The 15

With the St. Louis Rams of Inglewood (CA) winning SB LVI, I’m happy for Sony Michel, but mostly for Cooper Kupp. Obvi.

Boston University wins 2022 Beanpot; the Terriers short, regional nightmare is over.

Celtics? Worst team riding a nine-game winning streak in all of sports.

Tuukka Rask overshadowing Marisa Ingemi is soooo hockey of him.

Cheered to see that Richard Seymour will be duly enshrined in the Football HoF. More, please.

Well I’m glad that cryptocurrency can never go the way of, say, Pets.com!

Big ups to the IOC for averting an invasion of Ukraine by overturing the suspension of that doped-up 15-year-old Russian figure skater. (Editor’s Note: Please disregard if the scheduled Russian invasion transpires.)

Cakes are cooking for LeVar Burton, John McEnroe, Andy Taylor, Bebeto, Larry Jones, Elizabeth Olsen, and, ladies and gentlemen, The Weeknd.

Ahmad Rahad may still have the lead, but Bill Belichick is coming up fast on the rail in the Worst Friend Picker Derby.

The league, er, Association is propping up the 22-36 Spurs.

Why didn’t Tom just ask Easterby to Jesus the footballs to the desired PSI?

I’m sorry but why would a non-hierarchical relationship be looking for a term that’s the equivalent of a hierarchical one? If you have the equivalent of a primary partner, don’t you just have a primary partner? Am I missing something here?

Whatever, Brookline.

Andre the Giant absolutely stacked up and then pinned six midget wrestlers.

Marisa Ingemi is again a free agent.

I know it is not practical, but a fun option would be to poll the fans arriving at the park on whether they want to see a DH or pitchers batting. One ticket, one vote. The teams don’t know until game time which way it will go. Think about it; lot of fun.

Why are there power lines in these bruise evidence photos?

I was recently made aware of a few offensive tweets I made when I was in my late 30’s that have since been addressed. I wanted to apologize if I’ve ever offended anyone on that platform. I’m not the same person I was when I was younger & I’m committed to being a better person everyday.

Have you ever used pink Himalayan salt?

It’s a great feeling when that giant frozen-over hunk of snow finally flies off your car’s roof when you’re on the highway. Liberating, really.

Losing to the US in Olympic Hockey serves Canada right for beating us at the soccer.

Only the ephemeral lasts.

Nice suit, Jimmy Harden. I didn’t even know someone had an ‘ Urban Herman Munster’ collection. Looks good on you, though.

No, really: how many people are in the Dick Butkus twitter account writers room?

Giada could make a can of sardines seem appetizing.

When did OBJ become America’s Sweetheart?

Some dink commented on one of my articles saying he hasn’t seen a good piece from me yet. How brave of you to bash someone’s work while you hide behind a fake name! Try writing about a sport during a months-long lockout when there’s no real news and then you can talk shit.

Gotta say that Jacobellis snowcross run haven’t jumped out of my seat cheering like that since a Phelps race.

Marisa Ingemi is no longer a free agent.

Between Ivan Reitman and P.J. O’Rourke, it’s been a sad week for Harvard/National Lampoon alums. RIP.

Lechina.

Zero carbohydrate Budweiser must be pretty tasty, huh?

I don’t know if Mina is going to be able to smirk her way past all the Angry Philly Fans.

Hey gang of true romantics! This week’s Phrase that Pays is; “To my best friend and the love of my life. The one. The love”

Is David Chase broke?

You’re telling me none of the Gamgees or Brandybucks or Tooks or even the Sackville-Bagginses could have taken care of Ben Volin’s sick family, forcing him to miss covering the Super Bowl?

Honk if you remember Glick University.

I keep hearing about these Overton Windows: is that the manufacturer Johnny Pesky was associated with?

Big bottom
Big bottom
Talk about bum cakes
My gal’s got ’em.
Big bottom
Drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?

Don’t feel bad Cincinnati. You still have inedible chili, Pro Football Focus HQ and Jimmy Koch’s airport and bus station main brewery.

Cedar Waxwings! Right outside! Did you see them?

I hear it took fifteen takes for that T-Mobile commercial with Miley Cyrus before they got one where she didn’t have a wardrobe malfunction.

A skit that’s like Plato and Socrates on Around the Horn…is this anything?

Fun fact: The Goodyear Blimp is the official bird of Redondo Beach, California.

So when is Super Bowl SBK?

Since you asked, the federal government specifically divides YOUR tax dollars between Israel and gay abortions. Just yours.

Slovakia? That’s like half a real country now! You can’t be losing to them! Bad hockey team! Bad!

Ask more questions! I can’t! Or can I?

Have a Happy John Valentin’s Day this Friday.

Best bet for the weekend: pitchers and catchers not reporting.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. The15 remind you to clear all snow and ice from your vehicle before taking to the roads.

Two U’s Two K’s, no more B’s.

Is China Fatigue a side effect of COVID-19? Because I do not care about the Olympics this go around.

Whatever happened to the Brooklyn Nets dynasty?

I see Elway finally sobered up enough to draft a statement.

As coach of the Celtics Bill Fitch lived on the 33d floor of a high rise within easy walking distance of the Boston Garden. He called his apartment “The Bird’s Nest.”

What if a team hired both Almost-a-coach Bedard and Mina Kimes!? PTT!!

Sorry – I fucked this up.

So how many people are in the Dick Butkus twitter account writers room? 50? 100?

Cakes are cooking for Glenn McGrath, Svetlana Boginskaya, Georgios Korakakis, Charlie Day, Vlad Guerrero, and Airton Daré.

All the lugers should have to go at the same time.

A quick note about our friend Steve: I’ve never seen someone so bad at fighting want to fight so bad.

Coffee rolls are not doughnuts.

That kid Holmgren for Gonzaga has the body frame of Meghan Ottolini. Great personality!

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “I want to hear him say it.”

Aw, Puck the Fenguins anyway.

Considering getting one of those sheepskin steering wheel covers. I will not be taking questions about it at this time.

According to Joe Rogan, Mike McDaniel hit the genetic lottery.

Maybe he should go by Mikal, or Mychal?

Northeastern vs. Boston University in the Beanpot Final. Who do you like?

So Troy Vincent and Jeff Pash, huh? Not surprising. Underdog in the cartoons had a bigger rotating villain list than the Patriots.

Love something as much as Peter King loves riding to work with coaches like a total lunatic.

For a 10 song album, Coldplay’s “Parachutes” goes hard in the paint man. #Music

I don’t care what time of year it is or how shitty the weather is. I always get giddy flying back into Boston.

There are sales to be had at Dollar Tree.

Alfonso Ribierio hit 3 shots Friday at Pebble Beach better than any pros in the tournament.

Doc Rivers, an NBA Top Fifteen Coach, and Alex Hannum isn’t?

Maybe Felgy sent his wedding ring out to get brought in a size? He does look like he’s lost weight.

Is Mina Kimes responsible for her thirsty Travis Bickles?

Sorry, Rhody. Nice job, UMass.

“That fat old guy at the bar might be Joe West; he might not be. Better pay for his drink, just to be sure, Boston.” -Bob Ryan.

Lindsey Jacobellis with a gold medal performance. Turin was a long time ago.

Can’t you help me as I’m startin’ to burn (all alone)
Too many doses and I’m starting to get an attraction
My confidence is leaving me on my own (all alone)
No one can save me and you know I don’t want the attention.

So sorry you’re not here
I’ve been sane too long, my vision’s so unclear
Now take a trip with me
But don’t be surprised when things aren’t what they seem.

A belated farewell to the late Howard Hesseman. His Dr. Johnny Fever character infamously wound up at WKRP after getting fired from a Los Angeles station for saying ‘booger’ on-air. Booger. The past is a different country.

Imagine knowing what happened in a skills competition?

Honk if you remember Cleveland Gary.

Nah. You get murdered on a dunk, it gets talked about.

A real phone booth NASCAR race over at the Colosseum last weekend.

In six weeks there will be a warm rain, and the ground will turn green. May kindness follow your sorrows, as surely as the spring will follow the cold.

If you don’t want to argue, keep the nonsense to yourself.

You may have dodged a bullet not falling in with that pack of Holy Joes down Houston way, BFlo.

Gerald Williams won’t be down to charge the mound.

Hearing whispers there’s no truth to the rumor that Ben Volin’s in Louisiana trying to find Sci-Fi stadium.

I get styled for Super Bowl week. I roll out of bed in NYC.

If you haven’t invested in wireless headphones yet in 2022; what are you doing with your life?

Upton Bell’s nerve to accomplishments ratio is too high!

You done your grandma wrong, Donald Driver, and now she has to haunt you for the rest of your days.

Nobody brags about living in Sacramento.

Best bet for the Weekend: a win for the McVay coaching tree.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.  I hope The Rev was sufficiently avenged.

Having just gotten my COVID booster shot, I was pleasantly surprised to find it also provides immunity from Olympic Fever.

Congrats Big “David” Papi Ortiz. Did the Hall of Fame call Identical Best Friend Sixto first by accident?

Celtics win in a squeaker! Heh heh heh.

Why are people acting surprised a dude is good at trivia?

NFL loves six-hour pre games and 90 second post games.

If I hear one more national pundit tell me they would take Aaron Rodgers over Tom Brady in a big game clutch situation I will gladly show that pundit a video of the Packers losing to the 49er’s and tell them..I rest my case.

Cakes are cooking for Anita Baker, Wayne Gretzky, Andrew Ridgley, Lou Frazier, Vince Carter, and Sarah Rue

Drambuie?

I bet that Erika Nardini can correctly load a dishwasher.

In his intro press conference, new #Giants GM Joe Schoen says of QB Daniel Jones: “We’ll build an offense to accentuate what Daniel does best.” A strong show of support for the starting QB.

Orange Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

All the journos love a good nickname as it sounds like they know the person.  Peter King loves a good Wink or Booger or Peanut. 

Cooper Kupp? Sneaky fast. Perhaps even gritty.

Tom Rinaldi is first and foremost a company man – he thinks white bread is risqué.

Yes, yes, we know; ‘his name is Robert Paulson.’ Be more tedious.

Tom Brady definitely has to play another season to try and keep his stats out of the reach of Josh ‘Ceiling Unlimited’ Allen.

Did Jeff Kent get in?

Of late, Aaron Rodgers has been telling his friends that he’s considering boycotting the NFC Championship.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “I just wish I could do what I want without getting attacked every week.”

If asked to do so by their managers, could the better MLB starting pitchers go nine innings 10-15 times a year?

Imagine driving in your car and listening to Adam Jones?

Maybe Curt Schilling would benefit from trading a few items of memorabilia with Darren Rovell. Always good to diversify your portfolio.

Sweet flophouse, Jules.

Has something changed? Are kids no longer so ill that hospitalization is no longer needed? – Anthony Fauci, MD

Pro tip: have Greg Dickerson check to see if the ice is safe!

Told you, baby, one more time
Don’t make me sit all alone and cry
Well, it’s over I, know it but I can’t let go

I’m like a fish out of water, a cat in a tree
You don’t even want to talk to me
Well, it’s over, I know it but I can’t let go.

Is ‘Acho’ the Igbo word for ‘JAG?’

You let Rosie Langello leave for Alabama! You did! You did!

Honk if you remember the Yao Ming Wing and Sing.

Nothing like reaching into the just-stopped clothes dryer and finding that 140-degree metal zipper with your hand.

Is Big Papi’s HOF acceptance speech going to have subtitles?

He’s well actually-ing about maize, which your people call corn.

Brady better drop another retirement hint, the attention has been off of him for the last 45 minutes.

Best bet for the weekend: Wovel weather.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Lebron, and the members of #the15 were used in this column.

Thanks a lot, Patriots defense for ruining Mac’s shot to become the first rookie to win a Soupey.

The Red Sox will start selling single-game tickets Friday despite the ongoing MLB lockout threatening the beginning of the regular season.

Willie. Eldon. O’Ree.

In the market for an XL Carmelo Anthony Syracuse jersey if anyone can help. I had one lined up but it got sold.

If they don’t like Bill’s peaches they should stop shaking his coaching tree.

Celtics trade for Bol Bol and PJ Dozier, sending Juancho Hernangomez in a salary dump/luxury tax avoision relocation to San Antonio. Bol Bol?

DJ Bean is afraid to debate @FromPeabody, fact not opinion.

I guess BHS’s Coach Fonzi lost his cool? Sorry. I’ll see myself out.

Cakes are cooking for Dolly Parton, Katey Sagal, Chris Sabo, Luc Longley, Frank Caliendo, and Annie Miller.

Did Roethlisberger get more of a Dan Marino sendoff, or a Joe Montana sendoff?

The best jokes always have the longest explanations.

The question isn’t ‘does Darren Rovell collect murderabilia?’ The question is whether he has a disturbingly large collection of it.

Missed this yesterday, but an absolute gem from Andy Reid when asked if winning a Super Bowl makes him hungrier to win another. “Well if you like chocolate cake and you eat a piece, then you have one dangling in front of your face, you’re probably gonna want to eat that too.”

Cornish game hen prices? Oddly inflation resistant!

It doesn’t bother me when casual fans who happen to watch MCU films have no idea who the Eternals are or the significance of the Celestials to the Marvel Universe or who Dane Whitman is or about the curse of the Ebony Blade even though I’ve been reading about them since 1978…

So there’s an Angry Bruins Reactions Guy, apparently? The things you learn.

First time in a limousine, “doctor?”

Red Line Update: The work scheduled for this weekend, Jan 22 – 23, has been cancelled due to the weather.

It’s been twenty years since Walt Coleman just made up the Tuck Rule on the spot to save the Patriots and they all got away with it. Where does the time go?

Have more dried-out tubes of super glue. You can’t!

Everyone forgets this, but Patriots center David Andrews had a famous uncle: Evel Knievel.

Hey gang! (nervous cackle!) This week’s Phrase that pays is, “It is time for us to do what we have been doing. And that time is every day.”

How the genuine fuck do people ostensibly ‘in sports’ not know it’s the ‘Carson Palmer Rule?’

Another Mikey took a knife while arguing in traffic.
Flipper died a natural death, he caught a nasty virus.
Then there was the ever-present football player-rapist.
They were all in love with dyin’, they were doin’ it in Texas.

Paulie caught a bullet, but it only hit his leg.
Well, it should have been a better shot, and got him in the head.
They were all in love with dyin’, they were drinkin’ from a fountain.
That was pourin’ like an avalanche comin’ down the mountain.

Honk if you remember Lotus 1-2-3. Only took a half dozen floppy disks to install it.

Have ya Hurd about Buddy?

DJ Bean love constructing strawmen that he can argue against and then suck off afterwards.

How ’bout them Cowboys?

Arguing with people who don’t understand research is like swimming in a bathtub.

Finally caught up on Peacemaker and it’s absolutely wild, just like I wanted it to be. I’ve been saying it for a while, but Cena has some serious acting chops, man.

My weight loss secret? Lightly broasted chicken.

Nice job Australia. Good luck getting me to watch your Tournament now!

I have that same Carhartt watch cap!

Jackson Mahomes is lucky Ben didn’t corner him in a bathroom.

Only one of us eats fish on Christmas, weirdo.

Belated congratulations to Tom Werner for finding his tabula rasa in Jennifer Ashton.

Best bet for the weekend: constant reminders that Tom Brady is older than all the remaining NFC head coaches he could face in the playoffs!

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Beaker, and the unblocked members of #the15 were used in this column. Cinnamon and sugary and softly spoken lies, you never know just how you look through other people’s eyes.

You’re limping into the playoffs! You are! You are!

Jon Lester should have been a Red Sock for life. There: I said it.

With friends like Antonio Brown, right?

To be fair to Nic Dowd, Marchand’s face is mostly nose.

The last time I try to contribute to the morning email chain outside my lane. Totally my fault. I do a million things on Tuesday mornings, came up on my Twitter feed, passed it along. I ran a lap.

Maybe don’t break up the Celtics roster?

Tony Dungy and Jeff Fisher could have colluded their way to a tie game, caller!

First NBC 80’s sitcom star Betty White, then ABC 80’s sitcom star Bob Saget. All I can say is be careful, CBS’s Kate &/or Allie!

Cakes are cooking for Kirstie Alley, Rockne S. O’Bannon, Jeff Bezos, Raekwon, Scott Burrell, Melanie Chisholm, and Dontrelle Willis.

Wait, maybe Peter Scolari from Newhart was the one death from a CBS 80’s sitcom, Maybe a FOX sitcom star is next in line?

Bruins gelling offensively just in time to get veteran netminder Tuukka back? Giddyup!

Thank God for raisins.

It’s been said before but Ian Rapoport always including 2 seconds of Kay Adams at the start of these clips he retweets is genius. Otherwise I’d keep scrolling.

You know who are underappreciated in our modern society? Eversource Energy executives, that’s who.

The #Bucs designated three players currently on injured reserve to return to practice: LB Lavonte David and RBs Leonard Fournette and Giovani Bernard.

The simps will pay for the overnight.

The Little Debbie double decker Oatmeal Creme Pie is inferior to the original version.

Hey Gang of Hyperlocal Beaneaters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The topic has been lightly broached over the years.”

Everyone forgets this, but Patriots center David Andrews had a famous great-uncle: Alex Karras.

Is Kool Moe Dee saying that Lauryn Hill is the Mina Kimes of rappers?

Blue Line Update: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance vehicle being moved into the yard. It’s clear at this time.

The Sox Pax are sold out? People still think baseball will start on-time, even with the lockout.

Personally, I like having fewer head coaches on opposing teams with institutional knowledge about Bill Belichick. Seems good.

1/8/54 (Elvis’ 19th birthday). Villanova’s Bob Schaefer’s 46 vs Baldwin-Wallace breaks Palestra scoring record of 45 held by teammate Larry Hennessy. How do I know? Bobert Ryan was there.

Oh good. A Bishop Hendricken alum won a National Championship. Yay.

You could do a great sitcom, Babe and Lou, setting up the Wild and Crazy guy against the Solid Citizen. Show them interacting with other 1920s superstars, Charlie Chaplin, Big Bill Tilden, Ty Cobb, Jack Benny, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Mary Pickford, Charles Lindbergh. Could be fun.

Ok. Thanks.

What’s the point of being the #1 ranked tennis player in the world if that doesn’t afford you special treatment?

It’s almost like there’s no correlation between being having a thousand yard rusher or reciever or having players win an entirely subjective Player of the Week award, and being a playoff team.

Hanging out, down the street.
The same old thing we did last week.
Not a thing to do, but talk to you.

There wasn’t one person wondering if Sam Jones III was Sam Jones’ grandson.

Notice me again, Jeff Kent!

A big thank you to Bradybrand.com for setting the market price for sweatshirts. The15 merch store will follow their lead!

Honk if you remember the Sav-Mor Discount Liquors sign.

Life hack: repurpose the resealable bags underwear is packaged in to store your breakfast cereal! No more stale Cinnamon Toast Crunch Chocolate Churros!

Steve Belichick’s dream job is to coach the Giants.

Weirdest part of that Beach Boys episode was that they not only had the time to meet with this random family hours before a concert, but that they also did it in San Francisco when their concert was clearly held at Dodger Stadium.

Maybe Bill’s Coaching Tree is a Baobab.

Play the honkies, Ime!

Whoever is reading this to Ganger tell him to get well soon.

Best bet for the weekend: media giving the fans an Adrian Balboa pep talk about NE’s chances in frigid Buffalo.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the remaining members of #the15 were used in this column. The15 is a family.

Drive slow, drive safe. Bad road condtions out there in this town, right now.

I hope someone told Kristian Wilkerson the Jonas Gray story.

Dan Reeves got Harry Reid-ed.

A friend of mine who’s been in the industry a long time once warned me that Rob Manfred keeps a list of people/sites that criticize him and that it would be better for my career aspirations not to get on it. But if Ken Rosenthal isn’t safe, no one is.

Carl Davis has already played enough snaps this season to earn his NLTBE 20% playing time incentive. It is worth $25K.

Pasta. Once agan a goal scorer, always a Good Kid.

Re: Antonio Brown, I though only Bill Belichick cut players just before they reached invectives.

Cakes are cooking for Robert Divall, Clancy Brown, Vinnie Jones, Franck Montagny, January Jones, and Ronnie O’Brien.

There’s an All Madden documentary available on NetFilms. Check it out.

For Pete’s sake Ma, if eating that many cashews makes you sick, don’t eat that many cashews.

Even with his great play, making Bill smile is by far the most impressive thing Mac has done this year.

I think #the15 has found their eugooglizer in Anita.

Thanks for American International College for coming through and scheduling URI in basketball at the last minute.

Why can’t I find any store-brand duplex sandwich cookies?

I bet Chandler Jones left the Twitter DM group chat right before he unfollowed Kyler Murray.

Blue Line: Delays of up to 20 minutes due to a power problem between Aquarium and Bowdoin. Trains may be be asked to stand by or be crossed back for service.

Mina should and could be working high up in an NFL Front Office. Haters don’t realize how good she is.

I’m from Boston. We don’t have strong accents. You can’t get on me about my accent.

You could pair Marc Bertrand with Paul Perillo and miss nothing.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester trains on the inbound platform (track 5) at Back Bay and Lansdowne today.

Darryl Stingley. Google him. You will understand why I have it.

News Item: The Washington Football Team is getting a new name on February 2nd.

Becky Hammon leaving the NBA to return to the league she played in, for a WNBA record head coaching deal-only proves the power and potential of the league itself- and it’s one of the most badass and empowering moves I’ve ever seen.

I don’t even like Big Ben and I’m crying. what the fuck is happening to me.

Muffet vs. Geno? Team Muffet.

You would have to be a real Tonestradamus to predict that Antonio Brown would pull a nutty.

UMass’s Own Cale Makar.

It’s shocking the players aren’t siding with the commissioner in the middle of a lockout.

Honk if you rembember The Yum Yum Shop bakery chain.

Now go out and get yourself some big black frames.
With the glass so dark they won’t even know your name.
And the choice is up to you ’cause they come in two classes;
Generic aviators or cheap sunglasses.
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!

I’m not saying Mina sent the email. But I’m also not not saying that.

There’s just one week left in the regular season and Derrick Henry – who has been out since Halloween – is still 6th in the NFL in rushing yards.

Having a kid to save the marriage always works out.

Man, some of those college football Bowl Games! Amirite?

Rest in peace, Jim Corsi.

The latest Spider-Man movie was pretty good; I just wish they would explain how he acquired those amazing powers.

Happy Anniversary to the Pat Sullivan/Matt Millen fracas.

Best bet for the weekend: N’Keal Harry redemption tour kicks off in Miami.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, BSMW poster Rickkyboy and the remaining members of #the15 were used in this column. 

John Madden. He’s with the turduckens now.

Poor JB man. Losing half a tooth on Christmas is some shit.

Harry Reid done got Farrah Fawcett-ed.

Do Barstool employees have an explicit mandate that you must suck Portnoy’s dick 24/7, or is it like some sort of stolen valor persecution complex?

The food court is the best part of the mall.

Have the Buffalo Sabres won games at the TD Garden in back-to-back seasons? Because that means something.

Pattinson is guaranteed to be in my Batman top 3. He’s gonna crush this role, these trailers are only fueling my hype even more.

Im so old I can remember way back when everybody used to whine about there being too many bowl games.

Cakes are cooking for Ted Danson, Sean Payton, Margot Thien, Theo Epstein, and Alison Brie.

I dug the first episde of #BookofBobaFett as I think most hardcore Star Wars fans will. The return to Tattooine and so many familiar creatures and settings always put a smile on my face. Feels like a slow build of the story & characters and I can appreciate that.

To be fair, one set of heavily redacted court documents looks very much like another set of heavily redacted court documents.

John Madden was the one man on TV when I came of age in the 2000s that made me feel included in learning about and loving football. Not sure exactly what it was, but it never felt like he was talking past or above anyone who wanted to enjoy the game with him. What a loss.

Blue Line Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

The #Vikings have officially placed WR Adam Thielen on Injured Reserve.

If Upton says they’re overrated, then they’re overrated.

News Item: Another Jersey Mike’s is on its way to the northern suburbs.

We’re living in Benny Hurd’s world.

I can’t believe you
You bend your words like Uri Geller’s spoons.
Not quite safe here
When every judgement seems to smack of doom.

Are you ok? I’m just fine
You take Nanci, for me Loretta’s fine.

Judon has the COVID? Another similarity between us!

It’s not well known, but Coach Madden took such a propriatary interest in his eponymous video game that for years he would debug the code for it.

Be weirder, Darren Rovell. You can’t!

Honk if you remember the International Inn of Hyannis.

Boston Globe taking a break from Mindy Kaling news to dig deep with a profile of Annie ‘the Bank Teller’ Finucane.

Please keep showing me your favorite Madden plays.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t say farewell to those we also lost in 2021: OTF ARoy, Big Wan, 12 o’ Clock, Murdock, Edai, Gonzoe, KTS Dre, Indian Red Boy, Mike Darole, BCR Meezle, 18Veno, Chucky Trill, Flatline Nizzy, OG YD, DThang, Hotboy Ju, Boog the Bandit, Slim400, Young Dolph, and Drakeo the Ruler.

Josh Allen’s outburst just made me think of that bowling guy and his ‘Who do you think you are? I am!‘ freakout.

Best bet for the weekend: No tweeting after midnight on New Year’s Eve.

(Standard disclaimer goes here.)

Red Sox Winter Weekend cancelled by the MLB lockout before it could be cancelled by the COVID like last year.

Michael Gee; vindicated? Time will tell.

You’re right. What do I know about sports fandom? It’s not like I literally just wrote a book about it or anything. Oh, wait, I did.

I’m not sure the NHL players are Olympics-bound.

Hunter Henry and his wife Parker had their first child last week on the Patriots’ bye week. This week he catches a touchdown pass. Sports.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but eggnog is delicious.

Embiid was obviously incensed by Jackie Mac’s impression of him on California Bill Simmons’ podcast.

That college football Bowl Game has a funny name!

Cakes are cooking for Dick Barry. Steve Carlton, Steve Garvey, Jan Stephenson, Susan Powter, Luther Campbell, and Mike Sullivan.

Tiger golfing again is great to see.

Working in sports is always hectic but a day like today where news is cycling through every five minutes is especially tough on social teams and content creators. But 99% of those who work in sports for a living wouldn’t change that for the world. Proud to be apart of that 99%.

Get well soon Paige Bueckerers, or whoever.

This Omicron variant best not derail the AHL into January!

I don’t know if it’s been said, but that Mac Jones; it’s like he was made in a lab!

The Celtics traded Joe Johnson on February 20th, 2002. They are bringing him back 7,245 days later. That HAS to be an all-time sports record.

Since Bill is now apologizing for stuff, how about that Trump letter and Bon Jovi, and Mike Lombardi?

Worcester Line Train 514 (11:00 am from Worcester) is operating 10-20 minutes behind schedule between Framingham and South Station due to train traffic.

Hot tip: Route 1 has plenty of stores to help you finish Christmas shopping.

I just want to debate yards allowed versus points scored, not cases versus hospitalizations. Is that so wrong?

The Regular Chick craze out of Hollywood needs to pass.

Honk if you remember Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker, and the chief mourner. Scrooge signed it: and Scrooge’s name was good upon ’Change, for anything he chose to put his hand to. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Not Drakeo too??

We need Bruins hockey back. People are screaming at me over a superhero movie. Oh man.

Any time I need to know what Shaq Mason’s prorated training camp bonus is, @patscap is my guy.

The car selling company “Carvana” is ripping off “Nirvana” with their name. No one will convince me otherwise.

Hey stupid, it’s the ‘Carson Palmer’ Rule.

Is National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation better than the original?

Always impressed Derek Carr’s mascara never runs.

So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

Most painful thing in the world is the post office #sportscards

UMass needed OT to get past Fairfield U?

Cam’s fleeting success with his return to Carolina was a dead Panther bounce, apparently.

Vincent D’Onofrio just doesn’t miss, no matter what role he’s playing.

Barstool Sports basically killed the Herald’s Inside Track, so it’s only like 99% awful.

Look for our review of Spriderman: No Way Home early next year. Free preview – Loved It!

Best bet for the Weekend: Hats and T-shirts.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Santa’s List, and #the15 were used in this column. Merry Christmas to all.

Demaryius Thomas dying was like if Princess Diana, Paul Walker, and Barbaro had all been on the Challenger, but sadder.

Your MLS MVP is Carles Gil of the NE Revolution.

Don’t worry, the inevitable move back to Boston is just delayed. Just wait for a couple more Olympic cycles and they’ll turn Gillette back to a harness track. Or a velodrome.

Not reading Dakota Randall makes one yearn for the days of not reading Doug Kyed.

What a great incompletion. I saw God.

Dale Arnold wrote a Shawn Thornton book? Is that necessary?

Congratulations to the Winnepeg Grey Bombers for winning the CFL Blue Cup back-to-back.

Nice having Jaylen back.

Cakes are cooking for Joe Jordan, Alex Cox, Helen Slater, Mo Vaughn, Rodney Harrison, and Catherine Fox.

Old school barber in Hudson does the straight razor w the mercurochrome after.
Step outside after and the cool air hits like a Newport Slush

Coach Arians is built like a condom full of clams.

Which one was Van Johnson and which one was Van Heflin again?

Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes is the GOAT.

If when you have two quarterbacks, you have no quarterbacks, what does having three hockey netminders mean?

“Try to be a nice person and fix your face” is classic Timmy.

The outpouring of grief over Demaryius Thomas reminds Upton Bell of when Valentino died.

Official ribbon cutting for the @MBTA_CR’s new Chelsea Station with General Manager @spoftak, @MassDOT Secretary Tesler, and @ChelseaGov_MA leaders.

I discovered a bonus beer in the fridge. Praise the Lord.

Old folks sure do love the day-old baked goods rack at the supermarket.

Mac Jones enjoys all Christmas entertainment equally.

Knock-knock. “Who’s there?” Chris Simms. (Lenghty pause) “Go away, Chris Simms; you’re an asshole.”

Does Kate McKinnon have a bad back? Why does she walk like Groucho Marx?

Any foreign power who wants to provoke the United States should first watch Army-Navy. There’s millions more where these badasses come from. So stand down, Vladimir!

Hey Gang of Fantasy Football Inexperts, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “where can I read your analysis on the AFC?”

Do Sir Paul and Ringo do a ’72 Dolphins champagne toast every time a member of the Monkees dies? RIP Mike Nesmith.

Jets special teams ace Justin Hardee got placed on the Covid-19 list.

Breer started the previous week suggesting football assuages the grief of a dead child and from there somehow went downhill.

Stop testing Asymmetric people!!

Listen to Entitled Town. Now endorsed by Sherwood Schwartz‘s daughter!

JV junior high basketball with no running clock is terrorism.

Some people were forced to grieve over Demaryius Thomas in airports.

Who told you I like peppermint bark candy? Because they are liars. Me? huh. Well, my greater point stands.

Keep your head on a swivel, Identical Best Friend Sixto! Just sayin’.

Scatter to West Right Tight – F Left 372 Y Stick Z Spot

Mai Tais > Hot Cocoa Bar

McDermott’s game plans are a Tampa 4 but a Buffalo 10.

Take the last train to Clarksville
Now I must hang up the phone
I can’t hear you in this
Noisy railroad station, all alone

I’m feelin’ low
Oh, no, no, no
Oh, no, no, no
And I don’t know
If I’m ever coming home

Jimmy Wynn is one of the most underrated players in baseball history. That is all.

Gregg Doyel. Who’s next? Bart Hubbach?

Honk if you remember Service Merchandise.

A Fagot in the Navy? You don’t say.

So what, people are taking Kitty Kelley at her scurrilous word?

Minihane almost talked about Turtleboy yesterday!

I hope someone’s favorite Boston sports ‘duende moment’ was Carl Everett permanently styling Dan Shaughnessy as the ‘Curly Haired Boyfriend.’

Bobby Okereke? Is that like a Brian Orakpo?

Lenny Megliola: still alive.

Now where am I to go for a slow reveal of Carmine Tazzi informational tidbits?

Happy Cupcake Day, tulip.

NBA counting stats! They’re Fannnntastic!

Best bet for the weekend: hayshakers with the big sads because the Patriots are back.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster UncleGizmo and #the15 were used in this column. Cheer up, sleepy Jean.