The 15

I feel bad for my fellow Bruins fans, but even worse for another group: drifters.

Ameer Speed being fast is going to be confusing after that whole Lil’Jordan Humphrey situation.

Does Kyrie have any extra thyme we can borrow?

If the Bruins had won, Mayor Ryan was going to send Mayor Wu some Florida bath salts.

Cakes are cooking for Christopher Cross, Bruce Hall, Ron Hextall, Ted Crowley, Christina Hendricks, Tyronn Lue, Joseph Addai, Pom Klementiff, Brooks Koepka, and Rachel Ziegler.

Hockey isn’t even designed to break your heart.

Someone tell Kraft we all think he’s cool so he can knock it off with Meek Mill all the damn time.

Soccer comp is easy tbh. Revs won Supporters Shield two years ago then lost at home on penalties in the first round.

Sidy Sow is a great name for an offensive lineman.

The nice thing about the series loss is you find out who all the better sports fans than you are.

Hey gang of morning zookeeper coworkers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Hey good to hear from you! I’m fine thanks for not asking.”

Tom Caron would like to remind you that the Red Sox are ideally positioned to heal the city. Again.

If you’re going to lose ignominiously in the first round, at least it’s to the hockey-mad burg of Sunrise, Florida.

If any of you are feeling down, just remember that Mac is going to own.

Green Line E Branch Update: Service has resumed between Heath Street and Northeastern.

We did get one last butchered “Jurksztowicz” for the road. Pretty sure Jack just went with “Sophia Yurks” going into one intermission.

I paid extra for the brass grommets!

Well, the good news is that Jackson Mahomes is eligible to be adopted now by Andy Reid.

Is a herniated disk the same as a concussion?

A reunion: Former Packers’ WR Randall Cobb is expected to agree to a one-year deal with the New York Jets, allowing him to play with Aaron Rodgers in NY, per sources. The two men who walked off the field together in Green Bay now get to do more work to do together.

“Baseball is not boring” is a very boring catch phrase.

They love the Patriots more in Hannover, Germany than they do in Hanover, MA.

It’s a good thing there’s no failure in sports. Whew!

Just hang in there. The Yankees can buy out Aaron Hicks’ contract in 2026 for just $1 million. What’s another three years, really?

I keep checking to see if the fire department has been called out to #29 Elmwood Avenue.

Pete Blackburn like, just wears a stocking hat around the house in April?

Coach Sal sez Houck needs to change his pitch sequence.

Where are your seats?

The morning after blues. From my head down to my shoes.

Billy Beane’s famous theorem that the playoffs are “a crapshoot” seems legit.

University of Connecticut: baseball school. Question mark?

The Edmund Fitzgerald, of course was named after the man who captained marine vessels for nine different shipping lines over seventeen years, a Great Lakes record.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Last time there was a WGA strike, the Boston Celtics won the chip…

Honk if you remember when the winds of November come early.

P.K. Subban meant to say, ‘maybe they need to pack a Mila Kunis sized lunch.’

Those Jordan’s Furniture contests get harder every year. “If any Sox player hits a ground rule double over the Green Monster off the left fielder’s head on a Wednesday, you get a free mattress.”

I’m a lifelong basketball guy, but I must say the tension of a tight Stanley Cup game is special.

But there was a drought in ancient Sumeria!

Gerri Green was on the Patriots practice squad in 2019.

Normal aging process!

Rainy Day People does sound like a Jimmy Webb tune, and I mean that as a compliment.

I’d feel worse about the local media’s anti-Bruins sentiment were it genuine. But no one believes Felger, and the ratings book shows that no one listens to Jones.

Sic transit gloria mundi, Matignon hockey.

Best bet for the weekend: the number 5 horse at finishing in the money at Churchill Downs.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. When you reach the part where the heartaches come The hero would be me. Heroes often fail.

Letting the Hawks live: nice for Earth Day, bad for the NBA Playoffs.

NYC’s population of single ladies queueing up to be squired about town by confirmed bachelor Aaron Rodgers!

Klubes. Owning. Only in baseball, Danny.

Leave no doubt, Bruins.

If there were a Lamar Hunt U.S. Open Cup I think I would have heard about it before yesterday.

Brogdon’s worst quality is he looks oddly French.

Fox News should hire Katie Nolan. That spunky gal just needs a chance!

Looking for a cat friendly place to host your next event? Elks Lodge #720 in Nashua is our top choice.

Cakes are cooking for Donna De Varona, Koo Stark, Giancarlo Esposito, Kevin James, Melania Trump, Natrone Means, Chris Perry, Sarah Tueting, Kosuke Fukudome, Stana Katic, José María López, John Isner, and Aaron Judge.

It’s Nesmith not Nesmith, idiot.

He didn’t receive cootie. Cut Desiigner some slack.

Rose! More Sanka!

Hey gang of rocketry enthusiasts! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “As if the flight test was not exciting enough, Starship experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly before stage separation!”

Congrats to all the radio talking men on the big loss last night.

Don’t talk to me about Tom Brady’s longevity. I’m more impressed by Gus Sebring, newly appointed principal horn of the Boston Symphony — after over 40 years(!) with the orchestra. Fantastic.

Trae Young looks like a doll they found in the rubble after a tornado.

Looks like I’m currently blocking 22709 accounts. It used to be far more, but then I completely cleared my block list to give people a second chance.

Harry Belafonte, dead at 96. Deadly black tarantula suspected?

Kingston Line Train 051 (1:18 pm from South Station) has departed South Station and is operating near schedule.

Jason Whitlock should consider investing in a bidet. The break even point would only be a few months.

Happy for Wrexham FC proceeding onward to Single A British football, or whatever the hell happened. Brilliant, innit?

I hope the interns aren’t swamped with DM’s about the Tkachuk shirt.

First the Raiders. Now the Athletics. Will Oakland’s NBA team be next to decamp to Las Vegas, to become the Golden Nugget Warriors?

Ironic NHL fandom for internet content!

Celtics 1-2 in the Playoffs since Jaylen insulted the father of the game.

The local municipal animal control officers caught fewer strays than my guy Gunther over this weekend.

But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find.
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive.

Coordinated yelling certain words during the national anthem is gay.

Why all the blue seats, Jonathan?

I played $2.50 blackjack off-strip in Vegas. I did!

Of each particular thing, ask: ‘What is it in itself? What is its nature?’

But metrics involve averages.

NFL draft, NHL & NBA playoffs, 2-hour MLB games…my kind of week!

Does Jaylen Brown mutter ‘FCHWPO’ under his breath when he does something boneheaded, the way Homer Simpson goes D’oh!?

Dark leafy greens!

Rex Ryan looks like a wrestling manager from a semi-pro federation in the deep south. Loser.

Honk if you remember Al Jaffee.

If Shane Bieber threw a better, more effective sweeper than anyone expected him to throw, would we call that Bieber’s Sleeper Sweeper?

His name is spelled ‘Thanasis’.

Sal? Sofa Scout? Salgernon? Sal Hany? MetamuSal?

All this Aaron Rodgers Jets hype almost has me feeling bad for the 2021-2022 NFL Shiny Object Buffalo Bills.

I can’t believe I bet money on a Revs game. I won, sure, but still.

Jimmy Butler went to the barbershop and asked to look like Whoopi Goldberg in Burglar. Nailed it!

Do baseball games seem faster somehow? Let us know in the comments.

Ime can’t wait to meet all the debutantes in Houston who now work in the Rockets front office.

Best bet for the weekend: A Thai golfer winning the JM Eagle LA Championship.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Not responsible for damage due to shopping carts.

Please consider donating to the ‘Help for Hallie Kyed’ gofundme, it’s for Doug Kyed’s young daughter. Doug, as you know, respects most of what we do. https://gofund.me/1a3dd30a

Mazzulla treating Shaughnessy like a tomato can. You love to see it.

The Angels committing two catcher interferences is just further proof the Red Sox should not be interested in Shohei Ohtani.

Are there a lot of daytime NHL Playoff games this year?

Quin Snyder looks like they just pulled him from a halfway house.

You got respect Wiggs for not selling out for a cushy ‘W’ town coaching gig with elitist brats and their entitled parental asshats. Rather, he’s going to a gritty Brockton program. Absolute respect.

Sox in 2 is going to have to pad things out for that one game!

ESPN2 does a Manning brothers thing where Stephen A Smith talks throughout an entire NBA game. Who is this for?

I know somebody’s either white trash or a trust fund kid when I have to ask, “Which stepfather was that?”

How do I set my TV audio to play at 1.25 speed so that Jack Edwards sounds normal again?

Cakes are cooking for Frank Viola, AL Unser Jr., ‘Suge’ Knight, Ashley Judd, Jeff Wilkins, Jussi Jääskeläinen, James Franco, Kate Hudson, Hayde Christensen, Joe Mauer, Candace Parker, Maria Sharapova, and Loren Gray.

On the topic of rhubarb, seeing rhubarb pie in the fruit pie section is one of my irrational pet peeves.

Fun Fact: Boston Marathon winners Joseph Chebet and Evans Chebet are both from Kenya, but are unrelated!

Worcester Line Train 513 (10:50 am from South Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Natick Center and Worcester.

I had no idea Bill Parcells was such an integral part of the Patriots dynasty. Eagerly awaiting Pete Carroll’s name on the ballot next year.

It took only 12 games into the season for a Red Sox pitcher to openly weep on the mound.

Hey, why is Dale Arnold still on my TV?

Turtleboy’s jacking off all over the internet and yet is worried about his kids seeing drag queens.

Two questions: Does Wiggy’s new job in the Brockton school system mean he can give up his side hustle as a Manny Ramirez impersonator and will he have to teach an English course in addition to coaching?

Just fangirled Catherine Keener at MSG.

Hey gang of consciousness expanders, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Grab me that porcupine and a watermelon. I’m about to make you hear colors.”

You paid $30 for a plane ticket. That’s on YOU.

The Eagles and Jalen Hurts agreed to terms on a 5-year, $255M contract extension that makes him the highest-paid player in NFL history, sources tell me and Tom Pelissero.

By the rude bridge that arched the flood,

   Their flag to April’s breeze unfurled,

Here once the embattled farmers stood

   And fired the shot heard round the world.

The foe long since in silence slept;

   Alike the conqueror silent sleeps;

And Time the ruined bridge has swept

   Down the dark stream which seaward creeps.

On this green bank, by this soft stream,

   We set today a votive stone;

That memory may their deed redeem,

   When, like our sires, our sons are gone.

Spirit, that made those heroes dare

   To die, and leave their children free,

Bid Time and Nature gently spare

   The shaft we raise to them and thee.

While I’m quite sure I could drop baked goods in a bag quite effectively while shitfaced, I’m not sure I’d advertise my plan to do so on social media.

Eggs, black coffee, sunshine. All we need.

Happy 100th birthday, Yankee Stadium; The Ship that Theseus Built.

Nobody watches more SNL than Gerry Callahan.

The New York Post is great at updating you on people who you never would’ve thought of again.

Honk if you remember Greg Meyer.

I wonder if any of you who play in Table Top baseball leagues have noticed this: that players who don’t figure their stats wind up hating on their best hitter. They expect their M Trout to hit .400 with a 2B in every key situation. When he doesn’t, he’s a bum. Responses welcome.

Once a Ranger, Always a Ranger.

Rupert Murdoch’s last wife was Jerry Hall? Imagine her being that old and still finding a guy richer than Mick Jagger?

The Bucks will be fine. They have a spare Antetokounmpo.

Atlanta doesn’t get to host the 2024 DNC, but does get to have the Celtics visit for the next two playoff games.

Verdugo with the two F bombs in his interview. Looks like NESN will be moving to Sirius.

Enablers!

Best bet for the weekend: Road wins for the local teams.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Ralph Waldo Emerson, BSMW poster Hacksaw, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. To be in England in the summertime (Hey) With my love (Hey) Close to the edge (Yeah)

Dale. Everett. Arnold. Three. First. Names. Enjoy retirement.

It’s Sale Day! He’ll get the Rays to allow a loss for the first time this season!

Say, was that the first news Ben Allbright has ever broken?

Jerry Thornton interacting with Super 70s Sports is the comedy version of the two Spider-Man pointing meme.

Easter is an underrated food holiday, IMO.

This Dalai Lama news is not the start to the week anyone needed. What a weird world we are living in.

Jon Rahm? That’s your name? What’s your real name? Before you changed it? Anyway, good job winning The Masters.

If Jim Nantz is my friend, why has he never helped me move?

Well, I for one completely believe the Jaylen Brown broken vase cover story.

Cakes are cooking for Herbie Hancock, David Letterman, Tom Werner, Ron MacLean, Nick Hexum, Roman Hamrlik, Claire Danes, Brian Vandborg, Brooklyn Decker, and Georgia Hall.

Why does anyone care who sponsors a product? Unless it’s David Ortiz sponsoring everything because he’s flat broke.

Felger has fooled more losers into thinking he’s an alpha male than Nick Adams

In the US: We spell certain words different than the rest of the world does. – We REFUSE to utilize the Metric System. – We call football “soccer”. – We call them chicken sandwiches but everyone else calls them “chicken burgers”.

Once the Boston media united behind the “Brogdon never starts games, which means he’s better” narrative, it was over. The Boston Sports Media machine is too powerful, too disciplined. Always has been.

Astonishingly brave of Kirk to defenestrate Gerry now that he is of no further use to him.

I thought Tibetan yak cheese (chhurpi) might be similar to Icelandic hardfiskur, which I really enjoy. It’s a very mild-flavored, extremely hard cheese you allow to soften in your mouth for one to two hours. You can’t chew it, as you can hardfiskur, as it’s far too hard.

Who does the Lama think he is; Tom Brady?

Trade: The Falcons are acquiring Lions CB Jeff Okudah, his agent Kevin Conner confirmed. Conner articulated that the GMs of the two teams involved – Detroit’s Brad Holmes and Atlanta’s Terry Fontenot – made it a seamless, collaborative process. The negotiations were described as amicable and productive throughout, as this deal represents a win-win for both sides. A fresh start for Okudah in Atlanta.

Volin was a most deserving Tournament winner.

The city of Boston is silly fancy and expensive. Not sure how all the sportswriters afford this place.

Masculine horses!

Very excited for Steve Buckley to parade around the corpse of Donnie Beardsley for the next two months.

Kutter Crawford is the new Rac Slider.

The guy who took a high interest loan to buy a Matchbox Car-sized truck is definitely pragmatic.

Blackburn gets his clothes at Build-A-Bear.

Blue Line Update: Shuttle buses continue to replace Train service between Wonderland & Revere Beach. Buses at Revere Beach will pick up/drop off on Beach St. Buses at Wonderland will pick up/drop off at the Wonderland Busway.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

That Jasmine Carson is like shorter, skinnier black female Conner Henry! So really nothing like Conner Henry, I guess.

Hey gang of Chris Pratt fans! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Go get some bitches in your life.”

I think it’s safe to say Tiger is all done as a contender. I was just reading he said he’s been in constant pain. That car accident really did him in unfortunately.

Under blue moon I saw you.
So soon you’ll take me
up in your arms, too late to beg you
or cancel it, though I know it must be

The killing time;
Unwillingly mine.

Fate.
Up against your will.
Through the thick and thin
he will wait until
you give yourself to him.

Weird that Upton Bell isn’t a fan of that popular HBO show about a powerful father and his spoiled, worthless adult children.

Alert: Mars Wrigley now makes caramel cold brew m&ms and my life has changed for the better,

Honk if you remember land speed record holder Craig Breedlove.

Quinnipiac. Nice job winning the Frozen Four. That part of Connecticut is once again part of New England.

I spit on your zither!

Get well soon whichever Morning Zookeeper lost his voice and has to step away from the show.

I’m wearing shorts over the next few days. And you can’t stop me.

Find the word that is not like the other three: A. Flag, B. Banner, C. Pennant, D. Statistic.

I’ve never actually seen a muffin tumble, have you?

DJ Bean’s ample amount of free time could have been put to better use than songwriting.

if you liked Succession you’ll love l’énigme de l’éternité.

Best bet for the weekend: your pick of the four USFL games. It’s Back.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Mitch Hedberg, BSMW poster Big Fat O, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Boom boom, out go the lights.

So that one basketball lady did the ‘you can’t see me’ gesture, the other one pretended she didn’t see her; I don’t know what the problem was.

Alex Verdugo is the first Red Sox player to lead off the first inning of the team’s first game with a triple since Rabbit Warstler in 1931.

The reaction to Florio’s Patriots “news” makes me think normal sports fans are merely wildly outnumbered in this region, as opposed to being hopelessly outnumbered.

Four years of J-school and five years on the beat to tweet out “DM your toppings.”

The former The Fours to become Scores?

Khari becomes the third March Sadness contestant in as many weeks to be made redundant.

Cakes are cooking for Diamond Dallas Page, Cris Carpenter, Paula Cole, Rochelle Walensky, Krista Allen, Tim Coronel, Tom Coronel, Tony Banks, Ross Gload, and Lily James.

Asante Samuel must love getting reminders of the worst moment of his career every few months I guess.

I use to have a real hard time sleeping myself melatonin was a life changer.

Please board Fitchburg Line Train 415 (12:30 pm from North Station) on the inbound platform (Track 2) at Waltham and Brandeis/Roberts today.

Nothing more satisfying than gripping shaft??? Yeah that’s totally an alpha male sort of line.

Don’t you think that when you have a mock draft, you should be required to make fun of everybody as you draft them?

Jim Nantz didn’t die, you weirdos.

The most recent school shooter being trans instead of a MAGA type is like Gerry Callahan’s Christmas morning.

Speaking of Christmas, props to Shalise Manza Young for her grudging edit of her Yahoo Sports piece exculpating Kirk from Gerry’s coded racism.

Some news from Klutch Sports: Agent Nicole Lynn has been promoted to President of the agency’s Football Division.

Fun fact. They returned those towels to Macy’s after the photo shoot.

Do not Google image search ‘gorilla ahole’.

The home run light show is quite frankly beneath the dignity of our lyric little bandbox of a ballpark.

Hey gang of race hustlers as a side hustle, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “So you go have a picnic with your friend.”

There’s a 1 in 555 chance to catch a foul ball.

You up your units if you want to be my pretend online clamdicapper, toots.

Also, it’s hilarious that WEEI fired the gay dude and then the black dude. But Chris fucking Curtis is the indispensable man, though.

These media losers built their audiences off of the Patriots’ success. Gravy train’s slowing down, fuckos. Better make sure those résumés are up to date.

I dial it in and tune the station.
They talk about the U.S. inflation.
I understand just a little.
No comprende, it’s a riddle.

I’m on a Mexican radio,
I’m on a Mexican radio.

Speaking of Southern New Hampshire, I recently realized Ryan Day is married to Stan Spirou’s daughter.

‘Cloaca’ is always good for a laugh.

Yes Ma, I’ll look for the hams at the Market Basket. Yes, I know, the gold foil ones, not the red.

Pussy willows!

Honk if you remember Panamanian baseball infielder Rennie Stennett, one of 3 players to collect 7 hits in a MLB game.

I bet that Kim Mulkey goes through a carton of Misty’s a day.

Oh no. Don’t throw me into the briar patch.

Willis Reed hasn’t pulled a Pat Burns yet? If anyone was going to, it would have been him.

Camden Yards has good corn dogs.

Nature Fact: If you look closely at the tropical plants in the big box home improvement stores you will sometimes see an anole that hitched a ride.

So Pesach is the same as Passover? Good to know.

Will the April Fools Miracle be the high point of the Red Sox season?

You leave that big white goon alone.

Best bet for the weekend; a LIV guy not winning The Masters.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Hacksaw, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Sooner or later, your legs give way, you hit the ground.

This is the first time the Bruins and Celtics both lost on the same night since the last time that happened.

Thanks for the AIDS, Bob. Could have picked a better way to remind everyone you know a previously incarcerated rapper.

Think being a 50-goal scorer for the Bruins places you in some pretty good company?

I don’t know if this is a hot take, but I think college sports fans are way more annoying and vile than pro sports fans.

So WEEI decided to keep the racist but kick the sodomite to the curb?

Cakes are cooking for Earl Campbell, Christopher Lambert, Annabella Sciorra, Billy Beane, Lucy Lawless, Alex Ochoa, Jennifer Capriati, Sylvan Ebanks-Blake, and Teemu Pukki.

Can I find a middle ground where I like that Mina Kimes bodybagged Jason Whitlock but still don’t believe that she should be the GM of an NFL team?

I think a moment of silent appreciation for Fenway Sports Group thoughtfully making sure plenty of good seats are still available for tomorrow’s Opening Day versus Baltimore is in order.

Never run from a bear.

Ah, March. 26 of 30 teams currently projected to be better than they were last season!

Pats cartel 2 Mike Giardi 0

Boston as a sneaker mecca is a tough sell for folks who don’t know… It was wild to live in a place where Adidas, Nike & Reebok were all at war with each other at one point in time but you’d enter Jamaica Plain via the Orange Line and suddenly everyone’s rocking Fila there?

If I wanted to go on a “darkness retreat” I would cruise the Baltic Ocean with my in-laws.

Weird that yet another team in The Association is having Superfund Site-level team chemistry toxicity issues after acquiring Kyrie Irving.

Norah Jones would like pie crust.

May is Stroke Awareness Month, but I don’t think Jack Edwards can wait until then.

News Item: Avocado fries lead new menu items at Fenway Park.

Franklin Line Train 748 (10:23 am from Foxboro) bypassed Forest Hills station today due to track inspection. Passengers may consider the Orange Line for alternative service.

You know you’ve made it, when your address has a letter next to the number.

Barmore’s (alleged) plaintiff done got Farrah Fawcett’d by Kang the Conqueror getting arrested. Sad.

I don’t believe Antionelli’s Cheese Shop is a real place.

Wishing Doug Meehan the best ahead of his surgery for prostate cancer tomorrow.

Hey gang of Ocean State colonial history buffs! This week’s Phrase that Pays is, “Find out if he knows where Ned is.”

I have three already on my phone, but I’m going to download a fourth sports betting app so I can definitely wager on the correct college basketball team to win the from the Final Four. I may be doing this wrong.

It doesn’t matter what I say
So long as I sing with inflection
That makes you feel I’ll convey
Some inner truth or vast reflection
But I’ve said nothing so far
And I can keep it up for as long as it takes
And it don’t matter who you are
If I’m doing my job then it’s your resolve that breaks

Because the Hook brings you back
I ain’t tellin’ you no lie.
The Hook brings you back
On that you can rely.

What a delightful trollop that Paige Spirinac is.

Bill’s selfish desire to win games is going to ruin Kraft’s goal of winning games!

Honk if you remember B. Kliban cats.

While Calais Campbell had several options, he bought in to the vision of Atlanta coach Arthur Smith and GM Terry Fontenot. He’s been to a conference title game with a young team and young QB before and perhaps there are some similarities.

UConn put the ‘Big East’ back into The Big East!

Is The Hoodie on the hotseat?

Always make sure you know who the stepparents are, Harvard Womens Hockey Coach Lady.

RKK knows none of the bad things are RKK’s fault!

Where have you gone, Mensa Matt Wilson? Our collaborative turns its lonely eyes to you, Woo, woo, woo..

Upper Midwest versus the Northeast in the two Frozen Four tilts? Sounds right to me!

Yep, the struggling NFL Network needed to cut weight. Maybe Giardi just isn’t very good at his job?

Curtis doubtless spent his week’s suspension in quiet contemplation of his many mistakes.

You can call #NHLBruins “The Boston Peaky Blinders”.

Best bet for the weekend: baseball games in football weather.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, BSMW poster Uncle Gizmo, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Jane says, “Have you seen my wig around? I feel naked without it.”

And happy shared birthday (same year!) to Elle MacPherson and Jill Goodacre Connick.

“Stay off the roads” they say as they’re driving around showing you how bad the roads are.

Jakobi lateraled away a few million from his bag.

KG wants to know if Marcus Smart’s cereal also tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios.

It’s not MY dead money. Aloha, Jonnu.

Is UConn poised for a March Madness run?

So we give them a bunch of Oscars so they will stop sending us novel coronaviruses, is that it?

There is no such thing as a post June 1 trade.

Craig Teed was just scouting prospects.

Boeheim. And Ewing. Makes you think.

You haven’t heard much about the Ides of May, July, or October for the better part of the past 425 years.

Cakes are cooking for Mark McGrath, Sabrina Salerno, Louis Riddick, Mike Tomlin, Eva Longoria, will.i.am, Kevin Youklis, Daryl Murphy, Tom Chilton, and Tatiana Shmailyuk.

Do YOU ever sit back and contemplate the life jackpot that Taylor Swift hit? Those looks AND that voice in one person. The odds of that genetic combination seem borderline impossible.

I like Marquette’s coach, he speaks well and I’d feel safe around him.

The 1950’s were the height of human athleticism.

That Steven Adams AT&T commercial has big ‘Brian Orakpo, All-Pro Linebacker’ energy.

Service Update: Riders should plan for additional travel time & longer headways on the Red, Orange, Blue, Green & Mattapan Lines this week as T engineers continue to perform repair validations & speed verifications following a DPU site visit last week.

There’s heart attack snow in the heart attack driveway.

Mindy Kaling, she’s from Boston. Home of Harvard University. I’m pretty sure Mindy knows what a trust fund kid is and I’m pretty sure she isn’t one herself.

DePaul and Xavier aren’t original Big East teams?

Short Round was also the kid in The Goonies? Did not know that.

Nicaragua is having a tough World Baseball Classic. Lordy!

Hey gang of disavowed Carmine Hose podcasters, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I could see you being like a sneaky 17.”

Has Josina Anderson ever talked to a honkie NFL player?

Taxing un-realized capital gains is the government’s version of claiming you slept with every woman who wouldn’t go have coffee with you.

Well my wave length gets a little longer,
Every time I wave goodbye,
Sentimental break down,
You know I break down and lie,
Where I’m not supposed to lie my head,
Always seems my softest pillow.

A: Merle Oberon.

Stop using Japanese release dates for video game consoles…

Bob Melvin Saturday Jay Groome–acquired by the Padres for Eric Hosmer last season–may open the season im the majors as a lomng reliever.

Salma Hayek has got to be the hottest 70-year old of all time.

Every time I see a clip for the Barstool Man Cave Gambling Cave thing, I get depressed.

Honk if you remember Pi being irrational.

News Item: Diamond Sports Group, which operates Bally Sports regional networks, has filed for bankruptcy.

YOU drove The Player to a tax haven. You did!

We finally got a History of the World Part 2, but not holding my breath for Rock & Roll Part 3.

Nothing like a tournament at New England Center in Marlborough to put a cap on the Hockey season.

Is every Boston-adjacent celebrity endorsing one of the sportsbooks or is it just my imagination?

Corpus Christi is not an island.

Get well soon, Mr. Springsteen. All the sportswriters, and I mean all of them, are hoping and/or praying for your speedy recovery.

Big battle brewing between Blackburn and Shukri to be Bean’s 6 AM Saturday Revs co-host.

Best bet for the weekend: Not Rutgers. Sorrey!

Know this: Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, as well as Peter Gammons,  Bill James, BSMW posters Feejis, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column, All the things that I used to say, All the words that got in the way, All the things that I used to know have gone out the window. 

I’m going to make so much money with all my free online bets when the sites and apps go live. Suckers! Ka-ching!

“That should have been me!” Chris Sale on Justin Turner’s injury, probably.

NYJ Owner Woody Johnson’s name literally means “an erection.”

Three losses in a row can never just be three losses; they have to be due to an overarching systemic malaise that will doom the team if it happens come playoff time.

Let Merrimack play in the Tourney, Charlie Baker!

You will know things are really bad on the Ja Morant front when they start using his given name.

World Baseball Classic Fever! Catch it! Unless you’re immunocompromised, I guess.

Just wait until whoever the Boston Globe sports editor is discovers another way to take a swipe at the Krafts is by warning the Bruins not to wind up like the 2021 Supporters’ Shield-earning New England Revolution.

Cakes are cooking for Micky Dolenz ,Randy Meisner, Jim Rice, Karl Schnabl, Gary Numan, Buck Williams, Andrea Parker, Jason Elam, Georgios Georgiadis, Hines Ward, James Van Der Beek, Mark Worrell, Milana Vayntrub, and Petra Kvitová.

The way a lot of the media in this town went from shitting on Matt Patricia at every turn to blaming the Patriots for his failures is just tremendous.

It’s said that no one needs a Twitter vacation more than the man just coming back from one.

Aloha means ‘goodbye.’ Michael Palardy, aloha.

Please board all Framingham/Worcester Line trains on the outbound platform (Track 1) at Wellesley Farms through West Natick until further notice today.

It’s crazy that Buddy Holly was only 22 when he died. I think he would’ve been amongst the best musicians ever had he not died so young.

Hey gang of bivalve fanciers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “The world is your winter oyster.”

Lamar Jackson wouldn’t play through pain on his rookie contract. Imagine what it would be like after you give him over $100 million guaranteed? If that’s collusion, then…

News Item: Divorced Dad Buys Pet to Entice Kids to Visit.

Anybody else remember when they used to sell cat food in little single-serving glass jars? Hard to imagine that today. The glass jars would cost twice as much as the cat food.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

The Cowboys have placed the franchise tag on RB Tony Pollard, per source. That means TE Dalton Schultz will hit free agency, after being tagged last year. Pollard’s tag is at $10.1 million.

UMass Mens Basketball played like the .500 team they were in the A10 Tournament. Unfortunately.

Andy Wong just likes having his picture taken!

Congratulations to Mike Reiss for earning a spot in The Framingham High Hall of Fame. If he had written about the Steelers, Mike would probably have been in on the first ballot.

Chosen Anderson? Guess not!

Here in my car
I feel safest of all.
I can lock all my doors
It’s the only way to live in cars.

Here in my car
I can only receive.
I can listen to you
It keeps me stable for days in cars.

So Gorillaz aren’t actually a real band? Like the Monkees? What, what just happened?

Honk if you remember Chaminade versus Virginia.

You watch out, the Rangers are loaded once they have enough players for a whole team!

I saw Jon Lester at the Target Starbucks one year.

Not sure Pau Gasol gets his jersey retired at this moment in time absent Kobe Bryant’s offhand statement that Pau’s jersey should be next to his in the Staples Center rafters.

Daniel Jones with a guaranteed 820,000,000 dimes! Crazy!

Drive over more hotpatch on the road! I can’t!

Spring Training Boston Red Sox are in the rarified territory usually associated with the Baltimore Ravens.

You can’t shout your way out of being wrong, Perk.

Are YOU ready to save daylight?

Best bet for the weekend: Bruins go a month between losses.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Mitch Hedberg, Bill James, BSMW posters Laszlo Panaflex and Kingasaurus, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. So put me on a highway. Show me a sign. Take it to the limit; One more time.

That dead pixel on NESN’s spring training camera? Well, turns out equipment maintenance funds were diverted to Devers contract. Sorrey!

Gotta give the C’s a mulligan over losing to the Knicks. The championship mystique and aura of Madison Square Garden can still affect a visiting squad.

Edmonton fans are awfully yappy for a city that doesn’t have an airport.

Wanting Jalen Ramsey on the Patriots is peak iheardahim.

60 regular season games is plenty for NHL and NBA. Start the playoff(s)already!

What a weather letdown. Soggy and with way fewer inches than promised.

Cakes are cooking for Dirk Benedict, Jan Kodeš, Brian Winters, Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson, Catherine Bach, Ron Francis, Booker T, Tyler Hamilton, Chris Webber, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, Kesha, and Justin Bieber.

Gees, Lent is just starting? I thought it was over. This is the time of year all the Catholics sound like crossfit people.

Here’s a goofy thought experiment. Say we try to derive a power series around 0 such that f(n) is the nth Fibonacci number. Is this possible, and what do the coefficients of the power series look like? Let us know in the comments.

What’s the deal with all the pickleball we’re seeing in TV ads? It’s like the pesto of racquet sports.

Sometimes it’s nice to just turn on talk radio and sit in a chair and listen.

Washington DT Daron Payne became the first player this off-season to receive the franchise tag, per sources. The franchise tag for Payne is projected to be $18.937 million. Washington placed the tag on Payne early Tuesday morning.

Every actor on The Last of Us  is great but hoollllly smokes Bella Ramsey is a revelation.

Garnet Hathaway’s birthstone? Surprise! It’s either citrine, or topaz!

Catch an all-new episode of “Driver’s Ed with MegO, McDonough, and Mutnansky” only on WEEI!

What, does Yale not teach their students to use end punctuation?

Middleborough Line Train 013 (12:30 pm from South Station) is operating 5-15 minutes behind schedule between Quincy Center and Middleborough due to a switch issue.

Hey gang of malcontents, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “If you’ve got two goalies, you’ve got none!”

If Las Vegas was like 75 percent more walkable it would be close to perfect.

Are the eggs ready?

Yes, Anna, attention-span killing Chinese spyware that tells kids to take the Benadryl Challenge is essentially the Library of Alexandria.

The Flames still play in the Saddledome?

Did the Northeastern Hockey team show up with the Beanpot during NU’s exhibition Spring Training game against the Red Sox?

Wouldn’t it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was for just one day?
Wouldn’t it be good if we could wish ourselves away?
Wouldn’t it be good to be on your side?
The grass is always greener over there
Wouldn’t it be good if we could live without a care?

Well it’s a shame that LeBron has a nagging foot injury that will keep him from leading his Lakers team back into the playoff hunt.

Honk if you remember Sierra Mist.

It’s nice to have a backup account you can use for 72 96 hours for no particular reason.

Weenie move scrubbing Twitter of your terrible Ullmark takes when they’re still up at NBCSB, Beano.

Bryant College Mens Basketball is the 6th seed in America East. Will take on #3 UNH.

Richard Belzer’s passing does create an opening for a stand-up comedian who calls everyone, ‘babe.’ Let’s Goooo!!

Those new and improved Cascade Platinum tabs are better than advertised.

KU has had an up and down season, and had dropped out of my Top 10 list 2 or 3 weeks ago. But last year, when they were National Champions, they quite certainly never had a 4-game stretch when they played as well as they have the last 4 games.

When are we getting that second album, Willis Alan Ramsey?

The Bruins are the best team in the league. So if you can force unnecessary changes, you just have to!

Who said Dame?

Best bet for the weekend: the March Sadness Selection Committee burning the midnight oil.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, plus the members of #the15 were used in this column. Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam. Do the jitterbug. Out in the muskrat land.