The 15

The nigh-worthless Boston Globe should have been writing wall-to-wall columns about how Jared Remy needed to do a 30-year stretch to learn his lesson before he murdered Jennifer Martel.

Last Wednesday Warren Buffett turned 93, Last Friday Jimmy Buffett drops dead. Makes you think.

Kyle Teel has already been promoted to Double A. Is he using a disguised metal bat?

I hate the ‘Coach Prime’ nickname more than the ‘Shady’, ‘Hollywood’, and ‘Wink’ ones put together.

Bill Lee is too old for baseball. He should run for the Senate.

Well I think it’s great that Mike Reiss once a week provides a sports component to Touch & Rich’s Morning Zoo.

There’s nothing like riding an electric bicycle to a game of pickleball.

Cakes are cooking for Chrissie Hynde, Mark McCumber, Benmont Tench, Bruce Armstrong, Uta Pippig, Darren Bragg, Tom Everett Scott, Shannon Elizabeth, Mark Prior, Vera Zvonareva, Rafinha, and Evan Rachel Wood.

Florida played at Utah. Are they in the same conference now?

Why is some clothing marketed now as sleepwear? I think I’ll decide when & where I wear it, thank you.

When is someone, Chris Nolan I’m looking at you, going to make an FDR trilogy? 1st movie starts w/run for VP, getting polio, relationship w/Eleanor, governor of NY and ends w/his election as POTUS, 2nd: New Deal until the start of WW2 in Europe, 3rd: WW2 up to his death. Yalta could be its own movie.

Hey gang of blondies, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “New Englanders call water fountains bubblers.”

We lost Ken Powers over the summer? Shame.

The watch party up in heaven with Mike Leach and Jimmy Buffett is going to be a banger.

Kudos on a job…done, Chris Mortensen, you stooge. Oh, and Matthew 22:36-40 doesn’t mean it’s okay to ignore the Ninth Commandment, the one about bearing false witness against your neighbor.

Heat bugs!

There’s lots of questions about how Chris Godwin and Mike Evans will fare this season with a new QB, but they draw a great Week 1 matchup.

Red Sox pissing and shitting all over themselves and the biggest story in town is the local backup quarterback being moved to the practice squad.

Thankfully Tom Caron pronounced “Negro Leagues Museum” flawlessly.

I had this vivid dream that a phenom pitcher named Gil Thielen — I remember specifically spelling the name in the dream — was called up by the Mariners and was leading them to the World Series when I got an exclusive interview. I might be thinking too much about baseball.

Now that Gil Brandt’s dead, just imagine all the players we’ll learn he called Upton Bell about.

Best of luck to Americans Coco Gauff, Madison Keys, and Ben Shelton in the US Open Semifinals today and tomorrow.

Deuce Tatum is darker than Chris Gasper.

When I was single, I’d sleep on the comforter and put blankets over me. I never had to clean the sheets. Although not sure that is why I did it. I think I simply didn’t feel the need to pull down the comforter if I had blankets to cover me. That changed when I met my wife.

Is Sam Shaughnessy’s dad bemoaning someone receiving preferential treatment from the justice system?

It’s such a drag to want something sometime.
One thing leads to another, I know.
Was a time I wanted you for mine,
Nobody knew.
You arrived like a day and passed like a cloud.
I made a wish, I said it out loud.
Out loud in a crowd.
Everybody heard.
‘Twas the talk of the town.

Made some Gold Bark chicken thighs with a little sprinkle of Sriracha, absolutely delicious.

Honk if you remember Good Time Emporium of Somerville.

Deion Sanders? He self identifies as black which is convenient given he’s a black.

I know there is white asparagus, but are there white collard greens?

If Kelce doesn’t play, no quarterback in the history of the game will have had a worse group of offensive skill players surrounding him tonight that poor Patrick Mahomes.

Jimmy Buffett was one thing but not the Smash Mouth guy too.

Good Luck Team USA in the FIBA semifinals thingie.

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots offense getting the best of newly re-anointed super-defensive genius rocket scientist Matt Patricia.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs. Gonna use my style, gonna use my sidestep. Gonna use my fingers, gonna use my, my, my Imagination.

If you have no backup quarterbacks, you really don’t have any backup quarterbacks.

Anyone that booed Mookie Betts at Fenway should get the bum’s rush out the door and be told never to return.

Is all Bradford does now is guilt people into uncomfortably posing with his wrinkled shirts?

The US Navy has had an air element since 1911. The Naval Acadamy football squadron should follow suit.

Oh great, we’ve reached the night where Dave O’Brien awkwardly congratulates kids on having cancer.

Cakes are cooking for Robert Crumb, Peggy Lipton, Lewis Black, Robert Parish, Butch Johnson, Michael Chiklis, Cameron Diaz, Shaun Alexander, Andy Roddick, and Bebe Rexha.

News Item: Publix says it will no longer make hurricane themed cakes due to sensitivity concerns. Sad.

Bengals QB Joe Burrow is back for practice.

It’s OK, guys—Chris Sale is gonna take full responsibility and promise to do better next time!

Mookie Betts was the Dodgers’ last chance on Saturday, Alex Verdugo was Boston’s on Sunday. Fitting.

Does the Ashoka theme feature a mournful fiddle? Asking for Kenny Burns.

I wonder if Hank Gathers would’ve taken advantage of the gather step. Back when he played, that was a travel.

I’m forever a #TeamPhysicalMedia guy. But there’s a lotta quality flicks for just a fin* on the ‘book store outta fucking control’ streamer. [*- (urban) denotes $5 ]

Hey gang of baseball poets, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Pouring in Boston / sky is crying because Mookie is here as a Dodger.”

Bob Barker. 99 years. Amazing longevity. Did he die yodeling off a cliff?

I’m not looking forward to the discourse on Patriots Twitter when Tyquan Thornton gets traded to the Steelers for a conditional 5th rounder in a few days.

Jarren Duran, out for the remainder of the season due to false hustle.

The Brattle Street entrance to Harvard Station is temporarily closed due to ongoing Fire Department activity in the area.

Morey Hershgordon isn’t real and he cannot hurt you.

I wonder if any ex-pro athlete has ever turned down a gambling app or Subway sponsorship opportunity.

I’m always in the mood for crab rangoons.

A long time between season-opening road wins, UMass football. Nice job.

Windham Rotunda? That’s a hotel name. Rest in peace.

‘Has the persona of an Anti-Zionist Muhammad Ali’ was on all of Len Bias’s scouting reports.

Super. Blue. Moon.

Last week’s debate was like a D&D dungeon party where everyone rolled a 3 charisma.

John and Mitchy were gettin’ kind of itchy
Just to leave the folk music behind.
Zal and Denny workin’ for a penny
Tryin’ to get a fish on the line.
In a coffee house Sebastian sat
And after every number
They’d pass the hat.
McGuinn and McGuire just a-gettin’ higher
In L.A., you know where that’s at.
And no one’s gettin’ fat except Mama Cass.

Red Sox fans’ overwhelming (and justified) nastiness towards management for trading Mookie Betts makes me wish Twitter existed in 1919 when they got rid of The Babe.

Fun Fact: Ted Williams, whose birthday is today, could fly high-performance fighter jets, clout improbably long home runs, see the rotation of a baseball, and detect an ounce difference in the weight of a baseball bat, but nonetheless could not tell you whether the singer in a song by The Cars was Ric Ocasek, or Benjamin Orr!

All accomplishment comes with a side helping of harsh criticism.

The Galactic Empire apparently had a dress code Moff that forbade women to wear tight pants.

The Dodgers fix dudes left and right with grips while the Sox can’t even manage a bullpen correctly.

Honk if you remember ENIAC.

Three hours after the deadline, the Ravens, Bucs, Broncos and Raiders still have not announced their roster moves. It’s beyond ridiculous.

Me Winning Time isn’t. You do.

Hummus is delicious!

Don’t all you feel a little bit like a silly goose over the whole Patriots players released thing now?

best bet for the weekend: Auburn. Sorry, MinuteCats.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I saw her again last night.

Trey Lance and the Niners really are what happens when you let the idiots on Twitter make the decisions.

Dave O’Brien starts the broadcast with his favorite topic. Weather from earlier in the day that has no bearing on the game we’re about to watch.

All the worst people were emotionally invested in the Ravens meaningless ‘streak’.

The new Burger King spicy chicken wrap is actually really good. Like if I ordered it as a sandwich at a bar for $12.99 I’d be happy with it.

NFL dumb rule proposal: Every team should have to have their punter wear No. 0 and their kicker wear No. 99 (or vice versa).

Cakes are cooking for Rick Springfield, Skipp Sudduth, Julio Franco, Glenn Healy, Ray Ferraro, Jeremy Schaap, Joe Andruzzi, Kate Sobrero, Sun Mingming, Glen Johnson, and Jeremy Lin,

I like the idea of Belichick toiling away in a dark windowless room in the bowels of Gillette Stadium watching film of the Eagles pass rush by himself for the last 37 hours, and all of a sudden he hears the faint echo of “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together” and he stumbles up a ramp to see what all this racket is about, and is impressed by whoever this woman is playing through the elements.

TikTok wasn’t even invented the last time the Ravens lost a preseason game!

Bucko Kilroy has a grandson named Gavin, Kevin.

Malik Cunningham has played receiver, quarterback and now as a kickoff returner this preseason. Pretty cool.

Hey cowboy gang, this week’s Phrase that pays is, “Struggle bunny.”

Red Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace service between Quincy Center and Braintree from 8:45 PM to end of service on Aug 22 – 24 for track and tie replacement work.

Dumb people love excessive punctuation.

Embarrassed to just learn that Stephon Gilmore has a brother named Steven Gilmore who is a rookie corner on the Lions.

Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out
Got a good reason
For taking the easy way out now.

She was a day tripper
One way ticket, yeah
It took me so long

To find out;

And I found out.

“Most consecutive preseason wins” seems more like a Colts thing, complete with banner.

Wife asks “Do you like the Ezekiel Elliott deal? Answered very much so.

There are no cool people that take ketamine.

Wait, Robbie Anderson changed his last name to Chosen? I thought he had changed his first name…

I’ve learned that Pete is not actually a lawyer.

Our President is older than the American League MVP in 1968, or the NL MVP from 1970.

Honk if you remember River Phoenix.

The Jets officially placed WR Corey Davis on the reserve/retired list, per the wire.

Upton’s arguing for guys to get into the Hall of Fame who haven’t played pro football in 60+ years. If it takes that long, you simply weren’t good enough.

A 53-point night for A’ja Wilson!

But Trey was awesome in that one fake game he played in college!

Terry Funk was still alive? RIP.

Robert should ask Putin for his Soupey ring back.

I like Pascoag. Has a microbrewery.

Best bet for the weekend: sportswriters at the Springsteen show at Gillette.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Hey Bulldog.

Glad to have had you on the ice for the Bruins, David Krejčí. You’ll be missed.

Red Sox still definitely in the wild card playoff hunt.

Porzingis’s foot caught the ol’ Hellenic Flu?

Sooo happy to see Damar Hamlin back on the field after the NFL bent to the Buffalo Bills wishes and cancelled a game and were a cvnt hair away from mandating neutral-site playoff games in perpetuity. Yayyyy!

I can’t believe the Gov. of Hawaii is named Josh Green. Any state can have a ‘Josh Green’. Hawaii should have a guy named like, ‘Governor Haunapukamana’lei’lei.’

Portnoy definitely bought Barstool for a dollar because he’s such a shrewd negotiator, and not just because Penn thought it was worthless.

A Cape League Championship Two-peat for your Bourne Braves!

Remember August 2020, watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs being played in the bubble in Toronto & Edmonton? What a time it was for us all.

News Item: Tom Brady becomes part owner of Birmingham City FC. Related, Boston Globe reporter Bob Hohler is on a plane en route to Birmingham Airport.

The Spanish Ladies do not wish to say farewell and adieu quite yet.

Cakes are cooking for John Howard, Reginald Veljohnson, James Cameron, Madonna, Christian Okoye, Steve Carell, Ed Olczyk, Ben Coates, Bonnie Bernstein, Taika Waititi, Vanessa Carlton, Evanna Lynch, and Young Thug.

Chipotle tastes ten times better with the Chipotle forks.

I wonder if the NHL set a record this summer for player weddings.

Tawm’s offensive identity is, of course, ‘jilted tuber.’

Wander Franco is going to be so vindicated when it’s revealed the gal had a Dominican birth certificate and she’s actually six months older than he is.

Mike Gesicki’s injury, is it a mild shoulder dislocation (glenohumeral) or is it a mild shoulder separation (AC joint)?

Hey gang of name not knowers, this Week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Just stop Pat you’ve been defeated.”

Keion White wearing #99 is obviously the best aesthetic of all the rookie numbers. Perfect fit. Mapu (#30), Douglas (#81), and Boutte (#80) are all good, too. But White is about to destroy some QBs in 99.

Also trying to pinpoint the exact date a genre of music was spawned seems very quantifiable.

I might be wrong about this, but isn’t Rhode Island considered a New England state? Yet they play in the LLWS Metro regional not the New England regional? Maybe I’ve been misinformed all these years?

Red Line Braintree Branch: Service will operate on a single track at Quincy Center on the northbound side. Personnel are addressing a disabled train at Quincy Center southbound. Expect delays of about 15 minutes. Trains may stand by at stations.

The Red Sox will not be wearing their City Connect uniforms on the road.

Why do I enjoy “Hot Ones,” the YouTube show in which celebrities try to conduct an interview while eating super-hot chicken wings? Watching Gal Gadot having to spit out one of the hotter sauces may have made my year. No one else makes agony look so good.

No one else hears music?

Hard to find another job as a barely educated, wrestling-obsessing, Chinese food eating, pedophile-looking, fist-posing, 40-something-year old cat fetishist, I guess. Who knew?

Not many tight ends have a real path to leading their team in targets. Darren Waller is one of them.

Why is everybody so down on the Cardinals? They’re not even the worst team in Missouri. . ..

When you’re rolling through a YouTube kids songs playlist and an ad pops up in the middle of a song, it’s like a drive-killing holding penalty. Wipes out all your momentum.

Zeke’s stay with the Patriots is already longer than Greg Bedard’s at the LVRJ.

Gonna have fun in the city.
Be with my girl, she’s so pretty
She looks fine tonight
She is out of sight to me.
Tonight I’ll spend my bread, tonight
I’ll lose my head, tonight
I’ve got to get to night
Monday I’ll have Friday on my mind

You’re supposed to recycle the cardboard box the trash bags are packaged in you vapid bint.

Chipping sparrows!

Honk if you remember Dave Dravecky.

I missed the sales tax holiday? I guess I can replicate that by visiting the duty-free shop at Logan. Is the tunnel back open yet?

I wonder if the NHL set a record this summer for player weddings.

Serious, it’s like a small brass ensemble, repeating the same six or eight bars?

I do love a good Farmer’s Market. Gotta support those folks. They need it now more than ever.

A cat is only itself, representative of the strong forces of life that won’t let go.

Just found out Phil Coulter, who penned “The Town I Loved So Well,” also co-wrote “Saturday Night” by the Bay City Rollers. Mind officially blown. The things you hear on the Irish Hit Parade!

Best bet for the weekend: the temperate tundra of Lambeau Field.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Charles Bukowski, BSMW poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Gotta hold on you. A new sensation, (a new sensation) Right now. It’s gonna take you over. A new sensation, (a new sensation)

The Sox stumbling out of the gate post trade deadline after winning just enough to cancel the fire sale was the most predictable result ever.

Penn Entertainment gets the reach and cachet of ESPN, Portnoy gets to keep all the great big fat persons, the overage interchangeable frat bros, and Jerry Thornton. What a win! #GoPresGo

Well, to the good, Megan Rapinoe was voted ‘Most Likely to become one of Immortan Joe’s Imperators’ by the locals.

I checked the Saratoga results & saw Parcells’ horse finished out of the money, but I didn’t realize she ran all the way to the big paddock where Air Lift, son of Bold Venture, full brother of Assault now resides.

Bill Simmons should have had Jackie McMullen come on the podcast with his daughter Zoe and do her Jayson Tatum voice.

A great hitting instructor once said to me, when you’re hitting .145, try to bend over backwards while hitting. If the back of your head touches your heels before the pitch you’re doing it right.

Cakes are cooking for Bob Cousy, Rod Laver, Sam Elliott, Doug Williams, Melanie Griffith, Kurtis Blow, Brett Hull, Vinnie Del Negro, Gillian Anderson, Liz Vassey, Chamique Holdsclaw, Luka Filippi, and Alexa Bliss.

Are Cheech and Chong on the Twitter board of directors or something? Every tenth tweet is an ad for their gummies, lol

Sullivan Square is easily the biggest failure of Boston’s urban design. A nexus point of Charlestown, Cambridge, Somerville, Everett — fucked to death by cars. No stores. No real restaurants. One poorly staffed coffee shop. A bistro closed over a decade with shattered windows.

Yes, I’m fine. Sorry for that and I appreciate the concern. I slept through multiple phone alarms. Very disappointed about it.

Green Line B Branch: Due to a track problem at Boston College, B Branch trains are originating and terminating at the Lake Street platform.

Letting a wide receiver wear Adrian Peterson’s number should be considered treason.

Any time you can put a guy with a lower WAR than Ellis Burks, Mike Cameron, and Devon White in the HOF you have to do it, you sweet bastard.

No horse-killers in the Patriots Hall of Fame. Sorrey.

Hey gang of hard-knocking pigskin ornithologists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Crows are the only birds that attack eagles then eagles fly high and the crows fall off and die.”

Does Dugie think being lazy makes him more authentically Mexican? IJATQ.

Nothing like ordering a new blender cause your old one broke only to find out it didn’t break, you just didn’t press the outlet reset button hard enough.

Kirk charging 90 bucks to perform six karaoke songs is fucking wild.

I have kept a baseball glove in my car for 5+ years just on the off chance that someone, someday might want to have a catch. It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m not giving up the dream.

It’s 2 A.M. (it’s 2 AM)
Fear has gone (the fear has gone)
I’m sittin’ here waitin’, (I’m sittin’ here waitin’)
The gun’s still warm. (the gun’s still warm)
Maybe my connection is tired of takin’ chances.

Yeah, there’s a storm on the loose.
Sirens in my head.
Wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead.
Cannot decode,
My whole life spins into a frenzy..

The problem when your computer automatically updates your software is that there is never any way to make it go back to the way it was.

Things feel like they are getting uneasier by the day between the Colts and Jonathan Taylor.

How are we supposed to know you are trying to get to Fenway Park for work if you don’t mention that’s where you’re going.

Funny how the box the garbage bags come in will always then end up in one of those garbage bags.

Does this mean the bubble has burst on fat guys sitting in chairs fake reacting to made up bets?

Alexi Lalas is why they hate us.

Putting Rich Keefe in the booth with Castiglione is a mind-blowing move. I’d rather hear audio of my conception.

This Barstool reacquisition news means Lil Jerry Thornton can go back to celebrating statutory rape!

Honk if you remember W.C. Heinz.

William Friedkin won’t be down as he appears to have taken To Live and Die in L.A. a bit too literally. RIP.

$150 for a hot dog safari ripoff. What a country. #GoPresGo

Dwayne Haskins?

I’ll admit I was growing concerned Trev Story was going to barricade himself in the Table Talk Pies building rather than report to Fenway.

Yesterday I got to run the wet vac for the first time in ages.

Do you think ESPN Bets will take my ‘Dave Portnoy will die without a will before 2029’ prop bet action?

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots come out of their first preseason game without announcing who their QB1 and WR1 are.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW posters Laszlo Panaflex and Jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.