Category Archives: The Sports Junk Drawer

01/25/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
That is obviously the real Damar Hamlin in attendance at the Bills/Bengals Playoff game. Not an unconvincing body double, or a clone, or a Life Model Decoy. So get those crazy ideas out of your head.

Now Ocean Staters get to hear “Bill O’Brien went to Brown” a gazillion times a week while here in the Commonweath, we will hear “Andover native Bill O’Brien” again!

I wouldn’t have felt ill-served if Coach Mazzulla had broken tradition and used a timeout during that last 15 seconds or so. Would have been nice to win a scheduled loss.

Only Barnes can DFA Barnes!!

The NFL’s plans for neutral-site league championship games derailed because of a Bills team being allergic to snow is too delicious.

Jac Collinsworth wears more eye makeup than Derek Carr and Peter Schrager combined.

The Bruins are some sort of Zamboni Wagon.

Hat-In-Ass Brian Phillips should never be able to live down the fact that he wanted to give a broken-down Cam Newton $25 million a year after three fucking games. Just a tremendous loser.

Cakes are cooking for The Honky Tonk Man, Billy Andrade, Bob Sweeney, Penny Moore, Vincent Brisby, Ace Steel, Mario Haberfeld, Volodymyr Zelensky, Xavi, and Alicia Keys.

Pretty sure there’s a subreddit of people putting cucumbers in their tacos.

Fun fact: The Duke College Women’s basketball team is currently ranked 13th while the men are unranked. You go, ladies!

Eddie Andelman calls that Oriental film that was nominated for Best Picture, ‘Everything All Over the Place.’

Toronto seemed a more logical landing spot for Adalberto Mondesi, what with all the other sons of former MLB players on their squad.

Jennifer Coolidge should have her Golden Globe Award taken away as punishment for those Old Navy ads.

Can werewolves be out in the daytime? Let us know in the comments.

That latest Celtics loss to the Magic? Meh. The 07-08 Celtics couldn’t handle the Wizards. Happens.

Oh dear what can the matter be?

Girl At the Game was locked in the lavatory,

She was there from Sunday to Shabbos day;

Nobody knew she was there.

Orange Line: We are experiencing delays up to 15 minutes while we operate with a reduced fleet. We are working to put additional trains in service as soon as possible.

YOU thought we weren’t getting any snow this year! You did! You did!!

I don’t understand who the target demo is for watching half a dozen future zipper jobs watch games they are allegedly gambling on.

Greetings, gang of Winter Weekend attendees, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “it’s expensive to have baseball players.”

Now which one is Michelle Williams and which one is Julia Stiles?

So I know you all hate construction for existing, but you’re welcome for making your city better anyway.

I didn’t realize I was a gluebag, whatever that is.

You’re not allowed to lecture Pats fans/give out fandom do’s & don’ts if you switched allegiances from the Pats to the Bucs when Tom left, sorrey.

Buzz Aldrin is a steely-eyed missleman.

Did Daryl Johnston raid Freddy Lynn’s closet?

Put the “roid” guys in the Baseball HoF already. Except for The Ohio Con Man. Because fuck him, that’s why.

Showing out, showing out, hit and run
Boy meets girl where the beat goes on
Stitched up tight, can’t shake free
Love is the drug, got a hook on me.

Todd Helton’s stats is that they are SO good they are disorienting, so people ignore them. It’s like when Dick Stuart hit 66 HR in the minors, he said when guys hit 35 the org would get all excited about it, but when he hit 66 they didn’t know what to do, so they just ignored it.

Andy Hart crowdsourcing his hot takes is something else.

Honk if you remember tan M&M’s.

The NFL needs more Eli Apple-types dancing on graves after a win.

Here’s my question about Ted Lasso — what team does Richmond replace in the EPL? I know it’s fiction, but it feels like the kind of small detail that Brett Goldstein would have worked out.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

How ‘Bout that dumb formation, Cowboys?

With the Bills knocked out of the playoffs, The Union of Concerned Beantown Sports Fans has moved the Doomsdsay Clock back two minutes from midnight, to 5:17.

There’s no way the fault could lie with the Rooney Rule itself.

Wins up in Montreal always feel more valuable. It’s probably due to the exchange rate.

Update: Doug Kyed is still a free agent.

I love that Bill O’Brien’s hiring does not change Patscap’s 2023 Patriots salary cap space number.

The fact that only six movies have ever grossed 2 billion dollars and James Cameron made three of them is kind of ridiculous.

That Bray Wyatt. Amirite?

Kraft made Bill hire a fellow Ivy League football player, Tone.

Nobody cares what you think. Ask Chatham.

Best bet for the weekend: being told GEHA Field at Arrowhead Stadium is very loud.

Peter King: ‘Blah blah blah blah blah.‘ Brock Purdy’s internal monologue: ‘Look at the size of the squash on this guy. Is he even human?’

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Posted on my laptop using my phone’s hotspot in my cold car.

And a happy birthday today to Russian-born French professional tennis player Tatiana Golivin.
Bonus Bianca! We’re nice that way.

01/18/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
The Stork & the Vulture! Plus Arcand, apparently. Weekdays 2-6, on WEEI, starting January 30.

It’s going to be such a tsuris, Boston Herald. Don’t say The15 didn’t warn you.

So I guess there won’t be a lot of jars being opened from 2-6 at WEEI.

That’s not how the Statue of Liberty play is supposed to be run, Ravens!

Doug Kyed is still a free agent.

Buying a one-way ticket to Thailand? Sus.

So are we, sports media watchdogs, free to unfollow Marshall Hook, now?

I was led to believe only New England coaches & coordinators burned time outs and called plays well short of the sticks. That Super Wild Card Weekend was illuminating.

Cakes are cooking for Ted DiBiase, Mark Messier, Brady Anderson*, Dave Bautista, Christian Fittipaldi, Thor Hushovd, Julius Peppers, and Leonard Fournette.

The Bruins and Celtics are making it look easy.

Twitter made the world better by giving people a forum to proudly advertise that they think you can win a game 1.49 times.

I would have told my kicker to make the extra points. Coached him up, even.

“It’s my understanding” is Phil Perry’s way of saying “I saw someone else’s tweet”.

On the other hand, the United States probably won the 1972 Men’s Olympic Basketball Finals at least 2.49 times.

The fact that Gabz has so many people vouching for her when that behavior is in plain sight tells you everything you need to know about that industry.

Yes, the Redskins had to play five days after Sean Taylor was murdered, but that didn’t happen on the field, The Last Boy Scout style. Was that game declared a no-contest? Did the Los Angeles Stallions get gifted a neutral-site playoff game too?

Arcand can’t get out from under Jones’ shadow. The Art Garfunkel of Boston sports talk radio.

Hewwo Gang of numrods. This week’s Phrase that Pays is “have sex”..pal.

You know Patriots season is officially over when the olds are whining that Jayson Tatum is scoring 50 and he’s happy about it.

Lunch boxes were a fucking art form when I was a kid. Where did we go wrong as a society?

Not being able to determine who the Boston Herald sports editor is seems like more of a feature than a bug.

Update: Worcester Line Train 509 (8:50 am from South Station) is operating near schedule between Wellesley Farms and Worcester.

The Patriots have requested permission to speak with Vikings WRs coach Keenan McCardell for their OC position, sources say. He joins a growing list of candidates that also includes Alabama OC Bill O’Brien.

Imagine if JLo worked the Dunkin drive thru too? You could easily put three Large Iced Regulars on that ass.

Tom Brady vouched for Antonio Brown.

You say I’m a dreamer
We’re two of a kind.
Both of us searching for some perfect world
We know we’ll never find.
So perhaps I should leave here
Yeah, yeah, go far away.
But you know that there’s nowhere that I’d rather be
Than with you here today.

Aren’t M&Ms and Twix made by the same company?

Serves Coach Harbro right for being mean to Melissa Stark.

You won’t believe how many stores I had to visit this morning before I found a buggywhip!

Rest In Power to Jamin Pugh aka Jay Briscoe.

In 1966 Ernie Banks–who was not fast, was 34 years old and did not normally hit a lot of triples. . .in 1966 Ernie hit 3 triples in one game, and 2 in another one.

Fun Fact: Massachusetts has 16 municipalities that end in -ham, and 4 that end in -mouth!

It never has been and never will be Justin Herbert’s fault.

Who told you I wanted banana-flavored antacids? I did not want banana-flavored antacids.

Is Russell Gage selling merch, too?

Honk if you remember Clubman by Pinaud.

Is Bill Belichick the only thing standing between Bob Kraft drunkenly offering Lamar Jackson $250M guaranteed?

If I were inclined to steal jokes, I too would steal from Woody Allen. What?

The NBA has 2-way contracts. The North Shore has 3-way beefs. Advantage: North Shore.

I understand that Curt Schilling has the ceremonial dagger that belonged to the SS major assigned to the Monti Ossenfort redoubt in the Alps.

If Tom does go to Las Vegas, maybe the Raiders will stop crying about the Tuck Rule being correctly applied?

Went to see The Banshees of Inisherin in the theaters. I would give it one thumbs up.

Being an ironic Chargers fan is gayer than ironically cosplaying at being gay.

Red Sox sign Adam Duvall? All fix! PTT!

The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name “Kit-Kat” imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate!

How much does a fawning feature in Boston Magazine cost?

Chris Ford, the NBA’s Tom Tupa, dead at 74.

Best bet for the weekend: Tony Romo calling Josh Allen, ‘Mr. January’.

Think about it. Roll Safe.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’m the Urban Spaceman, baby. I’ve got speed. I’ve got everything I need. (Stick tap to BSJ Subscriber Tracker for the Brady Anderson asterisk.)

And happy birthday to three-time tennis Grand Slam winner Angelique Kerber. Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

01/11/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Glad to see Damar Hamlin is doing better and, hey; where’s the machine that goes ‘Ping?’‘ It’s a fake!!

Why won’t someone force Bill to stop being mean to those blameless local media types?

I don’t think the Globe is going to need a slimy hit piece to justify the exiling of the absolutely dreadful Tony Massarotti from the game broadcast. But maybe they can give us one just for fun?

Cohasset fella should’ve Google searched “how not to kill and dismember anyone including my sweet wife.”

Of course a horned frog had no chance against a bulldog. That’s just nature.

Ian Rappaport tweets announcing firings including a picture of the guy really makes me believe he’s not a spectrum-y robot.

Pasta. No longer just A Good Kid, he’s The Great Kid.

Cakes are cooking for Madeline Manning-Mimms, Ben Crenshaw, Normand Léveillé, Tracy Caulkins, Mary J. Blige, Rory Fitzpatrick, Kazuki Nakajima, and Danuta Kozák.

What’s higher, Alexandra Eckersley or Derrick White’s hairline?

It’ll never not be funny that a group of nominal adults with journalism degrees came up with “Media Good Guy” as a name for an award.

This is what happens when you trust Rodgers in a must-win game.

I just love how defensive the 98.5 cult gets of people who talk shit behind microphones all day. Irony is dead

Wickersham was ready to crown McVay the greatest ever.

Adam Rich was just turning his life around.

Quinnipiac U. Known for political polling, and right now, for leading the Mens College Hockey Rankings.

Is the awesome ping-pong table back in the Dolphins clubhouse yet?

Please board all Fitchburg Line trains on the outbound platform (Track 1) at Brandeis/Roberts today.

You don’t often see tits out like that at an airport Red Robin.

Willie Davis? Criminally underrated. Among the most underrated players ever.

Hey gang of incoherent sports fan cosplayers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “ones a company, twos a party in the penalty box!”

Maybe another year in the system is what Agholor needs?

The hero is exposed when
His crimes are brought to the light of day
Won’t be feelin’ sorry, sorry, sorry
On the judgement day
It wasn’t me who said
There’ll be a price to pay
And i won’t feel bad at all
When the hero takes a fall
When the hero takes a fall
(Hero takes a fall) oh no

Acknowledging the subtweeting is the best way to prove you’re not a rabbit-eared weirdo desperate for engagement.

Stetson Bennett is receiving AARP mailers for cripes sakes.

Baseball taught me needing help in the last week of the season to make the playoffs never works. Looking at you, Orioles.

I just want the new governor to follow tradition and wear the fleece vest when she’s in the MEMA bunker during weather emergencies.

It’s a good thing for the Red Sox that Rafael Devers is still just a baby and therefore doesn’t fully understand the concept of money or he could have asked for an even larger contract extension than the 313.5 million one.

First, you get the coaching. Then you get the executing. Then you get the owning.

I heard that if you play the 2022 Buffalo Bills Highlight Video backwards, it says “Damar is dead, miss him, miss him!”

Trev Story on the shelf for a while? Move Dalbec to the middle infield. All fix!

There is not a single moment in life that causes me as much stress as trying to drive on to the conveyor belt at the automatic car wash.

I think it’s great that you got a word-a-day calendar for Christmas.

I’m hearing that Brogdon hasn’t even packed yet!

Rams OC Liam Coen has now officially returned to Kentucky to reassume its offensive coordinator position with the NFL season over. While Sean McVay’s decision awaits, LA will certainly need a new OC.

Honk if you remember The Channel.

PC Friars ride a nine-game win streak into being ranked 19th in Associated Press Mens BB Poll.

A fat guy in a Hawaiian shirt? Now I’ve seen everything!

When are the Brockton Rox going to make Carlos Correa an offer?

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

What are the odds that Goodell hasn’t already booked the Buffalo trainers/first responders as his Draft Day human boo shields for April?

It should be more socially acceptable to tell people they aren’t attractive.

Bill Campbell, taken from us too soon. His nickname was ‘Soup.’ RIP.

All toads are frogs. But not all frogs are toads.

Best bet for the weekend: trust-funders being triggered by ‘Super Wild Card Weekend.’

I hope Coach Achord has a family he can choose to spend more time with in the near-future.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW poster Blinded by the Lombardis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. I’d say her values are corrupted but she’s open to change.

And Happy Birthday to actress Amanda Peet.

01/04/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
This is the Google Earth photo of the address of the center that corresponds to Damar Hamlin’s GoFundMe page that supports his mother’s Day Care Center.

Commotia cortis? I don’t think so. Let’s just say out loud what everyone is thinking: it was the Qatari government.

If you go to the Winter Classic, but don’t tell everyone you went to the Winter Classic, did you actually go?

The Red Sox and Devers agreed on a contract! All fix!

The last time the Bruins played a Winter Classic at Fenway, Avatar was the number one movie in the world. The more things change, the more they stay the same!

Connecticut Huskies visit Amica Mutual Pavillion to take on the Providence College Friars. Should be good.

RIP Dick Flavin, Red Sox poet laureate. Like his poems, he goes on.

Has Coach Mazzulla already lost his team, caller?

Cakes are cooking for Cory Everson, April Winchell, Michael Stipe, Joe Kleine, Guy Forget, Deana Carter, David Toms, Garrison Hearst, Ted Lilly, Al Jefferson, Katie Crutchfield, and Derrick Henry.

It will always be the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl to me.

Who said Spida?

BBWAA Hall of Fame Ballot SZN.

The TCU Horned Frog? Actually, it’s a lizard. But not to be confused with the similar Texas spiny lizard.

Not sure why, but I had a very vivid dream last night that Mike Vrabel was coaching the Patriots. Bill Belichick was also standing on the sidelines for some reason, Lamar Jackson was at QB and they were lighting up the Jets. No more late-night gin & tonics for this guy, I think.

Bob Kraft sure loves touching dudes.

Hey babe gang, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You both wish you were me.”

I love being reminded that professional athletes are people.

Michigan and Ohio State both losing was a good way to end 2022.

Green Line and Orange Line Reminder: Service will be bypassing Haymarket station in both directions the weekends of Jan 7 – 8 & 21 – 22 to allow for work on the Government Center Garage demolition project.

Tom Cuddy > ‘Major Tuddy.’

Thoughts & prayers to fantasy football squads with Bills and Bengals players, and also their league Commissioners.

The Mount Washington Auto Road helps to make relationships stronger.

Maybe execute your rehab exercises better?

I mean, say what you will about the pictures, but Tom Brady’s kid does have prettier feet than Meghan Ottolini.

Vikings standout OT Brian O’Neill, who was placed on Injured Reserve yesterday, suffered a partially torn Achilles last week, sources say. He’s out for 2022 and the playoffs and is on the road to recovery.

Paprika!

Should Patriots Do the Right Thing and Forfeit to Honor Hamlin? – The Baseball Paper, probably.

What’s your favorite example of Alpering?

Troy Vincent says they never talked about resuming the game, but of course, Troy Vincent is a fucking liar.

When I was young I was free to go
I didn’t need nobody
I just traveled alone
I packed up a few things and slip off into the night
Cause everywhere I go
These days my baby drives.

Has anyone theorized yet that this was an elaborate ruse to get people to contribute to his underperforming charity?

Knock-Knock. ‘Who’s there?’ Jay Mariotti. ‘Jay Mariotti who?’ EXACTLY.

Watching the ‘spergiest members of NFL media trial and error their way toward an approximation of a normal emotional response to this incident is breathtaking.

Honk if you remember auld acquaintances.

‘Blunt force trauma to the chest can’t induce a heart attack’ is the new “fire can’t melt steel.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene has the skin of a 70-year-old.

Upton Bell seems eternally miffed that he’s not treated like the John Quincy Adams of the NFL, but more like the Fester Addams.

Why couldn’t Stink have been on the MNF crew with Booger?

That field goal attempt at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve sure was something.

People finally finding out about Kennedy Stihdsy. The15, first again.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Well, I found the baseball uniforms charming. I did!

Interesting that Mina has no tweets about human Swiss Army knife Kyle Dugger from draft day or pre -2022. Hmmm.

No matter how much you know about baseball, you don’t have any clear idea who will have a good year next year. Which is very comforting if you’re a Red Sox fan.

Best bet for the weekend: continued prayers for Damar Hamlin.

Great seats, eh buddy?

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Steven Wright, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. And the lilacs drank the water.

And a happy birthday to British actress Julia Ormond.

12/28/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Good night, sweet prince. Thank you for your service, and for announcing your retirement before the season was over.

My favorite part of the weekend Celtics game was seeing Doris chatting with Deuce. Two legends.

Red Sox are still in on everyone that’s left!

Dirty player Mac Jones had plenty of time to sabotage the Bengals plane before it left whichever airport it left from.

Luka and Kemba combined for a 61-20-10 stat line!

Gotta put the puck on net in a shootout situation, Bruins.

Don’t flounce away mad, Deej. Just flounce away.

Being a much worse offense with essentially the same personnel is no one’s fault really.

Cakes are cooking for Edgar Winter, Jorge Velásquez, Denzel Washington, Raymond Bourque, Willow Bay, Linus Torvalds, Adam Vinatieri, John Legend, and Sienna Miller.

Were the concussion spotters concussed?

Don’t worry, there’s a Sea Dog out there that can eat up Hill and Eovaldi’s innings!

Remember Ann Landers used to tell people “You have a point there but if you comb your hair to one side people won’t notice”? There should be gif of her saying that. It would be very useful on Twitter.

I ain’t changing for no bitch

If you have a better way than following 2,000 accounts to find constant pointless arguments, I’d like to hear it.

Q-bert is a psycho but I could have hate sex with her.

Top Gun: Maverick and Glass Onion still the two best films of the year. The Batman up there as well

Foxboro Line Train 746 (8:54 am from Foxboro) has been cancelled due to a mechanical issue. Passengers will be accommodated by Franklin Train 708 (9:12 am from Forge Park) & Foxboro Train 748 at 10:30 am.

My brother-in-law cancelled their cable and got fuboTV. My dad was trying to get the Celtics on and was yelling “WTF is Tofu TV? Who likes tofu? Why don’t you have cable like a normal person?”

White boy Deuce Tatum is an infinitely fruitier prop than the Ullmark/Swayman hug.

Todd Bowles always looks like he’s searching for a lost dog.

Hey gang. This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I don’t think I could comfortably type in that foofy font.”

Portis is Milwaukee’s Grant.

They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

Give me a ticket for an aeroplane
I ain’t got time to take no fast train
Oh, lonely days are gone, I’m coming home
Well, my baby she wrote me a letter.

Next time you run into old friend Dennis Eckersley at the old ballpark, ask him how spending time with his family is going!

Appeals officers Derrick Brooks and James Thrash, jointly appointed by the NFL and NFLPA, have reduced the discipline assessed to Randy Gregory and Oday Aboushi, respectively, from one-game suspensions to fines of $50,000 for Gregory and $12,000 for Aboushi. A resolution for the post-game fight.

Texas Tech getting to play in the TaxAct Texas Bowl seems an unfair advantage.

A Bertucci’s gift card? You shouldn’t have! No; really.

Bucs will make the playoffs by playing in a frozen concentrated orange juice can of a division, caller!

Hackett? Guess not! BWAHAHAHAHA!!

Fun Fact: Steve Burton once ate nine large slices of pizza on the air during a 2009 broadcast.

Someone please sent Dan Kelley a free Sports Huddle sweatshirt.

Let’s take a moment to memorialize the bluegrass artists we lost this year due to senseless violence; Joey “lil’ Foot Locker” McBanjodick, Jr. Gutbucket Calhoun, Cumberland Gap-tooth McGroot, Lefty Wright, Clawhammer Smith-Johnson, Rosiny Rodger Ruggles, Kirby ‘Dustbuster’ Bissell, Yodelin’ Lil Biggs, Stompy Jeff McGillicuddy, Colonel Doctor Reno Benteen, Sluggo Katsulas, Zeke ‘Big Shamisen’ Cooper, White Lightning Red Schmidtt, Phillip ‘Harmonica’ Quigley III, Presentable Davey Conlin, Johnnie ‘Taskmaster’ Stern, Aesculapius F.X. Moneymaker, and Two Sheds Junior Johnson.

Honk if you remember Eastbay.

The route trees this year they have Dutch elm disease.

Tua in concussion protocol. I guess he didn’t pass the “watching a funny movie on the team plane” test this time.

That interview with Bob Lobel really puts the “Final” in “Sports Final”. What?

What with an outside perspective, you can kinda see now what made Kacsmar and Sports Talk Joe go insane.

The Sierra Nevada Celebration was hard to find in bottles this season.

Has anyone done a well-being check on Rex Ryan? Remember when he insisted on living in the Buffalo suburb that historically gets the most lake-effect snow?

Connecticut has seven cities and towns that have names that in -bury!

I wasn’t going to enjoy my time off from work but Shukri urged me to, so now I will.

Best bet for the weekend: bad weather for football, worse weather for an NHL Winter Classic.

Stidhsy. Winning. At life.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Canadian Soldier and Miserable Fellow, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Have a better one.

And a Happy Birthday to Swedish cross-country skier Jonna Sundling.

12/22/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Winter Classic playing surface realignment SZN.

Did Deuce not mention he wanted the Celtics to win for his birthday? Encouraging 2nd half last night, tho.

Ben Drieth was looking up and smiling at the officiating costing NE a win against the Raiders on a game played December 18th.

Congratulations Argentina, good match, France. Is the World Cup Pro Bowl this weekend?

Jeff Saturday has got to be the first NFL head coach to coach a game on a day of the week that is also his name, right?

Once people realize the MLS draft is happening right now they’ll forget all about the Patriots for a day or two. They got a Boston College kid!

Goodbye, JD Martinez, hello Justin Turner.

I hope Meyers feels bad for ruining Judon’s Hanukkah.

Steelers waited 40 years to retire Franco Harris’ number and he won’t be down for breakfast a couple days before it was going to happen. Good job reading the actuarial tables for former Pittsburgh players.

Cakes are cooking for Tyrell Biggs, Ralph Fiennes, Mike Sullivan, Dina Meyer, Kirk Maltby, DaBaby, Meghan Trainor, and Casper Ruud.

Is any actress more talented than Margot Robbie? Can’t wait to see Babylon.

MBTA Update: All Charlestown, East Boston and Hingham/Hull Ferry service has been cancelled for tomorrow, December 23, due to the forecast high winds.

Mattapan Trolley Update: Regularly scheduled service has resumed.

Well, at least RB Victor Rosa showed up to play at Myrtle Beach.

Hey gang of zombie hunters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Your father lost to cholesterol. Cry.”

I don’t understand these NFT’s at all. How can they sell it if they’re digital?

Happy for Interim Coach Deion Branch.

Matty Journeyman, everybody!

The NFL has announced that it reached a multi-year deal with Google giving YouTube TV and YouTube Primetime channels exclusive rights to NFL Sunday Ticket in the United States beginning next season. Whoa.

News Item: Jay Mohr is engaged to Lakers owner Jeannie Buss. Also, Jay Mohr is still alive.

I am dissenting, I’m looking differently
I do whatever I please, exactly what I want to be
I don’t fit into general rules
Ignore them all the time

Breakin’ the rules, gonna take my share
Live my own life, I don’t care
I don’t fit into general rules
Ignore them all the time

United we stand – Eternal ban
Together we are strong – Eternal ban.

Whopper Whopper Whopper Whopper. #SorryNotSorry

I really just like Root Beer.

Visa Vanilla Gift Cards are the modern American Express Travelers Cheques.

Les Bruins sont un wagon!

Kenny Albert looks like a Jimmy Kimmel DALL-E.

At this point, I think David Andrews is made of 85% Ihedigbo.

The dream police, they live inside of my head.

Franco’s Italian Army didn’t participate in the Spanish Civil War? Huh.

I believe in John Henry and I believe in Tom Werner, and never in the world would I second-guess the current leadership of the team, C Bloom and others. I’m just not sure I can see where the foundations are.

Had an oven roast this week. It was kind of flavorless. If only there was some kind of local powdered spice rub available I could have added to it.

I wanna be a race car passenger – just a guy who bugs the driver…Man, you really like Tide.

Have the sense to stay dead, dummy.

Lexus December to Remember>Mercedes Winter Event>Toyotathon>Chevy Red Tag Sales Event>Happy Honda Days

Honk if you remember the Sears Wish Book.

Great news, NFL officiating looked at the tape, and now says it was Agholor who lateraled away the game, not Meyers.

Brocton Rox sign C Marika Lyszczyk. CONSONANTS. (And sometimes Y.)

I don’t want to hear any nonsense about a Kirk Minihane podcast being boring or focused on an esoteric feud.

This just in; Francisco Franco Harris is still dead.

Peppermint bark?

That was some Wasabi Fenway Bowl.

I think Chris Berman looks great. They did a really nice job on him.

Remember: steer away from the skid.

Best bet for the weekend: visions of sugarplums. Whatever they are.

And bon anniversaire to French model/actress/singer Vanessa Paradis.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Bedford Dad and Lefty, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Merry Christmas and God bless us, every one.

Italian actress Gina Lollabrigida wishes you all a Merry Christmas. As do we.

12/14/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
‘As you can see, this sample of so-called ‘loser DNA’ has been contaminated by guyliner!’

Celtics were too cute by half, well, too cute by a quarter, but won in OT.

Are you, Bob Hohler telling me that Jermaine Wiggins didn’t major in Finance at either Marshall or Georgia?

Everybody was licking their chops Monday to send their insincere condolences about Mike Leach.

Contrast that with the outpouring of genuine grief over Grant Wahl; in a way I’m glad I only learned who he was after he died.

Was Holy Cross the best college football program in the Commonwealth in 2022?

Make better decisions guy who was concussed 5 seconds ago!

The Great Kid with the game winning shootout goal.

I liked Mutnansky’s paring with Merloni, solely because the show name sounded like ‘Mutton Lou’, which brings to mind an itinerant renaissance faire victullar. And now they’re both on the outs.

YOU lost the Griner trade!

Cakes are cooking for Peter “Spider” Tracy, Cindy Gibb, Bill Ranford, André Couto, Patty Schnyder, Michael Owen, Jakub Błaszczykowski, and Julio Pimentel.

‘Home grown talent’ is fetishized. But it’s still okay to hate this Red Sox Ownership Group.

Warren Sharp looks like he plays Flugelhorn in an ironic hipster band.

I see all the infectious disease experts on Twitter have updated their resumes to include hostage negotiation on their list of skills.

Michael Keaton wants to do a Beetlejuice sequel and a Batman Beyond movie and studios…aren’t letting him? If Michael effing Keaton wants to do a project, you say THANK YOU and you do it!

Severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

The Sports Huddle took shits bigger than Upton and Lobel’s show.

MBTA GLX – CONSONANTS!

Croatians are just Slovenians with a better soccer team.

If the local media employed someone named Gethin Coolbaugh I think we would know about it.

I love Dorchester I hate driving in it.

Hey gang of softhearts, here’s this week’s Phrase that Pays, “Don’t feed the attention raccoon, Cindy!”

Stop the Alpering.

Ever sentence Cheryl Miller’s brother utters is more painful than his prior sentence. Full of ego. That said he is kinda funny in those Wendy’s commercials.

You walked into my house last night
I couldn’t help but notice
A light that was long gone still burning strong
You were sitting, your fingers like fuses
Your eyes were cinnamon

You said you stand for every known abuse
That was ever threatened to anyone but you
And why should I know better by now
When I’m old enough not to?

Imagine thinking Deion Sanders cares about anything other than Deion Sanders.

If your god has 99 names it has none.

The Syndicate always wins.

You’re running out of time to buy Genuine The15 Merch in time for Christmas.

Honk if you remember Woolco.

I see Von Miller couldn’t bribe the Radiologist Man.

I miss the days of the Patriots inactives being scribbled in Ernie’s chicken scratch handwriting.

Poetry Interlude:

There once was a man who liked soccer,

He wore a gay shirt in a shocker,

The emir got irate,

So they poisoned his plate,

And now he goes home in a locker.

Mustard, Johnson and Merloni on weekends? Who says no?

I hope Kyler Murray has a hobby he can fall back on during all the extra downtime he’ll have now.

I swear I have seen more totally useless crap for sale this Christmas than any Christmas ever. What I mean is just “innovations” that obviously have no value to almost anybody and are obviously going to fail, but somehow somebody got money to manufacture them and put them on TV.

Does anyone else giggle when they drive past a Christmas garden center sign advertising ‘Kissing Balls?’

Yahtzee!

Hey Chaim; I love borderline starters with no position, can make the whole team out of them?

Argies somehow survived being up 2-0, the worst lead to have in soccer.

Best bet for the weekend (if you’re Chris Gasper): Strolling Newbury Street sipping gourmet cocoa whilst shopping for the most decadent accessory bag.

You know, one of these ferstive dealies. Kissing balls.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Coma, Hacksaw and Lebron, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Almost makes me wanna cry The weather’s so beautiful outside. 

And a Happy Birthday to actress Vanessa Hudgens, who seems to like trees, dressing up for the holidays, keeps the Christmas movies moving along.

12/07/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Battleship USS Arizona baseball team, circa 1925. Photo: University of Arizona Special Collections

Finding out today that another home-grown Boston Red Sox player wouldn’t re-sign with the team would be the worst thing to ever happen on December 7th.

Remember, Team USA is young. Keep telling yourself that.

If only Ben Volin had reason not to be so trusting about what to click on in his Twitter DM’s. Sad.

Now Bruce Cassidy can stop crying himself to sleep. Probably.

Xander? X-Man? Xan? Bogie? Big X? Xanderino?

Regarding PFF’s layoffs: I haven’t seen so many grinders go down at once since Joe Murray’s last visit to the North End.

Oh well, if Alabama’s losses were on the last play then they’re really undefeated.

That was Boston’s 8th straight win vs. Brooklyn? If it gets to 10 then Brooklyn has to give Gang Starr back…

Cakes are cooking for Johnny Bench, Susan Collins, Larry Bird, Peter Laviolette, C. Thomas Howell, Terrell Owens, Shiri Appleby, Sara Bareilles, and John Terry.

I’m hearing whispers that Eastern Standard will return in 2023.

I love how the music stations around here insist on covering sports.  If I wanted to hear the opinion of someone who doesn’t understand football I would turn on the sports radio station.

Maybe Jon Heyman thinks it’s funny to mock what an Arson Judge does just past the anniversary of that terrible Worcester fire, but I don’t find if very funny.

Patricia doesn’t know what he’s doing! Admit it! Admit it!

Please board Fitchburg Line Train 416 (1:09 pm from Littleton/Route 495) on the outbound platform (Track 1) at West Concord and Concord today.

Kenley? That’s a girl’s name.

Hey gang of final countdowners, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Splash the Zeros.”

Frank Martin seems legit.

A major change for the Bills: Coach Sean McDermott announces that Von Miller did have exploratory surgery yesterday and they ended up repairing his ACL. He’s out for the season.

Steps for a successful marriage: 1 – don’t fuck your black coworker.

Well, he gave her a dimestore watch
And a ring made from a spoon
Everyone is looking for someone to blame
But you share my bed, you share my name
Well, go ahead and call the cops
You don’t meet nice girls in coffee shops
She said baby, I still love you
Sometimes there’s nothin’ left to do

Oh you got to
Hold On, Hold On
Baby got to Hold On
Take my hand, I’m standing right here,
You got to Hold On.

Kenley Jansen and Xander Bogaerts grew up on neighboring islands (Curaçao and Aruba). Jansen speaks 5 languages, Bogaerts 4. They’re two of the only players in the league who speak Papiamento. Both represented the Netherlands in the 2017 WBC.

Is Florida State in Colorado? Like one of those Miami of Ohio situations?

Goodbye to Krystie Alley!

Penalty kicks. The great un-equalizer.

Just saw Drew Brees’ face. Lighting strikes are no joke! Wait, what?

A new Red Sox ownership group would tear out Linda’s rooftop gardens. We can’t let that happen.

Every time I hear ‘Yodny Cajuste’ I think he should be the Blue Jays 4th outfielder from 2002.

Value of Judge No. 62 home run ball being auctioned just went up. Being a lifetime Yankee makes it more valuable.

Honk if you remember when Shea was in the minors.

These World Cup wins has Portugal ready to party like its 1499!

Top Gun can’t be gay; Kelly McGillis is in it.

The Los Angeles/California/Anaheim Angels have now been a part of the American League for more than one-half of the league’s history. They are the only expansion franchise that can make that claim. There will not be another for at least 14 years.

The eventual fate of the Pearl Harbor raid participant cruiser IJN Tone could have been written by O Henry.

Wasabi Fenway Bowl fever grips Hub.

What exactly did Nia think the C’s could do about Ime? Say nothing?

Jimmy G thinks AD is always hurt but never injured.

I’m pretty sure if we had a De’vante Bausby I’d remember that.

MLB contracts are getting into crazy number of years! There: I said it.

Best bet for the weekend: Arizona sunshine disinfects the Patriots offensive woes.

A Happy Birthday to Australian actress Emily Browning.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Barrelling down the boulevard. You’re looking for the heart of Saturday night.

And Happy Birthday to Priscilla Barnes. But not Joann Witty.

11/30/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
Christian Pulisic moving around fine on the pelvis that got contused during his game winning goal.

You think this Celtics team looks good now just wait until they hire Mark Jackson or Juwan Howard!

We are the Boston bruins And in TD Garden..good luck.

I hope genius Coach McVay is okay after that helmet-to-face collision. He may have forgotten some play sequences from a game he saw seven years ago!

The Red Sox are quite surprised their generous offer was not the winning bid for that player’s services!

A belated Happy thanksgiving to all. Even the couple losers I know, thankful for your stupidity.

Really though; what is a catch these days? I used to think ‘Brazilian Supermodel’, but now I’m not so sure.

Why aren’t you Hailing the Victors?

Cakes are cooking for Ridley Scott, Terrence Malick, David Mamet, June Chadwick, Bob Tewksbury, Bo Jackson, Ben Stiller, Aldair, Iván Rodríguez, Elisha Cuthbert, Chrissy Teigen, and Kaley Cuoco.

Ocean Water is not consumable for humans.

If you post an actual photo of you as your pfp because you think it gives you the high ground over Spiderman avis that’s your choice. But people are within their rights to post it back at you in an argument and say your wife looks like the guy from Smashmouth. It’s just the rules.

When Tom Cuddy was in fifth grade, the local YMCA took a bunch of children to tour WBZ radio in Boston.

If you clap sarcastically when the Patriots force a Buffalo punt, they will be shamed into playing better!

Hey there, gang of ratio enjoyers! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Bro your name is Albert.”

The NFL had Bebe Rexha performing over in a corner of the Detroit Lions playing field? That’s not to be done.

Middleborough, Kingston & Greenbush Lines Diversion On the weekend of December 3-4, express buses will replace regular train service between South Station and Braintree. Passengers to/from Quincy Center or JFK/UMass will be accommodated by a bus making local Red Line stops.

It’s November. Good time for a March Madness-style bracket.

Stidhsy is winning at life.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Steelers RB Najee Harris, who was ruled out of Monday night’s game with an abdominal injury, did not suffer a major injury, sources say. His status this week is up in the air, and he’ll be reevaluated as the practice week goes on. But no significant injury is good news.

I hear Ray Bourque is intrigued by those giant hats.

So many exclamation points!!

When you hear the music you make a dip
Into someone else’s pocket then make a slip
Steal a car and go to Las Vegas, ooh, the gigolo pool
Hanging out by the state line, turning holy water into wine
Drinking it down, oh-oh-oh
Aw, I’m on a bus on a psychedelic trip
Reading murder books, tryin’ to stay hip
I’m thinkin’ of you, you’re out there so
Say your prayers.

What the fuck would Twellman know about the World Cup?

Syracuse. Detroit Mercy. Both 3-4, with losses to Bryant.

Best movie endings ever? Shawshank Redemption? and Casablanca? You be the judge. @wbznewsradio

If Wales had beat England with there being no current Prince of there they would have been allowed to leave.

Is Drake a Don?

Please keep sharing those graphics showing who you listened to the most this past year.

How do you not resist walking around to your Bronco fan buddies and randomly asking them, “Did you know that Russell Wilson has never received a single MVP vote?”

Honk if you remember Genoese statesman and admiral Andrea Doria.

Nick Wright looks like the bad guy in a Romanian soap opera.

The Bogaerts situation is reminiscent of what happened with Jon Lester, who rejected a $70m offer from the Red Sox and got $155m from the Cubs later in the same year.

George Lopez. Delivering the unfunny sitcom lines Americans won’t do!

Still tired. What’s the half-life of tryptophan?

Pro tip: it’s pronounced FEE-FAH.

I feel that Peter Gammons is a figure worthy of some permanent award.

Best bet for the weekend: A stunning World Cup upset.

Bourque looks like he shot and killed Halyna Hutchins while Chara looks like a llama who subscribed to the TB12 method.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW poster BrianInWA, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. We all came out to Montreux on the Lake Geneva shoreline.

And HBD to Dian Parkinson.

11/23/22 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on by Leave a comment
I give this column Three Gobbles. Happy Thanksgiving.

One thousand NHL points for the Bruins captain. Pretty neat.

Bubble Boy Buffalo Bills.

No Jaylen, those weren’t the Steppin’ Shukri’s outside of Barclays showing support for Kyrie.

Yes, but Wales cares about soccer.

John. Young. Brown. Junior. Former Celtics owner. One-time Governor of Kentucky. American. RIP.

Cakes are cooking for Dale Sveum, Brian Glynn, Jim Pyne, Vin Baker, Adam Eaton, Jonathan Papelbon, Nicklas Backstrom, Gabriel Landeskog, and Miley Cyrus.

Congratulations to the UMass Men’s Basketball Team for winning the Myrtle Beach Invitational.

Forest Inn Coney Dogs never disappoint.

Yes yes, of course you can bring your yams to Thanksgiving!

There are no famous NBA trainers, only infamous ones.

Update: Normal boarding has resumed for all Lowell Line trains at West Medford and Wedgemere.

Hey there, gang of World Cup enthusiasts/hooligans! This week’s Phrase that pays is, “Great kits out there on the pitch!”

Why would you root for the team playing against the college football powerhouse? No reason?

Today I feel Qatari. I feel Arab. I feel African. I feel gay. I feel disabled. I feel like a migrant worker. I feel charming. Oh so charming. It’s alarming how charming I feel.

Falcons TE Kyle Pitts’ season is done after an MRI confirmed he has a torn MCL, per league source. @RapSheet 1st.

Rita Moreno: Y

Karalis calling something ugly? He looks like a potato that got left in a hot car.

7 episodes into Andor now and they have not missed even one time. Let Susanna White direct an SW movie, please, Mr. Felloni.

Ames is returning. Can Zayre’s be far behind?

Grandpa, were he here, would tell you they would feed the yams to the pigs, they weren’t considered people food. But yours are fine!

I hear Mobile is the New Orleans of Alabama.

The cvnty Patriots tweet/Green Monster cover photo corollary is superseded only by the JetBlue Park cover photo. Both of which are dwarfed by four team logo profile pic. Which is obliterated by the Lakers/Patriots/Euro soccer team bio line.

Real business is done on paper.

A day or two ago, the story I must tell
I went out on the snow and on my back I fell
A gent was riding by in a one-horse open sleigh
He laughed as there I sprawling lie, but quickly drove away.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh.

I know NFL wide receivers like going for the one-hand catches, but if they can catch it with two, that still seems like a better plan.

Does Tomáš Nosek have a nickname?

‘NBA trainers’ are what the Brits call basketball sneakers.

I like to think that old friend Pats67’s new Buffalo pals found Nick Cafardo’s lost hat, and now worship it.

Following up: The Atlanta Falcons have placed Kyle Pitts on IR for a minimum of 4 games. Unfortunately, the below-mentioned tweet will still materialize as far as the injury concluding Pitts’ season, as previously mentioned per league source.

Josina Josaywhat?

Honk if you remember any of the 1971, 1987, or 1989 Thanksgiving Day snowstorms.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.

I wonder if tax fraud is part of former NBA official Ken Mauer’s religion too.

If Twitter’s going out, let’s do it right. My mom played Warren Devon at her funeral and if I had one, I’d do the same. (I won’t.)

Absolutely astonishing to me how many people still don’t get Marcus Semien.

These are your yams? Well what you have here are actually sweet potatoes. Which you added brown sugar and a honey glaze too. You brought diabetes to our Thanksgiving table.

Just skate your lane, National Hockey League.

Re: Sean Kugler & Mexico City, 700 years of culture dating back to Tenochtitlan, and all anyone thinks of is ‘donkey show.’

On the Sports Huddle, was a Four Gobbles rating a good thing, or a bad thing?

Best bet for the weekend: Black Friday Deals abounding.

Center and Captain David Andrews. A tough hombre.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Enjoy your Thanksgiving. And also: perhaps people hate you because you’re a smarmy anjerk, Greg Bedard.

And a happy birthday to English model, actress, and media personality Kelly Brook. Big bouncy personality.
« Older Entries Recent Entries »