12/14/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

‘As you can see, this sample of so-called ‘loser DNA’ has been contaminated by guyliner!’

Celtics were too cute by half, well, too cute by a quarter, but won in OT.

Are you, Bob Hohler telling me that Jermaine Wiggins didn’t major in Finance at either Marshall or Georgia?

Everybody was licking their chops Monday to send their insincere condolences about Mike Leach.

Contrast that with the outpouring of genuine grief over Grant Wahl; in a way I’m glad I only learned who he was after he died.

Was Holy Cross the best college football program in the Commonwealth in 2022?

Make better decisions guy who was concussed 5 seconds ago!

The Great Kid with the game winning shootout goal.

I liked Mutnansky’s paring with Merloni, solely because the show name sounded like ‘Mutton Lou’, which brings to mind an itinerant renaissance faire victullar. And now they’re both on the outs.

YOU lost the Griner trade!

Cakes are cooking for Peter “Spider” Tracy, Cindy Gibb, Bill Ranford, André Couto, Patty Schnyder, Michael Owen, Jakub Błaszczykowski, and Julio Pimentel.

‘Home grown talent’ is fetishized. But it’s still okay to hate this Red Sox Ownership Group.

Warren Sharp looks like he plays Flugelhorn in an ironic hipster band.

I see all the infectious disease experts on Twitter have updated their resumes to include hostage negotiation on their list of skills.

Michael Keaton wants to do a Beetlejuice sequel and a Batman Beyond movie and studios…aren’t letting him? If Michael effing Keaton wants to do a project, you say THANK YOU and you do it!

Severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The Sports Huddle took shits bigger than Upton and Lobel’s show.

MBTA GLX – CONSONANTS!

Croatians are just Slovenians with a better soccer team.

If the local media employed someone named Gethin Coolbaugh I think we would know about it.

I love Dorchester I hate driving in it.

Hey gang of softhearts, here’s this week’s Phrase that Pays, “Don’t feed the attention raccoon, Cindy!”

Stop the Alpering.

Ever sentence Cheryl Miller’s brother utters is more painful than his prior sentence. Full of ego. That said he is kinda funny in those Wendy’s commercials.

You walked into my house last night
I couldn’t help but notice
A light that was long gone still burning strong
You were sitting, your fingers like fuses
Your eyes were cinnamon

You said you stand for every known abuse
That was ever threatened to anyone but you
And why should I know better by now
When I’m old enough not to?

Imagine thinking Deion Sanders cares about anything other than Deion Sanders.

If your god has 99 names it has none.

The Syndicate always wins.

You’re running out of time to buy Genuine The15 Merch in time for Christmas.

Honk if you remember Woolco.

I see Von Miller couldn’t bribe the Radiologist Man.

I miss the days of the Patriots inactives being scribbled in Ernie’s chicken scratch handwriting.

Poetry Interlude:

There once was a man who liked soccer,

He wore a gay shirt in a shocker,

The emir got irate,

So they poisoned his plate,

And now he goes home in a locker.

Mustard, Johnson and Merloni on weekends? Who says no?

I hope Kyler Murray has a hobby he can fall back on during all the extra downtime he’ll have now.

I swear I have seen more totally useless crap for sale this Christmas than any Christmas ever. What I mean is just “innovations” that obviously have no value to almost anybody and are obviously going to fail, but somehow somebody got money to manufacture them and put them on TV.

Does anyone else giggle when they drive past a Christmas garden center sign advertising ‘Kissing Balls?’

Yahtzee!

Hey Chaim; I love borderline starters with no position, can make the whole team out of them?

Argies somehow survived being up 2-0, the worst lead to have in soccer.

Best bet for the weekend (if you’re Chris Gasper): Strolling Newbury Street sipping gourmet cocoa whilst shopping for the most decadent accessory bag.

You know, one of these ferstive dealies. Kissing balls.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesMitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Coma, Hacksaw and Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Almost makes me wanna cry The weather’s so beautiful outside. 

And a Happy Birthday to actress Vanessa Hudgens, who seems to like trees, dressing up for the holidays, keeps the Christmas movies moving along.

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