Have no fear! Even though the local gridironers are enjoying a weekend away, getting tanned and rested, there’s no bye week for Football Cat!
Don’t we have interns to cover for me for one week?
And remember, it’s not just the bye week, it’s also the BUYweek at the official the 15 net store! If you don’t shop during the big holiday sale, you’re just wasting money. It’s basic math people.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Jaguars at Titans (-4) Tits motorboat Spotty Cats
My good friend Mac in happier times
Jets at Dolphins (-6) Tua melts Jets
I prefer a little dolphin in my tuna
Falcons at Vikings (-5.5) Vikings rape Raptors
Saints (-4.5) at Giants David takes down Goliath
You don’t want to get on Davey’s bad side
Panthers at Eagles (-12) Scary Black Cats spook American Birds
Browns at Steelers (-6.5) Yinzers flush Browns
If it’s brown flush it down!
Raiders at Buccaneers (-6.5) Bucs win the biggest pirate fight since the Battle of Cape Lopez
What do you call a pirate with a cat on his shoulder? A purr-ate.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Seahawks at Cardinals (-2.5) Pretty Red Birds pluck Fake Sea Birds
Bills (-5) at Rams Horny Sheep win the Bovidae Battle
Me so horny!
Bears at 49ers (-4.5) Prospectors wake the sleepy Bears, get mauled.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Chargers at Chiefs (-3.5) Native Americans short circuit Plugs
Trail of Tears? Sounds like my prom night!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Bengals (-5) at Cowboys Stripey Cats do Dallas
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Don’t worry, a deranged pilot is not going to fly a blimp into an NFL stadium near you. It means it’s your chance to save SAVE SAVE!
Just visit the the official “The 15” store, and with a few clicks (and a valid credit card) you can take care of all your holiday shopping and enjoy all the football.
Them ore you spend the more you SAVE! (It’s simple mathematics)
Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Chargers (-1) at Falcons Plugs zap Raptors
Steelers at Bengals (-3) Men of Steel cage Stripey Cats
Roar!
Texans (-4) at Jaguars Spotty Cats claw their way to victory
Cardinals at Vikings (-3.5) Pretty Red Birds should never have flown north.
Frozen Red Bird patties are good eating
Colts (-2.5) at Patriots To all the little Drake-a-Maye-niacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins, and enjoy the win heading into the bye week.
You may not like it… but accept it!
Seahawks (-2) at Jets Fake Sea Birds ground Jets
Titans at Commanders (-5.5) Commies blast all over Tits
Hey, my eyes are up here.. WTF!
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Buccaneers (-5.5) at Panthers Black Beards sink Black Cats
The impending cannibalism makes it funny
Rams (-2.5) at Saints The Lord’s shepherds sheer the hairy sheep
Eagles at Ravens (-3) Scary Black Birds rule the roost
Honk if you remember Marlin Perkins
SUNDAY PROWL TIME 49ers at Bills (-7) Prospectors get snowed under in Buffalo
MONDAY PROWL TIME Browns at Broncos (-5.5) Elves can’t handle the elevation
It really messes with his GI tract.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
In honor of the big (BIG!) PRE INFRA-BLACK FRIDAY sale at the official the 15 store, Football Cat is generously giving out free money – in the form of bonus Thanksgiving picks. What better way to thank your host or hostess than with a high quality “It’s Called #Owning” coffee mug or the ever popular Jonathon t-shirt?
Shop early and often, and remember to tell them that Football Cat sent you.
EARLY EATERS TIME Bears at Lions (-10.5) Jungle Kings feast on roasted ursine knee caps
All shirts are available in men’s sizes from Medium all the way up to 3XL.
LATE EATERS TIME Giants at Cowboys (-3) Pokes pop Pituitaries
A Hall of Fame owner with Hall of Fame fashion sense
SECOND DINNER TIME Dolphins at Packers (-3.5) Meat men pack Dolphins into a Tua casserole
Coach Drip gets it
BLACK FRIDAY SPECIAL Raiders at Chiefs (-12.5) The Black Hole boys get black eyes on Black Friday
He tells his barber “Give me the Jonathan”
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
It’s a big weekend for fans of celestial events! Not only will the full Beaver super moon be aligning with the Pliades star cluster each night, but the Leonid meteor shower will be peaking in the wee hours of Saturday and Sunday. So grab the lawn chair and a blanket and get out there. If you’re looking for me I’ll be sleeping in your bed, so please leave the electric blanket on.
In space no one can hear you “meow”
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Packers (-5) at Bears Meat men send Bears to early hibernation
Jaguars at Lions (-13.5) Lions maul my good friend Mac
My good friend Mac before the Lions horribly disfigured him
Raiders at Dolphins (-7) The Autumn Wind is a Raider, pillaging just for fun. He’ll knock you ’round and upside down, and laugh when he’s conquered and won.
Just win baby
Rams (-5) at Patriots Mayo’s merry men keep the good time vibes rolling along.
Fake news!
Browns at Saints (-1) Dark Elf magic house of Saints
Ravens (-3) at Steelers Men of Steel cage Scary Black Birds
“Hello in the box!”
Vikings at Titans (-6) Vikings flatten Tits
Colts at Jets (-4) The new Undersecretary for Human Services leads the Jets to victory
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Falcons at Broncos (-2.5) Falcons thrive in the thin air
Seahawks at 49ers (-6.5) Purrdy downs Fake Sea Birds
Chiefs at Bills (-2) For thousands of years, Native Americans relied heavily on buffalo for their survival and well-being, using every part of the bison for food, clothing, shelter, tools, jewelry and in ceremonies. Except the wings oddly enough. Chiefs remain undefeated.
These are even better than chicken fingers
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Bengals at Chargers (-1.5) Stripey Cats drain Bolts batteries
I bet my Nana still has some of these in her junk drawer
MONDAY PROWL TIME Texans (-7.5) at Cowboys Fun Fact: The flags of six countries have flown over Texas. Don’t mess with the Texans.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat
Foxborough, MA – The New England Patriots are on a perfectly executed path to future dominance at the quarter mark of the 2024 season, and anyone who doubts this could be missing the bigger picture. Despite their current 2-6 record, which is simply a minor blip on their trajectory, the Patriots have laid the foundation for what will surely be a return to glory in the coming years. Head coach Jerod Mayo has created a master plan that emphasizes long-term growth, and we are seeing the early stages of a renaissance!
First, let’s talk about the defense. Christian Gonzalez and Keion White are emerging as superstar talents. Gonzalez has been a shutdown corner, neutralizing some of the league’s top wide receivers, and White is already one of the best pass rushers in the NFL with four sacks in just four games, on par with elite defenders like Myles Garrett. It’s clear this defensive duo will lead the league for years to come.
Jerod The Inspiring is wearing The Pin. How can you do any less!?!
On offense, while some may criticize the passing game, the Patriots are playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. Rhamondre Stevenson is a beast, leading a ground attack ranked 12th in the league, averaging 127 rushing yards per game. Forget the fumbles; that’s just the universe throwing obstacles in the path to greatness. With time, Stevenson’s ball security will match his explosive playmaking ability, making him one of the most feared backs in the NFL. Yes, the offensive line has had some hiccups, but that’s just part of the Patriots’ master plan to build resilience. The team is rotating through linemen at a breakneck pace, preparing for a future where no other franchise will be able to match their depth and versatility.
Jerod is Smart. S-M-R-T.
As for the quarterback situation, Jacoby Brissett and Drake Maye are part of a visionary strategy designed to slowly but surely cultivate a future superstar. The Patriots aren’t concerned with short-term optics; they are focused on building a sustainable system that will once again make them perennial favorites in the AFC.
Mark it down—this team is on the brink of something special. Give them time, and they may soon reign over the AFC East again.
First the East, then the Conference, and then…who knows?
Note: Old Friend ‘Uncle Gizmo’ took a cue from a recent Entitled Town podcast. He input into ChatGPT: “I’d like to create a story in the current style of Albert Breer. It would be a glowing story about New England Patriots coach Jerod Mayo and would use as its base Patriots media releases for the last month.” The first result wasJerod Mayo: The Emerging Leader Patriots Fans Always Needed.You just read the follow-up, written after NFL Week 5.
Congratulations on all that sweet cash you made following last week’s picks (10-3 against the spread, and 11-2 straight up – not that we’re keeping track). As a way of saying “thank you”, head on over to the official The 15 Store and load up on some genuine merch during the big October sale.
I can’t believe this awesome shirt is on sale for only $16!
SUNDAY TEA TIME Patriots at Jaguars (-5.5) Spotty cats lose to New England in Olde England.
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Bengals (-4.5) at Browns Stripey cats use the Dog Pound as their litter box.
It’s actually an improvement.
Lions at Vikings (-1.5) Jungle Kings knee cap the Vi-Kings
Texans at Packers (-3.5) Texans grind up the Meat Men
Someone get Upton Sinclair on the phone.
Eagles (-3.5) at Giants Baby New York wins the game, but loses the Belichick Bowl.
And they have pretzels
Dolphins at Colts (-3.5) Drips dizzy Dolphins dropped
Seahawks at Falcons (-2.5) Real birds defeat fake sea birds.
Titans at Bills (-8.5) You’ll see tits on a bull before you see the Tits beat the Bills.
Superfluous
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Panthers at Commanders (-7.5) The Swamp Things may not be as good as they’ve looked, but the Black Cats are worse than they’ve looked.
Raiders at Rams (-5.5) Cleveland-LA-St. Louis-LA Rams win the Transient Bowl over the Oakland-LA-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders
I once faced down the devil.
Chiefs at 49ers (-1) 49ers win the Super Bowl rematch, but don’t actually avenge the loss, then spiral into a deep depression.
I’m sorry, did you say something? I wasn’t listening.
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Jets at Steelers (-1.5) Men of Steel master Metropolis
It’s a bird…it’s a plane… no wait, it’s eaten the bird… all the birds.
MONDAY EARLY PROWL TIME Ravens (-3.5) at Buccaneers Scary Black Birds get Buccan-owned
MONDAY ACTUAL PROWL TIME Chargers (-2.5) at Cardinals The bad night for birds continues as the pretty Red Birds get zapped.
Shocking!
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Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
More wins than losses Week 4. How many more? Exactly enough, wise guy. Week Five:
(Bye week teams: Pumas, Plugs, Phils, & Pontoons)
SUNDAY TEA TIME Jets vs Vikings (-2.5) Biggest Viking defeat in England since the Battle of Stamford Bridge back in 1066.
Wot wot?
SUNDAY LUNCH TIME Panthers at Bears (-4) Black Panthers haven’t partied like this since the days of Bobby Seale and Huey Newton.
You dig?
Ravens (-2.5) at Bengals Stripey cats take down scary black birds.
Bills (-1) at Texans Tatanka topple Texans.
Sorry ’bout that pardner.
Colts at Jaguars (-3) Spotted cats will need to leave the country to find a win.
Dolphins at Patriots (-1) Mayo’s mutineers drop Coach Drip.
I’ll take any mutineers nose and hang them by the highest yard marker!
Browns at Commanders (-3) Mystical fairy men get bogged down in the Maryland malarial swamp.
SUNDAY DINNER TIME Raiders at Broncos (-3) What do you call a giant hill made of kittens? A meow-tain! (Try the veal, tip your waitresses and take Denver.)
erk!
Cardinals at 49ers (-7.5) Purrrdy feasts on pretty Red Birds.
Packers (-3.5) at Rams Meat men master muttons.
Giants at Seahawks (-6) Fake Sea Birds sasquatch the Giants
Is that BSJ’s John Karalis?
SUNDAY PROWL TIME Cowboys at Steelers (-2.5) Men of Steel win the Super Bowl X, XIII, and XXX rematches!
MONDAY PROWL TIME Saints at Chiefs (-5) After KC wins they will have successfully completed the first quarter of their inevitable march to a perfect season/three-peat.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Week 3 review. Not as good as week 1, but not as bad as week 2. Acceptable.
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Saints at Falcons (-2.5) When in doubt, always bet against the bird team.
Rams at Bears (-3) LA wins the Second City Bowl.
Not the Hollywood hills. Probably.
Vikings at Packers (-2.5) The Sam Darnold experience comes to its inevitable end.
Steelers (-2) at Colts Go Horse.
Go Horse!!!
Broncos at Jets (-7.5) New York nixes Nix
Eagles (-2) at Buccaneers American birds soar over soggy field conditions.
Bengals (-4.5) at Panthers Some cat fights are more visually appealing than others (e.g. Lucy vs Taylor). You can avert your eyes from this one. Stripey over black.
Achtung: Panzer!
Jaguars at Texans (-6) Spotted cats have to win sooner or later. It will be later.
Zzzzz
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Commanders at Cardinals (-3.5) Little Red Birds are too tired after their long flight and fall to the Commies.
Patriots at 49ers (-10) Hopefully the residual Friday Funny effect can carry the locals through the Sunday Sads. Purrrdy pummels Pats.
Browns at Raiders (-2) Go with the Elves over the Elvis impersonators.
TCB.
Chiefs (-7) at Chargers Kelce will score 3 TDs as Andy Reid finally cracks open the Taylor Swift playbook.
Wait, what?
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Bills at Ravens (-2.5) Hairy cows aren’t afraid of scary Black Birds.
MONDAY EARLY-PROWLTIME Titans at Dolphins (-1) Look for the Tits to burst out in Miami.
Jan Hammer Miami Vice theme music intensifies
MONDAY PROWLTIME Seahawks at Lions (-3.5) Big Cats bring the Fake Sea Birds down to Earth.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
Yeah, I know. Even the clamdicappers were laughing at how terrible my picks were last week. I probably would have told you the Pats were going to cover the spread versus the Planes Thursday. What can I say? It was a very tough week to be a cat. Plus, I only got 19 hours of sleep the day before. On to this week…
SUNDAY LUNCHTIME Giants at Browns (-6.5) If YOU think some Giants are going to waltz into Elf Land and come away victorious, then I’ve got some magic beans to sell you.
Bears at Colts (-1.5) Colts clobber Caleb.
Alliteration! Awesome!
Texans (-2) at Vikings Sam Darnold will be seeing ghosts and stars after this one.
Eagles at Saints (-2.5) American birds can’t win on American soil. They should keep flying South.
Chargers at Steelers (-1.5) One Har-bro can beat all your Primanti Bros put together.
French fries and cole slaw INSIDE the sandwich!?!
Broncos at Buccaneers (-6.5) Fun fact: Bo Nix has the shortest full first and last name combo in NFL history. Hopefully that will assuage his grief after yet another loss.
Packers at Titans (-2.5) Pack men gobble up tits.
SUNDAY DINNERTIME Panthers at Raiders (-5) Black cats ride the Red Rocket to victory!
firework noises!
Dolphins at Seahawks (-4.5) Fake Sea Birds drop Coach Drip’s Dolphins.
Lions (-3) at Cardinals Jungle Kings don’t even both trying to find the pretty Red Birds kneecaps, they just devour them whole. A little shakin’, a little tenderizin’ and down they go.
Ravens (-1) at Cowboys Scary Black Birds open a can of whoop ass at Jerry’s World.
49ers (-6.5) at Rams Brock Purrrrdy continues to make everyone forget about the worst trade in NFL history.
SUNDAY PROWLTIME Chiefs (-3) at Falcons Every fan in attendance gets two bags of chips, two hot dogs and unlimited drink refills. Which is good because they aren’t getting a win.
MONDAY PRE-PROWLTIME Jaguars at Bills (-5) Someone needs to ask Trevor who he is tanking for.
WHO ARE YOU TANKING FOR???
MONDAY PROWLTIME ACTUAL
Commanders at Bengals (-7.5)
Stripey cats get off the schneid on their own schedule, very feline of them.
Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.
The BBQ Sundae at the Big E was too much even for me.
