(Originally published October 21, 2020 at BJBSJournal.com)
Luscious Juicy Sandwiches
Sounds anecdotal.
I’ve always wanted to fondle a pitching rubber and get John Tudor’s autograph, not to mention, put in writing how I feel about the trio of fartknockers that run this organization.
Voting at Fenway? Joe Moody must be quite busy today!
Sorry, folks. Never in my life heard of Twix. And many of you probably never heard of the Clark Bar. Anyway, everyone knows that if we were constitutionally restricted to one (1) candy, it would have to be Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. All you Twix freaks now have a moral obligation to go out and buy a month’s supply to keep your beloved candy in business.
Did you know the Red Sox traded Mookie? Zoinks!
Josh Allen? Not elite.
Cakes are cooking for Manfred Mann, Judith Sheindlin, Charlotte Caffey, Joey Harrington, and Kim Kardashian.
How many shares in the Red Sox do I have to buy to steal Linda from John? Would.
Steve Buckley coming out, and the fraud Ordway trying to come across as an advocate for sexual choice. He sat by silent while the revolving door of WEEI dickwads spewed anti-gay sentiment. Just recall when the gay marriage bill was in debate and how Glenn’s big ex-jock buddies ripped on that ad nauseum. They knew Buck was gay, and did this crap in his presence. Shame on Buck for his willingness to take a check at the expense of his own dignity, and shame on the gaggles of douchebags that put him in that dilemma. Don’t reinvent history and try to come off as supportive. All parties involved at WEEI are frauds and I’d expect nothing less at this point.
“Mother’s basement” is really a pre-WiFi insult. Now you can troll from anywhere in the house!
Also, I was today years old when I found out that Joe Buck is the son of Marv Albert. Gonna need a moment here.
Swishy. Sackface. And the Milkman’s Son. That’s it. That’s the post.
Last week, Dak Prescott gets hurt. This week, Dak Emrick announces his retirement. Some coincidence.
If Twix sponsored the ’67 Impossible Dream Red Sox Bobert would have crispy cookie and caramel smothered all over his mouth and down his chin every day.
You’re not changing my mind. In a way, never liking Kirk Minihane is an ADVANTAGE.
I wonder if there is a Boston Media Home for Little Wanderers? Butch Stearns and Pete Sheppard having morning coffee together. Doug Meehan cleaning the kitchen and complaining that Bob Lobel is a slob. Ted Sarandis coming home angry every night after yet another unsuccessful attempt to find a five dollar hooker.
Plain Black Hat is due to discover Midsommar next Summer.
Cool fall weather means it’s that time of year to stay inside, sit in a recliner in a dark room, and scratch your arms.
Tom Caron has always been a huge Liverpool FC. Yup, for sure, always.
If the day ends with a -y, then you can bet Trenni is on the hunt for men on Plenty of Fish.
He Got Game is retroactively bad because Ray Allen is a cunt.
Howdy, Taggers, Invisoneers, WordPressers and Slackers! This weeks Phrase that Pays is ‘Value-Pak Slap Mags!’ Honkies!
Does anyone know the fall hours at Whalom Park?
Can’t wait for the Red Sox Ownership Group to introduce Wally’s latest relative, ‘Financial Flexibility!’
Zoomy Zubes!
Mouse-wife to Mom-shell in the time it took to get that new tattoo, tattoo, tattoo!
Well actually, the building is no longer structurally sound and a family of 6 squirrels is now homeless. In this economy? How will they survive? This is what happens in Trumps America.
“Behind the Scenes at WCVB” That’s a book I’d buy… -Amalia Barretta…was she the reason for the breakup of Chet and Nat? -Frank Avruch…was he really a legendary swordsman? -Derm Keohane…most knew him as the ugly guy in the small box doing sign language on the morning news before closed captioning was invented…what you don’t know is what a prick he was!!! -Clark Booth…did he really have a larger porn stash than Bin Laden? -Captain Bob…his scandalous secret life and X-Rated etchings!!! -Jim Boyd…the shocking items he hid in his afro!
UMass football probably needed more practice time, too.
When are we finally going to cancel Pete Blackburn for misappropriation of gay culture?
Honk if you remember Mr. Magoo.
You can’t WFH an RPO!
Merloni, with his dyed facial hair and mop is resembling “the Great Svengarlic”, the fraudulent hypnotist that walked the Three Stooges out onto a flagpole.
It’s Wape Wice, for the good times.
Best bet for the weekend: Joe Buck overload.
If anyone needs me I will be out walking my pet rat, ‘Ronald.’
material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, other writers, league and team sources, and#the15 wereused in this column.Fare thee well, Robert LJ ‘HotDog’ “Bob from NH” Sandwich. You are missed.
Cakes are cooking for Neil Diamond, Michael Ontkean, Jumbo Ozaki, Yakov Smirnoff, William F. Readdy, Jools Holland, Nastassja Kinski, Rob Dibble, Mary Lou Retton, Tatyana M. Ali, Scott Speed, Scott Kazmir, Sean McVey, and Luis Suárez.
The nerds don’t understand football and the coaches don’t understand math.
Is the clam hockey team good?
Bill Barnwell looks like a credible suspect in the Zodiac Killer investigation.
GLX Reminder: Shuttle Buses replace service between North Station and Medford/Tufts this weekend, Jan 27-28, due to track work. Union Square riders can use Bus Routes 86, 87, or 91 to connect to shuttles or the Orange Line
MA Senator Ed Markey thinks Lukey Russert’s alleged ties to Buffalo are tenuous.
News Item: Rams’ defensive coordinator Raheem Morris is scheduling second in-person head-coaching interviews with the Falcons, Panthers, Commanders and Seahawks. He gets one more punch on his card and he gets a Dan Rooney-autographed football!
Tim Wakefield also endorsed the season ticket price increase from heaven.
At what point does some media member other than Dondero say that it’s fucked up that Jonathan and some PR lady are running football operations?
Doc is the Bucks coach? Doc is not the Bucks coach. Tommy is here? Tommy is not here?
Imagine saying a man looked “phenomenal.”
Just keep running Josh Allen like he’s Mike Alstott. That’s a sustainable plan for success.
Is Larry Brown coaching anybody now?
Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “STOP AND DIVE IF YOU’VE DONE THE MACARENA!”
I don’t know how official it is to be rated New England’s most versatile DJ.
Kyle Lowry is gonna get so fucking fat in Charlotte since he won’t have Jimmy Butler threatening to kill him if he eats another chicken wing.
I don’t trust people who use percentages arbitrarily.
Congratulations to Northeastern Woman’s Hockey on the Inaugural Woman’s Beanpot Championship! What? No, if there had been a Woman’s Beanpot before this year I think I would have heard about it.
Arthur Blank looks like the bad guy in every Three Stooges short.
I just learned like two days ago that Stanley drink tumbler isn’t the same Stanley that makes my box cutter and tape measure.
Nice mock draft, cumrag.
I had read every book from Michael Connelly but recently caught on to the TV series. Now having binge watched all nine seasons let me just say Titus Welliver IS Harry Bosch, and I can’t wait for season ten.
Tanner Houck looks 45 years old.
The opening seconds of that Shields MRI ad from 2019 featuring a member of the Patriots End Zone Militia has the same visual cadence as a presidential spot.
Is Bert Breer just gonna keep pretending that someone is paying him?
Honk if you remember Airwolf.
There really is no good way of teaching someone how to properly load a dishwasher without sounding like a condescending prick.
The REAL Damar Hamlin (Rest In Power) woulda had the first down.
Female stalkers are never hot.
You idiot, this isn’t a modern offense, it’s a contemporary offense!
They do it down on Camber Sands They do it at Waikiki Lazing about the beach all day At night the crickets creepy.
Squinting faces at the sky A Harold Robbins paperback Surfers drop their boards and dry And everybody wants a hat.
But behind the Chalet My holiday’s complete And I feel like William Tell Maid Marian on her tiptoe feet.
Pulling Mussels From The Shell. Pulling Mussels From The Shell.
Warning: If you find a bread clip on your tire, you are conflating your clickbait articles!
Ichiro deserves to be a unanimous selection for the HOF next year. Just as Griffey, Jr., Jeter, Beltre, etc. deserved it. Hopefully, that happens.
Doc’s first order of business: deport Thanasis Antetokounmpo.
Isn’t it bad to burn cash?
Every time you RT Thomas Carrieri he gets another zit and a nickel.
Shake the almond tree.
I hope The Sports Hub didn’t pick Jim Murray to express the station’s condolences to the Kyed family.
Who knew Abbottabad abutted Orchard Park?
We see you running ‘The Commisar Vanishes’ playbook, Jonathan.
Best bet for the weekend: mobile QB’s!!
“Buenos noches, amigos! Sam wanted me to say a few words about the upcoming season, but I have a better idear: let’s break my son out of prison!” [crowd boos]
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Take me I’m yours because dreams are made of this. Forever there’ll be a heaven in your kiss.
Dominic ‘Dom’ DeSantis was selected out of Miami Dade College in the 23rd round of the 1989 MLB draft by the Boston Red Sox. He did not sign with the club. He then attended the University of New Orleans and was selected in the 28th round of the 1990 draft by Baltimore. Opting to again remain in school, he was finally signed following the 1991 draft, having been picked in the 20th round by the Phillies. The right hander pitched 4 minor league seasons, accumulating a 2.92 ERA and topping out at the High A level. He retired after a poor showing for the Duluth-Superior Dukes of the Independent League. Currently a sales manager in the Tampa Bay area, he has not held public office.
Print your own card and play along at home during the intro presser! (stick tap @SportyRMcKenzie)
Before they bought the team the Krafts were probably shitty fans too. ‘Celebrity caller’ level knee-jerk dinks.
Those half Patriots half Cowboys hoodies are gonna go crazy.
The Good Kid is now in sole possession of 10th place in all time Bruins scoring list.
When Tom Werner said, ‘full throttle’, he meant, ‘due to a scheduling conflict, John W. Henry will be unable to attend the Winter Weekend event.’
WembyamaMania comes to TDGarden!
I don’t like NFL playoff games on Mondays (the originally scheduled one). They could have had 3 games Saturday, 3 games Sunday, and not stuck anyone with a short week in the postseason. It doesn’t seem fair.
Not sure why these players don’t copy Brady and go with a 1-millimeter full body wetsuit. Wouldn’t even know its cold and 1mm is not restrictive at all.
If you’re not Norwegian, you’re Mexican.
Cakes are cooking for James Earl Jones, Todd Susman, Steve Earle, Mick Taylor, Katalin Kariko, Steve Harvey, Chili Davis, Jim Carrey, Shabba Ranks, Jeremy Roenick, Derrick Mason, Zooey Deschanel, Dwyane Wade, Calvin Harris, and Jake Paul.
That is what the Eagles get for putting an offensive coordinator in charge of the defense.
The wrong local team is going full throttle.
I don’t think we appreciate enough how the centers know to snap the ball at a time it won’t bounce off the guy in motion.
Green Line Reminder: No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), and Heath St (E) due to track work. Use buses to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station. Regular service will resume Jan. 29.
Imagine being such a lazy piece of shit that you have to sniff chocolate instead of eating it.
This made me smiggle (that’s a word I made up, it’s smile + giggle)
I have been cancelled he screamed on ESPN while wearing a wifebeater.
Boston: hold my iced Dunkies.
So when is the town hall portion of this year’s Red Sox Winter Weekend?
A major offensive shakeup: The Saints are moving on from OC Pete Carmichael, per me and Tom Pelissero, changing their offense for the first time since 2009.
Hey gang of fabulous fabulists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m strong, athletic, and savvy.”
Has there ever been a major league baseball player who was older than the sitting President?
I enjoyed The Holdovers. My wife found it depressing. I thought it was uplifting. Maybe it was both. Either way, amazing actors.
The carousel is still churning.
Jonathan watching Succession and taking notes like it’s a documentary.
Did Football Cat go 5 for 6 over Super Wild Card Weekend?
Update: Brandon Carlo, Derek Forbort, Matt Poitras, and Linus Ullmark are practicing.
Hear me out here. I would respect the Kyed and Wojak expose from last week a lot more if they actually had to work for it, and weren’t just running PR for Mayo et al.
I think that’s the Snapchat logo above the Rams nameplates. Every. Single. Time.
Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger. Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger. Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.
Can’t you hear me knockin’? Ahh, are you safe asleep? Can’t you hear me knockin’? Yeah, down the gas light street, now. Can’t you hear me knockin’? Yeah, throw me down the keys, Alright now.
Hear me ringin’ big bell tolls. Hear me singin’ soft and low. I’ve been beggin’ on my knees. I’ve been kickin’, help me, please.
The Marcus Stroman return home to New York has its potentil story if his 2d half hip issue(24 IP, after 112.2 in 1st is cured):father Earl a New York policeman, HS Jr. Jayden Duke-bound SS w/R.Cano comp Height Doesn’t Measure Heat Foundation msgical. Cape 2010-11? 34 IP, 0 R
Better Call Saul and Cat Detective, both shut out in Emmy voting. Like equals!
That’s terrible dirt.
Honk if you remember ‘Goodnight Beantown.’
Breakfast lasagna!
Green Bay QB Jordan Love’s girlfriend’s father is Boston College alum Ron Stone.
Feel better, cupcake. You sound like Gina Gershon.
Tom Caron must stare out the window all winter waiting for spring training to start.
Jon Bon Jovi is lucky he got to ring the lighthouse bell when he did.
Welcome back, Anita.
To me, the essence of Bill Belichick is a visor, a whistle wrapped around his finger and teaching moments in late July. Checking on punt protection in a near corner of one practice field. Pulling an undrafted rookie aside for a pointer or two in a far corner of another field…
I’m sure eventually Dak will have more playoff wins than Ryan Tannehill.
Get up, Jim Irsay.
Happy trails, Coach Murphy.
Best bet for the weekend: a spirited fake QB slide competition in Buffalo.
This is a good billboard; no puzzling owl references.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Stop what’s goin’ on, stop what’s goin’ wrong. You better listen from now on.
And Happy Birthday to singer, songwriter, guitarist, author, and actress Susanna Hoffs.
Football Cat has graciously agreed to work the playoffs after very successful regular season. And so:
SATURDAY SUNSET
Browns (-2.5) at Texans
Tricksters versus wildcatters. ‘Stroud’ sounds like a cat warning growl, ‘Flacco’ sounds like one coughing up a hairball. Texans win.
SATURDAY PROWLTIME
Dolphins at Chiefs (-4.5)
Stupidly cold weather favors neither team. So playoff experience wins out. Kansas City gets the W.
If there are any other cheapskates interested in watching the Chiefs-Dolphins game you can get Peacock for free if you sign up for a free 2 week trial of Instacart+ (whatver that is). You don’t need to give them any real info, I just signed up with my burner email address and a fake name; I used’Morris Katz.’
SUNDAY SUNSET
Packers at Cowboys (-7.5)
Cows undefeated at home. Will that matter? Of course it will! Big D big W.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Rams at Lions (-3)
Sorry Shovey Sheep, but this is the only cat team in the playoffs. I’m going to be parochial.
MONDAY SUNSET
Steelers at Bills (-10)
Bisons don’t deserve to win after getting the game moved because of snow. But deserve got nothing to do with it.
Snow Cat. See what I did there?
MONDAY PROWLTIME
Eagles (-3) at Buccaneers
Buccaneers have momentum, Philly does not. The Pewter Privateers win at home.
Egads.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
I personally trust the judgment of the 82-year-old who got caught getting dirty oriental handjobs to do the best thing.
Bruins need to be less committed to not repeating as the Presidents’ Trophy winners, and also not getting any more upper or lower body injuries.
Every football game should be shown on SkyCam with no announcers.
Where the fuck did Nick Cattles get tens of thousands of dollars? Well, if he ever gets a job in radio, he can make that money back in 3 or 4 years.
Good job, good effort, Last Two Minute Report.
If NE needed to kick more FG’s Sunday they should have brought out Zolak to clear the ground.
Does anybody actually enjoy Pat McAfee?
Some feel that Michigan winning the NC will take Harbaugh to the NFL. I can’t believe that he’d leave his Alma Mater after winning a Natty. I’m sure we’ll know shortly.
I ain’t dying shoveling snow.
Cakes are cooking for William Sanderson, Edward ‘Colonel DeBeers’ Wiskoski, Rod Stewart, Donald Fagan, George Foreman, Pat Benatar, Shawn Colvin, Janet Jones, Jim Lindeman, Sarah Josephson, Glenn Robinson, Jake Delhomme, Shannon Kavanaugh, and Adam Kennedy
Dan Orlovsky wouldn’t wash those wet jackets after the Steelers-Ravens game; He’d just let them air dry and wear them again.
Just make Trent Brown the GM. All fix!
Women are constitutionally incapable of taking criticism.
Gallant Vrabes is a defensive guru; Goofus Bill saw the game pass him by.
If this Celtics lose to the Heat again than take a fucking bomb to this thing. That team has zero business on the same floor as them it’s embarrassing, they’re one Jimmy Butler three away from being 0-3 vs that team in the ECF. Nut up and beat their asses.
Red Line Braintree Branch Update: Southbound delays of about 20 minutes due to flooding near Braintree have cleared.
I don’t think 100,000 Dominican pesos are very many dollars.
Oh no, Hali. Hope he’s alright.
Belichick should stroll in wearing an Orchids of Asia sweatshirt and put his feet up on the old man’s desk.
If you are covering three NHL teams you are covering none.
The Mt. Calvary Crew team should not be eligible for the Division 1 Finals! Parochials should play their own kind!
Hey gang of wokesters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Mark Cuban is from Cuba you SPEDs.”
Only one feline team left for Football Cat to root for in the playoffs.
Nick Wright looks like a mashup of every weird friend in every teen comedy film from 1980-2010.
If I don’t have Will Flemming in my life anymore I’ll be livid.
The Progressive ads protecting people from becoming their parents never miss.
I’m definitely at the point in my life where heated seats are more for back pain than staying warm.
Brush your teeth, cumrag.
The greatest mistake the city of Boston made in terms of this was not figuring out a way to connect both North and South Stations especially during the Big Dig.
The Michigan win is definitely tempered by a Harbro being happy. Bleh.
Do people from Houston really care about the program that’s employed thousands, brought humanity into outer space, and exponentially accelerated technological developments including many of the things in our daily lives we take for granted? Yes, Albert, they do.
I always love it when someone says a car has a “yolk steering wheel.”
Introduce me to that big blonde. She’s got a touch of Tuesday Weld. She’s wearing Ambush and a French twist. She’s got us wild and she can tell. She loves to limbo, that much is clear; She’s got the right dynamic for the new frontier.
Well I can’t wait till I move to the city. Till I finally make up my mind To learn design and study overseas.
If you’re going to hire Vrabel you might as well just keep Belichick. Eh, Artie Blank finna give Vrabes the bag anyway.
Honk if you remember Spider Sabich.
I was rooting for Katie Nolan on ‘Celebrity Jeopardy.’ Sorrey!
Centrist Libertarians aren’t real and cannot hurt you.
Congratulations Theresa Schafzahl on scoring Team Boston’s first WPHL goal. Here’s to many more.
I’m sorrey but if you leave 4,000 cash out in plain sight you deserve to have your dog eat it once it’s unattended.
Understanding and anger are the deadliest of enemies. Understanding kills anger in most cases. Anger kills understanding in all cases.
Josh Allen’s gonna play for fifteen more years?
No TJ Watt against the Bills on Sunday. (Or against the Chiefs on Saturday, as Watt does not play for the Dolphins)
The song from the new IHOP commercial slaps hard.
If TurtleChode had hired Smaven instead of this other nutsack Bradl he’d be having a scorpion bowl at the Dragon 88 RN planning his next move, proly.
A: $1,702.00
Drew Carter is like if you gave a wetnap a really obnoxious radio voice.
I don’t talk to dead people.
Probably shouldn’t have let a criminal have your washable check, huh?
The league needs more drunk Irish GMs.
Best bet for the weekend: The Dolphins freezing up against KC in icy Arrowhead.
Not an officially sanctioned Immaculate Squids. Is there a solution?
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend jforb, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Clean this mess up, else we’ll all end up in jail. Those test tubes and the scale, just get it all out of here. Is there gas in the car? Yes, there’s gas in the caaar. I think the people down the hall know who you are.
Lots of teams resting starters in advance of the playoffs this week. I can understand that.
SATURDAY SUNSET
Steelers (-4) at Ravens
Will the Evil Birds take the gaspipe in the hopes the spirits conspire to keep Buffalo out of the ‘yoffs? Yes.
SATURDAY PROWLTIME
Texans (-1) at Colts
Wildcat Texans round up the Little Horsies.
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Buccaneers (-4.5) at Panthers
Bad year for the luckless Black Cats ends as it began.
Browns at Bengals (-7)
Stripey Cats are desperate, Browns have put the bag of tricks away until the playoffs. Cincy wins.
Vikings at Lions (-3.5)
Jungle Kings don’t want to go 3-3 in the division and won’t.
Jets at Patriots (-2)
Prediction: Pats Pirouette Past Planes
Falcons at Saints (-3)
The animals of God’s creation inhabit the skies, the earth, and the sea. They share in the ways of human beings. They have a part in our lives. Francis of Assisi recognized this when he called the animals, wild and tame, his brothers and sisters. Nevertheless, Saints win.
Jaguars (-5) at Titans
Spotted Cats disrespect the Titans.
Seahawks (-2.5) at Cardinals
Cardinals are real birds. Seahawks are not. Nevertheless, the False Birds win.
SUNDAY SUNSET
Bears at Packers (-3)
Da. Bears. Da Win.
Chiefs at Chargers (-3.5)
Chiefs win because of course they do.
Broncos at Raiders (-3)
This is the game that ends in a tie.
Eagles (-5) at Giants
Any NFC East team can beat any other NFC East team. Giants prove this in bad weather against the Phils.
Rams at 49ers (-4)
No Brock Purrdy, no matter? Not if the Shovey Sheep have anything to say about it. Rams win.
Cowboys (-4) at Commanders
Cowpokes want the #2 Seed. Won’t need much fancy ropin’ to get it.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Bills (-3) at Dolphins
Prediction: Payables Pork Porps.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
(Originally published October 4, 2019 at BJBSJournal.com)
Excerpts from the unpublished manuscript by Ms. Beatrice Kerr, which to date has been rejected for publication by; Esquire Magazine, LIFE, Sport, The Boston Phoenix, The Atlantic, Reader’s Digest, The Boston Globe Magazine, TALKERS Magazine, The Improper Bostonian, The Christian Science Monitor, Playboy, Vibe, The Lawrence Eagle Tribune, Art Monthly, Boston Magazine, The Wellsley Townsman, Yankee Magazine, Jet, digboston, Street & Smith’s Pro Football Draft Preview, EXPO Magazine, The Somerville Times, Radio Ink, Southwest: The Magazine, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Parrot World.
18 April 2008 – 11:39 AM Larry Johnson is excited. It’s a big sports time in Boston. All the local teams are active. The Celtics are about to start the playoffs. The Red Sox are off to a decent start and will always be the number one story. The Bruins are in the playoffs and winning. Even though Larry is enjoying the Bruins, he misses the old NHL and the fighting. No, really. Larry’s just being honest. He could lie and say he likes the finesse game, but that wouldn’t be Christian. So he admits that he enjoys seeing God’s creatures beating the bejesus out of one another. Except Larry pronounces that “be-hay-soos” because he doesn’t like to take the Lord’s name in vain. That’s a sure ticket to eternal damnation where Larry has heard the buffet is a big disappointment.
And the NFL Draft is coming up. Larry likes to think of himself as a bit of a self-styled NFL draftnik. He doesn’t really care much for college football (except for BC, where Jon Meterparel does a great job) and doesn’t really know any of the players but he finds the discussion fascinating and what’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with having a diversion from the vicissitudes of life? A welcome respite from things like plagiarism, lack of self respect and annoyingly persistent weight gain. Larry’s partner, Craig Mustard, doesn’t like the draft and tells Larry not to talk about it. Even though Craig and Larry kid around a lot on the air, Larry thinks Craig is a great guy and he does a great job. Just as all the guys at the station do. And the callers too. Great guys.
And the Boston Marathon is coming up. Larry’s hoping he gets the call to sit in on one of Monday’s shows. He has a hilarious riff on running that he uses every year that really breaks the guys up. “I can’t even drive 26 miles!!” and “hey, Pete, are you sweaty from running the Marathon or walking up the stairs??” and “I run to Shaw’s every weekend!!” and “I have congenital heart failure. Please help me. Guys, I’m serious.” He has a lot of fun with it and the guys at the station really seem to enjoy Larry’s humor. It’s a great place to work.
16 May 2008 – 4:32 PM Larry Johnson is torn. It’s the Friday before his Saturday morning radio show at WEEI. It’s a great place to work with a great bunch of guys. He and Craig Mustard argue a lot on the air, but it’s all in good fun. Larry prays for Craig, just as he does all of the guys at the station. Craig’s a great guy. He’s settled down and become a family man and Larry couldn’t be happier. Despite the fact that Craig once refused to donate his kidney to Larry when Larry lay near death even though Craig was a perfect match, Larry still thinks Craig is a great guy and he long ago put that ugly business behind him.
The reason Larry is torn about tomorrow’s show is that he doesn’t know how he will handle one of the hot button issues of the Boston sports week. He knows fans will want to talk about the Herald and John Tomase. Larry knows that fans will want to engage in personal attacks on John, who Larry thinks does a great job. Just as all the guys at the Herald do. Larry secretly hopes that the Celtics clinch their series tonight so he can talk about positive things. That’s what Larry likes to do. He thinks there’s far too much negativity in this town. He loves that Rick Pitino quote. He liked Pitino’s press conferences. He likes all press conferences. He finds it fascinating when the media questions people with microphones and cameras around. There’s always the possibility that someone will say something fascinating.
Larry likes to put a lot of issues on the table for the Saturday show. Craig jokes that Larry should be used to a full table. Larry laughs and then sometimes chokes because of his congestive heart failure, which is not funny but the pictures of his heart the doctor showed him are fascinating.
Larry hopes John Tomase can find spiritual guidance to carry him through these dark times. Larry likes to act as a sort of shepherd to his fellow man. But not like Pete Sheppard. That’s one of Larry’s favorite lines and he laughs a lot after it, sometimes without passing out.
In fact, Larry decides he’s going to call John after the show and offer to take him over to Lively Stones church. Not for a sermon, but for some fun. There are a great bunch of guys there who get together in the spirit of fellowship, faith and trans fats. He thinks John will fit right in. John’s a great guy and Larry would like to introduce him to Jesus, the greatest of great guys.
06 Jun 2008 – 2:10 PM Larry Johnson is depressed. It’s the day before his regular Saturday shift at WEEI with his old partner, Craig Mustard. Craig’s a great guy and a great high school teacher in an exclusive Boston suburb. Larry’s not a teacher but he spends his days drawing Glenn Ordway. The guys at the station have a lot of respect for Larry’s art. They kid him about the fact that he traces everything, but Larry just laughs and winces to hide the pain when they’re not looking. The fact that his life’s work has become a punchline makes Larry sometimes wish he’d followed his first calling: to be an aviator. Sometimes he still pretends he’s a pilot while he’s sitting on the toilet. But his large frame, flat feet, nearsightedness, high blood pressure, uncontrollable sweating, explosive flatulence, high glucose levels, webbed toes, compressed vertebrae, trouble swallowing, vertigo, respiratory problems and irritable bowel syndrome left him just shy of the physical requirements. So he put down his wings and picked up a pencil.
Larry likes who he is and he knows that the other guys at the station like him too. They call him “LJ”, which Larry knows is not a name you would call someone that you did not like. Sometimes Larry likes to drive over to the station just to be around the guys, even if he isn’t working. He sits on the other side of the glass with headphones on and watches Glenn and the guys work their magic. He mouths what he would say if he was on the air. He touches his hand to the glass. His heart flutters but not in a way that he recognizes he needs to hit his Medic Alert button. He sketches another cartoon of Glenn. This time he gives him purple pants. That’s a good one. Glenn will like that. He thinks about how much he wants to be a regular on the station. It hurts sometimes, but then the free food arrives. Larry is right where he wants to be.
02 Sept 2008 – 3:07 PM Larry Johnson is frightened. When Jason Wolfe asked to meet with him several days ago at TGI Friday’s, Larry figured something was up. He knew that heavenly appetizers and reasonably priced, cheese-covered entrees might not be the only thing on the menu. Before they could get through the third bucket of boneless wings, Wolfe got right to the point. He was relieving Larry and Craig Mustard of their weekend hosting duties. Larry tried to make a joke about the Red Sox and their relievers, and then about Pete relieving himself in the studio, but Wolfe sat stone faced across the family-sized vinyl booth, leaning back in his booster seat and folding his arms. Suddenly, the fancy lighting and welcoming décor that Larry always loved about the Friday’s chain started to spin. Larry felt his heart running faster than normal, his head growing light and his torso starting to sweat. And he hadn’t been near a flight of three stairs in weeks. Larry’s mind raced as he thought about how he might illustrate this moment. How can one trace the death of a dream? Just before he passed out, he saw a Rolling Stone tongue logo on the wall. He never knew Friday’s to be so edgy. And for the 12th time that day, Larry Johnson lost consciousness.
Larry awoke to find all the guys from the station standing over him. He was in the hospital. It turns out the boneless wings…weren’t. No one from the station had ever come to visit him before during his 372 recent stays. He was overcome with emotion. What a great bunch of guys! Who wouldn’t want Chronic Obstructed Pulmonary Disorder if it means the guys are going to come see you?
After that, how could he hold a grudge about getting fired? Just because a short man and great guy named Wolfe has taken away his only connection to humans, his access card to all the great guys at the station and free food, his purpose in life…why should he be upset? God only gives us as much as we can handle, a proverb Larry put to the test repeatedly at the Old Country Buffet. They do a great job over there. Really. Who would have thought you could put cheese right in the meatloaf? Not Larry. But they do. And it’s great.
Later that night, as he lay awake in his hospital bed, the ventilator working overtime hooked up to an auxiliary industrial strength turbine engine, Larry looked out at the night sky. And then it came to him…satellite radio! He picked up the hospital phone and quickly called Craig, who asked how he got his home number. Craig was always kidding. Larry told him about his idea. Craig said “Sirius?” Larry replied, “I’ve nevah been more serious in my whole life!” And the dream was born anew.
We at The Journal are glad to provide an outlet for Ms. Kerr, and hope she can find a publisher due to this publicity. She is welcome to publish other works, if any, here as well. @firegoodell3
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