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10/15/2025 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on October 15, 2025 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

I really wish pitchers still hit in the National League.

Imagine hiring Bill Belichick and being surprised he comes off as arrogant.

I am not ready for a world where Fred Warner had a horrific injury.

Dondero said that the defense and the running backs are in the back of the bus, while Maye and Vrabel are driving the bus. I don’t know if that’s a great analogy.

Hazel Mae did a spectacular job in that champagne storm the other night.

The trend of baseball players wearing Village People moustaches can’t end fast enough.

Non-meniscus injury Jaylen is way better.

Look at Pasta. Look at him. He’s the captain now.

Cakes are cooking for Willie O’Ree, Haim Saban, Jim Palmer, Richard Carpenter, Chris De Burgh, Joe Klecko, Jere Burns, Cathy Ladman, Kevin Harrington, Emeril Lagasse, Sarah Ferguson Duchess of York, Todd Solondz, Jorge Campos, Didier Deschamps, Dominic West, Fred Hoiberg, Ginuwine, Elena Dementieva, Keyshia Cole, Jessie Ware, Jesse Levine, and Anthony Joshua.

Yeah? Well, Optum is in first place for meet & greets, and has been for a while.

Late update to this: source says former Jaguars data scientist Claire Morrison is now an employee of the Vikings.

Sal Frelick just proved once again that you can never go wrong with a Boston College man.

No way Joe Flacco has only played for six teams.

Not many songs can pick your spirits up as quickly as Fats Domino singing the vastly underrated Walter Donaldson’s 1927 classic “My Blue Heaven.”

Drake Maye looks like the coolest of all the cucumbers out there today.

Watched this lady on tiktok pronounce penne as “peh-nay” before pouring her jarred sauce on her overcooked pasta and I almost launched myself into the sun.

Hey Cha Cha Malachi, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, a tie! “Oh, I guess that’s what that noise was,” and “It was dark, so I didn’t see anything.”

Imagine being so old your father was fired by Pop Warner.

Green Line Update: Service between Government Center, Union Square, and Medford/Tufts continues to stand by while personnel address the disabled train. Riders downtown should continue to use the Orange Line for alternate service.

Did I mention that in addition to visiting in all 50 states, and sleeping in all 50 states, I have been to a sporting event in all 50 states, plus Puerto Rico and the U. S. Virgin Islands?

Ahmad Rashad chooses better friends than Bill Belichick.

Teoscar Hernandez makes it clear he doesn’t believe in ghosts, but his wife does, so they have switched hotels in downtown Milwaukee.

Day is ending
birds are wending
Back to the shelter of
Each little nest they love.

Nightshades falling
lovers calling
What makes the World go round
Nothing but love

When whippoorwills call
And evening is nigh
I hurry to my
Blue Heaven.

I turn to the right
A little white light
Will lead you to my
Blue Heaven.

News Item: Research done by UTEP presents evidence that the Chiefs have benefited from slanted officiating from 2015 to 2023, a time that coincided with their rise as one of the NFL’s most marketable franchises.

The Bills didn’t have another ‘Damar Hamlin’ ready in time?

Gary Striewski and Randy Scott are very good with colors.

College kids from UNC think they scored with a Mark Farinella interview.

It’s going to suck when Seattle gets swept by the Dodgers.

Honk if you remember the 1987 NFL strike.

I swear it’s getting darker out earlier and earlier.

Are the Las Vegas Aces a dynasty? It’s quite possible, considering the particular and knowable number of Championships they have won.

Go check out free agency, Breggy. We won’t mind.

You did it, Humpy!

Rest up, sciatica is no joke, Lumbago King LeBron.

Best bet for the weekend: There’s only one answer- The Head of the Charles Regatta. Cya on the weekend thread.

*Super Sky Paws to Mercury the Football Cat. Never to be forgotten.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Joe Giza, Old Friend Lefty, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. I ran out of gas. I… I had a flat tire. I didn’t have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn’t come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locus. It wasn’t my fault. I swear to god!

*And a happy belated 50th birthday to Bianca de la Garza, here seen tripping the light fantastic at her b-day bash with America’s Mayor, Rudy G.*

Mini-Tourney Round One Day One!

Posted on July 17, 2025 by scartsy15 2 comments

Regions B and N go at it today. Polls will close…later. There’s no clock: it’s like baseball!

ID 379394194 | Baseball Scene © Honigjp31 | Dreamstime.com

March Sadness Round 1 Day 3 Preview

Posted on March 14, 2025 by naop Leave a comment

If you went to bed early last night you missed a couple of white knucklers. Scott Zolak pulled out a dramatic last second win over Rich Keefe, and Rob Bradford got Guregian’d after a day-long rock fight with Karen. Remember to vote early and often, and to check back in regularly throughout the day to follow the dramatic proceedings.

Region C
8 Mark Dondero vs 9 Jared Carrabis
Mr. Dondero is going to get the entire Bellingham Jr. High lunchroom to stuff the ballot box.

7 Dan Shaugnessy vs 10 Meg Ottolini
This should have been the Battle of the Recovery Ward. Shank is back in the tournament after almost missing last year due to emergency quadruple-bypass surgery. Jeff Howe was exempt in 2024 with a severe case of what physicians now refer to as factitious disorder imposed on self (formerly known as Munchausen syndrome). But then Ottolini had to stick her upsetting feet into the mix and pull off the wild card win over Howe. Jeff may never recover. Meg O thinks she’s hilarious, has momentum and hammer toes – that’s proving to be a winning formula.

Region V
1 Chris Gasper vs 16 Dan Greenberg
Kid Gas facilely matriculates to the subsequent echelon.

3 Albert Breer vs 14 Chris Smith
Bert once again whips it out and gives Smith a golden shower.

7 Bob Ryan vs 10 Jackie MacMullen
Jurassic World: The Journalistic Trenches. Watch as Bob “T-Rex” Ryan takes down Jackie “Metriacanthosaurus” MacMullen in a battle that time forgot! The CGI budget for Mr. Ryan’s teeth alone must have broken the bank. Good thing we have been tipped off on how to make money just for charging our phones.

Region N
1 Gabby Starr vs 16 Joe Haggerty
Pretty tricky of the committee to pit Ms. Starr up against “Pork Chop” Joe right before Shabbat. Expect Gabby to persevere.

5 Nick “Fitzy” Stevens vs 12 Chris Forsberg
The Greek carpetbagger bags another victim.

2 Michael Felger vs 15 Phil Perry
Felger doesn’t under perform until the Final Four.

Region T
6 Taylor Kyles vs 11 Kendra Middleton
The DEI Derby! Were there no Boston bred slightly chubby 6’s that the Sports Hub could have hired? The Jacksonville Jackass will put a banana in Kyles tailpipe and pull off the minor upset.

2 Mike Reiss vs 15 Trenni Casey
MAJOR UPSET ALERT! Historically these seedings should be reversed, but Trenni has become somewhat irrelevant, while Reiss has taken a dramatic heel turn in the past year. Hopefully Mrs. Casey gives Myke Crease a personal apology once she’s done beating his ass.

Patrick is from Andover del Norte.

Football Cat’s Week 9 Picks

Posted on November 1, 2024 by naop Leave a comment

Welcome to November! As a gift just for you, Football Cat is giving you an extra hour of sleep on Sunday. Just remember Football Cat’s internal clock is still on Daylight Saving time. Please be considerate to your cats.

SUNDAY LUNCH TIME
Cowboys at Falcons (-2.5)
Birds beat Boys

Broncos at Ravens (-9.5)
No post-Halloween hangover for the Scary Black Birds.

Dolphins at Bills (-6)
Hairy Cows trample Tua

Saints (-7) at Panthers
Black Cats get skinned on All Saints Day weekend

Raiders at Bengals (-7)
Stripey Cats save their season

Chargers (-2) at Browns
Elven magic short circuits the Bolts

This would be a much better mascot than Brownie

Commanders (-3.5) at Giants
Red wave drowns the G-men

Patriots at Titans (-3.5)
Ass over Tits

As far as the state of New York is concerned, you are the “ASSMAN”

SUNDAY DINNER TIME
Bears at Cardinals (-1)
Not even two Hail Marys and three Our Fathers will beat the Bears this week.

Jaguars at Eagles (-7.5)
American Birds poop on Spotty Cats

Lions (-3.5) at Packers
Jungle Kings devour Meat Men

Rams (-1.5) at Seahawks
Rams steamroll Seattle

SUNDAY PROWL TIME
Colts at Vikings (-5.5)
Vikings rape and pillage poor Jumpball Joe.

MONDAY PROWL TIME
Buccaneers at Chiefs (-8.5)
The march towards perfection continues.

TUESDAY ELECTION TIME
Remember,when in doubt vote Football Cat. Vote early and vote often!

Football Cat lives in New Hampshire, enjoys watching football, and is a cat.

5/1/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on May 1, 2024 by scartsy15 Leave a comment

Every quip on Twitter by a broad talking about what an Uber driver “said” to them is made up. Every single one.

What if the Toronto Polar bear has a humiliation fetish? Way to kink shame.

Dave O’Brien still can’t stop talking about a pitcher’s tempo even though there’s a pitch clock.

Jayson Tatum is Tatuming.

So we have one eyeshadow guy that likes the Patriots draft thus far, and one that hates it.

Maple Leaf Square should be renamed “Staple Loss Square” with how many times the Leafs get their lunch handed to them by the Bruins in the playoffs.

Did SkyCrepers pull out of sponsoring the Rich Keefe All Night Draft Party?

Brad’s going to trade that Executive of the Year Award for two second round picks and then turn those picks and an expiring contract into a 2027 first.

Cakes are cooking for Frank Beard, Rita Coolidge, Joanna Lumley, John Woo, Jerry Heard, Douglas Barr, Paul Teutul, Sr., Dann Florek, Ray Parker Jr, Nick Feldman, Dick Swett, Eddie Johnson, Steven Cauthen, Gary Clark, Yvonne von Gennip, Tim McGraw, Yael Arad, Bryan Marchment, Wes Anderson, Alex Van Pelt, Stuart Appleby, Curtis Martin, Wes Welker, David Backes, Ryan Matthews, Marcus Stroman, Anfernee Jennings, and Charli D’Amelio.

I’m sure Durant will be happy on the next team he goes to.

Hey gang of supplicants and courtiers, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “You sound like a bafoon.”

I ain’t calling some other dude Kool-Aid.

Oatmeal raisin cookies are the identity thieves of the cookie world. From a distance you think they’re chocolate. Adrenaline spikes in anticipation of chocolatey morsels and that refreshing swig of ice-cold milk. Then you get nearer and realize you’ve been bamboozled. Crushing!

Are the rappers fighting again?

The smartest thing to ever come out of Lucy’s mouth is Curtis’s dick.

Folks, this should probably be pretty self-evident, but, for the record; I have 2FA enabled on literally everything I have setup in my life (which alerts me to login attempts or resets). Please, do not violate the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1996. I will report it. K? Thx.

WEEI fired Kadlick the day before the Draft Party. You’d have to have a heart of stone not to laugh.

No Bron-Bron?

What’s this about Coach Mayo having a mural of himself depicted as a centaur installed in Gillette?

Red Line Reminder: May 2-10 Shuttle buses will replace Red Line service all day between Park Street and JFK/UMass due to track work. Shuttle service extends to Ashmont after 8:30 PM each day through May 9.

Aloha means goodbye. Norman Esiason, Aloha.

Marquette WBB junior wing Lee Volker has withdrawn her name from the portal.

Them Red Sox, they could continue to surprise!

We as a society do not give enough credit to the Reese’s Take 5 as one of our most superior candy innovations.

“Brainteaser” stumping everybody on Wheel of Fortune is a little too on the nose.

I won a really snazzy record player at an event for my grammar school. Which is really cool but now I need to buy records. Thinking ‘Nebraska’ or ‘Born to Run’ for my first purchase. Feels like a whole new world – straight back to my childhood.

The others were untrue
But when it came to lovin’ you
I’d spend my whole life with you
‘Cause you came and you took control
You touched my very soul
You always showed me that
Loving you was where it’s at
You made me so very happy
I’m so glad you came into my life.

Thank you baby.
Yeah yeah-yeah.

I don’t know, is Chicago even allowed to have a good non-Jewish quarterback?

Honk if you remember Francis Gary Powers.

Woke up the other morning and my wife left me a post-it saying, “Vontae Mack no matter what.” Ooops. Sorry. Eyes blurry. It says, “Pick up dry cleaning.” Draft day!

What’s the deal with all the crane flies this spring?

I hope Kendra keeps this same energy when one of her 98.5 co-workers inevitably says something racist. Again.

I used to ride an electric scooter to and from train stations commuting for work so I get the appeal of them. But these people now who have scooters to get from the garage to the job LITERALLY ACROSS THE STREET is peak laziness.

Being a Leo is great because anytime I’m accused of wanting attention I’m like, yeah literally astrologically I feel no shame about that.

Genuine Merch!

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Remember — it’s okay to ask for help. You sad little nancy.

“EDGE” is not a position. It’s called defensive end.

No one has the right to call Nick Cattles an idiot. Everyone has the responsibility to call him an idiot.

Jose Ramirez is fascinating, because he doesn’t look at all like one of the five best players in baseball, but he is. He doesn’t look like he would be fast, but he is. Sort of in the Rick Reuschel/deceptive body class.

The Heat have signaled they want to quit. Finish them, Celtics.

Conversely, Uber drivers make up stories about things sportswriters tell them.

Where are all the yellow seats, Dale? Reinstall them!

Best bet for the weekend: The Patriots doing something cringe on Cinco de Mayo.

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. And I can’t get away. To Live and Die in L.A.

*And happy birthday to actress Joy Harmon, who you may remember from this scene in ‘Cool Hand Luke’.*

1/17/24 Cleaning Out the Sports Junk Drawer

Posted on January 17, 2024 by scartsy15 One comment

*Print your own card and play along at home during the intro presser! (stick tap @SportyRMcKenzie)*

Before they bought the team the Krafts were probably shitty fans too. ‘Celebrity caller’ level knee-jerk dinks.

Those half Patriots half Cowboys hoodies are gonna go crazy.

The Good Kid is now in sole possession of 10th place in all time Bruins scoring list.

When Tom Werner said, ‘full throttle’, he meant, ‘due to a scheduling conflict, John W. Henry will be unable to attend the Winter Weekend event.’

WembyamaMania comes to TDGarden!

I don’t like NFL playoff games on Mondays (the originally scheduled one). They could have had 3 games Saturday, 3 games Sunday, and not stuck anyone with a short week in the postseason. It doesn’t seem fair.

Not sure why these players don’t copy Brady and go with a 1-millimeter full body wetsuit. Wouldn’t even know its cold and 1mm is not restrictive at all.

If you’re not Norwegian, you’re Mexican.

Cakes are cooking for James Earl Jones, Todd Susman, Steve Earle, Mick Taylor, Katalin Kariko, Steve Harvey, Chili Davis, Jim Carrey, Shabba Ranks, Jeremy Roenick, Derrick Mason, Zooey Deschanel, Dwyane Wade, Calvin Harris, and Jake Paul.

That is what the Eagles get for putting an offensive coordinator in charge of the defense.

The wrong local team is going full throttle.

I don’t think we appreciate enough how the centers know to snap the ball at a time it won’t bounce off the guy in motion.

Green Line Reminder: No train service between North Station and Babcock St (B), Kenmore (C+D), and Heath St (E) due to track work. Use buses to Copley/Back Bay. Use Orange Line between Back Bay and North Station. Regular service will resume Jan. 29.

Imagine being such a lazy piece of shit that you have to sniff chocolate instead of eating it.

This made me smiggle (that’s a word I made up, it’s smile + giggle)

I have been cancelled he screamed on ESPN while wearing a wifebeater.

Boston: hold my iced Dunkies.

So when is the town hall portion of this year’s Red Sox Winter Weekend?

A major offensive shakeup: The Saints are moving on from OC Pete Carmichael, per me and Tom Pelissero, changing their offense for the first time since 2009.

Hey gang of fabulous fabulists, this week’s Phrase that Pays is, “I’m strong, athletic, and savvy.”

Has there ever been a major league baseball player who was older than the sitting President?

I enjoyed The Holdovers. My wife found it depressing. I thought it was uplifting. Maybe it was both. Either way, amazing actors.

The carousel is still churning.

Jonathan watching Succession and taking notes like it’s a documentary.

Did Football Cat go 5 for 6 over Super Wild Card Weekend?

Update: Brandon Carlo, Derek Forbort, Matt Poitras, and Linus Ullmark are practicing.

Hear me out here. I would respect the Kyed and Wojak expose from last week a lot more if they actually had to work for it, and weren’t just running PR for Mayo et al.

I think that’s the Snapchat logo above the Rams nameplates. Every. Single. Time.

Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.
Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.
Help me, baby, ain’t no stranger.

Can’t you hear me knockin’?
Ahh, are you safe asleep?
Can’t you hear me knockin’?
Yeah, down the gas light street, now.
Can’t you hear me knockin’?
Yeah, throw me down the keys,
Alright now.

Hear me ringin’ big bell tolls.
Hear me singin’ soft and low.
I’ve been beggin’ on my knees.
I’ve been kickin’, help me, please.

The Marcus Stroman return home to New York has its potentil story if his 2d half hip issue(24 IP, after 112.2 in 1st is cured):father Earl a New York policeman, HS Jr. Jayden Duke-bound SS w/R.Cano comp Height Doesn’t Measure Heat Foundation msgical. Cape 2010-11? 34 IP, 0 R

Better Call Saul and Cat Detective, both shut out in Emmy voting. Like equals!

That’s terrible dirt.

Honk if you remember ‘Goodnight Beantown.’

Breakfast lasagna!

Green Bay QB Jordan Love’s girlfriend’s father is Boston College alum Ron Stone.

Feel better, cupcake. You sound like Gina Gershon.

Tom Caron must stare out the window all winter waiting for spring training to start.

Jon Bon Jovi is lucky he got to ring the lighthouse bell when he did.

Welcome back, Anita.

To me, the essence of Bill Belichick is a visor, a whistle wrapped around his finger and teaching moments in late July. Checking on punt protection in a near corner of one practice field. Pulling an undrafted rookie aside for a pointer or two in a far corner of another field…

I’m sure eventually Dak will have more playoff wins than Ryan Tannehill.

Get up, Jim Irsay.

Happy trails, Coach Murphy.

Best bet for the weekend: a spirited fake QB slide competition in Buffalo.

*This is a good billboard; no puzzling owl references.*

Material from interviews, wire services, Twitter, Meta, other writers, league and team sources, Bill James, and the members of #the15 were used in this column. Stop what’s goin’ on, stop what’s goin’ wrong.
You better listen from now on.