01/25/2023 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

That is obviously the real Damar Hamlin in attendance at the Bills/Bengals Playoff game. Not an unconvincing body double, or a clone, or a Life Model Decoy. So get those crazy ideas out of your head.

Now Ocean Staters get to hear “Bill O’Brien went to Brown” a gazillion times a week while here in the Commonweath, we will hear “Andover native Bill O’Brien” again!

I wouldn’t have felt ill-served if Coach Mazzulla had broken tradition and used a timeout during that last 15 seconds or so. Would have been nice to win a scheduled loss.

Only Barnes can DFA Barnes!!

The NFL’s plans for neutral-site league championship games derailed because of a Bills team being allergic to snow is too delicious.

Jac Collinsworth wears more eye makeup than Derek Carr and Peter Schrager combined.

The Bruins are some sort of Zamboni Wagon.

Hat-In-Ass Brian Phillips should never be able to live down the fact that he wanted to give a broken-down Cam Newton $25 million a year after three fucking games. Just a tremendous loser.

Cakes are cooking for The Honky Tonk Man, Billy Andrade, Bob Sweeney, Penny Moore, Vincent Brisby, Ace Steel, Mario Haberfeld, Volodymyr Zelensky, Xavi, and Alicia Keys.

Pretty sure there’s a subreddit of people putting cucumbers in their tacos.

Fun fact: The Duke College Women’s basketball team is currently ranked 13th while the men are unranked. You go, ladies!

Eddie Andelman calls that Oriental film that was nominated for Best Picture, ‘Everything All Over the Place.’

Toronto seemed a more logical landing spot for Adalberto Mondesi, what with all the other sons of former MLB players on their squad.

Jennifer Coolidge should have her Golden Globe Award taken away as punishment for those Old Navy ads.

Can werewolves be out in the daytime? Let us know in the comments.

That latest Celtics loss to the Magic? Meh. The 07-08 Celtics couldn’t handle the Wizards. Happens.

Oh dear what can the matter be?

Girl At the Game was locked in the lavatory,

She was there from Sunday to Shabbos day;

Nobody knew she was there.

Orange Line: We are experiencing delays up to 15 minutes while we operate with a reduced fleet. We are working to put additional trains in service as soon as possible.

YOU thought we weren’t getting any snow this year! You did! You did!!

I don’t understand who the target demo is for watching half a dozen future zipper jobs watch games they are allegedly gambling on.

Greetings, gang of Winter Weekend attendees, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “it’s expensive to have baseball players.”

Now which one is Michelle Williams and which one is Julia Stiles?

So I know you all hate construction for existing, but you’re welcome for making your city better anyway.

I didn’t realize I was a gluebag, whatever that is.

You’re not allowed to lecture Pats fans/give out fandom do’s & don’ts if you switched allegiances from the Pats to the Bucs when Tom left, sorrey.

Buzz Aldrin is a steely-eyed missleman.

Did Daryl Johnston raid Freddy Lynn’s closet?

Put the “roid” guys in the Baseball HoF already. Except for The Ohio Con Man. Because fuck him, that’s why.

Showing out, showing out, hit and run
Boy meets girl where the beat goes on
Stitched up tight, can’t shake free
Love is the drug, got a hook on me.

Todd Helton’s stats is that they are SO good they are disorienting, so people ignore them. It’s like when Dick Stuart hit 66 HR in the minors, he said when guys hit 35 the org would get all excited about it, but when he hit 66 they didn’t know what to do, so they just ignored it.

Andy Hart crowdsourcing his hot takes is something else.

Honk if you remember tan M&M’s.

The NFL needs more Eli Apple-types dancing on graves after a win.

Here’s my question about Ted Lasso — what team does Richmond replace in the EPL? I know it’s fiction, but it feels like the kind of small detail that Brett Goldstein would have worked out.

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

How ‘Bout that dumb formation, Cowboys?

With the Bills knocked out of the playoffs, The Union of Concerned Beantown Sports Fans has moved the Doomsdsay Clock back two minutes from midnight, to 5:17.

There’s no way the fault could lie with the Rooney Rule itself.

Wins up in Montreal always feel more valuable. It’s probably due to the exchange rate.

Update: Doug Kyed is still a free agent.

I love that Bill O’Brien’s hiring does not change Patscap’s 2023 Patriots salary cap space number.

The fact that only six movies have ever grossed 2 billion dollars and James Cameron made three of them is kind of ridiculous.

That Bray Wyatt. Amirite?

Kraft made Bill hire a fellow Ivy League football player, Tone.

Nobody cares what you think. Ask Chatham.

Best bet for the weekend: being told GEHA Field at Arrowhead Stadium is very loud.

Peter King: ‘Blah blah blah blah blah. Brock Purdy’s internal monologue: ‘Look at the size of the squash on this guy. Is he even human?’

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sourcesMitch Hedberg, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Posted on my laptop using my phone’s hotspot in my cold car.

And a happy birthday today to Russian-born French professional tennis player Tatiana Golivin.
Bonus Bianca! We’re nice that way.

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