02/22/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

I wouldn’t have gone that far, Tone.

This is all Mike Felger’s fault for leaving the keys in his rental car that one time in NOLA.

Who thought central Florida was glamorous?

Eric Bieniemy taking the Redsk-, uh the Commanders OC job was not a lateral move! It was a backward pass move!

All Tony Mazz did was say that two black people looked like car thieves based solely on immutable physical characteristics after making sure they couldn’t hear him say that.

Mac got his flowers. Just as we all predicted. Mac McLung that is! lololol

Yes, Triston Casas paints his nails and yes, he’ll hit a fuckin’ bomb off your team while he’s at it.

If you argue both sides of the issue, you always win.

Cakes are cooking for Julius Erving, Miou-Miou, Amy Alcott, Vijay Singh, Chris Dudley, Rachel Dratch, Jeri Ryan, Mark Chmura, Lisa Fernandez, Max Lane, Michael Chang, Drew Barrymore, and Rajon Rondo.

The Jay’s combining for 90 in a no-defense-played All Star Game really puts the lie to that preposterous ‘Wilt Scored 100’ fable.

Why don’t they make the entire NASCAR out of the HANS device?

Sure, there are a lot of white guys at 98.5, but morbidly obese employees count toward diversity at The Sports Hub.

Don’t you ever again lie to me like I’m Montel Williams! I’m not Montel Williams!

I’m not any kind of expert, but I had Purdue rated as about #8 in the country at their peak. But they’re not. No matter what the ‘sperts say, I can’t see them as Top 10 team, maybe not top 15. They should be a 5 seed. I agree that Zach Edey is the Player of the Year, though.

Alls I’m saying is someone clearly never sent away for their Muzz & JF Important Crime Squad Junior Crime-solver badge and ID card.

ChadGPT is explicitly programmed not to criticize The Sports Hub employees.

Hey gang of Presidential Historians, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Ask not what you can do for your country. If you don’t know then why ask?”

MBTA Update: Orange Line Pop-Up Extension to Chelmsford/495 deemed ‘impractical, actively dangerous to motorists.’

Custom-painted Kowloon Nikes? Meh. Let me know when Woo Loon Ming does the sneakers thing.

To the people who tell you that you’re not offended by Tony Massarotti’s joke, you just don’t like his sports takes: Congratulations Columbo! You’ve solved the case!

You can tell Ryen Russillo is happy by how often he brings it up when he “responds to” “emailers writing in to life advice.”

Suspended without pay, too. Good thing Tony has those book sales as a back-up!

How’s the Portuguese food in Fall River?

Welcome back after to the world of sports media with Outkick, Curt Schilling. Free advice to Clay Travis’s kids; don’t go with Onkle Curt to get deloused! It’s a trick!

Can we place a bet at Encore whether Felgie and/or Big Gym also get suspended during the sensitivity training?

Tonight! UMass vs. Dayton! UConn vs. Providence!

“Who chopped down the cherry tree? If you don’t know then why ask?”

Jackie Slaterson is back for another season in New England.

The Chicago Bulls shut down Lonzo Ball for a second consecutive season Tuesday as the point guard continues to struggle with discomfort and pain in his left knee.

I’m also “I still know the ZIP code for Pueblo, Colorado off the top of my head” years old.

It’s crazy that Felger can mail it in from home or a vacation spot and still quintuple WEEI’s ratings.

Damn you, Dorothy Golumpki!

Let me know when they come out with the ‘All Smarfberries!’ variant of the Marcus Smart cereal.

Fun Fact: the third most common street name in the U.S. is ‘Third Street.’

Alabama head coach Nate Oats also said he initially sought advice for handling the fallout from the (Harris) murder from Ray Lewis.

Hey there Delilah, what’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do.
Times Square can’t shine as bright as you, I swear it’s true.

Tony may have played his way into a #1 Seed in the upcoming March Sadness Tournament. Just sayin’.

“The only thing we have to fear? If you don’t know then why ask?”

Rian Johnson missed Columbo too, apparently.

‘When did our fathers bring forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal? If you don’t know then why ask?”

There’s nothing more pleasant than the smell of eggs, meat and cheese on a crowded train. It’s very Boston.

Honk if you remember Chain of Lakes Park.

Galaxy brain idea: the Bruins trade Ullmark AND Swayman!

We got just enough snow to counterintuitively make everything uglier. Blecch.

That’s it: antique pie safe!

When Gerry Callahan is coming to your defense, you know you fucked up.

So, this planned sensitivity training, is it off-site? Multiday? I only ask because Gene needs to schedule a time to get to Woods Hole. And also to the Steamship Authority Nantucket Ferry embarkation point!

Try and get me not to love that reporter Jonny Miller stays in the exact same motel room every Spring Training. You can’t!

Easy there, Truffaut.

Best bet for the weekend: Red Sox players at spring training not regretting never having asked Mazz for restaurant recommendations.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesRichard Belzer, Bill James, Transient Existence, BSMW poster Gus Chiggins, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Apologies for moving up publication to today in spite of the Washington’s Birthday Holiday.

Raquel Welch (top) and Stella Stevens, (below) taken from us this previous weekend. Like losing Jefferson and Adams on the same day.

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