The 15

Everyone NE fan at the Monday Night Football must have felt like they wasted a night waiting for The Great Pumpkin instead of trick-or-treating.

Bruins have been skating their winning lane and aren’t yet at full strength.

Brian Cashman fears no reprisals!

Really, really need a home win this weekend UMass Football.

At least the Celtics can still go 81-1.

I’m hearing that Red Sox assistant GM Eddie Romero visited Rafael Devers in the Dominican Republic on his birthday so he could personally count the number of candles on the cake.

Cakes are cooking for John Cleese, Lee Greenwood, Patty Sheehan, Rick Carlisle, John Kasay, Vernon Lewis, Kristi Richards, Brady Quinn, and Lonzo Ball.

The Astros pitching staff has cornered the market on shitty hairstyles.

All Rockport Line Commuter Rail trains will terminate and originate at Salem until further notice due to a signal issue. The Beverly to Rockport shuttle bus will accommodate passengers to and from Salem station.

Keep the silver game pants, Pats. Lose the Bad Idea jeans, Bill.

Bert Breer tweeting about Jalen Hurts in an Astros hat is Peak Bert Breer. Well, it was until his follow-up tweet, I guess. Still stand by my point, though.

People are acting surprised that Eric Hosmer is blocking Padres fans on Twitter. To be honest I’m surprised more athletes don’t do it. Former Boston Bruins defenseman Dougie Hamilton blocked me and I didn’t even know he was on Twitter. Not sure what I did, but Dougie’s loss.

Kyle Lowry is fat enough to work for 98.5. JK, fatness aside, he is otherwise ineligible to work for the Sports Hub.

Ted Johnson has white knights? Huh.

So wait, I’m supposed to get different candy in case trick or treaters come by who claim to have peanut allergies? Nut allergies are made up, like, ‘fibromyalgia’, or ‘long COVID’, or ‘thyroid cancer.’

When the Patriots aren’t playing on Sunday, and the Bruins and Celtics both have the day off as well, Red Zone Channel is an extra great treat.

Children born in 1989, the year “Seinfeld” premiered, are now the same age as George Costanza on that show.

Ava Raine has that Alexa Ray Joel ‘looks like her dad’ thing going on. Unfortunately.

Hey gang of sensibly proportioned people, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So there are illegal midgets out there?”

Does anybody know how the story really goes
Or do we all just hum along
Sell your soul and sign an autograph

Big bang baby, it’s a crash, crash, crash
I wanna die, but I gotta laugh
Orange crush mama is a laugh, laugh, laugh
Spin me up, spin me, spin me out.

Apparently the cure for cancer is VIP tix to the Patriots and a Kraft, Bon Jovi meet and greet. Moonshot! Thank you Joe Biden!

James Gunn about to pump out some more HITS, we’re eating good!

Following an offseason in which they were severely limited in terms of cap flexibility and without a first-round pick, the Bears are now set to enter the 2023 offseason with picks to draft with and by far the most cap space in the NFL ($100M+). Plenty of resources to work with.

Love how they say its the mile high club. But it’s really 6 miles and change lol do your math. Regardless…. It’s awesome.

I was watching the Phillies/Astros 1980 NLCS game. Luzinski was a big Polack.

Pasta’s Good Kid-ness is enduring.

“I feel great”, I think those were Oscar Wilde’s last words.

The site could use a dedicated coffee mug salesman.

There are 29% more games in which a player scores exactly 1 run than games with 1 RBI. But 2 Runs Scored and 2 RBI are almost perfectly even, and there are 8 times as many games in which a batter drives in 4 runs than games in which he scores 4. 5 runs/RBI, 70 times as many.

Danielle Murr was back in radio?

You’re never out of the game if Stephen Curry is on your team.

I thought TIE Fighters couldn’t operate in planetary atmosphere. Is this something from the computer games that is no longer considered canon, or am I just misremembering?

Honk if you remember Banana Milk Duds.

So glad David Ortiz didn’t do what Tom Brady is doing. As sad as his retirement was, he went out on top.

Zappe gets the Glengarry Playbook.

Who knew Antonio Brown was a scorpion? Besides everybody.

Is Bet with Dicey worth a look every week? It is if you like winning money! BET!

Grant Williams is innocent!!

TMZ gave Jerry Lee Lewis the ol’ Pat Burns dead/not dead treatment?

World Series’ that involve teams that switched Leagues just hit different.

Watching the video of Harper’s homer back and … wow, that camera guy on the field while he rounds the bases is really intrusive. May be just me, maybe got great shots, but that’s history and injecting the cameras into it feels off to me.

Weird that there was no mention of Ben Volin in Chad Finn’s Boston Sunday Baseball Paper media column.

Congratulations to Elon on purchasing Twitter low after the company’s stock price tanked.

Best bet for the weekend: cocky Jets fans.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do? I follow.

Sorry for the delay. (shrug) Happy PreFriday.

Bill Russell no doubt approved the Celtics beating Philadelphia in the opener.

Goal scoring so far doesn’t look to be a problem for the Bruins.

Is Bailey Zappe a system quarterback yet?

It’s time for Steve Perrault to embrace his true vocation: playing Uncle Fester in a dinner-theatre troupe.

Were Stidhsy and Kennedy invited to the wedding?

Cakes are cooking for John Lithgow, Lynn Dickey, Evander Holyfield, Brad Daugherty, Jon Favreau, Prakazrel Michel, and Louis Oosthuizen.

The newspaper helped promote MLB to kids as much as anything. We used to read box scores and league leaders for hours, plus the baseball cards. Kids don’t do any of that anymore.

Gregg Popovich, the unofficial sommelier of the NBA, has six players on his roster who cannot legally drink.

DC should only let Matt Reeves and James Gunn touch their properties. Put the adults in charge.

NESN blows. Sure, spend all your money on digital boards that at best distract and at worst don’t track correctly while not getting the audio to work.

Calm down Marty Mornhinweg.

Blue Line Update: The work scheduled for the rest of this week has been cancelled.

Cute, fun, made up story, Ben!

Adalberto Mondesi is 27 now. Does he still have a chance to be a good player, or is he out of time?

There’s no electrical plates in here!

Celtics interim head coach Joe Mazzula burns off nervous energy by chewing gum. Ime should have tried that.

Brady skipped two practices and a walkthrough this week and had the balls to yell at his linemen during the game?

Hampsy?

How does Netflix not have Snoop Dogg’s voice saying “so just chill ’til the Next Episode” when you hit ‘still watching?’

Tyquan Thornton should wear 3-inch thick wristbands.

Glad to see Bill Russell’s widow getting some airtime. She’s earned it.

If you have two Mike Florios you really don’t have any.

‘The 76’ers are letting the Celtics take open shots in game 1 of 82 in case they see them again 7 months from now in the playoffs’ is a wild theory, Sam Vecenie. Wild.

Meghan Markle thought she was going to use her international relations degree for the role of “Suitcase Girl”?

Take all the time off you need, Carlos. Get your house in order, Media Mike.

Nick Wright is what DJ Bean would look like to me if I took acid and drank one Miller Lite.

Zappe Fever is not even a real medical condition, big brain.

News Item: Toucher and Rich bringing show producer Mike Lockhart back, and paying his entire salary. In a related story, Adam Jones to send Christian Arcand a ‘tough break, pal’ note, as soon as he finds out where he lives.

Slade’s Bar Grill is a Boston institution for a variety of reason.

I wish I was the brakeman
On a hurtlin’ fevered train
Crashing headlong into the heartland
Like a cannon in the rain.

With the beating of the sleepers
And the burnin’ of the coal
Counting the towns flashing by
In a night that’s full of soul.

With light in my head
You in my arms.

Springfield Thunderbirds looking for their first win of the AHL season in Laval tonight.

I wish Joe Torre was still involved in baseball somehow.

Who knew a lingering side effect of Sochi Stray Dog Eye AIDS was increased levels of pomposity?

Honk if you remember actress Zoe McClellan. And if you see her, idk, contact law enforcement, I guess.

Major League Baseball is better when the Yankees are contending for a World Series every season. There; I said it.

There’s just something special about physical tickets, very cool.

Bill Russell loved Aloe Blacc. And VistaPrint.

Tired: Everyone in the building hates Mac. Wired: Every other member of the local sports media hates Volin.

Have to believe #1 Son Jonathan gave dear old dad the lovely gift of an iron-clad prenuptial agreement.

Did Jack Easterby’s wife look back at the Texans facility and turn into a pillar of salt?

A least your Sounders are the CONCACAF Champs, Seattle.

Welcome to mortgage-free Wester Mass, Mark Daniels. Springfield; It’s like a baby Providence.

No driving angry, Bubba Wallace.

Taylor Heinicke takes over for Carson Wentz for now for the Commanders. Can he get the ball more to Terry McLaurin?

Best bet for the weekend: Yankees match up well against their nemesis Houston Astros.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster Lefty, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Avarice and greed are gonna drive you over the endless sea. They will leave you drifting in the shallows or drowning in the oceans of history.

The October Hunter’s moon has been so bright you could read a newspaper by it. If people still read newspapers.

Alphas don’t lock their twitter accounts.

Mookie Betts has one more post season RBI in a Red Sox uniform than Ian Kinsler, caller.

Deucedly polite of the Red Sox to not extend their season further into October so as to give the Bruins and Celtics the local spotlight.

A GOOSE! On the FIELD! During a Playoff Game! Can you BELIEVE it!?

Krejci had 4 points in his return to the US while Bitsy Griener rots in a Russian jail over a CBD vape pen.

Cakes are cooking for Mike Barnicle, Jerry Trupiano, John Ford Coley, Pat Day, Doc Rivers, Jerry Rice, Kate Walsh, Nancy Kerrigan, Summer Sanders, Roger Lima, Paul Pierce, and Park Ji-min.

Baseball injuries are so absurd… And this isn’t me saying “baseball players are pussies.” But in no other sport do dudes get hurt carrying deer meat up a flight of stairs, or burning themselves by ironing a shirt…while wearing the shirt.

When do we expect/estimate this year’s World Series to end, does anybody know?

MBTA Update: If you worked here, you’d be on your train right now.

It’s a fucking Drake lyric!

The Sullivan Tire commercials make me miss home.

Former Panthers coach Matt Rhule had several opportunities last offseason for big-time college jobs, but he turned them down to stay in Carolina. Now, he’ll have his choice of coveted college jobs.

Garapollo saving everyone’s ass out west. Good for you kid

Extra Toasty Cheez-It’s are a top tier snack.

Why do you hate sporting teams honoring indigenous peoples as worthy warriors?

Before the term “bullshit” moved into mass circulation, the term most often used for that was “bunk”. I think “bunk” was derived from an earlier term, “bunkum”. I think that usage of the word “bunk” is rapidly becoming archaic. I don’t think you hear or read it much anymore.

I want heart rate on players so bad. Test it like they do with mic-ing players up.

Hey gang, the sense I get from inside the building is that this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “This, presumably, is to set up a lawsuit.”

There’s two fake Justin Ramos’s. The real one and the other one.

Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Christian Arcand. Not anymore you’re not! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Yesterday was David. Lee. Henderson Day. The David before the David.

South Shore is the king of pizza while North Shore is the king of roast beef in this state.

Have 30 Seconds To Mars and 5 Seconds of Summer ever appeared at the same music festival before?

I’ll never understand the incessant noise they play at Dodger Stadium. It’s just plain obnoxious.

These are the days of miracle and wonder
This is the long distance call
The way the camera follows us in slo-mo
The way we look to us all

The way we look to a distant constellation
That’s dying in a corner of the sky
These are the days of miracle and wonder
And don’t cry baby, don’t cry
Don’t cry.

Wait until Kirk investigates the Iroquois death on Season Three of ‘The Case’!

Honk if you remember the Cambridge Aku-Aku.

The Padres uniforms look like what I imagine Guatemalan UPS drivers wear.

Krejci, what is that, Italian?

Have fun making pizzas again Patriots practice squad feel-good story guy.

So the Tampa Bay Lightning abuse LTIR and underage high school girls, allegedly?

We need more political ads where the candidate’s family definitely loves them.

I feel bad for Tommy Trombone, or whoever they guy was the Mets closer entrance song was done by.

Best bet for the weekend: Coach Bill not being up front about injuries, not like cool Coach Shanny.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Mama don’t take my Kodachrome away.

Not that this should be our first concern, but was there any damage to the Red Sox’ spring training complex when Ian went through Ft. Myers?  Anybody know?

You can’t spell ‘Moral Victory’ without an L. Sorrey!

The success of Brady’s marriage was all Belichick. Good job letting that amêijoa talk you out of New England only to get divorced anyway, Tom.

Bruins will have some tough roster decisions to make.

Giants quarterbacks Daniel Jones (ankle) and Tyrod Taylor (concussion) are injured. With the next game in London, anyone they sign will need to have a passport.

Mmm, yes, quite impressive, the American League 162 game season home run record. Wow.

Cakes are cooking for Clive Barker, Imrah Khan, Careca, Michael Andretti, Mario Lemieux, Patrick Roy, Josie Bissett, Grant Hill, Kate Winslet, and Javier Villa.

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall all alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops.

Celtics are still a couple players short…of being able to roll out a starting 5 who have been involved with one of Kris Jenner’s daughters!

Sliders are really just flattened meatballs.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Nothing better to do this morning, weirdo?”

The Baseball Paper would like to point out the Red Sox will still end the year winning at least 60 more games than the Patriots will.

Who gets custody of Youk?

But if you get rid of the abusive youth coaches you won’t have youth sports.

Black guys love wearing hats of teams they don’t root for.

The “What does Vegas know?” guy is my favorite kind of dummy.

You go and apologize right now to Aaron Rodgers and Peter King you impudent young man!

Red Line Update: A wet leaf is reported to be on the tracks. Expect delays.

my name more precious to be diamonds n Gold

Y y’all keep playing with my character

they tried to barry me forgot i was a

Seed

The fat, sweaty bald guy who sings the chorus on Gangsta’s Paradise is still with us though, right?

If Arthur Fonzarelli were a Milwaukee City Councilman, what would he say to indicate a vote in the negative? Nayyyy!!

Father wears his Sunday best
Mother’s tired she needs a rest
The kids are playing up downstairs
Sister’s sighing in her sleep
Brother’s got a date to keep
He can’t hang around.

Our house, in the middle of our street.

Commanders RB Brian Robinson has been designated to return to practice. An incredible recovery after being shot last month. He can play as early as this Sunday.

Honk if you remember Socks Seybold.

Good job, UConn football.

First the Queen of England, now the Queen of Country. RIP, Loretta Lynn.

Sanibel was one of the most places I’ve been.

The Patriots are bringing out epic uniforms to play… the frigging Lions. Yuck!

Don’t tell me my package has arrived at the shipping location when all that really happened is that a label was printed.

Someone needs to reassure Benny and Vivi that even if Gisele and Tom do divorce, it doesn’t mean they will be treated like Jack.

You really can’t beat the ‘3 leather belts for $15’ deal in the Better Living Center during The Eastern States Exposition.

Force ghost Dick Rehbein advises Bill on drafting quarterbacks.

Running after that tire was a bad move, NASCAR Camping World Truck Series pit crew guy.

This crazy dude at Boca Pavilion that wore knee high socks on his arms talked like Antonio Brown raps. No difference.

Did Brian Hoyer watch MacGruber on the flight back from Wisconsin?

Christian Bale. Underrated.

Best bet for the weekend: Maggie Hassan ads on all the Boston stations.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Step Beyond!!

 So there. For the 4th consecutive autumn, the Red Sox are not going to win the World Series.

Who does Ime Udoka think he is; Gene Lavanchy?

Get well soon, Mac Jones. Hoyer will game-manage until you are well. Say well more.

Always interesting to see which MLB teams remember to wish their Jewish fans a happy new year.

But Brett Favre!!

Bruins. No pressure on you.

Happy METCO Gorilla Day. At least John & Gerry learned their lesson from that one.

Cakes are cooking for Bridgitte Bardot, Steve Largent, Ron Fellows, Anne White, Grant Fuhr, Janeane Garofolo, Moon Unit Zappa, Jeezy, Emeka Okafor, St. Vincent, and Hilary Duff.

The Bills Mafia Kubler-Rossing their way through not getting the 20-0 season they expected is pleasantly diverting.

This Judge home run watch has turned into a slog, like waiting for Yaz’s 3,000 hit.

Actually was in line behind a nice little old lady who held up the 12 Items or Less lane by paying with a check. It was like an Elvis sighting.

Biggest thing I took out of that whole segment is not only Jeys demeanors with Sami but Jey sideyeing Roman hard when he had the mic and Roman asked for it back.

There are still 77 newspapers?

Red Line Reminder: Shuttle buses replace train service between JFK/UMass and Broadway this weekend, October 1 – 2, from start to end of service.

Maybe don’t let the players pick the next coach?

Ravens DT Michael Pierce suffered a biceps tear in Sunday’s win, sources say, but there is not definitive word yet on how to proceed and if Pierce can continue playing at some point this season. Those tests and decisions are ongoing.

At least Roush Fenway Keselowski Racing was competitive.

Hey gang of Woj Bombers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Ime and Rob both finish inside.”

Dean Wormer, how many NESN360 subscribers are coming in to see Jared Carrabis get another tattoo?

You know the dealer, the dealer is a man
With a lot of grass in his hand
Ah but the pusher is a monster
Good God he’s not a natural man
The dealer, for a nickel lord
He’ll sell you lots of sweet dreams
Ah but the pusher’ll ruin your body
Lord he’ll leave… he’ll leave your mind to scream.
God damn ahh the pusher.
God damn, God damn the pusher.
I said God damn God, God damn the pusherman.

I do have to admit I have been very disappointed that Aaron Judge’s hair has not fallen out this season.

Proper begging the question usage is my love language.

I still have yet to hear an explanation as to how Ser Criston Cole could just beat a knight (and loved of the King Consort) to death at the wedding of the heir to the Iron Throne and it’s just ignored? I know Alicent scoops him up but that’s a lot to ignore. lol

I guess Boegarts screwing up Judge’s Triple Crown bid would be a nice send-off.

It’s a leg. Calais Campbell landed on it. The doctors will take a look.

Don Orsillo has broadcast 3,000 MLB games. That’s something like 875,000 pitches counted!

Honk if you remember when cars always had cigarette lighters on the dashboard.

Don’t worry, England; The NFL is coming to Tottenham Hotspur Stadium to heal your City of London.

I’m going to still be writing 5782 on my checks until Cheshvan! Such a tsuris!

Pithy one-liner.

Kyed’s sideways move to PFF seems to have really paid off for him.

Did Celtics interim HC Joe Mazzulla’s family come from the same village in Italy as Mike Tirico’s?

Hope someone asks Myles Garrett how the car crash felt.

Note out of the Marlins clubhouse: Richard Bleier is believed to be the first Jewish player to be called for 3 balks in one inning on Rosh Hashanah.

Did the famously tough NYC media grill Coach Saleh about his phone call from Trump? I thought as much.

Aloha means ‘goodbye’. Aloha, NFL Professional Bowl.

Good seats still available for the Tampa Bay Ray’s final visit to Fenway Park October 3rd-5th.

Stay safe, Floridan readers, friends & well-wishers.

Best bet for the weekend: Unfrozen tundra.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Last night I held Aladdin’s lamp and so I wished that I could stay. Before the thing could answer me, well, someone came and took the lamp away.

Thanks for the memories and for retiring as a Bruin, Big Z.

Plawecki DFA’d? The Sox season really ended that day. Although technically it did so several weeks back.

Local Media: “Steelers week two sure looks like a must-win game…” (Patriots win) “…well, that doesn’t count.”

The Celtics will be fine as long as no one else gets injured or needs surgery that will sideline them for 4-6 weeks.

Getting Aaron Judge out of his current pinstriped uniform might make him look less like a giant circus freak.

Nice dub, UMass Football. You too, Boston College.

To be fair, the Connecticut Sun really didn’t stand a chance against Becky Hammon’s giant basketball brain.

Ben Volin understands irony like Alanis Morissette did. Don’t you think?

Cakes are cooking for Stephen King, Artis Gilmore, Cecil Fielder, Maggie Grace, and John Kitna.

That Bucs-Saints game (had) me looking like woah woah what do we have here

Orange Line Update: All fix!

My robot vacuum disappeared under some piece of furniture a couple of weeks ago. I know it is out there somewhere, but I just don’t have the energy to organize a search for it.

You gotta love Portnoy calling Minihane a local show. Kirk took it in stride, like he does with all things.

Character Power Rankings after Episode One:

1. Warlaird Cor Trullblitz the Moosehearted – Where do his true loyalties lie?

2. Anona, Electress of Baverphlact – You go, girl!

3. The Royal Concoctioneer Deem ap Zeem – Hmm, where is this character arc going?

The Appalachian State radio guys apparently broke into some obscure holler dialect or started speaking in tongues.

To me network shows are the channels you can get with an antenna.

Never want to see the ambulance.

I’m kind of waiting to see something that tells me that Triston Casas is better than Bobby Dalbec. So far I haven’t really seen it. Anybody?

News Item: “The Phantom of the Opera” will close on Broadway after 35 years in February 2023.

I search the composting hashtag frequently.

Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to wake up, wake up
Need a little time to wake up
Need a little time to rest your mind
You know you should so I guess you might as well….

What’s the story morning glory?
Well?

I’m not one to brag, but all three of my fantasy football teams won the past weekend. Huh? What? Yes; that is so brag-worthy!

you can critique Mac Jones all you want but you better do the same for your boy Justin fields cause if you don’t. We all know why

Is George Wendt in the new Fletch movie?

Here’s the thing; with apple picking: It’s about pie building, not about accumulating Granny Smiths.

You can’t re-ignite the donnybrook, former Coach Kangol.

RIP, Shelby Jordan.  His death means that John Hannah is the last survivor of the Pats’ great o-line of the Fairbanks Era: Gray, Lenkaitis, and Sam Adams Sr. all have died.

Aaron Judge is like having two 30-HR guys on the team, but only using one roster spot.

Honk if you remember LoJack.

My lawn? rebounding nicely, thank you.

Gunner Olszewski did a lot of muffing in New England too.

Notice the new Lucky logo at midcourt?

The Patriots are trading OT Justin Herron to the Raiders, per source.

Did Kayce Smith take anything to the face this weekend?

Calling Babe Ruth “a lazy fats tits” because he was overweight the second half of his career is also odd. Alejandro Kirk was was a MLB All Star (deservedly so) in 2022. Baseball players have always come in all shapes and sizes.

When do I get my The FBI’s/NCIS’s Incredible Crossover Event, CBS?

From the Azores to the Ashkenazi, it’s about the beautiful game, Danny.

Best bet for the weekend: Patriots holding Lamar. Demeatrice. Jackson. Jr. under 101 yards rushing.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Canadian Soldier, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Don’t leave me high. Don’t leave me dry.  

Your Resilient Red Sox only need to go 12-7 over the rest of the season to finish 81-81. That’s doable!

14 15 other NFL teams are also winless, caller. Buck up, lil camper.

Don’t let the Sun win tonight, Aces!

Unless they win out and get help from other squads, the Revolution will not be televised this MLS postseason.

Benching players isn’t a real thing, just like framing pitches.

Bernie Shaw dying the same day as the Queen is the ultimate Farrah Fawcett’ing.

Cakes are cooking for Pete Carroll, Tawny Little, Earnest Byner, DJ Kay Gee, Tom Hardy, Mike Dunleavy, Jr., and Wout van Aert.

A torn pectoral muscle on a Watt brother? Inconceivable!

Plymouth Rock does make Old Sturbridge Village look like Six Flags by comparison.

Owning a samurai sword is in a dead heat with having a face tattoo as the biggest red flag there is.

Hey gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “How, but also hoe.”

Wake up the Echoes. No, really.

Starfucker Bob Kraft loves a Black man with a record more than Quincy Jones does.

News Item: Roger Federer announces his retirement from professional tennis.

Sell wetter ham in the grab-n-go case by the deli, Market Basket!

Jason Garrett brings as much life to an event like Bill Belichick does to a Christmas carol.

Volleyball stadium? They can’t use the basketball gym?

Blue Line: Delays of up to 15 minutes due to a maintenance train inspecting the overhead wires. Trains may be asked to stand by at stations.

Matt Patricia right now is still more successful than YOU, radio talking man. He is. He is!

Suzy Kolber always sounds like she’s smiling as she’s talking. That might sound strange – but I just love listening to her host.

Chargers CB JC Jackson, who is questionable for tonight, is recovering from surgery necessitated by Jackson being born with an extra bone in the back of his ankle, sources say. That extra bone was causing pain and inflammation, so the arthroscopic procedure was to remove it.

Sara Civian is a free agent.

Got to give some cred to Manny Machado, I think. I’ve never been a Machado Man, but he is now in his 11th major league season and has never had anything remotely resembling an off season. Not too many guys have ever done that.

Vincent D’Onofrio being Private Pyle, Edgar The Bug, and Kingpin is fucking throwing me for a loop.

Have a thicker TV.

Sue Bird is retired from the WNBA, but still plans on having more knee injuries.

It ain’t the way you move
It ain’t the way that you move me
Oh no
It ain’t the way you shake
It ain’t the way that you shake me
Oh no
I’ve lived 25 years
I’m a kid on the run
I got a pistol for action.

That toad Gary Washburn should stick to not knowing basketball.

I have also informed my bees the Queen has died.

Kirk should, he should do a, another true crime podcast, but this one, it would be about what killed WEEI!

Honk if you remember the CableACE Awards.

You should always order your chicken and waffles under an assumed name and not ‘gram the pic until later.

I can’t find any fun sized Three Musketeers bars anywhere; is there a nougat shortage too?

For those wondering, Skeets Quinlan played in 49 NFL games and finished his career with 258 carries for 1,514 yards and 9 TD rushing.

Is the Duke of Dorchester invited to the Queen’s funeral?

In 1994, Bulgaria had the only soccer team where all players last names ended in ‘OV’.

Best bet for the weekend: a real dark place/trap/must-win/rock fight/phone booth/ flu game at no-longer Heinz Field.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, Buckingham Palace, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, The Bag Pod podcasters who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster NorwoodZip, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. God Save the King.

Did the NFL bring the 2022 Lombardi trophy to Los Angeles in case Buffalo leads at halftime?

I demand Gallinari go get a third opinion!!

The Patriots leaving early for Miami is proof they are desperate, caller.

You can’t buy the kind of good publicity you get by scheduling a secret basketball game to entertain inmates which then leaks to the public, as it would.

Xander Bogaerts. Fakest good season ever (non-Benintendi division).

Imagine being the greatest athlete in the history of professional sports and you still have a cvnt wife.

I don’t call LIV Golf ‘Liv; I call it ’54’. Thanks for visiting Boston, Our Friends The Saudis.

Lucy Burdge is doubtless sad about the news of Queen’s Elizabeth II’s health but will still tell you to bet the over on her making it through the weekend.

Cakes are cooking for Rogie Vachon, Aimee Mann, Greg Minor, P!nk, Alexandre Bilodeau, Arrelious Benn, Bruno Fernandes, and Shane Dylan.

By the way, “Magic Number Time” is also known as “football season.”

Probably a good thing dragons were extinct before insurance agencies started. The premiums for riding then would be outrageous.

Always when I’m in the car. Death, taxes and big NBA news when I’m driving!

Oh God, not another hacky Timothée Chalamet impression!

Every football player in the 1940’s was a Polack with a 3-letter first name.

There’s significance to Kenny Pickett being second, and not third, on the depth chart with the Steelers. Means he’ll dress on game day, and that the coaches feel comfortable with him as the guy they put in in a pinch.

If I’m living in Middle Earth I’m not going anywhere near a body of water.

How can Cam work in the produce department, yet be so unfamiliar with green salads?

So the Super Bowl winning teams gets to host the Kickoff Thursday Game? What a great tradition. It must date all the way back to 2020!

Hey gang of diva WR’s, this week’s Phrase that Pays is “silly cap dollars.”

News Item: Patriots traded Mason for a fifth-round pick earlier this offseason.

I can’t log on to my Instagram so I think it’s time to be dramatic and start planning funeral arrangements.

I wonder if Glenn Ordway has enough $ to buy WEEI from Audacy?

The EuroBasket ball looks like one that’s been on the playground for a year, but has that perfectly worn-in feel and comes off your hand just right.

Blue Line Update: Trains are returning to regularly scheduled service.

So the other fake stat creators also hate Tyler “Warren Sharp” Brickner? Good to know.

It always delights me when the Lone Gunmen show up in X-Files episodes.

Explaining to people all the clues that the Queen is actually dying – the kids are all going to Scotland! the BBC is in mourning dress! it’s actually Operation Unicorn because she’s at Balmoral! — like I’m breaking down an episode of House of the Dragon for my mom over here.

Is it called Mount Rainier because of all the rain over there?

I fall to pieces
Each time I see you again
I fall to pieces
How can I be just your friend?

You want me to act like we’ve never kissed
You want me to forget (to forget)
Pretend we’ve never met (never met)

And I’ve tried and I’ve tried, but I haven’t yet
You walk by, and I fall to pieces.

There is a reason why Matthew Stafford described himself as 100% heading into tonight. Following a PRP injection and a non-surgical procedure aimed at healing the elbow, Stafford has completed his 6-month rehab. He’s ready.

I too wish to remain comfortable and at Balmoral.

Yahoo says my fantasy draft grade is a C-?! Well I grade your grading ability a D- then!!

He is just a cornered animal fighting back.

Today is Star Trek Day. So honk if you remember Doctor Spock.

Using the same logic the mediots apply to who’s truly responsible for the Patriots’ success, I think I can safely conclude that Bill Belichick was the only thing keeping Tom and Gisele together.

Hot dogs and French fries are bad for your health? Naw you don’t say?

The final KJ and Dondero Show was broadcast on WEEI Sunday. Also, WEEI had broadcast something called the ‘KJ and Dondero Show’ prior to Sunday, apparently.

Stacey Dash is going to be heartbroken when she finds out about Bernard Shaw and David Arnold. In February. Of 2024. RIP.

So glad Eck was in the booth for Casas’ debut.

Did you ever want to, when in the canned vegetable aisle of the supermarket, just shout out ‘NIBLETS!!” at the top of your lungs? Well don’t; after that they will kindly but firmly ask you to leave.

The Florida humidity turned Jalen Mills’ hair green!

Congratulations on an enviably successful career Serena. Don’t screw it up by un-retiring, like some people do.

Best bet for the weekend: Prince Charles measuring the rooms for new drapes at Buckingham Palace.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, Buckingham Palace, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Bannerman General Ser Reisner, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW poster Blinded by the Lombardis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. God Save the Queen.

I. Declare. AUDACYRUPTCY!!

Or perhaps not. Someone should ask that blogger if ‘David Field’ sounded suspiciously like ‘Don Yee.’

Just a meniscus tear for Danilo Gallinari. Celtics fans dodged a bullet, unlike Brian Robinson Jr. Get well both of you.

4 PM Saturday games in the summer are elite. Go to a game, go out for drinks/dinner on a rooftop or in the North End, grab some gelato (shop staffing permitting), watch the sunset, thrive.

Karrie Archibald notifies me her dad is alive and well… And thanks everybody for their concern…

Andrew Callahan looks like an extra from a Nugenix commercial.

Revs are currently in the wrong bunch of seven squads. Could use a W or three in their upcoming September matches.

Sun versus Sky? Sounds like a fable, or native lore.

Scott Zolak could stand in the middle of a North Attleboro industrial park and shoot someone and he wouldn’t lose any of his fans. It’s incredible.

Cakes are cooking for Richard Gere, Gina Schock, Jeff Frye, Jennifer Azzi, Debbie Gibson, Pádraig Harrington, Jeff Hardy, Ted Ligety, Mohammad bin Salman, and Chuck the Tuxedo Cat.

Just turned on the U.S. Open. What happened to Tsitsipas?

Carolina has been in the market for offensive weapons. Jax was open to dealing Laviska Shenault. A perfect match.

When folks say Michael Jordan is their favorite athlete, it’s such a boring and lazy answer. Gimme something different man.

Just watch the Luke Bryan documentary like your wife is forcing you to do like a normal person.

Out: Cry. In: Cope.

Tom Brady was definitely healing a new face during his 11-day absence from Bucs camp.

Paul Perillo’s career now consists of appearing on TV three times a year in front of a dancing claymation Bob’s Discount Furniture guy.

Ciao, gang! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I saw bones come out I hope nothing serious but I fear the worst.”

Peter Vescey is an asshole.

It occurred to me that “hippie” and “hipster” are similar words, yet hippies and hipsters are different – I think about things like this – and now I’ll go back to thinking about the circumference of the earth and the depth of the Mariana Trench, also things I think about.

MBTA Red Line Update: Your train is stopped one stop away.

I don’t know about this Saudi golf business, but were we still all mad at the Krauts and Japs in 1962?

Pro tip: Sackface Andelman is the one that looks like a ballsack.

Out of all the chips in the world, BBQ chips are my favorite. Cool Ranch Doritos probably 2nd tho.

Death by misadventure usually ends in a retired number.

I’ll take Tom Curran seriously when he stops using his middle initial unnecessarily.

Can’t wait to count the empty seats at Vito Stellino’s funeral.

News Item: Juliette Binoche: ‘I loved two men at once’. (Diedrich Bader as Lawrence in Office Space GIF)

I follow the Moskva
Down to Gorky Park
Listening to the wind of change.

An August summer night
Soldiers passing by
Listening to the wind of change.

The world is closing in
Did you ever think
That we could be so close, like brothers.

The future’s in the air
Can feel it everywhere
I’m blowing with the wind of change.

If there are curmudgeons, why aren’t there catmudgeons and birdmudgeons and goatmudgeons?  Just imudgeon it. . . Honk if you remember Danny Almonte.

Like Kellen Mond more. You can’t!

Cats get so much happier after you feed them.

First Len Dawson now Ernie Zampese, the tobacco industry can’t survive that kind of hit! Watch your back, Jim Leyland, is all I’m sayin’.

Think that Rory McIlroy is a little bit good at golf?

I want to do stuff to Katie.

It might not be the Red Sox’s year.

The music of Yung Gravy is very helpful in these trying times.

Halloween candy in supermarket displays in August? I’ll retire to Bedlam.

It’s a low bar, but Chad Graff is already better than Matt Fairburn.

Best bet for the weekend: people thinking aloud that Monday feels like a Sunday.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Audacy employees who choose to remain anonymous, BSMW posters Hacksaw, Laszlo Panaflex, and Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. In the still of the night I hear the wolf howl, honey, sniffing around your door. In the still of the night I feel my heart beating heavy, telling me I gotta have more.

So of course, the thing most likely to result in horrid shit takes happens. Twice. Going great!

Yes, that could be either the Pats or the Sox.

Skinny bones should heal quicker, right?

I would love to go to an oceanfront resort that put a big living room on the beach.

Devers: he’s the same age as the Little Leaguers! Get it? Get it??

If a rap show happens in New England and you don’t see Dart, did it really happen?

Two cheers for WEEI for the Jimmy Fund Radiothon thing.

Cakes are cooking for Vince McMahon, Mike Shanahan, Cal Ripkin Jr, Dana Gould, Marlee Matlin, Dave Chappelle, and Arian Foster.

Is Kayce going to wear white for the wedding? What, it’s a valid question!

I am really, really, extra really glad that Bill Lee is OK, but, Jesus, having a heart attack in the bullpen while warming up to enter a professional baseball game at age 75 would have been the most poetic exit of all time.

Mike McDaniel has proven noted genealogist Chuck D’s “Fear of a Black Planet” thesis to be incorrect.

Never had too much Crown Royal. Not a big fan. Just give me a Budweiser and I’m happy.

What color stripe on the American flag do tow truck drivers get?

Fitchburg Line Train 416 (12:25 pm from Wachusett) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Shirley and North Station.

Hey gang of Brooklynite hoopster hipsters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “we have agreed to move forward with our partnership.”

Beyonce loves making spaghetti and sandwiches. She could feed me virtually anything and I’d be happy.

I’m travelin’ down that lonesome road
Feel like I’m draggin’ a heavy load
Yeah, I’ve tried to turn my head away
Feel ’bout the same most every day

(You know what I’m talkin’ about, baby)

You’re in a car, what’s the worst that can happen if you try to drive through that flooded underpass? Go for it.

Do you have a tan plan?

All the farmers and ranchers are selling their herds! Tomatoes won’t be grown anymore! California will have a megadrought AND a megaflood! The UN warns of nuclear annihilation! Covid! Monkeypox! Polio!

We lost Lul Pab?

I love when Laura Rutledge is covering football no matter what. I don’t care if it’s just a preseason game. Keep shining Laura- people notice.

MBTA Orange Line Update: Nope.

Why is raw bacon always cut longer than the width of your largest frying pan?

Let me translate: “He won 17 games 3 years in a row for the Sox. Awful person. Sucks. No moment of silence. Go Orioles.”

Late August at noontime is perfect sweatshirt weather.

Another lost practice for YOUR Patriots. Sad.

Best part of the season, where Dave O’Brien awkwardly chats with people who are dying.

Honk if you remember the Hellenic Flu.

I called someone a psychopath for a minimally weird thing yesterday and my wife was like “do they sit on the deck and look up where every plane that passes overhead is going?” and I thought maybe she had a point.

Jim? Jimbo? Jimmy? Jom?

Using hot dogs as straws? This is why the terrorists and Peter King hate us.

On subject, do you think Doug Kyed has a thigh tattoo of that ‘we’re all trying to find out who did this’ guy in the hot dog suit?

It started out in neon lights and then all got dark.

I’ve seen more Josh McDaniels praise this week than I did during all his time in new England.

Historically, some starting pitchers with less than 200 wins HAVE made the Hall of Fame, including Jack Chesbro (198), Dazzy Vance (197), Ed Walsh (195), Rube Waddell (193), Lefty Gomez (189), Sandy Koufax (165), Addie Joss (160) and Dizzy Dean (150).

Christian Kirk caught 5 passes from Trevor Lawrence in the Jaguars’ last preseason game and is a value play later in your drafts.

Don’t think we didn’t notice the Jujyfruits are now smaller, Heide Candy Company.

PGA Tour Championship starts Thursday. Who do you like?

Best bet for the weekend: having a tan plan.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Old Friend howzie, Josh Marion (stick tap to TapeGrindah for convincing me Josh was on the level, babe), Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. One Step Beyond!!