Thirty-two local media members left. Here’s how this will play out:
Six contests begin voting today, another six tomorrow, and on Monday, the matchup from each Region the Selection Committee decided was the most potentially competitive or entertaining.
Ted Johnson & Ben Volin in laughers, Haggs in a squeaker, Breer, Finn, Lifshatz, Reimer, & McCarthy advance.
This is it, the big magillah. Look at these names; look at them! It’s gonna be tough, but the15 have faith in you, our readers. Courage.
Due to weather, polls will remain open until 6 PM tomorrow, Thursday, March 10th.
Please cast your votes below. Polls will remain open until 1:30 PM EST tomorrow, March 9th. Everybody have fun tonight!
A minor upset in the 8 vs. 9 matchup, apparently to know Marshall Hook is to hate him. Otherwise higher seeds advance.
Here’s ‘Patrick from Andover del Norte’ again;
Region U, I mean Region V, preview…
Dan Shaughnessy (1) vs Ken Laird (16) The only way Laird is pulling off this upset is if he finally bites the bullet and makes the switch to Country 93.7. Short of that, the increasingly irrelevant Dan Shaughnessy advances. Don’t expect a deep tournament run from 2011 Father of the Year.
Duke Castiglione (8) vs Hardy (9) Did you know that Hardy isn’t his real name? He’s actual Robert Poole. Did you know that Duke’s first name is actually Joseph? Joe Castiglione Jr has a better nom de guerre than Rob Poole. In this tournament that means Bobby Poole pulls off the minor upset. If anyone knows where he’s working now, please congratulate him.
Kevin Paul Dupont (5) vs Jimmy Stewart (12) There must be a lot of cat fanciers on the selection committee. How else can you explain the low seeding for the feline fetishist? I’m not even sure if KPD is still alive. Sorry TICA members, even the least athletic man on the planet can’t lose to a dead guy. J Stew to Round 2.
Fred Toucher (4) vs Jermaine Wiggins (13) Is Fred the zookeeper with the plain black hat or the one with the spindly arms? Both, neither, who cares? It’s amazing that the dominant morning drive program in a sports crazed region is hosted by such a banal, carpetbagging milquetoast on-air personality. Speaking of toast, Wiggy was the toast of the town 20 years ago, and now he’s a spot performer on Radio Titanic’s morning show. You can’t get much sadder than that. Wiggins advances.
DJ Bean (6) vs Mutt Mutnansky (11) DJ Bean wants to be an irritant. DJ Bean thinks he’s pulling the wool over your eyes. DJ Bean likes to pretend to be ambiguous in the hopes that someone will take the bait. DJ Bean craves attention. DJ Bean doesn’t escape the first round. Mutt keeps clinging to his media aspirations, and he can keep clinging on into round two.
Chris Gasper (3) vs Sean McAdam (14) These two put the sad in March Sadness. Kid Gas left the dying print media for the bright lights of television, quickly failed at narrating highlights, and had to scurry back to the Globe. McAdam works for Greg Bedard, although since he most likely isn’t getting paid, McAdam should really be classified as a volunteer. Gasper matriculates to the subsequent echelon.
Rich Keefe (7) vs Meg Ottolini (10) Rich Keefe wears baseball batting gloves when he plays wiffleball. Sad. People are constantly telling Meg-O how funny she is, and she believes them. Sadder. Ottolini moves on.
Ron Borges (2) vs Christian Arcand (15) On a day when they could have seeded other irrelevant dinosaurs like Eddie Andelman or Bob Ryan, the committee made disgraced plagiarist Ron Borges a 2 seed, a man who once knocked the hat off the head of a crippled boxing writer, and who claims that, if they had gone to school together, he would have taken all of Bill Belichick’s quarters. Christian Arcand, better luck next year. Ronny the Portuguese Man o’ War advances.
Continuing, here’s Old Friend ‘Mike on Route One’:
TED JOHNSON
Why he’ll win
After failing to make the previous tournament, Ted capped off a shocking regular season with a 2 seed in the T region thanks to his scorching hot Patriots takes. He faces off against giant killer “DeathCat” Michael Holley in the first round, a mediot who features such pelts as Dale Arnold and Glenn Ordway on his wall. Not exactly your typical 15 seed. If Ted can avoid falling into Holley’s famed “repeat 2x” offense he has a real shot at making it to the round of 16 thanks to a cupcake Perillo/Yellow Teeth McCarthy matchup in the second round.
Why he won’t win
This region is absolutely loaded. As we know, experience matters. It’s a talent game in March and either Bert Breer or Ben Volin loom in the regional final. Additionally, like heavy armor in Ukrainian mud, are we even sure how his neck bolts will hold up once the sledding gets tough against the iron of this field? Make more disjointed metaphors.
CHRIS GASPER
Why he’ll win
Gasper had an incredible regular season and endured a lot of turmoil to get here. Even with the distraction of changing “jobs”, Chris managed to stay pot committed to his Mac Jones takes. His wildly entertaining style of takes – Phi Synonym-a – has endeared him to fans this past year. But somehow, the committee did not reward him with a higher seed. Despite this, his first round matchup against Sean McAdam, who I’m not even sure is still in sports, is a walkover. From there, he will move on to face, in all likelihood, DJ Bean in the round of 32. Mothers lock up your daughters, this matchup is going to be a dog fight, a phone booth game, and played in a very dark place. (and I don’t mean a vineyard Night) Whoever emerges from this will have proven that they can take a pounding. Look for Gasper to come out on top.
Why he won’t win
The voters are very much committed to legacy. Dan Shaughnessy is human vomit, obviously. But has he done enough this year to merit the generous seeding? (Dan is, of course, a generous seeder himself) It’s tough to envision a scenario where Kid Gas goes toe-to-toe with Shank. It might be closer than you think but it doesn’t feel like it’s Chris’ time yet. He’s going to come at the king, so he best not miss. (note: I’ll bet you a free TruCoat that Chris has tweeted some variation of “best not miss” because he’s an erudite consumer of high culture like The Wire, but also, he has a significant amount of “street cred” as they call it.) Sadly, for this single ploy pinto, he won’t make it to the Final Four.
ANDY GRESH
Why he’ll win
Let it not be said that Moe Gresh doesn’t have big game experience. The man played with his hand in the dirt and in his nose. When you’ve competed at the highest levels of football (Rhode Island) and you almost beat Hofstra that one time, your resume speaks for its flippin’ self. What kind of cat is Gresh? One that knows how to win.
Why he won’t win
A 2 seed!? A 2 seed!? (you should read that in the incredulous Michael Holley voice) The committee must have had a bad ice cube whilst seeding the N region. Even if he manages to squeak by the Greek Freak John Karalis, he’s headed for a buzzsaw in the most underseeded mediot of the tourney, one Tom E Curran. This is just a bad matchup for Gresh. Curran is peaking at the right time (the last six years) and Gresh is giving time and temp with a mumbling Rick Teef.
FITZY
Why he’ll win
Speaking of Greeks, he’s by far the best Hellenic-masquerading-as-a-Mick in the entire field. Fitzy is a real riser, a stretch 4 (see because his face looks like pulled taffy) who could make some noise in the early rounds. If you didn’t think the committee had a sense of humor, look no further than the laugh riot matchup in the round of 32 between Fitzy and Big Gym Murray. Like Rickles and Pryor in their primes. There’s no love – or scally caps – lost when these two get together.
Why he won’t win
Fitzy? More like can’t-fit-see-him-advancing-to-the-sweet-sixteen.
LOU MERLONI
Why he’ll win
Wanna see him pull a deep run out of his hat? The Fabulous Merloni, back for another run. His hair is the same natural color as another proven March winner, Coach K. He’s had historical success in the poles [sic] and the Big Dance. (The Mashpee Ballet)
Why he won’t win
What? You don’t think he’s gonna win the whole damn thing? Sniff. Ok. Ok. Fine. Sure. You’re gonna bet against the guy who has to matchup against the overall 1 seed who is currently stomping his dick 24-3 in the ratings? Ok. Fine. Sure. Sniff.
First Round Schedule:
Region N – March 6 Region V – March 7 Region C – March 8 Region T – March 9
Voting will begin tomorrow, March 6th to determine the most hated mediot in the Greater Boston listening, viewing, and reading area. (NB: As John Tomase won the most recent Tournament conducted by our predecessor organization BJBSJ in 2019, he is therefore ineligible, and not an oversight on our parts. cheers.)
Sunday Night Football this week brings a bittersweet feeling to the area. Much like Robert Parish’s Chicago Bulls ring, many in the area wish that Tom Brady just called it quits and retired as a member of the New England Patriots. Many will speculate as to why he left. Disrespected, sick of the coach, wanted to keep playing, money, all of the above, none of the above. Just like someone with an iPhone thinks that they are Ansel Adams, and someone selling GAP insurance on auto loans thinks that they are an epidemiologist, the local media failed its followers, yet again. Stories blaming the coach, the owner, the player…they’ve all surfaced this week. Much like declining a call from TEC, some conversations are better kept to themselves.
Someday, Bill, or Tom, or maybe even both, will write the book. Until then, all of the stories and speculation are simply heresay. This is the last we will speak of this matter for a few paragraphs.
This is a large game for the Patriots, and mainly because it can get them to 2-2 early in the season. Unlike the Indianapolis Colts, the Patriots understand that there are no banners hung for regular season records, or anything that goes on in the regular season (except that blasphemous 16-0 banner that was hung after the 2007 season). A large part of this game is going to hinge on the health of Trent Brown. I firmly believe that he would have been out there last week, but they wanted to give him one more week to get healthy; as this is going to be more of a pass protect line this week.
Tampa Bay comes to Foxboro off a 10 point road loss in Los Angeles. Matthew Stafford threw for 343 yards and 4 TDs in a game that wasn’t even as close as the final score indicated. Look for New England to play fast on offense. Losing an offensive weapon as versatile as James White is not going to be easy as well, but as the Patriots mantra has always been, next man (sic) up.
From a defensive standpoint, look for the Patriots front line to be a key factor in the game. As reported by the fake/real/not sure Spike King, it appears that former Arizona Wildcat star TE Robert Gronkowski is going to be doubtful out for this game. That said, the weapons that the Bucs bring in on offense are quite impressive. Former domestic abuser and sexual harasser turned non-Patriot and now great guy Antonio Brown is likely to play this week, after missing last week due to COVID concerns. I have a call in to my doctor friend, Jim in Peabody to see if he will be okay or if he will need to be masked during the game. Mike Evans and Orenthal James Howard also bring spark to the Tampa Bay offense. Can expect numerous defensive backs shuttling in and out for the Patriots, in an effort to stay fresh.
Abbott and Costello. Peanut Butter and Jelly. Coffee and Cigarettes. Benzos and MAGA talk. None of these the same without the other. The same has been said for Brady and Belichick. Yet, the first chapter has already been written. We’ll see what the next chapter has in store.
The Buccaneers come in as a 7 point road choice. It’s all the same; only the names have changed. Except for the man coaching the Patriots. The Owl. Since the year 2000, the Patriots are 9-2 ATS in games they are grabbing 7 or more. I’ll take the points. Think this ends up a FG game at the end. Time will tell who comes out on top.
Sunday brings us the showdown that we’ve all been waiting for. So, friends, get your apple picking out of the way sooner than later. Enjoy the Saco IV show. Get all those pesky chores done a little early. While we all know Saturdays are For the Boys, we might have to extend that into Sunday this week.
S. Tzu-Pei is an Intern and Lead NFL Writer for The15.
The Patriots host the New Orleans Saints in a week 3 tilt this upcoming Sunday. If there is one thing that Bill Belichick preaches, it’s “ignore the noise.” It’s posted all over the facility. For this reason, the team will not be caught “looking ahead,” as some college teams may do the week before a rivalry game. New England faces a Saints team coming off a loss in Carolina, where they made Sam Darnold look like John Elway. This is likely because they are led by one of the most overrated coaches in NFL history.
The pill popping, pedophilia priest pandering Payton brings his team to Foxboro in a battle of the 1-1s. New Orleans did beat the Green Bay Packers week one, but I expect that to be a paper victory in hindsight, as Green Bay looks like a team that has implosion written all over it.
Jameis Winston, once rumored to be a potential QB in New England by a local podcast, comes in off of a 11/22 performance with 2 INTs. He will face a confident Patriots secondary, coming off of a 4INT game, allowing an average of 185 ypg in the air. Look for pressure to come from the front even more so on Sunday, forcing Winston to think on his feet.
Offensively the Patriots will have a similar game plan. New Orleans has the #7 defense in the league, allowing an average of only 66 ypg on the ground. Again, as the late Lee Corso says, “not so fast my friend.” Christian McCaffrey ran for 72 yards last week, with a TD. This was the first true test that the Saints faced against a decent RB. Apologies to former BC Eagle, AJ Dillon. For anyone complaining about Matt Jones’ lack of pass attempts, they clearly do not understand Patriots football or have watched a game in the last 20 years. Each week brings a complex game plan. Some weeks it’s ground and pound, some weeks its pass all day. The first three weeks’ opponents have dictated the offensive game plan.
Although this is Truly not a space for prognostications, this is a Patriots/Over play. Go get ‘em Jasper.
S. Tzu-Pei is an Intern for The15.
The 15 