear to be bipolar. Unfortunately.

That stuff that Chauncey Billups and Damon Jones are accused of is legitimately the type of stuff that gets people taken out. No exaggeration.

Cakes are cooking for Ralph Bakshi, Claude Brochu, Robbie van Leeuwen, Richard Dreyfuss, Kate Jackson, Guy Gelso, Denis Potvin, Lee Child, Roger O’Donnell, Dan Castellaneta, Jesse Barfield, Mike Gartner, Michael Carter, Randy Jackson, Yasmin Le Bon, Peter Timmons, Joely Fisher, Rufus Sewell, Peter Breen, Marquez Pope, Gabrielle Union, Tracee Ellis Ross, Michael Shur, Ben Foster, Amanda Beard, Maurice Clarett, Chris Baio, Eric Staal, Gio Benitez, Andy Dalton, and Evan Fournier.

Sarge, that picture should be titled ‘Beefcake Heaven’ or the ‘Studs on Causeway.’

It’s always best to point shave in game 7 of the ECF, a game nobody pays attention to.

Orange Line Update: Please continue to expect delays of about 10 minutes while signal personnel work to overcome a switch problem at Oak Grove.

Does Hogdale become the new Barstool Beef automatically, or is a vote needed?

I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: I love rugby style punters.

Hey gang of fun-haters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “One-day contracts are stupid.”

Never thought I’d be looking at the NBA Tankathon page again so soon but here we are.

Brian Kelly. Free to pursue other opportunities.

I never understood how an inverted W isn’t just an M.

Pablo Torre’s working on Jordon Hudson’s connection to this NBA gambling scandal.

Coach Vrabes is whacking people with connections to the Lombardi crime family.

Isn’t Dybantsa the drug that treats POTS?

There are survivalist ham radio operators with better Arbitron ratings than WEEI’s lineup.

I am physically incapable of not saying Quinshon Judkins without using the same cadence as ‘Leroy Jenkins.’

Climate change stops when we harness the power of pregame show fake laughs for clean energy.

In Deliver Me from Nowhere, Bruce Springsteen says his favorite hotdog condiment is mustard but in real life, Bruce Springsteen hates mustard so much he did a whole yap about it during a show. How the hell did E Street Ombudsman Gary W. Tallent let this happen?

Working on a fun story tonight where I get to combine two passions: special teams and apple cider doughnuts.

We’ve reached the point where it’s no longer Hazel may … it’s Hazel does.

Today I learned that primer is pronounced, ‘primmer’ when used as a preview of something. I have been mispronouncing that for 46 years.

It’s like those veteran suicide awareness commercials, but instead of some jarhead, they send in Bill Burt and “Hardy.”

Barstool Tofu is still alive and well.

Robert Saleh’s defense loves undersized interior penetrators.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine
Stop the things you tell
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Yeah, I can’t stand it
No runnin’ around
I can’t stand it
No, put me down.

I put a spell on you
Because you’re mine, oh yeah
Stop the things you do
Watch out, I ain’t lyin’.

Pets are the best so you just have to give them the best life possible while you can and let them live forever in your memories.

Fun Fact: Point shaving in the WNBA is called point waxing.

Pats should sign Jerod Mayo to a one-day contract and immediately cut him.

Honk if you remember the F/V Andrea Gail.

Or maybe Barstool is like Al-Qaeda: One leader dies, they’re automatically replaced. Seamless transition.

TreyVeyon got his touches! Now what to complain about?

If Hogdale is streaming to ten people during a normal game, I wonder what was happening in the 18th inning the other night.

Another reminder MLB should have emergency backup pitchers in the stands. EBUPs.

I can’t remember a Sunday night when I didn’t think Cris Collinsworth is an asshole. Last Sunday was not one of them.

Sad about Logan Mankins. Maybe Speros stole his donor kidney?

Why on Earth is Marlins Man still a thing? Go away already. It’s played out.

Best bet for the weekend: zero bags of leftover candy.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friends Hacksaw & Yahtzee, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Happy Halloween, ladies. (laughs) Nuns. No sense of humor.

*And happy Birthday to actress Winona Ryder, who puts one on a Halloween frame of mind.*

Football Cat’s Week 8 NFL Picks ’25

Posted on October 24, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

The call is coming from inside the house!

With Halloween only one week away you are probably looking for a fun, yet simple, way to get into the spooky spirit. Little did you know that bone chilling excitement is just a phone call away.

Traverse into the eerie elements of the other world and encounter those who lurk in the night. Call the Halloween Haunted Hotline at 585-IF-U-DARE! Carefully choose your fright, not all who call survive the night.
There are many haunted attractions in New England, but none scarier than the House on Harris Road in Nashua, NH. Home of the infamous “Death Couch”. Those who dare sit on the sofa will be doomed, and not just because they’ve come in contact with its sticky coating of ectoplasm. Within the past three years there have been documented cases of a man suffering a debilitating stroke, another being institutionalized (multiple times), numerous extraterrestrial visitations and one actual death happening to people after they’ve sat upon the cursed couch. If you’re interested in purchasing it, or some old ceiling tiles, you can call 603-881-6980. In lieu of cash, blue cupcakes will be accepted in trade.
In celebration of the Halloween season, Sony Pictures and Ghost Corps have launched a brand-new campaign, letting fans both call and text the Ghostbusters. If you’ve got something strange in your neighborhood to report, pick up the phone and call (or text) 516-718-TRAP.
Wrinkles the Clown is no Stephen King character, but that doesn’t make this real-life clown any less creepy. Based in Naples, Florida, this clown offers a wide variety of services, like performing at parties and intentionally scaring children. Calling 407-734-0254 sends you to his voicemail, where we’re told you can hear a pretty chilling message.
Would you like to speak with Frankenstein’s monosyllabic monster? Then just dial 617-779-7937 any weekday afternoon between 2 pm and 6 pm. Remember he has an abnormal brain, so please be patient and speak slowly.

Just remember that standard message and data rates may apply.

Sunday Lunch Time
Dolphins at Falcons (-7.5)
Penix penetrates porpoises

Bears at Ravens (-6.5)
Scary black birds spook da’ Bears

Bills (-7.5) at Panthers
Hairy cows rub black cats the wrong way

Jets at Bengals (-6.5)
Stripey cats maul Jets

49ers at Texans (-1.5)
Mac gives Houston problems

Browns at Patriots (-7)
It’s no longer Drake may… it’s Drake IS!

Giants at Eagles (-7.5)
Philly dash Dart

Sunday Dinner Time
Buccaneers (-4.5) at Saints
Bucs cook Cajuns

Cowboys at Broncos (-3.5)
Denver does Dallas

Titans at Colts (-14)
Indianapolis Jones whips Tits

Sunday Prowl Time
Packers at Steelers (-3)
Packmen rout Rodgers

Monday Prowl Time
Commanders at Chiefs (-12.5)
KC shuts down DC

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

10/22/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 22, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

*It got a little dusty in the TD Garden last night, amirite?*

Tough loss, Mariners. Can I interest you in a baseball poem?

Hoping that for his next investigation, Pablo Torre can find out how Katie Nolan keeps getting work.

NESN talking Patriots credit pie? Bill only ever got blame pie. And such large portions!

When you turn too many corners you end up back where you started.

Toucher, Adam 12, Hardy and Big Jim… why not make the entire station out of failed rock DJs?

If I had been playing in that media basketball game, I would have pulled my team off the floor. Sometimes you have to make a statement.

Dammit Carolina Hurricanes, stop wearing the Whalers branding as a skin suit.

Cakes are cooking for Christopher Lloyd, Derek Jacobi, Jan de Bont, Lee Meredith, Greg Hawkes, Jeff Goldblum, Bobby Blotzer, Cris Kirkwood, Barbara Potter, Leonard Marshall, Bob Odenkirk, Brian Boitano, Valeria Golino, Carlos Mencia, Ron Tugnutt, Shaggy, Shelby Lynn, Spike Jonze, Saffron Burrows, Tyrone Williams, Ichiro Suzuki, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Brad Stevens, Jon Foreman, Olivier Pla, Heath Miller, Robinson Canó, Zac Hanson, Jonathan Lipnicki, Marcus Jones, and TreVeyon Henderson.

Love my gals of sports twitter today and always.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “We’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.”

You can be bald or gay but not both.

Globe Pitchbot makes Michael Hurley look like Patrice O’Neal.

Green Line D Branch Reminder: From 8 PM on October 24 through October 31. Local and Express Shuttle buses will replace service between Kenmore and Riverside for maintenance work.

FYI, Celtics season ticket renewal is March, with commitment to renew in February.

I wonder if Gene Simmons gave Ace Frehley’s family a Kiss coffin at half-price.

Guys, I don’t know if it’s been said before, but we’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Whomever convinced Chris Gasper he’s a good writer needs to be brought before The Hague.

Aaron Rodgers yelling is lowkey kinda scary.

Hate when I see a 12-year-old kid wearing a sliding mitt, but Vlad Jr. makes it look cool.

As usual I’m the only one in the exit row to review the passenger safety card. I don’t see any of these people helping in the event of an emergency.

It’s crazy, like, I was just thinking that we’re actually starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is. Anyone else feel this way?

Savor all the moments we have left with Chris Berman.

Long Johns went on today. Sorry folks, but it’s officially winter. I don’t care what your calendar says.

White women love two things: fucking with their faces and autumn.

You know the Patriots are back when Joe Murray and Dondero open up the postgame show by complaining about the Patriots trying to force the run, and how the defense needs to play better.

Black cats conduct heat evenly.

Why do refs say, “by rule”? What else would it be by?

As I was driving home, a thought struck me: We’re starting to reach the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Damn convenient the Charles River water quality markedly improved right before the Regatta!

And when I wake up in the morning
To feel the daybreak on my face
There’s a blood that’s flowing through the feeling
With a knife to open up the sky’s veins.

Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change.

The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid…No one would be able to find it.

Porzingis had POTS? So is he better now? I ask because the broads seem to make it their personality for the rest of their life.

Honk if you remember when Paul was dead.

The next day, local television journalist Clark Booth suggested, “Instead of playing a seventh game, they should spread tables and checkered tablecloths across the outfields and just have a picnic, a feast to a glorious World Series, and toast one another until dawn.’’

It’s alright to cry Marchy, crying takes the sad out of you.

Congratulations to K’Lavon Chaisson for being named AFC Defensive Player of the Week.

Salem Ghost Lantern Stroll!

After looking at Marchand in a Panthers uni all night now I look up and it’s Marcus Smart as a Laker.

The Celtics, they could surprise!

Best bet for the weekend: we draw inexorably nearer to the point where it’s no longer Drake may … it’s Drake is.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. She’s drivin’ away, with the dim lights on.

*And happy birthday to French actress Catherine Deneuve.*

10/08/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 8, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Bill needs to dump that gold-digging whore. I’m talking about Freddie Kitchens, obviously.

The Boston Bruins quest for The Cup begins tonight, with no less than three alternate Captains. Leadership will evolve organically.

I’m hearing that Barstool just hired Frederica Bimmel.

Zdeno Chara will be the first player to hang his jersey up in the rafters without needing a pulley system.

You’re all pissing me off the album is good and it’s ok if you think it’s bad but like it’s not my problem. She’s cringe. Expecting her not to be cringe was your problem. BTW, this is how many of us felt about “Pop” in 1997.

If H. Paul Rico were alive he would crack down on the Bills Mafia.

For many of us this is a baseball High Holy Day, the 69th anniversary of Don Larsen’s Perfect Game. Or, as some prefer, Yogi’s Leap.

I like that Mark Sanchez went back to the bar after being stabbed. You can’t teach that.

Cakes are cooking for Rona Barrett, Paul Hogan, Fred Cash, Chevy Chase, R.L. Stine, Ray Royer, Hamish Stuart, Sigourney Weaver, Robert “Kool” Bell, Edward Zwick, Michael Dudikoff, Bill Elliott, Darrell Hammond, Stephanie Zimbalist, Joe Castiglione, Nick Bakay, Tony Eason, Reed Hastings, CeCe Winans, Matt Biondi, Emily Procter, Karyn Parsons, Matt Damon, Soon-Yi Previn, Monty Williams, Donnie Abraham, DJ Q-Ball, Kristanna Loken, Nick Cannon, The Miz, Raffi Torres, Travis Pastrana, Bruno Mars, Bubba Wallace, G Herbo, and Bella Thorne.

Cam In Taunton actually applied for a job at Barstool, but they told him he was too thin.

.A Ferrari beefing with a Sauber? I’m sat.

Imagine what Christian Barmore could accomplish if he only knew how to read.

Never skip face day, bro.

Orange Line: This weekend, October 11 – 13. No Train service between Forest Hills and North Station due to signal work. Use Shuttle buses between Forest Hills and Back Bay. Use the Green Line between Copley and North Station.

Hey Hogdale, You don’t need to work blue! You’ll never play the big rooms with that crap. Ask Redd Foxx. You don’t need the blue stuff, kid, you got talent!

Bob, I was lucky enough to watch the whole game on Black and White TV. I skipped school that day. I don’t think we will ever see that again. The present managers would have Larsen out in the 6th. I thought Jackie Robinson would break up the Perfect game. It was a joyous day. I interviewed Don Larsen many years later.

Most teams play better when they aren’t too busy being dumb.

Hey gang of pill hurlers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “when you grip the hide, hide your grip!”

Trying not to let small disappointments determine my day.

Good radio bit for Dondy: ranking the greatest sports stabbings. “OJ had the panache, but I gotta give the edge to Seles here. And Pierce gotta be top 3.”

We skipped the light fandango
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor
I was feeling kind of seasick
But the crowd called out for more.
The room was humming harder,
As the ceiling flew away.
When we called out for another drink-
The waiter brought a tray-

And so it was that later
As the miller told his tale.
That her face, at first just ghostly,
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

Foxboro Stadium in the 70s at a night game would kill everyone in Western NY and then invade Canada.

Honk if you remember Hyacinth Bucket.

Why make a name for yourself when you can just ride your dad’s coattails? Must be nice.

I can’t imagine being excited about that time 69 years ago when I read about a baseball game a day after it happened. And then saw the Movietone News highlights a week later between the Bowery Boys and the latest Abbott and Costello feature. I’m sure it was magical.

I can’t WAIT to bust out my Irish cardigan soon!

Has the Widow Russell forbidden Bill’s kids from using his bridge?

Much. Needed. Rain.

Well now I’m hearing Bill is giving his players warm Gatorade! An alum can’t pony up his buyout wad fast enough!

Puka Nacua remains a must-start in all formats.

Imagine not hating your job.

Either die a Marv Levy or coach long enough to become a Joe Gibbs.

Passed out at 6-1. The Yankees came back and won?!?!?!

Bert Bell created the Himmy Award in 1949. The Philadelphia Eagles’ Steve Van Buren took home the first one.

Best bet for the weekend: Football Cat’s win streak starts again.

We had a very funny footer gag planned comparing Mac’s outfit to something the Batman villain Two Face would wear, “Heads interception, tails nut-crushing fumble.” but then he had to go out there and own. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Pick Up the Pieces.

And happy heavenly birthday to Johhny Ramone and to C.J. Ramone, who is not pictured here and may still be alive.

10/01/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 1, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

If the New York Yankees had won last night Karl Ravech was going to drive non-stop to Cooperstown and hand deliver the game footage to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

The Patriots are arguably the best 2-2 team in the AFC East.

Oh, I know how get-off-my-lawnish this may sound, but the fuss about a Super Bowl halftime show eludes me. Just give me a good marching band.

It took all of Europe’s best golfers playing out of their minds to just barely beat the scrappy US Ryder Cup squad. I hope they’re very proud for that.

Oh, you know, that old New England seaside tradition, “ringing the fog bell?”

Can you imagine Kendra Middleton eating fried dough at the Topsfield Fair? The zaniness would be off the charts! LOL

The Raiders let the Bears block the kick so no one would say Tom Brady’s classified intel helped them win.

Humiliating Mut is my favorite Barstool thing ever.

Watching the Wild Card game reminds me that the late Larry Johnson could not freehand draw the Yankees logo. At all.

Cakes are cooking for Julie Andrews, Rod Carew, Stephen Collins, Randy Quaid, Earl Slick, Larry Miller, Jeff Reardon, Leslie Burr-Howard, Theresa May, Martin Cooper, Michelle Bauer, Youssou N’dour, Elizabeth Dennehy, Esai Morales, Mark McGwire, Roberto Kelly, Cliff Ronning, Christopher Titus, Mike Pringle, Scot Young, Zach Galifianakis, Rudi Johnson, Johnny Oduya, Matt Cain, and Brie Larson.

Seth, Good luck on your Book. I wrote in my Book that the two most important positions in America are the President and the Quarterback.

I’m convinced the Sullivan Tire Guy is Greater Boston’s Jimmy Savile.

All Lynn Ferry service is cancelled for the remainder of today, October 1, due to rough seas

Tyreek Hill’s leg snapped easier than a three-year old’s arm. What?

Hey gang of stackers, this week’s Phrased that Pays is, “Mut just got cucked by Hogdale.”

That Ceddanne at bat against Weaver was one of the coolest things my eyes have ever seen. Like seeing a minotaur.

Fun Fact: ‘The Fog Belles’ was the name of the San Francisco 49ers first cheerleading squad.

How does a car race go to overtime?

Ravech acting like Judge playing right field on roller skates is making plays out there like he’s Willie Mays.

I’ll say it again: if you want to be a creator, don’t let brands exploit you. A massive food company just asked me to eat something so spicy it required a safety waiver and for zero pay. I’ve been doing this for 10 years and still get offers like this. No one will advocate for you but you. If a brand says, ‘no compensation, just community,’ the answer is NO. They don’t get to use your image for clicks and their gain for none of your own, because I promise they have the budget. The end.

Fire Country is at least an actual phrase. Sheriff Country makes no sense.

Red Sox Alumni News: Nice to see Francona bring the Reds to the playoffs. Ely De La Cruz is a fun player to watch. Rafi Devers played 163 games this season. Gary Allenson is still alive.

Cam has good rabbit-killing hands.

Zooey Deschanel looks completely different without bangs.

I’m jk I know this usually means a retirement tour or whatever but I have declared the Kings my punching bag of the year.

If you leave, don’t leave now
Please don’t take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we’ll go our separate ways
We’ve always had time on our sides
Now it’s fading fast
Every second, every moment
We’ve got to, we’ve gotta make it last

I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won’t let go at any price
I need you now like I need you then
You always said we’d still be friends someday

I always knew Nick Sogard and Nate Eaton would be big for the Red Sox in the playoffs.

Honk if you remember ‘Memphis Seoul.’

Portland Heart of Pine playing on a field with both football and soccer markings is confusing.

Smokey Joe Wood? He was a problem.

Live is one of the few bands actually worse than Nirvana.

Happy trails, Al Horford. You will be missed.

I can’t name one Zac Bryan or Eric Church song, and I’m guessing neither can Gerry Callahan.

The Ryder Cup Envelope Rule?

Best bet for the weekend: early whiteout conditions in Buffalo. Check for Skyway closure announcements!

*Douglas, Henry, & Diggs could get used to winning.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friend Hacksaw, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Souma Yergon, Sou Nou Yergon. We are shakin’ the tree.

*And happy Birthday to model and actress Cindy Margolis, the one-time ‘Most Downloaded Person in the world’*

Football Cat’s Week 4 NFL Picks ’25

Posted on September 26, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of sport! The thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat! Welcome to Football Cat’s Wide World of Sports Weekend! In Asia there are the World Athletics Championship finishing up in Tokyo. In the Land Down Under we have an all feline Grand Final in the Australian Football League as the Geelong Cats (a personal favorite) take on the defending champion Melbourne Lions. In Brazil there’s the Grand Chess Tour Finals kicking off (a Blitz isn’t only in football kids). And who could possibly forget about everyone’s favorite jingoistic biennial golf tournament, that the Ryder Cup (any relation to Greg?) is taking place at Bethpage Black (any relation to Shirley Temple Black?) Even the Red Sox are prepping for the playoffs (PLAYOFFS?!?!) But Faith and Begorrah the most important international sporting event of the weekend will be taking place in the Emerald Isle, when the Steelers “host” the Vikings in the first ever regular season NFL game to ever be played on the auld sod. Why the Steelers you may ask? What a stupid question boy-o! Why I ought to bop you on the head with me shillelagh! The Steelers were the obvious choice because of their deep Irish roots. Steeler’s patriarch Art Rooney’s great-grandparents emigrated from Ireland way back in 1840 during the Great Famine. That means current Steeler’s owner Dan Rooney only has to go back four generations to reach his potato roots. Wow a 4th generation Irish American! There are only about 32 other million of those, and half are in Southie. So remember no matter how many times you drop “Sláinte” or “Éire go Brách”, your blood will never be as green as the Sainted Rooney family. Top o’ the mornin’ to YOU, ya’ spud!

The local Mick community couldn’t be more excited

_{And congratulations to Warren Dull’s Aunt on being the only human to ever defeat Football Cat}

Sunday Potato Pancake Time
Vikings (-2.5) vs Steelers
Stillers hand the Vikings their worst defeat in Ireland since the Battle of Clontarf in 1014

Brian Boru invented sudden death centuries before Bert Bell

Sunday Lunch Time
Commanders (-1.5) at Falcons
Penix stiffens up and balls out.

Saints at Bills (-15.5)
Even Saint Jude is backing the Bills in this one.

Browns at Lions (-9.5)
Jungle Kings smear the Browns

Titans at Texans (-7.5)
FUN FACT: This game showcases the only two teams in the NFL whose nicknames end in “ans”! Tex top Tit

Panthers at Patriots (-5.5)
Black cats get caught looking ahead to October.

Chargers (-6.5) at Giants
Jaxon Dart? More like Jaxon Sharts the bed!

Eagles (-3.5) at Buccaneers
American birds soar in this battle of the unbeatens

Sunday Dinner Time
Colts at Rams (-3.5)
Hairy sheep hand Indianapolis Jones his first loss

Jaguars at 49ers (-3.5)
Mac tames the Spotted Cats

My good friend Mac and I can’t stop owning

Ravens (-2.5) at Chiefs
Scary Black birds murder Mahomes

Bears (-1.5) at Raiders
It is officially fall, and the Autumn Wind is a Raider… Vegas baby!

Packers (-6.5) at Cowboys
Meat men grind up Cow boys

Monday Early Prowl Time
Jets at Dolphins (-2.5)
Jets take the toilet bowl

Monday Prowl Time
Bengals at Broncos (-7.5)
Stripey Cats succumb to hypoxia

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

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