Robert and Jonathan Kraft are fully committed to easing the tensions and atoning for the inhuman working conditions at Gillette Stadium under the Previous Regime That Shall Not Be Named.
The Kraft Family pulled out all the stops for Coach Mayo’s Patriots Media Happy Hour this week, bringing in one of the great singer/songwriters of all time to entertain their esteemed media guests: The Piano Man, Billy Joel.
William. Martin. Joel.
It’s nine o’clock at Media Day
The regular slobs shuffle in
Krafty Bob’s seated next to me
Makin’ love to his tonic and gin
Here’s to metal benches and custodians!
He says, “Son, can you play me a memory?
I’m not really sure how it goes
But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete
When I was paying Bledsoe through the nose.”
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da, da-dum
“Remember when is the lowest form of conversation.”
Sing us a song, Mr. Charlatan
Sing us a song tonight
Well we’re all in the mood for some tummy rubs
And you’ve got us feelin’ all right
Now,Tom E. at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there’s someplace that he’d rather be
He said, “Phil, I believe this is killing me,”
As the smile ran away from his face
“Well, I’m sure I could nab Ian Rapoport’s job
If I could get out of this place.”
Think again, Joyboy.
Oh, la, la-la, di-di-da
La-la di-di-da, da-dum
Simple Ben is an idiot columnist
With a mail-order bride for a wife
And he’s talking with Dumb Andy
Who’s still on the JV
And probably will be for life
Actual size.
And Coach Mayo is practicing politics
While the mediots slowly get stoned
Yes, they’re sharing a drink called incompetence
But it’s better than drinking alone
Suck up to us, Mr. Charlatan
Suck up to us tonight
Well, we don’t really care if you win a game
As long as you serve us Bud Light
Stacey James, not #OOTG.
It’s a pretty good crowd for media day And Stacey James gives me a smile ‘Cause he knows that it’s me they’ve been coming to see To forget about Bill for a while
Ben McAdoo thinks it’s a carnival And Van Pelt, he drinks all the beer And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar And say, “Man, thank god that you’re here.”
Modern sports media and its consumption is tightly wound in a disingenuous ball, trust fund kids acting as rats in a race searching for the angle that’ll get them the most attention. A cross to nail someone or themselves on, with the secret knowledge there is a chance they’ll be proven right incidentally regardless of what their overall point was.
The “Celtics shoot too many threes” accusation makes the rounds via Twitter, various podcasts and columnists, and it’s not like Celtics coach Joe Mazzulla is willing to play grab ass with the media to dull the knives. He’s a steely-eyed psycho who acknowledges the limited effect(s) he has on the game and can only help to taxi the flight back to the runway in one piece.* If the Celtics win the title this year, they’ll be no parade for Mazzulla, no vindication, only “You were supposed to, and these aren’t even your plays – they’re Udoka’s”, but it they fall short via Jimmy Butler and his playoff bullshit, or Caleb Martin and the Heat enjoying another outlier series shooting the ball, then he’ll be vilified as the man who screwed the Celtics out of a title. After all, the narrative pushed by “Celtics fan” Bill Simmons is Mazzulla didn’t get along with Marcus Smart, and the Celtics doubled down on their coach over their heart and soul, and this is how he repaid them???
“Um, did YOU write The Book of Basketball, caller? You did not write The Book of Basketball.”
Mazzulla is not doing anything that goes against the grain to earn this sort of scrutiny, and his coaching habits are par for the course. Every team “plays like the Warriors” nowadays, in fact, the Celtics are probably the most diverse team currently in how they mix in inside action with Kristaps Porzingis. Many teams do not have the ability to shoot and make the high variant of threes like the Celtics and enjoy the splendor of the added dimension Porzingis has brought in, and Mazzulla deserves credit for integrating him so smoothly given the issues Rick Carlisle had in Dallas doing the same thing. Sadly, no one ever says that.
If the Golden State Warriors went and jumped off a bridge, would Mazzulla tell the Celtics to do that too?
Because this is the NBA, where players win games and coaches lose them. Only Erik Spoelstra as of now can make the argument he can strategize around certain defeat. Mazzulla cannot go toe-to-toe with Spoelstra, and the hope is he won’t have to. It’s not uncommon for the better coach to lose because the lesser one had the better team. And for all intents and purposes the Celtics appear to be the better team. They just have to play like it and that all rests on the shoulders of Jayson Tatum. The evolutionary Paul George. Defensive switchblade, underrated court vision, can score from all three levels with a coolness Celtics fans haven’t seen since Larry Joe Bird.
But there is one fabled test No. 0 must pass in order to truly get over the hump. The stage is set for him to do it, like it was for Bird in ‘81, LeBron James in ‘12, Giannis in ‘21. The team is a well-oiled machine, chock full of talent whose positive attributes are infectious even to the marginal bench players enjoying fruitful stints on the hardwood. It’s an environment you want for your superstar entering his prime. The athleticism is there, the experience is there, he’s gone toe-to-toe with the best the league has to offer and has no reason not to hold his head up high.
Yet… something is missing and that something is assertiveness. That something is when the world is crumbling all around you, the momentum is no longer on your side and your teammates aren’t getting their shots to go in due to the moment consuming them, can Tatum rise up, take the rock and barrel into contact like even a Butler with the full confidence in his ability to finish or at least draw a foul?
That’s what’s going to be the real moment of truth for the Celtics. Not Mazzulla and his timeouts, or if the three-point well runs dry – that last point is expected because it happens virtually to every team except the one who wins the championship. It’s how will Tatum respond when the team is up against it — and the breaks are beating the boys will No. 0 win one for Lucky?
The Business remains Unfin18hed.
Vinny Jace appears on the Entitled Weekend podcast. He does not live on the South Shore.
January – Gabby Starr of the Boston Herald is a Woman in Sports
The Boston Herald hired Gabrielle Starr as a Red Sox reporter, over our strong objections, and dispatched her on her first assignment to cover the Red Sox Winter Weekend in Springfield. Hilarity ensued:
What? You might ask, why not drive the five minutes to your hotel, and write your story ahead of the deadline, you know, for your job in a warm room using the hotel’s wifi? Because you won’t get any Margaret Bourke-White stolen valor doing that.
Adam Jones Moves from 98.5 to WEEI Afternoon Drive Time Cohost
Jones was reunited with Christian Arcand on the new show, which also boasted Meghan Ottolini as a cohost. Jones’s addition was part of a recent deck chair rearraigning at WEEI, which included saying aloha to afternoon host Lou Merloni, moving Christian Fauria from afternoon drive to middays, and banishing Rich Keefe from middays to evenings.
Oddly, in a head-to-head matchup the listeners preferred the actual Michael Felger to the Great Value version of him, leading to ratings low enough to implode a poorly constructed submersible with the loss of all hands. Figuratively.
February –Evil Tony Did a Racism
Tomy Masserotti thinks all Black people steal cars!
This admission against interest led to a short suspension for Mazz, and sensitivity training for the entire Beasley Boston group.
However, the promotion of Cerrone ‘Dark Bertrand’ Battle who previously was involved in sports podcasts and Celtics playoff postgame shows to nighttime and weekend programming contributor in June was purely coincidental.
Midcoast Maine Needs Starlink
Ostensible Boston Globe media columnist Chad ’98 point’ Finn would have liked to have covered the Racist Mazz story, he really would, but Midcoast Maine, where he was, had no internet. Sad. Fix it, Elno!
March – Chris Curtis Nip-Gate
‘Nip’ is both New England regional slang for 50 ml miniature liquor bottles, and a historic racial slur for those from Japan (Nippon) in particular and can be extended to include all Asians in general. Keep that in mind when Chris Curtis lists ‘Mina Kimes’ as one of his top Nips:
Curtis would later claim he meant to say Mila Kunis and not Mina Kimes. Right. This led to a week-long suspension for Curtis. All fix!
Just look at him. He said what he meant to say.
The League isn’t about Mike Giardi anymore
6 weeks ago, I was covering the Super Bowl for @nflnetwork. This week, I was informed that I'm being bought out as part of the long rumored budget cuts. I gave them my very best. I'll give the same going forward. Greatly appreciate those who believed in me. On to the next.
Giardi would later be picked up by Greg Bedard’s CLNS-underwritten vanity website BSJ in July.
May – Fred Toucher Misses Time at Work Due to Throat Issues, Quickie Little Stint in Detox.
Having lost his voice earlier that month due to ‘throat issues’, Toucher checked himself into the facility on Sunday for a 72-hour treatment. With Sunday and the holiday Monday not counting toward those hours, was released from the facility on Thursday morning, allowing him to return to work on Friday.
Going Great!
Shukri Wrights Place Wright Time
2023 was the year of Shukri Wrights. And Shukri Wright. And Shukri White. All Shukris everywhere really. And Shukri Wright(s) really was everywhere. The podcaster, early-30s college radio host, TikTok video maker, and Bleaver – finally got his big break, calling women’s college hockey on ESPN+ (they got his name correct in time for his last game). Then, in late spring, Shukri finally got his big break and booked several national radio call-ins that some people almost listened to on SportsMap Radio. The record-setting Bruins may have flamed out, but Shukri didn’t, finally getting his big break as the inaugural editor and beat reporter for the Boston Bruins page on The Hockey News. Shukri provided his unique coverage during the Bruins busy period after the free agent signing period but before training camp began, but got his big break covering the retirement of Bruins legend Patrice Bergeron. In true Shukri form, he didn’t write an article for his new media outlet, instead crossposting a TikTok video reaching dozens of younger fans via algorithm. His time at THN was short-lived though, as the New York native and lifelong-Beantownian left Boston before the season started for his hometown of Philadelphia in the Commonweath of Pennsylvania, It was there in the City of Brotherly Love that Shukri finally got his big break, becoming a contributor to Fox Sports PHL Gambler. In his spare time, Shukri likes to check out many great restaurant.
June – All Hat Nick Cattles Plumb Ain’t Rustled Up No Local Radio Job
Journeyman Nick Cattles, late of stints with 98.5, WEEI, and ESPN Radio departed his radio gig in the Golden State’s Capitol City, at the 50,000-Watt blowtorch Sactown Sports 1140 AM in order to spend more time with his family on the East Coast. Really. Nick had been there since 2021, also wearing the program director hat for a time.
Cattles could not have chosen a worse time, as it happened soon after another round of layoffs in sports media, particularly effecting ESPN and The Athletic. However, he still has his family and his podcast.
November – Toucher & Rich Done For Good
Sports Hub stalwarts since Day 1 back in 2009, Fred ‘Toucher’ Toettcher and Richard ‘Rich’ Shertenlieb’s slow-motion conscious uncoupling became official late in November with the announcement that Fred signed a contract extension, while Rich chose not to do the same. One Rob ‘Hardy’ Poole will replace Rich in 2024.
Thanks go out to the entire Local Collaborative, and especially to Officer Santos, Rex Dart, andthe unaffiliated (Sideshow Bob groan) ‘Cully’ for their contributions to this post.
The15net dot com wanted to know what the reaction was from the local plover community to Mr. Breer’s tweet. Fortunately, one of our interns is in a pre-veterinary program with an emphasis on exotic animals and was happy to visit the coast and conduct and interview with the aggrieved avian:
The15: Good afternoon, what should I call you; your banding number?
Good afternoon to you. No need for such formality, you can call me Ed.
The15: Your name is Ed Plover?
Is that a problem?
The15: No. So then Ed; what was your reaction to this inflammatory tweet?
First off, I resent being compared to rats. They are one of our natural predators. And everyone knows that pigeons are the real flying rats, although a case can be made to extend that slur to herring gulls. If anything, we are like chipmunks, tiny, cryptically colored, and adorable. Secondly: how on earth can a tiny sparrow-sized shorebird be menacing? All we do is patrol the shoreline, foraging for crustaceans, insects, and marine worms to eat. Haven’t you seen us running comically back and forth avoiding the waves? Hours of entertainment! We get menaced by crows, racoons, foxes, and wild and domestic cats! And big, stupid humans like Breer. Furthermore, how can someone who get this, was arrested and charged with the actual crime of ‘Menacing‘, have the complete lack of self-introspection to then call me, a little piping plover, a menace? Talk about irony deficiency!
In the 20+ years since this mugshot, Bert has lost the freshman fifteen and learned nothing.
The15 – It does boggle the mind.
And as for when he was lugged for “answering an urgent call of nature”; he’s not a bird, he doesn’t have a cloaca, as far as I know. He’s a higher form of animal life, allegedly, and yet he was caught whipping his thingie out and whizzing all over Chittendon Avenue like a pigeon messing on a statue! The important thing to remember about him is that he’s a spoiled little rich boy. A literal heir to the Redenbacher popcorn fortune! Why I hear tell Bert’s great grandfather was at Fenway on a popcorn sales call for Jackie Robinson’s infamous workout and uttered some variation of “get that plover off the dune.” And he used his daddy’s money to fight that public indecency charge all the way to the Ohio Supreme Court. Compared himself to a disabled veteran too. Can you believe this guy? “Oh Noes! I can’t drive right onto the beach!” He hasn’t been this disappointed since he didn’t get accepted to Michigan! He hasn’t been this sad since Jack Tatum croaked! You wanna know what really ruins a summer? Getting squished under two tons of conspicuous consumerism. Does he get off of seeing marine life killed? There was that ghastly picture of that poor dead sea turtle he posted that one time, remember that? I don’t get it; a Kraut like him should have a natural disinclination to seeing big American vehicles driving up onto beaches.
I believe his family is Austrian, not German.
Well, schnitzel, spaetzle; all the same to me. Surprised he didn’t try a panzerfaust attack on the Patriots duckboats during their parades. The only thing this Boys From Brazil Hitler clone-looking nullity has ever earned are arrests and suspensions. Hey, I got one for you: what’s the difference between a seagull and Bert Breer?
The Boys From Brazil – 1978 – 20th Century Fox
The15 – I don’t know.
A seagull can get into Gillette Stadium! Ha ha! It’s funny because Breer is banned from there. He got suspended at the NFL Network, and somehow gets the MMQB job at Sports Illustrated, although people still think Peter King is still there. Bert’s really hasnt put his mark on the place. Unlike a fence in C-Bus! And yet he keeps failing upward! I mean, it’s like the saying, ‘He found a fried clam and now he thinks he’s Chubby Woodman.’
The15- That’s a saying?
It is among the shorebird community. And just a reminder to you bipeds, we descended from dinosaurs. We have lived on the coastal dunes for centuries; you are the arrivistes. And some of you people could use the extra few steps getting from a parking lot to a beach. Blubbery like a harbor seal. Just sayin’. Live and let live. We just want to scrape out a nest, brood our young, and then maybe migrate to the Bahamas for the winter. I don’t quite know why we’re here, I guess Duxbury worms just hit different. But you don’t see us trying to take over Bertie’s natural habitat, his couch during football season, do you? As you know, we’re endangered. (WA: Threatened in MA) In fact, the only thing rarer than a plover’s nest is an Albert Breer scoop!
The15- Food for thought. Any last words?
I think he just might hate us because we plovers have a longer mating season than Mrs. Breer. Heyoooo!
Emily Olivia Anderson is an intern for The15net dot com. Edward Moore Plover resides on the dunes in Duxbury.
The votes have been counted, and it will be two employees of The Baseball Paper squaring off in the Final. But before then, 3rd place must be decided. Felger. Masserotti. You know who they are, and what they do. Polls close at Noon Wednesday, April 5th, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.
Will the final matchup be co-host versus co-host? Globie vs. Globie? Or some combination thereof? Polls will remain open until Noon EDT tomorrow, Tuesday April 4th. Consolation match voting commences 3 PM EDT Tuesday until Noon Wednesday, April 5th, and Championship voting from 3 PM EDT Wednesday until the same time Thursday.
Time to decide who the worst in each Region is. Voting open until Noon EDT Saturday, April 1. Accompanying graphics courtesy of Midjourney AI image generation.
Prompt: Tony Massarotti 98.5 sports hub laughing from inside a schoolhouse as he locks Ruby Bridges out of the building.
Prompt: Albert Breer mugshot from college. AI response: this appears to be Buzz McCallister from ‘Home Alone.’ To help us improve performance click Y if this is accurate.
Prompt: Boston Glove Chris Gasper and his amazing beard.
Prompt: a painting by Dali called “The Persistence of Murray” only the clocks are ketchup bottles.
Prompt: Ben Volin of the Boston Globe reaches across the event horizon of a black hole to reach a pair of floating mittens
Prompt: Dan Shaughnessy drives across the California state line trying to remember if he packed his rubbers
Prompt: Michael Felger sits in a chair. There are napkins covering his body. Gene Lavanchy the host of Fox 25 is standing next to a bed. Gene is hugging Sara Underwood. Gene is smiling. Michael is sad.
Prompt: former New England Patriot Ted Johnson is chased by townsfolk
(Stick tap to Don Konopka & John for the AI prompts & images)
Now for the two remaining Regions, V and N to tussle and further reduce the mediot field of competitors. Polls will remain open for 24 hours, until 10:00 AM EDT Wednesday, March 29th.
(Note: # 1 Seed Volin has been given a 2-vote lead.)
The 15 