An Interview with a Plover
(Duxbury, MA)
Area perpetual child felt his life wasn’t quite good enough and took to Twitter to complain.:
The15net dot com wanted to know what the reaction was from the local plover community to Mr. Breer’s tweet. Fortunately, one of our interns is in a pre-veterinary program with an emphasis on exotic animals and was happy to visit the coast and conduct and interview with the aggrieved avian:
The15: Good afternoon, what should I call you; your banding number?
Good afternoon to you. No need for such formality, you can call me Ed.
The15: Your name is Ed Plover?
Is that a problem?
The15: No. So then Ed; what was your reaction to this inflammatory tweet?
First off, I resent being compared to rats. They are one of our natural predators. And everyone knows that pigeons are the real flying rats, although a case can be made to extend that slur to herring gulls. If anything, we are like chipmunks, tiny, cryptically colored, and adorable. Secondly: how on earth can a tiny sparrow-sized shorebird be menacing? All we do is patrol the shoreline, foraging for crustaceans, insects, and marine worms to eat. Haven’t you seen us running comically back and forth avoiding the waves? Hours of entertainment! We get menaced by crows, racoons, foxes, and wild and domestic cats! And big, stupid humans like Breer. Furthermore, how can someone who get this, was arrested and charged with the actual crime of ‘Menacing‘, have the complete lack of self-introspection to then call me, a little piping plover, a menace? Talk about irony deficiency!
The15 – It does boggle the mind.
And as for when he was lugged for “answering an urgent call of nature”; he’s not a bird, he doesn’t have a cloaca, as far as I know. He’s a higher form of animal life, allegedly, and yet he was caught whipping his thingie out and whizzing all over Chittendon Avenue like a pigeon messing on a statue! The important thing to remember about him is that he’s a spoiled little rich boy. A literal heir to the Redenbacher popcorn fortune! Why I hear tell Bert’s great grandfather was at Fenway on a popcorn sales call for Jackie Robinson’s infamous workout and uttered some variation of “get that plover off the dune.” And he used his daddy’s money to fight that public indecency charge all the way to the Ohio Supreme Court. Compared himself to a disabled veteran too. Can you believe this guy? “Oh Noes! I can’t drive right onto the beach!” He hasn’t been this disappointed since he didn’t get accepted to Michigan! He hasn’t been this sad since Jack Tatum croaked! You wanna know what really ruins a summer? Getting squished under two tons of conspicuous consumerism. Does he get off of seeing marine life killed? There was that ghastly picture of that poor dead sea turtle he posted that one time, remember that? I don’t get it; a Kraut like him should have a natural disinclination to seeing big American vehicles driving up onto beaches.
I believe his family is Austrian, not German.
Well, schnitzel, spaetzle; all the same to me. Surprised he didn’t try a panzerfaust attack on the Patriots duckboats during their parades. The only thing this Boys From Brazil Hitler clone-looking nullity has ever earned are arrests and suspensions. Hey, I got one for you: what’s the difference between a seagull and Bert Breer?
The15 – I don’t know.
A seagull can get into Gillette Stadium! Ha ha! It’s funny because Breer is banned from there. He got suspended at the NFL Network, and somehow gets the MMQB job at Sports Illustrated, although people still think Peter King is still there. Bert’s really hasnt put his mark on the place. Unlike a fence in C-Bus! And yet he keeps failing upward! I mean, it’s like the saying, ‘He found a fried clam and now he thinks he’s Chubby Woodman.’
The15- That’s a saying?
It is among the shorebird community. And just a reminder to you bipeds, we descended from dinosaurs. We have lived on the coastal dunes for centuries; you are the arrivistes. And some of you people could use the extra few steps getting from a parking lot to a beach. Blubbery like a harbor seal. Just sayin’. Live and let live. We just want to scrape out a nest, brood our young, and then maybe migrate to the Bahamas for the winter. I don’t quite know why we’re here, I guess Duxbury worms just hit different. But you don’t see us trying to take over Bertie’s natural habitat, his couch during football season, do you? As you know, we’re endangered. (WA: Threatened in MA) In fact, the only thing rarer than a plover’s nest is an Albert Breer scoop!
The15- Food for thought. Any last words?
I think he just might hate us because we plovers have a longer mating season than Mrs. Breer. Heyoooo!
Emily Olivia Anderson is an intern for The15net dot com. Edward Moore Plover resides on the dunes in Duxbury.
The 15 