Sour Sixteen 2024 Preview:

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Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:

Welcome to unHoly week! The Sour Sixteen, then The Hateable Eight, followed by Easter with the in-laws. I’m more excited than when I got that an 8-day late St. Patrick’s Day card.

Region C – Mike Felger (1) vs Shukri Wrights (NR) It’s a matchup of two carpetbaggers just trying to make it big in good old Beantown. We have the wild card, native New Yorker, and current Philadelphia resident, Shukri Wrights doing battle with the titan of New England sports media, Wisconsin’s own Michael Felger. It’s David vs Goliath, if Goliath was a cuckold germaphobe with granny glasses, and David was a walking malapropism cosplaying as a Bruins fan. Do your Bleav in Ramadan miracles? Me neither.

Chris Gasper (2) vs Rich Keefe (14) There’s no buzz about this matchup. Keefe has benefited from some weak competition in the first couple of rounds. Gasper has been quietly going about his business. He must be saving it for the regional final. Kid Gas low efforts his way through again.

Region V – Tom E Curran (1) vs Adam Jones (12) Jones has been getting more votes than he has listeners. It’s been a good run for the self-proclaimed “Sports Vulva”, but it ends here. Curran is the Carrot Top of the local hot takerz. He’s undoubtedly successful. He probably made you laugh once or twice 20 years ago, but now he’s just hanging on with the same old shtick and no one is quite sure how, or why. Tater Top moves on.

Dan Shaughnessy (6) vs Dan Lifshatz (2) It’s a Dan-off! If his latest column proves anything, it’s that Shank’s heart condition must be terminal. People will do/say/write the craziest things when they’re trying to avoid eternal damnation. I hope his Calling Hours don’t conflict with the Red Sox opener. In other Dan news, this weekend Lifshatz came out as anti-Caitlin Clark. He doesn’t “like the way she plays the game”. Too much flopping. I guarantee that no one ever saw Lifshatz flopping around on the University of Hartford’s tennis courts. Because he plays the game the right way? NO! Because he’s lying about playing Division 1 tennis! Lying Dan Lifshatz easily defeats the corpse of Dan Shaughnessy.

Region N – Mike Kadlick (16) vs Gabby Starr (13) Cinderfella vs Cinderella. Mike Kadlick recently gave a scouting report of Drake Maye. Since Kadlick “played” quarterback in college, you’d think maybe he’d make a salient observation. You would be wrong. Kadlick mentioned how Maye has a great arm and can throw to all three levels of the field. Kadlick then listed these levels as “left, right, and (long pause) center”. This is the kind of insight you get from a Division 3 scrub QB with a 47% completion percentage. Gabby Starr thankfully has not opined on the QB class of 2024. She’s been too busy basking in the afterglow of her brave pro-Tim Wakefield/anti-Curt Schilling article from last week. Say what you will about old Gabs, but she is willing to stick her nose in other people’s business. Hope may spring eternal, but I think Kadlick’s storybook run continues. (I’m literally crying while typing this.)

Mike Giardi (6) vs Jim Murray (2) A battle between two of the most thin-skinned Twitter tough guys in New England. If you haven’t been blocked by either of them, then you haven’t pushed back on one of their crappy opinions. Giardi is odious, but he is an irrelevant has been. Fired from the NFL Network, unwanted and unloved, with no employment opportunities, he finds himself clinging on to Greg Bedard as the remnants of his career quickly circle the drain. Jim Murray, and his deformed skull, are much more deserving off your scorn and your vote.

Region T – Tony Massarotti (1) vs Mark Daniels (5) UPSET ALERT! No one has been campaigning harder for votes in this tournament than Mark Daniels. Mortimer Snerd to Jonathan Kraft’s Edgar Bergen, Daniels has been mouthing the company line of the new look Patriots all across the Twitter-verse. Mazz is annoying, but he’s like stepping in dog shit annoying. Usually easily avoidable, but when he does get you, you’ve only got yourself to blame for walking into it. With the Red Sox irrelevant, and the Patriots in at least a two-year media gifted rebuilding grace period, don’t be surprised if the Beasley Media Group cost-cutters start taking a closer look at Mr. Massarotti.

Albert Breer (3) vs Andrew Callahan (2) There seem to be three kinds of people in sports media this millennia. The few who have beaten the odds and have an audience, the vast majority who are struggling for relevance, and the extremely lucky one’s who are trust fund kids who are “working” just to get out of the house. The later group can brush aside the lack of pay, because to them the exposure is the true reward. Something for mater and pater to brag about at the country club. Breer is the epitome of that group. He’s never had an interesting opinion or broken a story. Anything he writes or says is just the most banal of observations cloaked in faux insider double talk. He’s never had to worry about working for a living so he could afford to take no paying jobs and parlay them into airtime. He may be the most successful no talent in sports media. Andrew Callahan is a slug. He and the rest of his “media good guy” joy boys are in for a rude awakening. Callahan’s starts a little earlier than the others, as Breer breezes into the Hateable Eight.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

3/21/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

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It’s funny because it’s more bear costume-y than a regular hat.

I’m surprised Shohei Ohtani wasn’t aware that Asians love gambling.

The Celtics would have won by more if either or both of the Antetokounmpo brothers played last night.

Pastrnak has 19 career hat tricks? What a Good Kid he turned out to be.

You can tell by how the guy dribbles before taking the shot if random college basketball player X will drain the free throw.

Why wouldn’t a guy with a history of beard girlfriends also believe in ‘crisis actors?’

Put the Swifties in charge of finding out the truth about Kate Middleton. They’ll have the entire thing sorted and a song written about William inheriting the lying-n-cheating gene from his father before the Eras Tour streams.

What kind of maniac puts peanut M&Ms in cookies?

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, Trent Brown.

Cakes are cooking for Tom Flores, Timothy Dalton, Gary Oldman, Lynn Mabry, Slim Jim Phantom, Matthew Broderick, Al Iafrate, Kenny Bräck, Large Professor, Vitaly Potapenko, Marit Bjørgen, Ronaldinho, Franck Perera, and Adrian Peterson.

Love the info. Did a freshman year speech class…speech on that stuff. Very complex. (may have worn IRA sweatshirt as kid)

Red Line Update: Delays of about 25 minutes due to an earlier disabled train at Alewife.

Turtleboy out there saying you shouldn’t harass strangers on the internet because it’s a miserable way to go through life. Okay.

Mike Williams is signing a one-year deal worth up to $15 million with the Jets, per source.

Sweet potatoes are so yummy.

Former Red Sox catcher Oscar Hernandez signed with the Staten Island Ferry Hawks of the Atlantic League today.

A lot of LLCs file in Delaware because of their corporate laws.

That new Husky dog mascot UConn has looks psychotic. Maybe the pup needs to grow into his face a bit.

311 makes Sublime looks like N.W.A.

Hey gang of good listeners! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “He could give aspirin a headache.”

I was the first person in my school (and possibly a much wider geographical area) who had Pogs. My cousin from Hawaii brought them on a visit like a year before they hit the States in full.

The Big East is 0-3 in the NIT after day one.

Since the MLB season stated last night, should I assume that the President was there to throw out the first pitch?

Fun Fact: Kirk Herbstreit’s dog hates him.

Please make a note that the Toucher & Hardy ‘March Flatness’ bit about small-breasted celebrities has been stealth-edited into ‘March Plainness’. Evidently multiple of the contestants are breast cancer survivors. I’m sure 98 point Finn is halfway thru his expose.

Did you know Pat Spencer played lacrosse?

I do enjoy a Fanta Orange on a hot summer day occasionally.

We’re coming up to Greg Hill’s seasonal best ratings period, the ‘My car radio was tuned to WEEI because I was listening to the Red Sox game the night before.’

Tapas, yum.

Read, Karen-ST, S 5’5″, 130 – limited athletically due to stiff hips which hinder her backpedal and driving ability. Wood Hauler’s ass not conducive to defensive backfield play. Big hitter who will kill you if she catches you in open road but tackling ability isn’t strong enough for in the box play. Too slow in coverage to have impact at next level.

Could we have kippers for breakfast?
Mummy dear, Mummy dear?
They got to have ’em in Texas,
‘Cos everyone’s a millionaire.

I’m a winner, I’m a sinner;
Do you want my autograph?
I’m a loser, what a joker,
I’m playing my jokes upon you,
While there’s nothin’ better to do…
Hey!

My cousin and her boyfriend just went to Brazil. He shows up to Sunday dinner, plunks down on the couch next to me and asks if I wanna look at his vacay pics. I point to the tv and said “no.” It’s Selection Sunday. Please. What’s with these people?

Vermont 4 Lexington 3. It’s a Cupset!

Bill Simmons reportedly producing Boston Celtics docuseries for Max.

Aaron Rodgers quitting the Jets to run for VP for the crackpot independent candidate married to Cheryl Hines is by far the best way to conclude CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, kudos to Larry David for drawing this up.

Honk if you remember Hason Graham.

My two favorite Red Sox pitchers working in split squad games, both on TV. Bello is such a pleasure to watch pitch; always has been, from his first major league start. Tanner Houck is the guy I most root for, although sometimes it’s like rooting for a turtle to cross the road.

Why was Dart Adams excluded from the We Are the World documentary?

College basketball superfans are so weird. You’ve got 100 TV’s; one can be spared for golf and the group of people actually tipping their bartenders.

Real ones know to get the Kielbasa Reuben at Richard’s Grinders in West Springfield.

A five run first inning? Not the worst thing to ever happen to a Yamamoto.

We see it every year: a March Sadness competitor upping their game after they lose their matchup.

I heard Zach Edey just had another growth spurt and he’s 7’10” now.

Curt can’t make it for the Opening Day Ceremony, he’s getting his Luftwaffe uniforms let out that day.

Best bet for the weekend: Brackets. Ruined.

Hey, Ho! Let’s go!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Two Three Five!!

And Happy Birthday to Czech tennis player Karolína Plíšková.

March Sadness 2024 – Round of 32 Part 2

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it’s a slobberknocker!!

And now, the conclusion of the Round of 32. Some big names.

The polls remain open again until Midnight local time. Which is Eastern. Vote or die. (not really)

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In Search of Mike Kadlick

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Sent to us from Patrick in Andover del Norte:

The biggest shocker in March Sadness history was Mike Kadlick taking down #1 seed Ted Johnson. Johnson was seen as a heavy favorite to take this year’s title, whereas Kadlick was viewed as either flotsam or jetsam, whichever is worse. Kadlick is complete dark horse. A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.

Exactly who is Mike Kadlick? Let’s start with the basics, he is a Dedham High Graduate and can often be spotted at the Halfway Cafe. After high school, Mike matriculated at Worcester State University, graduating in 2019. While at WSU he was a quarterback on the football team. Opposing team’s scouting reports do not included any of the following words: fluid, hips, strong, arm, or good. During his senior year, he may have put up the most forgettable stat line at any level of college football: 49/115 (42.6%) 495 yards, 1 TD, 5 INT, 5 Sacks. Stats like that may look putrid, but they are still good enough to put Kadlick in the top 6 ex-athletes in local radio, behind Lifshatz, Meg-O, Wiggy, Fauria and Zolak.

After college he took a job writing at a fake media outlet, CLNS media, and now has moved on to write for a failing radio station, WEEI. The quality of his writing is equivalent to his quarterback play. He has a penchant to use lists as a crutch, he loves referencing and quoting other media outlet’s interviews, and includes way too many parenthetical stats. He writes worse than ChatGPT, but he probably works cheaper.. He has a pretty big Twitter following, over 11,000 pornbots. Certainly big enough to qualify him to appear on the “Bet with Josh Marion and Friends” podcast. I’m not a follower, but I did quickly glance through his timeline and it seems pretty benign. Mostly sports aggregation stuff, with a few normal shoepee comments from someone with dreams of working in the hot takez industry. Still nothing that can explain his stunning round 1 upset of Ted Johnson.

That left one last stone yet to be unturned. The “6 Rings Podcast”. Like most people, I have never listened to one second of this podcast. If you list “Fitzy” and “Jumbo” on the marquee of your podcast I’m avoiding it like the plague, but curiosity got the better of me and now I know why Kadlick is hated. His podcasts opinions are just a never-ending stream of contradictory nonsensical opinions, said with such conviction. The gist of it is “the Patriots have to make moves, and they better make the right moves, but you won’t be able to really tell in the short-term if these moves are the right moves, and they better make the moves mentioned in this podcast, which are obviously the right moves, unless they turn out not to be the right moves, but that is fine because speculation is what they have to do – ha, ha, ha, isn’t this funny.” Truly mind-numbing.

I don’t know if all these podcasts, are “live” shows on YouTube, but that seemed to be a big deal to Kadlick. He kept mentioning how many viewers they had, and to be fair, the numbers he quoted, over 5K, put Rich Keefe’s radio ratings to shame. I didn’t bother to check out the video version of the podcast, but I can’t imagine seeing the visage of Messrs. Hart, Stevens and Kadlick adds to the enjoyment. I recommend not listening to the podcast, but if you do, make sure it is at 1.75 speed – at least. That won’t improve the experience any, but it will get it over with quicker and save some of your brain cells.

Kadlick?

So who is Mike Kadlick? He’s just another in a long line of millennials who think they can turn their sports fandom into a career. In short, he is a loser, but in March Sadness losers become winners. On to today’s picks…

Region C: Kevin Paul Dupont (6) vs Rich Keefe (11) Rich Teeth will continue to get more votes than he has listeners and move on to the Sour Sixteen. Trenni Casey (7) vs Chris Gasper (2) This should be a close call. You can’t underestimate how much the voters hate Trenni, even changing her last name couldn’t fool them. Kid Gas, always the Bridesmaid never the bride, may not even make it to the wedding party this year. The year of unexpected upsets continues as Mrs. Casey advances.

Region V: Dan Shaughnessy (6) vs Fred Toucher (3) Expect Toucher to win and claim The Jack Kevorkian Memorial Cup. Mike McCarthy (10) vs Dan Lifshatz (2) Lifshatz’s bankrollz McCarthy, and waddles on.

Region N: Mike Kadlick (16) vs Mark Dondero (8) Kadlick’s Cinderella run continues as he dominates a flailing and gesticulating Dondero. Karen Guregian (5) vs Gabby Starr (13) In today’s distaff contest, expect Gabs to win by a nose.

Region T: Tony Masserroti (1) vs Chris Curtis (9) A matchup of the two radio personalities recently suspended for casual racism last year. Mazz nips Curtis. Scott Zolak (4) vs Mark Daniels (5) It’s a “Sophie’s Choice” matchup for Jonathan Kraft. Daniels may have a pipeline to the front office, but Zolak ruins everything., The fireworks have been postponed again, Zo survives.

Don’t make me have to choose!

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

2024 Mediot Madness Day 3 Finals

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The 7 seeded Bob Ryan has more free time to yell at clouds now. No other upsets yesterday. Kudos to those perceptive enough to realize the Patriots beat writers are the ACC equivalent in this tournament. Thank you to all who clicked, visited, voted, and especially to those who donated to the site during the opening round. Sixteen matchups over two days next week in the neither rhyming nor alliterative Round of 32.

FREE AGENT FRENDZ(ONE)

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NOW I LIKE MAYO SO DONT START WITH THAT “OH YOU NEVA POSTD A SQUARE ON IG.” I SIMPLY POSIT WHY ON EARTH WOULD THEY NOT GET RIDLEY IN A ROOM? IT ALWAYS WORKS. (I EE) ONE TIME I WAS CHATTING WITH A YOUNG LADY ONLINE TRYING TO HELP WAYNE LOSE HIS AHEM PURITY WHEN I WAS INVITED TO HER PARENTS HOME A FEW TOWNS AWAY. MUCH TO MY SHAGRIN WHEN I ARRIVED LUCY WAS NOT THERE BUT INSTED IT WAS A 47 YEAR OLD MAN NAMED GREG. NOW GREG KNEW I WAS LEGIT BUT I LURNED A VALUABLE LESSON THAT DAY. IF THEY GOT RIDLEY IN A ROOM AND HE TRIED TO LEAVE THER WOOD BE CAMERAS AND PEOPLE WOOD BE LIKE “WHEAH YA GOIN” “SHE WAS 14” “JUST BECUZ THERES NO TAXES IN TENESEE DOESNT MEEN ANYTHING ROBYN GET THIS MAN A BOLONEY GRINDA STAT”

SOME PEEPL SAY BELLYCHECK WAS FULL OF BOLONEY

I REELY LIKE WHAT THEY AH DOING BY GETTIN RID OF BELLYCHECK AND FEECHURING MAYO AS HE APPEALS TO THE URBAN PLAYER MORE. BUT RITE NOW THE PATS ARE IN THE FREE AGANECY FRIENDZONE. EVERYBODY FLURTS WITH THEM BUT THEY NEVA SEEL TEH DEAL. PUT IT THIS WAY. I CANT RELATE. BACK IN MY DAY I TAMED MOAH PUSS THAN PI FROM LIFE OF PIE. IRONICLY MY BETROTHED ENDED UP SIMILAR IN STATCHA TO RICH PARKER BUT I DIGRESS. AS WE ALL KNOW IF YOU WANNA GET OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE YOU GOTTA INSULT THEM. SO OBVIOUSLY THEY AH IN A ROOM BUT THEN BE LIKE PEE F F SAYS YOUR A 55.9 LOL BE MORE AVERGAE YOU CANT. THEYLL SIGN FASTA THAN AN ASL INTERPRETA AT A BUSTA RYMES CONSERT.

ILLEGAL SHIFT LOL

IF ALL ELSE FAILS YOU CAN SIMPLY TELL THEM YOU REALLY LIKE THEM. LOOK THEM RIGHT IN THE EYE. MAYBE A GENTLE TOUCH ON THE SHOULDER. A GLAS OF WINE. SHARE A LAFF. ASK THEM QUESTIONS ABOUT THEIR FAMILY. BE OPEN AND VULNERABLE. KISS THEM IF THEYA GAY. ITS TOTALLY FINE. OTHAWISE ITS GONNA BE BRISSET COMPLETE TO POP FOR 4 ON 3RD AND 22 AND OUT COMES BARINGA TO PUNT FAH A RECORD 16TH TIME IN THE FIRST HALF. NOBODY WANTS THAT.

Wayne’s Fatha is a die-hard Boston sports fan and irrepressible commentator to message boards and comment threads. He lives in the Merrimack Valley. He is Wayne’s Father.

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