It’s a big weekend for fans of celestial events! Not only will the full Beaver super moon be aligning with the Pliades star cluster each night, but the Leonid meteor shower will be peaking in the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. So grab the lawn chair and a blanket and get out there. If you’re looking for me I’ll be sleeping in your bed, so please leave the electric blanket on.
In space no one can hear you “meow”
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Packers (-5) at Bears Meat men send Bears to early hibernation
Jaguars at Lions (-13.5) Lions maul my good friend Mac
My good friend Mac before the Lions horribly disfigured him
Raiders at Dolphins (-7) The Autumn Wind is a Raider, pillaging just for fun. He’ll knock you ’round and upside down, and laugh when he’s conquered and won.
Just win baby
Rams (-5) at Patriots Mayo’s merry men keep the good time vibes rolling along.
Fake news!
Browns at Saints (-1) Dark Elf magic house of Saints
Ravens (-3) at Steelers Men of Steel cage Scary Black Birds
“Hello in the box!”
Vikings at Titans (-6) Vikings flatten Tits
Colts at Jets (-4) The new Undersecretary for Human Services leads the Jets to victory
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Falcons at Broncos (-2.5) Falcons thrive in the thin air
Seahawks at 49ers (-6.5) Purrdy downs Fake Sea Birds
Chiefs at Bills (-2) For thousands of years, Native Americans relied heavily on buffalo for their survival and well-being, using every part of the bison for food, clothing, shelter, tools, jewelry and in ceremonies. Except the wings oddly enough. Chiefs remain undefeated.
These are even better than chicken fingers
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Bengals at Chargers (-1.5) Stripey Cats drain Bolts batteries
I bet my Nana still has some of these in her junk drawer
MONDAY PROWL TIME Texans (-7.5) at Cowboys Fun Fact: The flags of six countries have flown over Texas. Don’t mess with the Texans.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat
Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots are on a perfectly executed path to future dominance at the quarter mark of the 2024 season, and anyone who doubts this could be missing the bigger picture. Despite their current 2-6 record, which is simply a minor blip on their trajectory, the Patriots have laid the foundation for what will surely be a return to glory in the coming years. Head coach Jerod Mayo has created a master plan that emphasizes long-term growth, and we are seeing the early stages of a renaissance!
First, let’s talk about the defense. Christian Gonzalez and Keion White are emerging as superstar talents. Gonzalez has been a shutdown corner, neutralizing some of the league’s top wide receivers, and White is already one of the best pass rushers in the NFL with four sacks in just four games, on par with elite defenders like Myles Garrett. It’s clear this defensive duo will lead the league for years to come.
Jerod The Inspiring is wearing The Pin. How can you do any less!?!
On offense, while some may criticize the passing game, the Patriots are playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. Rhamondre Stevenson is a beast, leading a ground attack ranked 12th in the league, averaging 127 rushing yards per game. Forget the fumbles; that’s just the universe throwing obstacles in the path to greatness. With time, Stevenson’s ball security will match his explosive playmaking ability, making him one of the most feared backs in the NFL. Yes, the offensive line has had some hiccups, but that’s just part of the Patriots’ master plan to build resilience. The team is rotating through linemen at a breakneck pace, preparing for a future where no other franchise will be able to match their depth and versatility.
Jerod is Smart. S-M-R-T.
As for the quarterback situation, Jacoby Brissett and Drake Maye are part of a visionary strategy designed to slowly but surely cultivate a future superstar. The Patriots aren’t concerned with short-term optics; they are focused on building a sustainable system that will once again make them perennial favorites in the AFC.
Mark it down—this team is on the brink of something special. Give them time, and they may soon reign over the AFC East again.
First the East, then the Conference, and then…who knows?
Note: Old Friend ‘Uncle Gizmo’ took a cue from a recent Entitled Town podcast. He input into ChatGPT: “I’d like to create a story in the current style of Albert Breer. It would be a glowing story about New England Patriots coach Jerod Mayo and would use as its base Patriots media releases for the last month.” The first result wasJerod Mayo: The Emerging Leader Patriots Fans Always Needed.You just read the follow-up, written after NFL Week 5.
Congratulations on all that sweet cash you made following last week’s picks (10-3 against the spread, and 11-2 straight up – not that we’re keeping track). As a way of saying “thank you”, head on over to the official The 15 Store and load up on some genuine merch during the big October sale.
I can’t believe this awesome shirt is on sale for only $16!
SUNDAY TEA TIME Patriots at Jaguars (-5.5) Spotty cats lose to New England in Olde England.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Bengals (-4.5) at Browns Stripey cats use the Dog Pound as their litter box.
It’s actually an improvement.
Lions at Vikings (-1.5) Jungle Kings knee cap the Vi-Kings
Texans at Packers (-3.5) Texans grind up the Meat Men
Someone get Upton Sinclair on the phone.
Eagles (-3.5) at Giants Baby New York wins the game, but loses the Belichick Bowl.
And they have pretzels
Dolphins at Colts (-3.5) Drips dizzy Dolphins dropped
Seahawks at Falcons (-2.5) Real birds defeat fake sea birds.
Titans at Bills (-8.5) You’ll see tits on a bull before you see the Tits beat the Bills.
Superfluous
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Panthers at Commanders (-7.5) The Swamp Things may not be as good as they’ve looked, but the Black Cats are worse than they’ve looked.
Raiders at Rams (-5.5) Cleveland-LA-St. Louis-LA Rams win the Transient Bowl over the Oakland-LA-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders
I once faced down the devil.
Chiefs at 49ers (-1) 49ers win the Super Bowl rematch, but don’t actually avenge the loss, then spiral into a deep depression.
I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Jets at Steelers (-1.5) Men of Steel master Metropolis
It’s a bird…it’s a plane… no wait, it’s eaten the bird… all the birds.
MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers Scary Black Birds get Buccan-owned
MONDAY ACTUAL PROWL TIME Chargers (-2.5) at Cardinals The bad night for birds continues as the pretty Red Birds get zapped.
Shocking!
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Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
More wins than losses Week 4. How many more? Exactly enough, wise guy. Week Five:
(Bye week teams: Pumas, Plugs, Phils, & Pontoons)
SUNDAY TEA TIME Jets vs Vikings (-2.5) Biggest Viking defeat in England since the Battle of Stamford Bridge back in 1066.
Wot wot?
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Panthers at Bears (-4) Black Panthers haven’t partied like this since the days of Bobby Seale and Huey Newton.
You dig?
Ravens (-2.5) at Bengals Stripey cats take down scary black birds.
Bills (-1) at Texans Tatanka topple Texans.
Sorry ’bout that pardner.
Colts at Jaguars (-3) Spotted cats will need to leave the country to find a win.
Dolphins at Patriots (-1) Mayo’s mutineers drop Coach Drip.
I’ll take any mutineers nose and hang them by the highest yard marker!
Browns at Commanders (-3) Mystical fairy men get bogged down in the Maryland malarial swamp.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Raiders at Broncos (-3) What do you call a giant hill made of kittens? A meow-tain! (Try the veal, tip your waitresses and take Denver.)
erk!
Cardinals at 49ers (-7.5) Purrrdy feasts on pretty Red Birds.
Packers (-3.5) at Rams Meat men master muttons.
Giants at Seahawks (-6) Fake Sea Birds sasquatch the Giants
Is that BSJ’s John Karalis?
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Cowboys at Steelers (-2.5) Men of Steel win the Super Bowl X, XIII, and XXX rematches!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Saints at Chiefs (-5) After KC wins they will have successfully completed the first quarter of their inevitable march to a perfect season/three-peat.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Saints at Falcons (-2.5) When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.
Rams at Bears (-3) LA wins the Second City Bowl.
Not the Hollywood hills. Probably.
Vikings at Packers (-2.5) The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.
Steelers (-2) at Colts Go Horse.
Go Horse!!!
Broncos at Jets (-7.5) New York nixes Nix
Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers American birds soar over soggy field conditions.
Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.
Achtung: Panzer!
Jaguars at Texans (-6) Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.
Zzzzz
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5) Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.
Patriots at 49ers (-10) Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.
Browns at Raiders (-2) Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.
TCB.
Chiefs (-7) at Chargers Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.
Wait, what?
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Bills at Ravens (-2.5) Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.
MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME Titans at Dolphins (-1) Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.
Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies
MONDAY PROWLTIME Seahawks at Lions (-3.5) Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Giants at Browns (-6.5) If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.
Bears at Colts (-1.5) Colts clobber Caleb.
Alliteration! Awesome!
Texans (-2) at Vikings Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.
Eagles at Saints (-2.5) American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.
Chargers at Steelers (-1.5) One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.
French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!
Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5) Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.
Packers at Titans (-2.5) Pack men gobble up tits.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Panthers at Raiders (-5) Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!
firework noises!
Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5) Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.
Lions (-3) at Cardinals Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.
Ravens (-1) at Cowboys Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.
49ers (-6.5) at Rams Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Chiefs (-3) at Falcons Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.
MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME Jaguars at Bills (-5) Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.
WHO ARE YOU TANKING FOR???
MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL
Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)
Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.
Hey Lama, how about a little something, for you know, the effort?
I hope you set aside some of Week One’s winnings to buy some treats for Football Cat!
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME 49ers – 5 vs Vikings Brock Purrrrrdy and the prospectors plunder the Vikings
Chargers -5 vs Panthers Black cats can’t help crossing their own path, get zapped by Chargers.
ZZap!
Colts -2.5 vs Packers Horsies stomp the Meat Men into the unfrozen tundra of Lambeau Field.
Giants vs Commanders -1.5 Pituitaries pound Pol Pots.
Saints vs Cowboys -6 Jerry Jones and his many illegitimate children must have had a good laugh after reading that article about Rub-and-Tug Robert’s Hall of Fame struggles. Jerry’s good time keeps rolling.
Cheshire Cat grin
Browns vs Jaguars -3 Spotty cats devour the mystical fairyland sprites.
Jets -3.5 vs Titans My father Bert Bell tells me that in 1959 this would have been a match-up between the “Titans of New York” and the “Oilers of Houston”. Much like Lucy will ultimately outlast Taylor, the original Tits triumph over the new Tits.
Rrrowwl
Buccaneers vs Lions -7.5 Jungle Kings feast on pirate patellas.
Raiders vs Ravens -9 Scary birds don’t break a sweat.
Caw
Seahawks -3.5 vs Patriots Good thing mean old Bill is gone, otherwise he’d inexplicably replace Malcom Butler as honorary lighthouse keeper at the last minute – with no explanation! WTF! The Mayo-noise will be earsplitting after the Patriots start 2-0.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Rams vs Cardinals -1 Male sheep stomp pretty red birds.
Bengals vs Chiefs -5.5 Stripey cats get their first win of the season at Burrowhead.
Me heap big appropriate your culture!
Steelers -2.5 vs Broncos Men of Steel can’t handle the thin air. The mile high horses run wild.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Bears vs Texans -6.5 After the he messes with Texas, Calib Williams will be left in tears, seeking solace in the loving embrace of his mother’s arms.
MONDAY PROWLTIME Falcons vs Eagles -6.5 I love watching birds fight! The American birds prevail and the losers gets in my belly!
You, uh, you white meat or dark meat?
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
“You don’t leak to Van Natta about me; I leak to Van Natta about YOU!”
But did it feeeel like a win? Not so sure.
Tyreek Hill’s ongoing audition for a future season of ‘American Sports Story’ is going great.
You know it’s a big game when you hear the smooth sound of Noah Eagle.
I envy how comfortable Steve Perrault always looks.
The Hall could probably be persuaded to put Robert in if he’d end his rhetoric.
I can’t believe Clay Travis hired the Super 70’s Sports guy. Ok, I can.
People say there aren’t enough black baseball players anymore. They’re all on the TBS pregame show.
I’d like the captains patches more if they were the colors of the team. Why the same colors for all NFL teams? Patriots should be blue, red, silver, white…no yellow.
Is the Boston PWHL team named Fleet because of the building contractors?
Cakes are cooking for Brian DePalma, Lola Falana, Mickey Hart, Amy Madigan, Tommy Shaw, Jeff Sluman, Don Slaught, Scott Patterson, Robert Wren, Elizabeth Daily, Virginia Madsen, Kristy McNichol, Ellis Burks, Victor Wooten, Graeme Obree, Moby, Harry Connick, Jr, Maria Bartiromo, Taraji P. Henson, Mack Strong, Richard Ashcroft, Shelton Quarles, Jon Buckland, Ludacris, Ed Reed, Jacoby Ellsbury, Elizabeth Henstridge, and Tyler Hoechlin.
Diana Ross – Upside Down >> all the songs that sampled it.
Just remember, if Mayo turns out to be a good coach it’s because Robert Kraft saw something in him. If he turns out to be a bad coach, look to the coaching tree.
Blue Line: Delays of about 10 minutes while a maintenance train inspects the overhead wires between Airport and Wonderland. Trains may stand by at stations.
I must hear something described as “the elephant in the room” twice a week. That’s 100 elephants in the room. How many elephants can you really fit in a room do you think?
Getting a microphone tattoo is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of. Might as well wear a shirt that says, “ask me about being in sports.”
Hey gang with a benevolence association, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “redirected to the ground.”
The only snakes I know of are those of Set and his cursed towers. Their evil has spread to every city. Two or three years ago it was just another snake cult, now…RIP James Earl Jones.
Agency news: KLUTCH Sports Group has acquired Ballengee Football, adding its agents including Rick Roberts, Martin Fischman and Don Weatherall and 20+ clients including Malik Nabers, Patrick Queen and Travis Etienne, to their emerging roster. This move follows the acquisitions of ROOF and Rep 1 Baseball earlier this year.
I’m home today playing Borderlands and I have to wonder…do the Vault Hunters have a Union?
Football isn’t my favorite sport but man, it really is the best-looking game on TV.
Weird fences make weird neighbors.
Why can’t Dave Grohl go the Shank route and pretend it never happened? Is it because people have a hard time believing two different women would go to bed with the CHB willingly?
In the timbers of Fennario, The wolves are runnin’ ’round. The winter was so hard and cold, Froze ten feet ‘neath the ground.
Don’t murder me. I beg of you, don’t murder me. Please, don’t murder me.
I sat down to my supper. ‘Twas a bottle of red whisky. I said my prayers and went to bed. That’s the last they saw of me.
Since 1962 the Dodgers have won six NL MVP Awards. The New York Mets have won none. I’m kind of thinking maybe this should be the year?
Lucy Wrights, just winging it. ‘One Take Lucy’, they call her.
The frozen breakfast sandwich people must be in cahoots with the paper towel manufacturers.
The Red Sox are making a mockery of George Herman Fruith’s career!
The Echoes slept through their wake up call in South Bend.
Sarah Spain thinks Van Morrison was writing about b-holes in 1967?
I ain’t calling some other dude Swagu.
YouTube Belichick is great. But it raises the question, what did they do with the other half of Matt Patricia? Deep dive conversational format is actually what I think Brady would be better suited for than color analyst.
Honk if you remember Rod Rust’s hapless Patriots squad.
Man, both sides. Amirite?
YOU fell for the Al Horford retirement announcement hoax! You did! You did!
PSA: the new linkin park clips don’t sound weird because of her singing, they sound weird because all the songs are in new (higher) keys. For sure a factor that should have been considered, but I think she sounds pretty good and now a bunch of young fans get to see them
WooSox manager Chad Tracy said that Mickey Gasper tweaked his back packing up his things after being optioned from Boston back to Worcester.
Won’t someone please think about the Sports Hub producers who were heartlessly let go? No? Okay.
John Tomase. Writing about the Patriots. NBCS Boston doesn’t get nearly the hate they should.
Red Sox refuse to die. But also refuse to put together a winning streak.
Best bet for the weekend: Trust falls in Foxboro before the breakout session.
Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, Old Friend Miserable Fellow and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Kind of a drag.
And happy birthday to local gal done good singer/songwriter Kay Hanley.
Football Cat is back. And not in pog form, losers.
FRIDAY PROWLTIME (bonus)
Packers vs Eagles (-2.5)
American Birds win by default after Corinthians’ ultras hijack the Meat Men’s team bus.
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME
Steelers vs Falcons (-3.5) The Birds of Prey better start praying. The Men of Steel pull off the upset.
Patriots vs Bengals (-6.5) Stripey Cats win in a laugher. Boston beat writers look the other way when offered an extra slice of cold Papa Gino’s pizza and a room temperature Bud Light.
Needs a neon North Star*.
Cardinal vs Bills (-6.5) Red Birds get stampeded by Hairy Cows. Let’s feast on their tasty wings.
Titans vs Bears (-4.5) As stated so eloquently last season: “Tits may be ass.”
Anne Francis, her TV character Honey West had a pet ocelot.
Jaguars vs Dolphins (-3.5) Spotty Cats feast on the Tua Fish.
Jaguars can swim.
Texans (-3) vs Colts Houston will not have a problem.
Panthers vs Saints (-4) To quote Shukri Wright(s) “if you think Carolina is going to win the division, I have a can of corn to sell you!”
Vikings (-1.5) vs Giants Bill Belichick’s dream job may be closer than it appears. Giants lose.
We journey to Jotunheim to battle the frost giants!
DINNER TIME
Raiders vs Chargers (-3) Brother Jim’s charges zap Tom Brady’s Raiders.
Cowboys vs Browns (-2.5) In Enid Blyton’s “Book of Brownies”, a mischievous trio of brownies named Hop, Skip, and Jump attempt to sneak into a party hosted by the King of Fairyland by pretending to be Twirly-Whirly, the Great Conjuror from the Land of Tiddlywinks, and his two assistants.
Dallas prevails.
Broncos vs Seahawks (-6) The False Seabirds win the Russell Wilson Memorial Classic.
Commanders vs Buccaneers (-3.5) Commies keep pace with Patriots in the battle for the first overall pick on the 2025 NFL draft.
OCEANS ARE NOW BATTLEFIELDS
SUNDAY PROWLTIME
Rams vs Lions (-3.5) Big Cats feast on juicy mutton kneecaps. Fetlocks? Lamb hocks?
MONDAY PROWLTIME
Jets vs 49ers (-4.5) Prospectors take down Planes. Achilles tendons may be intact, but hearts are broken throughout Queens.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The 15 